0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Why are you watching this? - It's on the Large Hadron Collider,
0:00:04 > 0:00:06and I'm doing a physics project on it.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09That? It's really cool. It can destroy the universe.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12I can tell you everything you need to know about it.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15It could create this black hole in Switzerland.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- Could you please just...?- So when you were being sucked through it,
0:00:18 > 0:00:21there'd be Toberlones and clogs flying around your ears.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24- Maybe you could get crushed by a windmill.- Windmill?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26That could propel us into a parallel universe.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Wouldn't that be cool?
0:00:28 > 0:00:29I could be the oldest one,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32and you weren't even born, and we had a panther instead.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- I need to concentrate on this... - We could have a penguin.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Mum, What's worse?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- serious or severe?- Mmm?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Well, the Welsh man on the telly said that the terrorist threat
0:00:43 > 0:00:47has gone from serious to severe - is that worse?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- I'm not sure.- Well, I need to know what the terrorist threat is,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52so I know how aware I need to be
0:00:52 > 0:00:56when I'm on the lookout for suspect packages in the playground.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Listen, darling, honestly...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01They'll blow up Big Ben before they'd get to my school, won't they?
0:01:01 > 0:01:05'The Higgs boson was put forward as a hypothetical particle...'
0:01:05 > 0:01:07The Higgs boson! That's named after two people,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Mr Higgs and Mr Boson, who discovered it.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Wouldn't it be cool to have a bacteria named after you,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18which spread a bubonic plague, called the Ben-tron?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21So, there's a bubonic plague called the Ben-tron?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- Or Brockman-on, or... - The Gay Idiot-atron.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29Well, if you had one, you would be the, er, Stuck-Up Old Brother-tron.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33- Who's gay.- I'm dangerously close to stabbing you with my pen.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Ben-on, the destructor!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Look... there's always been terrorism.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42- I mean, when I was growing up, it was the Irish.- The Irish?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Well, it's... - Are you sure? The Irish?
0:01:45 > 0:01:50People like Graham Norton and Jedward?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52You know, the universe should be, like,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54contracting and getting smaller,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58but it's expanding, and scientists have no idea how.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Which is kind of stupid, cos even I can think of some reasons why.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Do you not...?- What if there's a rubber band, which,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I don't know, the protectors of the universe have put around it
0:02:07 > 0:02:10to try and keep it the same size?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13What if there's, like, a massive mutant alien fish
0:02:13 > 0:02:14which is trying to go to the toilet,
0:02:14 > 0:02:18but then it isn't working, so the universe is getting bigger...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20The universe is trying to go to the toilet?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23A fish with the universe inside it is trying to
0:02:23 > 0:02:24- go to the toilet.- What are you...?
0:02:24 > 0:02:28How come I, an 11-year-old boy, can think of that
0:02:28 > 0:02:30and then scientists can't?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34But the Irish, they're jolly, they're happy and fun.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- No, it...- So you're saying that they're going to bomb us too?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41That's not very reassuring.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45The Irish are lovely people. It's just a tiny, tiny few...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Now I have to worry about...
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Look, look some risks are so minimal that
0:02:49 > 0:02:51they're just not even worth worrying about.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54You're more likely to be hit by lightning.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58People can get hit by lightning?!
0:02:58 > 0:03:03- I thought it was only trees! - It is mostly trees.
0:03:03 > 0:03:09Well, scientifically, tall people get hit by lightning first?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Erm...
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- Right?- Yep, scientifically speaking, I think that is correct.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Sorry I'm late. Passenger action at Victoria.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I think they might have lynched a driver.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23ARGUING IN THE NEXT ROOM
0:03:23 > 0:03:24What's all that noise?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27They're having a fight about the origins of the universe.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Tea?- Yes, please.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- When time are we setting off? - In about quarter of an hour.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- So what was today's school like?- Tough.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- I'm one of 13 supply teachers.- 13?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42My class's most popular excuse seems to be, "My pit bull ate my homework."
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Dad, what's worse, serious or severe?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- Eh?- She saw something about the terrorist threat.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Hey, listen, you don't want to worry about all that.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Did you know that, statistically,
0:03:54 > 0:03:58this is the safest time ever to be a child in England?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- But Ben got mugged. - Yeah, I know, but in the 1500s,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05he would have probably died in a crusade or caught the plague.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08No, he got mugged today.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- What, again? - Afraid so. Same spot. Ratley Road.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Just heard your news, Ben. You all right?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Eh? Oh, yeah.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I didn't know the squirrel was going to do that.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22No, I mean you being mugged.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24They said they had a knife - they always say that.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28I didn't have my phone with me, so they just took my geometry kit.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- What's the school doing about this? - Well, what can they do?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I've got off quite lightly.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Ibrahim's been mugged five times. Same boys.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39He asked them if he could have a loyalty card.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41That's actually quite funny.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44It's wrong, though, isn't it, the way it's just being accepted?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47It means there's a whole generation of kids growing up
0:04:47 > 0:04:48just expecting to be robbed.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Can I become a Catholic?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53You want to become a Catholic?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57I can, can't I? The Pope's giving out invitations.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Well, yeah, but...- But what?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Well, it would be easier for you to become a Catholic if you...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04believed in God.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I only stopped believing in him because he was annoying me,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11sending earthquakes and tsunamis.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Also, whenever I asked for something or anything,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17he would always just ignore me.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19So, why do you want to be a Catholic?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Because I want to go to the same big school as Tanya,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25and she's going to a Catholic school.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Tanya. Right, well, we've talked about this, haven't we, darling?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And just because Tanya's doing something doesn't mean to say
0:05:33 > 0:05:34that you have to do it too.
0:05:34 > 0:05:40But I like Tanya, Tanya's my friend. Don't you like her?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Dad!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Why have I got to look after Karen?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Because me and Mum and Ben are going to be at Ben's parents' evening.
0:05:50 > 0:05:56Oh, yeah, by the way, if Mr Hunslet mentions, er, Lucy Barker
0:05:56 > 0:05:59and the formaldehyde, that was a misunderstanding.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01How can I have a proper band practice
0:06:01 > 0:06:03with a nine-year-old in tow?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Just stick her in the corner. She can read or draw or...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- ...learn the catechism.- What?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Look, all I'm saying is, just because Tanya
0:06:12 > 0:06:15and her twice-divorced mother want to become Catholics
0:06:15 > 0:06:19to get into this school, it doesn't mean you have to follow suit.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22But I like Tanya. She's my friend.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25She picked me to be in her entourage.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Yeah, well, a friend shouldn't outrank you.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29FIREWORKS EXPLODE
0:06:29 > 0:06:35Bloody hell, fireworks in daytime. It's fireworks all year now.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Do you remember when it used to be Fireworks Night? Just one night.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Just like it used to be Christmas Day.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Christmas starts in mid-October now.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Halloween costumes are on sale in August. I'd ban Halloween.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51You can't ban Halloween. But you should ban Guy Fawkes Night -
0:06:51 > 0:06:53all the bangs from the fireworks are cruel to the pets.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55They scare them.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57That's not fair on the pets.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Also, can we have a pet?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01We've tried pets, and...
0:07:01 > 0:07:04But I don't mean like a goldfish or something you flush down a toilet.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09I mean an actual mammal, a dog or a cat or a gerbil. Or an ocelot.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11An ocelot?
0:07:11 > 0:07:12It's a kind of leopard,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14but small enough to put in a car when you go away.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17You can't keep jungle animals in houses.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Michael Jackson had a chimpanzee, and it only attacked two people.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Mmm, lots of candles and lovely spangly costumes.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- You can't have a chimp. - How about a skunk, then?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31You can't keep skunks as pets, Ben.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34You can. A boy in school keeps them. And he wants to sell some.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36What, he keeps skunks?
0:07:36 > 0:07:41- Yeah. A boy in Jake's year. Oliver. - No.- He does. Ibrahim told me.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45He said, "Oliver in year 11 has got some skunk to sell."
0:07:45 > 0:07:48That should be "skunks", shouldn't it?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Or is it a plural that stays the same, like "sheep"?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Why can't we say "sheeps"? It must be really confusing for shepherds.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00Actually, Ben, why don't you go and, um, collect all your dirty laundry
0:08:00 > 0:08:02and divide it up into colours, whites and darks?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- What, all my dirty laundry?- Yes.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- MUTTERS:- The woman's laundry-obsessed!
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Skunk?!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- That's dope, isn't it?- Strong dope.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16And Jake's mate is selling it!
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Whoa, we've got this from Ben, via Ibrahim - that is like reading a...
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Wikipedia entry posted by Jeffrey Archer.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27We shouldn't jump to any conclusions.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29No, no, you're right.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I bet he is selling dope, though.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- Sue!- Well, he's the type. Alternative, wears skinny jeans.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- There isn't...- What if he's been selling it to Jake?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I told you he's been hiding something. He's been very...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43We should just take it one step at a time.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- We have to broach it with him. Jake! - Oh, for God's sake.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51- Let's take it nice and gently.- OK. Jake! Can you come in here, please?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54We don't want him on the defensive. That'll get us nowhere.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- No, fair enough.- Yeah, what is it?
0:08:58 > 0:09:04Jake we, um... We'd just welcome your input on something.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- It's come to our attention... Well, you know your mate Olly?- Yeah.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10- Well...- Is he selling drugs?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- What?!- Is he selling skunk?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17No! Where on earth did you get that?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Well, it was just something that Ben heard.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Ben?! You're basing this on information from Ben?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- Something he heard and didn't understand... - You're actually listening to Ben,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29the boy who told his class that he saw Barack Obama in Lidl's?
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- Yes, but...- I'm not doing drugs! - We're not saying you are!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- No, you're accusing my friend Olly of being a pusher!- No, no, no...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Are there kids pushing drugs? - Yes, obviously, it's a school!
0:09:41 > 0:09:44But I'm not doing drugs, and Olly's not selling drugs.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45So why did Ben...?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- Oh, this is a joke!- Then why did Ben say...?- This is a total joke!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- Why did Ben say...- You're both a joke!- ..a kid called Oliver...
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- Pathetic.- ..in your year... - It's not the same Oliv...
0:09:57 > 0:10:00This is so stupid! Why am I even standing here
0:10:00 > 0:10:02and listening and answering these questions?!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05He was going to say it's not that Oliver.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07That's what he was going to say.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Can I have a rat? Michael Jackson had a rat.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12And he wrote a song about a rat called Ben,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16and it was a sort of rat Spartacus. It led a rat rebellion against humanity.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Did you name me after it, Ben?
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Strangely, we didn't name any of our children after psychotic rodents.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- What about a micro pig?- Oh, yeah. John at work bought a micro pig.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Weighs more than him, lives in his bathroom.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30What about Tasmanian devils?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Because they're endangered, and we could, yeah, we could have,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36like, a captive breeding programme and then...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Captive breeding programme?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Later, we could post them back to Australia.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- How do you post a Tasmanian devil? - Recorded delivery.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- What about pandas? - OK, Ben! That's...
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- What about a chameleon? Because...- Chameleon?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- ..they change colour...- Not now! - You could have games with them,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54cos you could put one in front of the TV, change the channel
0:10:54 > 0:10:55and see how fast it keeps up.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- Ben!- What about a zebra?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58OK, Ben, that's enough!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- Scorpions would be good. They're too small to do much. - Apart from kill you.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04You're meant to be sorting out the laundry.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- Can you go upstairs now, please? - It was only a suggestion.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12Clearly, from what Jake all but said, there is a boy in his year
0:11:12 > 0:11:17called Oliver selling drugs, and according to his year list,
0:11:17 > 0:11:21there's only one other boy in the year called Oliver,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23and it's that one.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Do we know him?- Well, he only came this year, bit of a golden boy,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28captain of the football team.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- All right, sweetheart? - If I become a Catholic,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32will I be allowed to eat bacon?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Yes.- Oh, that's all right, then.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- We can't just sit on this information.- I don't know, Sue.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41If Jake was selling drugs and some other parents found out,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43you'd want them to tell us, wouldn't you?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Yeah, but what evidence do we quote?
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Some slip of the tongue from Jake and some gossip from Ben.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Oh, it's such a difficult call.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55If we get it wrong, it could all get very messy.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- It could make life very tricky for Jake.- Yeah, maybe I'm overreacting.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- I mean, it is only one kid. - Do I really need to go to this?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04It's your first parents, evening,
0:12:04 > 0:12:08and it's so everybody can discuss how you're settling in.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- But I'm settling in fine. I mean, they gave us mentors.- Mentors?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- That's a good idea.- I got given a year ten called Andrew.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Right. And what sort of helpful stuff has he told you?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19He says there's no CCTV behind the cricket nets,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22and to remember they can't search your underpants.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Can we get a tiger, then? Because I saw this video
0:12:26 > 0:12:28on YouTube of two people who had a pet tiger
0:12:28 > 0:12:31in their house, and it was fine,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35provided you that you don't turn your back on the tiger.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Because then it might mistake you for prey.- Is that so?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40OK, everyone, let's go!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43If I'm a Catholic, will I be allowed to drink alcohol?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45It's virtually compulsory.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Why couldn't I go to Tanya's instead?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Because she didn't invite you.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56- Well, Tanya's fun. I'm bored with this family.- All right, Karen.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Couldn't I have at least stayed home instead?
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Well, that would be illegal, Karen,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- because nine-year-olds have to be with someone.- Why?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07I don't know. Imagine something happened. What if there was a fire?
0:13:07 > 0:13:12If there was a fire, I would leave the house in an orderly fashion,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- assemble myself at the fire-assembly point...- Karen.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- ..and await further instructions. - Right, well...
0:13:17 > 0:13:22- Where is our fire-assembly point? - Well, we haven't got one, really.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23You tell me all these things
0:13:23 > 0:13:26about being a responsible parent and stuff,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29but you don't even have a fire-assembly point.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30So, if I look after her,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I can go to Max's after band practice? That's the deal, yeah?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Yeah, OK.- Right, come on, Karen.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Oh, what do you know, a policeman. Cos you really need one here.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Ready to kettle the threat to public order that is a parents' evening.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45We could report Ben's mugging.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Yeah, OK. No, he's one of those toy policemen.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51He'll only give us a leaflet. OK, Ben.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Hey, Ibrahim!
0:13:52 > 0:13:57- Oh, no, no, Ben, don't wander off! - Hello, there!- Oh, hi!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I wasn't expecting to see you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Yes, well we've got a daughter in this year, Kara.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Pete, this is Jenny and Martin. Oliver's parents.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Oh, right, Oliver, the...star.
0:14:15 > 0:14:21Yes, well, he's settled in really quickly. Thank goodness.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Because we had to take him out of his old school.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27We had no choice, really,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30because there was a boy selling drugs to pupils.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- Can you believe that?- God.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37The truth of it is the whole school was awash with drugs.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Apparently, it's a lot better now.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Is it? Well, actually... well...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46They should've got to the bottom of it,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48found out the facts and acted on them.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- Martin's a lawyer.- Right. A lawyer.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Well, we're suing them, obviously. - Suing them.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56To be honest, you can't just blame the school.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Some of the parents must have known.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I mean, if someone knew your kid was involved with drugs,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04you'd want them to tell you, wouldn't you?
0:15:04 > 0:15:09- Ah...- Well, absolutely. We... We... We'd want them to tell...
0:15:09 > 0:15:15- We...would?- Exactly! - Well, interestingly...
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Ooh, Mr Maynard's free. Sorry, if we can just nip in. Catch you later.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23We've got to tell them now.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26You heard what she said, and she's right.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Yes, but we still can't be sure that their son....- Come on!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31What they said all but confirmed it.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Come on, Mr Blain's free. Don't worry about the smell, it's him.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42I think I'll do like a big, raspy, Kings Of Leon vocal on this one.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- Go easy, don't forget your asthma. - Do you play Michael Buble songs?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48(LAUGHS) No!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51But you like Michael Buble.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54No, I don't! She's getting confused.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58But you sing along with him in his videos.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Yes, ironically! I'm being ironic, sending him up.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- So whose songs do you play? - We write our own songs.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07- Ooh. Are these the lyrics?- No!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Why does he want to do that to his bitch?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Hi, Mr Blain. Do you want Ben to sit in?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Actually, Ben, erm...
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Why don't you relax over there while I have a chat with your mum and dad?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Okey-dokey.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28The first thing I should say about Ben is that he's very bright.
0:16:29 > 0:16:35But in teaching terms, he is...quite...erm...
0:16:37 > 0:16:40He's quite... He's quite...
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- He's quite challenging.- Challenging?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48He's challenging, yeah. Erm...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50But don't get me wrong,
0:16:50 > 0:16:54I find no fault at all with his enthusiasm for chemistry,
0:16:54 > 0:17:00none at all, it's just that combination of energy and curiosity
0:17:00 > 0:17:05and impulsiveness, it does cause certain health-and-safety issues.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Is there anything we can do?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Possibly, um...
0:17:09 > 0:17:14If you could get him to address his fascination for sulphuric acid...
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Mr and Mrs Brockman. - Hi, do you want Ben to...?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Ben, why don't you relax over there
0:17:23 > 0:17:25while we chat through the boring stuff, eh?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Right, well, teaching Ben is very, um...
0:17:36 > 0:17:40..stimulating, and he's got a real passion for history.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45Which is good, obviously, although it can have a downside.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47For instance, his presentation about the Middle Ages.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- Is this his re-enactment of the symptoms of the Black Death?- Yes.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Quite a few pupils found it very frightening.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56In fact, Lucy Barker was off school for two days.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I should have checked what he was planning to do,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02although it was very sudden,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04the way he threw himself to the ground
0:18:04 > 0:18:07and started frothing at the mouth.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10That was... Well, I still haven't worked out how he did that.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Can I go for a walk?
0:18:12 > 0:18:17- No, I'm responsible for you. - Then where's the fire-assembly point?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Up my arse.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22You're Tanya's big brother, aren't you?
0:18:22 > 0:18:27- That's right.- Tanya's cool. I'm one of her friends.- Are you?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- Yeah, I'm turning Catholic.- Really?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- So, which dwarf are you, then?- What?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Tanya gives all her friends dwarf-y nicknames.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Dopey, Grumpy, Frumpy, Stinky, Clingy. Which are you?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- I dunno.- I think you might be Clingy.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Karen, you're getting in the way. Just go and sit over there.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52THEY PLAY
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Hello, Mr and Mrs Brockman. Hello, Ben. Actually...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I'll go and sit over there.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05Well, teaching Ben is very, very...special.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Right.- The first term, it's always hard settling in.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Yeah, it must be weird for him, having an older brother here.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13A brother?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Yes, Jake Brockman, year 11.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- Jake? Ben is Jake's brother?- Yes.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- Jake is Ben's brother?- Yes.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Right, not a half-brother with a different...?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27No, brother.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Right, crikey.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- It's clearly four and four! - No, it's not, it's two and four!
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- Your guitar sounds stupid anyway! - It's two and four!
0:19:38 > 0:19:39This is so difficult.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- Maybe you're right, maybe we should just tell them.- It's just...
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Excuse me.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Any chance we could just nip in ahead of you?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51You're Ben's parents, so you might take quite a long time.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55No, be our guest. Where is Ben?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59He's over there, playing imaginary cricket with Ibrahim.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Hello again.- Oh, hello.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Are you waiting to see Mr Hunslet?- Yes.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- About Ben?- Yes.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Is there any chance we could...? - Please, go ahead.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Is Kara with you?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Oh, no, her brother's looking after her at home.- Oliver?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Good grief, no! No, George, our eldest.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Oliver doesn't do babysitting.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23He's bought a scooter, so he's whizzing about everywhere,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25all hours of the day and night.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30- One of his friends rings up and he's off, all over town.- That's nice.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Look, the thing is...
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Yes?
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- Well, the thing is...- What?
0:20:38 > 0:20:39This is the thing.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Ralph's Great Dane has just had puppies, we could...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- No, we couldn't.- Don't shout!
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- How were you going to tell them? - I've really no idea.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I just set off before I'd worked it out.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Maybe we should tell the school, let them deal with it.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Erm...
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Yes, we are, and no, you can't.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Mr and Mrs Brockman.
0:21:15 > 0:21:21As Ben's form teacher, I'm here to give the overview, as it were,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24and I have to say I find Ben...
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Challenging. Stimulating? Special?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32No, I was going to say a pain in the arse, if I'm honest.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Oh, OK, fair enough.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37I mean, very bright and all that, and very popular,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40but, I mean, there've been quite a few issues.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- OK, let's see what we've got here. - He's got his own file?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Oh, yes.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52SOBBING
0:22:04 > 0:22:08But those 19 incidents apart,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12you know, he is slowly settling in. Anything you'd like to ask me?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Well, this doesn't relate to Ben,
0:22:17 > 0:22:22but we are concerned that there may be a drug problem in the school.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- Is this an official complaint? - Erm...we're not sure.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Because obviously, if it was an official complaint,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31the school would have to take it extremely seriously,
0:22:31 > 0:22:36and that would... That would set in motion a number of procedures...
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Good, well...
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Provided there was evidence, hard evidence...
0:22:41 > 0:22:46- Do you have hard evidence? - Well, um...ish.
0:22:46 > 0:22:52Well, not first-hand evidence, as such.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55More, erm...
0:22:55 > 0:22:58More, second-hand evidence.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Sort of...rumour...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04from a...source.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07How reliable is this source?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- BEN:- I can't kill him!
0:23:11 > 0:23:15W-We don't want to make an official complaint.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Alrighty, well, if that's everything. Only...
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Actually, there is something else.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Ben has already been mugged twice this term.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- Class average, I'm afraid.- What's the school going to do about it?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Well, what can we do?- You could ask for plain-clothes patrols...
0:23:33 > 0:23:37We've suggested that, but the police say
0:23:37 > 0:23:39they have other manpower priorities.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Like booking me for speeding at two in the morning
0:23:42 > 0:23:44on a perfectly clear road.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Look, I happen to be a teacher,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50and I feel that this school is not taking
0:23:50 > 0:23:52its responsibilities seriously enough.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55You have a duty of care.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Whose child is this, please?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Only I found her wandering in the car park.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08OK, settle down. No gymnastics, all right?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11What do you make of my teachers? I'd like to be a teacher.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12You want to be a teacher?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- If the wrestling doesn't work out. - A teacher?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Yeah, like you, but less moany.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Teaching's great, because you go on school trips even when you're old.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Yeah, I mean, obviously, teaching is...brilliant,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27but there are other career options that you...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- I'd like a job involving travel.- Like?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- An explorer, or a human cannonball. - Human cannonball?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34I could be a doctor, I guess.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Now, that's... That's good.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39And then, when I get good enough,
0:24:39 > 0:24:43I could create an eight-foot, massive human with bullet-proof skin.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- I was thinking of healing. - And laser vision.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49When you're dead, I could take your arm, and then maybe one of your legs.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Cos you're quite tall.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- I haven't got an organ-donor card. - You'd be dead!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- I'm not sure these are careers. - I could be a Paratrooper.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I'm not really sure if they have parachutes or not.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Well, you'd hope they would. How are they going to land?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05You're right, Mummy. Tanya is a right cow.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I never said that.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Yes, you did, to Daddy, when you didn't know I was on the toilet.
0:25:11 > 0:25:17I think I need some new friends. I'll go on Facebook tomorrow and get some.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20And I don't want to be Catholic anymore.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Right.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25They have all these silly rules about women,
0:25:25 > 0:25:29and I think it would have been hard for me to become Pope.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Well, it's their loss.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Or I could be, like, an overlord, or warlord,
0:25:36 > 0:25:41and, like, I sit in my big, kind of, throne room,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44with one of my dead enemies as a footrest.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47It's much easier just getting a degree and then...
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Yeah, but then for that you've got to do all that work...
0:25:51 > 0:25:55These are all interesting career options, but I think you could aim a bit higher.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00Because unusual kids like you often end up doing something exceptional.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I'm unusual? How am I unusual?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07You know...
0:26:07 > 0:26:10You're... There's a thing...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Night night.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Can I become Archbishop of Canterbury?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Maybe one day. - What's Canterbury like?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Does it have a Nandos?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Probably.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Ben did a drawing of me as a dragon.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I rather liked that.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I've just put the milk bottles out.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36There are two foxes sitting, waiting by the gate.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- Well, it's bins night.- Jake's late.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Back by 10:30, we said. - What time is it now?
0:26:42 > 0:26:4410:33. Shall we ring him?
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- Best not, it'll feel like we're anxious.- But I am anxious.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49So am I, but we don't want to communicate
0:26:49 > 0:26:51our anxiousnessness-ness to him, do we?
0:26:51 > 0:26:55I suppose you're right. I could text him.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57It's a less anxious version of a phone call.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02- No, look, he's only a few minutes late, he'll be back in a sec.- OK.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06SIREN WAILS
0:27:06 > 0:27:09If he's not back by 10:38, I'll text him.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- 10:40 maybe.- Yeah, 10:40.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15We were right to let him stay out, weren't we?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Yeah, of course we were.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23You've got to let them take risks. It's just working out which ones.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27I am going to have a chat with Ben about the sulphuric acid, tomorrow.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I didn't want to make him excited at bedtime.
0:27:29 > 0:27:3310:35. I could text him, I could make it jokey.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35We said 10:40.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38TV: 'The body of a young man...'
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Text him.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44DOOR OPENS
0:27:44 > 0:27:50- Hi.- Hi.- Hiya.- Sorry, the bus took ages. You weren't worried, were you?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- Good God, no. Not in the least. - Not in the slightest.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Right, well, I'll just go up to bed then.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Night night. - Night night, nice to have you back.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- Why did you say that for? - I don't know.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06You've communicated anxiety to him now.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09I couldn't help it, it just came out.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Do you think that Oliver tried selling drugs to Jake?
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Well, maybe.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17I don't know we just have to trust in his commonsense, don't we?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Suppose so. We did do the right thing
0:28:19 > 0:28:21about Oliver and the drugs, didn't we?
0:28:21 > 0:28:24We couldn't just sit on that information,
0:28:24 > 0:28:26that would have been irresponsible.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28We had to tackle it somehow.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31And we were right to bring it to the attention of the school.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34They won't know that anonymous note was from us, will they?
0:28:34 > 0:28:37No, I did it in block capitals, we'll be fine.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:42 > 0:28:45E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk