0:00:00 > 0:00:01But now, it's also the time to get your affairs in order.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14The old year has but minutes to go,
0:00:14 > 0:00:17the new one is fast approaching.
0:00:17 > 0:00:23A time to reflect on the past and look forward to the future.
0:00:23 > 0:00:272014 is a big year for Scotland and I,
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Charles Young, firmly believe that Scotland's future
0:00:31 > 0:00:33is "better together".
0:00:33 > 0:00:38That's why, in 2014, I'll be voting
0:00:38 > 0:00:41for Rangers to get back into the Premier League!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43He-he!
0:00:52 > 0:00:56And here we are outside the panda enclosure at Edinburgh Zoo,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00where the world waits to discover if Tian Tian is pregnant
0:01:00 > 0:01:03and the authorities, trying to help matters along,
0:01:03 > 0:01:05have sent in their own expert on impregnation.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Job done.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I'll tell you,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19it's no' the worst night I've ever spent.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28So, gentlemen, it's time, once again,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31to select the new chairman of Rangers.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Are you ready?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:45 > 0:01:47MUSIC STOPS
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Isn't retirement wonderful?
0:02:06 > 0:02:11You have time for yourself to relax and reflect on all your personal
0:02:11 > 0:02:13and professional achievements
0:02:13 > 0:02:15or the number of times
0:02:15 > 0:02:17you got it right up Liverpool.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22But now, it's also the time to get your affairs in order.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Think about how much you're going to leave your loved ones.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Perhaps hee-haw. Or perhaps you want to bump it on to a lump sum,
0:02:30 > 0:02:35for your spouse. She can spend it on your funeral purvey
0:02:35 > 0:02:39or just treat herself to a cruise,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41now she's finally got shot of you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Invest
0:02:42 > 0:02:45in Fergie's Over-50s Cover Plan.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Now's the time to do it,
0:02:47 > 0:02:51while you've still got all your marbles, you're not wearing a nappy
0:02:51 > 0:02:55and you can eat your dinner without sookin' it through a straw.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Do it today and receive
0:02:57 > 0:03:01this free, complimentary pen set.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05It's perfect for sudoku, picking the wax out your ears
0:03:05 > 0:03:09or simply writing letters of complaint to national newspapers.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14Once you receive your form, you'll enter our free prize draw,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16to win this exclusive retirement stairlift.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Reminds me of Wayne Rooney's coupon -
0:03:21 > 0:03:23it's big, it's ugly
0:03:23 > 0:03:25and grannies like to sit on it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You're watching Pointless.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Now, the answer to the question was Heart of Midlothian FC.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Now, does that get no points? Are Hearts pointless?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Let's find out.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40"POINTLESS" JINGLE
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Wow, never seen that on Pointless before.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Heart of Midlothian drop to minus 15 points. Wow.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Neil Lennon, how do you react to reports that two Celtic fans
0:03:55 > 0:03:57climbed the Duke of Wellington
0:03:57 > 0:03:59and placed a traffic cone on the statue's head?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I think the statue must have provoked them.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Word up, Charlie, dude,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Celtic made the group section of the Champions League.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I hate to say it, mate,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14the bile is, literally, bubbling in my gullet,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16but well done to The Hoops.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Whenever I hear that Champions League music, James,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22my arms are covered in goose fat.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Celtic done it roundabout-ways - viz-a-viz
0:04:25 > 0:04:27your Belfasts, your Elfsborgs
0:04:27 > 0:04:30and your Sharktail Parahandys -
0:04:30 > 0:04:33places where sheeps were having their throats slit.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37But fair play, they got to Europe's creme de la crepe.
0:04:37 > 0:04:43Now, Charlie, C-Dog, onto the group itself, Group H -
0:04:43 > 0:04:46H for "Ha-ha! You're humped!" -
0:04:46 > 0:04:50in fairness to folk who like slagging Celtic,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53their results were pure stinking. Right, mate?
0:04:53 > 0:04:58James, there's nae point crying over split milk.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01The Champions League is yesterday's chips.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Domestically, Celtic need to put their chin back on the horse.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08And when you compare Celtic with the rest,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11there is a major MILF between them.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Profound stuff, C-Bomb.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Profound stuff.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Am I aware of the big vote for independence?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Aye.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Is it important for Scotland's future?
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Aye.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Will I be voting?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Aye.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Will I vote "aye"?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Don't know.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31The leader of the opposition,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Mrs Johann...Lamont.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Right, thanks.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Haw, yous SNPs!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40What it is is this, so it is.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Does your leader, the First Minister,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45think he is the pure gemme,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48stoatin' about, whilst gi'ing it laldy with the referenduming?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"Vote for the independence".
0:05:51 > 0:05:56What IS the independence? What will it mean? Naebody knows.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:06:00How comes this? Shouldn't the First Minister
0:06:00 > 0:06:03be telling us what we is actually voting fur,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06instead of us having to dae the vote,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09then us finding oot what we've actually voted fur,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11efter we has voted?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13APPLAUSE
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Damn right, I'm right. No danger.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Eh, that is just scaremongering.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23MUTTERS TO HERSELF
0:06:23 > 0:06:27The superb White Paper has been published
0:06:27 > 0:06:32and I'm here to answer questions. So, please, can I have some?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33APPLAUSE
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Right, then, I will ask the questions, so I will,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40and I will start by asking the First Minister,
0:06:40 > 0:06:45in this new independent Scotland, what will the currency be -
0:06:45 > 0:06:48the euro, the pound?
0:06:48 > 0:06:53Neither. Our currency will be what has sustained the Scottish economy
0:06:53 > 0:06:54for years -
0:06:54 > 0:06:55the ginger bottle.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58APPLAUSE
0:06:58 > 0:06:59What aboot the defence an' that?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02What aboot the nations united and the NATOs and that?
0:07:02 > 0:07:07In the event of any global soapy bubble, will we still be
0:07:07 > 0:07:09looking to them for hauners?
0:07:09 > 0:07:14We will be going it alone and scrapping Trident.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18The people of Scotland don't need nuclear weapons to defend themselves
0:07:18 > 0:07:22when we have the traditional hauf brick and the Stanley knife.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25OK, right, OK. Wan last question...
0:07:25 > 0:07:29What are you going to do when the oil runs oot?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I'll just switch to oven chips.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36APPLAUSE
0:07:39 > 0:07:43How will I be voting in the independence referendum?
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Guilty.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48The day after Andy Murray won the Wimbledon,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I went out and bought a tennis racquet. Six months on,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53are you still using it?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Oh, aye, cos it's great for making chips.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01See to be the St Mirren manager when the St Mirren team
0:08:01 > 0:08:06win a major 'hing, it's like a dream come true for Danny Lennon.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10In fact, it's even better than that. It's like something you'd only
0:08:10 > 0:08:13imagine in a dream when you're sleeping actually happening
0:08:13 > 0:08:15in real life, when you're no'.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17FOOTBALL MATCH ON TV
0:08:17 > 0:08:22Och, I might have known - the Rangers game. Turn it aff.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25No...turn it up.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29More.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Hear that?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I'm sure I can hear sectarian singing.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Me, too. I'm offended.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I'm shocked. I'm switching that aff.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43No, no, keep it on. That's scandalous! Shocking!
0:08:43 > 0:08:44It's outrageous!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"MASTERMIND" THEME
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Can we have our next contestant, please?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Can I have your name, please?
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Hunter Crawford III. And your specialist subject?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07The glory that is the mighty Glasgow Rangers -
0:09:07 > 0:09:111872, now, then, for ever. # We are the pee-pell. #
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Hunter Crawford III,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15on the subject of the glory that is the mighty Glasgow Rangers -
0:09:15 > 0:09:191872, now, then, for ever, we are the people, your time starts now.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21What is generally recognised
0:09:21 > 0:09:23as the greatest club football competition in the world?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25The Ramsden's Cup. Correct.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29What was the name of the ship that Deacon Blue sang about that sums up Rangers?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Dignity. Correct. Complete the sequence -
0:09:32 > 0:09:34administration, liquidation... Still the same club.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Correct. Who said, "The club I sweated blood,
0:09:36 > 0:09:37"sweat and tears for is dead"?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Big Goughy, Richard Gough. Some man.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Who said, "I wish the new Rangers Football Club every good fortune"?
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Walter Smith. Who said
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"John McClelland, who was chairman of the old club,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"some people will tell you, the club that died"?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Jim Spence - an absolute disgrace!
0:09:53 > 0:09:57"The Rangers Football Club" was launched as a business in 2012.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59When did they win their first trophy?
0:09:59 > 0:10:021891. Correct. Which Rangers chairman did Ally McCoist
0:10:02 > 0:10:05describe as, "He's a great guy. I get on brilliant with him?"
0:10:06 > 0:10:08All of them. Correct.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Name a so-called comedian with minging patter and rotten jokes...
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Peter Lawwell.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13END-OF`ROUND`BLEEP
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I've started, so I'll finish.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Finished? Whoa! We were never finished!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20We go on!
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Rangers now,
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Rangers then,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Rangers for ever!
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Your time is up.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30You cut me off, that's censorship against Rangers! Boycott Mastermind!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34# We don't do walking away! #
0:10:34 > 0:10:35I'm out of here.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44So, Charlie, the Scottish government have published their White Paper
0:10:44 > 0:10:48outlining what an independent Scotland could look like.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Has it convinced you? Well, Jim, whether or not you agree
0:10:52 > 0:10:54with what they're trying to do,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I think it is our constipational duty to read it.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01The first thing that caught my eye was that if we became independent,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Scotland is going to keep the pound.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Now, I'm nae economist, but surely we're going to need
0:11:08 > 0:11:10a lot more money than that.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15I've been living down here in London for ten years now,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18but I'm as patriotic as the next guy. I love Scotland.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21OK, I know it's a dump, but it's a great dump. It's my dump.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25And what about independence? Well, I don't really see the point.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28How would we cope? All the money and opportunities are down here.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Big Issue, mate?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Big Issue!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Get your Big Issue!
0:11:33 > 0:11:40# Oh, come all you faithful
0:11:40 > 0:11:44# Joyful and triumphant
0:11:44 > 0:11:46# Oh, come ye
0:11:46 > 0:11:54# Oh, come ye to Bethlehem... #
0:11:54 > 0:11:56It's the smash-hit duet of the season,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58from The King and our very own SuBo!
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Just one of the songs featured on Elvis Presley's brand-new album
0:12:02 > 0:12:05of Scottish duets, featuring Jimmy Calderwood...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07# Oh, bless my soul What's wrong with me?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10# I'm itching like a man on a fuzzy tree
0:12:10 > 0:12:13# My friends say I'm acting wild as a bug
0:12:13 > 0:12:16# I'm in love Ooh! I'm all shook up!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19# Uh-uh-uh, uh
0:12:19 > 0:12:22# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #
0:12:22 > 0:12:23The Proclaimers...
0:12:23 > 0:12:28# Dirrid-dah-dah! Dirrid-dah-dah!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30# Dan-dan-dan, dirrid-dih da-ra-dan-da-ran-dan-dan-ra-dan.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Some Celtic fans on tour in Holland...
0:12:32 > 0:12:36# Let's rock Everybody, let's rock
0:12:38 > 0:12:41# Everybody in the whole cell block
0:12:41 > 0:12:43# Was dancing to the jailhouse rock
0:12:43 > 0:12:46# Oh, yeah, here we go, boys... #
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Elvis Presley's Scottish Duets - out now!
0:12:51 > 0:12:58Monsieurs, UEFA are in agreement. Vive la difference.
0:12:58 > 0:13:05We sell ze Champions League TV rights for ?897 million.
0:13:05 > 0:13:13So this phone call to BT Sport could change the destiny of football.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16'Hello, this is BT Sport.'
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Bonjour. This is Michel Platini from UEFA. Let's do it.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26'I'm sorry, all our operators are busy, but if you would like to hold, we will be with you shortly.'
0:13:27 > 0:13:29BIRD CAWS
0:13:32 > 0:13:34700 years ago today,
0:13:34 > 0:13:38the greatest event in the history of Scotland took place.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41No, not the first episode of Taggart.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46The event of which I speak took place right here by this burn,
0:13:46 > 0:13:51known as the Bannock - a place forever known from that day hence
0:13:51 > 0:13:54to this day whence as the burn of the Bannock or...
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Bannockburn.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Then, it was a battlefield,
0:14:00 > 0:14:05now, it's a major drama-docu-soap- reconstruction-serial.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Bannockburn - starring Gordon Strachan,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11as Robert the Bruce.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Am I ready to do battle for our noble cause?
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Aye.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Having said that, I've put a tenner on England, just in case.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22A wee tip frae Ian Black.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Bannockburn - the land by the burn of the Bannock,
0:14:31 > 0:14:36where water flowed o'er dry stane and discarded pram.
0:14:36 > 0:14:42Bannockburn - forever linked to an epic time, 1314,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44which is about a quarter past one.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51Righto, kids, into bed. That's it, quick as you can. Marvellous.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Superb. That's it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Now, where was I?
0:14:56 > 0:15:01'Grandpa Alex turned to Roy Keane and he said,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04'"Who are you looking at, ya dick?!",
0:15:04 > 0:15:08'before giving the hairdryer treatment
0:15:08 > 0:15:10'to the greetin-faced wee nyaff.'
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I think it's time for us to go to sleep now, please.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15No' by my watch it isnae!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Welcome back to Soccer Saturday. First it was 1-0, then it was 1-1,
0:15:21 > 0:15:26then it was 2-1, then 3-1, then 3-2. What is it now, Jamie Carragher?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Still 0-0, Jeff.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30It's a real togger, this one.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Szczesny's having a 'mare, Koscielny's having a 'mare,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Mertesacker's having a 'mare and Frimpong's having a stinker.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37And what's the crowd like, Jamie?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Have to say, Jeff, they've gone so quiet, you can hear the players
0:15:40 > 0:15:43and management shouting at each other, but I can't make out
0:15:43 > 0:15:45what they're saying cos they're speaking English.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48They're the two words every football fan in Scotland dreads -
0:15:48 > 0:15:49"international weekend".
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Will that change after the referendum, Graeme Souness?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56To be fair, Jeff, we only dreaded international weekends
0:15:56 > 0:15:59when Scotland were playing badly and that isn't the case,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02now that Gordon Strachan has come in and done almost as good a job
0:16:02 > 0:16:04as I would have. Back to the action.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07It's all about expression, so what about your expression?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Do you have you got more than one, X Factor winner, James Arthur?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Do you want to come back in there, James?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20James, on the ball, as always.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22We'll be right back after the break.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Commonwealth Games tickets - have you got yours?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29I managed to get tickets for the table tennis.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33It's just like real tennis, only on a much smaller scale.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36So, I'll be taking this.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Come on, Bonnie Scotland!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42HE CHUCKLES
0:16:42 > 0:16:46The triathlon? No, I'm sorry,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49there's no way you should get a medal just for trying.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Will I be watching the Commonwealth Games?
0:16:52 > 0:16:57Aye. Might as well, seeing as Scotland have the summer off.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00The Commonwealth Games in Glasgow is a big thing.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02It's like the whole of the Commonwealth
0:17:02 > 0:17:04getting together for some games in Glasgow.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Danny Lennon is taking his players to the netball,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08which will be educational for them,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11because it involves two things they struggle putting together -
0:17:11 > 0:17:13net and ball.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Oh, yes, I've got my tickets for the Rhythmic Gymnastics.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I'll be down the front, shoutin', "C'mon the hoops!"
0:17:23 > 0:17:25The Virgin Islands?
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Where are they staying?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33It's been marvellous for everyone at the club to have Partick Thistle
0:17:33 > 0:17:35back in the big time.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Crowds are up, due to various ticketing initiatives for Jags fans.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40We have our season ticket gate, discounts for OAPs,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44under-16s go free, student concessions
0:17:44 > 0:17:48and, of course, our extremely popular Unemployed Actors' gate.
0:17:51 > 0:17:562014 is going to be a massive year for Scottish golf,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Charlie, with the Ryder Cup being held at Gleneagles.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04Without a shallow of a doubt, Jim. The Ryder Cup is the skidmark event
0:18:04 > 0:18:06in the golfing colander
0:18:06 > 0:18:10and Scotland has been picked to be the ghost country.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14It really is a special event that has us all glued to the edges
0:18:14 > 0:18:16of wur TVs every time it's played.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20And it seems to have that indefensible something
0:18:20 > 0:18:22that you just cannae put your finger on.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Maybe it's because it's bisexual and is only held every second year.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32As part of the thrust to eradicate time being wasted in games,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34the SFA has come up with this...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36yellow cards pre-printed with the names
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Ian Black and Scott Brown.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Are you a First Minister?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Do you have trouble keeping track of everything?
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Well, why not get yourself the Alex Salmond Handbag?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58It's the indispensable item for the busy First Minister on the go.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03Loads of room to store random crowd-pleasing policies
0:19:03 > 0:19:07that can be pulled out the bag at the drop of an opinion poll.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12Strong handles, able to withstand any number of swings at David Cameron
0:19:12 > 0:19:18during a live TV debate - if he's ever brave enough to agree to one.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22A comfy wee pocket for Nicola Sturgeon. "Hiya!"
0:19:22 > 0:19:26And...don't forget the secret inside pocket,
0:19:26 > 0:19:27big enough to store
0:19:27 > 0:19:32that spur-of-the-moment brass-neck Saltire!
0:19:32 > 0:19:36The Alex Salmond Handbag - perfect for all occasions.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40And, if the independence referendum is a "no",
0:19:40 > 0:19:43you can pack up all your gear into it
0:19:43 > 0:19:44and bugger off.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49We're rapidly heading towards the transfer deadline day deadline,
0:19:49 > 0:19:53when the transfer window slams shut and, let me tell you, mates,
0:19:53 > 0:19:58haud me back! Some of the names coming and going so far...
0:19:58 > 0:20:03Oh, Mesut Ozil - a decent player but what a coupon!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06He looks like one of the Aquaphibians out of Stingray.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10And Gareth Bale. You're on 250,000 grand a week, mate,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12why the long face?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Some news coming in. Thank you, Lauren.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Wilian, 40 million,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Scherle, 28 million,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Fernandinho, 28 million,
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Navas, 20 million,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Negredo, 32 million.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31And Cammy Bell, free transfer.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Thanks, Chris. Some more news just in - and what about this?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Biggest move of the entire window! Get this!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Ally McCoist has walked...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44from Gregg's to KFC.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Three-way fight for Derek Riordan between Alloa, Arbroath
0:20:48 > 0:20:51and Jobseekers. Brucey is staying with Strictly.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Nice to see that, to see that, nice.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Now, just to be clear, remember,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59after the window closes, you can still sign for a club
0:20:59 > 0:21:03if you are a free agent or, as I prefer to call them,
0:21:03 > 0:21:04a diddy.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09"MASTERMIND" THEME
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Next contestant, please.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Your name, please?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Occupation?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31And your specialist subject?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Your questions on the Sellik, the Thunder start now.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39What constitutes a right cracking atmosphere,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41pure brilliant noise-up and fun environment
0:21:41 > 0:21:43for other spectators at a Sellik game?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46This. Ay!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48# Come on, you Bhoys in green
0:21:48 > 0:21:51# Come on, you Bhoys in green... #
0:21:51 > 0:21:53You got a problem with that?! Correct.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Yes. Yes, that's what I want.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Yes, I understand that.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Uh-huh. That's the account.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Thank you.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Brilliant, Dad!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08You got my Kilmarnock season ticket cancelled?!
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Cheering up your wee boy. Priceless.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20New to Netflix - groundbreaking, hard-hitting drama.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Let's get cooking.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25The heat is rising.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28The product is hot.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Go, go, go!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35And out there, they just can't get enough.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Who wants a special pie?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40THEY ALL CLAMOUR
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Set on the terraces of Glebe Park,
0:22:43 > 0:22:44don't miss...
0:22:46 > 0:22:49..Brechin Bad.
0:22:52 > 0:22:58I see the SPFL have signed a deal to show 58 games in China.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00With their record on human rights,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03have those poor people not suffered enough?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06We firmly believe that you cannot beat a bit of experience.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10That's why at this hardware centre we have a deliberate policy of
0:23:10 > 0:23:13hiring from the ranks of the retired.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18We feel that they offer a unique service and advice,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20due to their knowledge and understanding.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22A drill?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I'll give you a drill.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Run up and doon this passageway noo. On ye go! Get a shift on.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Beyond the pale, he really is.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32A nice shade of purple?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Well, take your pick.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Who are you calling a tool?!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Go on, beat it!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Shocking behaviour.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Self-tapping screws?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49No, I'm sorry, pal. I can't help you there.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52That's one for Giggsy.
0:23:53 > 0:23:59And now, as Only An Excuse and 2013 draws to a close,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Scottish football pays tribute
0:24:02 > 0:24:05to those no longer with us.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Trust me, mates. He's off.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Yes! Correctamundo.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40The Frankie Boy has signed up for the OAE Harmony.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I'm on the internet and on the sniff.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Because, let's be honest,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51getting a lumber online is for normal folk noo.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56It's no longer the preserve of zoomers and munters.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01The site asked if I was prepared to fill in a few boxes. I says,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03"Filling boxes is a speciality."
0:25:03 > 0:25:05It's all done online
0:25:05 > 0:25:08so you can totally dae it in the scud.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11It's extremely comprehensive.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16You can find friendship, companionship, love, marriage
0:25:16 > 0:25:22or just right good, rampant no-strings, full-on, all-ways nookie.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26I registered because I'm looking for that special someone,
0:25:26 > 0:25:30but I'd also consider a multiple Groupon booking.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33OAE Harmony.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Just click to neck
0:25:35 > 0:25:37and if you're watching, Nigella,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I hear you're on the sniff, too.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47HE HUMS: "Auld Lang Syne"
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Aw, Craig Brown was right. These things ARE brilliant.