0:00:02 > 0:00:05SUE: You can't stroll around the house stark naked.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07And all I'm saying is, you should have mentioned
0:00:07 > 0:00:09that Karen had a little friend staying the night.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- I did. You just forgot. - I did not forget. You didn't...
0:00:12 > 0:00:16On two or three occasions, I mentioned, "Don't go out starkers."
0:00:18 > 0:00:21(SIGHS) She's got a very piercing scream, hasn't she?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23So have you.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Look, Maisie hasn't got a dad,
0:00:26 > 0:00:27so she's not used to getting up in the night
0:00:27 > 0:00:31and encountering a great, hulking, hairy, naked man.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I did tell her not to scream.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37"Karen's daddy stood there naked and told me not to scream."
0:00:37 > 0:00:38That'll sound good in court.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Anyway, we've got to be at the restaurant in half an hour.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44We'd better get ready.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45BEN: One night,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Karen and her stupid friend Maisie
0:00:47 > 0:00:48were playing on the climbing frame,
0:00:48 > 0:00:52but little did they know that they were about to fall to their death.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54And Maisie died!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- And then Karen died! - (DOORBELL RINGS)
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Oh, hello. Is your mum or dad in?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Ah, well, I don't know where my mum is.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- And your dad? - He's on the toilet.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Right. Do you think he'll be long?
0:01:07 > 0:01:12Well, he can be very long, but...do you want money?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Oh, no, no. I'm here to save your mummy and daddy...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- LAUREN: Hi, Karen! - Oh, hi, Lauren!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22She came round to our house. My daddy says people like her should be shot.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24My dad's on the toilet.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- LAUREN: Bye! - So do you want money or not?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Little did Lady Victoria know
0:01:29 > 0:01:32that she was standing on top of a hot volcanic geyser.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I'm...I'm here to save your mummy and daddy money
0:01:38 > 0:01:40by combining their internet and telephone access
0:01:40 > 0:01:42through fibre-optic technology.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43PETE: Who is it, Karen?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46(YELLS) It's some person trying to sell...
0:01:46 > 0:01:50cyber-optic technology thingy.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- (LAUGHS) Fibre-optic. - PETE: We're not interested!
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- We're not interested. - Oh, but it's a really good deal.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- PETE: Tell her to go away. - Go away.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02The rebels have to escape a deadly cloud of gas.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Ahhh!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Grrrarrrgh!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09It burns! It burns! Everybody else is dead! It's just me!
0:02:09 > 0:02:10It's just that I need to make a sale
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- in order to... - You can always try other houses.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14But I really can give you all...
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Well, down there there's some old people and they're a bit...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20crazy in the head, like most old people are,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22so they'll buy anything.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25He was wrestling the giant spitting cobra.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Ah! You're not going to spit at me!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Help me! I'm blinded! Ahh!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31(GASPS)
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Or maybe you should maybe make some drinks
0:02:34 > 0:02:36and say, "Here, have a drink."
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Or just bake something, like cakes or cookies,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42and then say, "Would you like a cookie?"
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Maybe...
0:02:43 > 0:02:47"Get a free cookie if you buy my... the internet thing."
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It really would save money
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- throughout the year. - Well, we don't want to buy it...
0:02:51 > 0:02:52But it really is a good deal.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Look, I just think you need to get better at this job
0:02:56 > 0:03:01and, well, I'm fed up, so I'm going to go.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Karen, can you not tell strangers that I am on the toilet?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06But you were.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Yeah, OK, but tell them...tell them I'm busy, or something.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12But you weren't busy. You were just sitting there.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Only your bottom was busy.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17And there was no need to slam the door in her face like that.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21But she wouldn't listen. Like all grown-ups. They're idiots.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)
0:03:30 > 0:03:32(GROANS)
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Are you not going to answer that?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37It was the headmaster.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38That top looks nice.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40That's three you haven't answered since you got home.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Is it?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44No, that looks really, really nice.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46No, it won't do, will it?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I don't want my sister making one of her charity-shop jibes.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Rahh!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56(LAUGHS)
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Is Auntie Angela coming here, then?
0:03:57 > 0:04:02No. I've booked us in for dinner at that Italian place.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04A rather shrewd move on my part.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Neutral ground.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Less chance of anything untoward happening between Mum and Angela.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Like Mum kicking her up the arse again?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Well, that's hardly likely to happen twice,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16especially in a busy restaurant, in public.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Well, the wedding reception was in public.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)
0:04:20 > 0:04:23JAKE: Well, that could happen again.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25PETE: No, this place is always crowded. This time it will be fine.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28JAKE: Dad, you said that last time.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30But this time, Auntie Angela will be on her best behaviour
0:04:30 > 0:04:32because she'll be with her new bloke, Brick.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Oh, God, I bet he's a pillock.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36You know nothing about him.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39He's a therapist, he's American and his name's Brick.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Well...
0:04:41 > 0:04:42No, fair enough.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45He's got to have a fake tan and a ponytail.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47No, not both. No, that would be too obvious.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50(PETE AND JAKE CONTINUE DISCUSSION)
0:04:54 > 0:04:56So that's a quid on the ponytail
0:04:56 > 0:05:00and a quid that, at some point, he'll use the phrase "low self-esteem".
0:05:00 > 0:05:02OK. But I'm not letting you off bets any more.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- You lose, you pay. - OK.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05- OK. - You owe me from the bet
0:05:05 > 0:05:07about how many people would die in that episode of Casualty.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10You cheated. You saw the gas explosion on the trailer.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15What in God's name have you been doing?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Watering the plants. Mum said I could do it.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20(GROANS) How long have you been...?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Oh, my God, it looks like the Somme.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Go upstairs and change into your smart stuff.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Why did you let Ben loose in the garden with the hose?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33The big no-noes - Ben and water,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Ben and fire, Ben and depilatory cream.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I was wondering whether we should have bought Angela a wedding present.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Still, she didn't actually tell us that she was getting married....
0:05:47 > 0:05:48so...
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Who's Mimi?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Um...
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Only she wants to talk about the other night. She's confused.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Mimi...?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Are you confused, as well? Because she's texted you...
0:06:04 > 0:06:06seven times...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- in the last two days. - You've been looking at my texts?
0:06:09 > 0:06:14- Who...is...Mimi? - So if I can't hit him,
0:06:14 > 0:06:15how do I stop him...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Not now, Karen. - ...from stealing my sausage rolls?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- PETE: Eh? - She got into trouble
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- for hitting this boy at lunchtime. - Oh, you mustn't hit anyone.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Mrs Bassong said it was unladylike.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Well, she's never said Ben hitting anyone is "unmanlike".
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Look, you don't hit him, you go and tell a teacher.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- But he'll have licked it by then. - Then hit him in a ladylike way.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- No, that is just ridiculous. - Can I hit him or not?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- It's a simple question. - No!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41We'll get back to you on that. Now, off you go.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Because I need to know.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47So now you've had plenty of time to think of an answer.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52After Mikey's leaving do, we went on to this pub that does music
0:06:52 > 0:06:55and this Mimi was there
0:06:55 > 0:06:58and she came over...and we had a dance.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- A slow dance? - Well, slow-ish.
0:07:02 > 0:07:08A medium slow. More...Derek Underwood than Shane Warne.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Look, it was nothing. - Show me.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Sorry?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Show me how you danced with Mimi.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Don't be silly. It was just... - How did you hold her?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Look, don't be ridiculous! - Show me.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Well, I suppose if...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32JAKE: Oh, God, get a room.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Oh, Mum... - Jake, can you give us a few minutes?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36All right, then.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41(DOOR SHUTS)
0:07:41 > 0:07:43And this is what she got confused about, is it?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I think she gets confused...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48BEN: You know the sink plunger -
0:07:48 > 0:07:52do they make them 500 times bigger for really big sinks?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Why would you want one that big?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- So I could pick up a much bigger tortoise
0:07:55 > 0:07:59and I could go like that and I could use it a bit like a tortoise club.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- Wouldn't that be cool? - Yes, it would. Now, if you don't mind,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Daddy and I... - Ooh, I think I left the hose on.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06(BEN SHOUTS)
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- (DOOR SLAMS) - Look, we danced
0:08:09 > 0:08:12and at the end of the night, she kissed me
0:08:12 > 0:08:14and I think she may have got the wrong idea.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I'm very sorry, but I was very, very drunk,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19so I...
0:08:19 > 0:08:20I kissed her back a bit
0:08:20 > 0:08:24but, honestly, the state I was in, it could have been anyone.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27It could have been...
0:08:27 > 0:08:28anyone.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- I don't mean it could have been anyone. - Except me, presumably?!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I-I-I'm...I'm sorry but I...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36KAREN: Can I wear my bridesmaid's dress?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40No! So you got pissed and snogged a total stranger?
0:08:40 > 0:08:41She wasn't a total stranger.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43So who is she?
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Why don't we talk about this after the meal with Angela?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52She was the mum of a boy in Year 2.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Oh, God. It'll be all around the playground.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- No-one saw us. - Well, how do you know?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Were you alertly scanning the room when you shoved
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- your tongue down her throat(?) - Listen...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04It'll be just like when Beatrice's mum turned up at the nativity play
0:09:04 > 0:09:07and it all went quiet and everyone heard Mary say to Joseph,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"That's the one who sexed the plumber."
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Jesus, Pete!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12It's not like that at all.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13And what sort of name is Mimi, anyway?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Short for Mia.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19It is not short for Mia! It's bloody longer than bloody Mia!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You've just snogged a woman
0:09:21 > 0:09:24who's so stupid that she's shortened her name to something longer!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Shh! - Don't tell me to be quiet!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- (WHISPERS) Jake. - What?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- (WHISPERS) Jake. - Oh, God.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32(WHISPERS) Do you think he heard?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36You see what you've done?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39We can't pretend this hasn't happened. You're going to have to talk to him.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Am I? - (DOORBELL RINGS)
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Oh, who the hell is that? - KAREN: It's Auntie Angela!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Oh, God. Oh, blo...
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- ANGELA: Hi, Karen. Hello. - Do I look normal?
0:09:50 > 0:09:51- ANGELA: This is Brick. - Absolutely.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Look, with Angela, can you just...just control yourself?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59You want me to control myself after what you've just...
0:09:59 > 0:10:00- Hi! - Hello.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I thought we were meeting in the restaurant.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Yeah, well,
0:10:05 > 0:10:06- we were a bit early. - Brick.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Great to meet you at last, Sue. - Oh, hello.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Pete? Pete, how's it going?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- Hello. - This is Taylor Jean.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Say hi to everyone, honey. - Hi.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I didn't know you had a little girl, Brick.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- We have five kids. - (MOUTHS) Five?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Misty, Dune, Plymouth, and Mustang couldn't leave Phoenix right now.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28What? Is Phoenix the youngest?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31It's a place, Sue. Where we live
0:10:31 > 0:10:32with our five kids.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Oh, ah...r-right. - Did you buy your children?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- Buy them? - Yes, like, um...like Madonna?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Well, Madonna didn't actually buy her kids.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44But last time you were here, you didn't have any kids,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47so it's impossible to have five kids now
0:10:47 > 0:10:50and especially at your age.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Karen, that's rude. - No, no, it's fine.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54They're my kids, Karen, from a marriage
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I was in before. And now they're Angela's kids.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58But where's their mummy?
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- Taylor Jean, who's your mom? - Angela's my mom.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Hey, you've gotta be Jake. Hi, big guy.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- I like your ponytail. - Great.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13So that leaves the legend I crossed the Atlantic to meet.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15What I haven't heard about Ben!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Ben has actually had a very good year. Hasn't he, Pete?
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Yeah, he's been picked by the school as being exceptionally gifted at chess.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26- He's discovered his intellectual side. - Rahh!
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Hi, Ben.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29He's so muddy.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Whoa, cool! Hey, fella. I'm Brick.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Brick? - Yeah, Brick.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Is that a name? - Yes, it's a name.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39You mean Brick as in brick, the thing?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Ben! Ben, go and get changed..
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Go on. Then we can go around the corner
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- to the restaurant. - BEN: Brick?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- I think it's a great name. - BEN: What a weird name!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48What's it short for?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Well, what were you christened?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Brick. I was christened Brick.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Oh! Better still.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- So where is her real mum? - Karen!
0:11:58 > 0:11:59- Sorry about that. - It's fine.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00We've all got kids. We understand.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- BEN: So is Brick spelt like...? - So, which one is she?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I just want to know who they're talking about
0:12:06 > 0:12:08when they giggle and point at me.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12She's the one with the ginger boy who broke his foot last term.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Her? - Yeah.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Her?! - What?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19(EXHALES) Nothing.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23God, you must have been...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- That is...insulting! - Look, I didn't...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Look, I'm going to catch up to Angela and you're going to explain to your son
0:12:29 > 0:12:32why you kissed someone older and fatter than me.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- So how was school today, Ben? - Great. We had sex education.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Right. Did they show you a film, or something?
0:12:40 > 0:12:45No, Mrs Bradley asked us to shout out all the names we knew for men's bits.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Really?
0:12:46 > 0:12:51We got to 18 and then Mrs Bradley wasn't sure about "pink bazooka".
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- She said Ibrahim had made it up. - SUE: Hiya.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Which he had.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Jake!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Look, I think you may have heard something this morning
0:13:00 > 0:13:02you really shouldn't have heard.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I couldn't help hearing.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10OK, well, I want you to know that I hugely regret what I did.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Why? What did you do? I didn't hear that bit.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18OK, maybe we don't need to talk.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19No... No, Dad.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21ANGELA: So, you've put the house on the market?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Yeah, yeah. We just... we wanted an upgrade.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Everything good with you and Pete? - God, yes! Absolutely.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- Very good. - Great.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Terrific. Top notch. - Fantastic.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Listen, Sue, what you did to me at the wedding reception,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I just want you to know I've already forgotten it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Oh...great.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Shall we just turn over a new page?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Sue, I've turned over two new pages.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50In fact, I've turned over an entire novel.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53PETE: I didn't know this place had an upstairs.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56So, Dad, what is this? Are you having an affair?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58No! Shh!
0:13:58 > 0:14:04(QUIETLY) Listen, Jake, I need you to be really grown up about this.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I got very drunk and I kissed this woman.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Mimi?
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Yeah, that was...
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Hang on, I thought you said you didn't hear.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Yeah, well, I heard that bit. Is she the ginger kid's mum?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Only Warren's dad had a thing with her when I was in Year 6.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Oh, right.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Warren says she's only desperate cos she's lonely.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24She used to call him up all the time and cry down the phone.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Did she? - She used to sit outside his house
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- in her car. - Uh-huh.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30And she posted him lots of...
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Yeah, all right, thank you.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Hi, there.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Hi, Kelly.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I didn't know Kelly worked here. Did you?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Hello? Jake?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43OK, big fella, you sit there.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45TJ next to me.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Oh, no. No, this is no good. Kelly, um...
0:14:48 > 0:14:51we seem to be in a room on our own.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Yeah, we had a bit of an overspill, so we put you in here. Yeah, but we...
0:14:55 > 0:14:59we like eating where the action is. You know, amongst lots of people. Don't we?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- No, this is great. - And we are full downstairs.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Lovely(!)
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Come on, Hugh Grant. You come and sit across from me.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Let's start with a bottle of red, honey. Choose us something nice.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Actually, I don't think we'll be... - I'll have a Bloody Mary.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17BRICK: Oh, this is great, isn't it? This is just great.
0:15:17 > 0:15:23Jake, a quick reminder. Try looking at her face. Women like that.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26They're not so keen on being looked at like some slab of meat.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28That goes for you as well.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30(SPOON RINGS AGAINST GLASS)
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Now, guys, I just want to say a few words.
0:15:32 > 0:15:38Now, I don't need to be a therapist to see there's an elephant in this room.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40An elephant?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44A hidden source of tension between two people who love each other.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46But I like shooting elephants.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Now, we all know there's been history between these sisters.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54- Can we forget it? No, we can't. - You can't shoot elephants!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Can we acknowledge it? Yes, we can.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Can we move on? Yes, we can!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Why does he keep repeating, "Yes, we can"?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06...into a positive? Yes, we can. Of course we can.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Taylor Jean, can we be one big, loving family?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Yes, we can! - Yes, we can!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Why are we clapping? - Have we won something?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Thank you, Brick.
0:16:20 > 0:16:26Yes, thank you, Brick. That was, um...that was...special.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Hmm, that was...fantastic.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32So where is Taylor Jean's real mum?
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Karen, now's not the time.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Hey, it's cool, Sue. Kids need answers.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41And the answer, Karen, is that, sadly, there are some mothers so damaging
0:16:41 > 0:16:43that kids prosper best without them.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Brick was amazing. He wouldn't stop fighting for his kids.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - Wouldn't he?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It was you coming on board that clinched it with the judge.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Hello?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Taylor Jean's so much happier now she doesn't go to Tucson at weekends.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I'm so much happier.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Well, yes, Pete was naked,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02but he'd forgotten that Maisie was staying overnight.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06I'm sorry she's having trouble sleeping but...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Well, yes, he is quite hairy.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Well, at least it won't come as a shock to her in later life, will it?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14No, sorry.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Yeah.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Yeah, OK.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Bye.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Sue?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Please.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Another bottle of red, honey.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- BRICK: That's the one I took. - ANGELA: Yeah.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Here we all are at San Diego Zoo.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35In fact, it was Misty's giraffe poem that won us the trip.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Lovely!
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Didn't you used to think
0:17:38 > 0:17:40that children got in the way of being a free spirit?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43God, no! What spirits could be freer than the spirits of kids?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45There's such wonderful energy in a big family.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I know. It's great.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Well, yeah, I mean, you've got quite a big family, Sue,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54but when there's seven of you, believe me, that is a big family.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57So what should we all have for pudding?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Here we all are in Hawaii. - Angie's the most phenomenal mother.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Both interactively and as a role model. She just never stops giving.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06She's helped Misty overcome her food issues.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Is that Misty making the big splash in the swimming pool?
0:18:10 > 0:18:14That's Dune. Misty had issues with under-eating.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15The banoffee pie looks very tasty.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18In fact, Brick's ex put her under so much gastric stress,
0:18:18 > 0:18:19the poor child had to have so many tests...
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Did she have to have a camera put up her bottom?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Cos that's what happened to Dad.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28It turned out I have diverticular disease.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- Very mildly. - Quite mildly.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34It's a syndrome which is present in quite a few people his age.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35It's not a syndrome, it's a disease.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It's not a disease like leprosy, is it?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40No, no, but it is more serious than a syndrome.
0:18:40 > 0:18:4215 - tadger. 16 - dangler.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Ben. - 17 - pink bazooka.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Ben, fella, that behaviour's inappropriate.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I'm bored of that word.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55So when you replaced her real mum, what did you do with her real mum?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Karen, stop it. It's not... - But it's not fair!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59None of my questions get answered.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02And you still haven't got back to me about the hitting.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03- Hitting? - Well, yes.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07They said they'd talk to me about when I can hit this boy at school...
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Well, obviously you can't! We said that.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13No, you didn't. You said I could hit in a ladylike way.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16It's never right to hit. Not for children.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18KAREN: Then how am I supposed to stop someone
0:19:18 > 0:19:21from constantly stealing my sausage rolls?
0:19:21 > 0:19:25You get a court order, stopping them from coming within 50 miles.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Why don't you kids play a game of consequences, or something?
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Good idea, Hugh Grant.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I don't sound much like Hugh Grant.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41You do. You've got that charming "ooh, ahh, ooh" thing going on.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- No, I haven't. - You do. You're doing it now.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45It's charming.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47OK, Jake?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Jake, have I got something on my face?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Only you just sort of keep staring at it. And so does your dad.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54No, your face is great.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Well, it's OK. It's nicer than OK.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Right, right. Yeah, thanks.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I wish that guy with the ponytail would look at my face now and then.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Oh, I know. Some men just treat women like they're slabs of meat.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08That's a very mature observation.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09I'm quite mature, actually.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- I'd better... - Mm-hm.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19You should get Brick to do a session with Karen about hitting.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20- She doesn't need it. - You'd do that.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Sure, honey. They're family. - SUE: She's fine.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26He does this great game where they play hide-and-seek,
0:20:26 > 0:20:27only they have to find themselves.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Find themselves? - Yeah.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32That'd be easy. You'd just look down and there you are.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36No, Karen, sometimes you try and find something inside you
0:20:36 > 0:20:37that you didn't know was there.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Like...a tapeworm?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41No, not like that. It's like...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Or like a spoon that you swallowed by mistake or...
0:20:44 > 0:20:48No, it's... She's very literal, isn't she?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51See, we've all got dark places inside our heads.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Well, of course we have.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55It's entirely dark unless we put, like, a window,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57or we sawed the top of our head off.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Karen... - (WHISPERS) I think she can handle this.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01That wouldn't be very good, cos then we'd die eventually.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Well, it's like, if you were in a dark room
0:21:03 > 0:21:07and you put a plant in a dark room and it never had any sunlight
0:21:07 > 0:21:09and it would grow all twisted and tangled
0:21:09 > 0:21:10and it wouldn't be good.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- It wouldn't grow at all. It'd die. - It might grow a tiny bit.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Have you ever eaten a tadpole for a bet?
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Yes.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Have you ever...have you ever put fish food in your dad's tea?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Yeah.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Have you ever taken a seagull into a hotel bedroom?
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Have you ever run away from home and got as far as New Mexico?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Yeah.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32BRICK: I think you'll find that, actually,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35there are hidden feelings inside all of us we have to acknowledge.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Give these feelings a name.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38We need to say, "Bob..." -
0:21:38 > 0:21:42if, say, we called these feelings Bob, "...get back!"
0:21:42 > 0:21:48Why Bob, when you can call it anything, like Steve, or a girl's name, like Lucy?
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Why do you have to call it Bob?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Well, you could say, "Lucy, get..." It doesn't work for me. I have...
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Is this your job, to just say stuff like this?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Trust me, it's...it's a very useful...
0:22:00 > 0:22:05Well, I don't trust you, because you're just talking nonsense.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07If you'll just listen to me for two seconds.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09It's not something a child necessarily understands...
0:22:09 > 0:22:14But I-I-I do understand what you're saying.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16It's just it doesn't make any sense because...
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I'm not entirely sure your technique's going to work with Karen.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20She sure has a lot of defences.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Welcome to English repression.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I really think we should order some pudding.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29And some coffee, because we've had quite a lot of wine now.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- What does "repression" mean? - Ah, excuse me?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35It's what everyone in England does, Ben -
0:22:35 > 0:22:36don't let out the anger inside them.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- My mum lets out her anger. - Yeah, well...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- She kicked you up the... - Ben!
0:22:40 > 0:22:41And she let out lots of anger
0:22:41 > 0:22:44when she found out that Daddy had kissed a woman which isn't her...
0:22:49 > 0:22:54I'll...just give you a couple more minutes to decide.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56You did what?!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- How did you know about that? - I heard you and Dad talking.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02You made promises at your wedding!
0:23:02 > 0:23:03There's no need to tell everyone about it.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07OK. OK, everybody calm down.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11It was just a stupid incident that happened.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13And Pete is not having an affair, if that's what you're thinking.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14BRICK: Stuff happens.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18We're animals dressed up in clothes, pretending not to be animals.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Sometimes we forget to pretend.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26Look, "stuff" has not happened and I think that we should all move on.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30And I, for one, am moving to the ladies.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35- I'll just go and see if she's OK. - No, Angela, I don't think that's...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37a very good idea.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Sue, I am so sorry.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Well, there's nothing to be sorry about. We're fine, really. Totally.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Listen, Brick is a great therapist.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- You should get him to talk to Pete. - What about?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Well, he's a licensed sex-addiction therapist.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Pete? A sex addict?!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57He could help you both if you'll only let him in.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00You've got to think about what this could do to the kids.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01The kids?!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Last year, you were saying that kids turn you into a zombie.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06This year you're Maria von bloody Trapp!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09You'll make plenty of mistakes with Brick's children.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I doubt I'll ever leave one of them behind on a Scottish island.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I thought Pete had him, OK?
0:24:14 > 0:24:19Look... (SIGHS) ...let's just stop this before we...
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I was merely expressing surprise
0:24:23 > 0:24:26that you've suddenly discovered children are so wonderful.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I found out they weren't all like yours.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31- Ah, you have no bullets! - Oh!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36So, Hugh Grant,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I thought you were one of these pussy-whipped English guys.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- I'm sorry? - (MIMICS) I'm sorry?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45You don't have to be sorry. We're men.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48As men, we are evolutionarily hard-wired
0:24:48 > 0:24:52to nail as many women as we can.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54You'll get better at it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57(WHISPERS) And then you won't get caught.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59What?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Everything OK? - Yep.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03So where's Angela? She's...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Still in the toilet.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Right. But you haven't...
0:25:07 > 0:25:09So, any decisions about pudding?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11(SIGHS) Why don't we just skip pudding and get the bill?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I'll get that, honey.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17No, that's kind, but let's split it.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18- Everything all right? - Yes.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- That's me. - No, I said let's split it.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22You're on teacher's wages. I'll pay, Prof.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I'd really rather you didn't.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Ooh, ouch. Some low self-esteem issues here.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29That's for you, good-looking.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Don't play the therapist with me. - Pete.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Pete's one of those guys who thinks charlatans become psychotherapists.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Yeah, and Serbian war criminals. - Pete!
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Whoa, Hugh Grant!
0:25:38 > 0:25:42And if you call me Hugh Grant one more time,
0:25:42 > 0:25:44I'm going to take your Platinum Visa card
0:25:44 > 0:25:48and I'm going to shove it right up your...
0:25:48 > 0:25:52(GIGGLES)
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- I want my mom! - Oh, it's all right, sweetie.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56No, I want my real mom!
0:25:57 > 0:26:01I'll...pop back in a tick.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08We need help fast! There's a triceratops having a heart attack.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- If Mum and Dad had a divorce... - Yeah!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13...who would you live with?
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Dunno.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I mean, Maisie, well, she lives with her mum,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19and if she sees her dad coming,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22then they have to press a button which goes straight to the police.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Does it fire rockets at him?
0:26:24 > 0:26:25I've got Ben's bin.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32Paper, paper, plastic...
0:26:32 > 0:26:35God knows, but I don't like the look of it.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Are these Ben's pants? - Put them in the compost.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Well, I didn't think the meal would end up like that -
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Angela holding Brick back and shouting, "He's not worth it!"
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I told you all that stuff he said about women.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Well, you're a well-known champion of women's rights.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I keep thinking about those poor children.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Poor fat Dune, poor thin Misty,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01poor scary Taylor Jean...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Ah, there are the car keys.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Auntie Angela's his third wife. - What?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Mm-hm. His second one's in a clinical facility in Tucson.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Well, who told you that?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Taylor Jean. Brick doesn't allow her mum's name to be spoken in the house.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Oh, poor Angela.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17God help her.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21KAREN: It'd be really hard to choose,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24because if you chose Dad, then you'd really miss Mum,
0:27:24 > 0:27:28and if you chose Mum, then you'd really miss Dad, so...
0:27:28 > 0:27:32If they do get a divorce, you'd have to choose.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Listen, I just want you to know
0:27:33 > 0:27:37that your dad and me, we're absolutely fine
0:27:37 > 0:27:39and we're going to stay together
0:27:39 > 0:27:41and so there's no need for you to worry about anything.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- Isn't that right, Pete? - Yes!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Absolutely.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Now, go and clean your teeth, you two,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51and we'll come up and kiss you good night.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53(THUNDER RUMBLES)
0:27:55 > 0:27:58You just did that to make them feel better, didn't you?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00No, Jake, I didn't.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02I mean, did you see that lot today?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05It made me grateful for what I've got.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06I love your dad,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10and if he's done something wrong, then it might take me a few days,
0:28:10 > 0:28:11but I'll forgive him.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16So why don't you go and get ready for bed, too?
0:28:18 > 0:28:22- Ah! You owe me a quid, Dad. - For the ponytail? I paid you.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23No, for the "low self-esteem".
0:28:23 > 0:28:25He got in a couple just before he asked you to step outside.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Did you Google him?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Come on, Dad,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32there's not many therapists in Phoenix called Brick Bollinger.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34"I specialise in low self-esteem issues."
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Well, that's not fair.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38You know, the gas explosion in Casualty wasn't fair, Dad.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Don't mess with the Googling generation.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Thank you for that, just now.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- For the forgiveness. - You didn't believe me, did you?
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media