0:00:02 > 0:00:03Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
0:00:03 > 0:00:06Ow! What part of "ow" didn't you understand?
0:00:06 > 0:00:07You didn't say stop!
0:00:07 > 0:00:10"Ow" is the equivalent of stop, isn't it, clearly?
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Clearly, you have to be more specific.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14- Mum!- Yes, Ben?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Shall I start putting up these balloons?
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Yeah, all right, but no inhaling the helium!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- SQUEAKY VOICE:- Inhaling the what? - Ben! Oh, Ben...
0:00:21 > 0:00:24- It's an inert gas, it's harmless. - You definitely said "left"!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- I meant MY left. - You didn't say "my left".
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Why would I say left from someone else's perspective? That would be madness.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- Why isn't Karen helping? - She's installed in her bedroom.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34I'm going to text her and get her down.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36That's what I hate about texting,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40it's destroying the ancient craft of shouting up the stairs.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- What is this?- That's mulled wine.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44It's great for winter parties
0:00:44 > 0:00:46and it fills the house with this lovely smell.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Yeah, and then you have to drink it.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Ben, don't eat the cocktail sausages.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55- Don't put it back!- Argh! Ow!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- You said "right a bit"! - Yes - a bit!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- That was definitely a bit. - A bit is far less that that.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02No, less than that would be a tad.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I think I've done my metatarsal.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08When I was young, we didn't have metatarsals. Just bones.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Why have we got to move this stupid thing anyway?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Because we need to create space in the living room
0:01:12 > 0:01:14for people to circulate.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Do you think it could do with more decoration?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- Erm...- God, I know that "erm".
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Well...
0:01:21 > 0:01:27I know that "well" as well. Look, it's festive and Christmassy.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30What is Christmassy about that?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33It looks like a loyalist estate.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Well, I had some bunting left over from the Jubilee.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40It's...feelgood and twenty-twelve-y.
0:01:40 > 0:01:46- Twenty-twelve-y?- Yes. It will revive the happy memories of the glorious
0:01:46 > 0:01:50summer of sport. The Olympics, Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah,
0:01:50 > 0:01:56Andy Murray, the Paralympics, everybody booing George Osborne.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It makes you feel good just thinking about it.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- I've worked out the party games. - PHONE BEEPS
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- I've put Ben in charge of entertainment.- Oh, God!
0:02:04 > 0:02:09Charades, Kim's Game, Twenty Questions and British Bulldog.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11You can't play British Bulldog at a drinks party.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13They have to put down their drinks, obviously.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Karen!
0:02:14 > 0:02:20You do not have an "opt-out", just get down here and muck in!
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Can we not just leave this in here?
0:02:21 > 0:02:26OK... No, no, cos people might want to circulate in here as well.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30No, take it upstairs. Karen! Karen, have you gone deaf?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Left a bit... Not there!
0:02:33 > 0:02:37- HAVE YOU GONE...? Oh. - TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
0:02:37 > 0:02:39"Yes, I have." Right, missy...
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Party organiser?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Yeah, I'm going to put it on my CV.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47You can't just make stuff up on your CV.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Yes, you can.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51My mate Todd said he worked as a UN peace envoy
0:02:51 > 0:02:53and Morrisons never even checked it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Karen, can you stop texting me and...?
0:02:56 > 0:03:03- Oh. Oh, no. It's another drop-out. - Hello, mate.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- 'Yeah, I'm not bad. You?' - We've lost over half our guests
0:03:06 > 0:03:08to this winter vomiting lurgy.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Maybe we should cancel, rather than fill our house
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- with potential carriers... - We are not cancelling.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16It's a vicious little bug. The Deputy Head threw up during assembly
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- and pebble-dashed half of Year 8. - This party is a chance for us
0:03:18 > 0:03:21to reach out to get to know our neighbours better.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23You know the saying - "Good fences make good neighbours."
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Pete...- Preferably topped with razor wire...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- Pete... - ..and machine-gun turrets.- Pete,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31can you go easy on the Grinch routine?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34We've all lived in this street for years, yet most of us
0:03:34 > 0:03:36are on nodding terms at best.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40When you think about what happened to poor old Mr Sanderson...
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- Yeah... No, that was sad. - He just lay there for days
0:03:48 > 0:03:50and nobody even knocked on his door,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53or... You know, this is a chance for us
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- to reach out to some neighbours... - So who is coming?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Oh, you know, just... assorted neighbours.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01And Jane.
0:04:01 > 0:04:08- Jane? You invited Jane? - Yes, I did. Yes. But she can't come.
0:04:08 > 0:04:14- She's texted to say she's down with the lurgy.- Oh, no. Really?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Yeah, you might want to go for another take on that one.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21She sounded very low and I thought it was only right to invite her.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Absolutely. Still, she can't make it, shame.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Ben, have you done that sign for the toilet door,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32warning people about the dodgy door handle?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Yeah, see? "Danger". And I've drawn a funny picture as well.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38What is it?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's a toilet with teeth.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Oh, erm, Jake, when the party starts,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- you will stay and be sociable, won't you?- I'm going out with my mates.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50But you'll stay for a while?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Yeah, obviously. How long is a while?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- An hour?- I was thinking maybe more like twenty minutes.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Fifty.- That's still an hour, really, isn't it?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Forty-five. - Thirty.- No, forty-five.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Mum, come on. I'm already missing the pre-lash.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Pre-lash?- Yeah, you know, it's like the lash before the main lash.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Forty.- Thirty-five. - Thirty-eight.- Done.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- Come on!- Yes, all right!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Careful! It's like watching the Chuckle Brothers.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Ow, ow! - You need to be more specific.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Stop, then!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Oh, first of Mum's surprise guests, perhaps. Who could it be, I wonder?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Robert Mugabe? Abu Hamza?
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Joey Barton?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Oh. Hi, Mum.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Hello, Peter.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43It's quite cold out here.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, sorry, come in. Come in.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- Hi, Jake.- Hi, Gran.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53We, erm... We weren't expecting you.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Well, I was just passing by
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and I thought I'd drop off the kids' presents.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- You having a clear-out? - We're having a party.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Well, not really a party, as such,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07it's more of a... more of a gathering.
0:06:09 > 0:06:14We would have invited you, but it's a neighbours-only gathering.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15For neighbours, you know.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Sue's trying to promote a sense of community.
0:06:19 > 0:06:25- A sense of community? - Yeah, it's...twenty-twelve-y.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Why don't you join us?
0:06:39 > 0:06:43No, thanks, really, I...
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Come on, it'll be fun.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I've got food in the fridge that needs eating up.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- Well, fair enough... - Oh, come on.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51No, really, she's got food in the fridge that needs eating up, Sue.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Don't be silly.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- I'm not a party person. - She's not a party person.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57And if it's neighbours-only...
0:06:57 > 0:07:00You can be guest-of-honour. Come on in. Come on!
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Hello, Ben.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Hi, Gran. Have you ever played British Bulldog?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09So when we finally get this upstairs,
0:07:09 > 0:07:10where do you want us to put it?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Oh...erm...good qu...
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Actually, we could put drinks on that.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Yeah, no, sling it back in here. This is the best place to put it.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I can think of a better place to put it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Our so-called leaders are being led by the nose
0:07:28 > 0:07:31by the so-called Burgers of Brussels.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34And that, my friend, is why I am seriously considering
0:07:34 > 0:07:38voting UKIP, because you can say what you like about Nigel Farage,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40but he is a man who can survive plane crashes.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Can David Cameron do that?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Did you tell Dad that Norris was coming?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Do you know, it slipped my mind.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Well, I couldn't leave him out, could I?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56He's a neighbour. And anyway, Dad seems to be coping perfectly well.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Because some Euro-bureaucrat dictating the shape of my bananas
0:08:00 > 0:08:02is quite frankly bananas!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I've said this so many times, haven't I, Mary?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Yes. Yes, he has.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Hey, everyone, this is Ray. Ray, here's your badge.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Obviously, you know my dad, and...have you met Norris?
0:08:17 > 0:08:18- Yes. Yes, I have. - And this is...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Mary, my wife Mary. Tatiana, our next door neighbour, although she
0:08:21 > 0:08:25spends so much time in our kitchen, I'm thinking of charging her rent!
0:08:25 > 0:08:30She's Russian. But don't worry, she's not Mafia.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33If I was Mafia, I get someone to kill you.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- Bang!- Agh!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Bang! Bang! Bang!- Good shot.
0:08:40 > 0:08:46Bang! Bang! Bang, bang, bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Top-ups, anyone? - Yeah. Top me up, topster-in-chief.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- This is Ben.- How old is Ben?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I'm twelve.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06- Twelve! He's big for his age, isn't he?- Yes.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Do you play rugby, Ben?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11They asked me not to. The parents signed a petition.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Yeah. There were a few...injury...issues.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- Right.- Just good old-fashioned enthusiasm, really,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21but you know what it's like once lawyers get involved!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Sue, can I, um...can I have a word? - Yeah.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I'm a bit worried about Mum.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Oh, really, why?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Well, she's talking to those people
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and...she keeps laughing.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Laughing?
0:09:40 > 0:09:45Yeah, you know, like she's a...sociable person.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Look, see?
0:09:46 > 0:09:50I don't like it, it's not natural.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52How much has she had to drink?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I suppose she did start a few hours before everyone else.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57No, Sue, she doesn't normally drink, she...
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Oh, loosen up, so she's shedding some inhibitions, that won't...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03No, look, she's being physically affectionate!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06This is so weird! We have to warn the children.
0:10:06 > 0:10:12Oh, no, too late.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Oops, small person alert!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Hello there...- I'm not stopping.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- She's very pretty. How old is she?- Ten.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23So, little lady of the house, how's school, is it fun?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- No, it's school.- Karen!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- It's a pointless question.- Karen!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I don't mean to be rude, but I've seen your face somewhere.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- Oh, Ray used to be a TV weatherman. - Oh, a long, long time ago.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37So, Raymondo, haven't seen you out and about,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40didn't you have one of those breakdown thingies?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41- Norris...- It's OK, Mary,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45there's no stigma attached to mental illness these days.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47In fact, I believe it's quite "in".
0:10:47 > 0:10:52- DOORBELL RINGS - And...are you better now?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Oh, yes. Well, it's a process.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58I'm currently engaging with addressing the various issues
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I have with boundaries.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Oh...that's nice.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Jane.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Erm...Sue said you were sick.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Oh, yeah, I've had this tummy bug thing.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14It's been... Hang on.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18No, it's OK, false alarm.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21You look a bit rough, are you sure you should be out?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I was at home, feeling awful, but then I thought,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25"No, don't be so selfish, Jane.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"Sue was kind enough to invite you, so the least you can do is make
0:11:28 > 0:11:32"a bit of an effort." And I reckon I'm probably not infectious now.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34God, it's hot in here, isn't it?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Well, no, actually. It isn't.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Jane!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Gosh, are you sure you should be out?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46You just can't give in to these things.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Besides, I think I'm through the worst,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I haven't thrown up for at least an hour.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54This is Jane, everyone, who hasn't thrown up for at least an hour.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- Would you like something to drink? - Just water for me, thanks.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Oh, all right, make it a white wine, what the hell?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04What she's got is the norovirus.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07It's not dangerous, that's why it's so infectious.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Dangerous viruses kill too quickly, so they kill before they can spread.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Evidence of this is the Spanish flu,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13which happened just after the First World War.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16People would be dying mid-sentence - they'd be like,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"Oh, I'm so happy the First World War is over... Oh!"
0:12:19 > 0:12:24That's our Christmas ruined. We're all going to spend it on the toilet.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"I'm probably not infectious." Of course she's infectious, look at her!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30We might just as well have lobbed a diseased corpse
0:12:30 > 0:12:31into the middle of the room.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Don't be such a drama queen.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- I'm not getting lumbered with her. - Eh?
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- Every Christmas, I end up being trapped with her.- OK, OK.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I want you to promise me that I will not end up being trapped with her.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45OK, I promise you will not end up being trapped with her.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I want it in writing, Sue. I mean it.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Where's a Biro? - OK, that's 38 minutes,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- so I'm out of here.- Can I come? PHONE RINGS
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Yo, Tommo.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57All right, sick!
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- OK, bye, Tommo.- Tommo? Tom Thomson? - Yeah, why?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Well, Tom Thomson, he's a bit... - Tom Thomson?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Oh, no, he's not back on the scene again, is he?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Yeah, why? You got a problem with him?
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Well, no, it's just that Tom has a history of being a bit...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Well, a little bit...- Stupid.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- And reckless.- Based on what?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Based on the badger in the taxi,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23the toy gun outside Buckingham Palace,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25the streaking through the mosque.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, come on now, that was funny.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30He's just a risky person to be around.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Yeah, well, he's a good mate and I like him.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35And I'm not a kid any more, so don't worry. I'll be back about two.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Two? 2am?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- He's 17, it's like 28 in old money. - You should have said something.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Like what? Have you seen the size of him?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You have to accept that we're powerless onlookers, we are just...
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- And the Irishman's wife said... - Oh, God, she's telling jokes now.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I've never known her GET a joke, let alone tell one.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Mum... Mum, do you think maybe you should
0:13:58 > 0:14:00ease off the mulled wine?
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Yes, it is a bit sickly. Think I'll move on to something alcoholic.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09No, mulled wine is... It's wine, that's why it's called wine.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Ooh, what's that smell? It's the smell of fear.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17If I was Health Secretary, I'd simply say, none of you
0:14:17 > 0:14:20can have new livers - you're alcoholics, case closed,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22clunk-click, thank you very much.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Oh, but alcoholism is such a sad illness.
0:14:24 > 0:14:30My boyfriend, the one before last, he had a drink problem.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35Did you know he had a drink problem when you started going out with him?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38No, he didn't have it when I started going out with him.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42I mean, fundamentally, in my opinion,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45all forms of addiction have an emotional root...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49No, it's OK...false alarm.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Erm...it's an emotional root that can only be...
0:15:05 > 0:15:07All right, everyone, it's time for games.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12All right, before we start, is anyone allergic to nuts,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14lactose or lizards?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Ah, ah. You've got to be sociable if you want to eat the party food.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I was, for three minutes.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Actually, can you not argue with Jane about astrology?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Cos it's not a fair fight.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Come on, stay and be sociable, just to please your mum, eh?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Will you pay me to be sociable? - Pay you?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Yeah, because I was reading that parenting book you have,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36The Difficult In-between Years.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40it says you need to institute...
0:15:40 > 0:15:44rewards, as well as penalties.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47It says that if you don't, we could be held back
0:15:47 > 0:15:50"by a template of negativity."
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- It's in chapter one. - Yeah, well, I haven't read it.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54You haven't read it?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Your mum got it after Ben's making inappropriate remarks
0:15:57 > 0:15:59during King Lear incident.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03When he puts the cloth over, she has to remember all 20 items.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- I know, Norris. - OK, ready, Gran, and go!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- There's a tray! - You can't have the tray.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10The stuff on the tray. The tray doesn't count.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- There's a cloth! - No! You can't have the cloth!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14You can see the cloth.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18How are you supposed to raise me if you haven't done the reading?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19You do it instinctively.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- My mum and dad didn't have parenting books.- Exactly.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26You say that you do it instinctively, but, I mean,
0:16:26 > 0:16:30would you want a doctor to remove your appendix instinctively?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Of course I wouldn't... - They'd have to study
0:16:33 > 0:16:35for ten years to become, like, a really good doctor.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38You can't even put in ten minutes of reading.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41That's enough of this. You should be in there talking to...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Text me if you want me.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Scissors!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46No! That doesn't count, because he said it.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49No! You've got to play the game properly.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53You all right, Pete?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Still fit and well, for the moment.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Maybe I should be going round ringing a bell and shouting "Leper!"
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I'm not sure we've got a bell.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06You think you should be eating?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I think food might settle my stomach down.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Are you sure the best thing is trifle?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15At times like this, I think you just have to listen to your body.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I think we're all going to end up listening to your body.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31See? Everyone's getting on really well.
0:17:31 > 0:17:38Yes, well, Norris's wife and the woman who lives next door...
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Tatiana.- Tatiana. They seem to be getting on very well.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44What are you saying?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Well, Tatiana passed...
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Mary.- ..Mary in the hall
0:17:49 > 0:17:54and she sort of...touched her.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Touched her?
0:17:55 > 0:18:00Yes. She put her hand on her buttock.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01What? Like a grope?
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Not a full-on grope, but more fondle than pat.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10There was squeezage.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- "Squeezage?"- You know...- Oi!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Ooh, gone a bit early there, Pete.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I should wait till later, when she's drunk.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19But get her consent in writing,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22you know what it's like these days.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30Oh. Welcome, Lauren from Cincinnati,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33or, as I call you, Fresh Meat.
0:18:35 > 0:18:42- Look at your mum, enjoying herself. - It's like watching a cat bark.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44If only we'd thought of alcohol before.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47You know, about 30 years ago.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50She's hugging everyone. Apart from me, obviously.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52All right, Ray, are you ready?
0:18:52 > 0:18:56I'm supposed to avoid situations involving pressure.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Go!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I don't like the look of Jane.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04She's a Vesuvius full of trifle and we're Pompeii.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07A spoon, a teaspoon.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10A small ruler, like a child's ruler.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Three, two, one.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Time up!
0:19:15 > 0:19:17No! Put it back! Put it back!
0:19:17 > 0:19:18The game is over.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- There's a purple ball and a silver ball...- You've run out of time.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25It's like watching...
0:19:25 > 0:19:29It's like watching two women trying to park at the same time.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34They must have taken 15 minutes.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37It'll be time to go home soon.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40It's like watching two penguins fighting over a fish.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43See, this would make a great Paralympic event
0:19:43 > 0:19:47because people with no arms would be really, really good at it.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51They could go against un-Paralympians.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- It'd be a bit silly as an Olympic event.- It wouldn't be as silly as
0:19:54 > 0:19:58that one where the old guys make horses do line dancing.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- What's that called again?- Dressage.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Anyway, there won't be any rubbish events in my Olympics.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- You're holding an Olympics? - Yeah, later, and don't worry.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08We won't be doing wheelchair rugby,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11cos we tried it at school with shopping trolleys
0:20:11 > 0:20:13and it really was quite dangerous.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- You tried it with what? - Oh, at last!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19See, Mary, it's not rocket science, is it?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Come on, Norris, it's you and me now.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Does anybody need a fill-up?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Ray, you're up.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Sorry, I don't feel comfortable having fruit under my chin.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Looks like it's you then, Pete.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Did you know you're in a brilliant clip on YouTube?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Oh, yeah, it's the one where me and the other weathermen
0:20:51 > 0:20:53sang Singing In The Rain for Children in Need?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- Oh, yeah, that was great...- No.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59No, you're doing a weather forecast and you're talking about blizzards.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02You get in a tangle, saying the words "cold front".
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Instead of saying cold front, you say "frold..."
0:21:06 > 0:21:08We know what he said, that's...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Has anyone seen Mary and Tatiana?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Honestly, those two are always disappearing somewhere.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15How many people have seen this clip?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Oh, don't worry, Ray, it won't be many.
0:21:17 > 0:21:215,600,000? It's gone viral.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24BEEPING
0:21:24 > 0:21:29There's my pinger. Everybody, I just wanted to say...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32RETCHING
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Oh. Oh, dear. Just wanted to say...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38RETCHING CONTINUES
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Oh, dear. Just wanted to say...
0:21:41 > 0:21:42MORE RETCHING
0:21:42 > 0:21:44OK, I'm just telling you
0:21:44 > 0:21:48that the homemade sausage rolls are ready, so enjoy!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51You OK, Jane?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Well, you were right about the trifle, Pete.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Dad, you need to check her vomit.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- Thanks, Ben, that's very... - If there's blood, that's bad.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Ben, go downstairs and stay downstairs.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Ben.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16Ben, Ben, come back!
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Ben, the sign should have been on this side of the door.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Can I ask your advice about something?
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Yes, dear, of course.- Well, say you had a King high showing,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31would you ever bluff against a pair of threes?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33What?
0:22:33 > 0:22:37He told me he was a Mormon, but it turned out he was just a bigamist.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Hello! We're locked in here!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Sue is so lucky to have found you.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Someone who's decent, solid,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49doesn't want to establish a global caliphate.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55So, what's the latest on Omar?
0:22:55 > 0:23:01Oh, Pete, I don't really want to talk about it.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Oh, right.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07It turns out he had a wife in Jordan.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Hello! Anybody there?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Cos you used to do that poker online, didn't you,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14when you had your addiction?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Well, that was really social.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You haven't seen my wife and Tatiana, have you?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Sorry, no. - Aren't Mary and Tatiana gay?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Oh, I think so, dear.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- So, would you fold or bluff? - Well, I'd fold.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31You'd fold?
0:23:31 > 0:23:35But you weren't very good though, and you did lose a lot of money.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42I suppose I should have wondered about the missing hand,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45but he said he lost it in a guacamole blending accident.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Hello! If only I'd got my mobile.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Mobile! I've got mine.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Oh, no battery left. Isn't that just like me?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Well, I suppose we're all like ourselves, or we'd be someone else.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I wish I was someone else. Do you think I can change?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Jane, I'm sure you can.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12I met this guy who said I could change.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Do you know much about scientology?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Hello! Please!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Uh-oh.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- You all right there, Ray? - Yeah, yeah.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26This is my first social outing
0:24:26 > 0:24:31since my episode, and this is one of my coping strategies.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36I'm ionising. I still have a bit of a problem sometimes
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- with reckless behaviour issues.- Oh.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42That's how I got banned from the bell-ringing group.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43- Hi, Mum.- Jake!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I hope it's all right, I just brought some mates back.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50No, that's really nice. I thought you'd be out,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52you know, at one of those places you go to.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Well, you know, Mum's having a party, we're not going to beat that,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57especially with all the free booze.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Thank you for the vote of confidence.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- You're all out of breath. - Out of breath?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Oh, yeah, yeah. We're out of breath
0:25:05 > 0:25:08cos we raced all the way back, didn't we?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11For... For... For the free booze.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Hello!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Why are you shouting "Hello"?
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Karen, I need help.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19You should shout "Help!"
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Open the bloody door now!
0:25:22 > 0:25:23OK, OK, keep calm.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26It probably says that in that parenting book
0:25:26 > 0:25:29that you couldn't be bothered to read.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Oh, Peter, you dirty dog!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- Jane's been ill... - Don't worry, I won't tell Sue.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36All right, Norris. You OK to walk, Jane?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39You haven't seen Mary and Tatiana, have you?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42They're probably off...elsewhere.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Oh, yes, doing those things women do.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Yes, probably a lot of...doing that.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54So lovely to see you all. Tommo not with you?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Tommo. No, he had to... He pulled a muscle.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Oh, what, in the race?- The race?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03The race you had to get the free booze.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oh, yeah, that race, yeah.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Actually, it was earlier, when we were stretching.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Oh, well, never mind.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Listen, boys, the snacks are nearly all gone,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14but I could make you some sandwiches.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18So you're Karen, then? Can I have a look?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Haven't you ever seen a kid's room before?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Me and my husband don't have kids.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Well, I don't blame you.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I'm not going to. They're a nightmare.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Well, no, I wanted them, but my husband didn't.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31So how did you decide who got to decide?
0:26:31 > 0:26:36Cos that's too serious for, like, rock, paper, scissors.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Well, I suppose he just said "no."
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, you must love him a lot then, otherwise you'd have left him
0:26:43 > 0:26:45for someone a lot nicer by now...
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Well, I suppose...
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Sorry, I'm trying to concentrate.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Oh, my God, you are trying to kidnap a kid again.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Right, time to show our cards, I think.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03So when you promised to make sure I didn't get trapped with Jane,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06that didn't include being locked in a bathroom
0:27:06 > 0:27:09as she projected trifle from every orifice.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13- Ah, she was sick again. - No, she wasn't just sick, Sue.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Oh, she was...?- Yes.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- So you've changed, then? - Yes. I've changed.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Are you suppressing a giggle?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Because this isn't funny.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28No, Sue, this really isn't funny.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- My mother is playing swingball. - Yes, it's round three
0:27:33 > 0:27:35of Ben's Paralympic heptathlon.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38They're only allowed to use one arm and one leg.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Isn't that dangerous?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- You should have seen the blind archery.- Eh?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Oh, Jake's back.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Yes, he came back with a group of his mates. Decided to party with us.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50So he came back of his own free will?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Yes, it's great, isn't it?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55It sort of completes the communityness.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57It's like old times, isn't it?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59House full of Jake and his mates.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02So they just came back of their own free will?
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Can you stop saying that?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Are you OK, Ray?
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Yeah, this is another one of my coping strategies.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Karen, I really need you to come down and be sociable.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23- What are you doing up here anyway? - Online poker.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27- Poker?! You're ten! - They don't know that.
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Hang on a minute.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31It's not gambling, because I got an email saying
0:28:31 > 0:28:33I get a free £20 bet if I register.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36It is gambling, and what are they doing sending you...?
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Well, they sent you it, but I knew you wouldn't use it, so it's OK.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43It is not OK to impersonate me online
0:28:43 > 0:28:46and illegally play poker against strangers.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47I knew you'd say that.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Anyway, it's not even poker, it's Texas Hold 'Em.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Texas... How do you know all this?
0:28:53 > 0:28:57- Because we play poker at school. - At school?!
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- For matchsticks.- Matchsticks, at least you're not playing...
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Yes, and every matchstick's worth 10p.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Ben, this is getting a bit...
0:29:05 > 0:29:07I know, but we're only playing with one arm now,
0:29:07 > 0:29:09cos when we played with one leg, Gran kept falling over.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Well, maybe it's time to move onto something else.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16- Loosen up, tight pants! - Actually, Mum, that's not what...
0:29:16 > 0:29:20Kids are not allowed to gamble and that is that.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Well, Monopoly is gambling. You have a dice and...
0:29:22 > 0:29:25It's not the same, you don't use real money to play Monopoly, do you?
0:29:25 > 0:29:28- Actually, at school, we do. - I don't want to know any more.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31I'm going to email that poker online company,
0:29:31 > 0:29:34and I'm going to tell them what you've been doing illegally
0:29:34 > 0:29:38and get them to cancel everything that's happened this evening.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42- OK.- OK.- You are £183 up.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Well...
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Just make sure you don't do it again.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Am I right? So that's a yes?
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Between you and me, Gran was getting a bit over-excited
0:29:54 > 0:29:56and it was kind of unsafe.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01Sorry, did you just say the word "unsafe"?
0:30:02 > 0:30:04All right, Jane?
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Much better.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09- Sorry? - She's feeling much better.
0:30:09 > 0:30:14Imodium...found...cabinet.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18She took some Imodium she found in your cabinet.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20We don't have any Imodium. We've just got Rennies
0:30:20 > 0:30:24and some of those really strong painkillers
0:30:24 > 0:30:26for when I did my back in.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Jane, what colour were the pills you took?
0:30:29 > 0:30:33SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:30:33 > 0:30:34Nope, didn't get that one.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Your mum's playing swingball with Ray now.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Actually, look, we've a bit of a situation here,
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Jane has taken some pills.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44I feel weller than porpoises.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48- She feels weller than... - OK, Ben, got that one.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51Jane, how many pills did you take?
0:30:51 > 0:30:55Ooh, Jane. Jane?
0:30:55 > 0:30:59- Are you thinking Casualty?- Yes.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02- Are you sober enough to drive? - God, no. You?- Nowhere near.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05There must be someone who can take her.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12- We'll call an ambulance. - Right, I'm on it.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16Oh, look out, here comes Trouble and Strife, and Strife and Trouble.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Where have you been? Found somewhere to go shopping?
0:31:19 > 0:31:24Norris, me and Tatiana are lovers, and I'm leaving you.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32Oh, you girls, you really crack me up.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34I've been trying to pluck up the courage,
0:31:34 > 0:31:36but tonight, the little girl made my mind up.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Can't keep pace, eh? Lightweights.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42You're leaving me? What's she going to come up with next?
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Lawyers. Bang.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48..Alang-a-ding-dong. Remember, for once,
0:31:48 > 0:31:51don't put the chain across the front door!
0:31:53 > 0:31:54- Does he realise...?- No.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Ambulance is on its way. A very busy night, apparently,
0:31:57 > 0:32:01because an office party broke into the zoo. How's Jane, Pete?
0:32:01 > 0:32:02Pete?
0:32:07 > 0:32:08Should I stop her?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10You could try.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Well, that was impressively fast.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17I suppose a bucket of water's out of the question?
0:32:19 > 0:32:21- Good evening.- Good evening.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Does a Jake Brockman live here?
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Er, yes, is there a problem?
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Is that sexual harassment?
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- Borderline.- Oh, Gran.
0:32:35 > 0:32:40Look, Ben, you talk to Jane, make sure she stays awake, OK?
0:32:40 > 0:32:43There is a policeman here to speak to you.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47- Oh, bollocks! - Would you care to expand on that?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Yeah, well, you see, there was this incident...
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Tommo turned up with an old bag of fireworks
0:32:53 > 0:32:56and he thought it would be a laugh if we let off this rocket.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00Only, he kind of crashed it into the doors of...a church.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03What the...?! Did anyone see this?
0:33:03 > 0:33:07Well, yeah. The people walking out of the Carol Service saw it.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- What?!- Look, it's OK, no-one got hurt.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12- I mean, the donkey panicked a bit.- Donkey?!
0:33:12 > 0:33:16It's OK, he didn't have Mary on his back, though it did run off
0:33:16 > 0:33:18and knock over one of the Three Wise Men,
0:33:18 > 0:33:19but he was fine as well.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Still looking for him, officer! Won't be a second!
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Keep awake, Jane, just making some strong coffee.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27What's 305 times 28, Jane?
0:33:27 > 0:33:31I think she'd find that quite hard even if she hadn't taken the pills.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33You're going to have to explain it wasn't you,
0:33:33 > 0:33:34tell him it was Tommo!
0:33:34 > 0:33:37I can't do that, that'd drop Tommo right in it,
0:33:37 > 0:33:39- his parents will kick him out again. - That's not...
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Look, Mum, I am not ratting on Tommo. He's a mate.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43Try to keep her awake, Ben.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46What's your biggest fear? Think of your biggest fear.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Like a Count Dracula gorilla eating a werewolf monkey or something.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Frankenstein, but he's a frog.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Think you're being chased by owls. No-one likes owls.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Don't get bogged down on the owls, Ben.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58- What's the capital of Serbia?- Owls.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01You say you didn't see how the rocket got fired at the church?
0:34:01 > 0:34:04No, I was...texting
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Jake realises how serious this is.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Sorry, got to go, the boundary issues have resurfaced.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Jake realises the seriousness of this incident,
0:34:14 > 0:34:16- but nobody got hurt... - Why do you say that?
0:34:16 > 0:34:19The rocket started a fire in the vestry,
0:34:19 > 0:34:21two people have been rushed to hospital.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23I didn't see there was a fire.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26You didn't wait to find out, did you?
0:34:26 > 0:34:29I had no idea that that had happened.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33No, well... That's because it didn't.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37But it could have done, very easily, eh?
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Well, absolutely, yes.
0:34:40 > 0:34:45Are policemen allowed to make stuff up like that?
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Yes, madam, one of the few perks left.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50That, and telling cabinet ministers
0:34:50 > 0:34:52they can't take their bikes through gates.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Do you know a Thomas Thompson?
0:34:54 > 0:34:57Yeah, I'm pretty sure he didn't fire the rocket.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00That's what he said when I took his statement.
0:35:00 > 0:35:01- Right.- He said you did it.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04- He did it! - Well, who am I to believe?
0:35:04 > 0:35:07My son, cos the other boy's a lying pillock.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10"Lying pillock."
0:35:10 > 0:35:13- Stay awake, Jane!- Jane, look out, there's a bear behind you. Bah!
0:35:13 > 0:35:15- What's the capital of Iceland? - Pete, the ambulance!
0:35:21 > 0:35:24- St Pancras International. Come! - I'm coming.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31How can so few people make such a bloody mess?!
0:35:33 > 0:35:36Before you say anything, I am very, very sorry
0:35:36 > 0:35:41you had to go in the ambulance with Jane. I was delayed with Jake.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43- Yeah, yeah, OK. - How did it go anyway?
0:35:43 > 0:35:45Did she have to have her stomach pumped?
0:35:45 > 0:35:48No, she did that herself. En route, quite a lot.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51- Right. You've changed again. - Yes, I have.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55Well, that was a lovely party.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58And now, amigos, I must hit the road.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00I think you'd best stay the night, Sandra.
0:36:00 > 0:36:05Susan, I can perfectly capably drive myself home.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08- Well, no, you can't. - And why not?
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Because you didn't come in your car.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Oh, yes. Ha!
0:36:14 > 0:36:18Oh, my lovely big boy!
0:36:20 > 0:36:22I'm very proud of you.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Have I ever told you that?
0:36:24 > 0:36:27No, Mum.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Oh. Nighty-night.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34Oh, sod it, red wine stain!
0:36:34 > 0:36:37I'll get some salt... Salt, salt.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41You know what I miss? Proper tall policemen.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Red telephone boxes,
0:36:43 > 0:36:49stamps that just had the sodding Queen on them.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Sparrows.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Do you think Norris realises what's happened?
0:36:54 > 0:36:57I think a small part of him does.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59The part that isn't a prat.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03- I could walk him home.- Oh, no. If he's not gone in half an hour,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06I'll send Karen in to talk to him.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08My party broke up his marriage.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10That marriage was doomed from...
0:37:10 > 0:37:13well, the moment it involved Norris.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16You were right. This party was a stupid idea.
0:37:16 > 0:37:21Do you know, in a weird way, I quite enjoyed it.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25- Honestly?- You were right, it was fun to meet the neighbours.
0:37:25 > 0:37:30- It was like a freak show. - Exactly. Hugely entertaining.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34My mother told me she was proud of me, that is a lifelong first.
0:37:34 > 0:37:35I got a ride in an ambulance.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37We jumped six red lights, it was brilliant.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Yeah, Mum, the party was a laugh.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Ah, nice try, boys, but I know what you're doing.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44You're saying all this stuff just to make me feel better.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48- SQUEAKY VOICE:- Of course not. - Why would we do that?
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Listen, I'm David Beckham!
0:37:50 > 0:37:52We got to play some cool party games, didn't we?
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Yeah, the games were good, Ben. You did a good job.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58Actually, there was one game we never got round to playing.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01We could play it now. Blind football.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12REINDEER GRUNTS
0:38:12 > 0:38:15And a Merry Christmas to you too.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19- Come on.- What the...? - We're kicking that way,
0:38:19 > 0:38:22On my command, play!
0:38:23 > 0:38:26- Have you thrown the ball in? - Oh, no, sorry, here you go.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29MUSIC: Match Of The Day Theme
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Which way am I facing?
0:38:32 > 0:38:35Hang on, what was that?
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Foul!
0:38:37 > 0:38:40Strictly speaking, we should each have a dog.
0:38:45 > 0:38:46It's in the air!
0:38:46 > 0:38:49No, it's over here somewhere.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52Has this been Health and Safety risk assessed?