0:00:03 > 0:00:08She was one of the top, top, top comedians of the last 50 years.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11I wouldn't be an adolescent again, if you bumped my pocket money up to
0:00:11 > 0:00:13three and six.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17I've never met or worked with anyone that's remotely like Victoria.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19He fell about laughing like this.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24I could see all the cheese and onion crisps in his fillings.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Vic was inspirational. There was no-one like her.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Only the thought of her macaroons have kept me going.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Funny, genius, unique.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36- Are you all right, Bren? Did you get any?- Any sex?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38No, I had to go to the launderette.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41She was one of us.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43And we wanted to have her as a friend.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I cut my leg last month on a mantrap that someone had left out.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49It's a beautifully crafted piece of farm machinery.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51If you ever get the chance, pop your leg in one.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Will there ever be another?
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Doubt it.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Hello, I'm Reece Shearsmith. - I'm Steve Pemberton.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09And I'm Mark Gatiss.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12One of the first things that bonded us when we were students
0:01:12 > 0:01:15in Yorkshire was our shared love of Victoria Wood.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18We first met Vic at the Television Festival in Montreux,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20where she was picking up an award for Dinnerladies.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23And I remember immediately going up to her and saying,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25"Hi, how are you?" as if we were old friends.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Of course, none of us had ever met her before,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30but that was part of her appeal. We felt like she was our friend,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32even though we'd only ever seen her on TV.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39And so, we're delighted to get together to present this programme.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42A celebration of the finest work of our friend.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Victoria.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Vic was a proper telly addict.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49She'd watch anything and everything.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52In fact, the worse the programmes were, the more she enjoyed them.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55She laughed at the sheer nonsense of it all.
0:01:55 > 0:02:00So tonight, we're looking at Vic's take on television.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I mean, look at television. Well, you ARE looking. Never mind.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13What I mean is, years ago, we used to be watching big, solid programmes
0:02:13 > 0:02:15like The Forsyte Saga and Life On Earth.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Now the only things people like are the adverts and the soap operas.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I mean, it's coming to something when the whole nation tunes in
0:02:21 > 0:02:24to see whether the boy from the Oxo commercial has passed his exams.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29And video.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I mean, years ago, if your favourite programme was on and you had
0:02:32 > 0:02:34to go out, you missed it. Now you can preset your date,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37your time and your channel, go out, come back,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40and watch half a Czechoslovakian cartoon and a recipe.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45And remote control. I mean, it's so easy to change channels.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46You can do it without even noticing.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50I leant on mine once and thought Gorbachev had won the 3-2-1 holiday.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54She realised how powerful television was.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Cos it was powerful for her, so she knew...
0:02:56 > 0:03:00It's in your home. You know, it's there, accessible, all the time.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02And people are addicted to it.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Well, especially before social media,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06they REALLY were addicted to it.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09So it was very powerful and important
0:03:09 > 0:03:10as a form of entertainment.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15If this show is all about telly and laughing at it,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17then why don't we tune in to a typical day of telly
0:03:17 > 0:03:21from Vic's unique perspective? Let's start with a cup of tea,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24a slice of toast and a bit of breakfast TV.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Good morning. Welcome to day one of our regional breakfast time
0:03:32 > 0:03:36experiment. I don't know what sort of morning YOU are having,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39but I got up at 3:30am and travelled to work in a bus full of
0:03:39 > 0:03:42chain-smoking navvies. It's now 6:35am.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I can't take my rollers out before seven o'clock.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49But, of course, my loyalty to the company means I will wholeheartedly
0:03:49 > 0:03:53co-operate with this innovative and, in my opinion, loopy scheme.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Good morning.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57She cannibalised TV to then...
0:03:59 > 0:04:01..do her sketches.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03And that is part and parcel of how she was,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I think, why she was so successful,
0:04:05 > 0:04:10because you recognised all the people that she was...skewering.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Good morning.- Hi, there. - I'm Sally Cumbernauld.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13This is Martin Crosthwaite.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- How are you? - Oh, chipping in already!
0:04:19 > 0:04:24No, I love him. Don't be fooled by the names - we are married.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27We certainly are. And welcome to the start of a brand-new programme.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29BBC One's All Day Breakfast.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Yes, we'll be on air right from breakfast time...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- ..all through the day. - Oh, bedtime at least.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36So you'd better get used to our ugly mugs, cos you're going to see
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- a lot of us. - Oh! Speak for yourself!
0:04:39 > 0:04:40No, I love him.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Well, we have tonnes of stuff lined up for you.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I'll be talking to Lulu about how a revolutionary new treatment has
0:04:47 > 0:04:48brought hope to literally thousands
0:04:48 > 0:04:50of sufferers from split ends.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52And I'll be discussing with no embarrassment at all,
0:04:52 > 0:04:57female problems, such as wonky wombs and faulty fallopians. Can't wait.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05We did do, yeah, spoof chat shows or morning television.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11Loosely based on Richard and Judy and things like that.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Do you know, I used to do that just as well as I possibly could.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I wasn't acting. It was really just trying to do it.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I thought, "I might have a little job here when I finish here."
0:05:22 > 0:05:24And so I did it my very best!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27We'll be keeping you up-to-date on the weather and the stock market.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30And Mavis Nicholson will be phoning in from those Welsh borders
0:05:30 > 0:05:32with all the latest calorie values.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- So stick around. - So that's coming up.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Meanwhile, it's exercise time with our very own Jolly Polly.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41And something a bit new from the BBC - hope you like it, we do -
0:05:41 > 0:05:43a commercial break.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Because you are a woman.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Because you wear beautiful things.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Because you like to feel safe, whatever you're wearing.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Because even pretty girls have...cycles.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Bicycle clips for women.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Hello. Want to wear a bra, but you don't want to wear a woman's bra?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Just For Men acts like a woman's bra,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29but feels and looks totally masculine.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32New wide-apart straps keep clear of collar and tie,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34and snap-proof banding means it won't ride up
0:06:34 > 0:06:37during competitive sport or locker-room horseplay.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Just For Men. The bra that's wasted on women.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45We asked you what you wanted in a detergent.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I'd like it to get clothes REALLY clean without fading today's
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- snazzy colours.- I'd like it to digest repellent fat stains,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54even at low, low temperatures.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I'd like it to remove sweaty stenches that embarrass me
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- when I'm ironing.- Anything else?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Yes. Because we care about the environment...
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Yes?- We'd like it to be in a green box.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16If you are lucky enough to be at home all day,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18then why not watch daytime TV?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Daytime TV is a bit like an out-of-town shopping centre,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24packed full of things that you think you might need, but actually,
0:07:24 > 0:07:25- you don't really want.- Nevertheless,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29it provided Vic with a rich seam from which to mine her comedy.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32We'll have more needlework hints next week,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34when Philippa will be showing us how to stitch up the mouth
0:07:34 > 0:07:37of a talkative friend or relative. And now, as usual, on Fridays,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40it's over to Marjorie to see what sort of week SHE'S been having.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Hello, Marjorie. What sort of week have you been having?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Well, hello, Joan. I've been having a VERY hectic time.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50On Monday, my husband and I tiled the bathroom. More of that later.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52And on Tuesday, we filed for divorce.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55So, do you think you might follow the trend, Marjorie,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57of the rather worn-out, middle-aged woman
0:07:57 > 0:07:59shacking up with the much-younger man?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Well, it's certainly worth looking into, Joan.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05One of the things I do like about young men
0:08:05 > 0:08:06is that they tend not to wear pyjamas.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08By pyjamas, you mean nightwear generally?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Yes, and striped garments in particular.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Yes, because I know from our postbag, Marjorie,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17a lot of our viewers find folding pyjamas quite an arduous task.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21That's right, Joan. Often leading to lower back pain, depression,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24dependence on tranquillising drugs
0:08:24 > 0:08:26and sadly, alas, to suicide.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Gosh.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It's the hidden depths of it.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37Yes, the layers underneath that are so cleverly written into it,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40that they really hate one another, that's right.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42And it's gorgeous, isn't it?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44You're waiting for it to come out.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"Please will you move away? Your breath smells."
0:08:47 > 0:08:49You've also been looking at double glazing, haven't you, Marjorie?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51CHEAP double glazing, Joan.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53With the emphasis on the cheap, rather than the glazing.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- Absolutely.- So, in effect, we don't have to spend £3,000,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59£4,000 or £5,000 keeping our homes draught-free.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- No. So... - So, how do we go about it?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I'm sorry. Could you just move away? Your breath smells. Thanks.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Awful, patronising and middle-class, basically.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13The sort of women she would loathe.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Marjorie and I are heading for the three-star Clifftop Hotel,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20where single people of all sexes are hoping for
0:09:20 > 0:09:22sun, fun and a little bit of mountaineering.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Well, a bumpy five-hour drive on badly tarmacked B roads
0:09:30 > 0:09:34wouldn't suit everybody, but we're both raring to pick up our bags
0:09:34 > 0:09:36and get going.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41The blue Samsonite, please.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44No, that's the lot. Sorry.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Well, after a few of the hotel's speciality cocktails,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56the ice is well and truly broken.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Everyone's having a marvellous time!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Over to you, Marjorie. Cheers.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06You don't need to phone your wife.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Come on!
0:10:08 > 0:10:1142 in April and no bra. Not bad, eh?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17And I might try that later in the week.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Now it's off to bed because, believe you me,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22tomorrow is to be a VERY full day.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Well, this is the highlight of the holiday, as far as I'm concerned.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30A two-day course in simple mountaineering.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33It is a marvellous way for single people to get to know one another,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35because in a life-and-death situation like this,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38you are totally dependent on your climbing partner.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Marjorie? I'm coming up.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42OK.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45If Marjorie were to let her concentration lapse
0:10:45 > 0:10:48for just one second, I could literally...
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Well...
0:10:55 > 0:10:57That's it. Happy holidays.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Bye!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02When are they taking the pins out?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- They're not.- Bad luck.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14And so, now to our early-evening TV viewings.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16You've just come in from work, tea is on the go,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18so why not put your feet up and relax?
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Indulge yourself in the glut of soap operas that are on offer -
0:11:22 > 0:11:25or, as they call them nowadays, continuing dramas.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And now it's time for our serial, Acorn Antiques.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31And or those of you living outside the London area,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34who probably aren't very intelligent and can't remember the plot,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36let me just remind you that last week
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Babs received a mysterious visitor,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Mrs Overall came out of hospital,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44and Mr Kenneth went on a secret trip into Manchesterford.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Oh, I beg your pardon. That was the previous week.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54The fact is, Mrs O,
0:11:54 > 0:11:59my life seems completely grey, bleak and pointless.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Well, yes. Sometimes that's God's way
0:12:02 > 0:12:04of getting you to enjoy Gardeners' World.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13You're smiling - things can't be all that bad.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Oh, bloody Nora!
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Oh, no you're not. Oh, Mr Clifford, what shocking news.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Well...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I finally winkled it out of him, Miss Babs.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28And it took some winkling.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Don't say any more, Mrs O. The baby alarm was on
0:12:30 > 0:12:32in the antiques packing department.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Berta and I heard the whole darn thing.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:12:39 > 0:12:41With Acorn Antiques,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45everyone knows that it was based on a certain soap opera called
0:12:45 > 0:12:51Crossroads. The moving scenery, the slightly bad cues,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53everybody getting it slightly wrong, the camera shots,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55the boom mic in shot.
0:12:55 > 0:13:02And having been in that particular soap opera myself for real,
0:13:02 > 0:13:06in the early '80s, I think Victoria loved that.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09And she used to love my stories about Crossroads.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Hello, Mrs O. I thought I'd bring my OWN coffee cup down today.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17You know, it still tastes a little bit odd.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18What sort of little bit odd?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Oh, I don't know. Almost as if someone was trying to kill me.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Oh! You are an old silly Billy.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- (Get back!)- Well, you see, I am a majority shareholder
0:13:29 > 0:13:32in Acorn Antiques since Berta's amnesia. If I were to die,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35that would certainly suit cousin Jerez.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38There's been a new development over Berta's father's will.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42A new one has been found, dated the day he died.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Who's the sole beneficiary now?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47That's the problem.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It's a little redhead he met in the blackout in 1943.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54They had one night of passion and he never saw her again.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Excuse me, Miss Babs and Miss Berta, can I have a word?
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Well, if it's to ask me for another job for your untrustworthy cousin,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05then the answer is no.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09His last little escapade cost me £32 in French polish,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13not to mention apologising to every Asian grocer between here and
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- Manchesterford.- No, it's not that.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17It's your father, Miss Berta.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20He's been seen in the Post Office.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21My father's dead.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23It was done quite seriously.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26The secret was we never, ever did it in front of an audience.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29So maybe we didn't know
0:14:29 > 0:14:31quite how funny it was.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Certainly the cameramen didn't know,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36because they were mystified
0:14:36 > 0:14:40as to why we were banging into the furniture,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43and I was putting the phone down and it was still ringing.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I must be Miss Berta's twin brother, then, Miss Babs.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Yes, run along and tell her, Derek!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Oh, it's been a...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Both talking at the same time there, Mrs O.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- BABS CLEARS HER THROAT - Oh, I was just going to say
0:15:03 > 0:15:06somebody better answer that phone.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- PHONE STARTS RINGING - I suppose I better answer it.
0:15:08 > 0:15:13YOU answer it and I'll get you a nice cup of...hot cup of coffee.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14You don't have to.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17After all, you are the sole proprietor of Acorn Antiques now.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Hello?
0:15:19 > 0:15:20There's definitely nobody I know
0:15:20 > 0:15:23who didn't find Acorn Antiques funny.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25And you go, "Well, what was it?"
0:15:25 > 0:15:28And it was just the chemistry of all of those characters, I think,
0:15:28 > 0:15:33you know? And because it was again, you know, a mick take of, you know,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35the Crossroads type programme, daytime soaps, you know,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38with wobbly furniture and, you know, bad acting,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41but it was just pitch perfect.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43APPLAUSE
0:15:43 > 0:15:46And sadly I've given up on Crossroads, I'm afraid,
0:15:46 > 0:15:47since Miss Diane died.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49That was very upsetting.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52She lost the will to live, apparently.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Mind you, if I'd been in Crossroads for 20 years,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I'd have lost the will to live!
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And I got very confused when people from The Archers
0:15:59 > 0:16:01started turning up in Crossroads. And I thought,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04would it be a good idea if everybody from Crossroads
0:16:04 > 0:16:05turned up in EastEnders?
0:16:05 > 0:16:06No, not everybody - just Benny.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08That would be good.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09But he wouldn't have to say anything,
0:16:09 > 0:16:13he could just sit in Pat Beale's cleavage with his hat on, smiling.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I've got a friend who watches television all day,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20right from Wincey Willis via That's My Dog,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23down to the Open University things about germs.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25And I said to her, "Do you think television has killed
0:16:25 > 0:16:27"the art of conversation?"
0:16:27 > 0:16:29She said, "Erm..."
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Talk about killing the art of conversation -
0:16:34 > 0:16:37look at those two, watching catch-up TV on their Smartphones.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41But there was one more soap filled with chatter that Vic loved,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43and she couldn't help having a laugh at that, either.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46MUSIC: Theme from Coronation Street
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Oh, thank you, Ena. And good health, everybody.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06I'll give you good health, Minnie Caldwell.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Ooh, Ena, I'm sure I never meant...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12You never do mean, Minnie Caldwell, so think on and look sharp.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Sup up and shut up.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I've heard enough skriking in this bug hutch to last me
0:17:17 > 0:17:20from Weatherfield Viaduct to Whit-week Walk.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22It's a lovely milk stout, Ena.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25By the thump, Minnie Caldwell, you take the barm cake, you do!
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Oh, leave her be, Ena Sharples, you've a chip on your shoulder
0:17:28 > 0:17:31that big, Jackson's Chippy couldn't come up with t'vinegar.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Put a pikelet in it, Martha Longhurst,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35and you might hear something to your own advantage.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Happen I might, Ena Sharples.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- What's to do? - Oh, yes, Ena, what's to do?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Well, I keep my trap shut and my lug 'oles open - unlike some folk
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I could mention, and you can pick up some very interesting conversations
0:17:47 > 0:17:49if you keep your hairnet jammed up against t'vestry wall.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51By 'eck, Ena Sharples,
0:17:51 > 0:17:55you weren't behind t'mangle when they handed out stair rods.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Ooh, Ena. What have you heard?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01That stuck-up Ida Barlow, who's no better than she should be,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03it'll be not too long before she falls under a bus.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Harry Hewitt'll likely get crushed under the axle of his own van,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10and as for Valerie Barlow, and if this isn't the judgment for setting
0:18:10 > 0:18:13herself up in her own front parlour as a so-called hair stylist,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16then my name's not Ena Sharples. From what I hear, it's two clogs to
0:18:16 > 0:18:19a thrupenny bit she'll electrocute herself with her own hairdryer.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22But what about the poor little twins, Ena?
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Their Peter and their Susan?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Off up to Scotland. Coming back after 20 years,
0:18:26 > 0:18:27without so much as a Scottish accent.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Oh, that is nice. I must tell my Bobby.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Is that all?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36All, Martha Longhurst? I should think it is all.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I can't stand round listening to gossip all day like some folk.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I've clinkers to riddle and pots to scythe.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Did you not hear nowt about me?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Happen I did, Martha Longhurst,
0:18:44 > 0:18:48and happen I didn't. But I tell you one thing,
0:18:48 > 0:18:49you won't be wanting this.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02It's late evening now. Shall we stay up and watch a bit of reality TV?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05A documentary? That's what Victoria obviously did,
0:19:05 > 0:19:10because she made the most perfect pastiches of those programmes too.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15How are you feeling? Very mixed, basically.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17A little bit schizoid.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Do you think this talent show is crucial?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Never mind crucial - it's bloody important.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- Make or break? - Make or break, spot-on.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Win or lose, double or quits,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28que sera sera, Three Coins In A Fountain,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Bachelor Boy, this is it.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Do you WANT to be a star?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I've got the perm, I've got the suit.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I've got the same vinyl flooring as Felicity Kendal.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Why should some other bastard pick up 40 grand
0:19:39 > 0:19:41for advertising microwave ovens?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44What she managed to do with pastiche
0:19:44 > 0:19:49is to talk about something that IS about being in the world of telly,
0:19:49 > 0:19:54being successful, being rich and famous,
0:19:54 > 0:19:59but still keeping something that is universal about it,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03and that ordinary people can connect to.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08So that you felt it was authentic and genuine and funny and sad.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Are you VERY nervous?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Yeah.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15It's a bit like drowning.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16They're all passing before my eyes.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18What are?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19All my previous hairstyles.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Just a reminder about our postal votes...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24So what went wrong?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27It was the lights.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29They're just so bloody hot, you know.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32After a couple of minutes in that heat, I knew I was losing it.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- I could feel it going. - What was going?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38The delivery? The rapport with the audience?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40No, the bloody perm.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44It's heartbreaking.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51So who DID win Star Search, and have you found your star?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Oh, I think so. I've just been telling her.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57She'll have to shave her legs!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01They were really well done, those mini documentaries,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05and I can't think of anyone who did that before her.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07May I ask what you're doing here?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09We've come about the test-tube babies and that.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11We want a test tube baby.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Why - are there problems?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16We've only got a maisonette so a little tiny test-tube...
0:21:16 > 0:21:20No, they grow to a normal size - they're conceived in the test-tube.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24We'll never both fit in.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- How you getting on? - We've been having tests.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Fertility?- For something - I don't know if it was tility.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I had to go in a bathroom with a sexy sort of magazine.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- How did you get on? - I could read MOST of it.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- What happened in the end? - We didn't get one.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47- You didn't get what?- A baby.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50They said we had to wait nine months or something.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51The things they wanted us to do...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Sections of intercost or something.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- It was horrible. - Well, everybody does it, you know.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00They don't! Come on.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Go on, get out of it, you woolly article.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11You've only got to look at things like The Office,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13and people now, big series were made out of them,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16but she was doing those right, right at the beginning,
0:22:16 > 0:22:17those sort of reality...
0:22:17 > 0:22:21You know, they were sort of mock, fly-on-the-wall things that she did,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24that now, you know, we've unfortunately got channels
0:22:24 > 0:22:26stuffed full of them now, haven't we?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30And now BBC Braindead continues with more of Stacey Leanne's exploits
0:22:30 > 0:22:32on that luxury liner.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Oh, I can't believe it's the last night of the cruise tonight.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I'm filling up now, just thinking about it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38- KNOCK AT DOOR - Are you decent?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Oh, you're ten years too late. Whacky sense of humour.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- You're rushing. Take your time. - I know what it is.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Come on.- So here we go.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Are you ready? OK, so it goes, announcement, spotlight, on I come.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52# La-da-da-daaa. #
0:22:52 > 0:22:55No, it's spotlight, announcement, on you come.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57What am I like? It is only 2.00 in the afternoon
0:22:57 > 0:22:59and I'm already doolally, she cried. Let me just check,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- you're wearing your gold... - My white DJ, yes.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04You're going to look gorgeous. No, he looks gorgeous anyway, don't he?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06No, I love him, she lied. No, I'm only kidding.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Come in, Paul.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Seen it all before anyway. We had a bit of a drunken fumble, didn't we,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Boxing night? Anyway, the baps are back in the bread bin now.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Not coming out till New Year - promises, promises.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Ooh, is that the gel in my full spot?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Yes.- I don't like it, Paul, I'm sorry, but I don't.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I think Pete's gone on his break now.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Do you want me to go up and change it?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Oh, would you? Ain't he gorgeous?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29In fact, could you just nip up and change the whole thing, do you mind?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- No.- Could you just make it more razzmatazzy?- Yes.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- More showbiz-y.- Fine. - Warmer, more northern.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Oh, bless him.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Just tell you, I'm sure he won't mind me mentioning this, she added,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41he took an overdose the other week. It was really upsetting,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43cos it was one of those days when you weren't here.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45There's me walking him round the deck in stilettos,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48nobody filming it. Are you there? Can you just start with the one
0:23:48 > 0:23:49on the end? Can you reach it?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51CRASH!
0:23:51 > 0:23:52I'll just wait till he gets back up.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Look. Have a look at these. Look. £3.99 Keighley Market.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Can you see? Look, treble clef, cos I'm musical.- Half an hour, Stacey.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Oh, are you all right?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01You know, he fell off the lighting rig this afternoon.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04There's me trying to get the lighting right, he's screaming
0:24:04 > 0:24:07in agony, apparently. I never even noticed, I'm so professional.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08I'm sorry, but I am.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11He won't mind me telling you, hurt his testicles apparently. Not nice.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I wouldn't know, not being a man -
0:24:14 > 0:24:15yet, she added madly.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- Have a good show.- Oh, what a lovely thing to say,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I'm filling up again now.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22No, carry on filming.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30ALL: So there you have it, that was our friend Victoria
0:24:30 > 0:24:32and her take on TV.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Should we end on a song? - We end on a song.- We end on a song!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- All right.- Cos I looked away.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- Again.- So there you have it.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44That was our friend Victoria and her take on TV.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Shall we end on a song?
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Well, yes, I think we should.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Not us. Victoria.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53APPLAUSE
0:24:59 > 0:25:01# We're off in a charrie from Ratcliffe
0:25:01 > 0:25:02- # Marie and... - Clary...
0:25:02 > 0:25:03# And Min
0:25:03 > 0:25:07# Out for a day at the seaside, where do we begin?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10# Ian McCaskill the weatherman had said it would be fine
0:25:10 > 0:25:14# It started out quite cloudy, then the sun began to shine
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- # So I had a cornet... - And I had a wafer...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# And I had a 99
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# And I think I've dropped some Flake behind me vest
0:25:21 > 0:25:22# Oh, Min!
0:25:22 > 0:25:26# We went around the waxworks, we should have saved our brass
0:25:26 > 0:25:28# One of the dummies was label-less
0:25:28 > 0:25:30# We pushed her through the glass
0:25:30 > 0:25:32# It could have been Bishop Makarios
0:25:32 > 0:25:33# It could have been Alfie Bass
0:25:33 > 0:25:36# But now we're doing what we like the best
0:25:37 > 0:25:41# Which is sitting on the prom, showing a lot of bum
0:25:41 > 0:25:45# And giving the passers-by a fine display
0:25:45 > 0:25:47# Of knicker lace and winceyette
0:25:47 > 0:25:49# As the sun begins to set
0:25:49 > 0:25:52# At the end of a lovely day
0:25:55 > 0:25:58# We've paddled and been on the donkeys, Marie and Clary and Min
0:25:58 > 0:26:00# We passed a type of booth thing
0:26:00 > 0:26:02# Fortunes told within
0:26:02 > 0:26:04# Gypsy Petulengro
0:26:04 > 0:26:06# Genuine gypsy born
0:26:06 > 0:26:10# She had an enormous photograph of her with Frankie Vaughan
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- # So I had some cockles... - And I had some mussels
0:26:12 > 0:26:14# And I had a giant prawn
0:26:14 > 0:26:16# But I had to throw five eighths of it away
0:26:16 > 0:26:17# Oh, Min!
0:26:17 > 0:26:21# The band were playing Star Wars and bits of The King and I
0:26:21 > 0:26:23# And that terrible South Pacific
0:26:23 > 0:26:25# Heaven alone knows why
0:26:25 > 0:26:27# And they all got sick to the dentures
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# Of Valley blinkin' High
0:26:30 > 0:26:34# But now we've got the best bit of the day
0:26:34 > 0:26:36# We're oft here on the front
0:26:36 > 0:26:38# Showing, to be blunt
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# The bits that don't so often get the air
0:26:41 > 0:26:43# Bloomer legs well apart
0:26:43 > 0:26:46# Supporters from Exchange & Mart
0:26:46 > 0:26:50# And some cellular thermal wear
0:26:59 > 0:27:01# We've been in all the gift shops
0:27:01 > 0:27:02- # Marie and... - Clary...
0:27:02 > 0:27:03# And Min
0:27:03 > 0:27:07# We're totally, totally loopy for gifts for kith and kin
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# But first we had our dinner
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# We should have stuck to hake
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# We went into one of those burger dos
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# And that was a big mistake
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- # I had a burger... - And I had a burger
0:27:17 > 0:27:19# And I had a chocolate shake
0:27:19 > 0:27:21# And I sucked me froth up with me straw
0:27:21 > 0:27:22# Oh, Min!
0:27:22 > 0:27:26# We bought some quite nice coasters to match me three-piece suite
0:27:26 > 0:27:30# And a plate with Lady Di on for serving potted meat
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# And a tiny tin of laxatives, shaped like a... #
0:27:33 > 0:27:34- Min! - # Seat
0:27:34 > 0:27:39# But now we're doing what we came here for
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# We've really got it made
0:27:41 > 0:27:44# On the esplanade
0:27:44 > 0:27:48# Showing everything we've got, it's true
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# Stocking tops, suspender belts
0:27:50 > 0:27:55# Loads of gusset and bags of whelks
0:27:55 > 0:27:59# Cos there's bob-all else to do. #
0:27:59 > 0:28:02APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:34And later on, we have the British premiere
0:28:34 > 0:28:38of the rarely performed Spanish opera by Leopoldo Gutierrez.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Miseria En Una Lavanderia.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42I'm wasted here, really, aren't I?