0:00:02 > 0:00:04- No, it isn't. - But it really is! I'm telling you.
0:00:04 > 0:00:09And I am telling you that Top Gear is not a children's programme.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Of course it is, they blow up caravans!
0:00:11 > 0:00:14- That's a kids thing. - It's not a children's show.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18- They have children's presenters. - They swear and no-one swears on children's shows.
0:00:18 > 0:00:19They do on Wife Swap.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- Wife Swap isn't a children's programme either.- Oh, come on!
0:00:22 > 0:00:23No, Ben, it's not.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26I mean, what do you actually recommend I watch?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28What about Horrible Histories?
0:00:28 > 0:00:29That's not horrible at all.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Embarrassing Bodies is horrible.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36- Yeah, but...- That had this bloke with, like, a weird shrivelly horn
0:00:36 > 0:00:37coming out the back of his head.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39They had to amputate it.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- It's disgusting. - I'd like a horn on my head.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Not a unicorn horn, but like devil horns
0:00:45 > 0:00:48or ram horns where they curl round.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Or big twizzley ones.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51When did you watch Embarrassing Bodies?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55The other night. It was on just after America's Top Serial Killers.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Why were you watching America's Top Serial Killers?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Because it's interesting. And why isn't it for kids?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Because it's about serial killing!
0:01:03 > 0:01:07You're going to turn in to a serial killer, potentially.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10So everyone who watched that show will become a murderer?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12At your age you're easily influenced.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I'm not going to be influenced by some guy who killed people
0:01:15 > 0:01:18because of their star sign. I find it quite stupid.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20If I was going to kill someone I'd just kill them.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Oh, good. Listen, it's...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25What the hell has happened
0:01:25 > 0:01:27in this toilet?
0:01:27 > 0:01:32It's like a urine...tsunami.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Firstly, it'd be nice if once in a while
0:01:36 > 0:01:39one of the males in the household could actually use
0:01:39 > 0:01:42the toilet as the toilet. Secondly...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Well, that won't be me, I sit down nowadays.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh, no!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48It's blocked with paper!
0:01:48 > 0:01:53There is a plunger in here specifically for...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Hang on, where's it gone?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- You should go and help her.- What?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Unblocking the toilet is something
0:02:00 > 0:02:04your man should do to keep the marriage fresh.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Karen, go and get dressed, please.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Yeah, very funny.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12I said, get dressed.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Karen, you are doing my head in.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18I've had a very difficult week doing all the supply teaching and I am knackered.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Well, I'm knackered,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Doctor, there is no escape.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- Exterminate!- I've had an extremely hard week at school.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Yesterday, I got kicked out of afterschool club,
0:02:29 > 0:02:33which is entirely unfair.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Maybe if you hadn't told your teacher she's got a moustache.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Well, she has. I thought maybe she hadn't noticed it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42You deliberately got yourself thrown out
0:02:42 > 0:02:45so you could get back at Mum for working full time.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46I've had a difficult week.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I got given four detentions. That's a lot.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Well, it is in one day, yeah.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52The boys have nicknamed me 'Legend'.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Yeah, look, it's nothing to be proud of.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Karen! Will you get your hands out of my food?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00All right, all right, calm down. There's no need to be so touchy.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- I just want to... - It's not our fault you got fired.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- I did not get fired. - Well, do you have your job?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- Well, no.- Well, then that's getting fired, isn't it?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- Dad, didn't get fired, he "resigned on principle".- Thank you, Ben.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18What does that mean?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Well, resigning on principle is where you quit,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24rather than do something that you believe is wrong.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28So, if I didn't believe in my Mum
0:03:28 > 0:03:32abandoning me in afterschool club, I could resign, could I?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36No, no, no, no. That's something completely different.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Oh, Jake! I asked you to set off the dishwasher.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And you were supposed to wash this pan, Ben.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I washed it!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Pete, you could have supervised.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Well, it's important they learn to do it themselves, isn't it?
0:03:50 > 0:03:552011 and still Mum gets to do everything. So much for feminism.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Mr Spackman says feminism was doomed from the start.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Mr Spackman?- Yeah, Biology teacher.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08He says it's evolution and that women are homemakers because it's hardwired into their DNA.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13Mr Spackman? Oh, yes, I remember.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16The sad, bald, middle aged, bachelor
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- with dried egg on his tie and terrible BO.- This is clean.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21How clean does something have to be?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Clean clean! Come on, boys, you need to know
0:04:24 > 0:04:27how to do all this stuff for later on in your life.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30You might not get to marry a woman as gullible as me.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35You need to be self sufficient, you need to be independent, you don't want to end up like your...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Mr Spackman.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Pete, could I have a quick word, please, now? Thank you so much.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Reckon she's got PMT.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Yeah.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51What is PMT?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Close the door.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02You know I said I thought that Jake was up to something? Well, there's been a development.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Yesterday, he bought a new jacket.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Hang on, I'll ring CNN. - Thursday, he didn't have any money.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Suddenly, hey presto, new jacket! Something's going on.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18This cleanliness obsession of hers is very bad for our health
0:05:18 > 0:05:22because it means I won't get into contact with enough germs
0:05:22 > 0:05:25which means my immune system will collapse,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28which means, basically, she could give us AIDS.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Look, why don't you just ask him about the new jacket?- I tried.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- Oh, right.- Jokily.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39I said, "So, did you steal the money to buy the jacket?", jokily.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Right.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45So, now you have a go, but steer clear of the jokey stuff because he doesn't like that.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Jake! Dishwasher!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Oh? Yeah, it's broken, it won't start.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57You haven't hit the on button.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Right, that's it,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I'm giving you boys a crash course in household skills.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Let's start with the ironing.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08This is an iron.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Now, the first thing
0:06:10 > 0:06:13you have to remember is to take special care because it's dangerous.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17This is an electrical appliance it gets very hot.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Actually, let's start with cooking.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Dad?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Yes?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31When you were fired, did people gang up on you?
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- We've been through this, I wasn't fired...- Yeah, but did they gang up on you?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Yeah, well, a bit, maybe.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Has someone been ganging up on you?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well, yes, because
0:06:42 > 0:06:48Molly said that Megan said that I was talking to Maisie
0:06:48 > 0:06:52about Katrina saying bad things about Katherine to Stacey.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- Right.- Which isn't true, because I didn't say anything to Maisie.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00She's just making it up to make me look bad to Molly.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03And Megan told Tanya, because she wants to be
0:07:03 > 0:07:05friends with Tanya and Molly
0:07:05 > 0:07:11and then they're all on Megan's side, which isn't right.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Do you get what I'm saying?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15So you're cross with...
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- Megan?- No! Weren't you listening?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- You take one egg. - This is ridiculous.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25You can't spend your whole life eating crisps.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Well, you can, actually, but you will die of scurvy.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32And this pan, it still isn't clean enough.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Any cleaner than that and we are definitely getting AIDS.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36What?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39And then Katrina told Megan that she was a pig
0:07:39 > 0:07:41and Megan told Miss, but, then,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Katrina told everyone it was my fault
0:07:43 > 0:07:46because of what I said to Maisie.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48But I didn't even say anything to Maisie.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51So, now Tanya's telling everyone not to be my friend because
0:07:51 > 0:07:56I can't keep a secret, which is really, really, really unfair on me.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00No, you're right, sweetheart. But, you see,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03girls your age...
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Have you heard the word 'clique'?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- No.- No, well a clique is like a little
0:08:08 > 0:08:12private gang, but the cliques keep on changing,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16so the best thing is not to let it bother you.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20You've just got to ignore it,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22OK?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Do boys have cliques?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- No, boys don't form cliques, they're too busy punching each other.- Oh.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36So these are our ingredients.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39We don't need this lesson, in cooking or cleaning
0:08:39 > 0:08:41because, let's face it, it's easy stuff.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Easy?- Yeah. - Well, it can't be that easy,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47neither of you have managed it.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49It's not difficult at all, Mum.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51You just make it seem difficult because when
0:08:51 > 0:08:53you do it you make a big song and dance about it.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Jake, that's not...- Come on, Dad, I've heard you say that.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I've no idea what he means by that.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- He's, erm... He's...- Karen!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Get your shoes on, we're going out! - Yay!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- What?- Well, there's no point hanging round
0:09:10 > 0:09:12when there's so much male competence at hand.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Karen and I are going to have a girl's day out.
0:09:14 > 0:09:21We'll be back about 5.30pm, ready to eat a nice hot meal cooked in clean,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24salmonella free pans
0:09:24 > 0:09:28in a lovely clean house with no urine scented floors
0:09:28 > 0:09:31and a hall that doesn't resemble war torn Baghdad.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36Shouldn't take you more than 20 minutes, provided you don't make a song and dance about it.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Pete, you're in charge. Bye, boys!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Well, played.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49We haven't done much mother daughter stuff recently, have we?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53So, we could go to the park or the zoo, whatever.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Whatever you want to do, that's what we'll do.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'd like to go to the shopping centre.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Shopping centre?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Why on Earth do you want to go to the shopping centre?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- To hang out. - Right, and what does that involve?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Hanging out. Bit of shopping, bit of...- Come on, Karen!
0:10:10 > 0:10:11We could go to Richmond Park.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14We could see if we could have a ride on the horses.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17So, when you said we could go anywhere I wanted
0:10:17 > 0:10:20that was just another Mummy promise, was it?
0:10:27 > 0:10:32- This is nice.- Yeah, lovely.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35We could do this every Sunday, couldn't we?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38You can put the meat in, but I'm the chef.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Of course you are. You've got the hat.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- I've always fancied being a chef. can I swear?- No.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Can I tell everyone they're useless? - No.- But I can use knives?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51I think I'd better supervise everything involving knives,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53hot liquids or flames.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Now, we need to do some vegetables.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00No, we don't. I'm a chef that thinks vegetables are a cliche.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Well, we need something green. - I can make a gargantuan salad.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Salad, that is an excellent idea, no flames.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Now, next on the list is the Hoovering.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Shotgun the Hoovering!
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- I can do that. I can do the laundry, as well.- Really?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Oh, OK. So, Jake you do
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- the decluttering in the hall, urine removal...- Bloody hell.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Hey, that is not the attitude, OK?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Failure is not an option.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28We are representing the male of the species here,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30so no negativity,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33no losing focus and no ringing your Mum for help.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Ben, stop sniffing the gas.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37So, what's it to be? Some art stuff?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40DVDs? Some books, some toys?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Some shoes.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Shoes? But you've got shoes.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Yes, but a woman can never have too many shoes.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- That's what Tanya says. - Ah, Tanya, eh?- Yeah,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54she goes shoe shopping every weekend.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Last weekend she went with Molly and Maisie and Megan
0:11:58 > 0:12:01and they all bought shoes. Tanya's mum took them.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Well, good for her.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Hi there, just asking for one minute of your time to beat heart disease?
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- Beating heart disease sounds quite hard.- Well, yes, it is...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13So, it's going to take more than a minute of my time, isn't it?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- Karen.- Because first I need to become a heart doctor
0:12:16 > 0:12:20and that's going to take at least five weeks.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Hey, Mum? Do we have any panko?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Panko?- Yeah, panko.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27What's it for?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I'm preparing dinner.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Does it involve flames?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32No, I'm making a big salad.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Have we got any yam paste?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37No, I...
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Japanese sweet rice wine, preferably organic?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- No.- Sumac?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- No.- Porcini?- No.- Pancetta?- No.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- Pecorino sardo?- No.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- Cream frashay?- Creme fraiche?- Yeah.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52No.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53The Welsh man that does the news
0:12:53 > 0:12:56always says it's the fat people that get heart...
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Can I speak to your Mum?- ...disease.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04You should go in to the pub and tell the fat people that when their
0:13:04 > 0:13:06hearts explode
0:13:06 > 0:13:10it'll be your doctors that put a nice fresh healthy,
0:13:10 > 0:13:14like, baboon's heart in there for them.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Baby ruby chard?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18We haven't even got any adult ruby chard.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Frangelico?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- No.- Udon noodles?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24You're using the Nigella cookbook, aren't you?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Yeah. How did you know that?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Don't bother, no-one knows what any of that stuff is.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Also, you should bring a
0:13:32 > 0:13:34patient with you that has heart disease...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- I don't...- ...with tubes
0:13:36 > 0:13:39coming out of them and looking all pale and blue
0:13:39 > 0:13:42and their eyes are white, and then say,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45"This is Betty, she'll die if you don't donate money".
0:13:45 > 0:13:49I'm not sure that would be very good for Betty's health.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Well, then you dress someone up like Betty.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Yes, I'm not sure I'm not sure of the point...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- And then... - Can we just speak to your mum, maybe?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- How about... - You heard what Dad said,
0:13:59 > 0:14:03we can't call Mum, that's an admission of failure and failure is not an option.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"Failure is not an option, Chef!", now get out of my kitchen.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09'Ben, what's happening? What's going on there?'
0:14:09 > 0:14:10No, everything's fine, Mum.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Do the heart doctors and stuff,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16do they get all the money or do you get to keep some?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Can I just go and speak to your mum! Maybe about...
0:14:19 > 0:14:22But do you get to keep some of the money?
0:14:22 > 0:14:27- I mean, that's a big question.- Do you get the money that I give to that.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29We should really wait for your mum.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34- Sorry, pushed for time, can't stop. - No, that's fine!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Ben, everything going OK?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Yeah, Dad, everything's fine. - Good lad!
0:14:46 > 0:14:51- Is it the Grand Prix?- Yeah, it's the usual high speed procession.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I tell you what would bring the excitement back to Formula 1,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56two words - zebra crossings.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Yeah!- And maybe a couple of mums on the school run.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Unexpectedly stopping at the chicane.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03"Oh, sorry I won't be a minute."
0:15:03 > 0:15:05"Oh, sorry, just let me manoeuvre."
0:15:14 > 0:15:18"I've a right to park on this corner because I have children".
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Hey, what you doing?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Oh, it's just some homework.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Well, not in front of the telly.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It's just an essay, it's easy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Well, what's it about?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- The Romantic poets. - And why is that easy?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33There's just not much to say.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42"The Romantic poets were a bunch of Emos".
0:15:55 > 0:15:57They were a major movement in literature.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59You can't just, sort of, diss them.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Well, you know, I like daffodils and I appreciate them
0:16:02 > 0:16:06but it doesn't mean I have to go on about them the whole time.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I can think, that's a nice daffodil, and then move on with my life.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- Have you any idea how long The Ancient Mariner is?- But...
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Coleridge got 320 verses out of some idiot who shot a bird.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Why are all these poems about shooting birds?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29You can think it's rubbish, but you have to have
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- a coherent argument as to why. - OK, well, my conclusion...
0:16:33 > 0:16:35How can you come to a conclusion?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38You've written a sentence! You can't have a conclusion.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I'm planning ahead! Wordsworth
0:16:40 > 0:16:42had a very bland life, the most interesting thing he did
0:16:42 > 0:16:45was sleep with his sister, but rather than write about...
0:16:45 > 0:16:49"A very bland life"? "The most exciting thing he did was sleep with his sister"!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52If that's your definition of bland.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56He couldn't write about sleeping with his sister, he'd have been put in prison!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Well...- He'd be in the next cell to Oscar Wilde!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01But they're so nice.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05I'm sorry, darling, but there are certain basic things you need
0:17:05 > 0:17:08in a shoe and being able to walk is one of them.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11But they're leopard print, I love leopard print.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13They're not real leopard, are they?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16No.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Look, we've got this lovely bag,
0:17:19 > 0:17:23which is lovely. Why don't we call it a day on the shopping
0:17:23 > 0:17:24and go out in to the sunshine
0:17:24 > 0:17:27and away from this music which is doing my head in.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I guess I could forget about the shoes.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Good girl. - I just need some lipstick.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Lipstick? You're nine!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Exactly.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Just put some effort in!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48But English is pointless and it doesn't qualify you for anything.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Education isn't just about getting a job.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52It should be! If you want to be a plumber
0:17:52 > 0:17:54then you study Advanced Plumbing.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58But to be a plumber you need, chemistry
0:17:58 > 0:18:00to understand about corrosion,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03physics to know all about the dynamics of water,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06maths to bump up the invoice.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09It is all part of the same thing.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Yeah, and then you don't need any of the poncey stuff like history.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13History isn't poncey!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Look, the point is by the time I've...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Wow, that mechanic's on fire!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Well, now we're talking!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I mean, that's terrible. Poor man.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Other girls in my class wear lipstick.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29- Really?- Yeah!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32When the going home time bell rings
0:18:32 > 0:18:35they sneak into the toilets and put it on.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36My God!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Well, look, you've got a beautiful, natural face that you...
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Yeah, well, you wouldn't understand. - Well, what does that mean?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48You wouldn't understand because you're one of the lucky ones.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53- The lucky ones?- Yes, Tanya's mum says you're lucky because
0:18:53 > 0:18:55you don't care about how you look.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- Is that right?- She says she wishes she could be like you.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01She wears lots of lipstick.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Yeah, tons.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06She has all different colours. She even has black.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09That would look good on you because you've got such a white face.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Hey, we could do you a whole new makeover!
0:19:12 > 0:19:16That would be a good mother daughter thing.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I don't want a makeover, I'm perfectly happy with the way I look.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Well, you're just being silly now.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40These commentators are so bland.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Bring back Murray Walker, that's what I say.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Do you remember Murray Walker, Jake?- No, Dad.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I don't remember any of the people that you remember.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51He was fantastic. He was the perfect commentator
0:19:51 > 0:19:53because he sounds like a racing car.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"And there goes Emerson Fittipaldi"!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I heard you bought a new jacket.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Yeah, it was going cheap in Camden Market.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- I just thought... - Has Mum put you up to this?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Mum? No, no, no,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16not at all, no.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17No.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I just wondered how you, er...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Zach's Dad gave each band member £30
0:20:24 > 0:20:26because we're playing at his birthday party.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Oh! Oh, right.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Excellent.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34"I wandered lonely as a cloud"!
0:20:34 > 0:20:36How is a cloud lonely?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39You never see clouds on their own, you see them with other clouds.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- Maybe it was a maverick.- That's the trouble, they just don't think.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46You can't just dismiss the Romantic Movement.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49It represented a rejection
0:20:49 > 0:20:52of the certainties of 18th century classicism
0:20:52 > 0:20:55and it heralded a social movement that challenged
0:20:55 > 0:20:59the conservative notions like the Divine Right of Kings.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- Can you say that slowly so I can write it down?- Oh, for God's sake.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- I don't want to buy anything new. - If you didn't want to ever
0:21:08 > 0:21:10buy anything new then we'd all still be in togas.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I don't need anything!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14You do.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Since when did you get so interested in fashion?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Think about the people that would be out of work.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23The little children of Vietnam poking the holes in the trainers
0:21:23 > 0:21:26and all the grannies cutting the holes in balaclavas,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29and she'd have no job!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31What about the models? They'd starve.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Karen! Can we just...?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Look here, see, this is the kind of thing you need.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38It's got nice birds on it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- Actually, that's in the sale. And it's only...- Please, don't speak.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44It just stopped a few minutes ago.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Why didn't you call me? - I tried pressing all the buttons.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Well, don't press any more. Let's just tackle it logically.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- Why don't we turn it off and on again?- No, that only works with computers, and no-one knows why.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57So, this is the first load, yeah?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- Yeah, and the second. - You put both loads in?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Mmm-hmm.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Why did you do that?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Actually, how did you do that?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Well, first I used my feet
0:22:09 > 0:22:13and then I used the broom as a sort of ramrod thing.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15And then I used my feet and the broom.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Your Mum is going to go nuts. I don't know...
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Try this!
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Ben, the answer to every problem is not whack it with a hammer.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Just a bit of thought, that's all that's required.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- You'll have to get a man in. - We do not need to "get a man in".
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- That's what Mum does.- No, that's what Mum does when I'm not available.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39- Often far too readily and at great expense.- We need someone who knows what they're doing.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I know what I'm doing!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- You're going to break it! - I will find a solution.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Manual. Where is the manual?
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Ah!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53All shall be revealed.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Here's a bigger hammer.- No.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I've just spent half an hour combing through this manual.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02So, have you fixed it?
0:23:02 > 0:23:07No, because this is the manual to our last bloody washing machine!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Why have we kept..?- Get a man in!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Proper men don't pay to get men in.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It is a simple engineering problem and I will fix it.
0:23:17 > 0:23:23Like when you fixed the radiators and they ended up full of sewage?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Hot sewage?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29That was a systemic design flaw.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33This is a washing machine and I'm good with washing machines.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35And this one is not going to beat me!
0:23:38 > 0:23:39BLENDER WHIRS
0:23:42 > 0:23:43STOPS BLENDER
0:23:43 > 0:23:47You stupid, bloody, bloody machine!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Stupid...!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50STARTS BLENDER
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Oh, Karen, can we please stop shopping?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- I've stopped shopping. I'm browsing.- I'm so...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Ooh, Tanya's got a top like that,
0:24:01 > 0:24:05and Molly and Megan. Can we please stop browsing and go back to shopping
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- because I really like this top? - Listen, Karen,
0:24:09 > 0:24:14if you only ever remember one thing I tell you I'd like it to be this.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Life is too short to spend it looking for a top.
0:24:17 > 0:24:23Please, please don't waste it acquiring stuff
0:24:23 > 0:24:26just because you happen to be a woman and some other women told...
0:24:26 > 0:24:32- Oh, that's Tanya, isn't it?- Yeah, and Molly and Maisie and Megan.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- Did you know they were going to be here?- No.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Tanya said they were going to Westfield for her birthday treat.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Ah, her birthday treat.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45You invited Tanya to yours, didn't you?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Yeah.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Do you want to and say hello?- No.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51OK.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Tanya's Mum looks nice, doesn't she?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I like her jacket.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00But it's not real leopard, is it?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Do you know,
0:25:04 > 0:25:05I think it might be.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Hello!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Blimey!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- That hall is spotless.- Yeah.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Did you have a nice time, Karen?
0:25:26 > 0:25:32- No. Mum wouldn't try on the hot pants.- It's a long story.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Well, this all looks very impressive.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Ben has put an enormous amount of effort into this meal.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42You let Ben cook our meal? Are you mad?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Karen!- I'm not eating that, it's going to taste like cat sick.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- Why's she in a bad mood?- Don't ask. - You all right? You sound...
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I'm just coming down with something.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- Have you done your homework? - Oh, yes, indeed.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Have you opened the wine?- Yes, chef!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59"The Romantic Poets were a bunch of Emos,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"but they also represented
0:26:01 > 0:26:05"a rejection of the certainties of 18th century classicism..."
0:26:08 > 0:26:10OK, places, everyone, now!
0:26:10 > 0:26:11So, everything got done?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14You managed OK? No problems?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18No, no. No problems, whatsoever.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Oh, the, um...
0:26:21 > 0:26:25The, er...washing machine went on the blink,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27stopped mid cycle, don't know why.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31I've, um... I've got a...
0:26:31 > 0:26:33man coming in.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Oh, well, that's very efficient.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Usually, I have to do that. So, Chef, is this a Nigella recipe?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43No, I found something better.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I found it in a magazine that came with Dad's newspaper.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51There was this man and he's not a chef, he's a food scientist.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53He does science with food.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56His name was Heston something.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I thought we were having salad?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00You are having salad.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- Well, where is it, then? - I put it through the blender.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- You put the salad through the blender?- Not just the salad.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09All the other things.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I think it's called a puree.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Heston says if you want to be a great chef
0:27:14 > 0:27:17you must be prepared to experiment with lots of flavours.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Ta-da!
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Ooh.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Right, um...
0:27:29 > 0:27:30That...
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Unusual texture.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Now this puree is made of
0:27:41 > 0:27:45pork, onion, cheese, garlic, rocket, cucumber,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48erm...Toblerone,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52rhubarb, ice cream, cabbage and marzipan.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54And this is the vegetarian option,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56without the pork.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01Well, it certainly seems like a lot of work.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Did Daddy supervise you, at all?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Nope. Did it by myself.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- Besides, Dad was busy.- Really?
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Busy doing what?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Mum, the washing machine's covered in, like, big dents,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17like someone's been whacking it with a hammer.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22So, tuck in.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:50 > 0:28:53E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk