0:00:02 > 0:00:06Come on, Dad! This is like Usain Bolt racing against a dead tortoise!
0:00:06 > 0:00:09For the last time, moving your legs doesn't make you go faster!
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Stop putting me off.- Yes! New world record!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Well, it's not an actual world record, is it?
0:00:15 > 0:00:16I can't be coming last.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19You're forgetting to watch the stamina bar, Dad.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- This Nunchuk clearly isn't working. - He said Nunchuk.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27He said he'd never say the word Nunchuk cos he said it was "stupid, made-up technodrivel."
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Dad, I know it's hard for you now you're slower than us
0:00:30 > 0:00:32in the real world as well as the virtual world.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36How many nuns could a Nunchuk chuck if a Nunchuk could chuck nuns?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Well, yes, you have finished the homework,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42I'm just not sure about some of the choices you've made.
0:00:42 > 0:00:49I mean, "Martin Luther King sexed lots of women who were not his wife".
0:00:49 > 0:00:54- It said that on the internet. - Yeah, I just wonder whether you shouldn't mention
0:00:54 > 0:00:55some of the other things he did.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59- Well, I decided to do mostly the women.- Well, I'm just...
0:00:59 > 0:01:03I'm just wondering about the second part where you're meant
0:01:03 > 0:01:05to write your own Martin Luther King speech.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09- I did it.- Yes, "I have a dream" - good start -
0:01:09 > 0:01:13"that one day I'll stop going out to make speeches all the time
0:01:13 > 0:01:18"and spend time with my children like grown-ups are supposed to."
0:01:20 > 0:01:25- Is this about me, Karen? - No, it's about Martin Luther King.
0:01:25 > 0:01:30- Dad, stop doing the feet! - Another world record... YES!
0:01:30 > 0:01:36- Ben!- Oops...- You have got to wear the safety cord around your wrist.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41- You very nearly broke the telly. How many times have I told you? - I don't know, 12?
0:01:41 > 0:01:46- Right. You are disqualified.- Why? - Disqualified for not wearing the safety cord.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- You're last.- Dad, you're last.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- No, I'm seventh.- You're not disqualifying me cos I didn't wear the...
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Right, another race. This time, I'm not being Princess Peach.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Listen, Karen, I hate having to work full-time,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01but since what happened to Dad...
0:02:01 > 0:02:05It's a mum's duty to pick up her children from school.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07But most women have to work!
0:02:07 > 0:02:12See? You're getting aggressive. That's what happens to women
0:02:12 > 0:02:15that work like men - they start turning into men.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20They get hair on their chest and then smash up town centres.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25- Look, Karen, you want to have a career when you grow up, don't you? - Yes, I want lots of careers.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29That's great, and you can, because thousands of women fought for the right.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33And whilst they were fighting, who was picking up their children from school?
0:02:33 > 0:02:38- Well... wha... Why can't men do that?- Because they're useless.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40They forget your book folder.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Oh, you're just being silly now, Karen.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46See? You're getting aggressive. You'll get hairy.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Yes, I win again!
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Why are you doing the feet?
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- Will you just... - Look, Dad, you're in with a chance of coming seventh. Oh, no.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Epic fail.- Which one's you? The one on the ground wheezing?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03You're only better than me because you play this all the time.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05See, it's just...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- Jake, I'm talking. That is rude! - No, it's not!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- Yes, it is, isn't it, Sue?- Hm?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Oh!
0:03:13 > 0:03:17It is rude to text when someone is talking.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Well, yeah, but it's only you.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26It might be someone selling something. I like those.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- Go!- Cheat! I hadn't even picked up the remote.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- It's Gran!- OK.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Pete, it's your mum. - You're putting me off.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36- Hi, Sandra.- Hello, Sue.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- Why's he moving his feet? - Cup of tea?- Yes, please.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- I'm overtaking you, you're going to lose this one.- We'd better stop,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- your gran's here. - But...that's not fair.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52It's his hand-eye co-ordination. He was the same with conkers.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55What was that nickname the other boys had for you?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58We weren't expecting you, Mum. Is there a problem?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Oh, I just wanted a little chat about Bob's funeral tomorrow.
0:04:01 > 0:04:07- Oh, hello, Ben. How's big school? I hear you got mugged.- Yeah.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Did they take much?- Yeah.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14- Has it happened to other children in your class?- Yeah, most of them.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- And the gym teacher. They stole his hockey stick.- It's ridiculous.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20What do the police say?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22They say, "Hand over your things without a fight."
0:04:22 > 0:04:26They should get really small policemen and disguise them
0:04:26 > 0:04:27as school children.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- Good thought.- And give them mobile phones with tracking devices.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36- Brilliant.- With the germs of the bubonic plague in them
0:04:36 > 0:04:38so that the muggers will catch it
0:04:38 > 0:04:45and they'll get big boils that pop and burst and go all icky.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49And then all their family will catch it and then they'll be wiped out.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Right. Well...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54And they'll use the tracking devices
0:04:54 > 0:04:57to go round picking up all the dead bodies.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01She's really thought this through, hasn't she?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Karen, come on. Go off and finish your reading homework.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Cack-hands! That was the nickname.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- What's all this about the funeral, then?- Well...
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Your Uncle Victor was doing the eulogy
0:05:13 > 0:05:19but he got all excited about his new hip so he went parascending yesterday and broke the other one.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Anyway, the family all had a chat and we thought it would be best
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- if you did the eulogy for Bob. - But, I'm only Bob's nephew. What about, erm... Alice?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- With her stammer? - Tom?- It's at midday, he'll be drunk.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- Cousin Justin?- It's at midday.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- OK. Hang on, why can't you... - I lack the warmth thing.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Look, it's not a problem, Victor's already written the eulogy,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43all you have to do is read it out.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I told them you could manage that.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47OK.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49What about Rufus?
0:05:49 > 0:05:54His Tourette's is getting worse. His wedding was embarrassing enough.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57You'd think he could get through "I do".
0:05:57 > 0:06:01So, Peter, what's this about you messing up at work?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- I need to watch the news for PSHE. - But you watched it yesterday.
0:06:05 > 0:06:10Yes, it changes every day. That's why it's called the news, tosspiece.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13No, it doesn't change every day, tosspiece.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I mean, there are always people standing in front of Parliament
0:06:16 > 0:06:20and it's always raining and there's always an Irish woman in Africa,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22there's always someone ducking and...
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- And they are different people! - Well, how do you know?
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- Cos I listen to the words rather than just looking at the pictures.- Who's that?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- It's Prince Andrew. - Oh, he sells guns.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37No, he doesn't SELL guns, he just... hangs out with people who sell guns.
0:06:37 > 0:06:43- I wonder if he's a hitman like his father?- For the last time, Ben, Prince Philip is not a hit man.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- Every royal family are a mafia family.- No, they're not a mafia,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48they're the Royal Family.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52it was a perfectly straightforward situation...
0:06:58 > 0:07:02A junior member of my department was being utterly unprofessional
0:07:02 > 0:07:07so I told the head that it was the other teacher or me.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And, obviously, knowing that to lose me,
0:07:10 > 0:07:16the senior member of staff, would be insane, I offered my resignation.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Which he accepted.- Yes. - By text.- Yes.- That evening.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Look, it was an insane decision.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25But surely you can still back down and withdraw your resignation.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30- What, grovel? It was a matter of principle, wasn't it, Sue?- Well...
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Yes...
0:07:31 > 0:07:36- But I suppose technically you could still...- Look, I found supply work all last week, didn't I?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Yes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42And actually, intellectually, it is very liberating
0:07:42 > 0:07:46facing the challenge of a class with very few English-speaking pupils.
0:07:46 > 0:07:52And we got a lot done, once I'd improvised a sort of partition
0:07:52 > 0:07:56down the middle of the classroom between the Ethiopians and the Eritreans.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01It's history in action. I'm seeing a whole new side to life.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- TV:- The pound fell against the euro and the dollar...
0:08:04 > 0:08:07The pound - it's always going up or down.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11We should go back to the olden days where we used livestock for money,
0:08:11 > 0:08:15like sheep or chickens. All the other countries have a coin and we have a chicken.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- What happens when you would like to buy a chicken? - You buy one with chickens.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- How much is one worth in chickens?- People don't sell...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24How do you get change from a chicken?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Eggs.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30So, Sue, would you still have gone full-time if Peter hadn't gone and burnt his bridges?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Well...
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Mum, this eulogy for Bob, it doesn't mention Bernard.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Well, I think Uncle Victor thought it would create too many ripples.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45There's some in the family haven't come to terms with Bob's gay phase.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50"Phase"? Bob and Bernard have been together for the last 14 years.
0:08:50 > 0:08:55Look, Peter, I'm perfectly at home with... gaiety.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57But we've got to think of Dorothy.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00It's a shock finding your husband prefers men.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04She took it very personally, him coming out in Sainsbury's like that.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- But Bernard'll be really upset if he's ignored.- Oh, he's used to that.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11The family have ignored him for years.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15I can't do a eulogy for Bob that doesn't mention Bernard.
0:09:15 > 0:09:21- Well, it's up to you, but if I was you, I...- Hang on, what about Hettie? She could do the eulogy.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26Hettie - who went round telling everyone Bob was diabolically possessed?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30All right, I'd forgotten about the whole exorcism thing.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Ben! You don't make cheese on toast in the toaster.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- Yeah, but it's called cheese on toast.- Yes, but...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- What if I turn it on its side?- No!
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- OK, I'll put it in the microwave.- Look, no!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Just walk away, I'll make you some.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I'd like to come to Uncle Bob's funeral, if that's all right.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Well, yeah, of course, if you want to.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59If you'd like to pay your respects, I think that would be nice.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Ben's out by the dustbins with the glow in the dark paint again.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Ben! Leave those snails alone!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- He can't hear you.- I'll text him.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14What has he done here?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Pete, I just happened to be talking to Denzil, you know,
0:10:17 > 0:10:21from your old school, about the quiz night,
0:10:21 > 0:10:25and he mentioned that they haven't actually replaced you yet.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27You just "happened" to speak to Denzil,
0:10:27 > 0:10:32who you never speak to, about the quiz night that we never go to.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Well, I just thought you'd like to know that if you wanted to, you could still...
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- You want me to go back and grovel to the headmaster.- Of course not!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Absolutely not, no.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Though, of course, you would only be grovelling outwardly.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Inwardly, the real Pete... - Oh, for God's sake!
0:10:50 > 0:10:57- Is this Ben's "Will slugs survive global warming?" experiment?- No, it's yesterday's burnt fish fingers...
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- I've been working, Ok? - If Jake's going to the funeral then I want to go too.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I liked Uncle Bob as well.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Ben, it's not a party, it's a religious service.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11You know how bored you got when Gran took you to church.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Yeah, but the juice and cookies bit was good.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Wine and wafers.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19And you shouldn't have gone up for that bit anyway.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24- Oh, you're so gay. - Ben! I've told you about using the word gay in that way.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28and, apart from anything else, Uncle Bob and Uncle Bernard were gay.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33- Were they?- Yes.- What, both of them? - Yes.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I liked him. Uncle Bob taught me how to dive.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Yeah, I just wish he'd mentioned you're only supposed to do it into water, but...
0:11:40 > 0:11:44I really want to say goodbye to him. If Jake can pay his respects,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47why aren't my respects worth as much as his?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Jane said that she took Alexa to her gran's funeral
0:11:51 > 0:11:54and she said it really helped.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Yes. Yes, seeing as you're being so grown up about it. Yes.- Yay!
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- Do I get to see the dead body? - No!
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Nyah.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I'm going to a funeral, Jake!
0:12:04 > 0:12:09- What?! How come you can go and I can't? That's not fair!- >
0:12:09 > 0:12:11She's too young to go, isn't she?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- No-one is going to stop me...- > - Absolutely. No, she's too young.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19- If anyone tries to tell me I can't go I'll go absolutely nuts!- >
0:12:19 > 0:12:21DOOR SLAMS
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Mind you... nine.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33You've come down to play Wii at four o'clock in the morning?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35No.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39No, I couldn't sleep, I came down here to rewrite the eulogy a bit.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And, as it happens, now I'm on a break,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47which happens to be on the Wii.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- I could hear you swearing from upstairs.- I came third.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55I can't decide whether to call Bernard a "partner"
0:12:55 > 0:12:57or a "companion".
0:12:59 > 0:13:05- What's this you've crossed out? "Boyfriend".- That was a first draft.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08What do you think of flat mate? I mean, it's technically correct.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Lodger?- Toy boy? Joke.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14But no, you're right to mention him.
0:13:14 > 0:13:22Um... See, I was thinking, um, if you didn't mind taking the children to the funeral,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24then I could really get cracking on Ben's room.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28You'll be gone eight hours, I reckon, and I could really make a good start.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Sue... Sue... I know what you're thinking.- Well, what if... if?
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Listen, it is not going to happen to you twice.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37If you say so.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Come on, let's get some sleep.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Oh, have a look outside.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Ben's glow-in-the-dark snails actually look rather cool.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Oh, yeah.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Is this fruit bread mouldy?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55That's not even fruit bread, bung it in the compost.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- Any better? - I don't know how I did it.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Well, I wonder if it's the three hours you spent playing on the Wii.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Will anybody cry at Uncle Bob's funeral?- It's possible,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09but the important thing to remember about this funeral, Karen,
0:14:09 > 0:14:14- is that it's not a sad day.- Well, it is for Uncle Bob.- Well, yeah,
0:14:14 > 0:14:21- but it's a celebration of his life. - Surely he should've done that before he died.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24That would've been better cos then he would've been able to come.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I think he would've liked that much more.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Look, why don't we, um, take you through the day,
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- what happens at a funeral? - I know what happens at a funeral.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39They put the coffin in the ground and the men fire guns at it.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- Well..- And then...- Well, shoot over it.- the Pope asks...- The Pope?!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46..if anybody has a good reason why the person shouldn't go to heaven.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And no-one ever says anything.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51As I say, why don't we take you through...
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- I went to a cremation once. - No, you've never been to a...
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Yeah, but I was really tiny and there was this bouncy castle.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- And a magician.- What?!
0:15:01 > 0:15:06And I remember this body that was going round and round on this pole over a fire.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08That was a hog roast.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Anyway, it's going to be very different today.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16There'll be songs and prayers, and then the vicar and,
0:15:16 > 0:15:22and me will talk about some memories we have of Uncle Bob.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27And then eventually the coffin goes behind a curtain so it can be cremated.
0:15:27 > 0:15:32Which is the bit that can be a bit scary. But it is mostly symbolic.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Just as long as Uncle Bob's body isn't really in there.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- No, it is in there.- What?!
0:15:38 > 0:15:42What if he's not really dead yet?!
0:15:42 > 0:15:49- Well, they check really carefully. - But I hear stories on the news all the time about doctors that
0:15:49 > 0:15:52think people are dead and then
0:15:52 > 0:15:56they're in their coffin and they sit up and ask where their dinner is.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00In Victorian times they had a bell they'd give to dead people
0:16:00 > 0:16:04so they could ring it in their coffin if they weren't dead.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- That's sensible. - Maybe they've done that. Anyway...
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Well, have they or haven't they?- Karen!
0:16:09 > 0:16:14What we need, to check if he's alive or not, is some sort of emergency device.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19- You're going to get...- If he woke up and was like "Oh, my God, I'm in a coffin, I'll die, there's no food!"
0:16:19 > 0:16:23and he got all claustrophobic there could be a button saying, erm, Ejector Coffin.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24An ejector coffin?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28So if he pressed it the coffin would shoot out of the ground and land...
0:16:28 > 0:16:34- Well, how would...?- But then, er, what if it hits someone?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- Then they'd be dead and he'd be alive... Or you could get a trained badger.- Ben!
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- We're not going to need any of this. - ..Tap the badger, and then the badger.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46Ben, I swear he won't need a bell or...a badger.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- What about an armadillo?- Or an ejector coffin, because he's...
0:16:51 > 0:16:54..no more. And that's sad.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58But we're past the sad bit and today is a celebration -
0:16:58 > 0:17:02a happy celebration - of his life.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- OK?- OK.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Thanks for all your help there. - You were doing such a good job,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I just thought I'd let you roll.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I'm going to stick with this.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20"Not forgetting the 14 happy years
0:17:20 > 0:17:22"he spent with his loving partner, Bernard."
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- Can we take some cookies with us? - Karen!
0:17:26 > 0:17:27What are you wearing?!
0:17:27 > 0:17:28A dress.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Well, it's... It's just that it's a bit bright for a funeral.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34But it's a happy day! He said so.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Yes, it's a happy day where people usually wear black.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40But black's not a happy colour.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Black's the colour of beetles and school shoes
0:17:43 > 0:17:47and Miss Barrington's enormous eyebrows.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50It's usually seen as a sign of respect to wear black at a funeral.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- But...- And Aunty Dorothy - his,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56sort of, widow - she's quite traditional.
0:17:56 > 0:18:02But Uncle Bob said he liked this dress. He said, "Karen, that's a very nice dress."
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- You could wear that cool black top from Bella's pirate party. - No, she can't.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11- That's quite smart.- It's got a skull and crossbones on the back. - I'm wearing this dress.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14She can't wear that dress. It's a funeral - it's meant to be sad.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18With a strong element of celebration.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Celebration in black.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22H-Happy black. Celebration...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Oh, Sue...are you all right?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28No, it's OK. I've not been crying -
0:18:28 > 0:18:32I've just got some of the Deep Heat I was rubbing in to Pete's neck in my eye.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I'd better go and...
0:18:41 > 0:18:45So, have you gone back to the headmaster about your job?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Hello, Mum, how are you?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49No, I haven't.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52You made a mistake there.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I tried to teach you when you were young - no-one's indispensable.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59You did. I remember you telling me that when you had my rabbit put down.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01You haven't changed it, have you?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I'm just going to say,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"Not forgetting the 14 happy years
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"he spent with his loving partner, Bernard."
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Are you?
0:19:10 > 0:19:15Only Tom was just saying he hopes no-one brings up anything that demeans a solemn occasion.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Was he?- I think that's what he said. It was a bit slurred.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Oh, great(!)
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- And once I've said, "Hello, Peter," I'll introduce you.- OK.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Is that the eulogy?- Er, yeah. I didn't actually write it, so if...
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Actually, I've rewritten it a little...- Yes. How long is it?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- How long?- Two minutes, three minutes?
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- Er, well, maybe four minutes. - Ooh, three minutes would be better.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46We're a bit behind.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I'm sorry, Peter, but these days it's like everything else -
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- sell 'em cheap, stack 'em high. - Right.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54The last lot were nearly ten minutes over!
0:19:54 > 0:19:58The guy giving the eulogy kept sobbing, so it really spread.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Well, I'll try not to show any emotion.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05Oh, and the organist made a right pig's ear of Lady Gaga's Let's Dance.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08He was used to the usual version,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11but they insisted on some Colby O'Donis remix.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Anyway, not to worry. If you start running over,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- I'll give you the red light. - The red light?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Three flicks. On and off.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23But if you could cut a few lines, that'd be great.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Dorothy.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Don't worry - you'll be fine.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36It's not going to happen to you today.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38God, you're small.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Was Uncle Bob always gay?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Even when he was married?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Well, yes, I think so.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48The house was always full of Judy Garland records.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49That's a bit homophobic!
0:20:49 > 0:20:53What? Saying that a gay man is more interested in a certain type of music,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56or more interested in clothes? That's not homophobic.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58That's just...true.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Yeah, Mum's right. - You know nothing about it!
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- Jeremy Clarkson wears cool clothes and he's gay.- Jeremy Clarkson is not gay, you idiot.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Yeah, he is. He lives with two men.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Yeah, on TV. That's on TV. He has...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Oh, that's enough, boys. Come on. We'd better go in.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Hey, Uncle Bernard! - Oh, hello, you two...
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- (Pretty dress, Karen.)- See!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I always liked Uncle Bob.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Whenever I asked, he'd always show me his extra toe.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Yes, I liked that about him, too.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- Look, Mum, if you don't think about it, it won't happen.- Thanks a lot.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38And now you've made me think about it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40God, it is like the Spanish Inquisition.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- Everyone keeps asking if I've added anything to this.- Well, I dunno.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Maybe you shouldn't.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47What?!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49But you said I...
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Where we all may settle down in the care of our lord.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03And now Peter is going to continue our celebration
0:22:03 > 0:22:06by sharing some memories of Bob with us.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17So, what can you say about Bob?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26And he always stayed close to his brothers, Tom and Victor,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29and, of course, his sister, Sandra.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35They were close -
0:22:35 > 0:22:40not only in the friendship they enjoyed, but also geographically.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44In fact, Bob joked that he could never get away from them
0:22:44 > 0:22:47because wherever he moved, they followed.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Of course, what brought him to Woking...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55SUE SNORTS ..was meeting Dorothy...
0:22:59 > 0:23:06..who was not only a wife, but a friend for the dozen successful years they lived there.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09They say all good things have to come to an end...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11SHE GIGGLES
0:23:12 > 0:23:17..but that time was an incredibly important part of Bob's life...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20SHE SWALLOWS A GIGGLE
0:23:20 > 0:23:24..not forgetting the 14 happy years Bob spent...
0:23:25 > 0:23:26..with his...
0:23:26 > 0:23:28With his...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32With his memories,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36after his amicable separation from Dorothy.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39SHE SQUEAKS
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Anyhow, this isn't a mournful gay.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Day. SHE GIGGLES
0:23:50 > 0:23:54It's a day to celebrate and to...
0:23:54 > 0:23:55SHE CHUCKLES
0:23:57 > 0:23:59It's... It's a...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01It's a form of grief. It's, er...
0:24:01 > 0:24:02SUSAN LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:24:02 > 0:24:05She isn't actually finding it funny.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07It's a nervous...thing.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11It happened at her mother's funeral.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Anyhow, that's, er... That's about it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I'd just like to mention some of the other people who were important to Bob.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Er...
0:24:25 > 0:24:30Hettie, James, Justin and Vera.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33And Bob's loving partner, Bernard.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Thank you, Peter.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Lovely tribute.
0:24:37 > 0:24:42And next we're going to the song today.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45A song that Bob chose himself.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48A song made famous by Judy Garland.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Somewhere Over The Rainbow.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- SONG PLAYS ON ORGAN - See!
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Er...he is definitely dead in there, isn't he?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I don't call that much of a celebration, Mum.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12You were the only one that seemed happy.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Yes.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17That wasn't quite what I was aiming for.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22Well, don't worry. Most people's abiding memory will be of Rufus's Tourette's during the final blessing.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- I-I'm so sorry.- Don't worry.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Grief affects people in weird ways.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I'm REALLY sorry... I just...
0:25:31 > 0:25:35I just don't think I've ever really got over Mum, and...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37it just seemed to stir up lots... PETE!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Hmm?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Oh, sorry, I'm just texting Denzil to see if I've been replaced.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Look, I know you hate working full-time, so, if you want...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I'll go and see the head,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52eat humble pie and see if there's any chance of getting my job back.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56No, sod it, life's too short.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59And I'm glad you mentioned Bernard.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Do you know, so am I.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03All this "poor Dorothy" stuff.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05She was enough to turn anyone gay.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08No, Peter. Well done.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I'm proud of you.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Bloody hell! Grief really does affect people in weird ways.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Ben, there is no life after death.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- This is how I think it works.- Ben... - If you live a bad life,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22like, er... Like Hitler did,
0:26:22 > 0:26:27then you could come back as a crappy thing like a wasp.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- But then...- A wasp?! - ..if Hitler was a good wasp,
0:26:30 > 0:26:34then he could come back as the Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:26:34 > 0:26:39So, the Archbishop of Canterbury used to be a wasp?
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- And before that he was Hitler? - No! It's an example.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- Well, examples to... - He could've been an alien!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Oh, no!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Karen's talking to Uncle Tom again.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- I know he's a bit hammered, but does it matter?- Yes.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57She's got inside his head about Bob still being alive in the coffin.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- How can anyone be a good wasp? - You know -
0:27:02 > 0:27:04doing good wasp things.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- Not stinging people, er, being nice to the Queen...- What are you...
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Being nice to other wasps. Erm, yeah!
0:27:12 > 0:27:17Well, you've probably been killed loads of times in your past life, cos you never shut up.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Good try.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24Under four minutes. We'd have finished on time if it hadn't been for that giggling fit.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Well, she couldn't help herself.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32I thought it was nice that you mentioned Bernard.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Oh, thank you.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- So, did you know Bob and Bernard? - Yes, I did.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39In fact, I knew Bob in Woking before he met Bernard.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Oh, so are you a friend of Dorothy?
0:27:43 > 0:27:44..and Bob.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Bob and Dorothy as a... As a couple.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Thank you very much for a lovely service. I've got to, er...
0:27:51 > 0:27:52mingle.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Oh, hi, Bernard.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Did you, um...
0:28:06 > 0:28:07like how I mentioned you?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09I wish you hadn't.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12I specifically asked Victor not to.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I prefer to stay out of the limelight.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24CHEERING ON GAMES CONSOLE
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Yes! First place! GAME BLEEPS
0:28:27 > 0:28:28New world record!
0:28:28 > 0:28:29SMASHING
0:28:30 > 0:28:33DOGS BARK
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd