0:00:02 > 0:00:05I'm just saying I'm surprised that's all, Karen.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08because you've always said that when you grow up you want
0:00:08 > 0:00:11to be a zoologist or a vigilante and now you're saying you want to be...
0:00:11 > 0:00:14- Something in fashion, yes. - It's not very exciting!
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Well, fashion is very exciting!
0:00:16 > 0:00:20One day black's in and then the next day brown's the new black
0:00:20 > 0:00:23and the next day black's the new brown!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26That's very exciting, waking up and not knowing what colour's are cool.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- Yeah, but...- And I have my future all planned out.
0:00:29 > 0:00:34Tanya's going to start a global fashion house called 'Tanya',
0:00:34 > 0:00:39with a little T and a big Y, and then I'm going to be her assistant.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44- Her assistant?! Well, why should you be her assis...- Archie!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- DOG BARKS - Hello, Archie!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- Nice walk? - Well, HE enjoyed it.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51He got to crap in the middle of the floral clock
0:00:51 > 0:00:54and sniffed a lot of new bottoms, most of them dogs.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56The only minus was that the squirrels
0:00:56 > 0:01:00- kept cheating by running up trees. - When can WE get a dog?- Yeah.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03The only reason we're dog-sitting Archie is
0:01:03 > 0:01:05so you kids could prove you could look after a dog.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09And in three days, Jake, you haven't once taken him for a walk
0:01:09 > 0:01:11and all you've done, Karen, is dress him in girl's clothes,
0:01:11 > 0:01:15paint his toenails and feed him chocolate mints,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18which proved to be very bad news for the living room carpet.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21But it doesn't matter about the living room carpet
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- because that's cream.- Well, it was. - And cream is very 1990s.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- Who are you - Gok Wan?!- Why...
0:01:27 > 0:01:32- why does he keep following me about? - Because you mean food.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34We're his pack, and you're the pack leader.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Well, if I'm the pack-leader, why doesn't he obey me?! Archie...
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Bed! Archie! Bed!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43See?!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- What's that you're doing?- Biology. - With a guitar?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I'm just writing a song while I'm doing it.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's only 'Evolution', it's not hard.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Yeah, God knows what took Darwin so long to work it out,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- the lightweight.- Is evolution the one that says
0:01:57 > 0:01:59that humans started off
0:01:59 > 0:02:03as little blobs of jelly and then they evoluted into mammals?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Well, not just humans, Karen. See Archie?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09He's the perfect example of evolution
0:02:09 > 0:02:12because basically what you have there is a wolf.
0:02:14 > 0:02:20A very dim wolf... Possibly a special needs wolf.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Archie's not dim! Dogs are very clever.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- They're not as clever as wolves. - They are cleverer than wolves!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- No, they're not.- They had the brains to come inside and live with us.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36- Yes, but that doesn't make them... - And get people to give them food
0:02:36 > 0:02:38out of tins and give them a basket,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42so they won't have to go chasing elks through the snow for days.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Loads of species are cleverer than dogs.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I read an article that said crows are cleverer than dogs.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Crows aren't brighter than dogs! - They are!- Can crows fetch a stick?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Well, they use sticks as tools. - Can they fetch the newspaper?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Well, maybe, if you gave him the money.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59No shiny coins though, they'd just keep those.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I think dogs are the cleverest animals.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- A squid's the cleverest animal. - How's a squid a clever animal?!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Squids are highly intelligent, they've done all sorts of tests.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- What, squids have done lots of tests?- No, scientists!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Can't be that clever or they wouldn't end up as calamari!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Salamanders are really clever.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Because you rip off one of their arms and they just grow it back!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Doesn't make them clever.- Can you do that?- If I just got an axe
0:03:21 > 0:03:25and hacked off one of your arms, could you just suddenly grow it out?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- No.- Could you?- No.- Exactly. You're just one down from a lizard, really.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Well, I can't cling vertically to walls and I don't eat cicadas,
0:03:32 > 0:03:37it doesn't make any... I...I'm still clever! I'm much cleverer than a lizard!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40PHONE RINGS Where's the phone?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Why can't anybody ever put it on the...
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Oh... Archie, get...
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- Archie! - PHONE CONTINUES
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Excuse me. I think this'll be for me... Hello...
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Oh, hi Ben, how's adventure camp? - What blood group am I?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- What blood...are you OK?! - No, I'm fine.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Why do you want to know your blood group?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Just something Mr Hunslet said.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08He saw me doing the assault course with my eyes shut for a bet
0:04:08 > 0:04:11and he said, "Ooh, we'd better find out what blood group you are".
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Yeah, um, that sounds like he might have said it as a joke.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Well, I thought of that,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19but it's kinda hard to tell when Mr Hunslet's doing a joke,
0:04:19 > 0:04:23because he's got that smile like his face has got stuck.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Have we got any friends whose children aren't being sponsored for charity?
0:04:30 > 0:04:35Walking up Kilimanjaro? That's a holiday!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I'll say it got stuck in the spam filter.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- KAREN:- I want my Ugg boots!
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- Where are my Ugg boots!? - She doesn't have Ugg boots.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48No, she's just written Ugg on the side of her boots.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- Where's she going anyway? - Oh, a sleepover at Tanya's house.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You know, she's totally in awe of this girl,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56and her little witches coven.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- I think she's going to feel left out.- Right.
0:05:04 > 0:05:11- So...planning any band rehearsals this weekend?- Maybe.
0:05:11 > 0:05:17Only you seem to have had a lot of those recently...band rehearsals.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Only, um, Donny's mum said that Donny hadn't been going
0:05:21 > 0:05:22to any band rehearsals.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- That's because Donny's no longer in the band.- Oh, why's that?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Musical differences. He wanted to move away from grunge folk
0:05:29 > 0:05:31towards semi garage.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- Also, he punched Mikey in the face. - Right.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Are you satisfied with that answer? Or would you like to water board me?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41No, listen. No, I'm just...
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I'm, I'm just, I'm really just interested
0:05:44 > 0:05:48I just was taking a casual interest in...
0:05:48 > 0:05:51in...what you're up to.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- So, you're enjoying yourself? - Yeah!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55We've just played British Bulldog.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- What does 'feral' mean?- Feral? Something else Mr Hunslet said?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- Yeah.- Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it.- So, what blood group am I?- Um...
0:06:05 > 0:06:13- Sue? What blood group's Ben? - Well, um...one of the ones.
0:06:13 > 0:06:19- Got to go, otherwise they'll hear me.- Ben!
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Ben! Ben!?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- DOORBELL RINGS - OK, Karen!
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- It's Molly's mum, so... - It's OK, I'll get it!
0:06:28 > 0:06:32It's OK, I won't say anything embarrassing!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34You don't have to say anything!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Well, have a nice... - FRONT DOOR SLAMS
0:06:37 > 0:06:39ARCHIE BARKS
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- It's OK, Archie, it's only Dad. - Archie.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I'll buy him off with a biscuit.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50This is empty. It was half full yesterday, how's that happened?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53It's those eyes!
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- If I don't feed him, he gives me the eyes.- See, Dad? He is quite clever.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59He's worked out that it's survival of the cutest.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02He's had both of those packs of dog biscuits.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Apart from the ones Ben ate. - BIN CLATTERS
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Archie, out of there! Come on now, come on.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10So, it's just the three of us tonight.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Archie!- Do you fancy watching a classic movie?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16No, because you'll just talk through every scene telling me
0:07:16 > 0:07:20how brilliant it is. I didn't hear a word of Citizen Kane.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22How about playing FIFA?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- No, no, not PlayStation. - Scared I'll beat you?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Well, of course you'd beat me at that. I'd murder you at...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30tiddlywinks.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33There's a game called tiddlywinks?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Yeah, you flick little bits of plastic into a pot.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41That sounds way too addictive for me.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44God, you're heavy!
0:07:44 > 0:07:50So, why are forests like this so important to our planet, hmmm?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Anyone?!
0:07:55 > 0:07:56OK, Ben...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Forests are important because they produce oxygen.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02They're the lungs of the planet. Without them humanity would become extinct.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07- That's right!- Although that is going to happen anyway.- Er, well...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Humans are going to die out. - Well, maybe, but...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12No, not maybe, 98% of all the species that have ever
0:08:12 > 0:08:15lived have died out eventually.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- That's very interesting Ben, but... - And in 50 billion years,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21a galaxy called Andromeda is going to collide with us
0:08:21 > 0:08:24and annihilate the universe! That'll definitely kill us.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Well, we won't worry about that, after all,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28that is 50 billion years away.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Yeah, but a comet could hit us in two minutes. Or now!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- All right Ben, that's enough.- Or now!- All right, Lucy, deep breaths.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37We wouldn't see it, because most of them
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- don't reflect light. - LUCY GASPS
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Get your inhaler, Lucy.- Or a supernova could X-ray us to death.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Ben!- We wouldn't see that either. - Quiet!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47It'd be like being put in a huge microwave.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- OK, head between the legs, Lucy. - As for a super asteroid.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- One more and you're in detention. - Here we go.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- The tellers of truth are always silenced.- Detention!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58See? It's Galileo all over again.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02It's like having a stalker!
0:09:02 > 0:09:06No Archie, no, you've had your food.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09No, don't give me the eyes.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Don't give me the eyes!
0:09:14 > 0:09:19No, Archie. All right, one last one.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21OK, Jake! Ready!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Ready for...what the hell is that?!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Come on, Arsenal v Spurs, local derby.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- What is it?- This is the game I played when I was growing up,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Subbuteo, I've been meaning to get this out for ages.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Subbuteo? Why do all your games have the stupidest names?
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- Subbuteo?- Yeah.- That's not even a word.- Yes, it is. It's Latin.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45It means I...subute. Anyway, look I'll take you through the rules.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48No, I'm not playing this, it's too...budget.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Budget? Come on, this is a great game!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Well, it's not realistic like FIFA, is it?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54That is where you're wrong, because this, in fact,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58this is a far realistic representation of football. HE SNIGGERS
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- What? - No, yes, it is, because look,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03on PlayStation, all you do, is get to control one player at a time
0:10:03 > 0:10:07and all the other players just charge around randomly like... England.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Whereas in Subbuteo, it's all about tactics.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- FIFA is...- It's all about moving players and positioning them.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15FIFA's realistic, Dad.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17If you think that, I am really worried,
0:10:17 > 0:10:21cos that means we'll bring through a whole generation of young players
0:10:21 > 0:10:26who can only run jerkily, in completely straight lines,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28who often leave the ball behind them
0:10:28 > 0:10:33and then occasionally turn through 180 degrees for no apparent reason.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Archie, bed.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39No more food.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41In your bed, in your bed.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Bed!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Archie.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Archie?! In your bed!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- FIFA's not realistic. - It's more realistic than this.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53When Arsenal and Spurs play each other, they don't have two teams
0:10:53 > 0:10:56of gay-looking clones, standing with their feet in big blocks
0:10:56 > 0:11:00of cement and the goalie with a huge long stick coming out of his arse.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Well, there's this thing called imagination.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- It's like a computer, only cheaper. - Oh, for...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Jesus! That's the ball?!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- Yeah.- It'd crush them to death. - No, it's just a...
0:11:11 > 0:11:13It's like the ball that chases Indiana Jones.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18Go to bed. In your bed! Archie! Bed!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Bed, Archie.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Archie, bed.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Bed!
0:11:24 > 0:11:29- You're just running scared. - OK, I'll beat you at your stupid game.- Ah, I don't think so.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32You see I won our Scout troop Subbuteo cup five years out of six.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37It would've been six out of six, but I accidentally trod on Jimmy Greaves and he snapped in half.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39He was never the same after that.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44OK! Game's over! In you come! Come on!
0:11:44 > 0:11:45OK!
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Where's Ben?!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Has anyone seen Ben?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55OK, who was the last person to see Ben?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57BEN!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- Wooargghhh! - THEY SCREAM
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Ben! For f...
0:12:03 > 0:12:07OK, everyone, keep back, give Lucy some space.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- I haven't killed her, have I?- No. - I know first aid.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12She's fine, get back.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- I took a course. - Step AWAY from Lucy!
0:12:17 > 0:12:18In your bed!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21No more food!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Archie, bed!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Bed, Archie!
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Bed!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Yay!
0:12:38 > 0:12:39SHE SIGHS
0:12:39 > 0:12:42You have to flick your player...thus.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43But it has to be flick.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Not drag, not a scoop, that's not legal and if you...
0:12:46 > 0:12:49PHONE RINGS
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Hello?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- Oh, hi, sweetheart, how's the sleepover?- Is that Karen?- Yuh.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57She wants to come home, I knew this would happen.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02Hi darling, is everything... Everything OK?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05No, what's gravlax?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Gravlax?- Yes, Tanya's mum says we were having gravlax
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- and I don't know what that is. - Gravlax is salmon.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- Why don't they just call it salmon then?- Well, I...
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Anyway, I don't like salmon, it's too orange, I don't eat anything
0:13:19 > 0:13:24orange, except for oranges because they admit that they're orange.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Karen, are you OK?
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- And here come Cheltenham again! - That's a definite foul!
0:13:30 > 0:13:31No foul says the referee!
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Let's look at the video replay. I've been filming it.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Video evidence is not allowed in the modern game by FIFA.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Oh, come on, chopper!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Give 'em a couple of knighthoods they might think again. MOBILE RINGS
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Hello, mate.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Yeah, yeah, that'd be cool.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Hey, Dad, can I go to Mikey's please?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55What, now?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Yeah, he's got the boys over. We're having a jam sesh
0:13:57 > 0:14:00and we'll probably finish quite late so...?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Well...well if that's OK with his mum and dad...
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Yeah, it's cool. OK, I'm on my way. Cheers, Dad, you're a star.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Why don't you just borrow a pair of high heels
0:14:18 > 0:14:21and then you can join in with the other girls' fashion show?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Well, look, darling, why don't you just give it a bit longer
0:14:26 > 0:14:29and then if you want to come home give me a ring, OK?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32OK, bye.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Bye! - FRONT DOOR SLAMS Bye!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Where's he going? - He's staying at Mikey's.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39You just said it was OK? Just like that?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42They're just having a jamming session.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- That's what he told you! - Sue, it's fine.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- There is something going on, I can feel it.- Feel it?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- Female intuition.- Is this the same female intuition that told you that
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Russell Brand was gay?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Well, he's very feminised, he wears women's shirts, it...
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Yeah, but he's not gay.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I can't believe you didn't ask Jake any more questions than...
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Look, can we just drop this?
0:15:04 > 0:15:09The next time he goes out I'll tag him electronically or something...
0:15:13 > 0:15:17So...we've got the house to ourselves.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Yeah, looks like it.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24- Just you and me.- When was the last that happened?- Yeah...
0:15:26 > 0:15:30What shall we do then? What did we do before we had kids?
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Did we do anything?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Hi, Mr Hunslet. Why are you smoking? Smoking kills.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48- Look, look, look. "Smoking Kills". - Yes, thank you, Ben.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- Do you know what happens when you smoke?- You're going to tell me!
0:15:51 > 0:15:56- It builds up all the gunk and tar inside your lungs.- Actually...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- Well, how old are you?- I'm 59.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- Then, I reckon you'll live another two years.- Two years?!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05And also how can you ever hope to get a girlfriend...
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- or a boyfriend...or whatever you're interested in.- I'm married.
0:16:09 > 0:16:15- You're married?! - I'm married, Ben.- To a woman?- Yes.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Yes, well, well how can she stand it?!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Your teeth will start to go yellow. - Ben!
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Mr Hunslet, you're my favourite teacher... I really like you...
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- even though you DID refer me to the Behavioural Support Unit.- Ben, Ben,
0:16:27 > 0:16:31can I tell you, this is the first cigarette I've had in seven months.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36- Then, what made you start again? - Take a wild guess...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Of course we did things before the kids,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42we used to do loads of great stuff.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47We used to have breakfast in bed, we used to have baths in warm water,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49we used to have sex in the daytime!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Did we?- Yes.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- Are you sure?- Yes!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Are you sure that was me?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00We did it a lot!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Well, anyway, we've got the house to ourselves...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06we should do something.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Goal!- No. No goal!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- It was a goal!- No! You dragged it, instead of flicked it!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- I flicked it! - No, you dragged it!- I flicked it!
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Please don't insult my intelligence, Sue! It was a drag!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23This game is ridiculous. Look at the size of the ball!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26That would crush the player to death.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Why's this family so literal? Jesus! OK, my free kick, 10 yards, please.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- What are you doing?- Well, that's enough time for Jake to get to Mikey's,
0:17:35 > 0:17:39so you're going to ring to check that he's really there.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Why do I have to do it?
0:17:40 > 0:17:45- Well, I can't do it, he'll think I'm checking up on him.- Well, you are.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It's OK, I've thought of a pretext.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50You know Mikey's Dad, Stewart, he offered you that
0:17:50 > 0:17:52James Taylor ticket and you couldn't go, do you remember?
0:17:52 > 0:17:57Well, this is you ringing, to thank him very much for his kind of offer.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58That was six months ago.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Well, a belated thank you, it's perfectly believable,
0:18:01 > 0:18:05you just thank him for the tickets, make some small talk,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08and then, casually, ask whether Jake is there.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10No, I am not doing that!
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Oh, hi, Stewart, It's Sue Brockman here, I've got Pete for you.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19This is... Hi, Stewart, yeah, Pete here. Look, Stewart...
0:18:19 > 0:18:25I've been meaning to phone you to thank you for your very kind
0:18:25 > 0:18:29offer of the James Taylor concert ticket.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Yeah, you offered me a ticket to James Taylor. Yeah...
0:18:33 > 0:18:36No, it was ages ago.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Anyway I should've thanked you and I didn't,
0:18:40 > 0:18:44so this is me thanking you.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Thanks.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47HE MOUTHS
0:18:47 > 0:18:50(Small talk, small talk...)
0:18:51 > 0:18:54So, um, did you see the England game?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57It's incredibly old fashioned, isn't it?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01I mean, really he should be playing Wilshere in the hole behind the front man and then...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04he'd find he's got far more width if he need...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06(Casually, about Jake.)
0:19:06 > 0:19:09So anyway...is Jake there?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11OK, Stewart, yeah, Sue would like a word.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Hi, Stewart, no that's fine, thank you, bye.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21What the hell did you do that for?!
0:19:21 > 0:19:26Well, why the hell did you make me... PHONE RINGS
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Hello. Oh, hi, Karen. ..She wants you.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Hi, darling. Everything OK?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Yeah. I was just ringing to say that the gravlax was fine
0:19:37 > 0:19:42and only pale orange, and I am having a good time, cos I thought you might be worrying about me.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47- Well, that's very grown up of you, thank you.- Tanya's house is amazing.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Well, that's nice.- It's much bigger than our house.- Right.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56- And much cleaner. - Is it?- Yeah, much.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Well, Tanya's Mummy's got that lovely Rwandan cleaning lady
0:19:59 > 0:20:01who comes in every day.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05And in the bathroom they have this thing that looks like a toilet
0:20:05 > 0:20:07but actually isn't a toilet.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09But don't worry Tanya's mum was very good about it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Plus they have two dogs here and now we're going to play...
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Right, it's been great talking to you, Karen,
0:20:15 > 0:20:16but I must crack on,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I've got to start cleaning our tiny little house.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- Bye.- Is she OK?
0:20:21 > 0:20:26I don't like her being there with those trainee WAGS and botoxed mum.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Still, the good news is, I think she may have crapped in their bidet,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Right, your free-kick.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- TV:- And now on BBC One and BBC One HD, it's time for...
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Oh, stop banging on about HD! What else is on?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Panel game. Panel game. HE FLICKS THROUGH THE CHANNELS
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Panel game. Panel game.
0:20:52 > 0:20:59Friends. Panel...no, sorry that's a police press conference. Panel game.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Embarrassing Bodies, oh, well that's not that embarrassing.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Oh, no, hang on, no that IS embarrassing.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Hello, Archie!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Who's a lovely boy?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Yes, you are, you're a lovely boy.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Who loves you, Archie? Who loves you?
0:21:17 > 0:21:23- So, you're missing the kids a bit then?- This is the future.- Hmm?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26This is what we've got to look forward to in about ten years' time.
0:21:26 > 0:21:32- You and me, an empty house...- No. No, it won't be like this at all.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37- Won't it?- No, we'll be out, it'll be like one long holiday.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Only without the guilt of having to force the kids
0:21:40 > 0:21:44into the kids' club, imagine that, enjoyment without guilt, Sue!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I've forgotten what that feels like.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52- Course they might still be here in ten years' time.- No. No.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Jake will be finishing at university, Karen will be
0:21:56 > 0:22:01starting university and Ben will be in the Foreign Legion.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04We may not be able to afford to send them to university.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- They may never leave. - Oh, Jesus, don't say that.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09That wouldn't be so bad, would it?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- PHONE RINGS - I think it would be quite...
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Hello...
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Mum, we just played this game of, "Who's got the sexiest legs?",
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- and I won!- That's nice, darling.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Just say if you want to come home rather than stay over.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27No, I'm going to sleep in Tanya's bedroom, she's got a widescreen TV.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Cos I can easily come and get you, it's no problem.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33And we just had this fantastic cake that Tanya's mum made.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34She's very clever.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39- Well, she was very clever to ditch her first husband and marry an investment banker.- What?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Nothing, sweetheart, look, I'm glad you're having a good time
0:22:42 > 0:22:46but if you need to come home, give me a ring. Bye!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48CRASHING COMING FROM OUTSIDE
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Oh, God, that'll be the fox at the bins again.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55How did he get that breezeblock off the lid?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Can you really not remember us having sex in the daytime?
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- Or are you just winding me up? - Of course I can remember!
0:23:13 > 0:23:18And as the boy laid in bed, on the first night away from home,
0:23:18 > 0:23:22he didn't see the tentacles of the gigantic mutated
0:23:22 > 0:23:25squid from Andromeda creeping up on him.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Suddenly! He was snatched into the air,
0:23:27 > 0:23:31as he was propelled towards the gaping maw of the squid's beak,
0:23:31 > 0:23:35he tried to scream, but he couldn't because the squid had already ripped
0:23:35 > 0:23:41off his head and was now feasting on the quivering guts of his corpse...
0:23:44 > 0:23:45The end!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- Have you seen Archie? - Out in the garden, probably.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I think there's still one patch of lawn he hasn't got round to poisoning with his urine.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00We've spoiled him rotten. Do you think the Hendersons will mind?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Don't know, we don't know what they're really like, do we?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06We only met them through Mick and Jean.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Oh, I meant to tell you, do you know what Jean did?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13She pretended to be a 15-year-old girl and tried to friend her son
0:24:13 > 0:24:17on Facebook to check up on him He spotted her straight away.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Yeah, well she probably didn't create a new email address.- Yeah...
0:24:22 > 0:24:26PHONE RINGS
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- Hello. - Is that Karen wanting to come home?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Oh, hi, Mr Chowdry.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Yeah...we are looking after a Labrador at the moment.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Well, he's in our garden, I think. He's in your garden!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Oh, crikey, I'm sorry, Mr Chowdry... - Archie! Archie!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42He must've escaped through a gap under...
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Did you visit the nice people who live at the back of our garden?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Oh, I didn't know you keep guinea pigs...
0:24:50 > 0:24:56Kept guinea pigs, right, yeah, yeah, yep.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01And...when you say...
0:25:01 > 0:25:03savaged,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06what exactly do you mean? Only the...
0:25:07 > 0:25:10No, no, I think that does qualify as savaging, yep...
0:25:12 > 0:25:17I can hear your children scream, blood everywhere.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22Look, Mr, Mr Chowdry, I'm so sorry. I will come round right now and...
0:25:25 > 0:25:28OK, I'll come round in a few minutes,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31once you've, um,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35finished burying them.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37OK, Mr Chowdry.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Told you...wolf.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50The kids probably WILL have left home in ten years, won't they?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Yep, and it'll be our ticket to freedom.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I know it's a bit of a rollercoaster having kids,
0:25:55 > 0:26:01but there isn't a single moment I would have missed, not any of it.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07- Not any of it?- No.- Not even when they all had worms?- Well...
0:26:07 > 0:26:09And their bottoms resembled a scene from Life On Earth, you wouldn't have missed that?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Well, maybe I...- Ben projectile vomiting into that fan?- Well...
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- Karen, the "C" word in the nativity play?- She didn't know what she was saying
0:26:16 > 0:26:20and anyway they should NEVER have cast her as Mary.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- Jake and that business with the... - All right, all right, OK!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27DOORBELL RINGS Oh.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30That'll be the Hendersons, come to pick up Psycho Lassie.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I can't believe Archie did that.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I hope Ben's sleeping all right.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38HE SNORES
0:26:42 > 0:26:46SOME OF THE CHILDREN SOB
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- Has he been any trouble? - Well, he was fine,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52until he discovered next door's garden at the back...
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- You little scamp.- ..where there were guinea pigs.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Ah...yes, um...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04he's got a little bit of a thing about small, squeaky mammals,
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- I'm afraid.- Yeah. - Did we not mention that?- No.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I thought it was on our list.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14No, I think we would have noticed "squeaky-mammal murderer".
0:27:14 > 0:27:17So, anyway, we've had to compensate the Chowdrys
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- financially to replace the guinea pigs so...- Right.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Mind you, it was foolish of them to have guinea pigs wandering
0:27:25 > 0:27:29freely like that, they should have been in a hutch.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33They were in a hutch. I had to give him money for a new hutch as well.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- It was ninety quid in all. - £90?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Yeah...
0:27:38 > 0:27:41..for the loss,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43caused by your dog.
0:27:46 > 0:27:53- Right.- I mean, he is your dog, so... - Yes, no, he is our dog. Although,
0:27:53 > 0:27:58technically, he was in your care. I mean, y'know, so...
0:27:58 > 0:28:03- You owe us £90.- Right, yes, understood, we'll drop it by.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04MOVIE PLAYS ON TV
0:28:04 > 0:28:10Why is Harrison Ford's wife always being held hostage?
0:28:10 > 0:28:14- Well, at least now we know what the Hendersons are like...- Eh?
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Doesn't matter.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20If the kids do leave and it's just us here
0:28:20 > 0:28:23rattling around it'll be so...
0:28:23 > 0:28:25It's going to be...
0:28:25 > 0:28:29- Well, it's going to be like this. - We'll be OK.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32It's so quiet... it's not natural, it's...
0:28:32 > 0:28:35PHONE RINGS
0:28:37 > 0:28:38Mum! It's me! I...
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Want to come home! No problem, I'm on my way!
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk