0:00:03 > 0:00:06I've never met or worked with anyone
0:00:06 > 0:00:08that's remotely like Victoria.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11I'd taken a book on pregnancy and I checked the symptoms - moody,
0:00:11 > 0:00:13irrational, big bosoms.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15I've been pregnant for 20 years, according to this.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17I think she was pretty much a one-off.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Can you imagine having sex with Mrs Kennedy?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I bet she'd make you write it all up after and list your equipment.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25That's the one thing about Victoria
0:00:25 > 0:00:29is her warmth and kindness and funniness.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- So...- So, how do we go about it?
0:00:31 > 0:00:34I'm sorry, could you just move away? Your breath smells.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37It's a gift. It's a gift.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39She was born with it, I believe.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Has he got over the divorce?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I think so.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44His wife got custody of the stereo and they sold the children.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49She was just really, really funny.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Not just a funny woman, but just a funny person.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54SHE COUGHS
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Eurgh! It's all over the cauliflower.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00She will go on being loved, I think, for generations.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11It was actually Julie Walters who introduced me to Victoria.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Julie and I had just done a film together during which I confessed my
0:01:14 > 0:01:18undying love for both Victoria and her sketch show, As Seen On TV.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20The moment we met, we got on instantly.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22She was an absolute joy to be with.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Sometimes we would just meet up to watch grannies
0:01:24 > 0:01:28tottering around St Martin-in-the-Fields.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32I never encountered someone with so many talents,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35seemingly able to turn her hand to everything and anything.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37So it's an honour to be asked to present this programme.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41A celebration of the finest work of our friend Victoria.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Whenever we were together, we just had fun, every time.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49But it was the characters she created that really made me smile.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53So I want to take a look at Vic's take on people,
0:01:53 > 0:01:57because whether they were Northern, Southern, posh, middle-class
0:01:57 > 0:02:00or working class, Vic had a laugh with everyone.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I was just thinking about British people the other day.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I was thinking, there could never be a revolution in this country.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Like, if we'd had the Ceausescus,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13there's no way we would have taken them out and executed them.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16We'd have written funny letters to Points Of View about them.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It's just so odd in this country. We don't like to be comfortable.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22We like to be miserable, don't we, in this country?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Give British people a nice green, flowery meadow to have a picnic in,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27they won't. They'll drive past it for three hours on the motorway,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30trying to get to a Julie's Pantry.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31It's like car-boot sales.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Give British people a nice car, they won't drive around in it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36They'll stand next to it in the school playground in the rain,
0:02:36 > 0:02:40trying to flog an old roller blind and a jigsaw out of the back.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Because we don't like to be happy, because we don't like it, do we?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Like, if there's a heaven, which I doubt, because I think
0:02:46 > 0:02:49the people from hell have probably bought it for a time-share...
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- LAUGHTER - ..but if...
0:02:51 > 0:02:53APPLAUSE
0:02:57 > 0:02:59If there's a heaven, you'd find people from all over the world
0:02:59 > 0:03:02rejoicing and singing and praising God.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05All the British people will be in a little huddle in a corner
0:03:05 > 0:03:08by the wall, going, "I'm sorry, it's just not good enough.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13"Where's St Peter? It looks nothing like the brochure..."
0:03:13 > 0:03:16She could make fun of everyone equally.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19And you still love her for it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22That was the thing, you never felt like, 'Oh, she's talking about me.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23'She's making fun of me.'
0:03:23 > 0:03:26She was making fun of everyone. She was making fun of us.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28We were all sort of in it together, and it was...
0:03:28 > 0:03:32It was just like... She made it inclusive rather than exclusive,
0:03:32 > 0:03:33and it was really nice.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:03:43 > 0:03:46'Ello.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47I'm looking for me friend.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48LAUGHTER
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Kimberley.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Have you seen her?
0:04:04 > 0:04:08She's got right dangly earrings with sausages on them.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Only they're not in her ears.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12SHE MOUTHS
0:04:15 > 0:04:17We're having a great day out around town today.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19We've done the lot. Tried shoes on, had salad.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24It's our day off from the supermarket, you know?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Cheap Save. We both work there.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Kimberley chops meat.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I'm on pricing.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I... Mrs Gupta on our till...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36She gets a red cabbage un-priced.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38She goes, "Red cabbage, how much?!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:39LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:45And I go, "Red cabbage, no idea!"
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Quite a responsibility.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56She's nice, Mrs Gupta.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58She comes from... Oh, where is it? It's got a really funny name.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00It's a right long way away.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Kidderminster. That's it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07It might seem really over the top, but actually, yeah,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09there were people like that. So, and...
0:05:09 > 0:05:15It wouldn't be funny if there wasn't a sort of grain of truth in it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18And... You always think, 'Oh, characters, they're too...'
0:05:18 > 0:05:21you know, they're massively over the top, but actually there's...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24People are much more weird in real life.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27But you can't miss Kimberley because she's really, really tall.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30She's usually got bits of ceiling stuck in her hair.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And she's got a right interesting hairdo,
0:05:33 > 0:05:37because we had it done this morning, we went to this really trendy salon.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Kimberley had a spiral perm and a Mohican.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40And I had my beret trimmed.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Then we went to this really great boutique,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46we tried loads of things on,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49but Kimberley is, like, really, really enormous,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51so she had to buy the only thing that fitted.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56It's not everybody that suits a cubicle.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58She hasn't got it on now, though, she's left it.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59She's having the doors taken up.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I feel like she jots down human experience
0:06:03 > 0:06:07throughout her work and she's like one of those seaside...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09you know the people who draw people down by the seaside?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13And the sketch artist down by the seaside will take a little bit of
0:06:13 > 0:06:18something from someone and they're able to work out exactly what it is
0:06:18 > 0:06:20about you that's your defining feature.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27I can remember when pants were pants.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33You wore them for 20 years and you cut them down for pan scrubs.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Or quilts.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45We used to make lovely quilts out of Celanese bloomers.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Every gusset a memory.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Not bras, though, they won't lie flat, you see.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54We didn't wear bras until after the war round here.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56We stayed in and polished the lino.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00We weren't having hysterectomies every two minutes either,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02like the girls these days. If something went wrong down below,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04you kept your gob shut and turned up the wireless.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:09She was Northern and she traded on it, of course she did,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11because she wrote what she knew,
0:07:11 > 0:07:16and she wrote it with an insight that very few people had.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Anyway, so, I'm stretched out in my new swimming costume, right.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Cut up here, cut down here, keyhole.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26And I'm boiling hot and the light's burning me eyes,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28and me mam comes up and says, "Kelly-Marie Tunstall,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31"will you switch that cooker off and get off that ironing board?"
0:07:31 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- She didn't.- She did. And we're having our tea, right.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Pommes Lyonnaise and spam nuggets... And she said,
0:07:40 > 0:07:45"You better know, I'm running away with a nuclear physicist.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"And if you look behind the clock you'll find 15 quid
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- "and a bag of oven chips." - She didn't.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51She did. And she said, "And when your dad tries to find them,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"tell him not to, because I'm changing my name,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56"cutting my hair and laughing on the other side of my face."
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- She didn't.- She did. And she laughed like this...
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I said, "I hope that's not hereditary,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"because it hurts your eyeballs."
0:08:04 > 0:08:05She said, "Well, actually, you're adopted.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07"You were left on my doorstep,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09"wrapped in the business section of the Sunday Times."
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- You weren't.- I was. And it's right embarrassing when you're 14.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15She loved watching people
0:08:15 > 0:08:18and listening to them, and listening to their conversations.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20She had a little book that she'd get out and if she...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22So, you know, if she heard something that was...
0:08:22 > 0:08:25She thought was hilarious, it would go down in the book, you know,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27and often be used in some form or other.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Anyway, so, I says, "You can walk me home,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32"but you're not pressing me up against the doorbell."
0:08:32 > 0:08:36So he puts down his banana fritter, he says,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"Kelly-Marie Tunstall,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40"just because I have tattoos and a hairy navel button
0:08:40 > 0:08:44"does not mean I do not have the instincts of an English gentleman.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"Please believe me when I say I will be happy to escort you
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"to your abode of residence, asking nothing in return
0:08:49 > 0:08:50"but the chance of seeing you again."
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- He didn't.- No, he didn't.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:56He caught his bus and I had to pay for my own lychees.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01She saw the best in people in her writing.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05And she saw the things that appealed to her,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09and they may have been horrible people, I don't know,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12but she wrote the funny things down about them.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Vic was a great observer of people, always had been,
0:09:19 > 0:09:23but she would be the first to laugh at herself and her Northern roots.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28And although her humour was warm, it often came with a few barbs.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Sickening, bloody sickening.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- I beg your pardon. - Southern parasites,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39licking the fat of the land while the North lies dying.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Close the conservatory door, lad.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44There's bones inside.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Nice tree.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- Are you from the North?- Yeah.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52I can tell. There's a pain behind the eyes.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55A sob in the voice.
0:09:55 > 0:10:01I never marched from Jarrow, but those men's feet ache in my heart.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03What are you getting for Christmas?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05What's any Northerner getting?
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Misery. Hopelessness.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12An empty selection box and a rotten orange.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15She was having a good go at professional Northerners
0:10:15 > 0:10:21who actually live in London but... But who trumpet their Northern-ness
0:10:21 > 0:10:26loudly and vociferously and angrily.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30And it was... I loved it when I recognised it straight away.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32OK. I write plays.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33But do you know what I write them for?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- The money?- People.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39The dockers, the railwaymen, the North.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I love it, I love it.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I feel passionately about it.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47They're choking it to death and I'm saying, "Rage!
0:10:47 > 0:10:51"Rage against the dying of the light!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53"Because they're killing it.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56"They're letting it die.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"My North."
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Whereabouts do you live?
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Chiswick.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Vic was a walking thesaurus.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11She could pluck phrases out of the air and make them sound funny.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Even a single word sounded like a well-crafted joke in Vic's hands.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17My favourite example of this is trolley.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Such a simple word, and yet it delivered so much comedy.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Oh, those figures sound very promising, Tim.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26- How's Plymouth looking?- Plymouth?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Either way, Alan, either way.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32It's on hold. I feel, personally, Plymouth could be another Exeter.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- That's interesting.- I'm very much keeping an ear to the ground with
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- Plymouth.- I think what the regional boys tend to forget...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Tim.- Alan.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Just coffee, thank you.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44..yeah, the regional boys...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Yes, just coffee for me too, please.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Regional boys?
0:11:49 > 0:11:55..is that we have to consider the Isle of Wight as well.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Two coffees, yes? - Coffees what?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59- What?- Have you seen it?
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- Um...- Have you seen it on the trolley?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Just two coffees, no sweet.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Just two coffees, no sweet?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08That's it. What was I...
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- The Isle of Wight.- Have you seen it on the trolley?- No.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Yes, thank you.- Is it a sorbet?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Just two coffees, thank you.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Now, Plymouth.- Can you point at it?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25No, we don't want anything on the trolley.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh, anything on the trolley.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29No, just take the trolley away, dear.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Thank you. And we'll just have coffee, thank you.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35One of the sketches I love the most is the trolley sketch.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40I think it's because what Vic does is highlight the clash of classes
0:12:40 > 0:12:44so brilliantly. You've got the two pompous business types
0:12:44 > 0:12:47who then have to deal with the lovely Northern waitress
0:12:47 > 0:12:50who's only interested in her trolley.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I must give you the printout from Expo,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54it came out pretty much as you predicted.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Yes, so I believe.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58They're good casters, aren't they?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I've been right over to cutlery.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05We have a lot to discuss.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06We don't want any pudding.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08You don't want any pudding?
0:13:08 > 0:13:09- Right.- But you're having a sweet.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Uh, no.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15We just want the old cafe.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- Coffee.- I'll handle this, Tim, thanks very much.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Coffee?- Coffee.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24- Is it on the trolley?- I asked you to take the trolley away.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- I did do.- Then you brought it back.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Then I brought it back.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Now take it away.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- Take it away what?- The trolley.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33The trolley. Take it away, the trolley.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- And don't bring it back. - What, the trolley?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Well, that sorted that out anyway, Alan.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Yes, well, just don't butt in next time, OK?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46She did cover the spectrum of class and she...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48And she was equal,
0:13:48 > 0:13:52even-handed in terms of having a pop at everything and everybody.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56But generally I think it was snobbery that she was finding,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59even within those different class
0:13:59 > 0:14:03strata, that she would find something that was...
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Where the comedy would come out of just noting...
0:14:07 > 0:14:12Often the very, very minute shift in somebody feeling superior
0:14:12 > 0:14:14to another person.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17By God.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20If her bum were a bungalow, she'd never get a mortgage on it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24She's let it drop.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25I'll say.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Never mind knickers, she needs a safety net.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31She wants to do that Jane Fonda.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- That what?- That exercise thing, nemobics.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36What's that?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Our next door does it, we can hear it through the grate.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42You have to clench those buttocks.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Do you?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46She'll never get hers clenched.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50It would take two big lads and a wheelbarrow.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I mean, that is really true to life, I know it's sort of...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Well, it's ridiculous, isn't it?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01That they're sat there with their bikinis over their tops, but...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03They do exist, those gossipy Northern women.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I know, because... Because I am one.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You were separated, aren't you?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Well, he's living in the loft.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16He's got the lilo and the slow cooker. We don't speak.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Now that's the blue of our Margaret's shower curtain there.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21- Where?- Them varicose veins, there.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Our Margaret's coming off cap.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29She says it's dangerous.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- No, it's the pill.- Is it?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34I'll have to pop her a note through.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Can you not phone?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39No, doctor says I haven't to dial.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41What's that scar on Mrs Critchley?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Appendix?- No.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46That's where she has nodded off on her Dick Francis.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50That's her from the flower shop, isn't it?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Her with the yellow flip-flops on.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Them are her feet, you tray cloth.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Now to my kind of people, the upper middle classes,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06or the middle classes pretending to be posh.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Victoria took a regular swipe at us, but, because it was Victoria,
0:16:10 > 0:16:11nobody ever minded.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13How do you like it in the country?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Oh, very much. - You don't find it too quiet?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Oh, no. There's always something going on.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19You see those big brown things outside the window?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Trees?- That's it. Well, round about April,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24they all get those sort of green sort of leafy things on,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and then round about the end of October they all drop off.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- It's riveting.- Lovely view.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Yes. And a few months ago... Um, what are they called, with the legs?
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Cows? A cow came through a gap in the hedge there and walked along.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Really?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40We were in fits.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Must be nice to be part of a community.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Oh, it is. Everyone's so friendly.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I cut my leg last month on a mantrap that someone had left.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50It's a beautifully crafted piece of farm machinery.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53If you ever get the chance, pop your leg in one. And I was just...
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I was staggering along the road, bleeding fairly profusely,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58and a tractor came by and I called out,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00"Is this the way to the hospital?"
0:17:00 > 0:17:02And he said, "No, it's in the other direction."
0:17:02 > 0:17:03You know?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Don't you miss the theatre and films?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10No, no, because, you see, we make our own amusement.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13We have a big old wooden barrel in the living room,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15and I like to sit and look at that.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Um... I've memorised the vitamins on the cornflakes packet.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Well, I'm sorry,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25living in the country would drive me mad in about five minutes.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Yes, I said that when we first came.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28But I was wrong.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30It actually took about four days.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Vic was fantastic at creating authentic characters,
0:17:35 > 0:17:39so some of her most celebrated monologues don't feature her at all.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42They were written for some of her - how can I put this politely -
0:17:42 > 0:17:44more affluent friends.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Good evening. My name's Kitty.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I could have married, I've given gallons of blood and I can't stomach
0:17:51 > 0:17:52whelks, so that's me for you.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I don't know why I've been asked to interrupt your telly viewing like
0:17:57 > 0:18:01this, but I'm apparently something of a celebrity since I walked the
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Pennine Way in slingbacks in an attempt to publicise mental health.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10They've asked me to talk about aspects of life in general.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Nuclear war, peg bags.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I wasn't going to come today, actually.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I'm not a fan of the modern railway system.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Wouldn't you object to paying £27.50 to walk the length and breadth
0:18:21 > 0:18:23of a train with a sausage in a plastic box?
0:18:23 > 0:18:28Anyway, they offered me a chopper from Cheadle, so here I am.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32The brilliance of Kitty, that character who's...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Probably, I mean, where would you put her in the social echelon?
0:18:36 > 0:18:40She's upper working-class, aspiring to lower middle-class.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44The snobbery, and all of it brought together by the brilliant use of
0:18:44 > 0:18:50language. The right word chosen in the right way with the right meter,
0:18:50 > 0:18:54that's what Vic did so brilliantly is write so cleverly
0:18:54 > 0:18:58and capture an appalling character, which is what Kitty is.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00My maisonette backs onto a cake factory,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03so I'm dusting my knick-knacks all the day long.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06And I shall wait to see myself before I do any more.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Fortunately I've just had my TV mended.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Well, I say mended - a shifty looking youth in plimsolls
0:19:11 > 0:19:14came and waggled my aerial and wolfed my Gipsy Creams,
0:19:14 > 0:19:15but that's the comprehensive system for you.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I was in the cafeteria here and a woman sat down with a prune yoghurt.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25And I speak as I find, so I said, "What's that terrible smell?"
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- She said... - LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:32She said, "It's Ma Griffe." I said, "Well, it wants washing."
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I'm doing the costumes for the rummy club's production
0:19:36 > 0:19:38of The Sound Of Music.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42And Helen Murchison's second act dirndl is a week's work in itself.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44She claims to be dieting,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46but every time we have "doe, a deer, a female deer,"
0:19:46 > 0:19:48there's a terrible whiff of pear drops.
0:19:49 > 0:19:55Victoria made everybody want to do everything so well,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59and Patricia used to go through hell to get them right.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02She lost weight doing it, I can tell you that.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Every time she did one, she lost a pound through sheer angst.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10The producer didn't cook, thank goodness.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12She's a nice girl,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15but when someone chain-smokes Capstan Full Strength
0:20:15 > 0:20:16and wears a coalman's jerkin,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18you're hardly tempted to sample their dumplings.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23First day I met her, she said...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25LAUGHTER
0:20:25 > 0:20:28She said, "I'm a radical feminist lesbian."
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I thought, "What would the Queen Mum do?"
0:20:34 > 0:20:38So I just smiled and said, "We shall have fog by tea-time."
0:20:44 > 0:20:48She said, "Are you intimidated by my sexual preferences?"
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I said, "No, and I'm not too struck with your donkey jacket either."
0:20:51 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Then it was, "What do you think of Marx?"
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I said, "I think their pants have dropped off
0:21:01 > 0:21:04"but you can't fault their broccoli."
0:21:04 > 0:21:07And since we're looking at amplified suburban snobbery,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10let's not forget everyone's favourite continuity announcer.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Hello. Now it's time for Birthday Parade.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Again. Peter and Katie Farnsworth are three today.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Their granny says, "Could they please have three Wallaby hops each
0:21:22 > 0:21:23"from Wally Wallaby?"
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Holly Louise Johnson is 11 on Friday.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Her mummy has sent me a photograph of Holly in the garden.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I think Mummy must be a little bit common, judging by the sun lounger.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42"Can Holly Louise have 11 Wallaby hops?"
0:21:42 > 0:21:44No, she can have three.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46I'm an announcer, not Fatima Whitbread.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52You know that that character was saying what she was really thinking,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54and it's what every continuity announcer would say
0:21:54 > 0:21:56if they could actually get away with it.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Here's one from working-class people about chip pans.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01I will repeat this one later
0:22:01 > 0:22:04in case some of you are out with your whippets.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05If your chip pan catches fire,
0:22:05 > 0:22:09it's not a good idea to whirl it round your head by the handle.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Smother it in a wet tea towel.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Or do what I do, have coleslaw.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I've never heard of coleslaw catching fire.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17So it's not quite so dangerous.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22And finally, don't sit too near the television screen.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Or I might poke you in the eye.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Oh, dear.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28It was our researcher's birthday
0:22:28 > 0:22:30and we all had a little bit of Asti Spumante.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37But it was Acorn Antiques which really took the mick out of posh.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41With my pal Celia Imrie in the rather snobbish role of Miss Babs.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46As I say, it certainly sounds like a genuine Picasso, Martin,
0:22:46 > 0:22:51but I would have to see it to be sure. Bye.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I think she used to think it was quite funny that
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I was a bit, you know, posh.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01I may feed you, Cousin Jerez, but I don't like you.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Let's cut the pleasantries, shall we?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Just why do you want to buy my shares?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07You don't like antiques and you never have done.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12True. But I do like motorway service stations.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- What do you mean?- Look out!
0:23:15 > 0:23:20- Of the window!- There's some council workmen putting a sign up.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I can't quite... A new motorway?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26To be built here, starting the 25th?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29That's tomorrow. Why haven't I had a letter?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32HE WHISTLES
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Why are you whistling like that?
0:23:34 > 0:23:38I know that tune. It's the one our postman always whistles.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Oh, I see. It wasn't a postman at all.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43It was you!
0:23:43 > 0:23:47She'd choose little things about you and put it in the sketches.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52I mean, like, for some reason she was fascinated by my nostrils
0:23:52 > 0:23:56and used to make me flare them at any given moment.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00How's your new girlfriend, Derek?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- What was her name? Marie-Therese Francine Dubois?- Yes, Miss.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08She's gone back to the convent, Miss.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Oh, no.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13And after all that trouble you went to to find her a pleated skirt.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Did she leave a note? - She left a novel.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20But I don't think it's very commercial.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Derek!- Miss Babs!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I still think of you, Miss Babs.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Whenever I'm watching the show jumping or grilling a tomato.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34The great thing is we had no idea what it was going to be like.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37But I had an awful feeling that perhaps
0:24:37 > 0:24:39she'd cast me as this really naff actress
0:24:39 > 0:24:43because that was all she'd ever seen me do.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46But of course it turned out to be joyous.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Just unplug the iron for me, could you?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- A pleasure.- Only, don't touch it with your bare hand because...
0:24:52 > 0:24:53HE GROANS UNCONVINCINGLY
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Because it's faulty.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Whatever was that heart-rending scream?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07It sounded as if somebody was being electrocuted.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- Look.- Oh, my good God!
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Is he dead?- Well, put it this way, Miss Berta,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I needn't have bothered rinsing out the extra mug.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21No, Clifford will never touch your macaroons again.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23What was that terrible noise?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25It sounded like a tray of coffee being dropped on someone
0:25:25 > 0:25:28who'd just been electrocuted.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31He's dead!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34SHE SOBS
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Crying won't bring him back, Miss Babs.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40No, that's true.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Why don't we all have a delicious mug of my home-made sherry
0:25:45 > 0:25:48and a couple of sausage dumplings?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Yes, Mrs O, why don't we?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53THEY LAUGH
0:25:55 > 0:25:59There you have it. That was our friend Victoria.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02And so, to play us out, here's one of her tunes.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It's a song about something that I can honestly say
0:26:04 > 0:26:05I've never dreamt of doing.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12# As a singer, life was hell I never did too well
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# I was never asked to play the same place twice
0:26:15 > 0:26:17# I was paid my final wage
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# Then an agent came backstage
0:26:20 > 0:26:24# And gave to me some brilliant advice
0:26:26 > 0:26:29# Pretend to be Northern
0:26:29 > 0:26:31# Just smile and act dense
0:26:31 > 0:26:33# Just sing something Northern
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# It doesn't have to make sense
0:26:36 > 0:26:38# Make a list of Northern cliches
0:26:38 > 0:26:40# And you can't go wrong
0:26:40 > 0:26:44# Put in any order You've got a Northern song
0:26:44 > 0:26:48# You... just... go...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# Tripe, clogs, going to the dogs
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# Wigan, a Blackpool tram
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# Brass band, butties in your hands
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# Whippets and next door's mam
0:26:58 > 0:26:59# Cloth cap, hankie full of snap
0:26:59 > 0:27:01# Shawls and scabby knees
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# Hot-pot, seven to a cot
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# Headscarves and mushy peas
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# I threw away my skin-tight suits
0:27:08 > 0:27:09# And I brought some heavy boots
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# And I wore a woolly shawl
0:27:11 > 0:27:12# All nice and flowery
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# I spend neet after neet
0:27:14 > 0:27:17# Watching Coronation Street
0:27:17 > 0:27:21# And studying the works of LS Lowry
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# Now I'm fully Northern
0:27:24 > 0:27:25# And it works a treat
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# Spent half the year in Preston
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# And the other in Crete
0:27:29 > 0:27:33# I'm buying a bungalow in Weybridge before too long
0:27:33 > 0:27:37# Once I've made enough brass from my Northern song
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# I just go rag man Eating out the pan
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# Tanners and threepenny bits
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# Pram wheels Good old Gracie Fields
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Braces, bugs and nits
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# Fish, chips, cycle clips
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# Gaslight and games in t' street
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# Nutty slack, privy out the back
0:27:51 > 0:27:52# Gradely aye and reet
0:27:52 > 0:27:54# Fog, smog, sitting on the bog
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Cobbles in the morning mist
0:27:56 > 0:27:58# Park Drive, dead at 45
0:27:58 > 0:28:00# From a back street abortionist. # It's terrible.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03SHE HUMS
0:28:07 > 0:28:09APPLAUSE
0:28:47 > 0:28:50- Thought of any jokes for this sketch yet?- Nope.