0:00:02 > 0:00:04Ooh! Karen, have you turned off the hot water again?
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Don't you want to save polar bears?
0:00:11 > 0:00:12HE GROANS
0:00:12 > 0:00:16- Ah! Die, infidel dog!- Ben.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18- Ah!- I've got a bit of a headache.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21So if you could just go easy on the deafening roaring, it would be...
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Why is your face grey?
0:00:25 > 0:00:26I've just...
0:00:26 > 0:00:29You look like somebody's shaded you in with a pencil.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33I'm just... If you... Just keep it down, OK?
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Karen, I can't hear any movement.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Oh! Just...
0:00:40 > 0:00:42You haven't developed OCD, have you?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44No. The estate agent rang.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47We've finally got a nibble,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49and there's a couple coming round this afternoon,
0:00:49 > 0:00:55so I've got to make this place clean and tidy and presentable.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Yeah, well, good luck with that.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05You're practising for a game called Crusades?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Yeah, at break time, I'm going to be Richard the Lionheart,
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Ibrahim's going to be Saladin,
0:01:10 > 0:01:14and all the girls are going to play the innocent civilians...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16who get massacred.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Right.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23You smell like that relief teacher who didn't stay very long.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25You know, the one with the shaky hand
0:01:25 > 0:01:28and who always used to cry for no reason.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34This is solid! Oh, God.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39Ben hasn't been mixing cement in the sink again, has he?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41The kitchen is very messy, Mummy.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Yes, I know that, thank you. That's why I...
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Karen! You're still in your pyjamas!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Come on! Chop chop. - No, I'm not going to school today.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Oh, don't be stupid, darling.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I'm not being stupid. Watch my lips.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59- I am not going to school today. - Oh, really? And why is that?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Because I'm scared.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Scared?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Rahh!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09HE IMITATES GUNFIRE
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- Dad?- Yes?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14What's the point of living?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- The point of...?- Yeah.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Why do we live?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Well...I don't know.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22I've got a head...
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That is an enormous question
0:02:24 > 0:02:30that has puzzled mankind down through the ages.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31OK. Just asking.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37SHAVER BUZZES
0:02:37 > 0:02:38HE GROANS
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Why are you scared, Karen? You like going to school.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Yes, but today I'm staying at home,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49because that way nothing bad can happen to me.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Well, what do you mean, sweetheart?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Nothing bad's going to happen to you.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Why should anything bad happen to you?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Because today is Friday the 13th.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03No, darling. That's just a silly superstition.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Nothing bad is going to happen.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08But something bad has already happened. My goldfish died.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Er... That was on Monday.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Yes, the Monday in the same week as Friday the 13th.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- Oh, that's ridiculous! - It's not ridiculous.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Oh, Friday the 13th is not an especially unlucky day. It's just...
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Tell that to Mrs B.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Her husband dropped dead in Woolworths on Friday the 13th.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Are you saying that's not unlucky?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Well, no, dropping dead is quite unlucky. But...
0:03:34 > 0:03:37And it was unlucky for Woolworths as well,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39because not long after that they closed.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- But that was the recess... - Listen, Karen.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Mrs B is a very nice, kind, old lady.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46She just happens to be very superstitious.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Yes, but she knows stuff. - And some of what she says...
0:03:49 > 0:03:53And she told me all the things that can bring bad luck.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Whistling in the house, which you do all the time,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00and it's probably why my goldfish died.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- Karen, there is no connection between...- No, because...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07..the death of a fish and me whistling occasionally.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09When Ben broke the mirror,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11the same day he cut his foot.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Because the mirror fell on his foot.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16And you're always opening umbrellas in the house,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20and that's probably why you can't clean up all this mess.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I can't keep the kitchen clean, because you lot create such a...
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Karen, look... - I'm not going to school!
0:04:26 > 0:04:31- MOBILE PHONE BEEPS You are going to school! Now go and get dressed.- Oh, no.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Don't make me go to school. If you don't believe in bad luck...
0:04:34 > 0:04:36What's all this about?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39She's refusing to go to school, because it's Friday the 13th,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41and she thinks something bad's going to happen.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Something bad will happen. Mrs B told me.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Right. That's the last time she comes to baby sit.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Well, let's not be hasty, Pete.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Mrs B is a good baby sitter.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54She's great with the kids and very calm.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57And she's old and lonely, so she's always available.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Yes, but... - I like it when Mrs B comes.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01She shows me how to bake cakes
0:05:01 > 0:05:04and she reads me lovely bedtime stories...
0:05:04 > 0:05:05See?
0:05:05 > 0:05:09And last time she came, she brought her tarot cards, and Ben got Death.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Yeah, that was cool. - Look, you're going to school.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Look, it's just another day. Nothing especially bad is going to happen.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18How can you say that?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21You've already been sick this morning, in the toilet.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Has he?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Yeah, he was going... - SHE RETCHES
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- "Jesus. Oh, God..." - SHE RETCHES
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- "Oh, my God, I feel terrible." - SHE RETCHES
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Yes, that's enough... - "Oh, God, I..." - SHE RETCHES
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- "Oh, Jesus. " - OK. All right.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Oh, that's so unfair. I wish I had seen that.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42And I think Jesus only helps poor people with diseases.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47I don't think he helps people with bad tummies on Friday the 13th.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Were there carrots in it or, like, were there any peas in it?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- OK.- Listen, you two...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54That's why I don't eat vegetables.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Dad throwing up has nothing to do with today being Friday the 13th.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00All that happened was last night he went to a leaving do,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02got paralytic, staggered home in the early hours of the morning
0:06:02 > 0:06:04and fell into bed stinking like a brewery.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06That's right, isn't it, Mum?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Karen? Karen, look at me.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12You're safe to go into school today,
0:06:12 > 0:06:13cos I promise you
0:06:13 > 0:06:17that Friday the 13th is no more dangerous than any other day.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18All right?
0:06:18 > 0:06:19OK.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22That's not strictly true,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25because Friday the 13th is more dangerous,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29because it was Friday the 13th when all those teenagers got killed.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30See?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- They were all camping by a lake... - Ben, that's a film.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36And Friday the 13th in the same lake a few years ago...
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- It's a film. - ..a boy had murdered his mother.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42And then his mum's spirit comes to present day...
0:06:42 > 0:06:43- Film. - ..and murdered all the teenagers.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- Ben!- All that happened on Friday the 13th.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48So I shouldn't go to school either.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Ben, it's a movie, it's not...
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Hang on, when did he see Friday The 13th?
0:06:54 > 0:06:55It's way too scary for a 9 year old.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57It's not that scary.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00But when did...?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Maisie's sleepover.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Oh, for...! Karen, go and get changed for school.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08No, I'm not going and I mean it.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And I mean it!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I'm just not in the mood, OK?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20So last night was worth it, was it?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Oh, it was OK.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24How come you got so wrecked? It's years since you've done that.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29Oh, I don't know. I got ambushed by these bright green cocktails.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh, well, that explains the toilet.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34It's stupid. It's not doing my stomach any good.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36What time did you get in?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Oh, I don't know. Three-ish?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I did text you about midnight to tell you I was going to be late.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Oh, is that what it said?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Well, it's difficult to text when you're drunk.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48You lose control of your thumbs.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Yeah. The last bit had nine consecutive Ws.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Sorry.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55You upset me when you shouted at me.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Did I?
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Karen? Karen, I know you're dawdling deliberately.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I'm looking for my shoes, OK?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Well, could they be these shoe shaped objects
0:08:07 > 0:08:08here in the middle of the room?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Rahh!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14How am I going to get this place tidied before they come to view it?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Have you explained to the people yet
0:08:17 > 0:08:19that whatever happens I'll not be moving
0:08:19 > 0:08:22and I'll be staying on in my room?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25No, I thought I'd let that be a lovely surprise.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Go and get dressed.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29When we move, can we move to Australia,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32because Australia's brilliant and they've got the two step spider,
0:08:32 > 0:08:36because it bites you and then when you walk two steps, you die.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Don't oversell it, now.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Ooh, and do you know how kangaroos keep cool in the desert?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- No.- They cover themself in their own saliva.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Eugh!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48If we move to Australia, we could buy a kangaroo
0:08:48 > 0:08:52and then we could bottle its saliva and use it instead of suntan lotion.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Bottle kangaroo saliva?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55It would be better at airports,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58because they always take your sun cream and then glare at you a bit
0:08:58 > 0:09:00and then they give it back to you.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Yeah.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04But if you've got the kangaroo with you, they can't take the kangaroo,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06cos the kangaroo doesn't want to be taken.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09So you take the kangaroo to the airport...?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10What's this you're printing?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13It's just, um, a really interesting website I found on the internet
0:09:13 > 0:09:17about how the attack on the Twin Towers was, like, orchestrated by George Bush.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18It's for my history project.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Yeah, well, that's not really history, as such, is it?
0:09:21 > 0:09:25That's more sort of, er...bollocks.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29You don't seriously sign up for this rubbish, do you?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Well, I'm not sure it makes total sense, no, but...- Thank you.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34..you've got to admit there's something weird
0:09:34 > 0:09:36about the way those towers collapsed.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39And there's this other spider which hides under your toilet seat
0:09:39 > 0:09:42and then when you go to the toilet, it jumps out and bites you.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46And going to the toilet is quite boring, but this makes it much more exciting.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Hang on, there's a slice of pizza down here! Is that yours?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Is it a margherita?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Er...no.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Ah, then it's not mine.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- No, Dad, that is crap. - Wait, hang on.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02How do these people
0:10:02 > 0:10:06at I'll-believe-anything- because-I'm-a-gullible-idiot.com
0:10:06 > 0:10:08explain the fact that Osama bin Laden
0:10:08 > 0:10:13went on television and said that he had attacked the Twin Towers?
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Ah, but did he?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Yes. Yes, he did. DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Jake...can you get that? - But the CIA could have easily...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22It'll be Melanie. She's going to take them to school
0:10:22 > 0:10:24so I've more time to get this straight.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29When are you going to hospital so the doctors can put the camera up your bottom?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Um...Monday. Why?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Can you ask if you can keep the film?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- Only I'd like to take it into class for show and tell.- Show and t...?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40No. I don't want everyone in your school knowing about my colonoscopy.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43They already know. Karen put it on Facebook.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44But...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46And Mum told all the other mums at pick-up time.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Well, not all the mums.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Well, it's not a secret, is it?
0:10:53 > 0:10:57No, I'd just rather it wasn't the lead item on the news.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Hi, Jake.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Hi, Melanie. They're on their way. - Oh, right.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- Hi, Kelly. How's it going? - So, how are you?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Fine.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10I hear you're turning into a bit of a star striker.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Look, see, Libra's facing unexpected difficulties.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16That's proof that I shouldn't go to school today.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It's astrology. It's not proof of anything except human stupidity.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Now, come on, move it. - You'll regret this!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23What happens if you send me to school,
0:11:23 > 0:11:28and then on the way I get ripped apart by ferocious huge bears?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30You'd be sorry then, wouldn't you?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Yep, I'd be in pieces.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35And so would you. Keep moving.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Thanks, Mel. You're a lifesaver.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Come on, Jake, shift yourself. You'll be late.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Come on, we've got to leave. Come on, Ben.- Shift!
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Yeah, sorry?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And put your tongue in. We don't want you tripping over it.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Hi, Melanie! - Hiya.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Don't forget your masterpiece on how Bush destroyed the Twin Towers.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Oh, God. All that conspiracy stuff's pretty daft, isn't it?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58At last, the voice of reason.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Mind you, there was something a bit weird
0:12:00 > 0:12:02about the way those towers collapsed.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- Ah!- There, see?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Ben, don't go rushing off on your own!
0:12:08 > 0:12:12We don't want another letter from the social services.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Good luck with the colonoscopy, Pete.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17My brother had one, said it was fine. See ya!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I expect she saw that on Ceefax.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- See ya.- Bye!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Get the crossbow, cos we need to win this war!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Oh, my God.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Hiya!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- Sorry, wrong house. - This took me seven hours.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Seven hours?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Yeah, well, I lost the first hour working out where to start,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58but I soon got cracking
0:12:58 > 0:12:59and I found an old wasps' nest,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02your missing passport that we had to replace
0:13:02 > 0:13:04and two German road signs.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Cleaning Ben's room alone took me three hours.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12You cleaned Ben's room? My God!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14That place looked like... the apocalypse.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Where did you put all his crap?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Right.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25How was school?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Oh, we had the police in with some handwriting experts
0:13:28 > 0:13:31after the latest death threat to the headmaster.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I mean, personally, I don't think it could have been one of our pupils
0:13:35 > 0:13:38who wrote the death threats, because the grammar's too good,
0:13:38 > 0:13:42and the word "disembowel" is spelt correctly.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's probably one of the teachers...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48..like last time.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- Ow.- Are you all right?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Yeah, it's just some clown clattered into me last night
0:13:56 > 0:13:58during the dancing.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Dancing? You hate dancing.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02No, but I was too drunk to remember that.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Well, you didn't even dance at our wedding.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- What sort of dancing was it?- What?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Was it slow dancing, boppy dancing...
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It was just dancing to music. I don't know.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14All right, all right, I was just asking...
0:14:14 > 0:14:16DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:16 > 0:14:18..what sort of dancing it was.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- Hi, guys!- On to Jerusalem!
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Stay out of the kitchen!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31So, Karen, did anything bad happen today?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32There's still time.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Stay out of the kitchen! Thanks for that, Mel.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Were they OK? - Oh, no problem.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Oh, Ben's teacher said can she have a word with you tomorrow.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Something about him and Ibrahim
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- kettling all the girls in the lower playground.- Oh, not again!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50What the hell have you done to my room?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It's full of...floor.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54It's nice, isn't it? Stay out of it.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- I'll go in the kitchen, then. - And the kitchen.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Stay out of that too.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00You can go in there, but don't touch anything.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Would you like to come in? - No, that's fine.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- Good luck with your buyers. - Thank you.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Well, well, well, Karen.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Friday the 13th successfully negotiated
0:15:11 > 0:15:14and miraculously you remain unsavaged by bears.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Why is Friday the 13th so unlucky? Where did all that come from?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- I think it's something to do with the Last Supper, isn't it?- Eh?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Well, at Jesus's last supper, Judas made 13 at the table
0:15:25 > 0:15:30and Judas betrayed Jesus who was then crucified, and I think...
0:15:30 > 0:15:31See, see, see?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35He was crucified. I don't think you can get unluckier than that.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- No, but...- You can...
0:15:37 > 0:15:38if you get crucified by accident.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Just imagine, it's a really lovely day,
0:15:41 > 0:15:45and suddenly your shoelaces untie, and you're walking
0:15:45 > 0:15:47and then you just go, like...
0:15:47 > 0:15:50"Whoa!" You fall on a cross with nails sticking out of it
0:15:50 > 0:15:52and then you crucify yourself by accident.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54But it'd be really bad if you just...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56We may have gone off on a bit of a tangent.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Hiya!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- Hi.- Ah...
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- Um...- Here.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06No, please, just, um, let me do it.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- It's all right. - No, it's fine.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09No, it's OK. I don't mind.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Here. There you go.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Thanks.- Bye.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Listen, Karen.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Jesus was not crucified on Friday the 13th.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- It was a Friday, though, wasn't it? - Yeah, it was Good Friday.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Good Friday? That's a weird name for a day when somebody gets crucified.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35It should have been called something like Ouchy Friday
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- or Oh No I'm Being Crucified Friday or...- Ouchy Friday?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40So what date was it when Jesus got killed?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Well, no one knows.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45So it could have been Friday the 13th.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- No. Well, technically, if you... - I bet it was.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52That's just the sort of thing that would happen,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54especially as Jesus was a Capricorn.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Oh, for heaven's sake!
0:16:56 > 0:16:57But he was born on Christmas Day.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- That makes him a Capricorn. - DOOR SLAMS
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Jake, don't go in the kitchen. It's temporarily out of bounds.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- What, because of the bird?- Sorry?
0:17:06 > 0:17:11- Yeah, there's a bird in here. - A bird?!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Oh, no! For God's sake!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Awesome!- Oh, my God.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- CHILDREN SHRIEK - All right, all right, everyone.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26Look, just stay calm, don't panic. It's just a pigeon.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28What the hell is it doing in my kitchen?!
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Probably come in from the garden.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Well, I didn't think it arrived by email.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- My God, there it is. - Oh, my God! There it is!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- It's all right. Just calm down. Calm down!- It's an omen!
0:17:37 > 0:17:38- Ben!- What?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Mrs B told me that if there's a bird in the house,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43there's going to be a death.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Karen, that's just...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- One for sorrow. - That's magpies, Karen.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Yeah, and this is a pigeon. Can we keep him?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Of course we can't keep it. - Come on. Come on, Mr Pigeon!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55We need to corral it out the way it came in.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57It's only got one escape route.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Well, I'm going up to my room. I do not want to be the one who dies.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04She's a real team player, isn't she?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06What's wrong with him? Why's he staying in here?
0:18:06 > 0:18:11There's gardens out there with trees and grass and sky...
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Perhaps he's agoraphobic.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14It's not funny, Pete.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16He's crapped on the computer.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- And that's not funny either. - Yes, it is.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21We've got people coming to look at the house in a few moments.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23All right, all right, calm down.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26No, because the conventional way to greet a potential buyer
0:18:26 > 0:18:28is with the smell of coffee and freshly baked bread,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31not...pigeon plop!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Pigeon plop!- Mum, don't worry.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I've spent all day cleaning this kitchen!
0:18:35 > 0:18:36- I've an idea. - We don't need an idea.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38You see, David Attenborough says
0:18:38 > 0:18:41that pigeons have a bit of magnetism in their brain,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43and that's how they get home -
0:18:43 > 0:18:46they track the earth's magnetic field...
0:18:46 > 0:18:47You go around from that side.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50If I sit out in the garden with a massive magnet,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I'd be able to suck him out the kitchen.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Mum, calm down. - We just inch slowly...
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Do we have a massive magnet? - No!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59We don't have a bloody massive magnet!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Don't shout, because you'll just upset...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03CRASH!
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Oh, Jesus!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07There's marbles all over the floor!
0:19:07 > 0:19:11I'm sure if we leave it alone, it'll fly out on its own in the end.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13No, it's no big deal. There are three of us.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Look, we could just herd it towards...
0:19:15 > 0:19:17What's that?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- WHISPERS:- It's a picture of a cat. - Oh, for God's...
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Ben, this isn't really a four man job. Why don't you go and play in your bedroom?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- I can't. It feels weird. - Ben, just...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Oh, my God. That'll be them.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32All right, don't panic.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Right. You stall them. Show them the rest of the house,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Jake and I will stay and we'll try and get rid of that thing.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Or we could just explain it to them.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Pete, I've spent hours, invested hours...
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- Have you come to buy the house? - Well, possibly.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Well, you should cos it's fantastic, especially if you're a kid.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51There's loads of brilliant places you can hide for hours,
0:19:51 > 0:19:55until the adults start panicking and screaming out your name.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Right.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03And the most important thing is while you're here arguing,
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Ben is talking to them!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Oh, my...!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10And another interesting thing is in the basement...
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Sorry about that. Hi. I'm Pete.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Tony. Fiona. - Hi. This is Ben.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Yes, he's been telling us all about the house.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Has he? What's he been saying?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- It's a fantastic house for kids. - Oh, yes, of course.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Well, would you like the tour?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- This is Karen. - You can buy this house if you want.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33But I intend to stay living here.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Oh, right. - It wasn't my idea to move.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I wasn't consulted.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I'm sure your mummy and daddy always try and do what's best for you.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43No, I don't think so.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46This morning my daddy didn't even seem to care
0:20:46 > 0:20:49that I could have been torn apart by ferocious bears.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55No... That's not...that's not true.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57It's a long story. She was...
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Shall we start upstairs?
0:21:01 > 0:21:02It's just a bird.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Now the stupid thing's nesting on top of my fridge!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Mum, if we panic it, it might hurt itself.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08What is this - Pigeon Concern Week?
0:21:08 > 0:21:14If I...if I throw this hat on top of it, maybe we can...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17No! It's bad luck to throw a hat. Mrs B told me.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- No, she didn't. - Well, it was something about hats.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25Um...it might have been never throw a hat on a gypsy or...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- She's doing my head in. - Or never give money to Albanians.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Then that's not superstition, that's racism.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- And it's green! That's unlucky! - Karen!
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Well, the neighbours are nice, transport's good. What else?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Are you OK, love? - Yeah, I'm just a bit short of puff.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- Do you want a glass of water? - I would actually, yes. Thanks.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46That boy is very special.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Yes, that's the word his teachers keep using.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52You two go on up. I'll just sit here for a sec.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53- Are you sure? - OK, Tony. Up we go.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00OK, well, this is the third floor. It's just more bedrooms, really.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Ooh, the baby's kicking.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03So you're definitely having a baby.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Only I don't like to ask. Not since I upset that big fat lady.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Oh...oh, right.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12So your husband's black.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Um...yes.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16But you're white.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19So your baby could be black or white.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Um, well, yes. Or most likely something in between.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23But not stripy.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26No, I don't think I'd like a stripy baby.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Be harder to lose.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Y-Yeah, that's true...
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Cos they sometimes have mix-ups in the hospitals.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Sometimes. Not often.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Could you have a black and white spotty baby?
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- Um...it doesn't really work that way.- But you could call him Spot.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Um, yeah. We were thinking Peter, but, er, yeah...
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- You could have a zigzag baby. - ..it could be the middle name.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Or a black and white chequered baby. Or puzzle pieces.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Um, again, I don't think so, no. - Triangles!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I think it's probably going to be just the one colour...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Or you could have a football marking,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58like those big hexagons all over its body.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59But Mrs B said...
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Look, Karen, I tell you what,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03you make yourself useful by picking up all those marbles off the floor.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- But I didn't spill them. - I'm not saying you spilt them.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- But who spilt them? Cos... - It doesn't matter who spilt them.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13But whoever spilt them should clean them up.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Well, I'm asking you. It doesn't matter...- Yes, it does matter!
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Because say there was this massive ship carrying all this oil and...
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Karen!
0:23:21 > 0:23:22..and then someone spilt it all
0:23:22 > 0:23:25and made all the puffins all sticky and gooey and horrible
0:23:25 > 0:23:26and then they said,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30"It doesn't matter who spilt it. Karen, you go clean up."
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- It does matter!- Karen, please!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34But if babies were stripy and spotty,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37then there would be no racism, would there?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Well, that would be nice, wouldn't it?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Or maybe the spotty people would fight the stripy people
0:23:42 > 0:23:45and the chequered people,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48and they'd just have great big wars over stripy and spotty and stuff.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I don't think it's going to happen, but...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- I just need you to help me. - It's their responsibility!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55You need to do Mummy a favour.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- But if...- You have to help me out here. Just pick up the marbles.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01But it's like you hammering a nail into Daddy's head
0:24:01 > 0:24:04and then saying to Jake, "Go on, get it out!"
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- And you did it!- Oh, my word.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Are you going to hospital to have the baby?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10I'm not really a big fan of hospitals.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I don't mind the hospital. The nurses all know me.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14They've got special tongs
0:24:14 > 0:24:16for pulling memory sticks out of your throat.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Well, I think I'm going to have my baby at home.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- The lady across the road did that. - Oh, right.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Yeah, she screamed all night. I didn't know what was going on.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I thought there was a fox that had its paw stuck in a trap,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30and it was trying to bite its leg off to get free.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Oh, right.- There was loads of blood, apparently.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Dad said they had to get the whole bedroom redecorated.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41- Um, can I have some more water, do you think?- No problem.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42I bet it was you who spilt the marbles.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Oh, shush! He just needs one more little nudge.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50I think... Hang on. If I get this and I...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- No!- I can just push him out.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56That's the most worst luck, to open an umbrella inside!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Oh, don't be daft. - And it's green! Are you mad?!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00ARGUING CONTINUES
0:25:00 > 0:25:04I mean, you know I'm biased, but it's got a lovely feel about it.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06It's a very happy house.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Will you shut the hell up about it being green,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11or I'll ram it down your throat!
0:25:11 > 0:25:15ARGUING CONTINUES
0:25:15 > 0:25:17The lounge.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21I told you! Mummy, stop nagging me!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Well, ring bloody ChildLine, then. See if I care.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27This is the lounge.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Look, you've upset me and you've upset the bird!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- I'm sorry I lost it, but you keep banging on about...- But you upset me!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Look, everyone just...
0:25:36 > 0:25:37THUD
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Oh, hell.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42There are good schools.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44There's a GP surgery on the corner, also good.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Yeah, the doctor's really cool.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49He said they had to put a camera up Dad's bottom,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51and we're going to put it on YouTube.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55That's not going to happen.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58My sister had a colonoscopy. She said it was fine.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Yes, everyone tells me that.
0:26:01 > 0:26:07- Oh, poor thing. - Now, that has got to be bad luck.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Not just any bird in the house, but a dead bird in the house.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Why did he have to fly into the window?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15And this is the kitchen.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23This is my wife...
0:26:25 > 0:26:26..Sue.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Hello, there.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34It's usually a bit tidier than this.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40And obviously not usually... a dead bird.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Right, well, thanks for showing us around.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- There's more to see... - No, it's fine. Thanks.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Well, if you'd like to mull it over.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48If you want to come back another time or...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- I can't see that happening.- Really?
0:26:51 > 0:26:56My wife, she has a thing about birds in the house.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58She says it's a bad omen.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Does she?
0:27:00 > 0:27:01We'll see ourselves out.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06Yeah, well, mind out for the witches.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08You shouldn't joke about witches.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10They don't like it.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Oh, for God's sake.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Mum?- Yes?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17CAMERA CLICKS Oh, Jake!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I'm so going to Facebook all of this!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I didn't mean to hurt the poor...
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Mum, should I take the bird out into the garden and give it a postmortem?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- No.- All right.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- But it is science. - It's not science, it's...eugh.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Well, Leonardo da Vinci was always cutting up animals.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Along with most serial killers.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Aren't you going to read that?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44It's a text, not a royal bloody summons.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48All right, all right! Are you OK?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Yeah.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54So, the Enlightenment.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56What a waste of bloody time that was.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Do you know, the year may be 2010,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03but our kids, they're just living in the Dark Ages.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Witches! Crackpot conspiracy theories!
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Yeah, I know.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Blind superstition, astrology...
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Yeah.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15You know, the more irrational it is, the more they just lap it up.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Still, don't worry. They'll soon grow out of it. Touch wood.