0:00:02 > 0:00:06- COMMENTATOR:- So, there she is, Jessica Ennis, what an Olympic Games this has been for her.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08A great Olympic Games, indeed.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Well, now it's time to leave athletics
0:00:10 > 0:00:13and join the women's weightlifting.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15First up, it's Estonia's Verna Halk.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20She approaches the bar... and there's the snatch!
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Been there, done that, got the simmit.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Aye, it'd be an honour for them to ask me.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I think you'll find that I'm already the Scotland boss.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Yeah, I can do that, no problem.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Are you aff your heid?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46No, thanks.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Come and get me, Scotland.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Leave him where he is, Scotland.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01for today's half-time 50/50 draw we have a very special guest with us,
0:01:01 > 0:01:05someone that you'll know from the telly and in the papers and that.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Please put your hands together for The Naked Rambler.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13A WOMAN SCREAMS
0:01:15 > 0:01:19OK, folks, get yer tickets ready, here we go.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Ooooh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- Sorry, sorry. Are you OK there? - It's all right. It's fine.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32RAPID SLAPPING
0:01:37 > 0:01:42So Charlie, 2012 - what a year!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44How would you sum it all up, mate?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48James, I think I can say, without fear of contraception,
0:01:48 > 0:01:55the last twelve months to a year has been truly pneumatic for our game.
0:01:55 > 0:01:592012 is going to go down in the canals of history
0:01:59 > 0:02:02as the most significant year in the
0:02:02 > 0:02:04sporting life of our footballery.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Financial wise, we were looking at a domino effect
0:02:08 > 0:02:10that could have meant checkmate
0:02:10 > 0:02:13and the final nail in our coffee,
0:02:13 > 0:02:18but thankfully, someone grabbed the bull by the china shop
0:02:18 > 0:02:21and we ended up back at square leg.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Now, OK, the Doomsday Scenario never
0:02:24 > 0:02:30maternalised and we have a second chalice so, from now on, please,
0:02:30 > 0:02:36no more prefabricating, or believe me, the fans might still come,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39but only under Durex.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Charlie, mate, that says it all!
0:02:44 > 0:02:49- ANNOUNCER:- Now on BBC Alba, live football, as Rangers travel
0:02:49 > 0:02:53to somewhere desolate, to take on some team we wouldn't be remotely
0:02:53 > 0:02:57interested in otherwise. Here is your host, Chick Young.
0:02:57 > 0:03:03SINGS IN GAELIC
0:03:03 > 0:03:04SPEAKS GAELIC
0:03:13 > 0:03:17I have with me fans of... erm... the team that Rangers are playing.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Tell me, lads, did you ever think that the mighty Rangers would ever
0:03:20 > 0:03:24be playing in - well, with the greatest respect - a dump like this
0:03:24 > 0:03:28against a team as utterly crap as yours?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I think you're well out of order there, Chick. Nae need for that.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Aye, it's no' our fault Rangers are where they are, they got what they deserved.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37No, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm not having that.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39No, no, no, I patronised you in good faith,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43I gave you a platform to express your views and you abused it,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46so go on...get tae Fochabers!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Of course, no Gaelic channel television presentation
0:03:49 > 0:03:50would be complete without the
0:03:50 > 0:03:55presence of the very gorgeous, the very lovely, the very gorgeous,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Cathy MacDonald.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Ah, Cathy...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01SPEAKING PIGEON GAELIC
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Well, yes, of course.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Thank you so much, Cathy.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27You're looking as gorgeous as ever. Go please and enjoy the game.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31I understand, however, that the game's been delayed cos somebody has
0:04:31 > 0:04:34kicked the match ball into some old punter's garden.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38He says it's damaged his rhubarb and he'll no' give them the ball back.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43However, in the meantime...
0:04:43 > 0:04:46SINGS IN GAELIC
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Glasgow Celtic are 125 years old this year.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06It all began with the founding principles of Brother Walfrid.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Speak, Brother Walfrid, what is your vision?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Celtic Football and Athletic Club
0:05:12 > 0:05:16will exist as a charitable institution.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20From our first day forward, we will focus our community,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24support families and help the poor.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29And over time, we'll be associated with smoke bombs
0:05:29 > 0:05:34and big banners showing folk shooting zombies.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37We'll play our first refereed match on Saturday at three.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42On Saturday at five, we'll make our first complaint about that referee.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44And if we don't win it,
0:05:44 > 0:05:48on Sunday we will blame the whole thing on a conspiracy.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Cos our dream is that, one day, Celtic will be the crowned
0:05:53 > 0:05:57the best football club in all Europe.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Just the once, mind.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02And then we will blab on about it for all eternity.
0:06:03 > 0:06:09These are the founding principles of Celtic Football Club.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Hail! Hail!
0:06:12 > 0:06:13- ALL:- Hail! Hail!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18The Order is often criticised for living in the past
0:06:18 > 0:06:21and not embracing the modern world.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26This is very hurtful to us, which is why this marching season
0:06:26 > 0:06:28we've made some big changes.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by PSY
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I'm Jim Spence and I've travelled
0:06:50 > 0:06:52the roads and miles from bonny Dundee
0:06:52 > 0:06:57to BBC Scotland's Headquarters, here in Glasgow,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00to hook up live, by digital satellite cable,
0:07:00 > 0:07:04with a very special Scotsman, Sir Chris Hoy.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Lord Jim Spence here.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10First off, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11It's a pleasure, Jim.
0:07:11 > 0:07:18So, Sir Chris, your Hoyness, what a year. Twa gold medals!
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Yin in the track cycling sprint. I mean you wheech roond that track
0:07:22 > 0:07:26quicker than Oor Wullie's cartie doon Stoorie Brae.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Congratulations, that must have been the berries.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Eh, yes, it was the berries. I think.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- And the other one was for the kei... key..?- The keirin.
0:07:38 > 0:07:43Keirin. Yes, that is my favourite Japanese beer.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Now, over your career,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50you've won four unforgettable Olympic gold medals...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Erm, six, Jim, six.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56As I said, six unforgettable gold medals,
0:07:56 > 0:08:01so let me ask you a serious technical question - before
0:08:01 > 0:08:07going into a race, have you ever thought of sticking a playing card
0:08:07 > 0:08:09in your spokes?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I think that would be braw. I mean, if you're spinning roond
0:08:12 > 0:08:15the track, you know, making that cracking wee noise,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19you know, the tutt, tutt, tutt, tutt, tutt, tutt, tutt...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22What do you reckon, Sir Chris, eh? A winner?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I'll think about it, I don't know if it'd be very aerodynamic, though.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29No, no, you're right. But, hey, it would sure sound magic.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33You think about that, Sir Big Man, eh?
0:08:33 > 0:08:39Noo, history is littered with great cyclists - Bradley Wiggins,
0:08:39 > 0:08:44the laddie with the trendy sideboxers - the sort of futuristic
0:08:44 > 0:08:47hairdo Dundee men can only fantasise about.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52There's Graeme Obree, who built a bike out of a washing machine.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57And there's ET, who, quite literally, pedalled over the moon.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59But for me, there is only one
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Sir Chris Hoy - you are an inspiration.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Thank you very much, Jim, cheers.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Thank you.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10What do I think of Sevco? Well, you
0:09:10 > 0:09:14know, I think he did a great job of organising the Olympics. Marvellous.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Hearts are in a bad way, ken, that's why all true Jambo gadgies,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22even our Olympic heroes, would agree that
0:09:22 > 0:09:25we have to do all we can to get money to help the club.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46Oh, ha-ha. You've just caught me having a snack.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Is there anything finer than a square sausage?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I believe there is -
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Scottish independence.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03That is why, today, I'm introducing a totally new voting system
0:10:03 > 0:10:10for the Independence Referendum. And it's the simplest yet.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14You'll enter the polling booth and make a simple choice.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Centuries of English oppression
0:10:17 > 0:10:18or...
0:10:18 > 0:10:24a prosperous future. Voting has never been easier.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28This revolutionary method
0:10:28 > 0:10:33of voting has been endorsed by business leaders across the country.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I endorse this method.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45If you cut me open, you wouldn't see blood, guts, bone and gristle.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49You'd see square sausage.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53So, when you cast your independence vote,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I want you to remember one thing -
0:10:57 > 0:11:02choose a squarer sausage for a fairer Scotland.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- NARRATOR:- Craig Brown reads extracts from the steamy novel
0:11:06 > 0:11:09that's got readers in the North gripped.
0:11:10 > 0:11:16Fraser was smooth, yet firm, like a well-fired buttery roll.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Morag's enflamed passion burned red -
0:11:20 > 0:11:23as red as Aberdeen's socks.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Breathlessly she whispered, "Foo's yer doos?"
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Fraser said, "Aye, peckin'".
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Morag crumpled, like Scott Vernon in the box.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39Her inner goddess danced the Dashing White Sergeant of desire.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Fraser fumbled at the quine's bodice.
0:11:42 > 0:11:48Her skin was white, white. White, like a white pudding supper.
0:11:48 > 0:11:54The whiff of canoodling filled the air with an aroma as pungent
0:11:54 > 0:11:57as the Harbour Fish Market.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Both loon and quine fell to nookie,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03stripped as naked and bare...
0:12:04 > 0:12:07..as the Aberdeen trophy cabinet.
0:12:08 > 0:12:1050 Shades of Brown.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Scotland might surprise you.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Our sights are stunning, and thanks to all the windfarms covering them,
0:12:19 > 0:12:23it's gey blawy, which makes my hair
0:12:23 > 0:12:27look great... when I'm posing for the camera.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32The natives are friendly, all right, and their welcome is always warm...
0:12:33 > 0:12:37..and will leave you with memories you will never forget.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Be part of it - visit Scotland, before Donald Trump
0:12:44 > 0:12:46turns it into a golf course.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51OK, guys, keep your eyes on the ball.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53The first drive on the best golf course in the world -
0:12:53 > 0:12:56the Trump International Links.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01'Well, people say that I'm ruining the environment,'
0:13:01 > 0:13:04but I love nature. I mean, if I didn't, then why would
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I let a Mallard duck nest in my head?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13It's not a journey. Shockerooni.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Every trembler ends, but we go on.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24The milk turns, as we turns up the heat on the electric blanket.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Scants disappear over my shoulder.
0:13:28 > 0:13:34But, doll, wherever you go, there I mur.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38My stoater...
0:13:38 > 0:13:39my gimp...
0:13:40 > 0:13:41my burd.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Macca 69...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Incomprehensible.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52You've been in more than your fair share of exciting games
0:13:52 > 0:13:55this season, Danny. What do you put that down to?
0:13:55 > 0:14:00Well, the way Danny Lennon sees it, y'know, if they get one,
0:14:00 > 0:14:06then we'll try to get two. If they get two, we'll try and get three.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09But if they get three, we'll, you know, we'll try and get four.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12And if they get four, we'll, you know, we'll
0:14:12 > 0:14:16try to get five, you know, but not necessarily in that order.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22I mean, you know, if we get one and then they get two, we'll maybe
0:14:22 > 0:14:26get another one, you know, and then they'll sneak another one, but then,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30then hopefully, you know, we can nick another two, but then, you know, if
0:14:30 > 0:14:33they get another one, well, then it's fingers crossed and, you know, we'll
0:14:33 > 0:14:37maybe create maybe one or two half chances, because, well, two halfs
0:14:37 > 0:14:41make a "hole" we might want to crawl into.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43But if we take one, then, who knows,
0:14:43 > 0:14:47you know, we could steal it right at the death of the end, but,
0:14:47 > 0:14:52above all, I'd say Danny Lennon's philosophy is -
0:14:52 > 0:14:54always keep things simple, y'know?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- NARRATOR:- Roberto Mancini, the Italian boss of Manchester City
0:14:59 > 0:15:04has his own unique theories on how to succeed in football.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08The best ingredients, hand-picked from all over the world,
0:15:08 > 0:15:13and zi perfect manager mixes it perfectly, to achieve a coffee
0:15:13 > 0:15:17of football perfection. Grazie.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20You also need a shedload of cash to pay for it!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- VOICE-OVER:- Meanwhile, across Manchester...
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Well, you know, a successful fitba team is like a right good cup of tea,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30you know. It's well brewed.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35Right stewed. Steeshed. Stooshied. And sugary,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38but with just enough bitterness, you know?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41And above a', a fitba team, like a cup of tea,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43should be hot. And if it isnae,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45you use the hairdryer to heat it up.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Ho! Call yourself a cup of tea!!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51How long have you been brewing!!?
0:15:51 > 0:15:52You're a disgrace!!
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Right, serious coupon time, because this is about Rangers.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Charlie, mate, what's happening,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07I mean it's shocking stuff, right, mate?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Indeedly so, James, it looks to me like Rangers have sold
0:16:10 > 0:16:13the wind and now must reap the whirlpool.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Speak comfort to me, Charlie.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22James, if I could I would, but, to play devil's anorak,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25all I would say is, collective-wise, this is all down
0:16:25 > 0:16:29to the individual - your Blue Knights, your Brian Kennedys,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32your no' walking aways. Your Charlie Greens, your Craig Whytes, your
0:16:32 > 0:16:35David Murrays, your Ticketusisses.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Trust me, Rangers need to get their thinking skates on,
0:16:39 > 0:16:43because right now, they're taking a nut to crack a drainpipe.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Charlie, I mean how will this end?
0:16:46 > 0:16:52How will it end, Jim? The jewellery is out on this one, but, I do know,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55it all started when Rangers went
0:16:55 > 0:16:59into menstruation, as a direct result of using PMTs,
0:16:59 > 0:17:04paradoxically, now been proved to be fair, legal and immoral.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07That appeal decision is final,
0:17:07 > 0:17:12pending appeal, pending a counter appeal, but, see once the
0:17:12 > 0:17:16genie is out, you can't put the toothpaste back into the cap.
0:17:16 > 0:17:22And just when you think things can't get any worse, this news just in,
0:17:22 > 0:17:26and get this - TV bosses have admitted they have finally run
0:17:26 > 0:17:31out of ways to film the gates at Ibrox stadium.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Straight on, sidey-ways, jaunty angle this way, jaunty angle that
0:17:36 > 0:17:39way, reflected in a puddle, even in
0:17:39 > 0:17:42black and white. Charlie, mate, what's happening?
0:17:42 > 0:17:47James, for me, it's obvious, that picture-wise, there is a severe
0:17:47 > 0:17:49lacking in the aesthetical.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Well, you're absolutely spot on, Charlie, mate,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55and we'll have more coming up when we get that later on,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59on Rangers Gate-gate.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- HOVIS ADVERT MUSIC PLAYS - Ay up! I'm Charles Green
0:18:02 > 0:18:04and I were brought up to believe in
0:18:04 > 0:18:10black puddin', whippets and good, honest broadband from Yorkshire.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14What do I say to those people who accuse me of playing t'gallery,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17tapping int' mind set and whipping up hysteria?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I say - nowt surrender.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Well, now, I resent the suggestion that my players have lost
0:18:25 > 0:18:28their edge just because Rangers aren't in the league.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Let me tell you that we're totally professional at this club
0:18:32 > 0:18:35and our training sessions here at Lennoxtown are every bit
0:18:35 > 0:18:38as intense as they have always been.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40C'mon boys!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50SIMPLE MINDS PLAYING
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Celtic fans are the greatest fans in the world.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56The noise they make is the greatest noise in the world.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00The songs they sing are the greatest songs in the world.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04When they moan and whinge at their own manager,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07they're the greatest moaners and whingers in the world.
0:19:07 > 0:19:13And when they can't be arsed turning up and leave their seats empty,
0:19:13 > 0:19:18then these are the greatest empty seats in the world.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Hey...it's a Cellic thing.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Welcome to the final of the Great Scottish Bake-Off,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35the show that's just like The Great British Bake-Off, only in this
0:19:35 > 0:19:38version, the contestants don't pass out from hysterical grief
0:19:38 > 0:19:40if their scones don't rise.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Well, the finalists are ready so, Jimmy Calderwood, Kenny Dalglish,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Frank McAvennie - on your marks, get set, bake.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07So, Jimmy, are you an experienced baker?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Oh, yes, Sue, yes indeed, aye, when I was manager at Kilmarnock, I was
0:20:11 > 0:20:14well known for my selection of puddins, you know?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17But baking is special, because it talks to me, you know?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Really? And what do you think this is saying?
0:20:19 > 0:20:25It's saying, "Jimmy, get back into football management", you know.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28"Win the leagues, a' the cups, conquer Europe and win the World Cup
0:20:28 > 0:20:30"for Scotland."
0:20:30 > 0:20:32And why is it telling you that?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34This is a recipe I got in my playing days in Holland.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36It's called a space cake.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39OK, Jimmy, we'll leave you to get baked.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Now, let's have a chat with King Kenny Dalglish.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51So, Kenny Dal, tell me which celebrity chefs do you admire?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56I'd love to have the fashion sense of Jamie Oliver and the cookery
0:20:56 > 0:20:59skills of Fanny Cradock, but standing here the now,
0:20:59 > 0:21:04I know I don't look like Jamie, but I sure feel like a Fanny.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06And what are you cooking up for us?
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Well, I'm mixing butter, milk, castor sugar and condensed milk.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13It's a favourite of myself, Owen
0:21:13 > 0:21:19Coyle, Alex McLeish, Roberto Di Matteo and any sacked manager that's
0:21:19 > 0:21:22trousered a Premiership pay-off.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24It's millionaire's shortbread.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Thank you, Kenny.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31So now we move on to Frank McAvennie. Frank, are you looking
0:21:31 > 0:21:34forward to following in the footsteps of Mr Kipling?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Oh, yes, yes, I'm a big fan of The Jungle Book.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40What's your speciality?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Putting buns in the oven.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45And what are your plans for tonight?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Tonight, tonight the Frankie Boy
0:21:48 > 0:21:51is thinking about a couple of tarts and maybe a bit of muffin.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55But none of your ovens are switched on,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57when are you going to start baking?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Who said anything about baking?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- ANDY MURRAY'S VOICE:- It's the brand new Andy Murray computer game.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07All the emotion of losing tournaments.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11All the emotion of winning tournaments.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Winning gold medals.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Losing finals.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23And all the emotion of finally winning a Grand Slam.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Andy Murray's Tennis Tears 2013 -
0:22:26 > 0:22:29especially for the Nintendo Wiip!
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Now I'm just going to try my first tweet.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44Right, OK, "To whom it may concern,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48"I have just enjoyed a scone.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51"Yours faithfully, Craig Brown."
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Full stop. There, that's marvellous.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00So, do I just take this to the Post Office?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Well, right now, some of the Tartan Army are so desperate
0:23:04 > 0:23:06that they've written to Switzerland.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07- INTERVIEWER:- UEFA?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09No, Dignitas.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13The Board of the Scottish FA
0:23:13 > 0:23:15announces that Craig Levein has been
0:23:15 > 0:23:20relieved of his duties as Scottish national coach.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Erm, the decision was taken because he was rubbish.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28We waited just the three weeks to decide what to do, erm,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31decided to have a meeting, erm, had the meeting
0:23:31 > 0:23:34and decided, at that meeting, to hold another meeting,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38to decide not to make a decision until the following week.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43And trust me, for the SFA, that is being decisive.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Can I help you?
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Good afternoon, yes, I'm looking for a new pair of spectacles,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57something that'll maybe go with, erm, my good suit.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I've got a meeting with, erm, my compensation lawyers.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06- Certainly, let's try a few styles. - OK, yes.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Ah, yes, these are just the job.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16After all, I don't want to look ridiculous.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Absolutely not, but I think before you go, we should run a couple
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- of tests, make sure your eyesight's fine.- Sure, yeah.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25What can you see here?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26A good result.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Can you see anyone here?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32No. Nobody at all.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36What is this?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I have no idea.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Biggest result of the year?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Has to be Celtic 2, Barcelona 1.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Rod Stewart was crying that night
0:24:48 > 0:24:51and let me tell you, mates, so was I.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- ANNOUNCER:- From the makers of Downtown Abbey, a new costume drama
0:24:57 > 0:25:01created especially to appeal to viewers in Scotland.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11MUSIC AND ROWDY BANTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:26When I first came here, I promised to make Rangers history, and I did.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28They are.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Sir Alex, at the end of last season you thought you'd won the league,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36only for it to be snatched away dramatically in the last
0:25:36 > 0:25:39few seconds of the match. What did that feel like?
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Oh, what did that feel like? You know, well, to be honest with you,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45you know, it felt like this.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Your majesty, Mr James Bond.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Good evening, Mr Bond.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Good evening, Your Majesty.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Have you got news for me?
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Yes ma'am.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Rangers won the big tax case.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Yeessssss!!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Frank McAvennie, your Sports Personality of the Year?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Well, if you were to ask the Frankie Boy, I would have to say,
0:26:33 > 0:26:38Victoria Pendleton, because she's got the lot, you know -
0:26:38 > 0:26:42style, grace, good looks and, on the bike, I mean,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45she's such a good cycle-smith.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50I mean, pedalist... I mean...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Rider?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Well, if, you know, if you were to ask me -
0:27:00 > 0:27:01yes.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by PSY
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd