0:00:02 > 0:00:05SUE: So I told Darren's mum. I said, "Listen, your son is three years older than Karen
0:00:05 > 0:00:08"and clearly he's been taking advantage of her playing swopsies,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11"and I think that he should give those cards back to her."
0:00:11 > 0:00:12And do you know what she said?
0:00:12 > 0:00:15She said he didn't have to give the cards back,
0:00:15 > 0:00:20because it was a swopsies no refund. But I said, "Ah, ah, now,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23"Karen said that she had called time-out."
0:00:23 > 0:00:26And she said that Karen hadn't locked the time-out.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29I mean, how ridiculous is that?
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Since when do you have to lock a time-out on a no-refund swopsies?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I know! I know, it's madness.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39All me and Ibrahim were doing
0:00:39 > 0:00:44were re-enacting the running of the bulls at Pamplona.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46And quite a lot of the girls got trampled, didn't they?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48It was only a pretend trample.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50We didn't actually step on them.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53That's not what the school said, or I wouldn't have had a letter, would I?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57We just knocked them on the floor, cos we were like bulls and we were charging with our horns.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Well, did you help them up?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01No, cos we're bulls. We don't have hands.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04So I said, "Your boy's got to give those cards back to Karen."
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And she said he'd give them back over her dead body.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09So I said, "Well, that can be arranged."
0:01:09 > 0:01:10And do you know what she said?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13She said technically she could go to the police,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15because that was a form of assault.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Yeah.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Yeah! Stupid cow!
0:01:20 > 0:01:25Look, Ben, just write the note saying sorry like Mrs Bassong said.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28And I'll make 17 photocopies.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Take that stupid mask off!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Mum seems pretty fired up at the moment.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Yeah.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I haven't seen her this angry
0:01:39 > 0:01:41since she looked at that satellite photo of our house on Google Earth
0:01:41 > 0:01:44and spotted Ben on the roof.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Yeah, well...
0:01:45 > 0:01:46It's your fault Mummy's cross
0:01:46 > 0:01:50for getting drunk and kissing another woman which wasn't Mummy.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Yeah, can we just drop the...?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53And you broke your wedding promises.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Well... - You made lots of promises,
0:01:55 > 0:02:00and I'm pretty sure one of them was not kissing other women.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Well, kissing wasn't specifically...
0:02:02 > 0:02:04The vicar's going to be furious.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Yeah, well, he doesn't know about it, does he?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Well, no, not yet.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Well, you don't know who the vicar was.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12I can find out.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Look, Karen, you've got to get ready for your concert. Off you go.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18There. Happy now?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21That's good.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26I mean, "I am sorry, OK?" followed by lots of exclamation marks
0:02:26 > 0:02:29is not the most gracious of apologies, but that's good.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32You've got to learn that you are responsible for your own actions.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33But am I?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Well...yes, you are.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Most of what I am, I get from my genes, right?
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Which is you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44And the rest of what I am I get from my environment.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Which is you.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50So, whichever way you look at it, everything I do is down to you.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- No, that's not... - Including all the naughty bits.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54He's got a point there.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56No, Jake, he has not got a point there.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58KAREN: Is Daddy coming to my concert?
0:02:58 > 0:02:59No, Daddy's got to stay here,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02because he didn't organise a baby-sitter like he promised.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I'm 13! We don't need a baby-sitter.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Well, legally you do. You're supposed to have a grown-up with you.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Or failing that, your father.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Look, Sue, obviously I know that I'm to blame.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I just think it's important for the children
0:03:18 > 0:03:23that we can resolve our disputes in a calm and measured way.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Did you fancy her?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26What?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Did you...fancy her?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Look, you know what it's like when you're that drunk.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Your body waves your brain goodbye
0:03:35 > 0:03:39and your body is a lot less fussy than your brain.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43So in that brain-free moment, yeah, probably, I suppose I did fancy her.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46But then, I fancied every woman in that room.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52You fancied every woman in the room?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56No. No, that came out wrong.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58What...what I meant to s...
0:04:00 > 0:04:03You tosser, Pete!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08So, are you allowed to break promises if you're drunk?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Well, I don't...
0:04:10 > 0:04:12For instance, could Maisie's dad say to the judge,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15"I'm sorry I came within a mile of Maisie's house,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17"but I'd had a lot of beer"?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19No. No, I don't think he could. No.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Was the first time you kissed Mummy...were you drunk?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Yes. Yes, I was. But not...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28But then, say...
0:04:28 > 0:04:29I was drunk the first time I kissed her,
0:04:29 > 0:04:33but then...later I wasn't drunk at all
0:04:33 > 0:04:35and I...fell in love with her.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39But then that might happen with the other person that you kissed.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43No, because that really was a mistake, Karen. That's not...
0:04:43 > 0:04:46But if that was a mistake, then everything could be a mistake,
0:04:46 > 0:04:51and then, in the end, you'd have loads and loads of wives and girlfriends.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53BEN: What's this?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55It's the news, Ben.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- What's that? - It's about rising sea levels.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00See? That's why we shouldn't move.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01It'd be really cool,
0:05:01 > 0:05:05cos in, like, 15 to 20 years' time, we'd have a riverside property,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08and I'd be able to sit in my bedroom and fish
0:05:08 > 0:05:10and I'd be able to get stuff out
0:05:10 > 0:05:13like barracudas and piranhas and sharks.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14I'm just trying to watch this.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17And I'd get much longer hair and a really long, straggly beard
0:05:17 > 0:05:19and I'd talk to a pineapple.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Why's that man wearing a dress?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25It's not a dress, and it's the Pope.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27It's his robe.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30That can't be the Pope, because the Pope wears barbed-wire pants
0:05:30 > 0:05:34and kills anybody who knows that Jesus had children.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37That was a film. You weren't supposed to watch it anyway.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40The Pope may look nice, but he drives around in big, black limousines
0:05:40 > 0:05:41and he knows kung fu.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45And then there's the Pope's really, really cool mates,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48who are, like, albino monks who have shotguns and snipers
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and they are assassins.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53When you're drunk, do you see pink elephants?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54No.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Dumbo did.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Yeah, well, he's a cartoon elephant.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Alcohol probably affects him differently.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Look, you're still not ready for your concert. Off you go.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04BEN: Exactly! Exactly!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06So he wears barbed-wire pants and he kills...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I'm sure he actually doesn't.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Yes, he does. You can see he's wearing them.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Otherwise, why would he have that expression on his face?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Don't be stupid.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Who's that other bloke wearing a dress?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19It's the Prime Minister of Germany. Um...Angela someone or other.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Who's that woman with the black thing over her head?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It's the burka, Ben. She wears it cos she's a Muslim...
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Can boys wear 'em?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Because it'd be cool at school, cos you could text under there...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Not listening, Ben.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35You could change your pants, and nobody would know.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37No-one's listening, Ben.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39And you could watch Star Wars episodes on a portable DVD player.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42And the teacher wouldn't notice. And you could be on the laptop.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I'd love a burka.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Oh, God! What the hell is that?! Oh!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It's just a special kind of kiss. A French kiss. That's all.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I'm never going to France if they do that there.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56What the hell is wrong with them? Is he a vampire?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59No, he obviously just likes her quite a bit.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01The only reason I came in here was to watch the TV.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Well, this is what's on TV,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04and if you don't like it, cos you're gay, go away.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08We've got a hundred... I'm not gay! We've got a hundred channels!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11JAKE: If you don't want to watch it, go and watch something else.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12I'm watching this. You can...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- ARGUING CONTINUES - Listen, Sue...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Let's just drop it, shall we?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- OK.- Just answer me this.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20I thought we were dropping it.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23When you were snogging that woman, what were you thinking?
0:07:23 > 0:07:24I've told you, I was drunk.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27No, I mean literally - what were you thinking?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I think this is a bit of a blind alley.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Do you? I don't. I happen to think it's a very important alley.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34While you were playing tongue hockey
0:07:34 > 0:07:36with a woman who was, at best, a passing acquaintance,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39what exactly were you feeling?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I don't know. I-I-I suppose I was flattered.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Flattered?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Well, you know, flattered that she wanted me.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47You must have been giving off a signal.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49That is total...! ...Hello, darling.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52All right?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Well, actually, no. I'm nervous about the concert.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Oh, don't be nervous, sweetheart. You'll be fine.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00I hate playing the triangle,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02because I've got this note at the end,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04and it goes "ting!" all on my own
0:08:04 > 0:08:07and if I forget it, then it will never end,
0:08:07 > 0:08:11and that's a big responsibility.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Yeah, well, you'll be all right. And do you know why?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Because you are a star.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19So go get ready, star. Go on.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Good girl.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27I was not giving a signal, OK? I was drunk!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Have you heard of something called self-control?
0:08:30 > 0:08:31I was drunk!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I've seen you do appalling things when you're drunk.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35That's not relevant.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40I have seen you flash your breasts at a minibus full of nuns.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, not that again. I was on medication.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I've seen you try to ride Highland cattle.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Pogo into a canal!- I was a student.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Heckle Stephen Hawking.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Yes, but you've never seen me get off with someone else, have you?
0:08:55 > 0:08:56I was not getting off with...
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Do you know what really hacks me off, Pete? I'll tell you.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02It's all those times when a man has come on to me,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04and I've thought, "No, I'm married."
0:09:04 > 0:09:06All those opportunities that I've let pass,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09because I take my marriage seriously.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Has that happened a lot, then?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Yeah. Hell of a lot.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18More times than I can remember.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23In fact, only last week the man from the garage made a pass at me.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25What man at the garage?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28That young, good-looking one from Cyprus.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Costa? He's gay.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Yeah, well, you didn't see the look he gave me
0:09:33 > 0:09:36when he asked me if I wanted a full service.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Oh, this is ridiculous! - Then there's your mate, Clive.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Clive?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43What, my best man, Clive?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Yeah. He made a pass at me at your 40th birthday.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48And I was drunk.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50And do you know what? I wish I had followed him into the shed now.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS - Well...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55BEN: Has anyone got anything I could use as a grappling hook?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Oh, no. His Bear Grylls game.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I do not want him scaling the north face of the bedroom cupboard again.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Come on, Karen, we're going to be late.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10God, she's only sent me a bloody e-mail.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Ben, not the Bear Grylls game.
0:10:14 > 0:10:20"Subject - The Rules of Swopsies." Page one of four?!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23PETE: Ben!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Well, that first one's rubbish, for a start.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Silly bitch.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Ben, can you hear me?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Can you help me with my 1,000-piece Sahara jigsaw puzzle?
0:10:32 > 0:10:341,000-piece?
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Well, it's just you keep promising to and then you never do.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Well, he shouldn't keep disappointing you, darling,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42but at least you haven't had 20 years of it.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- DOOR SLAMS - BEN: Avalanche!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- CRASH - God.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55This makes me the first man
0:10:55 > 0:10:57to climb Everest...
0:10:57 > 0:11:01backwards...without oxygen...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03or even a jumper.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- What are you watching? - It's Michael McIntyre.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Why have you got the sound off?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16It's Michael McIntyre.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I'm just waiting for the news to come on.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20PHONE RINGS
0:11:20 > 0:11:24PETE: Oh, is that...? Where...? I hate these phones!
0:11:24 > 0:11:28They're like nomads, they're just...
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Hello? Oh, hi.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31It's your mate, Clive, Dad.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Oh, yes.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35My mate, Clive.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Well, do you want to speak to him, then?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38No, I don't think so.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Should I tell him you'll call him back?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43No.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Well, shall I tell him you're busy?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Yeah. Tell him I'm in the shed.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Hello, Clive?
0:11:55 > 0:12:00Yeah, sorry, he's busy at the moment. He's, um...he's in the shed.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05All right, then. CAR ALARM BLARES
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Bloody thing!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12DOG BARKS
0:12:15 > 0:12:17CAR ALARM CONTINUES
0:12:21 > 0:12:23CAR BEEPS, ALARM STOPS
0:12:25 > 0:12:26CAR ALARM BLARES
0:12:30 > 0:12:31CAR BEEPS, ALARM STOPS
0:12:34 > 0:12:36CAR ALARM BLARES
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- And as I have no saw... - PHONE RINGS
0:12:43 > 0:12:45...I have no other choice
0:12:45 > 0:12:49than to bite off my frostbitten toes.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51GRUNTS
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Oh!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- LAUGHS - That's fun!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56CAR ALARM CONTINUES
0:13:00 > 0:13:02CAR ALARM STOPS
0:13:05 > 0:13:07There you are.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Look, Dad, that was Mum on the phone, and she says you've got to keep calm.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- Keep calm? - She said, "Tell Dad he's got to keep calm and not to panic,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- "because everything's going be OK." - If everything's going to be OK, why do I need to keep calm?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Karen's been knocked down.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Oh, my God!- It's OK, Dad.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Seriously. Karen's OK.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Mum's at the hospital with her now,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30and you can't ring her, because she's in the hospital
0:13:30 > 0:13:33and she's not allowed to use her mobile in the hospital,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36but she says everything's OK, don't worry, stay calm
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- and she'll ring in a little bit. - Yeah, but she's been...she's been...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42She said the main thing was to stay calm.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Yeah, I get that bit, Jake!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I'm sorry, Jake. I didn't mean to snap.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Mum said Karen's OK and she wouldn't have said that if it wasn't true.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53- But...- Don't worry.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55What's going on?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59It's, um...it's Karen. She's had a bit of an accident.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- But she's...she's OK apparently. - Has she gone down to the hospital?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05- Yes.- Yeah.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08The same hospital that I always get taken to?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Yeah.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12The one with the nurse who says I should have a loyalty card?
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Yes. You did put the handset back on the cradle, didn't you?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Yes, Dad. But you go and have a sit down, and I'll get you a cup of tea.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27So Karen's definitely OK, then?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Yeah, that's what Mum says, although it is all a bit vague at the moment.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Have you got anything we can use as a dead camel?
0:14:34 > 0:14:35What?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Only I need something to use as a dead camel,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40so I can hollow out its insides where its guts used to be,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42climb in and protect myself
0:14:42 > 0:14:44from the freezing cold winds of the desert night.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- DOORBELL RINGS - Not now, Ben, please.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- I've only just cleared up the avalanche.- JAKE: I'll get it!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50It was snow loosened by the morning sun.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53It was furniture loosened by you with a long piece of...
0:14:53 > 0:14:56MAN'S VOICE
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Hang on.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Well, yeah.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Hello! It's me, about the speed bumps.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06It's OK, I'm dealing with this.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Oh, yes, the, er...speed bumps.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Do you think possibly you could call back?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Would you like to have a look at my artist's impression
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Of what these monstrosities would actually look like?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Not really, no.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Right. OK.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Um, so can we assume your support?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27It's just I'm not entirely clear as to your exact position.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28My exact position?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Ah, yes, well, let me see.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I would say, um...
0:15:34 > 0:15:37that given that my child is currently in the hospital,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40having been hit by a speeding car...
0:15:40 > 0:15:42You don't actually know that, Dad.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44..I would say, on balance,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47um, that my exact position
0:15:47 > 0:15:49is that in order to slow down all the, um...
0:15:49 > 0:15:54shrivel-cocked Jeremy Clarkson wannabes, such as your good self,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57who seem to feel that any speed restriction
0:15:57 > 0:16:00is an abuse of their basic human right to drive like a pillock,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- I would be in favour of speed bumps. - Dad...
0:16:04 > 0:16:07And, as a further traffic-calming measure,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I'd also be in favour of rocket-propelled grenades...
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- Dad...- ..targeted to disappear...
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Dad...
0:16:12 > 0:16:14..up their stupid, complacent little arses!
0:16:17 > 0:16:21There. Is that entirely clear?
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Thank you very much for dropping by.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33SIRENS WAIL
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- PETE: Sue!- Oh, hi.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- What are you doing here? - Waiting at home was getting to me.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- How is she?- She's fine.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43She's in there. They're going to send her home soon.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46It's just a few...small cuts and bruises,
0:16:46 > 0:16:47and they're giving her a tetanus jab.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Shouldn't you be in there with her?- Oh, no.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- No, she forbade it.- Oh.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Right.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Are you OK?- Yeah, I'm fine.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Who's looking after the boys?- Kelly.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03What, Kelly Kelly?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05As in beautiful, sexy,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Jake's-completely-obsessed-with-her Kelly?
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Yeah. No-one else was around.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12So what...what happened? I mean, what speed was the car doing?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Oh, I don't know. 20?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16One second she was by my side,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19the next thing she's running off out into the road.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23The cliche's bang-on. Everything goes into slow motion.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26And you just stand there, helpless.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Watching. Waiting.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32And the worst thing is knowing it was my fault.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- It wasn't your fault.- It was.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37That was a busy road. I should have had hold of her hand.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40It was stupid. I got distracted. I was...
0:17:41 > 0:17:43You were what?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I was arguing with Darren's mum...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50about the swopsies thing.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Oh, well, we all make mistakes. Don't we, eh?
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Do you remember that time
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I challenged Jake to that race down Box Hill?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07It's a lot steeper than it looks.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10It's amazing he only broke his collarbone, really,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13when you think about how many cartwheels he did...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15till hitting that sheep slowed him down.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17And then there was that time
0:18:17 > 0:18:20that Ben decided to spend a day being a rat,
0:18:20 > 0:18:24and I failed to notice him chewing through those wires.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29He flew right across the room.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- He quite enjoyed that.- Yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36KELLY: OK, boys, what shall we watch? Any movies on?
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Let's have a look.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Kelly, can I ask you a question?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44No, you can't, Ben. You should have been in bed ages ago.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- Did you know that sometimes...- Ben!
0:18:46 > 0:18:52..when men and women kiss, they put their tongues in each other's mouths?
0:18:52 > 0:18:56I'm so sorry, Kelly. He's just very, very immature.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Kelly, you know when you're waitressing at that shop
0:18:58 > 0:19:01where you're a waitress in,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04well, when somebody's rude to you or they annoy you,
0:19:04 > 0:19:05do you gob in their food?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Oh, for...- I gob in everyone's food.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09GIGGLES
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Anyway, Ben, Kelly's only waitressing temporarily.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13She's doing her PhD. She's a psychologist.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Is that right?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I'm doing a PhD in psychology, yeah.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20What's psychology? Is it the study of psychos?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Ah, well, we study...everybody.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Including psychos?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Um...yeah.- Ben, that's enough.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I really do think you should just go up...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31So who's the most psycho psycho you've ever studied?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Have you ever had any cannibal serial killers?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Well, cannibal serial killers isn't really my area of expertise.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I specialise in child psychology.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You know, how children think and behave.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45How they think?
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Yeah.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50But you can't tell for sure what they're thinking.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55I mean, for instance, you can't tell what I'm thinking right now, can you?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- No.- Right.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01But I could make an educated guess based on the things you say,
0:20:01 > 0:20:05and you'd be amazed how easily you can tell what someone's thinking
0:20:05 > 0:20:08from their body language. Especially their hands.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- GASPS - Drag Me To Hell.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14On, no, it's a 15.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16You can't watch that, can you, Ben?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18No, but neither can Jake. He's 13.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I thought you said you were 16.
0:20:21 > 0:20:27No, I said I'd be 16...eventually.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Just in a year or...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32or three.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36And then there was the time
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I took Karen out on that Lilo... in Herne Bay. Do you remember that?
0:20:40 > 0:20:45Yeah. Yeah, that coastguard was very humourless, wasn't he?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49All that stuff about the cost of helicopters.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53So what I'm saying is don't worry yourself about the accident,
0:20:53 > 0:20:58because I've nearly killed the kids loads more times than you have.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Cheers, love.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03And as a psychologist...
0:21:03 > 0:21:06could you steal my memory,
0:21:06 > 0:21:07download it into a computer
0:21:07 > 0:21:10then upload it into a gorilla,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13so that the gorilla thought it was me and then he turned up at my school
0:21:13 > 0:21:15and made Miss Halliday take another month off school
0:21:15 > 0:21:17because of her nerves?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Could you do that? Could you implant my memory into a gorilla?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23No. I think you're confusing me with a mad scientist.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Will anybody ever be able to do that?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I don't think so. I mean, we still don't even know what memory is...
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Also, by definition, memory's a very subjective and ambivalent concept.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Why do you keep on speaking like that?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I mean, does memory really exist?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Personally, I think it's just a story we tell ourselves.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- Yeah, I think that as well. - OK, here's another question for you.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Not another one. It's way past your bedtime.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Just one! - It'll just be another stupid one.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51If our personality is made up from our genes and our environment,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54then are we really to blame for what we do?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Well, that's a brilliant question, actually, Ben.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Quite a few neuroscientists are starting to question
0:22:00 > 0:22:02whether there is such a thing as free will.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06And if that's true, people can't really be blamed for their actions.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Right. Could you write that down for my dad?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13So are you sure you don't want your mum to come in and sit with you?
0:22:13 > 0:22:17I'm sure. She's being really annoying at the moment.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22Saying, "Oh, Karen, I'm so sorry. Oh, I blame myself."
0:22:22 > 0:22:24It's doing my head in.
0:22:24 > 0:22:30She's been all over the place since Daddy kissed that woman on the lips.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- Right.- Do you know my brother, Ben?
0:22:36 > 0:22:37He comes to this hospital a lot.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41- Does he have curly hair?- Yes.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Managed to get a sprout stuck up each nostril?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Yep, that's him.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Now, then, Karen, this jab is just to protect you
0:22:49 > 0:22:52against a nasty little germ called tetanus.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- Will it hurt? - Just a tiny little bit.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56And not for long.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59"Just a tiny little bit and not for long."
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Yeah.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03"Just a tiny little bit and not for long."
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Are you OK?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Yes, I'm just trying to remember exactly what you said.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Right.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16For the last time, Ben, Kelly is a psychologist, studying psychology.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19So she does not know who would win a fight
0:23:19 > 0:23:22between a vampire and a gorilla who thinks he's a schoolboy.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23KELLY: No, it's OK. Let me think.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27So the gorilla who thinks he's a schoolboy versus a vampire?
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Yeah.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30And does the gorilla have anyone else with him?
0:23:30 > 0:23:36The gorilla could have kind of a... a dinosaur who has the mind of a pig.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- LAUGHS - Really? A dinosaur with the mind of a pig?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- What if...- OK, that's enough, Ben.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42It's way past your bedtime.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- I can't go to bed.- Why not?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- I'm worried about my little sister. - No, you're not!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Yes, I am. I'm very anxious. Look at my body language.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Oh, come on, that is pathetic. You're obviously not worried about her.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Yes, I am.- KELLY: OK, OK.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Ben, Jake's right. You need to go to bed so I don't get in trouble.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- One final question.- But...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Please?- All right, then.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Can you wrestle?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You'll be fine with this, a brave little girl like you.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10How do you know I'm brave?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Well, you got knocked down by a car and you didn't make a fuss about it.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Actually, I did. I screamed.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Well, I think that you're brave.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20But you have no way of knowing that I'm brave.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Yeah, all right. Fair enough.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Now, this'll hurt a little bit.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Before you said it would hurt a tiny little bit.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32Did I? Well, a tiny bit. Yes, this will hurt a tiny bit.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36But what if you say that it will hurt a tiny bit and it hurts a lot?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38What will happen then?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Sorry, what do you mean?
0:24:40 > 0:24:45If you say it will hurt a tiny bit and it hurts a lot,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47who do I talk to?
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Who do you talk to?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Yes. You must have a system.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Well, we don't need any system, because it's all going to be fine.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00But the man on Watchdog says always complain to the most senior official
0:25:00 > 0:25:04and keep a written log of your conversation.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Does he?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Well, we don't need to worry about any of that,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10because this will all be fine.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12All right?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14(OK.)
0:25:15 > 0:25:18"Just a tiny little bit and not for long."
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- BEN: Rarr!- KELLY: Ah! - LAUGHS
0:25:24 > 0:25:26KELLY: Rarr!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29The winner of Rage In A Cage is me!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Whoo!- Yup, you win.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- Now it's Jake's turn.- What?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Jake's turn to wrestle Kelly.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37No. I'm not wrestling Kelly.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Yeah, I think that's enough wrestling.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41- Come on, wrestle her. - No. Shut up, Ben.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- Does Kelly scare you? - No, Kelly does not scare me.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- # Jake's scared of Kelly! # - No...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Yes, you are. Wrestle her, then. - Shut up, Ben!
0:25:48 > 0:25:49- Boys!- Wrestle her, then.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Wrestle her!- KELLY: Calm down!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54For God's sake, Ben, I do not want to kiss Kelly!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- LAUGHS - I said wrestle.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Right.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Okey-dokey.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Well, um, it's getting late.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Perhaps you should both be, um, heading to bed.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Yeah, I think that's probably best.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22CAR ALARM WAILS
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Is that our car alarm?- Yep.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Listen, Sue...
0:26:32 > 0:26:38I am really, from the bottom of my heart,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41deeply, deeply, sincerely sorry...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46..about the kiss.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51What kiss?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- EXHALES - Thank you.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Something like this happens,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00you realise that the things you thought were important
0:27:00 > 0:27:01just don't matter.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03It's just two drunks having a kiss.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06It happens every second all over the world
0:27:06 > 0:27:10and counts for nothing against a lifetime together, does it?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Hmm?- No, that's right.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16But do it again, and I'll rip your balls off.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Understood.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Oh, there she is!
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Oh, you gave us such a fright.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Hang on, I've got to check all your arms and legs are there.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29- Was she all right with the injection? - No, she was fine.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34She's a very confident little girl, isn't she?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Yes. Yes, she is.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Very interested in the law.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I know. Sorry about that.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45When I get home, I want to do my 1,000-piece Sahara jigsaw puzzle.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Like, you and me do it together.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49OK.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53When she did the injection, it felt bruisey.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- Is that supposed to happen?- Yes.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Yes, that's supposed to happen.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- Now, if you'll excuse me. Bye-bye, Karen.- Bye!
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Right, missy. Home it is.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08That was a big adventure. Still, I'm glad my little girl's OK.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Come on. CAR ALARM CONTINUES
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Daddy, you know the man who knocked me over?
0:28:13 > 0:28:14- Yeah.- Was he Albanian?
0:28:14 > 0:28:16No, Karen, he wasn't Albanian.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19And Albanians aren't responsible for everything that you...
0:28:19 > 0:28:21How long will he be going to jail for?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23He's not going to go to jail, darling.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Oh, so we're just going to sue him?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27No, we're...Karen, just let it go.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Oh, no, but, Mummy, you must never do that.