0:00:02 > 0:00:05- I could be handcuffed and suspended in a block of ice.- Mmm.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07That's a lot of work for a school talent competition.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Yes.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11It's great you're taking part.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Yes. Stupid machine.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Or I could do the magic trick I did with Gran.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Her face when she thought I'd smashed her watch with that hammer!
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Well, you had.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23- Yeah. Still don't know what went wrong there.- Yes.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- I think it was the wrong kind of hammer.- No, I said "yes".
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Still, Gran likes her new watch.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30I'm not wearing them!
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Karen, if both socks have got a hole in them, then they match.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Just put them on! Oh.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37I didn't say "no."
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Yeah, just now. You said, "No, I said 'yes'".
0:00:41 > 0:00:42No. Yes, yes!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I could sing. (AS LOUIS ARMSTONG) # And I think to myself...#
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Go back.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- # What a wonderful world. # - Go back.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52The only disadvantage to singing is that you can't.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I've got tons of other ideas.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Impractical.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Illegal.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Suicidal.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Ben, you don't even know what the Wall of Death is.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- Go back.- Ooh, I know what I could do.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I could do lion-taming with Rottweilers.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- You absolute... - Or juggling lobsters and crabs.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Or I could wrestle a bear.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20- I just don't under...- No-one would get hurt because it'd be trained.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Where will you get a trained bear?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- You can obviously find them on the Internet.- Unbelievable.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29What about those kinda stunts? I could hold my breath under water.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Or you could not hold it under water? And drown?!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36KAREN HUMS
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- If I tried sword-swallowing. - No.- Or chain-saw swallowing.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47But then they wouldn't let me do it. I could do it with like a mop
0:01:47 > 0:01:50because I think the people that clean afterwards have some of them.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54So you're going to put a day's worth of bacteria into your stomach?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55No, the wooden bit!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Accounts.- That's worse. The cleaners' hands have been on it.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03- They're cleaners, they obviously have clean hands.- No-o.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Or I could have like a choir of parrots.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07A choir. Of parrots?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11KAREN HUMS: "Hole In The Wall" theme
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Bring on the wall!
0:02:13 > 0:02:18MAKES SOUND EFFECTS
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Ben! Teeth!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22You shouldn't discourage him like that.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25It's not good for his confidence.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Will it be good for his confidence when the whole school laughs at him? - DOORBELL
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Who's that?- A man in a suit.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35See what he wants, and if he's a cold caller, just do your stuff!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37OK.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Go ba... Oh, f...
0:02:40 > 0:02:44No, I do not want to start again.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49I want to kill myself.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Certainly. To kill myself!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Hello.- They're busy.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Um, can I speak to your mum or dad?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00You've just asked the question I answered.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Mum and Dad don't speak to cold callers.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- I'm not a cold caller. - Do we know you?- No, but...
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Did we know you were going to call? - No, however...
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I think that makes you a cold caller.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I think this competition will be good for Ben.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- I'm worried about him settling in at school.- Well, that's good.- Eh?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Well, that'll stop you worrying about Jake being up to something.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Oh, God, Jake, yeah. Yeah, he keeps putting up all these defences.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Well, maybe if you stop trying to break into his Facebook page.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- You should give up.- I'm not a cold caller and this is very important.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- The lady from BT said that.- Your mum and dad are not going to be pleased
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- when they realise you wouldn't let me talk to them.- She said that, too.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Look, try the blue house over there.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45If you get there before her helper arrives, she'll buy anything.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47But he seems to have this sixth sense.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Whichever teenage girl I pretend to be, he spots it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55And I'm using all the current slang and everything.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Yeah, you're right, I need to chillax.- Chillax?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01He's pretty low-maintenance for a 15-year-old boy.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03He's got nice friends.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Jake's got loads of friends.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Big kids come up to me and say, "You're Jailbait's brother.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- "His band's really cool." Can I have a mini eclair?- Jailbait?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Yeah, that's his nickname. Can I have a mini eclair?- Jail...bait?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Yeah. You've asked that twice. Can I have a mini eclair?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20No. Why's that his nickname?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I don't know. I mean, why am I called Casualty?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24or Ouch, or The Destructonator.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29I'm not called that, but I'd like to be. Can I have a mini eclair?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30No. Get ready for school.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- Is eating caterpillars a talent? - Only if you're a bird.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Well, Karen, I can see you are a clever little girl who isn't going
0:04:39 > 0:04:41to let me talk to your mum and dad, but perhaps you could
0:04:41 > 0:04:44let me have a little chat with Angela Bollinger.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Who's that?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Your mum's sister, Angela.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Auntie Angela is staying with you, isn't she?- No.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52She comes about once a year
0:04:52 > 0:04:55and then they smile at each other for a bit,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58and then they shout at each other for a bit.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Once, Mum kicked her up the bottom.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03But now she's married this man with a silly name that I forget.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Look, this is very important.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I'm bored now.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10OK, just take my card.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Tell your mum or dad it's vital they ring me, mmm?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Foot.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24Look, I think it may be best if we don't actually ask Jake about this.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25No, you're right.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- Because it's not like he's going to tell you.- No, no, you're right.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34Oh, God, kids these days just grow up so quickly, that's the prob...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Has someone moved my science homework?
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Why are you called Jailbait?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- What?- Why is that your nickname?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Mum, Dad...- Not now, Karen.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46It's just a name, that's all, and it's none of your business.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- But, Dad. - Just get ready for school, now!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- And I... - Dad, are cabbages flammable?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Why?- Just an idea for the talent contest, bye!
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- Why are you called Jailbait? - I need to go to school.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I knew he wouldn't answer.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I just wanted to learn from the WAY he didn't answer.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07What did you learn?
0:06:08 > 0:06:12If you're not going to work, could you attack that ironing please? Karen! School!
0:06:13 > 0:06:17If I filled the freezer with water, how big an ice cube could I make?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Will you just forget the David Blaine thing?
0:06:19 > 0:06:23You need something practical for the talent show.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- I checked some things on the Internet.- I saw - fire-eating.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I'm not doing that,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31some kids in my class have some weird phobia of fire.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Yes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Well, we know why that is, don't we?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37It turned out OK.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Mr Hunslet said he'd got bored of having eyebrows. I like Mr Hunslet.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Maybe I could be a comedian and I could, like, tell jokes.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46No, Ben, that...
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Actually, that's quite a good idea.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50DOORBELL
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Where's Karen when you need her?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Everyone laughed a lot when I farted at Uncle Bob's funeral.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Yeah, well, that was funny.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Though it was the echo as much as anything.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- And I've got this joke book. - A joke book? That sounds great.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Hi, Pete.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Angela.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Hello.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Hi.- I brought Misty with me.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15And some baggage. Luggage.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Aren't you going to ask us in? - Yes, of course.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Is Brick with you? - Not this time.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28So, you won't get to shove each other in the chest in a car park.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Hi, Ben!- Uh-oh!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Ben.- Does Mum know you're coming?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Ben, say hello. - Hello, Auntie Angela.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- DOES Sue know you're coming?- Er... - Or is this just a lovely surprise?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48To be honest, Pete, we're in a bit of a situation.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Our hotel room was double booked. Every single place we tried was full
0:07:52 > 0:07:55and this is Misty's first ever night in Europe.
0:07:55 > 0:08:01We wondered if maybe we could stay with you, just for one night?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Just one night. I'm sure that would be...
0:08:05 > 0:08:06nice.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09A skeleton walks into a pub and says,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11"I'll have a pint of lager and a mop."
0:08:11 > 0:08:15He's going to be a comedian in the school talent show.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18It's funny because he's a skeleton, so when he drinks the lager,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22it'll go right through him and then he needs the mop to clean it up.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Do you get it?- Yeah, I get it. We had a really rough...
0:08:25 > 0:08:29There's a skeleton and he goes in to a pub
0:08:29 > 0:08:31and says, "I'll have a pint of lager and a mop."
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Look, do you get it or not? Because you're still not laughing.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- Ben!- OK, well, this skeleton, he doesn't have a stomach...- Ben!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42..or a bladder, or anything like that. And he knows this.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- I expect you've got some homework.- No.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Uh-oh...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54So, Misty, would you like a drink? I've got Coke.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57No, thank you, I suffer from personal gas.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Right. Well, I've got tea, coffee.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04All the drinks you pour water onto, that don't give you gas.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- No, thank you.- So, Pete, you're a house-husband now?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10No, I'm supply teaching. I just...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- It's OK, don't feel emasculated. I think it's marvellous.- I don't...
0:09:13 > 0:09:16So, Auntie, how's things?
0:09:16 > 0:09:20- Terrific, thanks, Jake. I've become a writer.- A writer?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22They want to publish my book.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I'm meeting an editor here in London and Misty wanted to see Europe.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Oh, Jesus.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Hi, Karen! This is Misty. Is Mum with you?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- No, I ran ahead. Does she know you're here?- Karen!
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- It's a surprise.- But it's not going to be a nice surprise, though.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Cos you just fight.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Don't be silly, we won't fight.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47I'm going to my bedroom. Call me when it's all over.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50So, this book. Is it a novel?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54No, Pete, it's a self-help book. It gives advice on surviving families.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57So it's, it's you...
0:09:57 > 0:10:02giving advice about families to other people.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I've finally understood that my pain was a gift.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Hello!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11That's Sue... I'll just...
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- Sue...- Jake is going out with a 19-year-old.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- Angela's here.- What, you let her in? - 19? One-nine?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- She can't stay. - I said she could stay the night.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- How do you know?- I finally conned my way on to his Facebook page.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- What the bloody hell is Angela doing here?- She's written a book.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- 19? So this girl's...- A book? - ..four years older than him?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- What kind of book?- Hey! Did you hear about the cowboy who wore
0:10:36 > 0:10:39a paper hat, shirt and trousers? He was found guilty of rustling.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Not now, Ben.- What is rustling?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Ben, go! He's going to be a comedian.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- 19!- Angela!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48No violence now, Mum.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- 19.- Can you stop saying that?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Hi, Sue! Aren't you going to come in and say hello to your sister?
0:11:00 > 0:11:01So, let me get this straight.
0:11:01 > 0:11:08- You're giving advice on families to other people.- Yes, I am.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12She finally understood her pain was a gift.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13DOORBELL
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Karen! Door!- I've found this really good joke on Twitter.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- It's a Frankie Boyle joke. - I'm going to stop you right there.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- Well, I've already told it to Misty. - Did she laugh?
0:11:23 > 0:11:28She made some noises. I wouldn't really call it laughing as such.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Ben! It's for you!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33So, does this book draw on our family?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36A tiny bit, but enough of me and my writing.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- I hear you've got some secretarial work?- I never said secre...
0:11:40 > 0:11:44I run an office at a multimedia interconnect company.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48They provide connectivity solutions for different types of media.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- But what exactly...- I run the office, I don't know, OK?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56And how's everything with Jake? Has he got a girlfriend yet?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- Well...- Yeah, there are rumours.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01But you haven't had the big day when you meet her for the first time?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05No, but that big day will be coming soon.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- Will it?- Yes. Yes, it will.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- What the...? - That was Ibrahim at the door.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15He's given me to Ben.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I was in his attic and they didn't want me.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- His grandmother said I was the work of the devil.- He's horrible.- Ben!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Rah! - SUE SCREAMS
0:12:24 > 0:12:27So, I'm going to do my act and then you've got to heckle me,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29so I can practise my put-downs.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Well, we are quite tired.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32OK, just do your best.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Knock knock.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Who's there?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Dwayne. Dwayne who?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Dwain the bathtub - I'm dwowning.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- You haven't heckled me yet. - You're rubbish.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Erm...
0:12:48 > 0:12:49OK, sorry. The...
0:12:49 > 0:12:53The heckling stuff is at the back.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Erm...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Erm...
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Erm...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Are you wearing those clothes for a bet?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I find him very disturbing.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Oh, it's all right, sweetie, he's only a dummy made of wood.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24No, the boy.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Who did your make-up? A clown? - Oh, that's charming.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30No, I just don't think we should rush up to him and say,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33"So, you've got a 19-year-old girlfriend".
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Every time you say, "19-year-old girlfriend",
0:13:36 > 0:13:39you've got a bit of a grin on your face.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40No, I haven't!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- It's illegal. - Well, only technically.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- No, not technically... - Only if they're...
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Do you think he's got a 19-year-old girlfriend
0:13:48 > 0:13:51and they're reading poetry to... You're doing the grin again!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52No, I'm not!
0:13:52 > 0:13:58I will now recite the alphabet whilst drinking this glass of water.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59I think we've had enough.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03A, B, C,
0:14:03 > 0:14:09- D, E...- Ben.- ..F, G, H...
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Ben, I think YOU'RE supposed to drink the water.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- What?- I think YOU'RE supposed to drink the water.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17But I'm not thirsty. He is.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19You are!
0:14:19 > 0:14:23My face at rest just happens to look like a bit of a grin, that's all.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- You admire him, don't you?- No.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27He's doing something you could only dream of as a teenager.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31OK, let's not forget you had a boyfriend - a steady boyfriend - at 14,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34which is the equivalent of about eight now.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- But he was 14, the same age as me. - I've seen the photo, he looks...
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Well, look, how would you feel if Karen was 15
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- and had a 19-year-old boyfriend? - Well...- You're not grinning now.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- Well, that would be different.- Why? - Well, because... Because...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Cos she's a girl. - I haven't said that.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- You haven't said anything yet. Why is that different?- Because...- Yes?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59We'll have a word with Jake.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I wouldn't say my mother-in-law is fat...
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Oh, Ben, please, no jokes about people with weight issues.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08..but every time she goes swimming...she gets harpooned.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- People who have had weight issues... - Well, it's not me saying it.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- People find jokes like that offensive.- Yeah, I agree with you.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17This is quite offensive. But I'm not the one saying it, he is.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Don't join their side, you traitor. You're being mean about fat people.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Rot in hell, you back-stabbing traitor.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- SUE KNOCKS - Jake.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28What?!
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Jake!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I'm in the middle of a maths problem.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Well... how's this for a maths problem?
0:15:35 > 0:15:3819 plus 15 equals a crime.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40What are you talking about?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- You and this 19-year-old girl, it's a crime.- A crime?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Yes! She could be put on the sex offenders' register.
0:15:47 > 0:15:53Whoa, cool it a bit, Mum. Anyway, it's not her fault.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Well, I think you'll find it IS her fault.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56No, it's not...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- cos she thinks I'm 17.- Why?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- That's what I told her. - Well, she should have checked.- What?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Well... She, she...
0:16:04 > 0:16:08She should have asked to see some formal means of identification.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- She did.- What?
0:16:10 > 0:16:11She's seen my ID.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Well, you mean you've got fake ID to say you're 17 years old?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18No, it says I'm 18. There's no point in having a fake ID
0:16:18 > 0:16:23- saying you're one year too young to do anything.- Right.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Come on, Mum, everyone's got fake ID. Dave's got one to say he's got diplomatic immunity.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Jake... You're... You're just...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33You're not... Pete, why aren't you saying anything?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Because you're not leaving any gaps.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- But, Jake, your mum is right. This girl, what's her name?- Victoria.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- And where does she live?- In Ealing.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Do you have any photographs of her?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Well, that's not important, is it?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49No.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52No, I'm not going in the box, I'm not going in the box!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54You are, you're going in the box.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56No, no, I'm not going in the box.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Don't ignore me, I've got another joke.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00We don't want to hear it.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02But this one's good
0:17:02 > 0:17:04and it's all about fat people.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Is this abnormal behaviour?
0:17:06 > 0:17:07I have human rights.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Not really. Not for him.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I think he's quietened down. Urgh!
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Mum's four years younger than you.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Oh, come on!- No, it's...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19What is wrong with...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22consorting with girls your own age?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Well, then I WOULD be doing something illegal.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Would you? Would he?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Erm, I'm not sure... - But you Googled it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I Googled "sex under 16"... which was a mistake.
0:17:34 > 0:17:40Look, Jake, for a start, you've got to tell this Victoria your real age.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Why? What are you going to do, go to the police?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Yes! Maybe.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- That's just stupid. That's the most...- It's not stupid.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- What will the police do? - It's me looking out for you.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Calm down, before someone says something really unfortunate.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57She always goes mental when Angela's around.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Like that.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I promise, honey, everything's going to be just...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Hi, sweetie. My, how you've grown.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Look, I don't want you to sleep in my room,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09but seeing as you are, here is a list of rules.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I'm not very likely to wee in the bed.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Auntie Maddy did.- Really?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Yes, she had too much red wine. She's a borderline alcoholic.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Is she? - She also broke rules six and eight.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- Sign in the box, please. - I don't see a box.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Of course, just below rule 27.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39But you haven't read them yet. Don't sign something you haven't read.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43That's how that woman got on the wrong side of Rumpelstiltskin.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48She doesn't have to sign because she looks too sad.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- Sue?- I couldn't sleep.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It's that band of Jake's that's the problem.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- You know what girls are like around bands.- What's that?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Oh, er, it's Angela's book.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Stumbled across it...
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- ..in her luggage.- Right...
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, I stumbled across the disk in her luggage...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15which I put back...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18..after I printed it out.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Right...- Here, listen to this.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26"Some self-help books are Band-Aids, some are bandages,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29"this book is a portal."
0:19:29 > 0:19:30A portal?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"A portal to take you back to when the hurt happened.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37"To let you relive it in a healing way,
0:19:37 > 0:19:41"which will positivise your future. Let me talk you through my past."
0:19:41 > 0:19:43"Talk to you through my arse"?
0:19:43 > 0:19:48"In my family, my sister was a mani...pulator."
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Maybe stop there.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"She hooked my MOM like a drug pusher,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"gave her love until she got used to it.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00"Then she took it away and forced my MOM to buy it hit by hit."
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Or...stop there?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Mom! Mom!- Sue...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07We didn't have a "Mom", we had a bloody "Mum".
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Let's not have a fight with her about this.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12"She finally found the man she'd been looking for.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17"A weak but angry man, who avoided all confrontation,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20"who she could hook like she hooked MOM."
0:20:20 > 0:20:22"Weak and angry"? And I avoid confrontation, do I?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Well, I tell you what, tomorrow morning, at bloody breakfast...
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Are you two fighting?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31No. No, sweetheart, come on.
0:20:31 > 0:20:37- Why are you awake at this time of night?- Are you sure?
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Yeah. Really.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46We're not fighting. We want to fight Auntie Angela.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47A bit.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Why do families fight so much?
0:20:51 > 0:20:57Well, they fight mostly because they...they love each other.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Did Henry VIII love Anne Boleyn?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Well, yes, in a sense, he loved her too much, because he ended up...
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Chopping her head off.- Yes.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09In front of hundreds of people. What about Richard III?
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- What about Richard III? - He locked up those princes so they starved and died.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Come on.- Come on, it's...- Did they actually love each other...?
0:21:16 > 0:21:17SHE SNEEZES
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Bless you.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21So why do families fight?
0:21:21 > 0:21:26Listen, families are like democracy - really rubbish,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28but better than the alternatives.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Do you want a carry upstairs, for old time's sake?- OK.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- And don't worry about fighting. - Oh, I don't.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I like watching it.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40So, the big fight's going to be at breakfast?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Er...yep.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47So, yeah, er, Dad. This is how I'm going to do it, OK?
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Hello, School! He's Junior. "And he's Jen."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- I could see your lips moving.- So?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55You're not meant to see your lips moving.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57So close your eyes.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59And also, he called you "Jen".
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Maybe he has a speech impediment. He's a dummy. It's his own life!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04But I'm just trying to...
0:22:04 > 0:22:07"Keep quiet, blondie!" Don't talk about my sister that way.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- You're both dummies! - Why are you watching this?!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Hiya!- Hiya.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20Karen, go get dressed. Go on.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25So, the book, much about me in it?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Not much, no, the odd mention now and then.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32What sort of mention? A nice mention?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's mostly affectionate.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37It's just...
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Ben, can you and Junior please go get ready for school?
0:22:42 > 0:22:46"That was your fault." No, it wasn't, it was your fault.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- Have got you any skimmed milk? I find...- You call me a drug pusher!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51You've read it!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53You say I'm controlling, small-minded.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- You got it out of my suit... - And you say the bike Mum bought me was better than yours.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01- Yours was way better. - That is a totally unacceptable invasion of privacy.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- We can get an injunction to stop you publishing.- No, you can't.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Yes, we can. We've looked into it.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Between last night and breakfast?
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Lawyers get to work very early.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Oh, you're just jealous of my success.
0:23:13 > 0:23:19Oh, I should take that book and shove it up your...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- portal. - Why are you so angry?- Me, angry?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25That book is the angriest thing I've ever read.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- Oh, that's big coming from you. You're the angriest of anyone! - Don't be ridiculous.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35- You're the angry one. - OK, OK, everyone's angry. Where's my backpack?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37They're all very angry, apparently.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Misty, we're leaving straight after breakfast.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I'm going to need the number for a cab.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- BOTH: 0207... - 946 0505.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50You know, it's good sometimes that I come back to suburbia.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53It reminds me exactly why I...
0:23:55 > 0:23:56God.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59I know you hate me, but...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04..are you working with Brick?
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Brick?
0:24:05 > 0:24:10Sneider and Morpego. This card is from his attorneys.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I've no idea what that is.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Is Brick paying you?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- Oh, that's the card from the man. - What man?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22The man that called yesterday and said he wasn't a cold caller.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- He asked if Angela was here. - And what did you say?
0:24:25 > 0:24:30Well, I said "no" obviously because you weren't here yesterday.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Why didn't you tell us this? - I tried to.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37But you were too busy arguing with Jake about his nickname.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Have you seen my trainers? Oh, oh, I know where they are.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47Oh, don't worry, sweetie, why don't you go and pack your things?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Me and Brick split up badly.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56He was psychologically abusive, especially to Misty,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59so I left him and I took her with me.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- But, Brick being Brick... - I liked Brick.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Ben.- I liked him cos he was called Brick.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Ben, can you just...?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09"I liked Brick too." You didn't know Brick. "Yes, I did."
0:25:09 > 0:25:12No, you didn't. "Yes, I did." No, you didn't.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15So you've done a runner with Brick's daughter?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I had to, Pete, he's evil.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23He had his first wife committed and, anyway, now he's traced us to London
0:25:23 > 0:25:26and I've got nowhere to go.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32Unless, of course, I could stay here for a couple of hours,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35just until I sort out a hotel.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39- OK, but I want you out by lunchtime. - Out by lunchtime? Absolutely.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44All this stuff about Brick, you didn't put it in the book.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47The publisher said to save it for the sequel.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Angela?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Whoo-hoo! Alone at last.
0:26:13 > 0:26:18- She's a difficult woman to get rid of. I was thinking of calling Rentokil.- Dad.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23- Have you phoned Victoria, like we agreed?- Erm...- Come on, Jake, have you or haven't you?- Erm...
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Hi, Pete.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What the hell are you still doing here?
0:26:29 > 0:26:34- I'm sorry, all the hotels were booked out.- No, they weren't.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- I told you he wouldn't believe you. - I did the talent show.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Brick's cut off my cards.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Everyone laughed a lot.- Great. - But in the wrong places.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I've no money. We can't go.
0:26:43 > 0:26:48I tried telling them. I shouted, "Stop laughing", but it just made them laugh even more.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51It was all Junior's fault. I've had enough. I'm going solo.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- Where are all the Jaffa Cakes? - I think Misty had those.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Oh, hi, Ben, how did you get on with the talent con...?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- Jesus, you're still here.- Yes.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03She hasn't got enough money for a hotel room.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07I haven't got money for anything. I'm stuck here.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10When you say "here", what exactly do you mean by...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12MOBILE BLEEPS
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Text from Misty.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19She's having one of her bathroom traumas. She has a fear of flush toilets.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23We need to talk about this, you can't just... Hey! Come back here!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I'm coming!
0:27:25 > 0:27:26So, what you going to do?
0:27:26 > 0:27:32- Never mind what WE'RE going to do. Have you done what you were supposed to do?- Sorry?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33This girl, have you told her?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- I'm not allowed to use my mobile at school.- Ring her now.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37She's working.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Working? You said she was a student.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Yeah, but she's got a part-time job.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46- Doing what?- In entertainment. - Doing what?- She's a dancer.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50- What, does she dance with a dance troupe?- No, she dances on her own.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52She dances on...?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- Oh, my God! - Is there a pole involved?
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Sometimes.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01You're going out with a 19-year-old lap dancer?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03No, she's not a lap dancer, lap dancers are cheap.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06She's a pole dancer, and pole dancing is artistic.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Oh, is that what she's told you?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10No, it is artistic, I've seen her.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12He's seen her! She's... You've seen...?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14He's seen her!
0:28:14 > 0:28:17It's OK, I wasn't in the club, I was only backstage.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21With all the other naked strippers?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23You just have to be judgmental, don't you?
0:28:23 > 0:28:26- Naked strippers? - Oi, keep this out of it!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29- Mum! Dad!- Not now, Karen.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30DOORBELL RINGS
0:28:30 > 0:28:34- Who's that?- It's that man. He's back.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37The guy that's looking for Auntie Angela.
0:28:42 > 0:28:43DOORBELL RINGS
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd