0:00:02 > 0:00:04I was sorting out the computer after it crashed
0:00:04 > 0:00:11and I noticed that someone had downloaded an inappropriate image.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Was it you?
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Well, it could be... was it the farting nun?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19No, Ben it was not the farting nun.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- Was it the tree man?- Ben.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Or that creepy dude who can lift things up with his mind? That's cool.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- Ben... - Or was it that evil clown song...
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- Ben!- Oh, I know! Is it the Pekinese dog and the lawnmower? That made me want to throw up.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- Ben, I think you know what I'm talking about.- I don't.
0:00:34 > 0:00:39- It's a rude part of a lady with no clothes on.- Which rude part?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42The...top rude part.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44What, both top rude parts or just one?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Ben! Did you download it or not?
0:00:46 > 0:00:52Next on Britain's Got Talent is...Hippo!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Right, now, Hippo, what are you going to do for us today?
0:00:57 > 0:01:04I'm going to eat all the chocolate I can eat in memory of my mother.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08OK, then...er...off you go.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Bleugh!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Bleugh!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Bleugh! Bleugh!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30All right, over to Simon Cowell.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35That wasn't very impressive because, after a while, you were sick everywhere
0:01:35 > 0:01:39and the Queen would not like to see that at all.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42And now over to Piers.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46This act symbolizes everything that's great about Britain.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48And Amanda.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I hated it.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Now over to Ant and Dec.
0:01:56 > 0:02:02Well, sorry to hear about that, but our next contestant is Elephant.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Whoooo, Elephant!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Maybe a robber broke in and downloaded it.- That's ridiculous.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12- Or Dad could have done it. - Why would your Dad have a large picture of a woman's...chest?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Well, Craig's dad does. He has lots of pictures of women.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18You have to pay Craig 50p to see one.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Right.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Well. I'm going to talk to you more about that in a moment.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28But right now, downloading something like that is inappropriate and...
0:02:28 > 0:02:32What does inappropriate mean? Only I hear it a lot and does it mean naughty?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34It means, eh...behaviour that...
0:02:34 > 0:02:37it's not appropriate.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Not suitable.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Behaviour that's out of place.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Out of what place? - Yes, it means naughty.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52So...good day, Mum?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Mm-hm...
0:02:55 > 0:02:56and yourself?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03No, not... Not too bad, thanks.
0:03:03 > 0:03:10Hello, and what's your name? I'm Elephant and I am performing in memory of my mother
0:03:10 > 0:03:14who was savaged to death by ostriches.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17OK, and what are you going to do for us today?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I'm going to set my head on fire.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Off you go, then.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Set my head on fire...
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Pckkkk! Ow-w-w-w! Pckkkk!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Now over to Piers.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34It symbolizes everything that's great about this country.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Now over to Ant and Dec.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Oh, dear, I'm sitting on Ant.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Why's this jam jar full of...
0:03:46 > 0:03:47wasps?
0:03:47 > 0:03:55One of Ben's projects. Listen, Pete, have you asked your mum about why she's so keen to give us that 3,000?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57D'you know I just, I just haven't had the chance...
0:03:57 > 0:04:00we really haven't had a moment to talk.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Cos it's odd. Cos she's normally so careful with her money. Now it's...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Hey, Dad, want a game of chess?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Um... yeah...OK. - I'm really, really good.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- OK, grandmaster. - I forgot.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14You know this chess club he's been going to?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- They've asked him to play in an inter-schools tournament tomorrow... - Really?
0:04:18 > 0:04:23It's probably one of those inclusion things. You know, everyone gets a game even if they're rubbish.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Give him a chance. In some ways he's quite a sophisticated thinker.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Ahhhhrrrrgggghhhhh! - THUMP
0:04:30 > 0:04:31So this computer thing...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33you think it was him?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37I mean he does have form when it comes to downloading...
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- and uploading.- Yeah. Did YouTube ever get back to you about that?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Yeah, according to their cyber-citizenship guidelines,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47because I'm only in it from the neck down, they're not obliged to remove it,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50although they are giving it a parental guidance warning.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55D'you know, I don't think this was Ben...and Jake swears it wasn't him, either.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00OK, Ben. We're a bishop short, so you've got Darth Vader.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03What do they mean when a woman is size zero?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Because zero is nothing so then they'd be invisible.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09It just means she's very skinny...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12but a woman can be any size or shape she wants.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14What about a hexagon?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Well. No...I meant it could be...
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Or a triangle, because triangles are...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24No, I meant it doesn't matter if a woman is thin or fat.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25What if you were like this.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- Would that be OK?- Well, that... - There's a man in Mexico and...
0:05:31 > 0:05:35er... he has to get a crane to get him out of bed, he's so fat. Is that all right?
0:05:35 > 0:05:40- Oh... Well, no... - What is too fat? Is it...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Would you like to watch some television?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44No.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Y'know I've been thinking about those, er...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51that image on the computer.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- It could be Mum who put it on there. - Me! I found it.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56She who smelt it, dealt it.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Ben, you need to concentrate.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Rahhhhhh!
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Dead!
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Y'see this morning, I walked in on my mum using the computer,
0:06:04 > 0:06:09and as soon as she saw me she closed it down really fast.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13So you're saying that your 68-year-old mother
0:06:13 > 0:06:17has turned gay and is downloading soft porn onto the computer?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21No, no, of course not.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24PHONE RINGS
0:06:24 > 0:06:25All right.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Come on, Ben, it's your move.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- Ben!- It's Jane.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- No, not annoying Jane, your sister Jane.- Oh, right. OK.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- Hi, Jane.- Mum, er, Gavin rang.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Gavin?- Duh! Gavin. You know the estate agent?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44He said some people are coming to look at the house.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Oh, right, when? - Er...seven o'clock tonight.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49What?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Why didn't you tell me?
0:06:50 > 0:06:55- I did tell you, just now.- Er... - But that's one hour from now. - Hang on, hang on a sec.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- I'll help you tidy up.- Oh, great... thank you.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I'll tell Gavin they can't come.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- I don't care if they come or not because I'm not moving.- Really?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12It's Sue Brockman. We can't do a viewing tonight.
0:07:12 > 0:07:18And in future if you talk to a teenager, please assume we haven't got the message.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I don't mind everybody else moving, but I'm staying here.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24OK, I'll tell the estate agent to put that in the details,
0:07:24 > 0:07:29"Delightful semi with south-facing garden and built-in seven-year-old."
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Well, I'm staying here,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34and that is all I have to say on the matter.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Sue. can I just have a word...
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- about something?- Go on then.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Oh, a word.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53It's all right, I'm going upstairs.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Good work.
0:07:54 > 0:08:01Anyway, the reason Jane rang is because Mum has offered her a couple of thousand as well.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- Oh, blimey.- And she's sent a cheque for £800 to Lucille.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Well, why don't you just ask your Mum what's going on?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I mean, she's going home tomorrow, so....
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Well, she wouldn't tell Jane. And she quite likes Jane.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18You know, something's up, what do you reckon?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Ben's eaten all the toothpaste again!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Well, get some out of the cupboard.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Your move.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Ah, I see what you're up to.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Neeeowwwwww!- Ben, can you just...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Ah! Pshhhhh!- Ben, please.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Ben. Ben! Please. No strafing in the kitchen.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42We don't want another friendly fire incident with the wine rack!
0:08:44 > 0:08:52Listen, Pete, maybe we should accept that money from your mum. I mean, she obviously wants us to have it.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Oh, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right.
0:08:53 > 0:08:59- But you were comfortable enough accepting those gifts from my Dad. - Yeah.
0:08:59 > 0:09:06A Betamax video recorder, a cider press and a Chinese soldier's jawbone from the Korean War.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Well, OK, but, is that still under you pillow?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11No, I sold it to Ibrahim.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16- Mum!- What?- Is Anusol toothpaste?
0:09:16 > 0:09:20No! No. Wait there. Don't touch anything, I'm coming.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Right, let's see.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Checkmate.- Don't be silly, Ben, it can't be checkmate, we've only just...
0:09:36 > 0:09:41- Karen, come back and finish... - Stop nagging me, Daddy, I've told you. I've finished my breakfast.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46I know it was you who downloaded that woman's...image.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Have you been looking at my emails?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I...
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- saw them, yes. - Now THAT is out of order.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53PETE BURPS
0:09:53 > 0:09:55You're a bit burpy.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58You should see a burpologist. Is that what the doctor said?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00No, he didn't, and don't cherry pick the muesli.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03There aren't any cherries in the muesli.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05You know what I mean.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10You pick out all the good bits. The last third of the packet is like eating dust.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13It's natural sifting - it happens in the tundra.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16The largest rocks reach the surface.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Oh, not the tundra excuse again.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Why did you download that image onto the family computer?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Cos Ben melted my laptop.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- And also the resolution on my phone is crap... - Jake. Why did you lie to me?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Cos I knew you'd just go and throw yourself into some over-reaction like this.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I am not over-reacting, come back!
0:10:35 > 0:10:40- It was him?- Yeah, I had trouble sleeping last night so I had another go at sorting out the computer
0:10:40 > 0:10:46and, unsurprisingly, it was Warren who sent him the email.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Oh, and Jake's been on one of those internet poker sites.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- I didn't have a chance to broach that one with him.- Oh, God.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- And I don't want to worry you... - Now I AM worried. Go on.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59You know you said your Mum turned the computer off suddenly?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Well, someone's been looking up symptoms of intestinal cancer.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09- Right.- So, what with that and her trying to give all her money away...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Dad, do you want another game of chess?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- Er...there's not really time, Ben. - Who won last night?
0:11:15 > 0:11:20- Oh. Ben won. - I kicked his sorry butt.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24You went easy on him? You shouldn't do that... it's not good for children.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26You certainly never went easy on me.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I particularly remember my crushing defeat at Scrabble...
0:11:29 > 0:11:33because I was still upset at the start of my birthday party.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35My fifth birthday party.
0:11:35 > 0:11:41But if you let children win, you cheat them of that moment when they really beat you for the first time.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45And if we keep playing Scrabble, Peter, that moment might still come.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Well, it already would have if you hadn't spelt quasi with a Z.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- It's an alternative spelling. - In Norway, maybe.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- Pete.- Anyway I don't think you should let Ben win.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00All right then, Mum, why don't... why don't you play him and beat him?
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Maybe you're right. It's important that kids learn how to lose, isn't it?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- We don't have time, we have to leave for school...- You can start now
0:12:07 > 0:12:12- and finish this evening, I'll set up the board up. - OK, just let me get dressed.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I've been meaning to ask...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17what is that thing?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Oh, that's the elephant in the room, we never talk about that.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Why not?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27No...it's the eleph...
0:12:27 > 0:12:29It's an express... Oh, never mind.
0:12:29 > 0:12:35He still hasn't written back to me. Why hasn't he written back to me?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Well, he's probably busy.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- Doing what?- Well...you know...
0:12:40 > 0:12:42being President of the United States.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Tony Blair wrote back to me about the badgers.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Yeah, but that probably wasn't him, that was one of his secretaries.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- Karen, you've got your top on back to front. - But you said that it was him!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56You were four at the time, so we probably let you think that.
0:12:56 > 0:13:03You lied! What would Tony Blair have said if he knew that you lied to a four-year-old?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- Well done?- They do that a lot.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08They accuse us of lying but it's them that lie most.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13There is a difference between letting a small child down gently and downloading porn.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18It's not porn cos A - I didn't have to pay for it and B - it was taken in a public place.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Well, hang on that's... What public place?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Warren's garden.- Who's it of?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Miss Murchison... she lives opposite him.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- It's one of your teachers?! - Miss Murchison.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Well, how do you think she'd feel if she knew there were naked pictures of her going around the school?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- It's OK, we didn't include her face. - The tall one with the red hair.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41That doesn't make it better, Jake, and what's more...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Pete, don't go near that computer...
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- What's more we need to have a serious conversation.- Mum.
0:13:46 > 0:13:53- In the living room, now. - Dad, look at this... - Later, Karen...- Ben...
0:13:53 > 0:14:00Come here, look. Reader's Digest says that we have definitely won £500,000 pounds.
0:14:00 > 0:14:06And that it's in a bank account ready to be transferred into your bank account when we're ready.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- £500,000! Wow, that's so much money! We could buy loads of stuff! - We could buy everything!
0:14:11 > 0:14:16We can buy... We can buy... We can buy a massive mansion made out of gold and...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I would buy a robotic dragon
0:14:19 > 0:14:21with a flame thrower on its tongue.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I could buy a TV which you could walk inside, it's like the size of the door.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27What about those magazines you buy?
0:14:27 > 0:14:32Those celebrities probably don't want their pictures taken, yet you still go out and buy the magazines.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Well. I don't buy them.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40I occasionally pick them up off trains and bring them home...
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- to recycle.- Can I just go, please?
0:14:43 > 0:14:48No, this is serious, very serious. In fact, what you've done is actually a criminal offence.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50What criminal offence is it?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It's...
0:14:52 > 0:14:53It...
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Well it's... receiving stolen...
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- Breasts? - You could get in big trouble here.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Oh, yeah, a time machine!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Buy a time machine.- And you could see us when we're older.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Or I'd buy the Amazon rainforest.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Or I'd buy school and then close it down.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13What would poor Miss Murchison do if she knew about all this?
0:15:13 > 0:15:18- Buy curtains? - Jake, this is very serious!
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- And we haven't even got on to the poker yet.- What poker?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24The poker you've been playing on the computer.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- I never did that. - You said you never did this!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- I should probably get going to school, to be honest.- Jake!
0:15:29 > 0:15:36Or to save the polar bears. You'd have enough money to drop massive ice cubes and bits of ice onto...
0:15:36 > 0:15:40onto the...onto where they are so they can be saved!
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Or we could just buy 500,000 Magnums.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49OK, Ben. Now I warn you I'm going to play my absolute best.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Which do you want to be, black or white?- Black.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Because it's the colour of death.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Right.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I mean, they're just teenage boys.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02They're like baboons on heat in school uniform.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06But unless someone does something they'll turn into baboons on heat in suits and ties.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10What if the girls in your school were circulating pictures of you in the...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Actually, let's not even think about that.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15They do have ringtones of Jeff Castle,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18the relief art teacher, in bed...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20with someone.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22How in God's name did they...?
0:16:22 > 0:16:27Oh, it was 11J, best not to ask if you want a car that still works at four o'clock.
0:16:28 > 0:16:35- Check.- What?- Y'see, there are some things you can't do while playing your Game Boy.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Yeah, that's what the man on my cycling proficiency test said.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Come on, let's get everyone moving. - Pete...
0:16:43 > 0:16:48you don't seem that worried about your mum and all that medical stuff on the computer.
0:16:48 > 0:16:54- No, no, I am. - Cos don't you think it's a bit odd... Oh, God, it's you, isn't it?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55I was just...
0:16:55 > 0:17:00checking out all the various possibilities on my stomach symptoms.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03But you know you only frighten yourself when you do that.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07It's like that time we got back from Morocco and you convinced yourself you had rabies.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11It's just that when Dr Benjamin said he was sending me for those tests, I thought...
0:17:11 > 0:17:15- he looked a bit worried. - But he always looks worried, he's got that lazy eye.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Come on, everyone, we need to go in two minutes.
0:17:19 > 0:17:25Look, don't worry about it, you cycled 40 miles last weekend - you're obviously really fit.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Has he got another pain?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Men and their ailments, eh?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Checkmate.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Don't be silly, Ben, that's not...
0:17:35 > 0:17:39No, I think that IS checkmate.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Now, I thought you...
0:17:40 > 0:17:45I... I didn't want to discourage him on the day of his tournament.
0:17:46 > 0:17:52But aren't you, er...cheating him out of that moment when he beats you for real for the first time?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53You planned that, didn't you?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Oh, yeah.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00We almost certainly haven't won a prize and it's nearly tea time, so...
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- What do you mean we haven't won a prize?- Look. It's not...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06It says, "You have won £500,000." Can't you read, Mummy?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08They make it look like that so you buy their magazines.
0:18:08 > 0:18:14Well, if it means £500,000, let's buy their magazines. They don't cost that much.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Listen, Karen, we are not getting any money.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20But I've already spent it.
0:18:20 > 0:18:26- What? - I promised Maisie Warburton £10,000 for this glow-in-the-dark pen.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Well, you'll have to give it back.
0:18:28 > 0:18:34No. It was no returns. You'll have to give her the £10,000, cos you don't want to end up in court.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Karen.- Because I think you'd probably lose, Mummy.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Hang on, why's Janice emailing me about nothing?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48I didn't even know she had my...
0:18:48 > 0:18:52God, I could quite happily destroy this computer, all the trouble it causes.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Don't worry about Jake and those pictures.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57To be honest, Sandra, I'm more worried about his late-night poker.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- That wasn't Jake. - Well, I'd have said the same about Miss Murchinson's.- No, Sue...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03It wasn't Jake.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16- So does Ben get his chess genes from you?- Well, I...
0:19:19 > 0:19:21(I, er... I play a little bit.)
0:19:21 > 0:19:26(Grayson, the boy he's playing, he's never lost a local tournament before.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29(Ben's giving him quite a game.)
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Neeeeeeeeeeeeyooooowww! Pow!
0:19:39 > 0:19:44- So how long have you been addicted to these sites?- I'm not sure I'd use the word addicted.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Well, if you've lost more than £4,000...
0:19:46 > 0:19:49This sounds pathetic, but I've been feeling so lonely...
0:19:49 > 0:19:56and all the guys I've been playing with - Mongo, Middlesex Fats, the Colchester Kid, Boner,
0:19:56 > 0:20:01Aceface, Dogend... it felt like a community.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03It's a community that took you for four grand.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07And that's why I've been trying so hard to give my money away to all of you, y'know,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10so that I don't just fritter it away on...
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Look, Sandra, I really think you should...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15open up to Pete about this.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Oh, you mustn't tell Peter. - Well, I can't keep it from him.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Oh. All right...
0:20:23 > 0:20:29but families worked much better before this talking fad started.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Pckkkkk!
0:20:36 > 0:20:40One more battle noise like that and I shall have to disqualify him.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Ben... easy on the battle noises, OK?
0:20:43 > 0:20:48This is chess, not soccer.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Clip, clop, clip, clop, neighhhhhh!
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- Right.- Ben! - It wasn't a battle noise!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01It was a horsey noise.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06It wasn't a battle noise... it was a horsey noise.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11One final chance.
0:21:11 > 0:21:17Dear Barack Obama,
0:21:17 > 0:21:21I am
0:21:21 > 0:21:29beginning to lose
0:21:29 > 0:21:35my patience.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37What are you writing to him about now?
0:21:37 > 0:21:42About how they said that we had won a prize but we actually hadn't
0:21:42 > 0:21:47and that everyone from Readers Digest should go to jail
0:21:47 > 0:21:50and have to wee in a bucket and only have a budgie to talk to.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I'm not sure you can go to jail for...misleading offers.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Some people say that jail is quite nice, is that true?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I think that's just the Daily Mail says that.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02It's not nice to have your freedom taken away, is it?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05They don't even have to go in prisons. If they're really bad
0:22:05 > 0:22:08they should just be put in holes in the ground with...
0:22:08 > 0:22:11you know the things that go over a gutter, the big plates,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14with that over. And so that they stay in the dark...
0:22:14 > 0:22:19and they have to eat soup and they don't even put the soup in a bowl,
0:22:19 > 0:22:25- they just pour it down into the hole and they have to eat it with their hands off of the mud.- What...
0:22:25 > 0:22:30They should make it really horrible and anyone who does a bad thing, er,
0:22:30 > 0:22:34that could hurt someone and they were over ten...
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- should go to jail.- Ten?!
0:22:36 > 0:22:40BEN IMITATES TICKING CLOCK
0:22:40 > 0:22:43No mind games, please.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46It's not mind games, he's bored.
0:22:46 > 0:22:53Cos ole' speccy swotty chops is taking so long.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55That's her son.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56That's her son?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59She's the referee and that's her son?
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Actually, I'm an adjudicator.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- Have you a problem with that? - Yes, I have. I can just see that in the Premiership.
0:23:04 > 0:23:10Wayne Rooney has been awarded a penalty by his mum because Frank Lampard has been mean to him.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Can I remind you that we play in silence?
0:23:12 > 0:23:17Oh, you've got all these rules but you haven't got a rule which says the referee can't be someone's mum!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21You swan in here, your first tournament, and you think that...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Excuse me, we're trying to concentrate here.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- DEEP VOICE:- Die, Bishop, die!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Right! You were warned. You are now...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Eat dirt, Queenie... Kapow!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Neeeeeeeooowwwwww...
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Grayson. Grayson, stop that at once.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Grayson, stop that. Grayson, please.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- Charge!- Silence, boys! Boys...
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Right. So you're going to put the prisoners in fridges and ovens now, are you?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Well, you don't turn the oven ON.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57You turn it on a tiny bit and after they're in there for about half an hour,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59then you take them out and you put them in the fridge,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02and once they're in there for a half an hour
0:24:02 > 0:24:05you keep swapping so that they never get too hot or too cold.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yeah. I think that one's been done.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11I think Stalin had that idea.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12What d'you mean?
0:24:12 > 0:24:19- By the way, Karen, you didn't tell anyone at school about us winning a prize, did you?- We told everyone.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21And what exactly did you tell them?
0:24:21 > 0:24:27That we won £500,000 and that we were now the richest people in school
0:24:27 > 0:24:33and Ben said that he would buy the school three whiteboards and a leopard.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Right, well, that explains a lot...
0:24:35 > 0:24:40particularly the odd look Celia gave me at pick-up when I asked to borrow 20p for the meter.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Oh, well, I'm sorry, Kitty.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49It must be so difficult to make ends meet.
0:24:49 > 0:24:56While we're on the subject, you didn't hear of us winning half a million pounds, did you?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Cos... cos we didn't.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Oh, God, no, no, I know that's not why you rang!
0:25:02 > 0:25:06No. No... Don't be silly...
0:25:06 > 0:25:09No, no, no.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11No, no, bye.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Can I go on the computer? - He's made a chess buddy.- Oh, great.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17You're through to Sue's phone.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21We have not, repeat not, won half a million pounds.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Please leave a message if you still want to.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- So what's...?- OK...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I've told my mates they have to delete Miss Murchison's breasts
0:25:30 > 0:25:34and stop sending them out, but you know I can't do anything about the other schools.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- School-s. - It is a world wide web, Mum.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Yeah, but this won't have gone worldwide, will it?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44OK, I'm not going to follow that one up.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49God, I hate the internet! It's full of porn and kids have access
0:25:49 > 0:25:53to all sorts of scary stuff that no-one understands.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Yeah, well, I felt like that at 13 without the internet.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Yeah but you didn't go to Richie's sleepover and watch
0:25:59 > 0:26:02the Taliban video of some poor tribesman getting his head sawn off.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Well, we were lucky he didn't understand what he was watching.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10He thought it was a David Copperfield thing and they were going to put the head back on afterwards.
0:26:10 > 0:26:17- Well, that's me packed up and ready to go.- Oh! Right.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Ben, I've got something to show you. - What?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23It's in the garden. Front garden.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- What?- Come on.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30I'm trying to do something, can't you see that?
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Oh. Handbag.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43So I suppose Sue's told you about the gambling?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Pretty much.
0:26:46 > 0:26:52- I suppose we need to sort this whole thing out.- I have - internet disconnected, credit cards frozen.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56I've asked to be banned from the sites and if you and your sister accept the money I'm offering
0:26:56 > 0:26:59then there's no chance I'll relapse, so it's all sorted, OK?
0:26:59 > 0:27:06OK. It's... It's just that sometimes, Mum, these addictions,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09it can be hard to stop because it goes a lot deeper.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16Is there something deeper you'd like to talk about?
0:27:16 > 0:27:17- No.- Fair enough.
0:27:17 > 0:27:24Peter, I think Sue would really like us to spend some time opening up to each other.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Right.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46- What's this supposed to do? - It's cyber-vigil software, it blocks your children
0:27:46 > 0:27:51- from inappropriate websites. - Yeah, but I can clone that off Oscar's mum's computer.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Yeah, well, I decided to buy it rather than steal it.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56That is so weird.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00- So quick cup of tea anyone? I'm making.- Everything all right, you two?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Had a good... good natter?
0:28:02 > 0:28:06- Oh, yes.- Yes, it was lovely... it was...really cleared the air.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08- Yeah, very good...- Lovely.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Should have done it a long time ago.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Ages ago.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Well, good.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16There's an e-mail here,
0:28:16 > 0:28:20says that Ben's school has been banned from the chess league.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Does it say why?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Inappropriate behaviour.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Oh, something must have happened after we left.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Come on, do we really have to bother with this cyber-visual thing?
0:28:32 > 0:28:34- Yes, we do. Absolutely.- 100%. - Why?
0:28:34 > 0:28:40Because as responsible parents we need something to defend this family
0:28:40 > 0:28:45from the dark and dangerous tentacles of the internet.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49- That's right.- Except we need you to install it, cos we can't make head or tail of it.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:58 > 0:29:01E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk