0:00:02 > 0:00:03BIRDS TWEET
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Why not let Ben drive?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21OK, OK.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23It's a quiet road.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25What could happen?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Yes, OK. Why isn't anyone answering?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31She's still just sitting in her car.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Are you sure you're all right?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I'm fine, thank you.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41I think Karen might have post traumatic shock.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43You can get that after a crash.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45No, you're OK. She's on Instagram -
0:00:45 > 0:00:47the symptoms are very similar.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I'm not sure we should call it a crash, more a...clip?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53It'll be fine. He's actually getting quite confident.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Will you stop doing that? It's not like he's a complete beginner.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- KAREN GUFFAWS - Not helpful, Karen.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I'm not laughing at you.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Zosha has this face-swapping app and she's face-swapped
0:01:03 > 0:01:04with Delilah's cat.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Well, as long as you're taking no interest in a major family crisis.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- No.- God.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12The worst possible day to have an accident.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Is accident the right word?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17I mean, given that many neurologists argue that free will is an
0:01:17 > 0:01:19illusion, then really there is no such thing as an accident.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- God's sake.- Hadn't we best go and swap insurance details with her?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Hang on, I'm still holding - 24 hour emergency helpline.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Which 24 hours though? A Tuesday in July.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32So we're just going to spend Boxing Day in a ditch in Hampshire?
0:01:32 > 0:01:36We did pass a pub that was open just before Ben's...clip.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Today of all days.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Sue, can I do something?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Kate, you're always such a great help.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Is that some of him?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Oh, maybe. Oh, no, hang on, no.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50That's just some crumbs from those Hobnobs.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Are you sure you've got the right number?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Yeah, cos I got the cheerful Geordie voice saying,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57"Thank you for calling Super Speed Rescue.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"We will sort you out in a second."
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Research shows that Geordie voices are the most trusted.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Yeah, like you'd leave Paul Gascoigne
0:02:04 > 0:02:06in charge of your finances.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I'll just grab the wheel if there's any problem.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11You really shouldn't keep saying that stuff, Mum.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Thank you, Karen. - Cos she's filming us.- What?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And if she goes for compensation she could use that
0:02:18 > 0:02:20as admissible evidence.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23She's still doing it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I'm not having that.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Sue.- People are so bloody rude now.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Mum...- No, I'm going to go and give her a piece of my mind.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Mum...- I'm going to go over there and I'm going to say...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Do you need any help with that?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- Once we get someone to help us get the car out of the ditch we can be on our way.- Come on.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- Ah, Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Merry Christmas.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Yes! Brilliant!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Sorry, no, we've just had the disabled toilet done up
0:02:57 > 0:02:58just before Christmas.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02This will be its first outing, like, you know, so if you need to...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Anyway, you folks had a nice Boxing Day?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Bleedin' fantastic(!)
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Sorry, really sorry.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13It's just I've been listening to a recorded message
0:03:13 > 0:03:14for the last half hour
0:03:14 > 0:03:17and it has exactly the same accent as you and...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Hello? Hello, hang on, you're breaking up.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21So what brings you here?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24An accident. Do you have Wi-Fi please?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- Yeah, the password's on the menu. - Oh, thanks.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- An accident? - Yeah. Our car's stuck in a ditch.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34You don't have some kind of container that I could put
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- the contents of this into? - What is it?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Grandad.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41It's my father's ashes.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44The container the crematorium gave us broke in the car crash.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47He went everywhere.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49You'd think the crematorium would give you a container
0:03:49 > 0:03:52that could survive a small car crash, but, no.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Well, that was them all over. The way they rushed us through.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59I swear they played that salsa version of Abide With Me
0:03:59 > 0:04:01just because it was quicker.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Not your day, is it? Funeral and a car crash.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, the funeral was months ago.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08He just wanted his ashes scattered at the spot where he met Mum.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10That's so romantic.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Yeah, on Boxing Day, the day he met her.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Oh, I wish I'd had the chance to meet him.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17It's probably best you didn't.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19As the dementia got worse he...
0:04:19 > 0:04:20He had, um...
0:04:20 > 0:04:23boundary issues around younger women.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29Well, and older women and, erm, men he thought looked a bit like women.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34It's just that on your card here, the one that guarantees to get
0:04:34 > 0:04:38there in an hour and a half maximum, there is no mention of
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"except on Boxing Day".
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Wait, I'll look. Nope.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48No mention of "except if people don't fancy working" either.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Thinking about your dad?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56No,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58just remembered about Trump.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Would you like a coffee?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Anyone else?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Facetime me in.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Who are you talking to?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Oh, it's LaPaula's 15th birthday and she's invited over
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Zephyr, Shazonce, Shamola
0:05:09 > 0:05:11and Anne.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Hi, girls.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Oh, really?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Yes, so sarcasm won't get the tow truck here any quicker?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20So what will? Hyperbole? Bathos? Litotes?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Haven't I?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Can I do that now?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Please?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Jill, can I get you a tea or coffee?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- No, thank you.- Something stronger?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- No, I'm...- Something to eat?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41No, I'm OK.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Ow.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Are you all right?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Did something to my neck in the crash.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Oh, I'm sorry. Can we...?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Don't say, "sorry". She could use that as an admission of liability.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Karen.- If she says you admitted guilt,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- you just say you were showing sympathy.- Karen!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02My advice, don't talk to her.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Don't be so...- Bit of a problem.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Seems that our breakdown cover wasn't renewed.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11So how are we going to get to scatter Dad's ashes?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14And what's Angela going to say?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Don't worry about your sister.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18She's just sitting there in a jacuzzi in California
0:06:18 > 0:06:19waiting to find fault.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21You saw how she was at the funeral.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"Why did you put him in a Mercedes hearse?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28"He hated the Germans." And how was I supposed to know that they'd
0:06:28 > 0:06:30get in that Reverend Schweinsteiger?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Look, if she can't be bothered to come...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34No, it's not just Angela.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35- I promised Dad.- I know.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39"I promise you I will honour your wishes," that's what I said.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42He thought I was that Korean woman but it still counts.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Look, we will get through it.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50We have a family tradition of difficult Christmases.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Ben mistaking that sewage pipe for buried treasure.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Losing Karen in the safari park.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Ben dropping the frozen turkey on Mum's foot.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Is dropping the right word? I mean, she did actually knock the frozen...
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Yeah, yeah.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Anyway, we will find a way of getting there, won't we?
0:07:06 > 0:07:07- Yeah. Yeah.- We will, Mum.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Well, I'm very grateful you all came, and Karen, I know your friends
0:07:11 > 0:07:14have organised a party and you'd really like to be there.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15It's OK, I am there.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Just talking to my mum.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22Aye, it's not easy, honouring the wishes of the deceased.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26My dad passed away six months back, left strict instructions.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27What were his wishes?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30He wanted his ashes thrown in the face of Mike Ashley.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Ashes to Ashley, like, you know.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34We took the urn to the Newcastle-Villa match
0:07:34 > 0:07:35but there was too much security.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38My brother reckons we might get him at the next, erm,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Sports Direct AGM.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41BEEPING
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Is that one of those fitness trackers?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Yeah, it's a Christmas present from my wife.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48My ex had one of those.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50She became obsessed about her weight,
0:07:50 > 0:07:54used to stand naked in front of the bedroom mirror for hours.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56"I'm virtually obese," she'd say,
0:07:56 > 0:07:57and she was right.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Hey, there's a fella comes in here, he'd get you out of that ditch.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05He's got a tow truck - Billy Spaz.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Shall I give him a call?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Yes. Yes, please.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Billy Spaz?- You can't say that.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Well, we're in Clarkson country here aren't we? It's...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Well, you'll have to have a word.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I mean, if no-one challenges that behaviour we'll end up
0:08:19 > 0:08:20back in the 20th century.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23You are absolutely right and we will say something,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26but can we just wait until Billy...
0:08:27 > 0:08:28..turns up with his truck?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31How about this? Any good?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Uh...- For your dad's ashes.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I mean, it needs emptying, obviously.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38And you... You'll want the label taken off.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48So, Jill.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Tea, coffee?
0:08:52 > 0:08:53No, I'm fine, thank you.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Or something to eat then? Nuts? Crisps? Nibbles?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Thanks, but if I wanted something to eat I'd order it.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Of course, yeah, of course. I'm... I'm not, erm...
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Weren't the Paralympics marvellous?
0:09:10 > 0:09:11I hate the Paralympics.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Right. Yes.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Because you don't like the way that Paralympians are always
0:09:16 > 0:09:17portrayed as heroic?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19No, I don't like sport.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22OK.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Good.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Go on, Taser him. Taser him!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28That is a video game, isn't it?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Whoa.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Those girls aren't drinking, are they?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36No, no, they're still too hungover from last night.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37That isn't strictly correct.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I've just taken nine steps, it's only counted seven.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- Fascinating. - Which means when it says...
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Pete. Do you think we ought to call a taxi, because it's been
0:09:47 > 0:09:49over an hour now and that tow truck guy...?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Billy Spaz.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Yeah. He hasn't turned up.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I'll call you a taxi.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Dad, you are going to have to talk to him about that word.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- It's offensive. - Yes, I know Jake, just not now.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I'll try Kathy, I think she's the only driver out today
0:10:05 > 0:10:09since Martin breached his non-molestation order.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Hello, is that Kathy?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14I think I inhaled some of grandad in the incident,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18which is quite interesting in a way cos with every breath
0:10:18 > 0:10:21we're inhaling atoms of Aristotle and...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23and Shakespeare and Einstein.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I like to think that when I fart, there's some of Hitler in there.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I can see why you did philosophy at A-Level.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31And psychology, he's really getting into that.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34By the way, if he asks to attach electrodes to your head,
0:10:34 > 0:10:35just say no.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I'm really sorry, Kate, about all the delays,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40we were meant to get you back to your mum's, weren't we?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Don't worry about me, I'll give her a call. She might be able to come and get me.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Isn't she lovely?
0:10:50 > 0:10:55I've got a feeling that "Kake" has a great future.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57"Kake"?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Kate and Jake.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I mean, I know we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves, but she's so
0:11:01 > 0:11:04good for him, and one day she's going to make a lovely mum.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06What, grandchildren?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I'm going to need at least another 15 years to recover from children.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm just...
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I'm going to have to loosen this boot.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Listen, Dad,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Mum is going to have to slow down.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Well, me and Kate...
0:11:31 > 0:11:32I think it's over.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Oh, I'm sorry. Why?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Because I'm going to tell her it's over.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Oh, you're ending it with her? - Thanks for the vote of confidence.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41No it wasn't that, it was...
0:11:42 > 0:11:46God, she is going to be devastated.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47No, Kate's tough.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Not Kate, Mum.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Are you absolutely certain you want to call it a day?
0:11:56 > 0:11:57OK.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01When are you going to tell her?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I'll... I'll phone her, you know, after Christmas is over.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Not Kate, Mum! - Well, you can't tell Mum.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08She's got far too much to worry about
0:12:08 > 0:12:11and she'll let it slip to Kate. Do you promise you won't tell Mum?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Well...
0:12:12 > 0:12:14OK.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15You folks all right for drinks?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Fine thanks. Actually, no, I'm going to have a whisky.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I can have one, can't I?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Of course we can. Two.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24If you knew you were going to end it,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26why did you invite her for Christmas?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I didn't, Mum did.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Oh, yeah. Anyway you'll have to say something soon.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Yes, I will, OK, I'll call her.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I mean, I know texting is unacceptable if you've been with
0:12:38 > 0:12:42someone for more than a month but doing it when she's actually there?
0:12:42 > 0:12:43That's savage.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45In my day when you were chucking someone
0:12:45 > 0:12:47you didn't have the virtual option.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Although one girl dumped me by writing in felt tip
0:12:49 > 0:12:51on my chest when I was asleep.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I often wanted to ask her...
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Actually, Dad, there is something else I've been...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59SUE LAUGHS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Oh, God.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04All right, love?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Yeah, it's just the accident has upset me.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Actually, I must be pretty stressed cos my pulse is 86.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14No, 87.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Now 88.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I wish I'd bought you socks.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I wonder if the stress of having a rising pulse rate
0:13:19 > 0:13:21is causing my pulse rate to rise.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Yeah.
0:13:22 > 0:13:2492.
0:13:24 > 0:13:2693.
0:13:26 > 0:13:2890. 91.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- 96!- Do you think she really is considering a compensation claim?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Hang on a sec, girls.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Look, she's faking whiplash which is what the uninformed do,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41because they don't know that the law was changed in November 2015.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Neck injuries are no longer a cash cow.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46OK, I'm back.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I'm not! You're a big cheek.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Kate always lights up a room, doesn't she?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Mm, yeah.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Very much.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- There you go.- Thank you.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59She's a keeper.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06See, what I'd do if I was her is give up on whiplash and go for
0:14:06 > 0:14:08some kind of minor brain trauma.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11See, that's where the big cash pay-outs are these days.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Karen, I think you're being a bit unkind.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I mean, we don't just assume that disabled people
0:14:16 > 0:14:18are scroungers of some kind.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- I don't.- We have to treat her exactly the same as everyone else.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I am. I'm treating her the same as any other rip-off merchant.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27It's you two that are guilty of...ableness-ism.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- No, we're not. Are we?- No.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- No.- Of course we're not. We're being even about things.- Yes, you are.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35You're just assuming she's a good person cos she's in a wheelchair.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Shh!- No, we're not.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38I booked your taxi.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Oh, thanks, you're a life saver.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Yeah, Kathy says it'll be two to three hours.- What?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Though with these new pills she's taking she can't cross bridges
0:14:45 > 0:14:47so...best allow four.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Four hours? It'll be dark by then. That's no good.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Sue, would it be so bad to scatter his ashes on another day?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56He left written instructions.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57He was suffering from dementia.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59It was the early stages.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01He did ask for the Band of the Grenadier Guards
0:15:01 > 0:15:03to perform at his funeral.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04That was just silly.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- And Pan's People.- Look.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Scattering his ashes in his special place on his special day is the
0:15:10 > 0:15:14only one of his wishes that I CAN honour, so we need to get him there.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Look, Mum, do we?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18He's dead.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I'm not being mean, I really liked Grandad,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24a lot, but he doesn't exist any more so he won't know.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29So, Ben, if on my deathbed, I asked you to scatter my ashes
0:15:29 > 0:15:33in a special place, are you saying you wouldn't agree to that?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- No, no, of course I would.- OK.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I'd agree to it but I might not do it,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40unless it was nearby like the garden.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Well, I wouldn't want you to walk all the way out there when there's
0:15:43 > 0:15:46a perfectly good waste disposal unit next to the sink.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49This isn't just for Grandad, Ben. It's for Mum.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Oh, she's achieving closure? Why didn't you just say?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54We'll find a way, Mum, don't worry.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Excuse me, what's the Wi-Fi password?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59smashashley123 - all lower case.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Cheers.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Teenagers.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08They're often kind of right in a black and white way.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Mind you the only government run by teenagers was the Khmer Rouge
0:16:11 > 0:16:15in Cambodia and they killed three million of their own people, so...
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Oww.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Oh, ow.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22You all right, Jill?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Yeah, gone a bit dizzy.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Seeing things double.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I'll, erm, I'll fetch you a drink.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Water, or tea, sweet tea, sweet tea's good.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Must be from the crash when I bumped my head.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Just have a bit of a sit down.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44Listen, if there's anything we can do, Jill, just let us know.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48OK, now you're in trouble.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51She's obviously looked up whiplash on her phone
0:16:51 > 0:16:52and changed the symptoms.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55We need to subpoena her phone and internet records.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Karen, when you're a little older you'll realise
0:16:58 > 0:17:01that aggression is not the answer in these situations.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02- Yeah, OK.- Good.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Oh, that's just my dad, yeah.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Him and Mum are getting turned over by this disabled woman.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Karen, will you not do...
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Pete, listen, why don't you go and have a quiet word with her?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Why me?- Cos I'm feeling emotional, for Christ sakes.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Maybe we could convince her not to involve the insurance
0:17:22 > 0:17:26companies and that way we could both hang on to our no claims bonus.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Yeah, maybe Ben was driving too fast but she definitely
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- pulled out without stopping. - No, no, she stopped,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34then she pulled out, that's why Ben swerved to the right.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- He didn't swerve to the right, he swerved left.- He did swerve to the right.- He sort of went straight on.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- No, he went to stop and then he swerved...- How could he? We drive on the left.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- No, he swerved to the right.- He's lucky he didn't hit the tractor.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44- Tractor?- What tractor?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- Yeah, there was a tractor. - I'd have noticed a tractor.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Well, we can't all be right.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50But, interestingly, we can all be wrong.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53This just goes to show, there's no such thing as reality.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I'll put that on the insurance form, shall I?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58All that's certain is that the subjective nature
0:17:58 > 0:18:02of perception means that we all recall different versions of events.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Like when I chased that pig down the escalator.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Yeah, we can't agree whether we were interviewed
0:18:07 > 0:18:09by two social workers or three.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Actually, all that's certain is that you guys need to keep
0:18:12 > 0:18:15your voices down cos she's filming us again.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23Well, all I know is that Ben is one of the best drivers I've ever seen.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Kate, thanks, but no.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32So, what's the latest?
0:18:32 > 0:18:341,761 calories.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I wonder if that takes account of my unusually fast metabolism.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Pete! What's happening with Jill?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Oh, right. She's not having it.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44She seems to think that she would win any dispute
0:18:44 > 0:18:47against a 17-year-old with a provisional license.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50And I wonder where she got that crazy idea from.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Oh, any luck with the other taxi firms?
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Oh, nothing so far. Do you want some grub while you're waiting?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58We've got an award-winning chef.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Chef of the Year three years running in Bucharest.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Right.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05So will he be allowed to stay, you know,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- after Brexit?- Ah, ah, ah.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10We've had four fights in here.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13My ex is still incredibly angry about the vote,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15and she won.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Still, she is one of those people for whom, you know,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20the glass always looks half empty.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Right, a pessimist?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23No, an alcoholic.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Katie.- Mum!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Put on a bit of weight over Christmas, have we?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Hey. Hi, lovely Jake.- Hi.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- And this is... - Oh, the Brockmans! Oh.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh, I can't believe it's taken us so long to meet.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Aren't they fabby together?
0:19:40 > 0:19:41- Fabby.- What happened to your foot?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Oh, nothing. It's just one of those frozen turkey-related incidents.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- You're very young. - Oh, I had kids young.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53Well, there's nothing wrong with that. I was just saying earlier that Kate would make a lovely...
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Hi, I'm Pete, lovely to meet you.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56You the folks who had the crash?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Crash isn't quite the word I'd use.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Yes, we are. Are you...?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- It's Billy Spaz.- Dad!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I towed her in here, few scratches, but she looks fine.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Brilliant. So we can drive her?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Don't see why not.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I'll tell my lad to unhook her and leave her out front.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Dad, you have to say something to... About the name thing.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17He's right, it's wrong.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18What's wrong?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Well, it's just that we...
0:20:20 > 0:20:25I think you shouldn't call him Billy Spaz.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Well, what do you want me to call him?- Well...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Who's the Zafira belong to?
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Cos she's scrap.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34The Zafira is ours.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Oh, she's yours?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Well, cost you more to fix her than she's worth.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Sorry. You look like a Volvo man.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42The Volvo's mine.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- Oh, she's yours.- Can I drive it?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Will it be safe to drive with double vision?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Oh, do you know, I think it's a bit better now.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52So can I drive it?
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Well?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Sorry.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Just remembered about Trump.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02No, she'll be fine. Yeah, so that's 50 quid you owe me.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Volvo man?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06It'll have to be a cheque.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Just make it out to Billy Spaz, with a Z.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Your name is...
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Billy Spaz?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Yeah, it's not like it's hard to remember.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Old German Jewish name. Yeah.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Should really be pronounced Shpaaz.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- Right.- My dad came over on the Kindertransport.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It's just that your name is sort of...
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Have you ever thought it might be more sensible to...
0:21:30 > 0:21:31change your name?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Well, thank you very much.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35But I'm very proud of my Jewish heritage.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- No, I didn't mean... - Dad!- You told me to.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Just when you think that sort of prejudice is finally over.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Thank you, Brexit.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Billy!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Sorry, everyone.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Look, Billy.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Mr Spaz...
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Shpaaz...
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Well, I was going to offer you a lift somewhere but I think I'll
0:21:55 > 0:21:57just get on with the rest of my day.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Well done, Pete.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It wasn't... They... I...
0:22:00 > 0:22:02If you want to sell your car for scrap,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Phil Nutter over Shellingfield will give you a tenner for it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07We'll bear that name in mind.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Nutter.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11The man's name - that can't be wrong, can it?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- I don't know, it still... - That man would have given us a lift.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I could probably squeeze you all in.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Oh, would you? Oh, thanks, that would be so brilliant.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- It gives us a chance to get to know each other better.- I hope we're going to see a lot more of you.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Yeah. Is it OK if I just grab a quick sandwich?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- What, now?- Yeah.- All right.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34First customer.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- You are an idiot because you crashed the car.- Boys...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40He keeps insulting my driving. I could take you right now, so easily.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Whatever.- Jake, he could take any of us,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45with the possible exception of Karen.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49DEEP VOICE: I let you puny weaklings live just for my amusement.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Put me down! No, we talked about this.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Put me down.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Your family are such fun.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57From the outside, yeah.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Phoenix? Billy Bob?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01What are you doing?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Oh, you remember my mate, Janice?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Was she the one that decided she was a boy?
0:23:05 > 0:23:06He decided he was a boy.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Well, we're all just chipping in with idea for names.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Right now the front runners are Nimrod and Kevin.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Oh, yeah, no, sorry, I was just talking to my brother.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17No, no, not the cool one.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I just wanted to say it's been lovely spending Christmas with you.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24It's been lovely for us too, having a young person in the house
0:23:24 > 0:23:26who doesn't expect us to find their pants.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Sorry. I probably shouldn't have mentioned your pants.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Ah, well, that's fine.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Yeah, we're only 15 miles from where we scatter the ashes.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Anyway, I've had a lovely Christmas.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Us too, we must try and stay in touch.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Yeah, yeah...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Stay in touch?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Why wouldn't we stay in touch?
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Well, we would.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Which is why we mustn't not...stay in touch.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Jake's splitting up with me, isn't he?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01No. Definitely not.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05What, so he's told you he isn't splitting up with me?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08No, he just looks like he isn't.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- Is this because of the Canterbury job?- He's got a job?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Yes, now, would you tell me the truth, please.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15I'd rather not.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Look, if you ask me, he's making a mistake.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20So he is ditching me?!
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Is there any chance you could not say anything to Jake?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It's just that I've promised him I wouldn't.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32So let me get this right.
0:24:32 > 0:24:38You'd like me to act surprised when he finally decides to tell me?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Well...
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I'll say this for you, you're not a born liar. Drink?
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Yes, please.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50I brought you some tea.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Oh, well, actually I was just about to...
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Hi, I'm Karen.- Hi.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I've got a teacher who has MS so I know that life can be
0:24:57 > 0:24:59really tough for the disabled.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03You know, most people, they see the wheelchair and not the person.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Well, that's certainly true.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Well, I see the person -
0:25:07 > 0:25:10the person that's trying to rip off my mum and dad.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Oh, oh. You know, I'm...
0:25:14 > 0:25:19I'm feeling dizzy again. Maybe I'd better call an ambulance.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21You'll need your phone for that.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24You stole my phone?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I'm returning your phone.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I noticed there were several texts sent around the time of the
0:25:29 > 0:25:35accident, one half-finished at 11.07 right as the accident happened.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39And did you show these texts to your mum and dad?
0:25:39 > 0:25:43No, just to LaPaula, Shazonce, Shamola and Anne.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46I screenshotted them and shared them, just for the record.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Enjoy your tea.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51How's the pulse rate?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Oh, it's way up.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Mind you, I have burnt over 2,000 calories now.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Probably burnt off quite a lot just by constantly looking at it.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Mum.- Oh, hi, Babs. Sorry, are you ready to go?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03What the hell does your son think he's playing at?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Sorry?- Nobody treats my girl like that. Where is he?- Ah, OK, well..
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And what sort of person gets his dad to do the dirty for him, eh?
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- Well, no, that's not actually... - No, no, you should be ashamed of yourself.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Mum, let's go. - No, not till I've spoken to Jake.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Spoken to him about what?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Me and Jake are splitting up.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Oh, no. Why? Well, can't you give him another chance?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24He's splitting up with me!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Really? That... That's awful.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28I didn't know.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30He knew.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35You knew?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Well, let me provide some context here.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39You knew and you didn't tell me.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- I didn't tell anyone. - Apart from Kate.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46You told Kate that Jake was breaking up with her?
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Well, no, technically that's not correct, I tried not to tell her.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Does anyone want to know the football scores because Arsenal are absolutely...?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- Well, cheers, Dad. - I didn't say anything.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- Kate, look, just.. - Let's go, Mum.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- Can I just have one second? - Put it in a text, Jake.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Despicable.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Babs, I'm sorry about this, I really am.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Are we still OK for the lift?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17OK, no, sorry, fair enough.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Stay in touch.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23I have to speak to her. Kate!
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Kate!
0:27:30 > 0:27:31How's the foot?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Did your dad specify a particular Boxing Day?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45My brother just dumped his girlfriend.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49No, not that brother, I said girlfriend.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52My mum is going to go mental when he comes back.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53He's coming back.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- They almost ran me down. - What is wrong with you?
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Oh, Mum, please.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01A lovely, intelligent, beautiful girl and you ditch her. Are you mad?
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- Eh?- I mean let's face it, Jake, you were batting way out of your league.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Oh, and thank YOU for the vote of confidence.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10And now you've gone and broken that poor girl's heart,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13and cost us our lift.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16That's an interesting question, cos did Jake cost us our lift,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18or did Dad?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I didn't tell her.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22She sort of deduced it.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24How did she deduce it?
0:28:24 > 0:28:26- Well...- I think it was the hesitations.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29- Yeah, thank you, Brian. - After you said "stay in touch".
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Stay in touch?!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33It just came out.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36That's interesting though, isn't it? That she immediately guessed.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Maybe at some subliminal, subconscious level, she...
0:28:39 > 0:28:40Shut up, Ben.
0:28:42 > 0:28:43That's a bit rude.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46- What can I get you? - Can I have a packet of crisps?
0:28:46 > 0:28:50She's just worried that she won't be able to fulfil Grandad's wishes.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53The best we can hope for I suppose is that our taxi turns up soon.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Actually, I'm pretty sure Grandad told me he met Grandma
0:28:56 > 0:28:58at a dogfight in Singapore.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00I think he told me it was a bus stop in Ipswich.
0:29:00 > 0:29:01He told me it was on a tram.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Right. Actually, come to think of it,
0:29:03 > 0:29:06he told me it was at a Lovely Legs competition in Butlin's.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Just goes to show, if memory is so subjective,
0:29:09 > 0:29:11is there such a thing as history?
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Yes, there is, cos I'm a history teacher and we need the money.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17So if no-one knows where he met her,
0:29:17 > 0:29:19does it matter where we scatter his ashes?
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Does anything matter? Ascribing an existential meaning...
0:29:22 > 0:29:24ALL: Shut up, Ben.
0:29:24 > 0:29:25Also rude.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28I haven't calmed down. I've just come to get my scarf.
0:29:28 > 0:29:33Hey, Mum, Mum. Look, I'm sorry I lost us the lift, OK, and I know
0:29:33 > 0:29:37Kate is a very, very lovely girl, and I'm very fond of her.
0:29:37 > 0:29:42But, Mum, ultimately we are very different people, and it would also
0:29:42 > 0:29:46be difficult because I've been waiting to tell you,
0:29:46 > 0:29:48I've got this job.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50- You've got a job? - Yeah, in Canterbury.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Oh, great. Something else you didn't tell me.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57There wasn't time. Kate told me, I didn't mean...
0:29:57 > 0:30:00Look, the great thing is,
0:30:00 > 0:30:03he's found something when he's been looking for so long.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Yeah. It's great. Well done, love, that's great.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08So what's the job?
0:30:08 > 0:30:11Oh, it's for a start up, just sourcing local ethical
0:30:11 > 0:30:13furniture and linking it with the retailers.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16I mean, obviously it's a pretty long way away.
0:30:16 > 0:30:17Well, it's not that bad,
0:30:17 > 0:30:20I mean what's the quickest way to Canterbury?
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Well, a plane.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26Plane? No, no, no, you need the M2 and then the A2 from Faversham.
0:30:26 > 0:30:27Ah.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31Yeah, you see, it's actually Canterbury, New Zealand.
0:30:31 > 0:30:32Sorry, I thought you knew that.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36No, no.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Kate didn't get that far.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42New Zealand that's...
0:30:42 > 0:30:43That's like Australia.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Mm.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52But...that's great, that's great.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- That's brilliant. - Well done.- Well done.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57- It's exciting.- Well done, it'll be a real adventure for you.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01- And how long's it for? - Well, the contract is for two years.
0:31:01 > 0:31:02Two years. That's...
0:31:03 > 0:31:04That's excellent.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08- Well, that's great. That's a... That's a really good...- Wow.
0:31:08 > 0:31:09- ..length of contract.- Really good.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11I mean, two years minimum.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Could be longer.
0:31:13 > 0:31:14It will go really fast, won't it?
0:31:14 > 0:31:17Yeah, well done you. Brilliant. Really, really, really...
0:31:17 > 0:31:21Totally brilliant, totally, totally, absolutely brilliant.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Brian's just told me that our cab lady
0:31:23 > 0:31:26has had to return to base for her medication.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29What are you looking at?
0:31:29 > 0:31:34Text from Angela - "How did it go? Am waiting for you to upload video."
0:31:38 > 0:31:40New Zealand.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42That's actually further than Australia.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44We can Skype.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46There's Snapchat.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Facebook if he lets us friend him.
0:31:49 > 0:31:50Instagram.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Two years.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Maybe he'll never come home.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Maybe he'll meet a nice New Zealand girl and we'll have
0:31:57 > 0:31:59- grandchildren we never meet.- Sue...
0:31:59 > 0:32:04Oh, why am I putting us all through this stupid ashes thing?
0:32:04 > 0:32:09Why don't we just admit defeat and get home?
0:32:10 > 0:32:12- You sure?- Yes.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16Listen, I can't leave the bar but I see how desperate you are,
0:32:16 > 0:32:19so you can borrow my car if you like.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Really?
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Aye, no sweat.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Brian, that is incredibly kind.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28OK.
0:32:28 > 0:32:29OK, team, wagon's roll.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31It's a bit sticky in second.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Hang on, I can't drive, I'm over the limit.
0:32:33 > 0:32:34Oh, me too, yeah.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37- Well, I can't drive with this foot. - I can drive.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42You're not far over the limit?
0:32:42 > 0:32:45- You'd be fine, Dad, I mean... - You can drive.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49I can't have someone who's over the limit drive my car.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51I'm a publican, they'd shut me down.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53It'll be fine. I'll drive.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55It'll be good for my confidence.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59Is your foot that bad?
0:32:59 > 0:33:01- I can't press down on it. - You can just use
0:33:01 > 0:33:02- the other one, Mum.- You're walking.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04All right, listen.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07I won't drive fast, and the way I see it,
0:33:07 > 0:33:10either I drive or Grandad's wishes just don't get honoured.
0:33:12 > 0:33:13OK, come on.
0:33:13 > 0:33:14I could wait here.
0:33:14 > 0:33:15No, come on.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Jesus, look at that heart rate.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28It's just up here. I can't believe we've actually made it.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32My driving was OK, wasn't it?
0:33:32 > 0:33:33It was...
0:33:35 > 0:33:36..not bad at all.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Yeah, like, I didn't go too fast.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41No, no. Well, maybe just that one bit.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43- What bit? - The bit when you hit the chicken.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45You're not supposed to swerve to avoid animals.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Well, if they're in a coop, I think you probably are.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49It wasn't actually in its coop, it was loitering round it.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51A loitering chicken? Are you mental?
0:33:51 > 0:33:54OK, OK. We're here and that's what matters.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Yeah, and it feels like our luck has finally changed.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00There it is.
0:34:00 > 0:34:01Dad's bench.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06- Hopefully the weather will hold. - I wouldn't worry. Jake's got the brollies.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14- What...? What...? - What the hell is...?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17- Oh, my God. - Dad, they're Nazis!
0:34:24 > 0:34:25Cease fire!
0:34:27 > 0:34:29What the blazes are you doing here?
0:34:29 > 0:34:32What are we doing here? What are you doing here?
0:34:32 > 0:34:36Why are there a bunch of Nazis running around in the woods?
0:34:36 > 0:34:39We are conscripts from the 916th Regiment
0:34:39 > 0:34:42of the 352nd Volksgrenadier Division,
0:34:42 > 0:34:47so we are patriotic Germans defending our homeland, not Nazis.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51Yes, well, we are real people living in the correct century.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53People who ignore signs.
0:34:53 > 0:34:54What signs?
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Thompson, I told you not to do the signs in brown.
0:34:57 > 0:35:01Are you allowed to be running around here with pretend guns?
0:35:01 > 0:35:04We have cleared it with all the relevant authorities.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09We are re-enacting a skirmish with complete historical accuracy.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Apart from Thompson who is wearing trainers.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14And apart from the fact that this is actually Hampshire.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17This is an engagement that took place on December 26th 1944,
0:35:17 > 0:35:21in the Ardennes at this precise hour, although we are fractionally
0:35:21 > 0:35:25behind schedule because the Americans were late getting here.
0:35:25 > 0:35:26That is historically accurate.
0:35:26 > 0:35:31Look, we are here to scatter my father's ashes at that bench
0:35:31 > 0:35:33up there. Well, it was up there.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Well, do you have to?
0:35:35 > 0:35:37- Yes.- Yeah, we do.
0:35:37 > 0:35:38Seems a bit pointless.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Says the man dressed as a Nazi.
0:35:40 > 0:35:41We're not Nazis.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45Look, we just need ten minutes of peace and quiet.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49Well, as luck would have it, there was a lull in the skirmish
0:35:49 > 0:35:52at 14.55 for NINE minutes.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55Right, that's fine. Nine minutes is fine.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58OK, men, take a short... Thompson, put the iPhone away!
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Oh, look, the bench has survived.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05Ah.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08- What's that? - It's from our disabled lady.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12She says she is happy to completely forget any insurance claim.
0:36:12 > 0:36:17- You see, Karen, aggression is never the answer in these situations.- OK.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Do you know it would be nice if just for once you said,
0:36:20 > 0:36:22"Mum, Dad, you were right."
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Mum, Dad, you were right.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28Gee, that wasn't so difficult was it? What the...?
0:36:28 > 0:36:34Who does that? Who comes to a beauty spot and does that?
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Someone who feels they have no stake in society,
0:36:37 > 0:36:38and doesn't like JD.
0:36:40 > 0:36:44Look, this is where your mum met your dad, isn't it?
0:36:46 > 0:36:48That's what he said, right here.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50OK.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51No, you're right.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56I said we'd film this for Auntie Angela.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58OK, I'm on it.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02You can't read "Made in Germany" on this, can you?
0:37:02 > 0:37:05Cos otherwise she'll just bang on about how he would have hated that.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07- I think it's fine. - OK. I'm ready.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09TRUMPET PLAYS LAST POST
0:37:09 > 0:37:11What's that?
0:37:11 > 0:37:13The Last Post.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Thanks, but no.
0:37:18 > 0:37:19OK, record.
0:37:23 > 0:37:30We're gathered here to carry out Dad's... Grandad's expressed wishes.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34It's a shame Angela couldn't be with us because of her
0:37:34 > 0:37:36important commitments.
0:37:39 > 0:37:45I suppose this is a kind of goodbye, but then life is full of goodbyes,
0:37:45 > 0:37:48and just because someone isn't close by, that doesn't mean
0:37:48 > 0:37:52that they're gone, because they're always in here.
0:37:56 > 0:38:03OK, so this is where it started, Dad, and this is where it ends,
0:38:03 > 0:38:06which is what makes it so perfect.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Is this going to drag on much longer?
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Never driven at dusk before.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15You two must be under the limit by now.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17'fraid not, I had three scotches.
0:38:17 > 0:38:18I had four.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22Mind you, two of those were once I realised Ben would be driving.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24SUE SIGHS
0:38:24 > 0:38:25Trump?
0:38:25 > 0:38:27No, Angela.
0:38:27 > 0:38:31She's going to have a field day - a Nazi at Dad's farewell.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Oh, forget her. You did great, Mum.
0:38:34 > 0:38:38- Yeah.- You got him to his special place.- Yeah.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Although I could have sworn he said they met
0:38:43 > 0:38:45at a Shirley Bassey concert.