0:00:04 > 0:00:06Victoria was like an extraordinary diamond,
0:00:06 > 0:00:08with these facets of brilliance.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10They put me in the same dressing room with Frank Carson,
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Stan Boardman, Bernard Manning, and Angela Rippon.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14LAUGHTER
0:00:14 > 0:00:16God, she knows some filthy jokes, I tell you!
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Vic was voted the person that most people would like to have
0:00:19 > 0:00:20as a next door neighbour.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23That's possibly the loveliest accolade you can have.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26I told Dr Spencer I had to get back and help you out in the shop,
0:00:26 > 0:00:28so he cured me, so here I am! Ha-ha-ha!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30She's definitely a hero...
0:00:30 > 0:00:32a comedic hero.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34She's got right dangly earrings with sausages on them.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36LAUGHTER
0:00:36 > 0:00:41I don't think there's anybody who can do what she did.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44If Marjorie were to let her concentration lapse
0:00:44 > 0:00:46for just one second, I could literally...
0:00:47 > 0:00:50She's just part of the fabric of
0:00:50 > 0:00:51British life, really.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I can't stand round listening to gossip all day like some folk.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58There is nobody, and never will be anybody like Victoria Wood.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Victoria Wood was my comedy hero.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11When I was young, I used to watch and watch and watch
0:01:11 > 0:01:14all the episodes of As Seen On TV again,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16and again,
0:01:16 > 0:01:17and again.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Now, years later when I got the call to go for an audition
0:01:21 > 0:01:23for a part in Dinnerladies, well...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I was gobsmacked.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29I couldn't believe I was going to be in the same room as Victoria Wood.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Never mind get to work with her.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36So now I'm absolutely thrilled
0:01:36 > 0:01:39to have been asked to present this programme,
0:01:39 > 0:01:43a celebration of the finest work of our friend, Victoria.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Vic was brilliant at taking a swipe at society's view
0:01:48 > 0:01:50on how we should look,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52what we should wear,
0:01:52 > 0:01:53what we should eat,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55and what we should weigh.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56And we should thank her for that,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59for saying what we were all thinking.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Because it doesn't really matter about any of that.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04It's what's up here and what's in here that counts.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09So tonight, I'm looking at Vic's take on appearance.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Now, I don't have this urge that a lot of women have got to wear a bikini
0:02:16 > 0:02:18cos I know I'm not the right shape for a bikini,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21and I know what shape I am because I read it in a book.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Honestly, I was in this bookshop flicking through
0:02:23 > 0:02:24this stupid book about body shapes,
0:02:24 > 0:02:28and it said that all women could be divided into
0:02:28 > 0:02:30one of four basic body shapes.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33And that was pear shape, hourglass, triangle, and rectangle.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35And I was a rectangle.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I mean, it actually said it in the book.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39It said, "Famous rectangles: Jennifer Saunders.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42"More generous example, Victoria Wood."
0:02:42 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Oh, well, thanks a lot!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51But blimey, you know, I don't do drugs,
0:02:51 > 0:02:52I try and keep my name out of the papers,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54there I am, down in black and white...
0:02:54 > 0:02:57as an example of a generous rectangle.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I mean, what a stupid way to categorise people anyway!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I mean, I don't think of my three best friends
0:03:02 > 0:03:05as two pears and a triangle.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I think of them as Moany, Groany and Split Ends.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Dealing with the issue of weight was something
0:03:12 > 0:03:15that was so much part of her daily life
0:03:15 > 0:03:18that it was inevitable that was what she was going to write about,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21but...it's also the thing that connected her with people.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23APPLAUSE
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Anyway, I know I'm different sizes in different shops,
0:03:26 > 0:03:2716 in some shops, 18 in some shops.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29In Gap, I'm only a size 12, cos they're American.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31In Marks & Spencer's, I'm only a size three
0:03:31 > 0:03:33cos they don't want to upset anybody.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:36In Topshop, my hips set off an alarm as I go through.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37BLEEPING
0:03:37 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:41There's a big middle-aged woman trying to get in.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43There's a grill coming down. Whoa! LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:45APPLAUSE
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I go, "Please, it's not for me, it's my daughter."
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"No, we can't help you. Go, go, go."
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"Evans is round the corner, please go there."
0:03:56 > 0:04:00I loved how she took ownership of it later, and even...
0:04:00 > 0:04:01There was an interview she did
0:04:01 > 0:04:03where she said that there should be...
0:04:05 > 0:04:06At premieres, there should be two carpets,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09a red carpet and a blue carpet, and the blue carpet should be for
0:04:09 > 0:04:11the people who look like baked potatoes.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13HE CHUCKLES
0:04:17 > 0:04:19First stop, let's look at diet.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Because if society wants us to lose weight and improve our appearance,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25we'd better start eating properly.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29So for breakfast I'm having a seaweed and almond butter smoothie.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Not likely.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36What's that, dear?
0:04:36 > 0:04:37It's tofu.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Tofu, what's that?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Soya bean curd.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41What is it?!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44It's... It's soya bean curd, Mum.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Oh, right.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Er... Well, two tofus, then, dear, please.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:51And a cup of tea, Mum?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Oh, yes, not half!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Two teas, dear, please.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Rooibos, Lapsang, rosehip or chamomile?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Er... Wha... Wha...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02What sort of tea do you fancy, Mum, then?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03The roo-ey bosch?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Or the Lapsang, or...?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Up to you.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Well, two Lapsangs, then, dear, please.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12One milky, one not quite so milky.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Soya milk, goat's milk or cow's?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20What sort of milk do you want, Mum? LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Oh... Oh... Oh, cow's, please.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25One with cow's, dear, please, and...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27and one with goat's.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28The goat's over by the coat rack,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- just milk as much as you need.- OK!
0:05:31 > 0:05:32She and I always used to talk about,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34you know, our weight... transformations.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36One minute we'd be, you know,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38yo-yo dieting or whatever,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40and "Stop eating yo-yos" was the reply to that.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I was watching the television, and my least favourite advert came on.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I can't remember the name, now. It's a slimming thing...
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Oh, the Slimfast plan. Have you seen this advert?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49It's a woman holding up a photograph of herself.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51And she's going, "Hello, my name is Petrina Madwoman."
0:05:51 > 0:05:55LAUGHTER This is me, when I was 29st eight.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Now, after only three weeks
0:05:56 > 0:05:58of drinking Slimfast vanilla creosote...
0:05:58 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:05:59 > 0:06:01..I'm 6st two.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:06One delicious nutritious shake for breakfast.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07One for lunch.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08And by tea-time,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I'm snatching chocolate buttons off small children.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I'm sure it was really important
0:06:16 > 0:06:19for her to be saying all of those things.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Because I can't think of anyone else at the time...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24..that was talking about it.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26And I'm sure it helped lots of women
0:06:26 > 0:06:27to be able to just laugh about it.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Vic's favourite meal was egg and chips.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Ask anyone, and they'll tell you that.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37First time I went round to hers,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I had egg and chips.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Egg and chips.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Has a certain ring to it, doesn't it?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44That's probably why she liked it.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Egg and chips.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48The most basic of...
0:06:50 > 0:06:53..staple meals, and done right,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56one of the most joyful meals you can possibly have,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59and if you're sharing it with a cup of tea with Victoria,
0:06:59 > 0:07:00that is a perfect meal.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Lunchtime sometimes she'd just...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04She'd say, "Oh, bring me some egg and chips
0:07:04 > 0:07:06"and I'll rewrite that scene, I'm not happy with it."
0:07:06 > 0:07:08She loved egg and chips,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10and I used to think, well, hang on,
0:07:10 > 0:07:11egg and chips is fattening, isn't it?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14But she'd say no, it's protein and a bit of carbs, it's fine,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16so I started eating them.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Trouble is, I had them for my tea as well!
0:07:24 > 0:07:25From all of Vic's work,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I think the people that talked about appearance more than anyone else
0:07:29 > 0:07:30were the dinner ladies.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34We'd always find ourselves arguing about diets and weight,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38and Dolly and Jean, well, they could just not shut up about it.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Oh, is this your full fat day?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Oh, it could be if I call Wednesday semi-skimmed.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46In fact, if I call today Saturday, I could have a Kit Kat!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:51It's a load of codswash, dieting.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53All that misery, for what?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55You could fall under a bus tomorrow.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- LAUGHTER - I could.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59You wouldn't fit under a bus, it would have to be jacked up.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I'm not cursed with hips, fortunately.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06We've come a long way, me and my hips.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Mm!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Talk about contents may have settled in transit.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15She did write a lot of stuff into Dinnerladies for Dolly about...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Because Dolly was always dieting.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20And she was very easily sent up about that,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I think, because she was very...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24po-faced about it.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Bren?
0:08:26 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:31 > 0:08:34She's in training for her holiday.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36What sort of holiday is she intending to have?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39The only other people who walk like that are mass murderers,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- on their way to the penitentiary. - LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Hey, Doll, where are you going on holiday? Sing Sing?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46It's a very dressy cruise.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I have to tone up.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I don't want to be bending over a truly international
0:08:50 > 0:08:52nightly buffet with loose buttocks.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:57It led to a lot of humour with Jean who couldn't care less.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01What would happen if I asked for a herbal tea?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Nothing.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:07You mean, you wouldn't be fazed by such a request?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09No, I mean you wouldn't get one.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Just tell him to come up.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Put a piece through, cos it IS warm.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- Warm toast, it's like blooming... - ..warm salad.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Ooh, you can have warm salad.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20It's quite a shi-shi starter.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Think of that for the wedding, Jean.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24With Keith's family?!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Last big wedding his auntie Dot ate a coaster.- No!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:33His auntie Dot from Cockermouth ate a raffia drinks coaster.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:35 > 0:09:37She thought it was a high fibre biscuit.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:42 > 0:09:44She has to be held back from moving down the table
0:09:44 > 0:09:46and buttering two more.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:57But diet alone isn't going to strip you of those pounds.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59You'll need to do a bit of exercise, too.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01So, go swimming.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Get yourself to the gym.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Or even better, book a weekend at a health farm.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08OK, everybody...
0:10:10 > 0:10:11..I'm just calling you everybody
0:10:11 > 0:10:15because I don't know everybody's names, as yet,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17and until we're doing that,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20everybody, as a sort of termitude,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22will have to...huffice.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I'm Nicola.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26As I say, if you should need me at all
0:10:26 > 0:10:29during the periodical which you're with us,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33just examine a member of staff who's approximate, say "Where's Nicola?"
0:10:33 > 0:10:34And that will find me.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39This is the Pinkney Hydro,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41as you'll have gathered.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42The gateway to health.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47I don't know if you're familiar with the old Latin saying...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I only speak a little Latin myself,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51just enough to buy a paper.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53The saying...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Mens sana, incorporises.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00And I think we can learn a lot from that.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04In woman's quest for perfection...
0:11:05 > 0:11:10..Vic was always able to talk about exercise, thank God,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12and take the piss out of it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13So what's the diet?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Well, what it is you do is
0:11:15 > 0:11:18you eat a hard-boiled egg before every meal,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21and that hard-boiled egg actually eats some of the meal for you,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23and so you lose weight.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:26 > 0:11:27You don't want to lose weight, do you?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I do, Victoria.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32My agent says if I can't taper my hips to quite an extent
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I could say bye-bye lingerie, hello bakeware.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Why, are you a model?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Catalogues, glamour, promos.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Have you seen the car parts calendar?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43- Erm...- I'm August.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I'm pointing at a fan belt.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Was that topless?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Not really. I was holding quite a big spanner.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Course, they say you shouldn't eat a lot of eggs now,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- don't they? - Oh, quite honestly, Lily,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55if you believe everything they say...
0:11:55 > 0:12:00Like, all this "other people smoking can give you cancer."
0:12:00 > 0:12:01I mean, how can it?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I mean, if you read a book, Victoria,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06that's not going to make me more intelligent, is it?
0:12:06 > 0:12:07I wouldn't have thought so.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:12She had that ability of turning the hypocrisy of the way
0:12:12 > 0:12:15we all try and lose weight and look a certain way,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17she would then put it into a sketch and make it hilarious,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20showing her own...midriff rolls.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23OK, I'm Madge.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Welcome to my Friday night low impact class,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28for fatties with attitude!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Welcome to Fattitude.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33LAUGHTER
0:12:33 > 0:12:35OK, let's funk it up a little bit. Come on!
0:12:36 > 0:12:43LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Cos you can do any diet you like, girls,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49if you don't do those exercises,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51you are up that shopping centre without a credit card.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52LAUGHTER
0:12:52 > 0:12:54And I know, I've been there.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55I used to have a weight problem.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58LAUGHTER
0:12:58 > 0:12:59I was quite hippy at one point.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Now put a bit of a kick into it, girls.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Very gently kicking the buttock,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06giving a nice stretch to the front of the thigh, there.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Connie, kick your own buttock.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:10 > 0:13:13She often joked about...
0:13:13 > 0:13:17the endless fitness regimes that we tend to put ourselves through,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19but she was quite like that, she was quite...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22concerned to maintain her own fitness,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25and she couldn't have done half the job she'd done if she hadn't.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:28 > 0:13:30DANCE MUSIC
0:13:32 > 0:13:33SHE GROANS
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Welcome to Body Conscious Fitness Facility.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Woo. I'm Pat.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I've been working at Body Conscious Fitness Facility, woo,
0:13:41 > 0:13:42for three days now.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43EXERCISE DANCE MUSIC STARTS Oh!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:53I think fitness instructors must have deeply irritated Vic,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55and that's why it came out.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57She was actually very fit herself.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I mean, she did... I remember when we first got together
0:13:59 > 0:14:02she used to do 50 lengths at the baths, you know, no trouble.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03And I was...
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Getting out and having a fag.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09Anyway, just got to tell you I've never actually done this aero...
0:14:09 > 0:14:10aerobics class before.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13In fact, I've never done any aerobics class before.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Well, I've never done any exercise before.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Because up until three days ago,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I was working in a bakery,
0:14:19 > 0:14:20on the sandwich counter.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23But as I said to Marilyn, you know, I'm quite strong,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25cos of, like, bringing in the bread.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28And I'm quite flexible cos of, like, reaching forwards for the tomatoes,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30and twisting round for the margarine.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Tomatoes.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Margarine.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Tuna and sweetcorn.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Paper bags.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Try it!
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Tomatoes.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Margarine. Tuna and sweetcorn.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Paper bags. Tomatoes, margarine,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45tuna and sweetcorn, paper bags!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46APPLAUSE
0:14:48 > 0:14:52To see this person standing up there
0:14:52 > 0:14:55making 5,000 people scream with laughter,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57how rare is that?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Physically, she knew what to do to be funny, didn't she?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:05OK, get ready to step now. Get in time with the music, now.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Get in time with the music. Leading with the right.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Get in time with the music. On the beat.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Now counting down - four, three,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16four, three, four, three.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Four, three, two, now.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Yeah!
0:15:27 > 0:15:31AUDIENCE CLAPS IN RHYTHM
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Big step.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43High impact. Woo!
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Woo!
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Woo!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Oh, God. That's enough of that.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Ten minutes, half my ovaries will have feel out or summat.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Back leg lift. Woo!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Bow and arrow.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Now, pull up here, girls. Woo!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Pelvic muscles.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Very important muscles.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Won't help you giving birth,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20but they might stop you pissing yourself at christening.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28One of the funniest sketches on As Seen On TV
0:16:28 > 0:16:32was when Acorn Antiques turned into a health spa,
0:16:32 > 0:16:33and it was never explained.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Here we are, a nice tray of decaffeinated coffee,
0:16:40 > 0:16:45- low-fat milk and sugar-free sugar. - Goodness, how healthy.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- I enjoyed myself. - And how was the aerobics class?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Oh, I enjoyed myself.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53I had this leotard, which obviously didn't fit marvellously
0:16:53 > 0:16:54because it was Mrs Overall,
0:16:54 > 0:16:59and it was a bit like a size 20 or something, and Vic...
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I think it was Vic that didn't want other people to see me -
0:17:01 > 0:17:03she'd seen it - because it was funny...
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Well, we thought it was funny.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I don't know whether people would find it funny now
0:17:07 > 0:17:08but we thought it was hilarious.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13When she walked on with that concertina...
0:17:15 > 0:17:17..around the top of her legs,
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I just was gone.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I mean, I've never been so tense anywhere.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Try and... Now, that... Well, you can see who's laughing there.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31A supportive brassiere to prevent chafing and plenty of
0:17:31 > 0:17:35individual attention from a qualified instructor.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It was a bit like laughing in church because, of course,
0:17:37 > 0:17:42we were so slammed together, me and Vic and Duncan,
0:17:42 > 0:17:43and we could feel each other...
0:17:46 > 0:17:47..vibrating with laughter.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I think I'll go for a ten-mile bicycle ride.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Well, don't forget your fluorescent clothing and protective headgear.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- I won't!- And, Berta...- Uh-huh?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Oh, nothing, it doesn't matter.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- Now look, you two, this isn't very easy to say...- I knew it!
0:18:02 > 0:18:05The mysterious man in the bins lurking by the binoculars,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08it's Trixie's twin cousin, isn't it?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12They'll not rest until Acorn Antiques Leisure Centre
0:18:12 > 0:18:15And Sunbed Centre has been closed down.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25So you've lost a few pounds and started eating healthily.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27What does society want next?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Oh, I know, your look.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33You need to get your wardrobe sorted out and put a bit of slap on.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34That's enough now.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Welcome to the world of Sacharelle.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43APPLAUSE
0:18:47 > 0:18:49This is Madeline speaking.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56I'm over by the escalators between the health bar and the toothpaste.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Wendy and myself are just about to give a demonstration of Sacharelle's
0:19:00 > 0:19:04new autumn range of cosmetics and skin care preparations.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08If any lady would care to step up to the Sacharelle counter,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10that's right by the escalators
0:19:10 > 0:19:12between the health bar and the toothpaste.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Wendy will be very happy to give that lady a free make-up.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20And I must stress that it is free, totally free of charge whichsoever.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Of course, any lady or gentleman wishing to purchase from
0:19:26 > 0:19:31the new Sacharelle range, we have a special offer on special offer -
0:19:31 > 0:19:36a free gift coming to you free with any purchase worth £36 or more.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Free gift comprising of suede-effect pochette...
0:19:42 > 0:19:46..packed to the drawstring with handy-size oddments -
0:19:46 > 0:19:48total in-mouth blot, eye wipe
0:19:48 > 0:19:50and shimmering cleavage enhancer.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55So, don't be bashful, ladies,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57all the Sacharelle sales assistants are fully qualified
0:19:57 > 0:20:00in all aspects of make-up and beauty therapy, on the top of which,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Wendy comes to us with a diploma from the Geneva School of
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Sterilised Black Head Popping.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12So if any ladies requiring a special look,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14perhaps for an evening out...
0:20:15 > 0:20:18..just for the sheer heck of it, then immerse yourselves in Wendy's
0:20:18 > 0:20:23capable hands and experience the true magic that is Sacharelle.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Hello, Marjorie, you've been looking into the ancient
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and fascinating Japanese art of bonsai, haven't you?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Hello, Joan, that's right.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36With summer fast approaching, we all need to know how to
0:20:36 > 0:20:39tan our bodies quickly, but more importantly, safely.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Well, I'm glad you asked me that, Joan, because as you can see,
0:20:47 > 0:20:51there is a bewildering array of tanning products on the market.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52I'll just show you.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- What happened to bonsai?- Scrapped. - Oh.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01So if you want to get a nice brown tan without burning,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03how do we go about it, Marjorie?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06The golden rule, Joan, is, build up gradually.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08First two weeks of your holiday,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10stay in your hotel room with a hat and a pullover.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14And if you've got an old maxi coat left over from the early '70s,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16wear that too.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19And if I'm 16 or 17 and have never seen a maxi coat...
0:21:19 > 0:21:20If you're 16 or 17,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23my advice is stay at home and get those qualifications.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27So, to sum up, first two weeks in your room,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30followed by three or four weeks in a full-length dressing gown,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33opening the lapels for a minute or two every other day.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38Never forget, you can still get a nasty sunburn even at night.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41And what about holiday diarrhoea, Marjorie?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I'm still getting it every 20 minutes, Joan.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Of course, no look would be complete without some new footwear,
0:21:49 > 0:21:53and so to one of Vic's most famous sketches, it's Shoe Shop.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Hello, there's a pair of shoes in the window.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Yes, that's right, we do that because it's a shoe shop.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04They're a black lace-up, 15.99.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Are they?- Yes. Can I try them on?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- On your feet?- Yes.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11All right! Why not?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- No, sorry, sorry, the black ones. They're a flat lace-up.- Beg pardon?
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Well, those aren't flat.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Flatter now.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Yes, but they're red.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Yes, they are quite red, aren't they?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Well, I want a black pair. - I know.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I can never get what I want when I go shopping.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I remember the Monday coming in and her saying,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"Well, I don't know whether this is going to work."
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Because it was so potty, we never knew whether it would or not.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I can remember the first night we did it in front of the audience,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59and they just went mad.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03It made me go madder, smashing through the window and all.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04It was just heaven.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- They're in the window!- Are they?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Out, out, out!
0:23:13 > 0:23:17We think we've got hens in the skirting board.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20We've had droppings by the pop socks.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Well, I think they're droppings.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Mrs Brinsley says they're Janine's liquorice all sorts
0:23:25 > 0:23:28because she won't eat the black ones.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- What is it you wanted? - Well, I want the black ones.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32No, they've been swept up.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35You don't think someone might come in
0:23:35 > 0:23:37asking for hen droppings in a shoe shop!
0:23:37 > 0:23:40It's quite interesting that Victoria Wood would be
0:23:40 > 0:23:45so generous as to give Julie the more interesting part
0:23:45 > 0:23:49and sit back and play the straight woman, almost.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Can I try on the black lace-ups in the window?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Well, you can, but everyone in the street will be able to see you.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Can you bring them in my size and I'll try them on here?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Oh, all right, we're not busy. - I'm 5.5.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06You're very tall. Do you take vitamins?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11My shoe size is 5.5! Do you have the black shoes in that size?
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- Yes, we might have. - Well, can you go in the stock room?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Yes, I can go anywhere here!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Toilets, back yard, they're very free and easy.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22# Look at me
0:24:22 > 0:24:26# I'm as helpless as a kitten. #
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- Are these the ones?- Yes. - Yes, I don't like them.- What?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Well, I know this woman, she had a pair,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38she got knocked down by an industrial tribunal.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39They're a bit tight.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Uh, Janine, can I borrow your shoehorn, please?
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Thank you.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47That's better.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50What is it you were saying?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I was saying they're too small.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Oh, you're like me, broad-footed.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58And are you a Taurus who can't stick cabbage?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- No.- Well, you're not like me, then!
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Look, I'm sorry, but I think you ought to go.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07They don't like me sitting down, talking during shop hours.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- I'd like to try these in a bigger size.- No!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I'm in enough trouble as it is.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I mean, you come in here asking for hen droppings,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17you want to get changed in the window...
0:25:17 > 0:25:20This is a shoe shop, not a soft porn video merchant's!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22And I should know, because my husband runs one.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Well, he's not my husband,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27but he rubbed up against me in a sports jacket, so he's as good as.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37So, there you have it, that was our friend Victoria.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Now, let's end on something special.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42A song.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43And this is one of my favourites.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48# Evening, girls, what is it? Double scallops
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- # Jumbo sausage - Nuggets
0:25:50 > 0:25:51- # Cod - Or skate?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52# No chips
0:25:52 > 0:25:54# Ah! Total eclipse
0:25:54 > 0:25:55# Unless you wait
0:25:55 > 0:25:57# Yeah, that's great
0:25:57 > 0:25:59# At the chippy we say yippee
0:25:59 > 0:26:02# And the pies will never make you gippy
0:26:02 > 0:26:07# And you won't regurgitate
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# Really great
0:26:11 > 0:26:12- # Evening - Evening
0:26:12 > 0:26:13- # Evening - Evening
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- # Not so bad? - The weather?
0:26:15 > 0:26:16- # Could be worse - That's right
0:26:16 > 0:26:17# Can we have a bulletin?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- # The fat is hot - The chips are in
0:26:19 > 0:26:25# We're going great
0:26:25 > 0:26:26# It's great
0:26:26 > 0:26:28# The atmosphere is really hotting up now
0:26:28 > 0:26:29# That's right
0:26:29 > 0:26:31# The smell of chips begins to permeate
0:26:31 > 0:26:32- # Meate - It's an event
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- # Give me that non-brewed condiment - Now just wait
0:26:35 > 0:26:36# Yeah, that's great
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# At the chippy we go skippy
0:26:39 > 0:26:40# Whoops
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# The grease does make the lino slippy
0:26:42 > 0:26:46# But we have to celebrate
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# Cos it's so great
0:26:49 > 0:26:50# Really great
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- # We're here - Here
0:26:52 > 0:26:53- # Today - Today
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# From at least three streets away
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# We come flying when you're frying
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- # Steady, Eddie - Chips are ready!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# At the chippy you go dippy
0:27:04 > 0:27:05# Burn your tongue
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# Get grease all round your lippy
0:27:07 > 0:27:12# But it won't exasperate
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# Visit the chippy when it's nippy
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# And you just can't face a Mr Whippy
0:27:18 > 0:27:22# And you will appreciate
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# The chippy's great
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- # Just breathing in could make you hyperventilate - It's great
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- # Chips and Vimto, I could drink it by the crate - It's great
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- # Daily Mirror's so much nicer than a plate - It's great
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# Bugger yoghurt, I think chips rejuvenate
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# How can you hesitate?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37# Does it make you salivate?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# How can we accentuate the fact we don't exaggerate?
0:27:40 > 0:27:46# The chippy's great! #
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Do you want to examine me, then, Doctor?
0:28:28 > 0:28:31No, thank you, I had enough cold meat at lunchtime.