0:00:03 > 0:00:07Vic was inspirational. There was no-one like her.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09If there's anything worse than spending Christmas
0:00:09 > 0:00:11with your own family, it is spending Christmas
0:00:11 > 0:00:13with somebody else's family.
0:00:13 > 0:00:18Her appeal is huge and that's what I think is so clever.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Our Christmas pudding is down there somewhere
0:00:21 > 0:00:23and you can be sure we shall dig till we get it.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27She was one of us and we wanted to have her as a friend.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Those aren't flat.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33LAUGHTER
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Flatter now.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38She's probably the best writer of a gag that I ever worked with.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Hello.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm looking for my friend...
0:00:43 > 0:00:46..Kimberley.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47I think we may have to wait a long time
0:00:47 > 0:00:49before another Victoria comes along.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Ta.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01I don't think there's anybody who can do what she did.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Oh, Victoria!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13How lucky I was to have worked with you
0:01:13 > 0:01:18and even luckier to have had you as a friend.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21You were such a huge part of Christmas for me.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Christmas really started when you had your Christmas parties
0:01:25 > 0:01:28and your house always looked so beautiful.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30It was like a Christmas card.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32It was a magical night.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Well, we're here tonight
0:01:40 > 0:01:43to celebrate all that was and is Victoria Wood
0:01:43 > 0:01:48and we thought we'd have a look at her wonderful Christmas specials.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Vic made several Christmas specials over the years
0:01:56 > 0:02:00but let's just hear what she had to say about it.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04What I don't understand about Christmas is why we carry on
0:02:04 > 0:02:08looking forward to it when we know what it's going to be like.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11It's like we never learn. If you drop a brick on your foot,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15you go, "Oh, bloody hell, that was painful. I won't do that again."
0:02:15 > 0:02:17But looking forward to Christmas is like dropping a brick
0:02:17 > 0:02:19on your foot one year then a few months later going,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"I'm looking forward to dropping a brick on my foot this year."
0:02:22 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I'm not talking about the Christmases we spend
0:02:26 > 0:02:28with little children. That's different.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I'm talking about the Christmases that we, as adults, feel obliged
0:02:30 > 0:02:34to spend with members of our own family, with our own parents.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37What is this invisible signal that goes out
0:02:37 > 0:02:41to normal, intelligent people in their 20s, 30s, 40s?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44This signal that says, "You must leave the place where you live,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47"where you have a life, where you have fun, where people respect you.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"You must leave that place.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"You must go back to the place where you spent
0:02:51 > 0:02:53"some of the most miserable years of your life..."
0:02:53 > 0:02:55LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:58"..where nobody takes you seriously, where the fact
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"that you have three business degrees counts for nothing,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03"where you'll be addressed as Chunky Chops throughout."
0:03:04 > 0:03:07But if there's anything worse than spending Christmas
0:03:07 > 0:03:09with your own family, it is spending Christmas
0:03:09 > 0:03:11with somebody else's family
0:03:11 > 0:03:14because then, not only will you be bored, miserable,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17irritable, tetchy, bloated - as you would be in your own home -
0:03:17 > 0:03:19you'll also be completely baffled.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"Oh, yes, we always sing A Little Donkey in eight-part harmony
0:03:22 > 0:03:23"in the garden at midnight."
0:03:23 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:28She's right about Christmas.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Spending it with your family is hard.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Spending it with other people's family even worse.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Yeah, absolutely right about Christmas.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Christmas is hectic, it's horrible.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I hate it! I'm with her on that.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I love Christmas. I absolutely love it!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I love everything about it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48It still feels magical to me, Christmas Eve.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I don't like Christmas,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53so I'm always quite Scroogy at Christmas,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55so I'm quite pleased to watch something
0:03:55 > 0:03:57that's not got tinsel in it.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59It was Christmas Eve in the Crescent
0:03:59 > 0:04:01All the children were in their pyjamas
0:04:01 > 0:04:03All the parents were snappy, tense and unhappy
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Except two who were in the Bahamas
0:04:05 > 0:04:07A child lay asleep in his bedroom
0:04:07 > 0:04:09He was horribly red-faced and porky
0:04:09 > 0:04:11He'd caused family rifts by requesting his gifts -
0:04:11 > 0:04:13a computer, ten quid and a Yorkie
0:04:13 > 0:04:15In the lounge sat his mother and father
0:04:15 > 0:04:17In not the most pleasant of humours
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Grandma was there, collapsed in a chair
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Having just overdosed on satsumas.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Please!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29It was cold in the lounge room that evening
0:04:29 > 0:04:31They'd had a gas fire but they'd lost it
0:04:31 > 0:04:33It was frozen and murky and so was the turkey
0:04:33 > 0:04:35They'd left it too late to defrost it
0:04:37 > 0:04:38The door of the lounge room burst open
0:04:38 > 0:04:41There was Santa Claus, reeking of liquor
0:04:41 > 0:04:43He said, "I'm 19 stone 2, I'd get stuck down the flue
0:04:43 > 0:04:45"I've come through the door cos it's quicker"
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"So, what do you fancy for Christmas?"
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Said Santa, all twinkly and merry
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"A fur coat or a bike, you can choose what you like
0:04:51 > 0:04:53"In the meantime, bung over the sherry"
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Well, they couldn't decide what they wanted
0:04:55 > 0:04:57A new car, a subscription to BUPA
0:04:57 > 0:04:59A pedestal mat? While they thought about that
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Father Christmas passed out in a stupor
0:05:01 > 0:05:04He was out of his brains, he was legless
0:05:04 > 0:05:06The late night and the sherry had wrecked him
0:05:06 > 0:05:08He lay on the floor till a quarter to four
0:05:08 > 0:05:10When some reindeer arrived to collect him
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Santa waved from the sleigh and said, "See you
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"Merry Christmas, and be of good cheer"
0:05:14 > 0:05:17As he rose from the Crescent, Mum said, "Where's our present?"
0:05:17 > 0:05:19He said, "Oh, sod it, I'll bring it next year."
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Well, I'd just like to say it's so lovely
0:05:23 > 0:05:25to be on the television at Christmas.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27It's such a special time of year.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30And I like to think of all those ladies standing in their kitchens,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33wearing the paper hats they put on when they were still in a good mood.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I like to think of all those gentlemen in their front rooms,
0:05:41 > 0:05:45edging their bottoms casually towards a plug-in air freshener...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:55..hoping that cinnamon and vanilla will get to grips
0:05:55 > 0:05:56with sprouts and stuffing.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:05:59 > 0:06:01It's such a special time of year, isn't it,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03when we can all gather round the television,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05exchanging that age-old Christmas greeting,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08"Don't bother, there's nothing on."
0:06:13 > 0:06:16No, the truth is Vic adored Christmas,
0:06:16 > 0:06:20so what a treat it was when she made that Christmas special
0:06:20 > 0:06:24in that wonderful series, As Seen On TV.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29But I have to say that ever since I saw this next sketch,
0:06:29 > 0:06:35I have never felt quite the same about a prawn cocktail.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41You know, I've scoured this store from top to bottom.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Can I find a side-winding
0:06:42 > 0:06:46thermal body belt? Can I buffalo!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Totally one of the most quotable sketches, line for line,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52that you will ever see.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53What did you want one for?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Excuse me, I think you'll find there's spam on that.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Everyone remembers that sketch because it is just,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03just zinger after zinger.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- That gippy kidney.- Flared up?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Ooh, I'll say it's like being continually poked.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Can you imagine that?- No.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13LAUGHTER
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Dr Brewster said if I don't keep it lagged for the winter,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I could be spending a penny every 20 minutes come March.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Can't they operate? - But I haven't time to go in!
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I'm on the phone night and day about that carpet. What's the soup, dear?
0:07:26 > 0:07:31- Country vegetable. - What country? Taiwan?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Is that steak?- I would doubt it.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Probably some poor beast that came a cropper at Becher's Brook.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42And I had a huge to-do and a hoo-ha at the hairdresser's.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- What about those Dublin prawns? - Never touch prawns.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Do you know, they hang around sewage outlet pipes,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49treading water with their mouths open?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:56They love it! So, anyway, I'm at Maison Renie's...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Aren't prawns an aphrodisiac? - Well, I wouldn't put it past them.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03So, I'm at Renie's, waiting to be shampooed,
0:08:03 > 0:08:07flicking through a Woman's Weekly. Lovely piece on Alma Cogan.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Sorry, what's the hold-up here, dear?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- We're waiting for fresh cauli. - Fresh?!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16We might as well wait for Maurice Chevalier.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It's stunning, it's stunning,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21cos it's just this side of not being quite wrong,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23but it is a bit wrong.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26So, I'm pulled into the cubicle...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Oh, this is ridiculous! Can I crash by? I'm a diabetic.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Anyway, in comes Renie.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- She must be getting on. - Well, this is the trouble, you see.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43She leans too far forward with a sponge roller,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45she topples out of her walking frame.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47And you really have to shout.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I don't particularly want the whole world knowing
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I'm not a natural conker.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Don't have the gateau.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Just saw her scratching her armpit with the cake slice.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02And Renie's very set in her ways, stylewise.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06I don't mind. I'm a great admirer of Phyllis Calvert, but...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08So, why hence the hoo-ha?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Well, I decided to go a shade mad,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14it being the smoked meat purveyors' buffet-and-mingle at the weekend.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Could we get by, please? We're not having a sweet.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Very wise with those hips!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- LAUGHTER - So...
0:09:21 > 0:09:25I said, "Skip the conker, Renie.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- "I'll have burnished beech nut and to heck with it."- Yeah.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Well, you know she's colour-blind
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- and they've only a gas mantle in the back.- Colour-blind?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34They can't tell red from blue.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37She once tottered into a brothel, thinking it was a police station.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Tea, coffee?- No.- She didn't! - Well, it's all right.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45One of the girls came out and helped her pump her tyres up.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Sorry, were you still waiting for something?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Yes, a small mineral water and an orange squash, please.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Water and squash back down the end by the trays. Tea, coffee?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56You've a look of Eva Braun, did you know?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05And so, from one canteen to another
0:10:05 > 0:10:10because, in 1998, this wonderful script dropped on my mat
0:10:10 > 0:10:14and the title on the front was Dinnerladies.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17What a great part she's written for me - Jean.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Not the easiest person to get on with.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Well, Dolly didn't think so.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Present for the bran tub. A CD of festive music.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Yes, where's my CD?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Oh, please tell me it's not Round The World With Nana Mouskouri!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37She's very tuneful for a Greek.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Whoever told her to take a crack at Paddy McGinty's Goat
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- did her no favours. - What have you brought us?
0:10:45 > 0:10:51Seasonal Smut And Festive Filth from the Allstar Bavarian Knee-Tremblers?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Nonstop Christmas Pop Party, Volume 3.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Mine's more classical.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Joy To The World, a specially recorded concert,
0:10:59 > 0:11:03with Kiri Te Kanawa, Bryn Terfel and Tommy Steele.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05What's he singing? Little White Bull?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Yes!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11When I say these decs are Big Willy's,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I mean they belong to Big Willy.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Big Willy in Packing, as you well knew.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20And if your idea of a sophisticated piece of humour is laughing
0:11:20 > 0:11:24at the word "willy", then I suggest you visit the Highlands of Scotland,
0:11:24 > 0:11:28which is liberally sprinkled with willies of all ages.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- Dolly.- What?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34You are digging a big pit for yourself
0:11:34 > 0:11:37and wallpapering it with willies. Now come out.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Well, if they're nicer than ours, I think we should keep them.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Have you got any of those little babies with wings on?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45They're called cherubs, you lame brain!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Well, there's a few things with wings on.- What?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Go on, then, Miss Health and Efficiency.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- What are we calling these? - Very funny, Sandra Smut.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Oh!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- They are winged...- Keep going.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:05 > 0:12:07They are winged members.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Members of what?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Members of Parliament?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Male members!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Stan.- I'll take them back to Packing.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Is there no bacon?- Bacon?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- Yeah, bacon. - Can you ask me that again?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Have you not got any bacon?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Have I NOT got any or have I got any?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Look, I'm not from the News Of The bloody World.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43I'm only trying to get myself a bit of pigging protein.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Bren, for the love of God, have you got any bacon?- Can you hang on?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- I'm just doing it now. - Are you short-staffed?
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- Yeah, Twink's off sick. Where's Jean, Dolly?- Still in the toilet.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53She's taking a long time.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55She's wearing a new all-in-one body shaper.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59It's a complicated gusset when you won't wear specs.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Oh, isn't the word "gusset" wonderful?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Dolly's body shaper with the gusset.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I hadn't used "gusset" for years
0:13:11 > 0:13:13until body shapers came in
0:13:13 > 0:13:16and then they were very, very much in vogue
0:13:16 > 0:13:20and with the long bloomers and things, you always had a gusset.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Take over for me, Dolly. My flaming crotch has popped again.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Never mind press studs. She could do with a few rivets.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35No, we loved each other really. We still do.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39And, of course, at the end of this episode,
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Victoria gets kissed under the mistletoe.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I always felt that she was a romantic at heart.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49What you doing for Christmas again?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I got these three Carry On films for eight quid.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54You don't get the boxes with them and there's a stripe
0:13:54 > 0:13:56down the side of the picture but...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Do you want to come to Scotland with me Christmas Eve?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00My mate's got a pub up there.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04We can drive up there after we've finished here. You want to do that?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Yeah, yeah, I would. I would like that.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Christmas episode is the one
0:14:08 > 0:14:11where Tony and Bren actually get together
0:14:11 > 0:14:14and finally kiss under the mistletoe, I think it was.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Apparently for Victoria, it was quite a big thing
0:14:17 > 0:14:21cos she'd never physically kissed somebody on television before,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23in front of the masses sort of thing,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25so it was quite a big thing for her.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I'm not asking you for some bet, Bren.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I wouldn't do that to you.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I just thought it was lovely.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I thought perhaps Vic wouldn't do it
0:14:47 > 0:14:53because she's not sentimental in her writing, but I thought it was...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55It would have been awful if she hadn't
0:14:55 > 0:14:57because people would have been so disappointed
0:14:57 > 0:15:01and I think it was the right way to end it. It was great.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Why we had to retake it 39 times, I don't know, but there you go.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Only joking.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11ANNE REID PLAYS HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Well, Victoria called me one day and asked me
0:15:22 > 0:15:27if I fancied doing a duet with her on the piano.
0:15:27 > 0:15:33I was very excited and a bit scared because she was a brilliant pianist.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37So, I went over to her house to practise and I said,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"Don't you shout at me if I go wrong,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43"because I can play the piano and I can talk,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45"but I can't do them at the same time."
0:15:45 > 0:15:48And she said, "It'll be fine."
0:15:49 > 0:15:50- IN POSH ACCENT:- Hello, viewers.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52This is Hillary and Valerie Mallory...
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- Bringing you melody, harmony... - And fun.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00So, where shall our 20 tuneful fingers take us first, Valerie?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Let's start with that old favourite Keyboard Kollywobbles.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Take it away, Bill. - One, two, one, two, three.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11THEY PLAY PIANO
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- IN REGIONAL ACCENTS: Can you smell something?- Eh?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- Can you smell something?- What?
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Body odour.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- Not me. I had a bath in the digs before I came out.- I noticed.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- Why you can't swill it out.. - La, la, la, la....
0:16:40 > 0:16:43IN POSH ACCENT: Do join in, everybody.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- IN REGIONAL ACCENTS: Ooh, I got it again then.- What?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49That smell.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Is it drains?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- Trains?- Drains.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56You want to wear smaller earrings, you might hear something.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59If you didn't play so loud, I might hear better.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02If you did a bit more down your end, I wouldn't need to.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- What do you mean? At least I keep time.- Keep time?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07You could train a baboon to do what you do.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Well done, everybody.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Oh, God, I think it's me.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- What?- That smell.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19That'll teach me to buy deodorant at the door.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- It's the hot lights bringing it out. - I'm getting it now.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26We're having no dry cleaning done till Friday. Keep your arms down.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- What about my big finish? - What about it?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Well, I'll have to lift up.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Oh, I'll do it. I've done every other beggaring thing in this act.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Oh, yeah? And what was I doing till three o'clock this morning?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- I dread to think.- Ironing.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Now!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Mind my bust!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54IN POSH ACCENTS: Thank you so much.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56And so, from Hillary and Valerie Mallory...
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- A very good night to you all. Good night.- Good night.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07She called that piece Kollywobbles.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11It was in the Christmas special All The Trimmings
0:18:11 > 0:18:13and in that, she got to work
0:18:13 > 0:18:18with some of Britain's best-loved and most famous actors.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22More, at least, they got to work with her.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Do you like Roger the Dodger
0:18:29 > 0:18:31or do you prefer Minnie the Minx?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35That brilliant thing she did with Roger Moore as the spy,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37going on the London Eye.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42It was just... And he loved every second of that, absolutely loved it.
0:18:42 > 0:18:48And it was a supreme honour to be asked to be part of it
0:18:48 > 0:18:51and you'd do anything to be in one of those sketches.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You'd feel you were immortalised forever.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56You'd made it, you were someone to know.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I was brought up in Rotherhithe...
0:18:59 > 0:19:02..seven of us in a damp cellar.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03My mother took in mending.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06I never saw her without a mouthful of pins.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09TB and a mouthful of pins.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11One day, she had a fit of coughing
0:19:11 > 0:19:14and stapled two of us to the curtains.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I'm having a little difficulty in a certain area.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22You know our friend, of course.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oh, that's Dennis the Menace.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34I'll pay your bus fare...of course.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40It would be a little pointless leaving without this,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42don't you think?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Sometimes I wish I were 15 years younger.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50And sometimes I wish I were ten years older,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53then I could go to the flicks for two quid.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:58You can get off here but, at this height,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00it might be a little painful.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Why don't you...
0:20:03 > 0:20:07..come and we'll while away a few of those 15 years?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- IN BROAD REGIONAL ACCENT: - Can I just warn you, Rog,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- I've got really complicated pants on?- I see.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- These are very good. Did you make them, Del?- Mm-hmm.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Little tip.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Whip them out a couple of minutes earlier.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Can you taste they've slightly gone over?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35LAUGHTER
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Could you, Karen, explained to Bo what our new project is?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41OK, well, the Gravy Train is basically Delia
0:20:41 > 0:20:44going from town to town on a steam train
0:20:44 > 0:20:47so, basically, you would tell us your signature dish,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49we'd sort out all the ingredients and everything.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52You'd just have to turn up on the day and teach it to Delia.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56All we need to know from you, Bo, is what is your signature dish?
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- Mm, which shall we reveal, Wendy? - Hmm...
0:21:00 > 0:21:02The mince timbale?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Fish finger surprise?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Crackermole. - TOGETHER: Crackermole!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Everybody wanted to be in anything Vic did,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14especially her Christmas specials. Yes, everyone did want to be in them
0:21:14 > 0:21:19and it was considered like a prize to be in it, you know.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Good on your CV.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Well, who wouldn't want to be in a sketch written by Victoria Wood?
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Hello?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Are you thick or are you not thick? - Are you talking to me?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- No, she's talking to me. I'm thick.- Oh.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I think she just thought it was fun to work with people she admired.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Maybe I looked insincere but, underneath it,
0:21:46 > 0:21:47I was totally sincere.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Although, maybe underneath that,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I was insincere.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53I've got to go.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:59And, as a consequence of the events of which I speak,
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I shall be in no position
0:22:00 > 0:22:02to marry for ten...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06..1-0 years...
0:22:07 > 0:22:09..and, thus, I am releasing you
0:22:09 > 0:22:12from any understanding which we may have had.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16With the regards on which you may depend,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20George Fallon, Captain, 8th Dragoon Guards,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Battle of Waterloo.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24How about, "PS, ta for the socks"?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I was thrilled to be asked to be in a couple of sketches
0:22:29 > 0:22:34for her Christmas show and, again, it's that thing
0:22:34 > 0:22:38where, if you've been a fan of something
0:22:38 > 0:22:42and then you are actually in the world of it
0:22:42 > 0:22:45and you work with the people that you've so admired, you feel
0:22:45 > 0:22:48as if you've gone through the fourth wall, essentially.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51And I felt that I hadn't really earned my place to be there
0:22:51 > 0:22:53because she'd worked with the same, essentially,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56repertory group of actors right from the beginning.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59So, it did feel slightly as though...
0:23:00 > 0:23:02..I didn't have the right to be there
0:23:02 > 0:23:05but, yeah, I'm glad that I was.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- TV:- Last week, on WI.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I'm sorry, the answer is no.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Why? Why can't I join the Women's Institute?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Is it because I'm a man?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You were let down by your rhubarb and ginger preserve.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- It was too runny to stay on the scone.- Dammit!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Guthrie!
0:23:22 > 0:23:23That's it.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Either you girls use the liquid soap in the toilets more sparingly
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- or you provide your own. - I see. And what if we don't?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Then no jumble sale.- You've made your position clear, Bernard.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Oh, and Mavis...
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Yes?
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- Your skirt's up your knickers. - I appreciate your honesty.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- Urr!- Oh, my God!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Mavis...
0:23:48 > 0:23:51now can I join?
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Victoria's spoofs were absolutely brilliant.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09She covered everything, from classic films to Pathe News.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- NEWS REEL:- Bombed out but not downhearted,
0:24:11 > 0:24:15the Cockneys of the East End are taking it all in good part.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18The Lambeth Walk may not be quite so easy to do
0:24:18 > 0:24:20when it's on the rubble of what, yesterday, was your home
0:24:20 > 0:24:24but, blitz or no blitz, it's Christmas as usual.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28AIR RAID SIREN
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Our Christmas pudding is down there somewhere
0:24:31 > 0:24:33and you can be sure we shall dig till we get it.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37And if I find my husband as well, that's all to the good.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39How about you, Mum?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Is Hitler's nightly bombardment getting you down?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44No, the blackout, rationing
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and being in daily danger of death have been a real tonic to me.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Never mind your pearly queens and your ships to Margate,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54we're enjoying the bombing, thanks.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56So, take note, Adolf,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58these salt-of-the-earth, working-class folk
0:24:58 > 0:25:00are totally dispensable to the British government
0:25:00 > 0:25:02and, what's more, there's lots of them.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I could just fancy one of those in my cocoa.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Fancy is as fancy does and I'll thank you
0:25:15 > 0:25:18to keep your hands off my light refreshments, Joe Buggersthorpe.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- There is a war on, you know. - If you keep one of those hot for me,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I'll keep something hot for you, ha-ha.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Silly idea, Joe Buggersthorpe. I might and I might not.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29When Michael Parkinson played Stanley Holloway
0:25:29 > 0:25:31as the stationmaster
0:25:31 > 0:25:35and Vic and I had this marvellous scene
0:25:35 > 0:25:38in the cafe in Brief Encounter,
0:25:38 > 0:25:42we both tried to look younger and, cor blimey,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Vic looked like a Hollywood film star, she really did.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- VOICEOVER:- It was so silly the way it started.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I'd gone into Wilberton as usual on a Thursday
0:25:50 > 0:25:53to change my library book and order a coconut and I'd just popped
0:25:53 > 0:25:56in to the refreshment room at Cranningly Junction
0:25:56 > 0:25:58when Dolly Anscott invited me to share a mince pie.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I'm frightfully lucky. I've got a mince pie. Want to go halves?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- No, thanks.- Oh, go on. I can't be such a hog as to have a whole one.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- Will you have them again? - I couldn't say, I'm sure.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Ask me no questions and you'll be told no lies.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Well, it is nearly Christmas.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I say, this pastry's awfully tough.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- VOICEOVER:- Then I don't know how it happened.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20It's so long since I'd had a mince pie,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I suppose I'd forgotten how to eat it.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Somehow I missed my mouth altogether and put it straight in my eye.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Ow!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- What's the matter?- No, really. - Oh, dear, what a nuisance.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Perhaps I could just have some water.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Do you have any water, woman behind the counter?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36That's for me to know and you to find out.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- There's a war on, if you haven't noticed.- This is ridiculous.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- Shall I hit you over the head with a cup?- No, really.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- Good thump with a basin, that's my tip.- Do you have one?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- BELL RINGS - Oh, cripes, how maddening!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- My train leaves in a moment. - No, you must go.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I can't miss it. I'm expecting a kipper.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56No, do go, Dolly, I shall be quite all right.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- Scrooge? - Oh, Bob, are you lacking a fire
0:27:00 > 0:27:03that you don hat and muffler indoors?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- It's a look.- Bob!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Come back to the table, Bob.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Lord knows, you spend little enough time
0:27:09 > 0:27:11away from that skinflint Scrooge.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- Oh, I do beg your pardon. - No, it is I who must beg yours.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Will you accept this?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- What is it? - The biggest turkey in the shop.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Oh, I couldn't see what it was.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26It looked like a sort of modern sculpture.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- Cook! Cook!- COOK:- I'm busy.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33See, cook! Cook, the biggest turkey in the poulterer's!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Now Tiny Tim will be well again.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Is it defrosted?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Well...
0:27:41 > 0:27:44You see, the trouble is, people buy these huge beautiful great turkeys
0:27:44 > 0:27:47and they bring them home and it's all at the last minute
0:27:47 > 0:27:48and they haven't got time to get them
0:27:48 > 0:27:50defrosted adequately or thoroughly.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53I mean, I think often the best bit...
0:27:55 > 0:28:00Vic's parodies even extended to much-loved dramas, like this one...
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Have you considered further my proposal?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08It is not practical, Charles.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10I am attracted to you but it takes 20 minutes
0:28:10 > 0:28:14to take my corsets off and 35 minutes to get them back on.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I can only close the post office for an hour. You do the math.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22- And will you continue to handle my potatoes?- Of course.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24LAUGHTER
0:28:27 > 0:28:29- KNOCKING ON DOOR - Hang on!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34LAUGHTER
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Ah, Lord Cranborne.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41The matter we discussed previously, regarding ladies' netherwear
0:28:41 > 0:28:42and time taken in removal...
0:28:42 > 0:28:46- I'm not sure if I recall...- Corsets.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48- The blacksmith has come up with a gadget...- Really?
0:28:48 > 0:28:52..that will make it much quicker for the dog to see the euphemism.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Ah, I'm afraid my circumstances now
0:28:55 > 0:28:57are such that I really have no great desire to see your euphemism.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Might I know what has altered your circumstances?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03We just clicked.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06I should have said something, but I was waiting to see how it went.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10I see. Do you want to see how the corset works, just for info?
0:29:10 > 0:29:13No fear! I was saying to Lord C here,
0:29:13 > 0:29:16I delivered a telegram once and the woman was naked.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19It was like a go-slow in a blancmange factory.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21I was sleeping with the light on for weeks.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26- I'll see myself out. - LAUGHTER
0:29:26 > 0:29:29It's perfect that Victoria sort of ended up claiming
0:29:29 > 0:29:32such a big part of people's Christmases
0:29:32 > 0:29:34because it clearly is,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37a lot of it is born out of the bad telly that you get at Christmas
0:29:37 > 0:29:40that Victoria will have sat down and enjoyed,
0:29:40 > 0:29:44probably, at every festive season.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47How many times have we prayed to God for something
0:29:47 > 0:29:50and he hasn't given it to us?
0:29:50 > 0:29:52What do we do? We blame ourselves.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Oh, we weren't good enough. I didn't deserve it.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Or we blame God.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59He's let us down.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02I got there that day and she went, "Do you want to do it then?"
0:30:02 > 0:30:04And I said, "OK."
0:30:04 > 0:30:07I'd learnt it, obviously, and I did try to do it the best I could do it
0:30:07 > 0:30:09but all you want to do is please her cos I thought,
0:30:09 > 0:30:13"I think I know how the rhythm of this should be.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15"It's a Victoria Wood monologue,"
0:30:15 > 0:30:16but there is that in your mind,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19but then there's also physically doing it in front of Victoria Wood,
0:30:19 > 0:30:21which was another thing again.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24It was my birthday the other day
0:30:24 > 0:30:26and, as you do when you're in a relationship,
0:30:26 > 0:30:28I dropped hints with my partner
0:30:28 > 0:30:30about what I would like for a present.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33In fact, I told him what I wanted, which is what we do with God,
0:30:33 > 0:30:36isn't it? We tell him what we want.
0:30:36 > 0:30:42So, I told my partner, Eric, that I would like an espresso machine...
0:30:43 > 0:30:45..because I love my espresso.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49And, come the great day, there was a big parcel waiting for me
0:30:49 > 0:30:51and I thought, "That's a very big espresso machine."
0:30:51 > 0:30:54And I opened it and it was two...
0:30:55 > 0:31:00..imitation leather outdoor beanbags.
0:31:01 > 0:31:06And I was disappointed because Eric had known what I wanted
0:31:06 > 0:31:08and he hadn't given it to me.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Very nice beanbags, but I didn't want beanbags.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13I wanted an espresso machine.
0:31:13 > 0:31:18And he could see I was disappointed and he said to me, "Bobby..."
0:31:19 > 0:31:21..which is what he calls me,
0:31:21 > 0:31:24"I didn't give you the espresso machine
0:31:24 > 0:31:27"because you have high blood pressure, you drink too much coffee.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29"I gave you the outdoor beanbags
0:31:29 > 0:31:32"so we could sit in the garden together in the evening,
0:31:32 > 0:31:34"hold hands and chill out.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38"Chillax. Because I love you."
0:31:39 > 0:31:41And that's what God does.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44He doesn't give us what we want - the espresso machine.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48He gives us what we need - the outdoor beanbags,
0:31:48 > 0:31:50because he loves us.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54He loves us and he wants us to chillax.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00LAUGHTER
0:32:00 > 0:32:03CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS
0:32:05 > 0:32:07LAUGHTER
0:32:07 > 0:32:08What a brilliant thing,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11to have gone from being a huge fan of somebody
0:32:11 > 0:32:13to being asked to work with them
0:32:13 > 0:32:18and to have been given a script by her and a monologue as well.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21I think Reece did a brilliant job.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27Isn't it great we've got all her shows to look at?
0:32:27 > 0:32:31She's going to keep us laughing for a very long time.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33And, as I said at the beginning,
0:32:33 > 0:32:37I was so lucky that Victoria was my friend, so lucky.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Happy Christmas.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43VICTORIA PLAYS PIANO
0:32:43 > 0:32:47Victoria Wood With All The Trimmings was just wonderful.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49It's still shown to this day
0:32:49 > 0:32:51and she involved me and three of my sisters
0:32:51 > 0:32:54as the Christmas Robbins. Get it?
0:32:54 > 0:32:58# Let's join in the magic of Christmas make-believe
0:32:58 > 0:33:03# Who do we all want to see on Christmas Eve...? #
0:33:03 > 0:33:06In the story of the programme, Victoria is looking
0:33:06 > 0:33:09for some robins for a Christmas show so she says,
0:33:09 > 0:33:12"Oh, get Kate and Ted along and then the siblings."
0:33:12 > 0:33:14And there we are, all the Robbins,
0:33:14 > 0:33:16doing these jolly little Christmas dances.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19# We'll gather round to the festive sound
0:33:19 > 0:33:21# Of the carols of a distant choir... #
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Oh, it was such a laugh and, of course, she ended up
0:33:24 > 0:33:28doing the big Ann Widdecombe song at the end.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30# Ann Widdecombe, Ann Widdecombe
0:33:30 > 0:33:33# That's who we want to see, we agree
0:33:33 > 0:33:35- # Not Santa Claus - Not Zoe Ball
0:33:35 > 0:33:39# Not William Hague
0:33:39 > 0:33:42- # He's too vague - He is quite vague... #
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Well, she did what I think no other comedian would ever have done
0:33:45 > 0:33:49and she actually rang me up and asked me if I minded.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52Um, that's very much Victoria.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56I mean, she did take note of other people's feelings.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59I had no idea what was going to be in the sketch but she gave me
0:33:59 > 0:34:02a brief outline, particularly the bit about coming out of the box
0:34:02 > 0:34:03and all the rest of it.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05And I said, "Yes, that was absolutely fine."
0:34:05 > 0:34:08# Who's the girl who gets so giddy?
0:34:08 > 0:34:11# Eyes so blue and shoes so diddy
0:34:11 > 0:34:13# Who's our favourite Tory biddy...? #
0:34:13 > 0:34:17And no wonder she chose me. I mean, biddy, diddy, Widdy.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21The name just lends itself to umpteen comic rhymes.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24# Give me A, N, N and E
0:34:24 > 0:34:27# W, I and double D
0:34:27 > 0:34:34# E, C, O, M, B, E spells Widdecombe
0:34:35 > 0:34:40# By day, I'm the Shadow Home Secretary
0:34:40 > 0:34:45# But, hey, deep down you know there's so much more to me
0:34:45 > 0:34:48# I'm Widdecombe, Ann Widdecombe
0:34:48 > 0:34:51# I sing, I dance, I lean to the right
0:34:51 > 0:34:53# I'm truculent, I'm succulent
0:34:53 > 0:34:57# I am a star... #
0:34:57 > 0:35:01I thought it was ultra considerate that Victoria rang me up. It's...
0:35:01 > 0:35:04And I think that I say this truthfully,
0:35:04 > 0:35:07I'm pretty certain it's unique in my experience.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10I don't think, as far as I can recollect,
0:35:10 > 0:35:12that I've ever had prior warning before
0:35:12 > 0:35:15about a major sketch from a comedian.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17# As we raise a toast, what will we roast
0:35:17 > 0:35:20# On the embers of the open fire?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23# Ann Widdecombe, Ann Widdecombe
0:35:23 > 0:35:25# I'm like the suits I wear
0:35:25 > 0:35:28# Unsquashable but washable
0:35:28 > 0:35:33- # I can't relax - Oh, no, she can't relax, can't relax
0:35:33 > 0:35:35- # When in slacks - Or Pac-a-macs... #
0:35:35 > 0:35:38I have no idea what would have happened if I'd said,
0:35:38 > 0:35:40"Yes, I jolly well do mind and no, you can't do it."
0:35:40 > 0:35:42I suspect she would have done it anyway.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44# As the children dream of a reindeer team
0:35:44 > 0:35:47# And a figure in a coat of red
0:35:47 > 0:35:49# Dare we divulge what is that bulge
0:35:49 > 0:35:52# At the bottom of the children's bed?
0:35:52 > 0:35:55# It's Widdecombe, Ann Widdecombe
0:35:55 > 0:35:58# I'm firm but fair and cool as a rule
0:35:58 > 0:36:00# My nuttiness, my battiness
0:36:00 > 0:36:05- # Men can't resist - Men can't resist, can't resist... #
0:36:05 > 0:36:06Is she pissed?
0:36:06 > 0:36:08# She's round the twist... #
0:36:08 > 0:36:12The only regret I had was that she invited me along to the show
0:36:12 > 0:36:14and I thought, "No."
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I was Shadow Home Secretary at the time,
0:36:17 > 0:36:21therefore I was engaged in an awful lot of serious stuff
0:36:21 > 0:36:23and I thought if I'm sitting there in the audience
0:36:23 > 0:36:26and there are cameras panning and there's all this mockery
0:36:26 > 0:36:30going on on the stage, it may not be quite such a good idea.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33# As the snowflakes fall and the neighbours call
0:36:33 > 0:36:36# Like the Christmases in days of yore
0:36:36 > 0:36:39# As they ring our bell what will they smell
0:36:39 > 0:36:41# Coming through the open doors?
0:36:41 > 0:36:43# Ann Widdecombe, Ann Widdecombe
0:36:43 > 0:36:46- # I'm woman through and through - This is true
0:36:46 > 0:36:49- # Exuberant - Protuberant
0:36:49 > 0:36:53# I inspire lust
0:36:53 > 0:36:55# With my bust
0:36:55 > 0:36:56# I'm not that fussed... #
0:36:56 > 0:37:01I love the fact, first of all, that it's a big showbiz number
0:37:01 > 0:37:03because I think that really suits
0:37:03 > 0:37:06the way that she's played Ann Widdecombe
0:37:06 > 0:37:09and, you know, she had every opportunity, Victoria,
0:37:09 > 0:37:13to go down the route of really having a go at Ann Widdecombe
0:37:13 > 0:37:15and making it political,
0:37:15 > 0:37:17which is exactly what I would have done,
0:37:17 > 0:37:19but she hasn't done that
0:37:19 > 0:37:21and, in many ways, I think it's better for it.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23# We'll start the lunch
0:37:23 > 0:37:26# And we'll serve hot punch
0:37:26 > 0:37:29# To the singers in the snowy drive
0:37:29 > 0:37:34# And who's not chuffed to be plucked and stuffed
0:37:34 > 0:37:37# And done at gas mark 5?
0:37:37 > 0:37:40# Ann Widdecombe
0:37:40 > 0:37:42# The people's chum
0:37:42 > 0:37:46# The bells of Christmas ring Ding-a-ding
0:37:46 > 0:37:47# Implacable
0:37:47 > 0:37:49# Unsackable... #
0:37:49 > 0:37:52THEY SING OVER EACH OTHER
0:37:55 > 0:37:59# Do, re, do, re, mi
0:37:59 > 0:38:02# So, fa
0:38:02 > 0:38:04# So, fa
0:38:04 > 0:38:06# Do, re, mi
0:38:06 > 0:38:17# So, faaaa. #
0:38:17 > 0:38:19Ta.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51- What do you reckon?- Don't know.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53I don't really watch telly at Christmas.