0:00:03 > 0:00:08She was one of the top, top comedians of the last 50 years.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11In Top Shop, my hips set off an alarm as I go through...
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Bleep, bleep, bleep.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15She soaked up whatever was there, and it came out,
0:00:15 > 0:00:17in these brilliant sketches.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19So, I don't have very much money,
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I'm single, I can't afford to go abroad.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23I don't make friends easily. What can I do?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25We had all this out in the wine bar.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27She's a one-off.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Genius.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Great times. Lovely to talk to. And the sex was hopeless.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35- The earth didn't move? - Even the headboard didn't move.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38She brought light to a dark world so often for everybody.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Is it a sorbet? Have you seen it on the trolley?
0:00:42 > 0:00:47The fact she was so multi-talented is just, you know, so rare.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48- Carl?- What?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Do you know the facts of life?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- Some of them.- Do you know where babies come from?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Of course I do. They come from women.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Will there ever be another?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I doubt it.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I first met Vic when she was a guest on my radio show.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I was already a massive fan.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And the problem was, I was a bit jet-lagged that day.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18So I was nervous, I was terrified that I was going to mess it up.
0:01:18 > 0:01:24And I did. It was genuinely the worst interview I have ever done.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29The next time I met her, however, we joked about it.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33And very soon, we became the best of friends.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37So, it's an honour and a privilege to present this programme,
0:01:37 > 0:01:43a celebration of the finest work of our friend Victoria.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Now, this episode is all about love and sex.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Actually, it's mainly about sex.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53And Victoria's take on it, because she was refreshingly candid,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56never afraid to say what we were all thinking.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Sex, there's something so stressful about it.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04I keep thinking, in the end,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07they will have to phase it out altogether.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09It will have to be one of those things that we just watch on the
0:02:09 > 0:02:12television, but we don't like to attempt ourselves.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14You know, like a banana souffle.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I suppose, in the end, we'll all have virtual reality and we won't need to do it at all.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20We'll just go around with those things on our heads going,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22"Bloody hell, that was a good one."
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I think Vic talking about sex, yes,
0:02:25 > 0:02:29was definitely refreshing and we needed that sort of thing.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32We needed a woman to stand up there and joke about it.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34We've had men doing it for years.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36In different guises and different ways.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39And so to have her do it was hilarious.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43It was what we all recognised. The problems of being a woman.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45See, to me, there's always the worry with sex.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Are you doing it the same way as everybody else?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49You can't be sure, can you?
0:02:49 > 0:02:53I'm sure that some people go and see porn films, you know, just to check.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Because I knew this woman, and she was married to the same man for
0:02:55 > 0:02:5735 years, and she only ever, ever slept with him.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59She was very innocent about sex.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01She didn't really know anything about it at all.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Until she caught sight of a bit of a soft porn movie on a television set
0:03:04 > 0:03:06in an electrical shop window. "Oh, what's that?"
0:03:06 > 0:03:08She was furious when she got home, she said,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"Ken, I don't know what you think you've been doing all these years
0:03:11 > 0:03:13"with a tin of biscuits in a string bag."
0:03:15 > 0:03:17She had never had an orgasm.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21In 35 years, she tried and tried and tried, and she could never have one.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And then she suddenly had one one day,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25this was on her way to work, actually. And...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:03:29 > 0:03:32She wasn't even thinking about sex. This was at a petrol station.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34She just stood there filling up her car with petrol,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36just stood there like this...
0:03:39 > 0:03:41AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Just stood there filling up with eight gallons of unleaded!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58And she told me about it, and I said, "Well, how embarrassing.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"You'll never be able to go back there again."
0:04:00 > 0:04:02She said, "I will."
0:04:04 > 0:04:06She said, "You look at it from my point of view.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"After 35 years of trying,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"it's quick, it works, and you get Tiger tokens."
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Well, if sex is what you're after,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22and a relationship with an unleaded petrol pump isn't your thing,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25then you're going to have to get out there and meet someone.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27An actual real person.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31And Vic was brilliant at highlighting the nonsenses
0:04:31 > 0:04:32of the dating game.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41So, what is it? Meeting a man with view to marriage?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Yes.- It's just some of our ladies just want someone to re-point the
0:04:44 > 0:04:48brickwork. Any particular colour of man?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Oh, I don't think so.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I'm not nuts on freckles.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54No freckles.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57And what type of personality?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59What type have you?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Outgoing, home-loving, miserable,
0:05:02 > 0:05:06you find there's quite a big choice at the miserable end of the market.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Dull, I think. Dull-ish.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- And does he have to be able to...? - SHE GIGGLES
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Sorry?- Use his what into thingy.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Do you wish the marriage to be constipated?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Are you looking for physical fulfilment?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Oh, yes.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27It's just that some of our gentlemen can't manage that type of activity.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29They tend to be the miserable ones.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Well, I'd done a bit with Benny Hill when I was very, very young.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35But that was before I went into Coronation Street.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I did a couple of sketches with him.
0:05:37 > 0:05:43I think people thought of me as a, you know, a serious actress.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Until Vic came along.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I'm looking for Mr Right, Corinne.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52I've met Mr Wrong. I've met several Mr Reasonably OKs.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56I spent a very long afternoon in a bus shelter with Mr Halitosis.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58You can be too choosy.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- Pernickety.- No.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03What are you doing with those potatoes?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Well, before I put them on to boil
0:06:05 > 0:06:10I'm just carving them into the faces of minor celebrities, Corinne.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Cliff Michelmore here.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14And Anona Winn.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I'm just having a crack at Jeremy Beadle.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22She sent me this wonderful sketch called Mr Right.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25And young men, particularly young gay men,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28come up and do it to me in the street, still.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31They come and do the bit about peeling the potatoes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Pam is waiting for her first glimpse of her computer date,
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Donald Renshaw.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44On paper, he is perfect - will Mr Renshaw turn out to be Mr Right?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Oh!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Soup of the day, please. - Yes, sir, which one?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- Thursday.- Sorry, what are these?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Crude mushrooms with garlic, white wine and chopped parsley.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Could I have them without the garlic?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- No garlic.- And no white wine.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- No wine.- And I won't have the mushrooms.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11So how would you like the parsley?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh, just as it comes. Thank you.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17But not too chopped.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Well, Pam, to me, Donald seems dull, obsessive, repetitive,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26humourless and crass.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- Would you agree?- Oh, definitely.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30I'm hooked.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33That's my man!
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Anne was still looking for Mr Right when she appeared in Vic's one-off
0:07:37 > 0:07:38situation comedy The Library.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I've put "very gentlemanly,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"interested in fine china and 18th-century English furniture.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46"Likes visiting cathedrals, classical music,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"semi-retired business consultant
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"looking for quiet, refined companion."
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Well, you're quiet. - Yes, but I'm not refined.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I wouldn't know a Hepplewhite whatnot from a quarter of wine gums.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- Just be yourself. - We weren't a classical music family.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02If Joe Piano Henderson couldn't play it, we didn't hear it.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04What you want to do is meet him for a drink,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06take somebody vulgar and thick with you,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09then you come out looking erudite and tasteful, he's bowled over,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11and whisks you away in his Rover. What do you say?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15You say a friend of yours will be joining us?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Just breezing through.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Here she is now, actually.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Give us a swig of your vino, crumble,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I've been banging like a navvy's drill all affy.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- This is...- Sapphire.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27- Charmed. - Pleased to meet you, Sapphire.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I'm Richard Casey.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31He looks a bit of a Richard, don't he, Sheila?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- SHE LAUGHS - 'Ey up.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Oh, I'm sweating cobs.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Can I pour you a glass, Sapphire?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Oh, pour us a bin bag, I'm gasping.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44That window cleaner, what a snogger.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I've never had such clean tonsils!
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Never mind a chamois, he certainly buffed up my corners!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53'There was one day when the director said,'
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"This needs another joke here.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58"It's a bit short."
0:08:58 > 0:09:01And the next... She went home, she came back the next morning,
0:09:01 > 0:09:05and the next day she came back, and I've still got the photocopy,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07handwritten script,
0:09:07 > 0:09:13of this glorious section about Torvill and Dean lying on the ice.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Sheila, have you told Richard
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- about how you're really into classical music?- Oh, yes.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Ravel's Bolero. What a pulsing rhythm,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23it's superb for tackling the ironing.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Well, Sapphire, any views on Ravel?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- What were he? A juggler? - No, a rather famous composer.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Oh, I would just thinking, you know, cos jugglers have boleros.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34You probably know it as the Torvill and Dean music.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oh, what a lovely couple.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38And, you know, they never did it.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Mind you, she spent so much time lying face down on the ice
0:09:40 > 0:09:41I'm not surprised!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Sometimes sex comes along when you least expect it.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54One minute you're ordering your tortellini, the next minute, well,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56who knows what could happen.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Pasta.- BOTH: Thank you.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Bit of fattening, eh?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Something to grab hold of.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Nice one.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12They're all like that in here,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16jabbing their groins into your tortellini.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Then, on Tuesday, Nick left home.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- What, for good?- Well, he's taken the tool shed.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I thought you were so well-suited.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28We were. Especially physically.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Whenever I gave him the old come-hither, he came hither.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34You were quite experimental, weren't you?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Oh, yes.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Outdoors, three-in-a-bed.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40And with the man next door?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I don't recommend it. They got on to politics,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46and I ended up watching Take The High Road with the sound off.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Parmesan?- BOTH: Thank you.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Yum-yum.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Very nice.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Very cheesy.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58KISSING NOISES
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Oh, we should have gone to the Snackateria.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05One thing about self service is
0:11:05 > 0:11:08no-one tries to arouse your sexuality.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12No, so, Nick, apparently, is in love with someone else.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14How long has that been going on?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15It must be yonks, because he told me
0:11:15 > 0:11:18their tune was Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Who is it?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30You know I mentioned a very small neighbour of mine,
0:11:30 > 0:11:34buys children's clothes and spends the VAT on tequila?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Well, it's her.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I wondered why he'd had that cat flap widened.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Pepper, ladies?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Make you nice and hot.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Nice big one, eh?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I know what you ladies like.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Thank heavens the sausage was off!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07No, so I'm totally disillusioned.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10No more sex. I'm going to become a nun.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I thought you had to be able to play billiards?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15No, that's all changed.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19No, I'm joining a convent in Smethwick on Friday.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I have to take one small suitcase and a jigsaw.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24What's the habit like?
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Hot pants.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27That's a bit outdated.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Well, you have to make some sacrifices.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Won't you miss the physical side of life?
0:12:32 > 0:12:33No, Faith.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Because I'm basically a very cerebral and spiritual person.
0:12:37 > 0:12:42I don't go around panting for bodily intimacy like a misguided poodle.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46You like to come and be very naughty with me in staff washroom?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Lots of sexy fun with nice, big Italian boy.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh, go on, then. Faith?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Just a black coffee. Thank you.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Now, fortunately, Vic, or should I say Bren,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07and her merry band of Dinnerladies
0:13:07 > 0:13:10weren't afraid to say what they meant.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Especially when it came to gossiping about their relationships.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17I mean, how refreshing was it to hear them talking about sex
0:13:17 > 0:13:20in an oh-so-normal way?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22What are you reading, Twink?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- A survey. Good knob guide. - Let's have a look.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Blimey! I thought you meant furniture or something.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I am sanding down an old blanket box,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I could do with an unusual knob.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I don't think you want one of them on your blanket box, Dolly!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42It might give me some ideas.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Oh, honestly!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Oh, I can't even look.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53I think Vic's appeal, even if she was talking about women's issues,
0:13:53 > 0:13:57it was done in a way that didn't exclude anybody.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It was done in a very gentle, funny way.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03They think now that pressure at work can affect your sex life.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05They did a questionnaire.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"Are you too busy to have an orgasm?"
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Orgasm? I haven't blown my nose since Wednesday.
0:14:12 > 0:14:18It wasn't that sort of, 1970s, '80s, '90s innuendo.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20It was right on the nose.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Are you Brenda?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Bren?- Yes.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Answer me one question, love.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Where's my Clint?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Sorry?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49In other hands, it could come across really crude.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52But it wasn't. It was on the edge, sort of thing.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54And it was just ridiculously funny.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I thought I might not be able to park,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58but Stan dropped his bollards for me.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03You monkey!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06You may find retractable bollards humorous, but to my mind,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09they've revolutionised flexible parking.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10- I believe you.- I mean,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13with all this builder's traffic around I'd either be putting in my
0:15:13 > 0:15:17cones out by hand, or unlocking my bollards and laying them out flat.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18I've watched you do it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21But now, they're up and down at the touch of a button.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26All of us had a sex life on Dinnerladies.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Or a lack of a sex life.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Or talked about it.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34So, again, you know, women of a certain age, talking about sex.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Now, that was different for television.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40And that, for me, was ground-breaking.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42All right, Jean?
0:15:42 > 0:15:47I was just wondering if I've made love in every room in my house.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48And have you?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Hmmm.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Demi Moore gave me the idea.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Mind you, I don't suppose she much goes in for coconut matting.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03You'd think no-one had ever had a boyfriend before.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Have you seen him yet, Dolly?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06The famous Barry?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10No. I saw his underpants on the settee this morning.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12What sort, Y-fronts, post modern?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16I was trying not to look, what with scattered male underwear
0:16:16 > 0:16:19and an unwashed Jean spilling out of a baby-doll kimono,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22it was enough to put you off your grape nuts.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Well, I think it's fantastic.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Jean puts up with Keith for 27 years,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28a man who comes to bed wearing a Blackburn Rovers bobble hat,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31and whose idea of foreplay is taking it off.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32He runs away with a dental hygienist,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34and she lands a hunk like Barry.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36How hunky is he supposed to be?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Well, she told me they did it twice during the Nine O'Clock News.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41That's a pretty good recovery rate.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Perhaps it was specially extended.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Vic really nailed the British attitude towards sex
0:16:52 > 0:16:54in her darkly comic film Pat And Margaret.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Pointing out there's still a whole generation shocked by the fact that
0:16:58 > 0:17:01people actually do it. They actually have sex.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- DUNCAN PRESTON:- Pat And Margaret?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I thought everybody was great in that.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I really thought everybody was so good.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17'It taught me so much, that film.'
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Jim, do you want to make it up or not?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- Now, just a minute.- No conferring.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30If we're doing it, then we have to get a place, live together,
0:17:30 > 0:17:31none of this fannying about.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33We either go for it, or it's finito.
0:17:33 > 0:17:38There will be no living together if I have anything to do with it.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40You don't have anything to do with it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42So button up or ship out.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44It's your fault I never learned to read,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46and I could never get a qualification.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Yes. You're on, Margaret.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55I've loved you since the first minute you gave me extra gravy.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57You've given me care.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59And comfort.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02And a wonderful sex life.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Come here.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06A sex life?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08You had a sex life?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Where have you had it?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- In your bed.- Not on the eiderdown!
0:18:16 > 0:18:17"Not on the eiderdown."
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Well, there were about 100 people watching.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24And it was like we were in the Palladium. They all started...
0:18:24 > 0:18:25"We can't!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"Please shhh, shut up!"
0:18:28 > 0:18:30And so we had to do it again.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32And they laughed again.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34So I think we did it, before they shut up,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37we must have done it four or five times.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40And she hit it every time.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Every time.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44She was great, Thora.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Amazing.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I mean, why are we so good at things like that, and we're so bad at
0:18:49 > 0:18:51personal things, like, sort of, love and romance and sex?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54We're hopeless at it in this country because we can't talk about things
0:18:54 > 0:18:56like that, can we? I think that's why British women have that
0:18:56 > 0:18:59compulsion to sleep with foreigners when they go on holiday abroad.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Because then they don't have to talk to them. It's like it doesn't count.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04It doesn't matter what he touches,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06as long as he can't pronounce it properly.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:13It's not that we're not doing it, we're all doing it like mad,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16it's just that nobody's talking about it. If you read our paper,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18the whole of the back page is a personal column.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19It's all things to with sex.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21There's an advert every week for a call girl.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"Call me, Dorinda, for personal service.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26"Not Tuesday, as I'm at bingo."
0:19:26 > 0:19:28There's an advert every week for a massage parlour.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30That could be genuine. I think that's put in by a man
0:19:30 > 0:19:32who used to run on with a sponge at Aston Villa.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36But half of these adverts are from ordinary people who wish to get
0:19:36 > 0:19:38involved with wife swapping.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I could never really believe wife swapping actually goes on.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I sort of imagined it's something invented by the tabloids,
0:19:43 > 0:19:44and blown up out of all portion.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46You know, like Samantha Fox was.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49But I can sort of imagine it going on in Hollywood,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51you know, in the Hollywood Hills,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53naked film stars leaping from chandeliers
0:19:53 > 0:19:57and ladling cocaine up out of Tupperware.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I can't imagine an orgy going on in Bridlington, can you?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- YORKSHIRE ACCENT:- "Eh, now, steady on, mind my barometer."
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I mean, because British people are very reserved, aren't they?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I mean, physically. I mean, I know I am.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I keep the strip in my bikini bottoms after I've bought them.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Just tell him. Just tell him what it means, it's quicker.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- Just tell him. - LAUGHTER
0:20:25 > 0:20:29I have been trying to picture an evening of British wife swapping.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32And it's very difficult to do. Look, I take two imaginary couples, right.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35What shall I call the first couple? Janet and John, right.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Shall we call the other couple? Nip and Fluff? No, I don't think so.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Janet and John and Robert and Pam, right?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Robert and Pam have decided to hold an evening's wife swapping
0:20:44 > 0:20:48at their lovely new home The Open Crotch, 32 Willow Crescent.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52They've sent out invitations, 7.00 for 7.30.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Refreshments provided at half-time.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58That's when we'll change ends.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03So say it's about half past six, right?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06What's actually going on? Janet and John are getting ready to come out,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08she's getting her G-string out of the airing cupboard
0:21:08 > 0:21:12and he's frantically splashing his private parts with Hai Karate.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17In the other house, Pam is doing a last-minute hoover of the lounge,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19and setting up those little things in bowls.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Olives, cashew nuts, condoms. Back at the other house,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Janet's giving John a bit of a last-minute telling off.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27"Now, John, don't show me up like you did last time."
0:21:27 > 0:21:28"What did I do?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"When you were making love to that woman on her kitchen table."
0:21:30 > 0:21:31"What did I do?"
0:21:31 > 0:21:34"You only looked up and said her central pendant needed rewiring."
0:21:38 > 0:21:40And now, to one of my favourite sketches,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44another superb example of Vic's fine observations
0:21:44 > 0:21:47of how we talk about sex with our colleagues.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I don't mean sex with our colleagues,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I mean talking about sex with... You know what I mean.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Our next doors had sex again last night.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Not again.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I mean, I like a joke, but that's twice this month.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I could not think what the noise was.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I thought our central heating had come on a month early.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Then I heard someone shout,
0:22:16 > 0:22:18"Oh, don't bother, Ken, I'll do it myself." So...
0:22:23 > 0:22:26So I thought, "Well, it can't be the central heating."
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Have you got gas?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30No. Methane.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I thought, "Well, I'm on the high-fibre."
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Does it work your cooker as well?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Mm, though a leg of pork takes seven days to cook through.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Can't keep it down, pork.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Ever since a Jehovah's Witness told me about their mating habits.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- Pigs?- Mm.- What do they do?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Well, they enjoy it.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- They don't?- They do.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Now, are you still having pork and pickle fancies
0:22:55 > 0:22:56for Shona's wedding?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58No, I'm not.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59PHONE RINGS
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Family planning, can I help you?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12So there you have it. That was our friend Victoria.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Now, I'd like to end on a song.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16But not just any old song.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18This is one of Vic's most famous.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21The Ballad Of Barry And Freda, of course.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24But watch carefully though. You'll see Vic bouncing in her chair.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27It looks like part of the performance, but it isn't.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31This song is so technically difficult to sing, and so fast,
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Vic literally had to move up and down to get more air into her lungs.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37You try singing it.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40You won't make it through. She is the only one that can do it.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42So let's do it.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43# Let's do it, let's do it
0:23:43 > 0:23:46# Do it while the mood is right!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48# I'm feeling, appealing
0:23:48 > 0:23:50# I've really got an appetite
0:23:50 > 0:23:52# I'm on fire with desire
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir
0:23:55 > 0:23:58# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00# But he said
0:24:00 > 0:24:01# I can't do it, I can't do it
0:24:01 > 0:24:04# I don't believe in too much sex
0:24:04 > 0:24:06# This fashion for passion
0:24:06 > 0:24:08# Turns us into nervous wrecks
0:24:08 > 0:24:10# No derision, my decision
0:24:10 > 0:24:12# I'd rather watch the Spinners on the television
0:24:12 > 0:24:15# I can't do it, I can't do it tonight
0:24:15 > 0:24:17# So she said
0:24:17 > 0:24:21# Let's do it, let's do it, do it till our hearts go boom
0:24:21 > 0:24:23# Go native, creative
0:24:23 > 0:24:25# Living in the living room
0:24:25 > 0:24:27# This folly is jolly
0:24:27 > 0:24:30# Bend me over backwards on me hostess trolley!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33# Let's do it, let's do it tonight
0:24:34 > 0:24:36# I can't do it, I can't do it
0:24:36 > 0:24:39# My heavy-breathing days are gone
0:24:39 > 0:24:41# I'm older, feel colder
0:24:41 > 0:24:43# It's other things that turn me on
0:24:43 > 0:24:45# I'm imploring, I'm boring
0:24:45 > 0:24:48# Let me read this catalogue on vinyl flooring!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51# I can't do it, I can't do it tonight
0:24:52 > 0:24:54# Let's do it, let's do it
0:24:54 > 0:24:56# Have a crazy night of love!
0:24:56 > 0:25:01# I'll strip bare, I'll just wear stilettos and an oven glove!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03# Don't starve a girl of a palaver
0:25:03 > 0:25:05# Dangle from the wardrobe in your balaclava
0:25:05 > 0:25:10# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12# I can't do it, I can't do it
0:25:12 > 0:25:14# I know I'll only get it wrong
0:25:14 > 0:25:16# Don't angle for me to dangle
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# My arms have never been that strong
0:25:19 > 0:25:21# Stop pouting! Stop shouting
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# I can't do it, I can't do it tonight
0:25:28 > 0:25:30# Let's do it, let's do it
0:25:30 > 0:25:32# Share a night of wild romance!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36# Frenetic, poetic, this could be your last big chance!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38# To quote Milton, to eat Stilton
0:25:38 > 0:25:41# To roll with gay abandon on the tufted Wilton!
0:25:41 > 0:25:45# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47# I can't do it, I can't do it
0:25:47 > 0:25:50# I've got other little jobs on hand
0:25:50 > 0:25:52# Don't grouse around the house
0:25:52 > 0:25:54# I've got a busy evening planned
0:25:54 > 0:25:56# Stop nagging! I'm flagging
0:25:56 > 0:25:58# You know as well as I do that the pipes need lagging
0:25:58 > 0:26:02# I can't do it, I can't do it tonight
0:26:03 > 0:26:05# Let's do it, let's do it
0:26:05 > 0:26:08# While I'm really in the mood
0:26:08 > 0:26:09# Three cheers! It's years
0:26:09 > 0:26:12# Since I caught you even semi-nude
0:26:12 > 0:26:14# Get drastic, gymnastic
0:26:14 > 0:26:16# Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic
0:26:16 > 0:26:21# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23# I can't do it, I can't do it
0:26:23 > 0:26:25# I must refuse to get undressed
0:26:25 > 0:26:26# I feel silly
0:26:26 > 0:26:27# It's too chilly
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# To go without my thermal vest
0:26:30 > 0:26:31# Don't choose me, don't use me
0:26:31 > 0:26:34# My mother sent a note to say you must excuse me
0:26:34 > 0:26:39# I can't do it, I can't do it tonight
0:26:39 > 0:26:41# Let's do it, let's do it
0:26:41 > 0:26:43# I really absolutely must
0:26:43 > 0:26:45# I won't exempt you, want to tempt you
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# Want to drive you mad with lust
0:26:48 > 0:26:49# No cautions, just contortions
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# Smear an avocado on my lower portions!
0:26:52 > 0:26:57# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!
0:26:57 > 0:26:58# I can't do it, I can't do it
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# It's really not my cup of tea
0:27:01 > 0:27:02# I'm harassed, embarrassed
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# I wish you hadn't picked on me
0:27:05 > 0:27:06# No barter
0:27:06 > 0:27:07# A non-starter
0:27:07 > 0:27:10# I feel about as sensuous as Jimmy Carter
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# I can't do it, can't do it tonight
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# Let's do it, let's do it
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# I really want to run amok!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# Let's wiggle!
0:27:20 > 0:27:21# Let's jiggle!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# Let's really make the rafters rock!
0:27:23 > 0:27:24# Be mighty, be flighty
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# Come and melt the buttons on my flameproof nightie!
0:27:27 > 0:27:34# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# Let's do it, let's do it
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# I really want to rant and rave!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40# Let's go, cos I know
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# Just how I want you to behave
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Not meekly, not bleakly
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# Beat me on the bottom with the Woman's Weekly
0:27:47 > 0:27:55# Let's do it, let's do it tonight. #
0:27:58 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:36What this? Sex, sex, more sex.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39You know, I'd be much better off with an 800-piece jigsaw.