0:00:02 > 0:00:05- You idiot!- I know you are but what am I?- So annoying!- You two, pack it in!
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- He started it!- No, I did not!
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Yes, he did. He Facebook-raped me.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Facebook-raped?
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Yes. He changed my status to "Jake is a transvestite."
0:00:14 > 0:00:16He doesn't even know what a transvestite is!
0:00:16 > 0:00:17Yes, I do.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19They're a bit strange and they're men who want to be women
0:00:19 > 0:00:21but they can't afford sex changes,
0:00:21 > 0:00:24so they buy women's parts and they glue them on.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26What?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Anyway, he changed my Facebook status
0:00:28 > 0:00:32to "Ben died last Tuesday", and I didn't.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- Why are you so childish? - Look, I don't care who started it.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37How can you not care? You're a history teacher.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- Yes, but... - History is about who started it.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Well, that's...
0:00:42 > 0:00:46I don't want to be a vet any more. I want to be an astronaut.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Girls can't be astronauts.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- What?!- I think they can, Ben.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52They can't, cos they can't throw.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Why would an astronaut need to know how to throw?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Well, what if there's a giant alien jellyfish attack
0:00:57 > 0:01:00and the only weapon you had were spanners to throw?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Anyway, girls can throw.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Interestingly, there is evidence
0:01:05 > 0:01:07that the way the female shoulder is put together
0:01:07 > 0:01:10does make it difficult for girls to throw a ball hard.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- Ow!- That was a hard throw.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Karen! Ow!- And so was that!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Karen, I've told you before - no throwing fruit at Dad.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Jake, could you check whether the milkman's been, please?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Why me?
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Because you drink most of it.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27God, I'm dreadfully sorry to inconvenience you.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I'll just leave home, shall I?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30OK, but get the milk on your way out.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Here's one.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34There are loads of aliens coming towards you
0:01:34 > 0:01:36and the only weapon you have is a javelin.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Why would an astronaut have a javelin?
0:01:39 > 0:01:40For the Space Olympics.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49(GIGGLES)
0:01:49 > 0:01:52What if one gives birth to a baby and then the baby's bouncing around,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54hitting buttons like the force-field
0:01:54 > 0:01:58and then, when the captain goes over to turn on the backup force-field,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00he trips over the cord holding the mummy and baby together?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Where's he got to with that milk?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04And that's why you can't have women in space.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Hiya.- Hi.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10SUE: Any time this month would be great.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Oh, right.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Milk! - Oh, sorry.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21What if the ship was being attacked by all these big meteorites?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25All the women would be doing is sitting in the toilet, crying, going...
0:02:25 > 0:02:26(WHINES) ..and being all sissy.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28That's a bit of an unfair stereotype.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- No, it's not. - Do you know what a stereotype is?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33No.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Well, a stereotype is when someone has the wrong idea about people.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39For instance, someone may feel
0:02:39 > 0:02:44that women are ALL sissy, sissy, girlie-girls
0:02:44 > 0:02:47who do unimportant things, whereas in fact
0:02:47 > 0:02:50there are a lot of strong and very successful women out there
0:02:50 > 0:02:53who completely prove that stereotype wrong.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Do you see?
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Have you got any bacon?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Like, for instance,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00why did you direct that question to me and not your father?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Because you're nearest the fridge.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Oh.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Right, well... DOORBELL RINGS
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Never fear, I'm not asking for money! (LAUGHS)
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I just wanted to give you a leaflet.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- Oh, it's about the speed bumps. - It is indeed.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22There's more information at our website -
0:03:22 > 0:03:25www.thismadnessmustend.com.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28What's that?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Oh, it's just a letter from the hospital.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Instructions about my colonoscopy.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Is that when they chop off the top of your brain
0:03:35 > 0:03:37to make you behave better?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- That's a lobotomy.- Oh.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Miss Lyons said Ben could do with one of those.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45They've banned them...sadly.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47So, what are you having?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Look, I'm...I'm just having a very simple thing
0:03:51 > 0:03:53where they film your insides.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Film your insides?- Mm-hmm.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02But your insides are on your insides, so how can they film them?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- With a camera.- In your insides?
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Yes.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Are...are you sure you've got this right?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13It's just we haven't quite decided what we're...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15All right. Then let me ask you a question.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Are you in favour
0:04:17 > 0:04:21of councils riding roughshod over the wishes of local residents?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23No. No, obviously not. It's just we haven't...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Let me ask another question.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Are you in favour of people dying
0:04:27 > 0:04:29because ambulances are being impeded in their progress?
0:04:30 > 0:04:35No. No, I'm not in favour of people dying. I'm against that. It's just...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Why don't I show you some statistics?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Let me just...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Yes, but how does this camera get inside your insides?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Well...
0:04:46 > 0:04:51it's a special tiny camera, specially designed for the purpose.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Yes, but how does it get inside your insides?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Well, they...they...they put it...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03..up your bottom.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Up your bottom?! - It's not funny, Ben.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- It is! - Who's going to work the camera?
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Is there going to be, like, some tiny, tiny, midget doctor
0:05:11 > 0:05:12that has to go up your bottom too?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- No, Karen.- There's no midget.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Will we be able to watch it live on telly?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18No, you won't be able to watch it live on TV.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Is that cos it's on Sky and we don't have Sky?
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- That is... Oh! - No, there's no colonoscopy channel.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Yet.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30What if you do one of your massive, gigantic, dad farts...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Oh, God!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35..while it's in you, and then, like, it sends the midget flying back?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36- There are no midgets. - (GIGGLES)
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Just stop it now, you two.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39What if something goes wrong and...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- What if it gets stuck? - And you can't get it out?
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- They have to stick their hand up your bottom to pull it out!- Stop it!
0:05:46 > 0:05:51Furthermore, the elevation of the speed bumps is 12cm,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53which is patently absurd.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Well, this street has actually become a bit of a rat run and...
0:05:55 > 0:05:59That's because of the new lights at the top of Palmerston Grove.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I did warn them. Anyway, let me show you some more...
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Actually, now's not a great time. We've got a...
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Understood. Saturday morning chaos. Bad timing.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- I shall leave you alone...- Thanks.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13..and come back this evening.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Oh...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Great.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18It could be like Big Brother.
0:06:18 > 0:06:25Yeah. "Day 49 and Daddy's tummy is full of carrots."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Why have you got to have this...thing?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Look, it is purely precautionary. It's standard procedure now.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34If you're middle-aged and have tummy trouble, then...
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Will the camera be searching for cancer?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Ben, shut up!- It's OK, Jake.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40It's fine. He can ask that.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42There's nothing to be frightened of.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Cancer is just a word and we shouldn't be afraid of saying it.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Cancer.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Yeah, that's...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Yeah, there is a difference between not being frightened of it
0:06:53 > 0:06:55and turning it into a catchphrase.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58It's not funny, Ben. Jane's dad's got cancer and...
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Yeah, it's OK, Jake. It's OK. Look, I am confident that I've not got...
0:07:03 > 0:07:05There are millions of stomach-related ailments.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07It will turn out to be one of them, believe me.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12Probably turn out to be...to do with my nerves or something.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Why would your nerves be bad? - I don't know.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17It's hard to work out, isn't it? Put down the carving fork.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Just looking at the shape of it. - Pointy, that's the shape of it.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Now, put it down.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26If you used this as a javelin, you could impale two aliens at once.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28As long as they're standing next to each other, are very thin,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30and they're standing still.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Why are boys so aggressive?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Why do you see everything as a weapon?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Because boys can throw and girls can't.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Boys are brilliant.- Shut up!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- THUD - Ow!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- She's throwing fruit again! - Oh, God.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Jake was at it again.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Ogling Frank and Jean's daughter, Kelly.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Oh, yeah. The one with the legs?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53The one with the honours degree from Oxford.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Oh, yeah.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Honestly, the boys' attitude to women, it's medieval.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Ben sees women solely as...staff
0:08:03 > 0:08:05and Jake spends his whole time
0:08:05 > 0:08:08watching the Pussycat Dolls with a face like this.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Yeah, well, he's a boy, he's 13 and...
0:08:10 > 0:08:11THUD JAKE: Shut up!
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Oh, God. What on earth is going on in here?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- You're in a bad mood. - Shut up. Shut up, Ben!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Just stop it! Come on. - You're so annoying!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Ben, no hitting. - SUE: There is no need to fight.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24There is, actually.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27When we men were cavemen, we used to fight other cavemen
0:08:27 > 0:08:29so they didn't steal our pet brontosauruses.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30It's Darwin.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32A, that is not Darwin, that's The Flintstones,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34and B, that is utter b...rubbish.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37You never see your dad starting a fight, do you?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39No, cos he'd lose.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Mum's right. Real men don't fight.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43That's right.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46They're man enough to control themselves.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Exactly. So, you two just cool it.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53OK. Washing up's done and I'll see you about one.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56OK, so... No, hang on!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Wait a minute! What do you mean, "See you at one"?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Where are you going?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Well, this is a bit of a visual clue.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- No, you're not playing tennis. - Yes, I am.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06No, not this morning. You're on kids patrol.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09No, I'm not. I'm playing tennis with Frankie, Rick and Bob.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10I've done the washing up.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I've got a coffee with Jilly and Susannah.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Yeah, but...I'm playing tennis.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16- Since when? - What do you mean, "Since when"?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19This is a long-standing arrangement.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21No, it's not on the calendar.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24You know the rule. If it's not on the calendar, it doesn't exist.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25- That's the rule.- I know but...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27It's not a fully sanctioned, bona fide commitment.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- Yes, and that's... - And that's the rule.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33And we've agreed the rule to prevent this kind of double-booking.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- If it's not in the calendar... - But it is in the calendar.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Where?
0:09:39 > 0:09:40There. See?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42- Where?- There!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"P ton."
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"P ten." Short for tennis.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Well, how am I supposed to decode that?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I haven't got an Enigma machine.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Why should you be my apprentice?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Because I'm a winner.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I don't even know the meaning of the word "loser".
0:10:00 > 0:10:04And I've never, ever, ever failed anything in my entire life.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06You're fired!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Now, who's next?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I'm a good team leader.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16No, that's not true. She's bossy.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19She's a panda. And she's dead!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22The rule is it has to be on the calendar
0:10:22 > 0:10:25and written in something resembling English.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Clearly "P ten" stands for "Pete - tennis".
0:10:27 > 0:10:29So, why not just write "tennis"?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Because there isn't room.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32The box is too small
0:10:32 > 0:10:34and half of it is taken up
0:10:34 > 0:10:37with the revelation that it is National Weaving Day in Canada.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Oh, I see. So, this is all about my calendar-buying skills, now, is it?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42No, all I'm saying is
0:10:42 > 0:10:44there isn't room for my name and the word "tennis".
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Yeah, because most of the box
0:10:46 > 0:10:48is taken up with the words "Sue coffee morn".
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Is that what that says?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52You know perfectly well that's what that says.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54How am I meant to decipher that microscopic scrawl?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Hang on. You put your tennis there this morning.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00I did not. I put that on the calendar last Tuesday.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Well, I don't remember seeing it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Just cos you didn't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I am good at everything.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Well, I don't care.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11You...you... you...
0:11:11 > 0:11:15You smell of flowers! And flowers give me hay fever.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17You're fired!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21And you two, you're just a pair of clowns.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23You're fired!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26All I'm saying is, as commitments go,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28a tennis match trumps a coffee morning, surely?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Well, how do you work that one out?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Because if I cancel, I'm letting down Rick, Bob and Frankie.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35That is three people.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37If you cancel, you're letting down two.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Oh, for f... - Also, if I don't turn up,
0:11:39 > 0:11:40the boys can't have a match,
0:11:40 > 0:11:41whereas if you don't turn up,
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Jilly and Susannah can still...drink coffee.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- I don't believe this. - Also, I really need a run around.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52I mean, I have had an extremely stressful week at work.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54YOU'VE had a stressful week at work?!
0:11:54 > 0:11:55I've been working on telesales...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Yes, but you had a night out on Thursday, didn't you?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02That was parents' evening!
0:12:02 > 0:12:03I spent hours sitting around,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07waiting to be told that it's great that Ben's so keen on the Aztecs
0:12:07 > 0:12:11but he has to stop carving scenes of human sacrifice onto the desks!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Yes, but this tennis court is specifically booked for this morning,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17whereas your coffee morning could be rescheduled.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I mean, booking these courts - they're like gold dust.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24So, you're saying that your social life is more important than mine?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- No. No, I'm not saying that. - Yes, you are.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30You're saying that four men playing tennis
0:12:30 > 0:12:33is more important than three women having a coffee morning.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Well, it is.- What?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38A coffee morning isn't competitive.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41It's not like, "Who can drink the frothiest coffees?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:45But tennis is men fighting for victory, and that's more important.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Well, I don't know where he got that from.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Can't we get someone in to look after them?
0:12:51 > 0:12:52At five minutes' notice?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54What about old what's-her-name, the old lady up the road?
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Joan? She won't do it. Her doctor's told her she mustn't do it again.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Oh, yeah.- There's only one way to resolve this. We'll toss for it.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03All right.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Tails, I get my coffee morning,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07heads, you get your tennis.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08- OK.- OK?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14- It's best out of three.- What?!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Best out of three.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Best out of three? It's best of one. I've won.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22So, what was this bloke's name? I didn't catch...
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Lance.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Just moved in opposite Frankie, so he roped him in last minute.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Why did Bob pull out?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30He double-booked himself with his wife on kids patrol, didn't he?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- What a pillock.- Yeah!
0:13:33 > 0:13:34What a pillock.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36OK, ready?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Nice!- Out!
0:13:44 > 0:13:45By about that much.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Maybe it was out.
0:13:47 > 0:13:4915-0.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Hi, Dad!- Hi, Dad!
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Sorry.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I'm sorry, Pete, but Melanie just called and her car's broken down,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04so I'm going to have to take Jake plus Dean plus Luke to football.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- You've got to look after these two. - Can't someone else?
0:14:07 > 0:14:08I've tried everybody. Honestly.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Got to go because Luke and Dean are at our place.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14But I'm meant to be playing tennis. How do I keep them entertained?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Look, I've brought toys for them.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Ben! I told you not to bring this! It'll be fine.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24This is not a practical arrangement.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26They can have a game on one of these spare courts,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28which are like gold dust, apparently.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- Bye!- How am I supposed to...?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Oh, she's good.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Right, kids, here we go. I've got some spare racquets here.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- Thanks, Rick. - You know Frankie, don't you?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- And that's Lance. - Oh, Lance. That is so cool.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44You've got the name of a weapon.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I wanted to call myself Scimitar
0:14:46 > 0:14:48but Dad said there'd be too much paperwork.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- Right.- You just play a nice game there.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53See how long you can keep that up.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Are we ready? 15-0.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58(SHRIEKS)
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Karen...what are you doing?
0:15:03 > 0:15:08Well, when professional tennis women play tennis,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11every time they hit the ball they go "Ahhh!"
0:15:11 > 0:15:13And then they sit down and eat a banana.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Yeah, well, Venus Williams might, but it's very distracting.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- So, if you can... - Why do they make that noise?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I mean, they're just hitting a tennis ball,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24not, like, a rock or something made of osmium,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26the heaviest metal known to man.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Are we going to play tennis or not? - Yeah. Sorry.
0:15:30 > 0:15:3115-0.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33This is boring!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Look, do some drawing or something.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I've got an idea. Ben, why don't you be our ball boy?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- You know, like at Wimbledon.- OK.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45And, Karen, you can be our umpire.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I don't think that's a very good idea.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- Is that the one who's in charge? - She tends to get a bit...
0:15:50 > 0:15:52That's right, you're the ref.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55What you do is, every time the ball hits the net you shout "Foul".
0:15:55 > 0:15:56OK.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Wait!
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Play!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Look, boys, look. Check these out.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Sorry about that, boys. I had to drop off Ben and Karen.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Did you see those...? - ALL LAUGH
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Morning, Mrs Brockman. - Morning, Mrs Brockman.- Hi, boys.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Out!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Out?- Yeah.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Well, what does our umpire say?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I shall have to consult Hawk-Eye.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Whoooo!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- In!- No, sweetheart, it wasn't.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Well, yeah, it was, because it bounced here.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02And don't call me "sweetheart".
0:17:02 > 0:17:04The umpire's word is final, Lance.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- I'm telling you, it was out. - Yeah, you can't face the truth.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Are you going to...?- Karen, stop it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12You're saying, "I thought it was in" because you're a bad loser.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- And you're too competitive. - It really doesn't matter.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- Let's play a let. - What? But I'm the umpire!
0:17:19 > 0:17:20- Karen... - I get to choose what we do.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- Book him.- Good idea.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- Daddy, you're booked.- Whoa!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- Whoa!- Ben, what are you doing?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29A Mexican wave. Whoa!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32You can't do a Mexican wave with just one person.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Yes, you can. You just have to keep running round the court.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Actually, I think the ball probably was in, Lance.
0:17:43 > 0:17:4440-30 to you.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Thanks for the lift, Mrs Brockman.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Could you just hang on a second, Jakey?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- No, I've got to go play football. - No, this won't take a moment.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Jake...do you know what the objectification of women is?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Foreign film?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09No, it's not a foreign film.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14It's when a woman is seen just as an object or a commodity.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17By men.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20For instance, if a pretty girl walks by
0:18:20 > 0:18:22and someone says, "Did you see those?"
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Rather than, "Did you see her?"
0:18:25 > 0:18:27That was abbreviating.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29What?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32You know. I said "those" as opposed to "those girls".
0:18:32 > 0:18:37Because there was a pair of them. Girls. A pair of girls.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40So I, um, said, "those"
0:18:40 > 0:18:45much like you would say, "Watch out for those cars."
0:18:45 > 0:18:51I think you might have confused me with a gullible idiot.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Yours!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Mine!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Yes! Yes.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Game 2-1.- Out!
0:19:01 > 0:19:02- What?!- That was out.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04And that's a point to Daddy's team.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Oh, for f...
0:19:05 > 0:19:09And another point to Daddy's team for bad language.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10- I didn't swear!- You were going to.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- Yeah, you were going to say... - Ben!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- She can't dock points like that. - It's fine.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Look, just ignore her.- You can't ignore me, I'm the referee.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- Karen...- And don't argue with me.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21You've already been booked.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Again, I thought that probably did look out.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26The ball was miles off. That bloke's blind.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- Ben!- Deuce it is, then.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Girls like to be admired!
0:19:34 > 0:19:35They like to be admired, yes,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38but as a person, not as a sexual object.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Does Britney Spears want that?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Look, Jake, all I'm saying is
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I don't want you growing up into the kind of man
0:19:47 > 0:19:50who talks to a woman without looking at their face.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52You are such a hypocrite.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- Oh, you idiot!- Advantage us!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57What is wrong with me today?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Well, um, what star sign are you? - Pisces.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02It's probably just a bad day for Pisces.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Mind you, Daddy's playing rubbish and he's Cancer.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Can we get on with it, please?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- Yes. Sorry. - Advantage us. Set point.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I am not a hypocrite!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Yes, you are!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I've heard you and your friends talk about that builder across the street.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Well... How did you hear that?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26All giggling and cracking jokes about the size of his spanner.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Yeah, well, that was Melanie. That wasn't me.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32And when you were rating his arse out of ten,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35you were obviously just admiring him as a person.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Look, Jake, A, you shouldn't eavesdrop...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Eavesdrop? You were screeching like...
0:20:39 > 0:20:43..and, B, it was different because...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46he didn't know we were looking at him.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- That's not the point. - Look, the point is...
0:20:48 > 0:20:51The point is I'm late. See you later.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56By the way, I said you could wash the kit.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Mine!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Yes! - I thought that looked a bit wide.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07It landed...
0:21:09 > 0:21:10..here.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12See? Wide.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Yeah, but I saw it and it was good. Why believe her?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Believe me because my eyes are good because I'm young.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Karen...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Your eyes are more smaller and a bit wrinklier
0:21:22 > 0:21:25and you can't see because you're quite old.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Oh, this is a bloody joke! - Racquet abusement!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Two points to Daddy's team.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33One for racquet abusement and another for swearing.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36This is ridiculous. Something's going on here.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I've had four perfectly good points called out.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Yeah, by... How do you explain that, eh?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Maybe it's something to do with your star sign.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Karen...- Are you Pisces or are you a Cancer?
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- What?- Let's just play a let. First serve.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Why do they name a star sign after a disease, like cancer?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Yeah, do you mind?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- It's only a word. There's nothing to be afraid of.- Ben!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- Ben! - I'm just saying it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Please!
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Thank you.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer.- Ben!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Oh, come on. This is out of order.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Eh? - He's obviously playing mind games.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- He's nine. - He knows what he's doing.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Like her. She sees what she wants to see.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's rich.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Sorry?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Are you calling me a cheat?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Uh, yeah, I am calling you a cheat.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Ha! Listen, matey. I don't have to cheat to beat you.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Lance. - I played for my county.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Which county was that? Wankershire?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Oh! Yeah, come on. - Lance, it's all right.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Leave it. - I'm ready.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Rick. - Lance.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Get off! (GRUNTS)
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Get off me!
0:22:56 > 0:23:01- BEN CHUCKLES - Wait! Just leave him.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- LANCE GRUNTS - Rick!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Oh, Jesus!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I think the world is unfair to women.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Well, absolutely. I think you're right.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Often it is.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Because women can't grow moustaches or beards.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Do you want to grow a beard?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Well, I might want to be a... a tugboat captain
0:23:25 > 0:23:28or a...a...an ayatollah.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Well, you'd make a very good ayatollah.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35But women can do things men can't. Women can have babies.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Yes, but I'd rather have a moustache than a baby
0:23:37 > 0:23:42cos then you could just shave it off if...if...you change your mind
0:23:42 > 0:23:43and you can't do that with a baby.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Ahhh!
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Ow! Ben, I've told you not to fire that in the house.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Don't shoot things at people.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Can I grow a beard when I'm older, like Eric Bloodaxe or Blackbeard?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- I'm sure you can grow a beard. - It'd be really cool.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Cos Blackbeard used to put fireworks in it and...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Why did he have...?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03And sparklers and matches and it would be, like, pfft!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06There would be an element of danger in that.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I think that might raise a few health and safety issues.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11If you had a really long beard, like Blackbeard,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14you could put little animals in there,
0:24:14 > 0:24:16so whenever you had an enemy walking up to you,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18a ferret would pop out of your beard and bite him.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20So, you'd have them trained...
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Or you could have a spitting cobra,
0:24:22 > 0:24:26which has been painted to make it look like part of your beard
0:24:26 > 0:24:27and then it goes...thark!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30TV ANNOUNCER: Bring on the wall!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Bring on the wall? - I like this.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Yes, but how's that entertainment?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38It's funny, isn't it?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Vanessa Feltz being hit by a real wall - that would be entertainment.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43It's not every day you get to see someone really fat
0:24:43 > 0:24:45stuck into a really tight Lycra costume.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Then they get pushed into the water.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48It's entertainment, Dad, just face it.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53What, people who can't even work out the shape they have to be
0:24:53 > 0:24:55to get through a large hole in a wall?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57No, it's not that they can't work it out
0:24:57 > 0:24:58but if they're sort of a metre wide
0:24:58 > 0:25:00and the gap is only, like, 50cm wide,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02then it's just, you know, physics, isn't it?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04They're not going to fit through.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I'm not accepting that that is physics, Jake.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Maybe it's not physics. I couldn't think of what to call it.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Cos you watch too many programmes like this.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- SIGHS - Bring on the wall? Bring on an early death.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- What else is on? - No, Dad, don't change...
0:25:19 > 0:25:21What's that?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Doctor Who.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24That's not Doctor Who.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26It's The Making Of Doctor Who. Same thing.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Oh, no, not another Making Of programme.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Or you could have a chameleon which looks like part of your beard.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Or you could have a scorpion,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37and it just scuttles out and goes like that and it goes...pfft!
0:25:37 > 0:25:41So, you would fill your beard with attack animals?
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Don't put that in your gun cos that's a dangerous missile.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Oh, all right.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48If you fired that out, you'd really hurt someone.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51What happens if your hair grows really, really long,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53like down to your feet,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55and then it grows its own personality
0:25:55 > 0:25:57and it starts attacking you and controlling you?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59SIGHS
0:25:59 > 0:26:02What is wrong with Making Of programmes, Dad?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Because television is like a pork pie.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Fantastic, but you don't want to know what goes in them.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- But you just... - I'm going to see what else is on.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Dad, why do you always change the channel when something good comes on?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- GROANS - Oh, Spooks.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- That's a good show as well. - It's not realistic.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19None of the agents has ever got pissed
0:26:19 > 0:26:21and left a top-secret dossier on a train.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24I drawed some pictures of you.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Right.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- They're of you playing tennis. - Lovely.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- This is you holding a racquet. - Oh, yeah.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36And this is that man biting your friend's knee
0:26:36 > 0:26:39and him saying, "Ouch, ouch, ouchy!"
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Although, that's not actually what he said.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- No, I know. - He actually said...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46What's that up in the sky?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47That's a dragon.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Being ridden by Barack Obama?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Yes. He's coming to arrest all of you.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Right.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58- Come on, Karen. Time for bed. - All right, all right. Don't bang on.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02I wasn't...banging on!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03CHANGES CHANNEL
0:27:07 > 0:27:12"Real men don't fight. They're man enough to control themselves."
0:27:12 > 0:27:16I didn't fight. I was restraining them.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Ben says you gave this bloke a crafty elbow in the ribs.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23That was an... accidental collision...
0:27:23 > 0:27:26while I was restraining them.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27That's pathetic.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Four grown men. What are you watching?
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Oh, it's Simon Cowell being rude to a mentally ill person.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- Right. - CHANGES CHANNEL
0:27:36 > 0:27:41I tried having a word with Jake about his attitude towards women.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46And I'm...I'm so depressed by the way everybody just automatically...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48DOORBELL RINGS
0:27:48 > 0:27:51..slots themselves into these stupid sexual stereotypes.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53It's prehistoric.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Back as promised.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59I've actually got a copy
0:27:59 > 0:28:03of what the council laughably call their Traffic Calming Programme.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Would you like me to talk you through it?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10That's going to be too technical for my girlie brain.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13This is man's talk. I'll go and get my hubby.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15- Oh. - Peter!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17It's for you, darling.