0:00:02 > 0:00:06Ben! Karen! For the last time, they are not light-sabres, they are toilet brushes!
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Put them back!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10- DOOR CLOSES It's us.- God Almighty.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13They've 500 Christmas presents and they're...
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Jake, are you all right? You look a bit...
0:00:15 > 0:00:20- Yeah, I think you should sit down. He's gone into shock. - Why, what happened?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Are the sales always like that?
0:00:23 > 0:00:27- Oh, yeah.- It's just like rugby but played by old ladies.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Oh, did you get that CD player?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Mum had the last one in her hand then some old bitch snatched it.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- Jake!- Sorry, my fault... I shouldn't have called her that.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Er, Sue?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- What?- It's 11 in the morning.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Oh, yeah... Ah, but it's Christmas, it's all right.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Mummy, I've made my New Year's resolutions.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- Oh, good.- "I will not poke my fingers in the butter."
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- I didn't know you did that...but good.- "I will not chew my duvet."
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Excellent.- "I will not call people idiots."
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Very good. - "Mummy will stop nagging me."
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Yeah that's... No, hang on, you can't make resolutions for other people.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03"Mummy will stop giving me cabbage."
0:01:03 > 0:01:05No, no, you make resolutions for yourself.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Dad? You know our burglars?
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Well, I don't really think of them as "our" burglars...
0:01:12 > 0:01:16- I'm surprised that they didn't take my lucky pig skull.- Hm. - Who wouldn't want that?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Yeah, I mean exactly, what were they thinking?
0:01:18 > 0:01:23- Maybe they've already got one.- I think it'd be worth £30,000 on eBay.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Most cars don't even cost that, do they?
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Well, I only got £50 for our car on eBay.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Yeah, well we said we wouldn't talk about that, didn't we?
0:01:34 > 0:01:35That man was very annoyed.
0:01:35 > 0:01:40Karen, I will make New Year's resolutions but I will choose my own.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44But your resolutions are rubbish. They're always stuff like,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47"I will eat less biscuits so I get more thinner."
0:01:47 > 0:01:53or "I will learn Italian." But what we really need is for you to stop nagging.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Don't be so rude! - See? Like then, you're nagging.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I do not nag. I...
0:01:57 > 0:02:00You may learn Italian, but then you could just nag in Italian.
0:02:00 > 0:02:06Can you stop banging on about me learning Italian? Anyway, how many resolutions have you got there?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Er, 48.- And how many are for you?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Some.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Three.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Idiots.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Ben can't understand why the burglars didn't take his piece of chewing gum
0:02:21 > 0:02:24that was spat out by Cesc Fabregas.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29I'm quite surprised they didn't take Jake's iPod, because it was just sitting here on the counter.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I think the mess may have worked in our favour there.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34It's a bit odd that they took the CD player but no CDs.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Anyone who likes Phil Collins is going to be way too old and feeble to get over our gate.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39There's Oasis...
0:02:39 > 0:02:44- and Coldplay. That came out last year.- You've no idea, do you?
0:02:44 > 0:02:49- Well, anyway they could have taken the CDs and sold them.- Yeah, like anyone BUYS CDs nowadays.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Well, some people do. Some people acquire their music legally.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Here we go.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56That downloading you do, that is basically theft.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- Everyone else does it. - Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it OK.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05- I knew you were going to say that. - All right. Look, I've downloaded the claim form online.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Amazingly, I found some receipts...
0:03:06 > 0:03:10and our total loss is...
0:03:10 > 0:03:15- £302.59 - Right...what's the excess?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19It's going to be three hundred pounds, isn't it?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Er...yep.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Thank you, Father Christmas.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I can't get it out from behind the radiator.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Yeah, yeah... It's that yellow dinosaur Auntie Jean gave him.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- It's really stuck.- I'll have another go with the skewer in a moment.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I think it's his arm that's stuck.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I'll have another go with the skewer in a moment.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- Ow... Can't get it out! Somebody, please! Ow. - All right, all right...
0:03:41 > 0:03:45You shouldn't be trying to rescue Ben's stupid dinosaur,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47you should be trying to rescue Rusty.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51He's not a toy, he's a living hamster.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Well, let's hope so...
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Ben, look, if you got it in, you must be able to get it out.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Just ease...ease it out. - I was supposed to be looking after him.- There!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03He's the class hamster and I had a duty of care.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Yeah, well he's stuck under the floor. I'm not ripping up the floorboards.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I bet you'd rip the floorboards up if Ben was stuck under there.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Well...
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- we did. - But what if a puppy was trapped?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Well, then I might rip the floor up, yeah, but I'm not going to...
0:04:18 > 0:04:25- Well, how about a porpoise? - It's very unlikely...- Yeah... but what if a porpoise was stuck?
0:04:25 > 0:04:32OK, Karen. I promise that, if a porpoise is ever trapped under the floor, I will rescue it.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- I'm going to write that down. - Car keys...car keys.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- No, this is my tent.- I'd better be headed off to get Dad soon.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41You've not forgotten Jane's coming at 1pm, have you?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45I wish you'd mentioned it to me before you invited her for lunch, that's all.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50Well, Little Alexa's spending Christmas with her dad, and so Jane's on her own...
0:04:50 > 0:04:51and I don't think she's got any friends.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Yeah, well there's a reason for that.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- Oh, it'll be fine. It'll be good, it'll be like the Christmases- I- remember.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00It'll be open house, people dropping in, lots of noise...
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- Yeah, the noise of Jane moaning. - Pete.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Well, I'm sorry, but you know she'll come round here and she will
0:05:06 > 0:05:10bang on about her terrible life and her horrible ex-husband and...
0:05:10 > 0:05:13What is it with you and Christmas? She's my friend. I want to...
0:05:13 > 0:05:18Yeah, well it's bad enough having to see our families without seeing friends, as well.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Ben's not allowed in, he's not a proper asylum seeker.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24And also, he's not wearing any pants under his trousers.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Ben, put some pants on!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30What is it with adults and pants?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- So, how many Christmas presents broken now?- Er...
0:05:33 > 0:05:38six, by noon on Boxing Day. I think we've beaten last year's record.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43So we're going to put in a claim for £2.59.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Well, its not worth putting in, obviously...- No...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Unless...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Unless?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Well, unless...
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- Oh...unless... - I mean there were loads of other items, y'know, in the past...
0:05:56 > 0:05:59that we never claimed for.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03There was that video camera that got reversed over.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06And that ring of mine that got swallowed.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- Yeah, and we could have put in a claim for those and we didn't. - I mean...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16..if we were to...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19add on...the occasional item...
0:06:19 > 0:06:23- that would be OK, wouldn't it? - Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be fine. - Two questions.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25One -
0:06:25 > 0:06:27if you didn't go to the toilet for years would you explode?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Yes.- And two - why do they call it Boxing Day?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Because you end up knee-deep in boxes. - Have you put your underpants on?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Couldn't find any. Maybe the robbers stole them.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Ben, the robbers did not steal your underpants.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Not even drug-addled morons would steal your underpants.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- The robbers could have had a baby.- Ben...
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- And they need to give something to their baby. - They had your name in them.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51They could name their baby after me, so it'd have the right name.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56- So they named their baby after the name in your pants?- Yeah!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- TOY BUZZES - Just leave that...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02leave the electrics alone, we don't want to go to casualty on Boxing Day.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07- They could be strange creatures from another planet... - Not the Aliens again.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- And they think clothes are food, so they...- They're going to eat your pants?
0:07:10 > 0:07:15- Or maybe...- Go and put some pants on!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Right, best get moving.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Don't want Dad to get agitated or anxious. Oh, God.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- What?- Oh, I keep thinking about that documentary.- Sue.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28The old people's home, where everyone's mistreated and...
0:07:28 > 0:07:32that statistic of how many old people die in the first year of being put into...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Listen...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36you did the right thing by your dad.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40You checked that place out really thoroughly, didn't you?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42He hasn't said anything, has he?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44No, he's OK...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47He did have that run-in with the Russian carer.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50She over-reacted.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Your dad's generation just aren't...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54politically correct, are they?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58And he's right, she does look a bit like Stalin...
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- The moustache doesn't help.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07SMASH Mum! I think the robbers might have broken your bedside lamp!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Oh, for... Oh, just leave it!
0:08:09 > 0:08:15What have you put about the back gate being open? That would make the claim invalid, wouldn't it?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16It wasn't me.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Well, I've put that they forced it open...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23which they sort of did...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26except by using the handle and turning...
0:08:26 > 0:08:31But it is quite stiff, so they might well have had to do that...
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- forcibly.- Yeah, but as long as everyone knows that it wasn't me.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Yes, yes, yes, we know...
0:08:40 > 0:08:46Actually darling, if a man comes and asks if the gate was left unlocked...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- (it wasn't).- But it was.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Well, yes...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54but don't say it was unlocked.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- But it was.- Just say it wasn't... - So you want me to lie.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02So you're always saying "Oh, don't lie" but now you're saying "do lie".
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Now you're saying, "Karen, lie".
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Well, how about... you just don't say anything?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- But what if he asks me? - He won't.- But what if he does?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Then just say, "I don't know".
0:09:14 > 0:09:17But I do know. You told me it was unlocked.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20We could have made a mistake.
0:09:20 > 0:09:26Or you could have lied. Because you're lying to the insurance man now, so you could be always lying.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Well...er...- So I'll just say that Mummy and Daddy
0:09:30 > 0:09:36said that the gate was locked but they are big, fat liars.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Well, that was Christmassy.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Will they come back? Will the burglars come back?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47What, the burglars could come back?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Er, no, Karen, 'course not, no-one's saying that. The burglars aren't coming...
0:09:51 > 0:09:56But they could hit us with their iron bars when... when...when we're asleep.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57No-one's going to hit you with anything.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Anyway, robbers just want to take your stuff, not hurt you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- What about the Vikings? - Vikings?- Yeah, the Vikings.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05They would rob you AND hurt you.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Actually, historians now think that the Vikings weren't nearly as violent...
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Can we not worry about the history here...- And what about the thuggies?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- They'd rob you and steal your kids for slaves...- Ben!- ..and then they'd burn your house down.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- They could just...- Ben!- ..pin you a table...- Ben.- ..and go,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"du-du-du-du-du" all over you until you're little pieces of meat,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25then bury you under their palace.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- There aren't people like that round now.- But what about the things that ARE now, like...
0:10:29 > 0:10:34- Ben.- ..you know, that group of Mexican women who'd invite you round to their house for smoothies...
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- That was in Mexico. - ..they'd drug you.- Ben! - And they hurt somebody cos
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- there were those two wrestling dwarfs who came round...- Wrestling dwarfs.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- ..one of the women's houses. She gave them her smoothies...- Ben!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46..and they drunk them cos they were so small,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- and they had a dwarfing illness and...- And none of this family...
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- ..it affected their system and they just died.- ..are dwarf wrestlers.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- Can you stop him? - Where are you learning this stuff? - I think it was in RE.
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Listen, Karen, you don't have to worry about robbers coming back.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05And in the unlikely event that they did, they'd only come when people were out.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10You said they were stupid and take drugs and if they were stupid and take drugs,
0:11:10 > 0:11:16they wouldn't be able to know if the light was on in our house or if the light was on in their head.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Eh, eh, eh, come on.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Listen, you, come here...
0:11:20 > 0:11:25You have got absolutely nothing to worry about, OK?
0:11:25 > 0:11:26OK.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31Yeah, I promise you, as your dad, that those robbers are never,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33ever coming back.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- OK.- OK? Off you go.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Bet you they do come back, now.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49- Pete!- Bob and Jean got turned over four times on the trot...- Shh! - ..and they've got an Alsatian.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51No, you can't, Ben, because A,
0:11:51 > 0:11:56that experiment is WAY too complicated for your new chemistry set,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59and B, that's probably how swine flu started.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Ooh. There's water coming out of it now.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Oh, God, well I definitely can't turn the valve off that way...
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- I've dropped the barbecue tongs. - Oh, for...
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- Ben, your dinosaur doesn't look much like a dinosaur any more... - Karen, shut up.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14It looks more like a, er...
0:12:14 > 0:12:17a jellyfish that's been in a fire.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22If you don't shut up, I'm going to throw this radiator on top of you, so just shush your head up...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Ok, everyone keep calm. - Dad, turn the thing off.
0:12:24 > 0:12:31Ben...banging your head against the wall is not keeping calm.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Mum, everyone downloads for free.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37If you want me to be the only kid in the world who pays for his music
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- then maybe I should get more pocket money.- Come off it, Jake.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45- Listen, titch. Look... - Hey, you're only a few millimetres taller than me.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- Yeah, but from here on in you're just going to keep getting shorter. - Oi!
0:12:49 > 0:12:55Look, I'm just saying, Daddy, you shouldn't have really got any presents,
0:12:55 > 0:12:59because you don't believe in God and Jesus and all that stuff.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- But it's OK for you to get loads, is it?- Well, obviously, cos I'm a Christian.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Well, you are at Christmas.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- What?- Nothing. Look, I can see it, I can see it, so...
0:13:08 > 0:13:14Ben, you get ready to flick. And, Karen, when I say "grab"...
0:13:14 > 0:13:15grab, OK?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- So...flick and grab! - Ooh, ooh, ooh, I've got it!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- That's the barbecue tongs out.. - What about my dinosaur?
0:13:21 > 0:13:26- Well, I'll have another try later. I've got the lunch to...- But it's my favourite dinosaur. It'll melt...
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- OK, OK. Look, calm down. - Come back. It's my favourite toy.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- Listen both of you, why don't you just go and relax in front of the telly?- Oh, OK.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Karen? I said you could both go and watch the telly.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43I think my arm's stuck.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46- 'Course it is.- Ow.
0:13:46 > 0:13:52And, when Dad buys his Oasis CDs, he's just sort of giving money to the Gallaghers, isn't he?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56And Noel has said in the past that he used to spend all his money on drugs and stuff,
0:13:56 > 0:14:00so you're basically just giving money to drug barons who will likely spend it on guns
0:14:00 > 0:14:03and then go and kill bloody peasants. I mean how moral is that, Mum?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Well, that's all very ingenious, Jake, but the fact remains
0:14:07 > 0:14:10that illegal downloading is just theft.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Like fiddling the insurance company?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17What are you watching?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Well, it was some really cool pictures of an earthquake
0:14:20 > 0:14:23but now it's just some stupid men in suits coming on and saying sorry.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Yeah, this is rubbish.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Ah, it's a review of the year.
0:14:27 > 0:14:302009, the year of the apology.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Who are those three?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35They're bankers. They're apologising to the country.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- What for?- Well, they lost a lot of our money...
0:14:38 > 0:14:44so then we had to give them even more of our money to replace our money that they'd lost.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47But they're idiots. They should be fired.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Well, he is...and was. That's Sir Fred Goodwin.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52He was fired?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Then what happened to him?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56We...
0:14:56 > 0:14:59gave him more of our money.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- Oh, there's Gordon Brown.- Boo, get him off.- Is he saying sorry?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05No, that'd take too long.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07In terms of the morality of it...
0:15:07 > 0:15:12Look, this isn't about morality, it's about insurance. They're two entirely different concepts.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- So, you're saying it's OK to fiddle the insurance company?- Yes.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20It's really no different from my downloads, is it?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Well, yes, it is, actually. - Basically, what you're doing is just theft.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Well, everyone else does it.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it OK.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Da-ad?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Dad?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Dad?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Who are those funny little men?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44One looks like Yoda and the other looks like He Pingping.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Funny little men? Those are the Ghurkhas, they're very fierce soldiers.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51And who's that...the big one...
0:15:51 > 0:15:56the big one with the blonde hair and the teeth? Is she a Ghurkha as well?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- Joanna Lume-ley, that's what it says, anyway.- Lumley.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01No, Lume-ley.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Lumley. - But it says there, "Joanna Lume-ley".
0:16:05 > 0:16:09I'm sure there's no need to worry. Often, they just fall asleep and...
0:16:10 > 0:16:15- Dad?- Are you sure he's not in one of the communal...- Very sure... - Look, let's not get worried.
0:16:15 > 0:16:21No. I AM worried. And, as someone in charge of an old folk's home who has just lost an old...folk...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I think YOU should be worried.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Well, it's possible he's...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27popped out.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Popped out?
0:16:29 > 0:16:30No, "Lume-ley".
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Lumley.- "Lume-ley".
0:16:32 > 0:16:36I'll have to talk to your teachers.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Oh, High Noon. You'll love this, it's brilliant.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41No, it's not. You made us watch it last Christmas, it's rubbish.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45That Sheriff only has to kill three men.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- What kind of a film is that? - Well, it's a good film.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51A hero should have to kill more than three people.
0:16:51 > 0:16:57Just imagine how short The Matrix II would be if Keanu Reeves only had to kill three people, instead of 167,
0:16:57 > 0:17:01not counting that man who flies off the back of the lorry - he might have survived.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02- Yes, but this... - DOORBELL RINGS
0:17:02 > 0:17:03I'll get it.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Oh, who's that going to be?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Maybe it's Jane. - What, an hour early?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I haven't seen any comets or...
0:17:09 > 0:17:13horses eating their young, so there is no way it's going to be....
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Hiya!
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Oh...my...God.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22This is from this morning...
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Nothing there...
0:17:26 > 0:17:27nothing there.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I knew a home was a mistake.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- It's fine.- Ah! Found him.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36That's good. He's with Mack.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I wonder where they've got to this time.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41This time?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- They've probably toddled off to the pub.- How do they get past the keypads on the doors?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Oh, I wish I knew.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50So you're saying that there's a particular pub they go to?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52They're probably not up to finding a particular pub...
0:17:52 > 0:17:55but if they wander long enough they come across one in the end.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56PHONE RINGS
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Hello?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Oh, hello, hi...
0:18:01 > 0:18:06So I just thought it'd just be silly to go home, come back out again.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I hope being early's not a problem.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Good grief, no, no, it's, er,
0:18:12 > 0:18:13it's a nice surprise.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21So your Christmas present to us is a goat?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Yeah!
0:18:24 > 0:18:30The desert is encroaching on Sub-Saharan villages and, for them, a goat makes a huge difference.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34So it's a present to the Sub-Saharans?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Well, no, it's yours, but it's them who get to use it...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- and you can enjoy that. - But that's not...
0:18:41 > 0:18:42I think it's a terrific gift.
0:18:42 > 0:18:48- Look, Jane, why don't you take the kids and go play some games in the living room?- Oh, God, no, Pete.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I'll keep you company. You don't want to be left on your own.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Right...
0:18:55 > 0:18:56CRUNCH
0:18:56 > 0:19:01- Seven.- I was so upset when I heard about your burglary.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02It's horrible, isn't it?
0:19:02 > 0:19:06You think they're going to come back and murder you in your bed.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Yeah, but that won't happen, will it?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, if they've got keys you could walk through the door
0:19:13 > 0:19:16and find some knife-wielding psychopath waiting to stab you.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Yeah, but they haven't got our keys.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23They didn't take our keys, so we've nothing to worry about.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Have we?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Oh... No. Sorry...
0:19:28 > 0:19:34- you've got nothing to worry about, that's for sure.- That's right.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37But it is such a violation. You just want to go out and kill the people who did it.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Are you allowed to do that?- No.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Oh, my God!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- Ben! I've told you.- Sorry...
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Go easy with the dismembered hand!
0:19:47 > 0:19:52Ahhh! The hand of doom is ripping my face off!
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- So it's definitely MY goat?- Yeah...
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Actually, Karen, if you don't mind?- All right, then.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I'd like to see my goat.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I'm just going to...
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Could I go to Sub-Sahara or something?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Well, I don't think...- Or can it come to me for the weekend?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Well...I think the cost of transporting a goat on a plane...for the weekend...
0:20:17 > 0:20:24So it's going to grow up, have baby goats, grow old and then die without me even ever seeing it?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26We can talk about it later.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30It's a very ugly goat, as well.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33No, you can't shoot burglars. So only the police can shoot burglars?
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- No, they can't.- So when they catch a burglar they can only whack him with a big stick?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42No, Ben...the police can't whack burglars with a big stick.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47I think Winnie is the wrong name for a goat. Because goats don't whinny, horses whinny.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- Goats go "baaaa", like sheep, but a bit different.- Let's, er...
0:20:52 > 0:20:58- Is this actually a photograph of MY goat, or is it just a goat?- Er... I don't know.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03- So, maybe I won't even ever get to see a PHOTO of my goat... - Shall we go downstairs?
0:21:03 > 0:21:07So, it's not actually a present to me, it's a present to some Sub-Saharans.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10All right! All right, it's a Christmas present to some Sub-Saharans!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Right then, I'm fine with that.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16I've got loads of Christmas presents anyway.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Can soldiers shoot people?- Yep.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24So, I'm going to be a soldier...and shoot burglars.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28No, no, no. If you're a soldier you still can't shoot burglars.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- So how can you stop burglars if can't shoot them?- Well, you... - You could get an aye-aye.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- A what?- You know, Brazilian little bush baby things.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39The aye-ayes are really, really cool creatures
0:21:39 > 0:21:43and there's a myth that says that when you look an aye-aye in the eye...
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- you die.- Look, I've got to concentrate on this.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50So you could have an aye-aye hiding and then when they open the door, the Aye Aye would just go...
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- I'll put it to the Neighbourhood Watch.- Can you set wild dogs on burglars?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- No.- Electrocuted door knobs to make their...
0:21:56 > 0:21:57- No!- Dig traps in the garden?- No, Ben.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59You cannot dig tr...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04You've dug another trap in the garden, haven't you?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Dad!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Hey! Hello, love.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- What a coincidence!- No, Dad.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14It's not a coincidence, we've been searching high and low for you.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- We've even had the police out looking for you.- Have you?
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- Yes. You're meant to be coming to ours for lunch.- Am I?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Yes, Granddad. It's Boxing Day.
0:22:23 > 0:22:29Oh...well, I find it a bit tricky keeping track of the days, so to be honest I don't really bother.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Oh, where are my manners? Er, this is Mack.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- Mack this is my daughter, Sue and my grandson Ben.- Jake.- Jake.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Whare ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Been in the hoose tae champ the tatties.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Robbie Burns. He can't remember bugger all, but he can remember all that.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Old clothes looked as good as new.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I don't understand everything he says.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56Right, well, look, we'll drop Mack back at the home and then we'll take you onto ours, OK?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Did you understand what I said, Dad?
0:23:00 > 0:23:05- Yeah, you're dropping Mack back at Colditz.- So we'll... why do you call it Colditz?- Eh?
0:23:05 > 0:23:06You called it Colditz.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Why did you call it Colditz? - What?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- Come on, Mum, let's go. - But he called it Colditz.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Aye, we escaped from Colditz.- See?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15They keep calling it Colditz!
0:23:15 > 0:23:19I know, Mum, but we've got to get Mack back at the home, and we're late already. Let's just go.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21You're right. OK, come on, you two.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24..and then when married men find out you're a single mum,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27they just hit on you... all the time.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Do they? Mmm...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Is there anything I can do to help, Pete?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- No, you're fine. - Just tell me if there is.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34No, you're fine.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35KAREN SCREAMS
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It's lovely being surrounded by kids at Christmas.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- Yes...lovely.- Of course, my little Alexa's with her father.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44His lawyer threatened me.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46What kind of a dad does that?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- I tell you Pete, he is such a...- Kids!
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Who wants to watch a DVD?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53You and Jane can watch a nice DVD while we're waiting for the others to arrive.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Yeah, let's watch a DVD!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Yay!- Right, let's see what we've got here.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Gladiator...Groundhog Day...
0:24:02 > 0:24:06A slice of ham...
0:24:06 > 0:24:11- Christmas Carol, how about that? - I love that.- Oh, no, not Christmas Carol.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- I can't watch that.- Well, why not?
0:24:13 > 0:24:18- It's because of Bob Scratchit. He's an idiot.- Why?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Well, Scrooge is horrible to him for thousands and thousands of years
0:24:22 > 0:24:28and now he just, now he buys them one goose
0:24:28 > 0:24:31and suddenly it's, "Oh, do come in, Mr Scrooge.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- "Thank you, Mr Scrooge". - The Cratchits can see Scrooge has changed.
0:24:34 > 0:24:40One day of niceness doesn't make up for thousands of days of horribleness.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- No, but...- If Hitler said "Oh, sorry I bombed loads of people,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48"but I promise that I'll be good for the rest of my life",
0:24:48 > 0:24:52and then he bought everybody a goose, would we let him off?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Well, I think if Hitler had...
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Doesn't have to be Christmas Carol.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02OK, Dad. I'll just get Mack back inside and explain to the staff that
0:25:02 > 0:25:04you're coming home to lunch with us, OK?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh! Mack's coming to lunch with us.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08That's lovely, cheers, Sue.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11No...no, Dad. Mack is having his lunch here.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15So, you hop out of the car, Mack, and I'll...
0:25:15 > 0:25:18No, Dad, you don't need to get out because you're coming to ours.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Right.- So you stay in the car...
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- and Mack, you hop out and I'll take you back inside. - Where are you taking Mack?
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- Inside. I just said that.- Yeah, I'm sorry but you were muttering.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Come on, Mack.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37- Oh, for God's sake, Dad! - No, Granddad. Get in the car, you're staying with me.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Come on, Mack.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45We can watch the football tonight, Granddad. Fulham and Chelsea.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I grew up watching Chelsea.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48I used to stand under...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Under the big Bovril sign. Yeah, I know.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52They had some great players in those days...
0:25:52 > 0:25:57Roy Bentley, Eric Parsons, Frankie Blunstone, Reggie Kray...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02No, that's not right. Reggie...
0:26:02 > 0:26:06I bet lunches are lively here, are they?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Too lively, too much yakking.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I always have my lunch with Frank.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13In his room.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Always. Together. Always.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Well...I'm afraid we've borrowed him today. Still, he'll be back...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Come on then, Mack. In we go...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23For God's sake!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Sorry. He's faster than he looks.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Are you OK, Pete? Is there anything else I can do to help?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34No, no you're fine. Everything's under control.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Why don't you go back in and watch some more DVDs?
0:26:36 > 0:26:42Oh, no. The kids got bored and now they're watching the Christmas edition of World's Weirdest Bodies.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Oh, God.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Well, Sue'll be back soon.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47MOBILE BEEPS Oh.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I know who that's from.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- Alexa?- No, her dad.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56He likes to send me these nasty little messages.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Take a look. Go on.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02No... I don't mind.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Really.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Oh...that IS nasty.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12That is, that is really nasty...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14He sent me three on Christmas Day.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17All gloating that he had Alexa.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24I wasn't...always like this, y'know.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I used to be a moderately together...sort of person.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Well, compared to this.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35You're looking at what happens when all the confidence gets kicked out of a person.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Sorry...I'll leave you to it, I'll go through...
0:27:40 > 0:27:44No, no, stay. Let's chat. Do you want a...?
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Dad, come quick! There's a woman with a head like a pumpkin!
0:27:48 > 0:27:53- There's not much Christmas spirit in that, is there? - Oh, my God, she's horrible!
0:27:53 > 0:27:54That's horrendous!
0:27:54 > 0:27:59Now, come on, come on. It is rather unkind watching this kind of...
0:27:59 > 0:28:00My God, look at that.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05- Look at her face! - I bet she's popular on Halloween... - No, come on.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07What...what's wrong with you?
0:28:07 > 0:28:12- That was really interesting! You can't just turn it off! - Look, look.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16- The baby Jesus...- Turn it back on! - ..was not born in a...stable...
0:28:16 > 0:28:20- It's so unfair!- ..so we could sit around watching pumpkin-headed women.
0:28:20 > 0:28:27- Or dwarves with massive breasts...in the wrong places.- Come on, let's do something festive. I know, games!
0:28:27 > 0:28:32- Is his name Peter? - No.- Then what is his name?
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Ahh...clever.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- Have I ever murdered anybody?- Yep.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38- Really?- Yeah.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Am I known for...sort of...er...
0:28:41 > 0:28:43for being sort of troubled?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Is he...er, a historical figure?
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Hopefully, soon.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Does my name begin with an "S"?
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Are you looking through the paper?
0:28:54 > 0:28:58- Do I have some sort of eating disorder?- Osama Bin Laden!- Yeah.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02- Well done.- Finally, somebody cool. - Someone cool? How can you think...
0:29:02 > 0:29:03One, he has a gun.
0:29:03 > 0:29:09- Two, he likes to blow things up, three, he's got a really cool beard. - Since when was that cool?
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Four, he's had a hiding place for ages and five, he sings Numa Numa really well on YouTube.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17But he's not cool though, is he? He's a terrorist. He blew up the twin towers.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Hi, it's us.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23They are here. Ok, everyone, lunch in minus five. Hi Frank, Happy Christmas.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- And Happy Christmas. - Happy Boxing Day, Granddad!
0:29:26 > 0:29:31- Granddad, do you want to play "Who Am I"?- Er...
0:29:31 > 0:29:34I think that's probably not a very Granddad-friendly game, Ben.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37- Look, why don't you sit down, Frank? - Right.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41- Do you remember Jane, Granddad? - No.- Oh...
0:29:41 > 0:29:46- Granddad, I did this picture for you.- Oh, yes?- This is you.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49That's your unicorn...
0:29:49 > 0:29:54and you're fighting Osama Bin Laden, Voldemort,
0:29:54 > 0:29:58and that's the creepy woman that sits next to Simon Cowell and I can't remember her name.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01How is everything? Jane, did you get here all right?
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Yes, actually I was an hour early.
0:30:04 > 0:30:05(Sorry.)
0:30:05 > 0:30:11No, it's been fine. You're right, it's nice to do something for people who are on their own at Christmas.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Uh-huh? Yeah, er, this is Mack.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18- Hiya.- He's going to be joining us for lunch.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21HE SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY
0:30:24 > 0:30:28- Is he Albanian?- Ah...No, no darling. He's from Scotland.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31- Right, who's for a drink? - Wee Johnnie Walker'd be nice.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34- I'll get that.- Here, Mack, look,
0:30:34 > 0:30:39- Karen's done me this lovely drawing. - That horse has got a javelin coming out its heid.
0:30:39 > 0:30:40No, it's a unicorn!
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Look, that's a horse right? And that's its heid.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45This is a unicorn... what do you mean "heid"?
0:30:45 > 0:30:48- Heid, heid...heid.- This is "head".
0:30:48 > 0:30:51- Aye, heid, heid. - What language are you speaking?
0:30:51 > 0:30:55- I'm speaking English, hen. - I'm sorry! What could I do? The poor man has no-one.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59I couldn't leave him there on his own. They call it Colditz!
0:30:59 > 0:31:02- What do you mean, a wee bit? - A wee bit, a totty bit.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04- Do you mean a "tiny" bit? - Aye, a tiny bit.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08- Why d'you say "wee", then? - "Wee" is the same thing as "totty".
0:31:08 > 0:31:13A totty wee bit is even wee-er than a wee bit. You're getting to totty, totty, totty, totty...
0:31:13 > 0:31:17- till you disappear, until you're naen.- Ni-in?
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Naen! So, do you want me to talk like you then?
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Well, no. I'm not saying I want you to, but why don't you?
0:31:23 > 0:31:25But why should I? I talk like this all the time.
0:31:25 > 0:31:30- So, Mack...do you like football? - Aye, I used to play inside right for St Mirren.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33- Who's St Mirren?- A football team.
0:31:33 > 0:31:38- What's an inside right? - At Chelsea, I used to stand under the great big Bovril sign.
0:31:38 > 0:31:42- Inside right what?- Inside right is just inside the outside right, just ahead of the right half.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Is this football we're talking about?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46They had some great players in those days...
0:31:46 > 0:31:53Roy Bentley, Frankie Blunstone, Reggie...Reggie er...Dixon. No, he played the organ.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56So, what's for first course, chef?
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Well, my speciality... hamster soup.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03- What!- It's a joke, Karen. - Well, there are some things you don't joke about.
0:32:03 > 0:32:08We're not going to declare a national day of mourning for one lost hamster.
0:32:08 > 0:32:09Perhaps it'll find its way back.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12I doubt it. I mean they're not a very bright animal.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16Yeah, well, hamsters can store food in its cheeks and I bet you can't do that.
0:32:16 > 0:32:20- Depends which cheeks. - Peter!- Maybe the burglar took the hamster for lunch.
0:32:20 > 0:32:24- You can't say that! You let him out...- That's enough hamster-based...
0:32:24 > 0:32:27- What's this about a burglary?- Oh, it's nothing to worry about, Dad.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Just a minor break in. Nothing much was taken.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33Yeah, just over £300 worth... and going up all the time.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Pete, he keeps banging on about the insurance thing.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38We're going to have to do something.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41You could do with stronger locks on these doors.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45Bolts top and bottom, a mortice deadlock...that's what you need.
0:32:45 > 0:32:50- Something that'll give ye a wee bit of resistance. - You seem very knowledgeable, Mack.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Aye, well, for ten years I was a security consultant.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55- Oh, yeah?- And for 20 years before that I was a burglar.
0:32:55 > 0:32:56This looks tasty.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03- Did he just say he was a burglar? - Yep.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07- OK, everyone. This looks lovely... - Well done, chef.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09- Yeah, let's tuck in. - Starving!- Excuse me.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13Are we not gonnae say grace?
0:33:16 > 0:33:20- Well, we...we...we don't usually... - We're not really religious, y'see.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23We don't... It's not something...
0:33:23 > 0:33:26I just thought we've all got our health and all this lovely food,
0:33:26 > 0:33:30when there's loads of people out there with nothing.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38Yes, I suppose you're right.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Some hae meat and cannae eat and some hae naen that want it.
0:33:42 > 0:33:47But we hae meat and we can eat, so let the Lord be thank it.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- Very nice.- Amen.- Yes, very nice.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52KAREN: I didn't understand a word of that.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54- Roaring?- King Kong!
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Frankenstein. It's got four syllables, he's really fat.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- I don't know, I give up. - It's impossible.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03- Shrek!- I thought you said it was four syllables.- Yes...
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Sh-R-E-K. Shrek.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09- Oh, God!- No...shhh... no, shhhr...
0:34:09 > 0:34:11- Drown! Swim! Drowning bunny!- Stag?
0:34:11 > 0:34:15- Zombie!- Drowning deer! Drowning stag!
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Drowning, drowning fish.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20- Pigeon...drowning.- Finding Nemo!
0:34:20 > 0:34:25- We give up. What is it? Just tell us. - It's An Inconvenient Truth!
0:34:25 > 0:34:29The icebergs are melting and a polar bear is drowning.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31OK. Third word. TV. OK.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33- Dinosaur!- Dead?
0:34:33 > 0:34:37Hit the dead! Kill the dead!
0:34:37 > 0:34:41Slap, slap the dead! Strangle...swat the dead!
0:34:41 > 0:34:42Shoot the dead!
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- Smack the dead!- Annoy the dead!
0:34:45 > 0:34:49- Shake the dead!- Waking The Dead!
0:34:49 > 0:34:50Finally!
0:34:50 > 0:34:53OK, my turn.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55You ready? It's a book.
0:34:55 > 0:34:59- Old man with a stick shouting. - Angry blind man.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02You're right, this is definitely what Christmas is about, isn't it?
0:35:02 > 0:35:08Throwing your home open to family and friends and...ex-burglars.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11A lion...with an animal... old man and his dog?
0:35:11 > 0:35:13And it's definitely a book?
0:35:13 > 0:35:15What book do you think Ben is doing?
0:35:15 > 0:35:17Elephant? Ellie the elephant?
0:35:17 > 0:35:23I've got this terrible feeling he's doing the Bible...all of the Bible.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27- Rabbit! Kangaroo!- I think that's Noah and the Ark...- Oh, God.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30- Hunchback!- You see? There are the crabs going in two by two.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34- Top up?- Musician?- Flute?
0:35:34 > 0:35:35- Trumpet!- Miles Davis!
0:35:35 > 0:35:39Ahh, he's got to Joshua and the Battle of Jericho.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41I'm not looking forward to Sodom and Gomorrah.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45- Angry.- Angry old man... Alan Sugar!
0:35:48 > 0:35:53There you go. Returned safe and sound and looking forward to his lunch. One lost dad.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Erm...that's not my dad.
0:35:55 > 0:35:59- What?- We found my dad. I did ring the station, did no-one tell you?
0:35:59 > 0:36:02I asked you, specifically, if you were Frank....
0:36:02 > 0:36:06father of Sue Brockman and you said, "yes, I am".
0:36:06 > 0:36:07Yep, I'm Frank.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10But you told me... Oh, for...
0:36:10 > 0:36:14I'm telling you, sometimes there is a case for police brutality.
0:36:14 > 0:36:15I'm starving.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Well, I suppose I could take him along to "Crisis at Christmas",
0:36:19 > 0:36:22but I was there earlier and they were really struggling.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26Though what would be handy is if someone were to just take him in and give him some lunch...
0:36:26 > 0:36:28as a gesture of seasonal good will?
0:36:28 > 0:36:32- Well... - Sorry, we're a bit good-willed out.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34We've already got a full house, I'm afraid.
0:36:34 > 0:36:39Oh...right. OK. Come on, you.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Try the Harrisons at number 27.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44They're Christians.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47- Peter!- Well, that'll teach them to keep shoving leaflets through our letterbox.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Just off to the bog.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53- Ooh, Dad. Y'know, the home...where you're living?- What, Colditz?
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Yeah, why do you keep calling it Colditz?
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Is there something wrong with it, is it horrible?
0:36:59 > 0:37:03- No...I like it.- So why do you keep calling it Colditz?
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Well...for a laugh.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07- For a laugh?- Yeah, it's a joke.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11Colditz. You need to relax and see the funny side of things, Sue.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15It's always been your problem. Reggie Matthews! That was him!
0:37:15 > 0:37:20Yeah, goalie, Chelsea and England! Yeah, Reg Matthews.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Zombie! Leper!
0:37:24 > 0:37:27Baddie with arms in-front of him.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29- Leper...er...Mummy... Err... - Ah. He's got as far as Lazarus.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32- Mummy, Mummy 2.- What is it?
0:37:32 > 0:37:35- Jake, could we have a little word about something?- Oh, for...
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Look, it was Ben who downloaded it.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41No, no it's not about... whatever that turns out to be.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43It's about our insurance claim for the robbery.
0:37:43 > 0:37:48- Oh.- And we know that you think that we're guilty of double standards.
0:37:48 > 0:37:55- And we have taken that on board. - And so we've decided we're not going to make a false claim.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59OK. Cheers, guys.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07- Do you think he bought that?- Yeah, kids are so gullible. Drink?- Mm.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Everyone ready?
0:38:11 > 0:38:16# Take my sister to the picture show
0:38:16 > 0:38:21# Bang, bang, bang! With Frankie's gun, he shot me down.
0:38:21 > 0:38:27# Bang, bang, bang! With Frankie's gun, he shot me down!
0:38:27 > 0:38:30# He shot me down! He shot me down...
0:38:34 > 0:38:36# Sha la la
0:38:36 > 0:38:37# Sha la la la
0:38:40 > 0:38:41# Sha la la
0:38:47 > 0:38:49# Sha la la la
0:38:50 > 0:38:52# Sha la la
0:38:52 > 0:38:53# Sha la la
0:38:53 > 0:38:55# Sha la la
0:38:56 > 0:38:58# Sha la la
0:38:58 > 0:38:59# Sha la la
0:38:59 > 0:39:01# Sha la la
0:39:03 > 0:39:08# He shot me down, He shot me down, he shot me down
0:39:08 > 0:39:13# Sha la la, sha la la, sha la la
0:39:16 > 0:39:18KAREN: Now can we sing along to Sex On Fire?