0:00:13 > 0:00:17Ahhh! Welcome to the funny, light, inclusive
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Cookery Funny Kitchen Fun Show
0:00:19 > 0:00:21featuring content.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Where fun and food go shit-for-bust together.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Yeah, they certainly do.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Why are you washing your hands, Frankie?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Because I'm a sex addict, Bob.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Yeah. Just getting the last bits of residue off there.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Just the top layer of residue.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Lovely, I'm giving mine a wipe as well.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38So what are you cooking for us today, Frankie?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40- A Lancashire hotpot. - Mmm!
0:00:40 > 0:00:43There's a red light going off there, Bob.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Let me explain. That is a viewer-feedback warning light,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50to let us know if we're reaching the required quota
0:00:50 > 0:00:53of social-media buzz and fun.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I'm looking inside myself and I'm struggling to care about that.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59No, I can tell that, Frankie. But this hotpot sounds delicious,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01so, off you go.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03You're going to need a neck of lamb,
0:01:03 > 0:01:07some potatoes, carrots and peas.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08- There's a little green light now. - Yeah.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13Now, that is a different viewer-response buzzer light.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16That indicates that that list of ingredients that you just gave
0:01:16 > 0:01:20was a potentially informative bridge in the show.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24But not enough to actually ward off
0:01:24 > 0:01:28the lack of positive social-media-buzz warning light.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32I wasn't warned about this system of supervisory...lighting.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36No, you weren't. And I wasn't told about the use of peas.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38That's a bit of a downer, isn't it?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Tell me about it, mate, it's a sickener.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Yeah. Wasn't there something else you could have used?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45A broad bean, a kidney bean? Something like that.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I fucking wish, but...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Unless you want me to mislead the viewers?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50I would hate you to do that, Frankie.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- Well, it's peas, then. - Frankie, this doesn't mean
0:01:52 > 0:01:56that you're endorsing the use of peas more generally, does it?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57- Does it fuck! - Oh, right.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Is that little blue light cos I swore?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02That's a presenter-chemistry monitor.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05It's indicating that our banter is warm and inclusive.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09AND informative.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11But lacking in fun.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Let's try and address that, Frankie.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Just go with me on this one.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I know exactly what you're going to say next.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18What am I going to say next?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Garibaldi.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Garibaldi?
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Ah-ha!
0:02:23 > 0:02:24That was a lot of fun.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It was terrific fun, wasn't it?
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Shall we see how it did?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32No, it's not reacting.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33No response at all.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36It's just like we're talking to a dead culture.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Never mind, we took a punt and it didn't land. It didn't land.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40So, back to the recipe.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44For the recipe you want to heat up a little olive oil,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46and add to that the garlic, the onions and the carrots.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47What about the peas, Frankie?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Just shut up about the peas.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- OK, I already have. - And you do those
0:02:51 > 0:02:54until the whole thing has been browned off.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Brassed Off was a movie.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Why would anybody say that?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01But I'm excited that you did.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04And then you can add the lamb, some seasoning,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and about half a litre of stock.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Stock, yeah. I notice you still haven't used the peas, Frankie.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10I like a man that speaks his mind.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11No, you hate people like that.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13(Shut your fucking mouth.)
0:03:13 > 0:03:14OK.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Will do.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17These peas, Frankie...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21You know what, Frankie, I just want to piss on them.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I can't let you do that, Bob.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25That would be fucking anomalous.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I hear you, bro. I hear you, bro.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Potatoes-wise, you want a very waxy potato, maybe a Desiree,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34and you want to slice that as thinly as you possibly can.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I see you're using a knife there, Frankie.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Could you, if you wanted, as an alternative,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41use a very hard, thin sheet of paper?
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Would that work?
0:03:42 > 0:03:47It would have to be a very thin, very hard piece of paper.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Yeah. No, that's what I'm thinking.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Well, I'd look into that,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54but for now I think I'll just use the knife.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Yeah, it just seems a little bit old-hat now.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01HE SHRIEKS AND CRIES Frankie....
0:04:01 > 0:04:03HE YELPS Frankie. Frankie!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Frankie, pull yourself together.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07What is it, Frankie? Is it the peas,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10or is it the thought that the knife might be on the brink of extinction?
0:04:10 > 0:04:11It's the peas.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13It's the peas, it's always the peas.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16ALARM BEEPS
0:04:16 > 0:04:17What does this mean?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19That's the final word, Frankie.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21The Fun Cookery Funny Kitchen Show
0:04:21 > 0:04:25has not delivered on any level of social-media response,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27and I'm afraid it's over.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28SIREN WAILS
0:04:28 > 0:04:30What did people want?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Me, naked, lowering my balls onto a Curly Wurly?!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35BING!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Yes. Yes!