0:00:00 > 0:00:02This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:02 > 0:00:04JAUNTY MUSIC
0:00:19 > 0:00:22A long time ago, I was in basic training in the army.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26I had the day off and I went into Kansas City and I saw a sign.
0:00:26 > 0:00:32The sign said, "Tonight at 8 o'clock at the Parkway Theatre,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36"come see Herschel the Magnificent Jew."
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Of course, I was curious and I went. It was a good-sized crowd.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44At 8 o'clock, they introduced him, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Herschel."
0:00:44 > 0:00:47He came out, he was wearing a bathrobe.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52He removed his bathrobe and he was perfectly naked. Completely naked.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Now imagine, if you will,
0:00:55 > 0:01:00the largest masculine equipment you can think of,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Herschel was four times bigger.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07And he had a bench in front of him and he put three walnuts on the bench.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11And he took his masculinity in his hand and he went, "Whap! Whap! Whap!"
0:01:11 > 0:01:14and he smashed them to smithereens.
0:01:14 > 0:01:19The audience applauded. When they were leaving the theatre, they were still applauding.
0:01:19 > 0:01:2420 years later, 20 years later!, I was again in Kansas City
0:01:24 > 0:01:27and I saw the same sign.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30"Tonight at 8 o'clock, Parkway Theatre,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32"see Herschel the Magnificent Jew."
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Well, of course, I went! It was the same thing.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37They introduced him, he came out, took off his robe,
0:01:37 > 0:01:41he looked exactly the same, hadn't changed an iota!
0:01:41 > 0:01:46And he put on the bench three coconuts, one, two, three,
0:01:46 > 0:01:50took his masculinity in his hands and he went, "Whap! Whap! Whap!"
0:01:50 > 0:01:53smashed them to smithereens!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Naturally, I went backstage, I was curious.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I said, "Mr Herschel,
0:01:57 > 0:02:01"why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
0:02:01 > 0:02:06He said, "Well, my eyesight ain't what it used to be."
0:02:06 > 0:02:08LAUGHTER
0:02:09 > 0:02:14This woman has a dog and the dog keeps scratching his ear.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17She decides to take him to the vet.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20The vet takes a look inside the dog's ear and says,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"He's got a really bad infection.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26"I'm going to put some drops in there for now.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"You might want to consider clearing the hair out of his ear
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"so it doesn't recur."
0:02:31 > 0:02:33And she said, "The hair?"
0:02:33 > 0:02:37He said, "You have to get a depilatory, something like Nair.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42"Just put it into his ear. It will take care of the hair."
0:02:42 > 0:02:44She said, "Thank you."
0:02:44 > 0:02:48She takes the dog home and she goes to the pharmacy.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51She walks up to the pharmacist and says,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54"I'd like to buy some Nair."
0:02:54 > 0:02:58He says, "Great. You know, if you're going to put it on your legs,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"don't shave for a week."
0:03:00 > 0:03:03She goes, "I'm not putting it on my legs."
0:03:03 > 0:03:06He says, "OK, if you're going to put it under your arm,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08"don't shave for a week."
0:03:08 > 0:03:13She goes, "No! It's not for my arm. It's for my schnauzer."
0:03:13 > 0:03:17And he says, "Well, then, don't ride a bicycle for a week."
0:03:17 > 0:03:19LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:28A woman calls her friend. She says, "Becky, I understand you've got a new apartment."
0:03:28 > 0:03:31She says, "I do. Why don't you come visit?"
0:03:31 > 0:03:35She says, "I'd love to visit, but you've got to give me directions."
0:03:35 > 0:03:39She says, "I live at 1486, 86th Street."
0:03:39 > 0:03:44"Take the train. Get off at 86th St to see a big apartment house, 1486."
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"Outside's a double door.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49"With the right elbow, press down the handle from the door,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52"push open the door, you'll be in what we call a vestibule.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57"In the vestibule's a list of bells. I'm apartment 4B.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"With the left elbow, press 4B,
0:03:59 > 0:04:03"it'll ring upstairs, as soon as I hear the ring, I'll buzz you."
0:04:03 > 0:04:07"When you hear the buzz, with the right elbow, press open the handle for the inside door,
0:04:07 > 0:04:12"push open the door, walk straight ahead to the elevator, with the left elbow, press up."
0:04:12 > 0:04:16"Get in the elevator, with the right elbow, press 4 for the 4th floor.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20"The door will open, you'll walk straight to my apartment, 4B.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25"You'll ring the bell with the right elbow, give a couple of knocks with the left,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"I'll answer the door, we'll have coffee -"
0:04:28 > 0:04:32She said, "Just a second! What kind of directions is this with the elbow?"
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"The left elbow, the right elbow! What's with the elbows?"
0:04:35 > 0:04:38She says, "What, you're coming empty-handed?!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40LAUGHTER
0:04:40 > 0:04:43On the same subject, in an apartment house,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47a husband comes home from work and he's really very angry and upset.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50The wife says, "What's the matter?"
0:04:50 > 0:04:54He says, "The super in this building, I can't stand him!
0:04:54 > 0:04:58"He's so conceited!" "What now? What did he do?"
0:04:58 > 0:05:01"He came up with me in the elevator
0:05:01 > 0:05:07"and tells me every woman in this building has given him a blowjob except one."
0:05:07 > 0:05:12She thinks for a minute and says, "It must be that snotty Mrs Cunningham!"
0:05:12 > 0:05:14LAUGHTER
0:05:14 > 0:05:16APPLAUSE
0:05:16 > 0:05:18A man walks into the doctor's office.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22And the patient, in his left ear has a cucumber.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24In his right ear, he has a banana.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28And in each nostril, he has a carrot.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31He says to the doctor, "Doctor, what's wrong with me?"
0:05:31 > 0:05:34The doctor says, "I don't think you're eating properly."
0:05:34 > 0:05:37SHE GUFFAWS WITH LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:41SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:06:10 > 0:06:13SHE SCREECHES WITH LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:16APPLAUSE
0:06:16 > 0:06:19OK, because of the miracles of modern medicine,
0:06:19 > 0:06:23an 80-year-old woman is able to conceive,
0:06:23 > 0:06:28carry a child for nine months and give birth to a healthy baby boy.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31She brings him home and a friend comes over and says,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35"Becky, I came to see the new baby boy. Show me the boychik."
0:06:35 > 0:06:37She says, "You'll have to wait."
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"What do you mean?
0:06:39 > 0:06:43"I took two trains and a bus to get here. Show me the baby!"
0:06:43 > 0:06:48She says, "No. Sit down and have rugelach and coffee. I'll show him to you later."
0:06:48 > 0:06:54"I don't want to see him later! I want to see him now! Show me the baby now!"
0:06:54 > 0:06:57"I'll show him to you when he starts crying."
0:06:57 > 0:07:01"What?" "When he starts crying, I'll show you the baby."
0:07:01 > 0:07:04She says, "What the hell do I have to wait...?!"
0:07:04 > 0:07:08She says, "OK! I forgot where I put him, OK?"
0:07:08 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER
0:07:12 > 0:07:16This gentleman owns a piano bar not far from the studio
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and he's auditioning for a piano player.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22So this gentleman comes in and the owner says,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"How many years you been playing the piano?"
0:07:24 > 0:07:29He said, "I've been playing 15 years and I write my own songs."
0:07:29 > 0:07:32He said, "Really? Let me hear you play a song that you wrote."
0:07:32 > 0:07:36He plays a song and it's really good. The owner is impressed.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38He says to him, "What's the name of this song?"
0:07:38 > 0:07:44He said, "The name of this song is Kiss My Ass In Macy's Window."
0:07:44 > 0:07:47The owner looks a little chagrined, but he says,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"Let me hear you play another song you wrote."
0:07:50 > 0:07:53So he plays another song and this is even greater.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56It brings tears to the owner's eyes.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59He says, "What's the name of this song?"
0:07:59 > 0:08:03He says, "The name of this song is Big Titty Mama."
0:08:03 > 0:08:07The owner says, "Look, you're a very talented guy.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"I'm going to give you the job on one condition.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15"You come here, play your set, you go to the bar, you don't talk to anybody."
0:08:15 > 0:08:17He said, "OK!"
0:08:17 > 0:08:21The next night, he shows up for work, plays his first set,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24he gets finished, he goes to the bar, he sits down.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29Just before he's supposed to come back for his second set, he goes to the men's room.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33When he comes out of the men's room, a woman walks up to him.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37She says, "Do you know your fly is open and your shvantz is out?"
0:08:37 > 0:08:40He says, "Know it? I wrote it!"
0:08:40 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:50This fella goes to the doctor. He gets his test results and says to the doctor,
0:08:50 > 0:08:54"Tell me about my test results." He says, "I have bad news and good news."
0:08:54 > 0:08:59He says, "What's the bad news?" He says, "You have a serious illness
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"and you maybe have three months to live."
0:09:02 > 0:09:07He says, "What's the good news?" "You see that good-looking nurse out there with the big boobs?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"I'm fucking her."
0:09:09 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:15The desperados in the Old West commandeer Wells Fargo,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18they shoot everybody, they got the strongbox.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21The only survivor is this little old Jewish man.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24They say to him, "Look, buddy, we're not gonna kill you
0:09:24 > 0:09:28"because we need you to be our lookout." "What are you talking...?"
0:09:28 > 0:09:31He says, "There are Indians in the hills.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35"You're going to ride shotgun with this gun and tell us if you see an Indian.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40"If you see an Indian and we tell you to shoot, shoot the Indian!"
0:09:40 > 0:09:43This little guy's scared. They put this rifle in his hands
0:09:43 > 0:09:47and they start to ride and the horses are going...
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Every once in a while, they nudge the guy and go, "Jew, do you see the Indian?"
0:09:51 > 0:09:55"No. There's no Indian." 20 more minutes, another hour...
0:09:55 > 0:09:59"Do you see an Indian?" "No, there are no Indians."
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Another hour. "Oh, yeah, there's an Indian high on that ridge. He's about this big."
0:10:04 > 0:10:09He says, "Keep your eye on him. You watch and if we tell you to shoot the Indian, you shoot."
0:10:09 > 0:10:14They go on for another hour. "Do you see the Indian now?" He says, "Yes. He's about this big."
0:10:14 > 0:10:17"Keep an eye on him. When we tell you to shoot, shoot."
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Clop, clop, clop. Another three hours. "Do you see the Indian?"
0:10:20 > 0:10:25"I see the Indian. He's this big." "OK, keep an eye on him. When we tell you to shoot, shoot."
0:10:25 > 0:10:29They come around the curve and there's this Indian.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"He's huge! Didn't you see him? Shoot the Indian! Shoot the Indian!"
0:10:32 > 0:10:36He says, "How can I? I've known him since he was this big."
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Thank you! Thank you! JANUTY MUSIC
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Mrs Stein goes shopping to her local kosher butcher.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54She picks up a chicken. She smells it here and there.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57She picks up this, and every angle for ten minutes.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59She says, "I don't like this chicken."
0:10:59 > 0:11:02The butcher says, "Lady, do you think you could pass a test like that?"
0:11:02 > 0:11:07A fella driving down Long Island Expressway sees flashing lights, pulls the car over.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10The officer motions him to roll down his window and he says,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14"Sir, do you realise that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
0:11:14 > 0:11:18He says, "Oh, thank God! I thought I was going deaf!"
0:11:18 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER
0:11:23 > 0:11:26So Max and Sadie are at home watching TV.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29She goes to the bathroom and about a minute later
0:11:29 > 0:11:34he hears her screaming, "Max! Max! Come quick! It's terrible!"
0:11:34 > 0:11:35He goes to the bathroom
0:11:35 > 0:11:38and he looks at her and she's sitting on the toilet,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42her legs are spread apart, her support hose down by her ankles,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45and she says, "Max, it was terrible.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50"A mouse came, ran up my leg and he went inside. What am I going to do?"
0:11:50 > 0:11:54He says, "I don't know. Sit there, I'll call the doctor."
0:11:54 > 0:11:58He goes to the phone, calls the doctor and the doctor says,
0:11:58 > 0:12:03"Just relax, don't get nervous, I can be there in about 20 minutes.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06"But until I get there, why don't you go to the refrigerator
0:12:06 > 0:12:10"and get a piece of cheese and see if you could coax him out."
0:12:10 > 0:12:14He says, "OK." 20 minutes later, the doctor shows up.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19He walks back to the bathroom and sees Max leaning over Sadie's thighs,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22waving a pickled herring back and forth.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25He says, "I said cheese!"
0:12:25 > 0:12:28He said, "I know, but I had to try and get the cat out first."
0:12:28 > 0:12:30RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:12:30 > 0:12:33LIGHT GROANING
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- MAN GROANS - WOMAN: What? It's great!
0:12:36 > 0:12:40These two old Jews were sat on a traffic island in Broadway, like they do on sunny days.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43One says, "What's up with you?"
0:12:43 > 0:12:45He says, "Not so good." "What's wrong?"
0:12:45 > 0:12:47He says, "You know I got married again?"
0:12:47 > 0:12:52"I thought it was time to get married again, but it's not good."
0:12:52 > 0:12:55He says, "What's wrong? What's she like?"
0:12:55 > 0:13:00He says, "Well, she's 20 years old, she's gorgeous, she's got great tits,
0:13:00 > 0:13:05"and all she likes to do is screw and suck all day long!"
0:13:05 > 0:13:09His friend says, "What's wrong with that?" He says, "I forgot where I live!"
0:13:09 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:14 > 0:13:20Saul and Bessie have been madly in love for many years...
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Saul and Bessie, an elderly Jewish couple, they go to sleep at night...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26..and they still sleep naked.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31The husband wakes up in the middle of the night, goes to the bathroom, leaves the seat up.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Becky goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39- Saul says, "Where are you going?" "The bathroom."- Doesn't turn the light on. Sits down.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Bingo! Falls in!
0:13:40 > 0:13:44"Saul, I'm in the toilet! I fell in! I can't get out!"
0:13:44 > 0:13:49The suction is too much. She can't lift herself out of the toilet.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52He jerks her right arm, then her left arm. No help.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54He says, "I can't get you loose."
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Saul called the plumber. "You gotta get me out of here."
0:13:57 > 0:14:00It's 2am. He calls the plumber.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03The plumber rings the bell. Saul says, "Let me get it."
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- She says, "I got nothing to wear." - "He'll see me!"
0:14:06 > 0:14:10She says, "I'm exposed and you're bringing a plumber in. Give me some cover!"
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"At least give me a yarmulke."
0:14:12 > 0:14:16He says, "Hold on." Takes off his yarmulke and puts it over her private parts.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21- So she does that... - He brings in the plumber. The plumber surveys the situation.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23And he looks to the right, looks to the left.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28Scratches you-know-where and he says, um, "Hmm."
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Saul says "What do you think?" - "Saul..."
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- "I can get her off the bowl." - "I can save your wife."
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- "Your wife is going to be fine." - "But the rabbi, he's a goner."
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- "But the rabbi's a goner." - "But the rabbi's a goner!"
0:14:40 > 0:14:44"But we couldn't save the rabbi."
0:14:44 > 0:14:46A small man walks into a psychiatrist's office.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51He says to the psychiatrist, "By any chance, do you treat dwarves?"
0:14:51 > 0:14:53The psychiatrist says, "Yes, I do.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56"You'll just have to be a little patient!"
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- That's so stupid! - SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:15:00 > 0:15:04This man is in the recovery room, he's just had surgery.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08His eyes flutter and they open and he sees the nurse standing there,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12and he says, "Nurse!" She says, "Yes, sir?"
0:15:12 > 0:15:17He says, "Nurse! Are my testicles black?"
0:15:17 > 0:15:21She says, "Sir, I'm just a trainee!"
0:15:21 > 0:15:26He says, "Nurse! Are my testicles black?"
0:15:26 > 0:15:30She says, "Sir, I'm not authorised."
0:15:30 > 0:15:34He says, "Nurse! Are my testicles black?!"
0:15:34 > 0:15:40She says to herself, "He's getting so upset. He may do himself some injury. "I better... OK."
0:15:40 > 0:15:43And she removes the blanket
0:15:43 > 0:15:48and examines him very carefully.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Puts the blanket back and says,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53"Sir, they are perfectly fine."
0:15:53 > 0:15:57He says, "Oh, thank you. That was very nice.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"Um, now, listen carefully.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03HE ENUNCIATES "Are my test results back?"
0:16:03 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:09 > 0:16:12This little Jewish man gets on a plane.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17He's sitting next to two Arabs, going from New York to California.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21The Arabs are in their full regalia and he's wearing his yarmulke.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24They're sitting there and sort of...
0:16:24 > 0:16:28..politely nodding to each other, a little conversation.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Finally, about an hour out on the flight,
0:16:30 > 0:16:36he says to them, "Excuse me, I'm going to get a Coke. Could I get you something?"
0:16:36 > 0:16:42The two Arabs say, "That would be very nice of you. We'd like a Coke, too."
0:16:42 > 0:16:47He comes back with three Cokes and he gives one to one Arab, one to the other
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and takes his and they toast and they start drinking.
0:16:50 > 0:16:56The little Jewish guy says, "This is so wonderful for us to be together."
0:16:56 > 0:17:00He says, "Why must we continue, why must we have all the bombings,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"all the fightings,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"all the peeing in the Cokes?"
0:17:05 > 0:17:07LAUGHTER
0:17:07 > 0:17:11This guy tells his mother he's finally going to get married.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15The mother is thrilled. "When am I going to meet her?"
0:17:15 > 0:17:18He said, "Well, Ma, I'd like to play a little game with you.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20"You have a good sense of what's going on.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24"I'd like to bring three women in and have you tell me who's going to be my wife."
0:17:24 > 0:17:26The woman agrees.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31The next day, he brings in three beautiful ladies, sits down on the couch by Mom.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Mom talks to them for two minutes and she goes,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35"The redhead in the middle!"
0:17:35 > 0:17:40The guy goes, "Ma, that's amazing. How did you do it?"
0:17:40 > 0:17:43She said, "Because I don't like her!"
0:17:43 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:47APPLAUSE
0:17:52 > 0:17:56What is the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler?
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:07APPLAUSE
0:18:07 > 0:18:09SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:18:13 > 0:18:15AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:18:19 > 0:18:24Alice and Sidney are neighbours and they each grow vegetables in their backyard.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27And one day, they're both out together
0:18:27 > 0:18:29and Sidney is picking up tomatoes,
0:18:29 > 0:18:33beautiful, ripe, huge red tomatoes.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38Alice says to him, "Sidney, how do you get the tomatoes so red and ripe?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"Look at mine! They're pink! They never turn any colour."
0:18:41 > 0:18:44He says, "I'll tell you my secret, Alice.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49"Twice a day, every single day, I take off my clothes,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52"I put on my raincoat, I go outside
0:18:52 > 0:18:55"and I flash the tomatoes."
0:18:55 > 0:18:59"They're so embarrassed, they turn this gorgeous, gorgeous red."
0:18:59 > 0:19:03She says, "Hm, not a bad idea."
0:19:03 > 0:19:08So she tries the same thing. Every day for two weeks, she's flashing out in her garden.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Finally, they're both out there at the same time again
0:19:11 > 0:19:15and Sidney says, "Well, Alice, did you try my idea?"
0:19:15 > 0:19:19She said, "Yeah, I did." He said, "So, how are your tomatoes?"
0:19:19 > 0:19:22She said, "They're just as pink as ever.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26"But you should take a look at my cucumbers!"
0:19:26 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:35There's a world-famous specialist in a highly specialised field of cardiology,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38he got his undergraduate and his medical degree
0:19:38 > 0:19:40and his PhD in his hometown.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43He was then practicing as a research doctor
0:19:43 > 0:19:46at the highest level in New York.
0:19:46 > 0:19:52He wrote a significant paper and was invited to deliver the paper at a meeting,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55which, by coincidence, is in his hometown.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59He's called to the dais. This room is full of men and women,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02the men wearing tuxedos, the women properly attired for an august event.
0:20:02 > 0:20:08Dr Dropkin approaches the dais, puts his papers on the lectern,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11as he's about to give the talk.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Suddenly, the papers slide to the floor.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17He bends over to pick them up.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20As he does, his tuckus is against the microphone,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22and at the very wrong moment,
0:20:22 > 0:20:28lets one ride that reverberates throughout the room, magnified by the microphone.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Somehow he gains his composure, delivers his paper.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34No sooner is he done, he grabs everything up,
0:20:34 > 0:20:39makes a quick exit through a rear door, never comes back to the town again.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Many years pass. His mother is on in years
0:20:42 > 0:20:46and he has to go back to the town to care for his mother.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49He does so under the name of Dr Cohen,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52makes a reservation at the local Hyatt under that name
0:20:52 > 0:20:55and gets there under a cover of darkness, checks in to the hotel.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58A bright-eyed and bushy-tailed room clerk says,
0:20:58 > 0:21:03"Good evening, Dr Cohen. Have you been in our town before?"
0:21:03 > 0:21:07The doctor says, "As a matter of fact, I grew up here, got my education here,
0:21:07 > 0:21:12"got my doctorate and PhD here at the university and I moved away."
0:21:12 > 0:21:14The man says, "Why haven't you been here?"
0:21:14 > 0:21:18"A number of years ago, an embarrassing thing happened here
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"and I didn't feel that I could come back and face the people."
0:21:21 > 0:21:25The young man says, "Doctor, far be it from me, a young stripling,
0:21:25 > 0:21:30"to advise a distinguished older gentleman such as you,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"but if I can give you anything from my experience,
0:21:33 > 0:21:37"things that I thought were embarrassing and that people noticed,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40"I later found out that no-one knew that they happened.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44"I'm sure that's true of the thing that you think is so embarrassing."
0:21:44 > 0:21:47The doctor says, "No, I doubt anyone has forgotten this."
0:21:47 > 0:21:51The young man says, "Well, was it a long time ago? "Yes, it was a very long time ago.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55The young man says, "Was it before the Dropkin fart or after?"
0:21:55 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:08Morris is about to turn 95. He's already resident in a very elegant nursing home.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11His sons want to give him a present, but don't know what to give him.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14They talk. "Maybe we'll take him to Israel."
0:22:14 > 0:22:18"No, no. Let's go to Poppa and ask him what he wants."
0:22:18 > 0:22:21They go to Morris and say, "It's going to be your 95th birthday.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23"What would you like as a present?"
0:22:23 > 0:22:26He said, "Well, fellas, I'm getting a little lonely here.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29"Maybe you'll bring me a nice young woman,
0:22:29 > 0:22:33"put her in my bed with me and I'll have an afternoon with her."
0:22:33 > 0:22:39The boys are shocked. "We can't! It's a nursing home. They'll throw him out."
0:22:39 > 0:22:41One son says to the other, "Listen, I've got an idea.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46"They're making inflatable dolls now that are so fantastic that you can't you can't tell.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50"Poppa doesn't see so well, hear so well. It'll be fine."
0:22:50 > 0:22:55They go and they spend a fortune on this blonde blow-up doll.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58They put it in the bed, they bring the father in,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01they leave the father alone, go outside and wait.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06They hear a little noise. Then all of a sudden, they hear an explosion and the father screams.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08They run in and say, "Poppa, what happened?"
0:23:08 > 0:23:11"Well," he said, "this girl doesn't talk very much.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14"We're lying in bed, making out a little bit,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16"I started to nibble a little bit on her breast,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19"all of a sudden, she farts and flies out the window!"
0:23:19 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Old man walks into church and goes into the confessional.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30He says, "My name is Sam Cohen.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33"I want you should hear mine confession."
0:23:33 > 0:23:35The priest goes, "We can't do that!"
0:23:35 > 0:23:38He says, "My name is Sam Cohen!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40"I want you should hear mine confession!"
0:23:40 > 0:23:42They go back and forth,
0:23:42 > 0:23:46the priest sees he's not going to talk the man out of it, so he says,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49"OK, fine. Let me hear your confession."
0:23:49 > 0:23:54He says, "Well, my name is Sam Cohen, I'm 85 years old.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58"Yesterday, my wife and I went by the grandchildren
0:23:58 > 0:24:00"and they all went to the zoo.
0:24:00 > 0:24:06"I'm tired, I stay back home with the babysitter, 18 years old."
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"And what do you know?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12"Next thing, I'm on top of the babysitter
0:24:12 > 0:24:14"and we're making moofki-poofki.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16"I'm 85. She's 18.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19"We do it once, twice, three,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22"four times we make moofki-poofki!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25"85. She's 18. What do you think of that?"
0:24:25 > 0:24:30The priest says, "Er, well, sir, I don't quite understand.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35"I'm a Catholic priest. You're obviously a Jewish man. Why are you telling this to me?"
0:24:35 > 0:24:38The guy says, "I'm telling everybody!"
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Becky and Molly are sitting in their condo in Fort Lauderdale.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Becky says, "You're not going to believe this,
0:24:45 > 0:24:49"but there is a good-looking guy that just moved in.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52"He's a widower and he's looking for a good woman."
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Her friend says, "Really? I'd like to go out with him."
0:24:55 > 0:25:00She said, "Wait. I went out with him last night. Let me tell you all about it.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"I got a new gorgeous dress,
0:25:03 > 0:25:07"he came on time, he brought me flowers,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"we walked downstairs, there was a limo,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"we went to the finest restaurant."
0:25:13 > 0:25:15"I looked beautiful in my new dress,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18"he bought the best champagne, the best dinner,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"so I invited him to come back to the apartment.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25"We get back into the apartment and he becomes an animal.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30"He tears off my new dress and he has his way with me twice."
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Her friend says, "Oh, my God! You're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
0:25:34 > 0:25:37She said, "No, go. Just wear an old dress."
0:25:37 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Sam goes into Macy's to the lingerie department
0:25:47 > 0:25:49and he says to the salesgirl,
0:25:49 > 0:25:53"My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56"and she said that you'd know what I meant."
0:25:56 > 0:25:58The saleslady says,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02"Boy, it's been a long time since anybody asked me for a Jewish bra.
0:26:02 > 0:26:09"They usually ask me for a Catholic bra or a Salvation Army bra or a Presbyterian bra."
0:26:09 > 0:26:11He said, "What's the difference?"
0:26:11 > 0:26:13She said, "The Catholic bra supports the masses,
0:26:13 > 0:26:17"The Salvation Army uplifts the downfallen
0:26:17 > 0:26:21"and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
0:26:21 > 0:26:23He said, "Well, what's a Jewish bra?"
0:26:23 > 0:26:26"Oh, a Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills."
0:26:26 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:32This young woman is walking home to her home on Madison Avenue in New York
0:26:32 > 0:26:35and she passes this pet store.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38She looks in the window and sees a lot of cute puppies and a frog.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42The frog has a sign on his neck saying, "10,000."
0:26:42 > 0:26:45She can't believe it.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47She goes inside, she says to the owner,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49"Why is this frog worth £10,000?"
0:26:49 > 0:26:52He says, "This is a very special frog.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57"This is Pierre, a frog who does oral sex."
0:26:57 > 0:27:01She said, "Really?" He said, "Yes. We'll give you a free sample."
0:27:01 > 0:27:04So she comes in and he says, "Sit down in this chair."
0:27:04 > 0:27:07He takes this frog, Pierre, and he puts the frog on the floor
0:27:07 > 0:27:10and says, "Go ahead, Pierre, go do her."
0:27:10 > 0:27:12The frog doesn't move.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15He says, "Can you open your legs a little bit more
0:27:15 > 0:27:18"so the frog would know what to do?"
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Opens her legs. The frog doesn't move.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25He says, "I hate to say this, but you should take your underwear off."
0:27:25 > 0:27:30She takes her underwear off, sitting there, and he says, "Go ahead, Pierre, go do her."
0:27:30 > 0:27:32The frog doesn't move. The owner goes,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35"This is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this!"
0:27:39 > 0:27:44It was during the horrible time in the 1940s,
0:27:44 > 0:27:50and two Jewish agents were assigned to assassinate Hitler.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53They had great intelligence that Hitler was going to be
0:27:53 > 0:27:56at a certain intersection at three o'clock in the afternoon.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00They got their weapons together, they made their plan of how to kill him.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04The positioned themselves on the day in question.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Three o'clock comes. No Hitler.
0:28:07 > 0:28:103.30 comes. No Hitler.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Four o'clock comes. No Hitler.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15One turns to the other and says,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17"He's always on time. I can't understand it.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19"I hope he's OK!"
0:28:19 > 0:28:21LAUGHTER
0:28:24 > 0:28:27You've got to be Jewish to like that one!
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:32 > 0:28:36E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk