0:00:02 > 0:00:08- 29!- Ben, stop playing spot the chav and sit down.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09I'm not telling you again.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12So, the flag wasn't flying over Buckingham Palace
0:00:12 > 0:00:14so the Queen's not there.
0:00:14 > 0:00:22- That's right.- So, the Queen's out wearing hats and shaking hands with people.- The Queen's boring.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25The olden day kings and queens were much better.
0:00:25 > 0:00:31I mean, like, Mary burned and killed 500 people which was why she was nicknamed Bloody Mary,
0:00:31 > 0:00:38but she should have been nicknamed something a bit like...Ashy Mary or Flamey Mary or Bloody Flamey Mary.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- Ben, don't...- Number 30! - Ben, can you stop embarrassing me?
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- Sit down!- Thank you for giving me such wonderful grandchildren.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- Well...- I'm so proud Karen is top in her class.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I don't think the school do class positions actually, Sandra.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58- But she had that badge - First In Class.- Yeah, she made that.
0:00:58 > 0:01:03We had to get her to take it off because it was causing a bit of friction with the other kids.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05And teachers. And the parents.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10- Everyone, actually.- 32. - And Ben's so bright, as well.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14And I love his attitude, he just throws himself into everything.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- Including septic tanks.- Sorry?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh, it's a long story.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22He did it for a bet. Won a conker.
0:01:22 > 0:01:28The French had some great kings, like the one who thought he was made of glass.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Which one was that?
0:01:29 > 0:01:33King Charles The Mad. Why can't we have somebody like that, dad?
0:01:33 > 0:01:38- Well, we might have soon. - And there was also King George III. He was cool. He talked to trees.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43- Why can't we have any like that? - We definitely have one of those. - Argh!- What's your problem, Jake?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45It's flipping run out of battery, the stupid phone.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50Oh, yeah, it's so stupid it forgot to plug itself in and recharge itself. Why do you need a phone?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53So I can talk to people who aren't sarcastic.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55What's this trip got to do with World War II?
0:01:55 > 0:02:02This day out is supposed to be researching my World War II project.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07- Not entirely. We're having a nice... - How am I going to win if we don't go out anywhere World War II-ish?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10This is so nice, chatting with you like this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:16- You're more like a sister than a daughter-in-law. You're my best mate.- Thanks.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Listen, Sue,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I'd like you to have this.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I had some National Savings Certificates and stuff, so...
0:02:25 > 0:02:29£3,000! No, Sandra...
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- You can use it to help get Ben and Karen into a good state secondary. - What, do you mean for tuition?
0:02:33 > 0:02:40- No, no. You know, as a donation. - A bribe?
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Well, isn't that how things work?
0:02:41 > 0:02:46No! No, you have to pretend to be religious or lie about where you live.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Oh. And which are you going to do?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Neither.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Well, we did think about the religion, but it...
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Well, Peter was wrong, the rain's held off.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I said, "Brenda, you should be as lucky as me.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04"I've got the best daughter-in-law in the world. Oh, look at that..."
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- And what can the Queen do? Can she tell her army to attack people?- No.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Could she burn Protestants?
0:03:08 > 0:03:13- No. She is a Protestant.- Can she say who's on the Royal Variety Show?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- No.- Well, then that's unfair!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- What's the point of being Queen if you can't boss anybody about? - Well...
0:03:19 > 0:03:24- What would happen if the Queen and the Prime Minister had a fight? - Well, constitutionally the Prime...
0:03:24 > 0:03:28No, no, no. If there was an actual fight between the Queen and the Prime Minister.
0:03:28 > 0:03:35I mean, she may be old, but she might be able to stick her finger in his only eye.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40- Well, I don't think Gordon Brown's...- In some pictures it looks like Gordon Brown's got two eyes.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Do they paint the other one on?
0:03:42 > 0:03:47I think if she's Queen she should be able to chop people's heads off.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49The Queen can just kill people!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- She killed Diana.- No she didn't! - Well, her husband did.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55He didn't. You've been watching Channel Five again, haven't you?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56HORN BEEPS
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Oh, for... It's easing off, let's get off here.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04- This isn't Trafalgar Square.- No, but it's close enough, it can't be far. - Karen, don't run off.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06What if a Prime Minister of another...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Your phone's dead, just enjoy what we're doing.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- Look, London is this amazing place where all these amazing events have happened.- HAVE happened.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Not happening now, are they?
0:04:15 > 0:04:20History, the study of stuff that's not happening any more, and you spend your life teaching it.
0:04:20 > 0:04:27Listen, Sandra, it's such a lot of money I'm going to have to discuss it with Pete.
0:04:27 > 0:04:33Are you absolutely sure that Ian's OK with you giving it to us?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Oh, you have talked to Ian about it, haven't you?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39No, we haven't talked about it.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43We never really talk about anything, to tell you the truth. To be honest, the marriage is dead.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I suppose I should divorce him really, but I can't face the paperwork.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- 47!- Ben!
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Your granny is treating us to this day out so don't spoil it for everyone.
0:04:55 > 0:05:01Pete, I specifically asked you not to leave me alone with your mother.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Well, you...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04You're such a good listener.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Yeah, well, you need to talk to her because she wants to give us a cheque.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Hang on, we've lost Ben already.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Karen!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Die!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Die, Aslan, die!- Oh, God!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Here we go.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Argh, the lion is eating me! Help!
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Can you tell me, please, what any of this has to do
0:05:27 > 0:05:29with World War II and my project?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Yeah, I said it would take in elements of World War...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34We haven't been taking in any elements of World War II.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Well, Trafalgar Square was very important and World War II, Karen.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42When the war was over a lot of people came here to celebrate
0:05:42 > 0:05:45and they had a big party and everyone got drunk.
0:05:45 > 0:05:51- And those ones over there still haven't gone home!- Sorry? - Those drunks over there.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55It was a... I was just... Never mind.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Hey, is your sleeve wet?
0:05:58 > 0:06:03- Have you been taking money out of the fountain?- Yes. Do you want me to get you some?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- No, I don't!- Well, people threw it in there...
0:06:05 > 0:06:09You can't take money that people have put in the fountain because it's not your money.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- That's the point. - I know, but it's not theirs any more. Now it's the fountain's.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- The fountain can't do anything if I take it.- No, people put money...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19They're idiots. You're allowed to take money from idiots.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24- But they put money in the fountain because they were making a wish. - A wish?- Yeah, a wish.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29But why would you throw money in some water to make a wish?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Well, I don't know, it's just... - Look, mummy, I used to believe
0:06:32 > 0:06:39in all wishes and all this nonsense, but then my wish about Ben and the hyenas didn't come true.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Hyenas?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43You cannot take that dead pigeon home with you!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45But it'll be a cool experiment.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I'll see which bits decompose first.
0:06:47 > 0:06:53Yes, you've already done that experiment with the dead crow that your mum found in your sock drawer.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58- The feathers lasted longer than the feet.- And indeed longer than the drawer, which we had to burn.
0:06:58 > 0:07:06Well, if people keep putting money in then it could build up, then all the water could flow out
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- and then it could go down into the Underground. - Well, that's not going to...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Then the trains won't be able to go because they would just slide off...
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- Karen...- And that would be the end of all London.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18And I'm preventing all that from happening.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Karen, Ben? Come on, group shot. Come on, guys.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Look, a mime.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Where's my shotgun?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Right, line up.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Still, mum looks like she's having a good time, though.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36She's just told me her marriage is dead.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Dead?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Yeah, she said that she and your dad don't talk any more and that the marriage is dead.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- Oh, right.- That's awful, isn't it?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Well, I knew that her and dad haven't connected for a while...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50She must be feeling miserable.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52You need to talk to her.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Me?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56No. No, I don't think I should. I mean, I...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I can't talk to her about personal things.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01She's my mum.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06So, when I say "now", could you raise your hat, please?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09No, I haven't said "now", I haven't said "now". Wait, wait.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12You're going to have to have a conversation with her anyway.
0:08:12 > 0:08:18- Why?- She wants to give us a cheque for £3,000.- £3,000!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Dad, dad! I'm right, aren't I, dad?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23There are four lions around Nelson's Column because Nelson had
0:08:23 > 0:08:27four lions on his ship and that's why he won the war of Trafalgar.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31No, I think Nelson's chances of winning the Battle of Trafalgar
0:08:31 > 0:08:35would have been significantly reduced had there been lions charging around
0:08:35 > 0:08:36the deck of HMS Victory.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41No, because instead of having cannonballs in the canons you could have big circus cannons.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- Circus cannons.- You could put lions in them and then you could fire them on to the other ship.- So if...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49And the lions would eat everybody and rip through the floorboards
0:08:49 > 0:08:54- they'd rip the captain to shreds and end up steering the boat themselves. - The lions would drive the ship?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Then you'd have to buy another four lions from Africa and these were the surviving ones.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02The bronze ones? Don't you think the lions would have been more cross
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- with the people who fired them out of a canon?- No, because they wouldn't be able to reach them.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- Oh, because they'd be on the other ship.- So, did Nelson have four lions or what?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13No. The lions represent England.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18- But lions aren't English animals! - How many times have you seen a big...- A lion!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21..lion sitting in a Yorkshire field?
0:09:21 > 0:09:28Nelson should have four English animals like a frog or a badger or a...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- a cow.- They're not very heroic though, are they?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Or you could have, like, a big lion and then it's eating a half a cow.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Why?- Because, like, the lions are cool, but then it has to be English.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- Yeah, but...- You've got to make it realistic.- Right.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Wait, maybe you can have a chick being eaten by a Tasmanian devil.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- So, a chicken is trying to escape from a Tasmanian devil...- Yeah.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53To signify the glory of the Battle of Trafalgar?
0:09:53 > 0:09:57There could be one Tasmanian devil wearing a little admiral hat just to show it was Nelson.
0:09:57 > 0:10:03So you've got a statue of a Tasmanian devil in an admiral's hat eating a chicken.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Well, that's the problem of the fourth plinth solved.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09OK, better shift, the mime's turning nasty.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You've got to pay me!
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Have you tried talking to Ian about...
0:10:15 > 0:10:20Oh, no. The talking stopped some time around 1993 I'm afraid,
0:10:20 > 0:10:24and once the talking stops everything goes quiet in the bedroom department.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Not that Ian was ever James Bond between the sheets, but...
0:10:28 > 0:10:33You have to talk to Pete about it. You know, sharing can help sometimes.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36No, sharing just makes more people miserable.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39And down there, behind the security gate and the barriers,
0:10:39 > 0:10:44that's where our Prime Minister... cowers in Number 10.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49If number one's a wee and number two's a pooh I would hate to be anywhere near a number 10!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- Or maybe it's five number twos! - Urgh!
0:10:52 > 0:10:57- It brings a whole new meaning to the Prime Minister's in Number 10! - It's just brilliant.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01We're sat laughing about poohs and wees on our way to somewhere where nothing's happening.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06- Look, just change the record. - Dad, no-one has records any more, you stupid idiot.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Don't call me an idiot, Jake.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I hate days out.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15The museums do your feet in and the kids do your head in.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Kneel before me, puny mortals!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Ben, shh! Come down.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22The page you want is always missing.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26We're now in a gallery, she's turning this into a bloody route march!
0:11:26 > 0:11:27So that was modern art.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Yes, darling.- It was rubbish.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35- Well...- There was bits of carpet stuck to the walls.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- There was just some painting. - Well, that's quite interesting.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40A globe in a fridge?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- Something like that means look at what we're doing... - It's a globe in a fridge!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48I know, but it's quite a clear representation of global warming.
0:11:48 > 0:11:54But they've got a light on in that globe which is actually making it worse, isn't it?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Only in the globe because the fridge isn't on.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- It doesn't even look good. - Well, I agree with you, Karen, it's not proper art.
0:11:59 > 0:12:05- Not like the pictures we saw in the National Gallery.- Well, the National Gallery was rubbish, too.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Well, what about the lovely van Goghs?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09It was all wiggly and he should have gone over it.
0:12:09 > 0:12:16And the stars were all wiggly and sprouty, it was like he was crazy or something.
0:12:16 > 0:12:22- And it had nothing to do with World War II.- She wasn't impressed with any of it.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Turner, too blurry.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Monet, too spotty.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Rubens, too many fat girls.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Rembrandt, not enough cats.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34This print is ridiculously small.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37So what are we supposed to spend this 3,000 on?
0:12:37 > 0:12:44- I don't know, originally it was a donation to get Karen and Ben into a good school.- A bribe?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Well, Jennifer's mum made a large donation to the new church hall.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- But she didn't get Jennifer into the church school, did she?- No, she did!
0:12:51 > 0:12:55That's why there was the big fight between her and the real Christian mums at pickup time.
0:12:55 > 0:13:01God, that was embarrassing, Ben and his mates standing in a big circle chanting "bitch fight!".
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- So, it was to help with the kids' education.- I don't know, but you have to ask her.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Ben, off!
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Oh, hello. Is it working again? - No.- Then why are you texting?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- You're hitting keys like you're texting.- I'm sending the text I'd be sending
0:13:17 > 0:13:19if my dad hadn't brought me somewhere I can't charge my phone.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Do you think maybe you've got an addiction to mobile phones?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Do you think maybe you've got an addiction to being a prat?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Hey, cut it out.- Get off my case, then!- You shouldn't say prat, Jake.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34- I am not on your case. - It's a bad word, like tosser.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Yeah, all right, Karen.- Yeah, you are on my case.- Or pellock.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Yeah.- Or twannie. - Look, OK, Karen.- Or pizzock!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42OK, Karen, that is not that helpful. Look, Jake, if you're...
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- Look, it's not my fault you're in a bad mood, OK?- I'm not in a bad mood.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Yes, you are, you're always in a crappy mood when gran's around!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59That's the House of Commons, where the Government makes the law.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- So...- And which was bombed in World War II, Karen.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07How do they decide which laws to make?
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Well, they read the Daily Mail and do what it says.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14How do they decide who's Prime Minister?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16There's an election and everyone votes to decide.
0:14:16 > 0:14:22So, is there, like, lots of people and then they say, "The lines are now open",
0:14:22 > 0:14:26and then they would say, "Oh, I've had a terrible life and my family has died."
0:14:26 > 0:14:32- It doesn't work entirely like that. - Then you vote off all the annoying ones until there's just one left
0:14:32 > 0:14:39and then they go, "Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, I'm so happy I'm Prime Minister now", and start crying?
0:14:39 > 0:14:44I think you're confusing democracy and The X Factor.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49Ben, stay with us! Don't go wandering off with any large groups.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53You don't even know what a Tamil is let alone what they're demonstrating against.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56They gave me a tangerine. They were nicer than the Hare Krishnas.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Well, I don't want to see you disappearing round corners, shouting "death" to someone.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03It's unfair that we don't get to vote.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08You've got to have people over 18 voting because they know about the world in a way you don't.
0:15:08 > 0:15:14Younger people would know who... Who are good and older people think, oh, oh, ah, I'm not quite sure.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Like granddad would think that the ugly people are good singers...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21But you're talking about X Factor again.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Old people's brains are all shrivelled and not so good,
0:15:24 > 0:15:30but the younger people have more big juicy intelligent brains that know lots.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- It's unfair that...- If you're so clever, who would you vote as Prime Minister?
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Simon Cowell.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Young, juicy brains.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Hey, Ben, there's a couple!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Hey, I told you to stop that chav-spotting game.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47- We're not, now we're spotting lesbians.- What? You can't do that!
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- There's nothing wrong with it. Now you're being a lesbianist. - I am not lesbian... Lesbianist.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Well, you shouldn't be prejudiced against fat people, thin people...
0:15:55 > 0:16:02- I'm not!- Men who've turned into women, women who have turned into men, gay people, ginger people...
0:16:02 > 0:16:09- Karen...- People from Liverpool. - I'm not. I'm just saying don't shout ("lesbian!") at them in the street.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Anyway, Steph's mum's a lesbian and she's really nice.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15No! Karen, no,
0:16:15 > 0:16:16she's Lebanese.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- She's from the Lebanon. - Well, still, if she was...
0:16:19 > 0:16:23God, Jake is really taking lumps out of me today.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Don't let it get to you.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28It's part of growing up, challenging his dad.
0:16:28 > 0:16:35It's like Big Cat Diary when the young male takes on the patriarch and kicks him out of the pride.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Not that you're going to get...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I need a wee. Anybody else?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Me. Bagsy I go first.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47You really don't need any money, today's my treat.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- OK, in you go. - Well, that's very kind,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- but I'm all out of cash, so... - Well, that's fine because you don't need any.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Ben, not so close. Ben!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Why?- People at cashpoints don't want others knowing their PIN numbers.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- But I can still see it from back here.- Ben...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- But I'm not a robber, so it's OK.- All right.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- I'm not going to tell anyone that number is 4567.- Ben!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Sorry.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15He has exceptional eyesight.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Peter, all day long is my treat.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- Well, tomorrow follows today. - Well, what's it matter if I know her number?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- Because only the person with the card is allowed to know it. - But I know your number is 3937.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Oh, for God's sake, Ben, this is ridiculous!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Dad, calm down, you're embarrassing us.
0:17:31 > 0:17:38I'm embarrassing you! Do you know, I am sick and tired of being embarrassed in public by you lot.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Karen, I said wait!
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Do you mind?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Let's just go to HMS Belfast, shall we?
0:17:48 > 0:17:54There, I've brought up Google Earth on my mobile and I can use GPS to plot our route.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Or we could just use our eyes and look for a bloody great ship in the middle of the river.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04BEN IMITATES MISSILES BEING FIRED
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Dad, I'm going to blow up that big building over there.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11Well, lots of bankers work there, so no-one will mind. Hang on, are you allowed up there?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Er...
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- No, don't think I am. - Well, get down, then. Come on.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21What does HMS Belfast have to do with World War II?
0:18:21 > 0:18:27Well, it's a large fighting ship of World War II which has been turned into museum about World War II.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29So it's ALL about World War II?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- Well, virtually all, yeah. - Well, which bits aren't?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35There's a tiny bit about what happened to the ship after the end of the war.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- I don't want to see that.- OK, fine.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Because I want to win the prize on best project on World War II.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- Well, what is the prize? - It's a trip on HMS Belfast.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52- But we're on...- Mum, I need a wee!
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Now!
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Ben, come down off that mast!
0:18:57 > 0:19:01This is a disabled toilet. It's illegal to go in a disabled toilet.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03No, it's not illegal.
0:19:03 > 0:19:09The rules say that you can't use the disabled loos unless you're desperate
0:19:09 > 0:19:13because desperation is a temporary form of disability, so in you come.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Oh, OK.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19If you want to find out about what happened in world wars, just ask the people who were there.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Well, we tried that with granddad in the Korean War.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27Karen's class probably won't want to hear about the fight in the brothel in Seoul.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Who did we fight in the Korean War?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Get down! We were fighting the North Koreans and the Chinese,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36though granddad spent most of his time fighting Americans.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- And the bloody Navy. - Yes, and the bloody Navy.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41And that big prossie who spat in his rum.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I knew I shouldn't have left you alone with him.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Don't touch that!
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Where's gran?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Is she avoiding us?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51KNOCK ON DOOR
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Someone's waiting, mummy.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Karen, do not open the door! KNOCK ON DOOR
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Rahh!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- Young man!- Yeah? - Can I show you something?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Do that hard.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04That hurts, doesn't it?
0:20:04 > 0:20:09- No.- Well, it would do if you banged your head.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- No, I tried it with my head earlier. That didn't hurt either.- Right.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Well, just be careful, we don't want anyone getting hurt, do we?
0:20:16 > 0:20:17It's a warship.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19It sank the Scharnhorst.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Well, all I'm saying is that getting hurt isn't cool.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27You don't have kids, do you?
0:20:29 > 0:20:30KNOCK ON DOOR
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Yeah, all right! Can't you see it's engaged?
0:20:33 > 0:20:34KNOCK ON DOOR
0:20:34 > 0:20:36All right!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Mummy, why are you limping?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Shift, Karen. - But why are you limping?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Die, Nazi scum, die!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Send those Germans to hell!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01OK, Ben, come on, out you come.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Come on, now.- I've to sink that Kraut submarine.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07THEY SPEAK GERMAN
0:21:19 > 0:21:21All ahead full, Number One.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24All ahead full. All ahead full.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Torpedo on the starboard bow, sir.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Torpedo on the starboard bow. Hard to port, hard to port!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31My God, we've been hit!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39What's the damage, Smugger?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I'm afraid, she's going down.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Mayday, Mayday!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Abandon ship, abandon ship!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50HE IMITATES A KLAXON
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- Ben! Ben, mum said you have to come downstairs.- But it was him!
0:22:10 > 0:22:16- Ben, Barack Obama does not drive a number 42 bus!- He's the leader of the free world, he can do what he wants.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21How am I supposed to win the prize for best project on World War II if you won't take me to Dunkirk?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Oh, for... Dunkirk is in Belgium.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29- Look, sweetheart, winning isn't everything. No-one can win all the time.- Well, I can.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I can smell success in my sweat.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37Karen, I've told you, The Apprentice is not a suitable show for a seven year old!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41- God, what's Ben up to.- I love that do-or-die spirit in her, don't you?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- I'm not sure doing or dying is entirely necessary in a seven year old.- Yes, but...
0:22:45 > 0:22:50- Are you and gran going to argue? - Of course not, darling. When have we ever done that?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Well, when gran said you should get a job at the private sector.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- Look, can you just...- What is the private sector?- Karen, can you...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Ben, mum says come downstairs.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03HE IMITATES MISSILES BEING FIRED
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Ahh!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Thank you for the offer, it is very kind, but we just don't need your money.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12They're doing fine at school, we just want them to be happy.
0:23:12 > 0:23:18I want them to be happy, of course I do, but are...average people happy?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Is this is about me? - Everything isn't about you, Peter.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- I very nearly made head of history last year.- And that's terrific.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- Who did?- Look, Mum, we just don't... - You said you wouldn't argue.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- No-one is having an argument. - We're having an argument.
0:23:32 > 0:23:39- No, we're not.- Well, if I think we're having an argument and you think we're not, that's arguing.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41You see...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43very bright.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48But I'm telling you, it was really him.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Ben, Andrew Lloyd Webber would not be going through a litter bin.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56How do you know? Maybe he wrote a song and then chucked it away by accident.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57If only!
0:23:57 > 0:24:02- Ben, don't wander off.- You may be faster than me over a short distance, but you can't keep it up.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- Yes, I can do it, I can sprint for way longer than you. - No you can't.- Yes, dad!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Pete, Big Cat Diary.
0:24:08 > 0:24:14- Right, Karen! Come on, everyone, let's get going before rush hour, Ben and commuters don't mix.- Go!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Oh, for God's...
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Sue, trouble brewing.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Oh, well, if he wants to give him his money then that's up to him.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I think he's trying to buy his dog.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Oh, n... No, Ben!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Oi! Idiot!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Oh, God!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Daddy just knocked over that woman.
0:24:36 > 0:24:42All I'm saying, and I've said it again and again, is don't run off like that.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- You shouldn't have been rude about my project...- Yes, well...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49You said "I hope she comes last with her bloody project."
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Well...- That's what you said.- Yes.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54OK. Here's one for you.
0:24:54 > 0:25:00You're drifting in a lifeboat with granddad, Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay and David Tennant.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Right.- Which one would you eat first?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Eat first?
0:25:05 > 0:25:11Because you're stranded and you can't get out. You're in a big sea which has electrified water.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- But you shouted.- No, look, I'm sorry I shouted, but you shouldn't have run away like that.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19You gave us a terrible fright. We couldn't find you.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Well, that's because I was hiding.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Yes. But it's not kind to...
0:25:24 > 0:25:30But I'm only seven and I'm still learning, but you should have learnt to keep your temper by now
0:25:30 > 0:25:33because you're... whatever age you are.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Then who are you going to eat? - No options?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- No, apart from death.- Gordon Ramsay.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42And how would you kill him? Would you, like, electrify him?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- What, in the sea?- Yeah, you could go, bzzzzz!
0:25:45 > 0:25:52- Look, the important thing is you must never run away. - And you must never shout at me.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56OK, look, well how about this?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00I will do my best not to shout at you.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02And I'll do my best not to run away.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Yeah, that's...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07No, hang on. Karen!
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- Which bit of Gordon Ramsay would you eat first? - The fattest bit?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15I'd eat his nose because it's really big and it would last you for about a week...
0:26:15 > 0:26:16We're dining off Gordon Ramsay's nose.
0:26:16 > 0:26:22So, you're stranded in a lifeboat, you can get out, you've decided to kill Gordon Ramsay,
0:26:22 > 0:26:27chop off his nose, grill it in electrified water then eat it.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Yeah.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Well, one time it had this battle in a storm, yeah, and it sank this German ship
0:26:32 > 0:26:39and this German ship, like, had a crew of 1,000 men or something, but still all but 30 of them died.
0:26:41 > 0:26:47Yeah, but it was crap. A really crap historical day out.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50What?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- What?- Pete...- Sorry about that.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57I know we said no to your mum's money, but I've been thinking.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Maybe we should get them a bit of tuition.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Maybe we should be pushing them a bit more.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Karen doesn't need pushing, she needs restraining.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Maybe with leg irons.
0:27:08 > 0:27:14I mean obviously we don't want to be pushy parents, but we don't want to be unpushy parents.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Maybe we could be parents who just push their children uphill.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20All of life's uphill, isn't it?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- How's your hamstring?- It's fine.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27- Do you know, something happened to it right at the end there just when Jake...- Streaked past you.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32Pete, you are going to have a talk to your mum about the whole dead marriage thing, aren't you?
0:27:32 > 0:27:36What would it achieve? I mean, I can't mend marriages, I'm not Tricia.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40You don't have to achieve anything, you just have to be sympathetic and...
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Ben's on the loo, but he's run out of paper.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45All right, I'll get him some. You two can just sit down and have a nice chat.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49- I know where it is. - No, I'd rather go.- I'm very happy to do it.- Sandra, I'll go.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51You two just sit down and have a nice natter.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01So...
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- How's dad?- Fine.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- How are you and dad?- Fine, fine.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Mum...
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Cup of tea?
0:28:16 > 0:28:22Peter, I'd really like you to take this money and spend it on anything, a holiday or something.
0:28:22 > 0:28:29- I know you're a bit short.- It's not like you've got loads of money. - Take it, please, as a favour to me.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31- It's important. - Mum, is something up?
0:28:31 > 0:28:37- Everything's fine. And it'll be even better if you take the money. - Something is up, isn't it?
0:28:37 > 0:28:41- He says the pink paper's too girly, so he'll have to have kitchen paper. - I'll take it.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:47 > 0:28:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk