0:00:00 > 0:00:03No, no, I pressed seven, but the man on seven
0:00:03 > 0:00:07said I had to press three, and you're three.
0:00:07 > 0:00:14No. No. Well, the point is you have sent me a bill I can't possibly pay.
0:00:16 > 0:00:22I can't pay it because it is for the sum of
0:00:22 > 0:00:25zero pounds, zero, zero pence.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27So, eh, I am just notifying you that...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30What do you mean, I've got to pay it?
0:00:32 > 0:00:36I've got to pay you the sum of zero pounds
0:00:36 > 0:00:39or else the computer won't understand?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41OK, fine.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45So, how are we doing, team? HE SIGHS
0:00:45 > 0:00:50Ow! Ow, God. It's static! It's this cardigan.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I feel like a ball of electricity. It's like being one of the X-Men.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Knitwearwoman.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00- So how was school? - Still there.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Ow! Oh.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Cheerier than yesterday.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Yeah, she should have settled in by now.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I thought once the first term was over she'd be OK, but...
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Well, you know, big school, takes a lot of getting used to.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Took me months to start making friends.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I remember one day the other kids grabbed my scarf
0:01:19 > 0:01:23and threw it on the railway line...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25..And then my shoes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:26And my trousers...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And my underpants.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31And there was another time, at the sports ground...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Is this going to be the anecdote about the time you got
0:01:33 > 0:01:37- lashed to the roof of the minibus?- Possibly.- OK.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I think the big thing she's struggling with is not being the star turn.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45I mean, academically, these kids are much stronger.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I don't know, maybe we've got the wrong school.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Maybe we should have sent her to St Mungo's.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Maybe. I've heard horror stories. - About St Mungo's?
0:01:53 > 0:01:58Well, Frank Pringle says that his son has already been offered drugs twice.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- Once by an RE teacher.- Do you think we've made the right choice?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Well, we'll never know for certain.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Besides, is it the school that's the problem or is it her? She's not exactly...
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- FRONT DOOR SLAMS - Hiya.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16Why does he always slam the door like that? Every time.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Can you not slam the door?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Did I slam it?- Yes. The windows are still rattling.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You're a bit late.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24- Had an audition.- Oh.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26For the lower school show. It's a musical.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30I bet it's Oliver! Yeah, it'll be Oliver! Schools always do Oliver!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- No, it's Spartacus. - A musical about Spartacus?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Yeah.- I didn't know there was a musical about Spartacus.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38There isn't yet. Mr Farthingwell is writing it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Mr Farthingwell?
0:02:41 > 0:02:42The new music teacher.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45The one that let Ben borrow the school drum kit over Christmas.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oh, yes... I remember.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Anyway, it's going to be awesome.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53There's songs, gladiator fights and we have a sea-battle.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57And you're auditioning for a singing part...?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Yeah. - ..that involves singing?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Yeah.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Well, good for you! That's really great that you're having
0:03:08 > 0:03:11a crack at something outside your comfort zone.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15But just... You know, just remember that an audition can be...
0:03:15 > 0:03:19You know, there's always a chance that you might be disappointed.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21It won't bother me if I don't get a part.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Mr Farthingwell says if I don't get a part, I can do the lights.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- The lights? With electricity?- Yeah.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32I really like Mr Farthingwell. He has some really big ideas.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35At his last school, he put on a musical about Salman Rushdie.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Right...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- And how did that go?- Fine.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43He had to have a policeman outside his house for a few months... Listen to this.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"The Romans were so frightened of Spartacus and his rebels
0:03:45 > 0:03:47"that they decided to evacuate Rome."
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Well, that's the Italian army for you.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Racist joke.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53How is that a racist joke?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Hmm, no. Maybe you're right. Maybe it's just racist.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Oh, not this again.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01I'm just saying you purely assuming that all Italians are cowards is racist.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I'm not saying all Italians are cowards. I'm going on...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, so if you were going to
0:04:05 > 0:04:07pick a fight with Paolo Di Canio, do you think he...
0:04:07 > 0:04:09You wouldn't have to pick a fight with Paolo Di Canio.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- He would pick a fight with you.- So...
0:04:11 > 0:04:12I'm not a racist.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I'm not criticising you. I'm just saying,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16it's unfortunate that you have to be burdened with that mindset.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17He's got a point, Dad.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18You can't help it.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21You know that story you tell about Mr Patel at the newsagents?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24You can't tell that story without doing this weird wobbling with your head.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26He wobbles his head.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29So why is that funny? Why do you laugh at it? Why do you impersonate him?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30I don't know why it's funny. It just is funny.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32OK. Fine, well, why didn't you...
0:04:32 > 0:04:35You do what I would consider racist things.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- What about video games? They're racist.- Well, how are they racist?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40You have a towel head count.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42All right, boys. Let... Ow!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Why is it... - Maybe it's you.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Eh?- Maybe it's not the cardigan.
0:04:47 > 0:04:53Maybe it's you. Maybe your body is, you know, especially static-y.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"Static-y?"
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Yeah.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Pete Brockman - man of science.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Hey, Dad. Look at Beckham's latest tattoo.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05God, what does he look like?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06He looks good.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Used to be only sailors got tattooed.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14And now, every morning on the Tube, I'm surrounded by human billboards
0:05:14 > 0:05:18with snakes peeping out of their sleeves.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23In 40 years' time, we will be the most unattractive nation on the planet.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Everyone will be covered in very wrinkly, saggy reptiles.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I reckon, anyone who gets a tattoo needs a brain transplan...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33You've got a tattoo, haven't you?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36What?! You got a tattoo!?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- Yeah.- Where?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39In Camden Town.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40On your body!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Oh, right. Em, it's just behind my right shoulder.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44For God's sake!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Come on, then. Show us the damage.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50What were you thinking of? Honestly!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54OK, first question, what the hell is it?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Looks like a spider.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58It's the Ancient Persian word for "peace".
0:05:58 > 0:05:59What possessed you?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01It was an impulse. we were in Camden Market and...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03You were in Camden Market and you suddenly decided to get a tattoo?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05What are you, a German tourist?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Look... - How much did it cost?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Actually, it was really cheap. - That explains the green edges.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- What?- The edges are green.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Oh, right. Yeah, he said, to start with, there might be some discolouration.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Right, a cheap tattoo parlour. Smart move, Jake.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Oh, I'm sorry, but all the Harley Street tattooists were booked up!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Hey, neat spider.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24It's not a spider!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26It's Ancient Persian...for "sucker".
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I made a fashion choice, OK?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31A hat is a fashion choice. Carving into your body is...
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Mum, I'm 17.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36I'm old enough to decide to die for my country, I can choose to get a tattoo.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Well, you're not very likely to die for your country,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40although you are quite likely to die from septicaemia.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44It's just a tattoo, it's not genocide.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47HE BANGS CHAIR
0:06:47 > 0:06:48DOOR SLAMS
0:06:48 > 0:06:49SHE SIGHS
0:06:50 > 0:06:52You concentrate on the littlest one
0:06:52 > 0:06:54because you think she's the one with the problems,
0:06:54 > 0:06:59and then the one that's virtually an adult goes and does something stupid. Oh...
0:07:00 > 0:07:05Do you think Ben'll be all right if he doesn't get a part in that show?
0:07:05 > 0:07:09He's more sensitive than he lets on and everybody forgets he's only 13,
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- because he's so... - Bloody huge. Oh, he'll be fine.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Well, if it involves singing...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16You don't have to be able to sing to be in a musical.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Russell Crowe proved that.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20But Ben's got a voice like a walrus.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Again - Russell Crowe for Les Miserables.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Listen...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29You've got to stop worrying about everyone, OK?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Mum OK?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Yeah, she's OK. You OK?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Er, I'm a bit worried about something.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Oh, right. OK.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Well, come on. Let's, um... Let's chat about it, sweetheart.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46It's been worrying me for weeks.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Whatever the problem is, I'm certain we can sort it out.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52It's about Tommy.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Tommy the hamster?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Yeah. I'm worried that he's stuck under the floorboards.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Look, I think we're going to have to be realistic about this, darling.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07He disappeared down that hole two months ago,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10and, even if he is trapped, by now he...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12There's that factory that collapsed in Bangladesh
0:08:12 > 0:08:16and they found that woman weeks after it had collapsed on her, still alive.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18So we can't give up on Tommy.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I don't really think there's anything we can do.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23You said, whatever the problem was, you were certain
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- that you could sort it out. - Yeah, but that was...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Bullshit?- Hey!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Not... No.
0:08:31 > 0:08:37What I meant was any problem of a non-hamster-related nature.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Look, we did everything we could possibly do at the time, didn't we?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43We made a thorough search of the house,
0:08:43 > 0:08:47we put all those pictures of him up on the lampposts.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50You called Chris Packham on Autumnwatch...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and at his home.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57I really don't think there's anything constructively that we can do.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Well, we could take up the floorboards.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01What are you...?
0:09:01 > 0:09:06Wait. Taking up the floorboards might be a little bit expensive.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- How much would it cost? - About 2,000 hamsters' worth.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Look, I tell you what, your dad and I will have a think about it
0:09:12 > 0:09:15and we'll see what we can come up with, OK?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17OK.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21What did you say that for?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Well, she's had such a difficult time lately,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I didn't want to upset her any more.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27So what do you suggest? Cos now she's not going to be happy
0:09:27 > 0:09:31until that hamster is the focus of an international rescue effort
0:09:31 > 0:09:33and live reports from Orla Guerin.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34It's not about the hamster.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Isn't it?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39No, it's her anxiety about school coming out sideways.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41We don't have to do anything.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43We just have to be sympathetic.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46So all that stuff you said, that was...
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Bullshit.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Oh. OK. Fair enough.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I need to pick a piece for my audition. Could I try some out on you?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Erm...- I was thinking that I'm going to go with
0:09:56 > 0:09:58the Whitney Houston song, I Will Always Love You.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Right.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01That's...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03That... That's quite high.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Is it?
0:10:04 > 0:10:09Yeah, there are quite a few...top notes.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Which I'm sure you can hit, Ben, yeah.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I'll be in the shed if anyone wants me.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Stay and listen if you want.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Oh, no, no. I've got a tin ear. Your mum, she's the musical one.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19I'll catch you later.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Could you just bung me that cardigan? There's a bit of a draught in here.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Ow!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Oh, dear! You must be static-y.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32DISTANT SIRENS WAIL
0:10:32 > 0:10:34What are you doing? It's quarter past midnight.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36What do you make of this?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I sent an email to Karen's form tutor
0:10:38 > 0:10:41telling her that Karen didn't want to sit next to this girl Dionne
0:10:41 > 0:10:45because she finds her disruptive, and the form tutor's emailed back,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49saying that she takes my point, but she is...
0:10:49 > 0:10:54"Running out of classmates who Karen is prepared to sit next to."
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Well, that's fair comment, isn't it?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58It just got me thinking, that's all.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Maybe Karen isn't the only one who's having problems settling.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Maybe it's a more general problem,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06and then I thought there's a quick way to find out.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Which is? - Ask the other parents.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09So I'm sending them all an email.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10In God's name, no.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- What?- You cannot send an email at 12:15am.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Why not?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Because you will start one of those late night email firestorms.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Don't be ridiculous.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25You should never, ever, send an email asking someone's opinion
0:11:25 > 0:11:26after eleven o'clock at night.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Well, actually, I've already sent it.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30That's insane.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35All I've done is ask for the input of 30 or so adults.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Many of whom will have half a bottle of Merlot inside them
0:11:37 > 0:11:41and be just itching to pour out their gripes.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Rubbish! This is exactly the kind of group consultation
0:11:44 > 0:11:47that email is perfect for.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- EMAIL ALERT - There you are. I've already got a reply.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57That's a lot of capital letters, isn't it?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Well, she's obviously a concerned mother who's...
0:12:01 > 0:12:08who's a bit upset about the fact that the school has failed to make
0:12:08 > 0:12:12the connection between her child's pyromania
0:12:12 > 0:12:15and... And the fact that she is exceptionally gifted.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Right.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18EMAIL ALERT Oh, there's another one.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Whoa!- Oh.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Look at the exclamation marks on that!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Well, again, he's a... - Concerned father?
0:12:25 > 0:12:29..who's a bit concerned about the quality of the teaching staff.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34First time I've seen the word "wankers" spelt with a Z.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36EMAIL ALERTS Oh, you've got another five replies.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39No, six. You have hit a grievance gusher.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Yeah...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44You're not replying, are you?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46You can't not reply to a reply. That's rude.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49EMAIL ALERTS You've already poked the hornet's nest,
0:12:49 > 0:12:50you don't want to carry on whacking it.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53In a way, this response is quite reassuring
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- because Karen is obviously... - EMAIL ALERT
0:12:55 > 0:12:57..not the only one with concerned parents.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I'm not concerned. I'm going to bed.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01EMAIL ALERT
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- 13. - EMAIL ALERT
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- 14. - EMAIL ALERT
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- 15. - EMAIL ALERT
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- SIGHS - 16.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12EMAIL ALERTS
0:13:14 > 0:13:16That thing is the king of toasters.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I'll tell you a way to make friends at a new school, Karen.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Do something mental.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21I don't do mental.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24My second day, I got this huge tray, and I
0:13:24 > 0:13:27sledged down the roof of the music block. After that, I had tons of friends.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- And a surgical collar.- Yeah, I got them all to sign it.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Why don't you join a band? That's a good way to make friends.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Or be the funny girl.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36You could, like, create all the jokes and stuff
0:13:36 > 0:13:38and you could make, like, a song up about your teacher,
0:13:38 > 0:13:43and then put it on the internet. But, remember, wear a mask or something
0:13:43 > 0:13:46cos, well, I didn't, and you need to hide your identity.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48How's the shoulder, Spider-Boy?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Fine. - Good, good. How about you, Karen?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52How are you? Raring to go?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Got double English today. You like English, don't you?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Dad, I did some research.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01There are these things called thermal imaging cameras.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02We could hire one.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Tommy's gone. He's not going to have survived for two months on his own.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- Why not?- Because he's a hamster, not Bear Grylls.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Yeah, all right.- Hamsters are domestic pets. You don't see David Attenborough documentaries
0:14:12 > 0:14:13about hamsters roaming the open plains.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- OK, that's...- Tommy's natural environment is a wheel.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18You're just grumpy because your spider's going green.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19It's not a spider!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Oh. Jeez, look at the time. Come on, Karen.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Chop chop, cos you're going to miss your bus.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26And no fluorescent socks!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Better check the travel news.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30See if the District Line has phoned in sick again.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Why didn't you send Karen to the same school as me and Jake?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Well, every child is different.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Yeah, no two kids are the same.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43She just said that.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Yeah. And I was I was reinforcing it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- I mean, it was a tight decision.- Yes.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- Eh, we felt that, um... - On... On balance,
0:14:51 > 0:14:58em, the school Karen's at is known for...having lots of structure.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Structure, that's right.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04And, eh, the school is a school with a more...scholastic approach.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08So, in the end, we felt, eh, Karen would perhaps
0:15:08 > 0:15:14benefit from being challenged, academically speaking.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Are you saying she's brighter than us?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18- No.- Not at all.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- No. No way. - The reverse.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Um...- Cos actually what we actually are saying
0:15:23 > 0:15:27is that every child has different needs.
0:15:27 > 0:15:34And one chooses a school which is best tailored to that child's needs.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Better shift.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I think they bought it.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49LORRY BEEPS
0:15:49 > 0:15:51FRONT DOOR CLOSES Ben?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53No, the slam wasn't deafening enough!
0:15:55 > 0:15:56What are you doing?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Psychology essay.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01While watching TV, listening to music and Facebooking.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Mm-hmm. I'm multitasking.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07There's no such thing as a multitasking, just doing lots of things badly.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09The correct term is "multifailing".
0:16:11 > 0:16:14The warrior returns. Feed me, wench!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Pete, this is Esme.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Hello, Mr Brockman.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Oh, hi, Esme.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Er, tea?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27(That's encouraging. She's invited a friend home.)
0:16:27 > 0:16:29(I invited her.)
0:16:29 > 0:16:34- Eh?- Yeah, I overheard her mum, struggling with some pick-ups, on the phone,
0:16:34 > 0:16:38so I volunteered to have Esme for a bit, you know, for a bit of bonding.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41So, girls, how was school today?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Anything exciting happen?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48You're very quiet, Karen.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49She got a 4L in English.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53No, it is.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Well, er, then, Karen,
0:16:56 > 0:17:00it's... It's a very good position to improve from.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Then she argued with the teacher about her bad mark,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06and because she kept arguing, we missed most of our break.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Well, she's a horrible teacher. She's obsessed with apostrophes.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Apostrophes are important. - No, they're not.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Everyone gets them wrong and they slow down your texting.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14You need punctuation.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18If you didn't have punctuation, look, the words would just crash into each other.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- You need colons and semicolons...- Really? Why?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Colons are very important. If you didn't have a colon,
0:17:22 > 0:17:26you wouldn't be able to put a smiley face at the end of your text messages.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Punctuation is stupid. It's just...
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Let's not get sidetracked, shall we?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32The thing is, Karen, you go to a school where there are a lot of
0:17:32 > 0:17:37bright kids, and it's important that you don't measure yourself
0:17:37 > 0:17:43against anyone else. You must always just measure yourself against...yourself.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45How can you measure something against itself?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It'll just be the same size.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49What was the exact mark?
0:17:49 > 0:17:5049%.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Well, that's midway.- It's slightly lower than that, actually.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Yes, thank you, Esme. You're clearly very good at maths.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57I am quite good.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01They asked me to mentor Karen cos she's struggling a bit.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Who wants some ice-cream? Ice-cream? - Yes, please.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Esme? - Oh, no, she can't have any,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11because she's lactose intolerant. Isn't that a shame?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Cake? - Oh no, not that either.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17It's got nuts, and so her face'll go like...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20..and then they'll have to stab her with an EpiPen.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- FRONT DOOR SLAMS - BEN: I'm ho-ome!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- What has that door ever done to you?- What?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Eh, Ben, this is Esme. So how did the audition go?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33With the, eh, singing?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- Brilliant.- Good. Right. So... So, you got a part?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Yeah. - Right. Which one?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- I'm Spartacus. - No, I'm Spartacus!
0:18:41 > 0:18:42- JAKE:- I'm Spartacus!
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I'm going to hear that joke a lot, aren't I?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48That's brilliant, Ben. So... So is that, em...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Is that a big part?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54I'm Spartacus in a musical called Spartacus.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57No, of course, sorry... No, but... So that's the lead?
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Yeah.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00And, em, does the lead sing songs?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Does the lead sing songs in a musical?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Yeah, I know. What I meant...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Does the lead sing many songs?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Yeah, loads.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Right.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15But Mr Farthingwell says he didn't cast me cos of my voice.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16He cast me for of my sense of attack.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18What? The way you attacked the songs?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21No. The way I attacked the other gladiators with my trident.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Are we having ice-cream?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Yeah, apart from Esme. She's lactose intolerant.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Well, scoop me in. How was your day at school, Karen?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30She got a written warning for non-regulation socks.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Yeah, well...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34And a poor mark in English.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Well, the midterm marks don't really count for much.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- They do, we have continual assessment...- Shall I drive you home, Esme?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Erm, I'm not sure my mum's home yet.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44That's all right. We can wait in the car.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Bye-bye, Esme. - Goodbye, Mr Brockman.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55There you go. Madame's ice-cream.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56What flavour is it?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Your favourite. Lemon and badger.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01I wish Esme hadn't gone.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I wanted to eat this in front of her.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Really slowly.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Yeah, I know.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11You know, being a star student, it's not the be-all and end-all.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Churchill - Winston Churchill, not the insurance dog -
0:20:15 > 0:20:19he never came top at school. In fact, most of the time he came bottom,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22but that didn't stop him leading Britain to victory in the war.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Well, maybe if he'd studied harder,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29the war wouldn't have taken him so long to win.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34No... Fair point.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40You haven't been firing off more emails to parents, have you?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44No, I was just acknowledging an email from the school about the inset day.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Oh, right. Non-intervention - that's always the best policy.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Look at Tony Blair.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52He thought he could solve the world's problems.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Now everyone hates him.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Mind you, I hated him from the start.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Too many teeth.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01So, what was Esme's mum like?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Well, sort of as you'd expect, really.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08She thinks Esme isn't being stretched enough.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I'd like to stretch her...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12on a rack...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14made of peanuts.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17When I was at school, we had a kid like her.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- He got sent to Colchester. - Coventry.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24No. They stuck him in a crate and sent him to Colchester.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28It's a bit of a worry, though, isn't it?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Karen being less popular than a girl like Esme.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- I feel so helpless, don't you? - It's because of our programming.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35- Eh?- We're of that generation
0:21:35 > 0:21:37of parents who've been conditioned to think that
0:21:37 > 0:21:39everything should revolve around our kids.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43When I was a kid, my dad and my uncle took me to watch football.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Then afterwards, they went to the pub.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46And left me in the car outside.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Every hour or so, they brought me a bottle of Tizer.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53They locked me in the car, obviously. They weren't irresponsible.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Well, what would have happened if the car caught fire?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I hadn't thought of that. God, yeah...
0:21:59 > 0:22:03And that was better, was it? Abandoning children in death traps?
0:22:03 > 0:22:09I'm just saying that, in those days, your parents just left you alone.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Yeah, I suppose we do get too involved in their lives.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19My parents didn't even help me with my homework, let alone do it for me.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Oh, have you set the alarm? - Yeah, 7:15am.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Oh, no. I need to get up at seven.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26No, it's all right because I've started setting this clock 15 minutes fast.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Why?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Because then, when I get up, it's a nice surprise
0:22:30 > 0:22:32when I realise I've got more time than I thought I had.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Right...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Well, that explains why I've been getting to work so early.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46BATTLE NOISES AND HORSES ON TV
0:22:57 > 0:22:58What's this?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Spartacus - the movie. I'm doing research.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05He just ambushed the Romans with flaming logs.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I'm going to mention that to Mr Farthingwell as a possible finale.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10See that chin?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Kirk Douglas.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14We had proper film stars back then.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Proper men. None of your pasty-faced pretty boys
0:23:17 > 0:23:20who're all cheekbones and can only play vampires.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24You left out the bit about how the tigers weren't all built by computers.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Well, I still say that Life of Pi would have been a lot more exciting
0:23:28 > 0:23:33if he'd been trapped in that boat with a real tiger...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Certainly a lot shorter.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41They've only sent me a reminder for zero pounds and zero, zero pence.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43It's unbelievable.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- Dad? - Yeah?
0:23:45 > 0:23:50Um, I was considering the option
0:23:50 > 0:23:52of maybe having the tattoo removed.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Ah, right.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Yeah, so, I mean, any idea how much a tattoo removal might cost?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00No, because I've never been dim enough to get myself tattooed.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02And the answer to your next question is no.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05You're going to have to pay for it out of your own money.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07What's all this?
0:24:07 > 0:24:11That's some quotes from a company who hire out thermal imaging cameras.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Oh, for... She's not still banging on about that hamster, is she?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Yeah, she's pretty thick for someone who was too bright to go to our school.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Oh, right. They didn't buy it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26So where is the girl? Tunnelling under the floorboards?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Um, no. She's up in her room. She's... She's had a few problems today.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31What are these problems?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34SHE SIGHS Well, do you remember
0:24:34 > 0:24:37when I acknowledged the school email about the inset day?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Yeah.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Well, I sort of, um... I sort of added a little addendum,
0:24:42 > 0:24:47eh, just to say that if Karen was to be punished for the sock thing,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50then I felt the school dress code should be enforced consistently,
0:24:50 > 0:24:54cos I've seen lots of girls wearing black trainers.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Right.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Well, it seems the school took it on board because apparently today
0:24:58 > 0:25:01a lot of kids were punished for not wearing the proper school uniform.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03How is this Karen's problem?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Well, it... It's like this.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Um, so I sent the secretary the email,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- but accidentally by mistake...- Oh, no.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- ..I also sent it... - Please, no.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18..to the parents of Karen's classmates.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Oh, for f...
0:25:19 > 0:25:21It's so easily done!
0:25:21 > 0:25:25But, the really unfortunate bit is that one of the parents,
0:25:25 > 0:25:30rather irresponsibly, in my view, obviously mentioned it
0:25:30 > 0:25:34to one of the kids, and, eh, Karen has been on the receiving end
0:25:34 > 0:25:37of quite a lot of verbal abuse today.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I can't... We've talked about this, haven't we? We've talked about
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- the dangers of the urge to intervene.- I know, it's...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47This... This is Tony Blair. You are Tony Blair.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- I'm not Tony Blair. - Yes, you are. You went charging in.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54BEN: According to the Wiki, Spartacus is from Thracia.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57So I'm going to work on singing in a Thracian accent.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Just as soon as I find out where Thracia is.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Intervention invariably...
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I clicked the wrong thing! Everybody's done it. It was late.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I was multitasking.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11There is no such thing as multi...
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Choose your next words very carefully because they could be your last.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Oh... It'll blow over in the end.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22I'll go up and talk to her.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You will put in a good word for me, won't you?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Course.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Ow! Right, that's it!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33KNOCKING
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I heard you had a bit of a bad day.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I'm not going into school tomorrow.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- Oh, come on... - I'm not going.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46Mum didn't mean to cause you problems. It's just that sometimes
0:26:46 > 0:26:49things turn out badly, even if they're done with good intentions.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Like, um...
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Well, do you remember when Ben decided
0:26:54 > 0:26:58to surprise Mum on Mother's Day with a lovely cooked breakfast?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01You probably don't remember, you were very little.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I remember being carried by a fireman.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Well, that is a classic example.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09You see, Ben thought that he was doing something very kind
0:27:09 > 0:27:14and thoughtful, but it ended up with everyone getting very cross.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19Mum was cross with Ben. The firemen got cross with Mum.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I got cross with the man from the insurance company who tried to argue that
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Ben qualified as an Act of God.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28But it all began with good intentions.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Well, try telling that to the morons at my school.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Did you call them morons? - Yes.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- And did that make them back off?- No.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39No. Generally, telling people they're morons
0:27:39 > 0:27:42doesn't really help, especially if they're morons.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Cos morons are notoriously slow to catch on.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49But how am I going to get them out of my face? I've got to do something.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Listen, the best thing to do is just ignore them.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Sometimes a bad day will come along,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00but when it does what we have to do is we have to dust ourselves down,
0:28:00 > 0:28:05we have to get up and we have to face the world. OK?
0:28:05 > 0:28:07OK.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Everything will be fine, you'll see.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Can I tell them that it's all Mum's fault for being an interfering idiot?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18OK. But this conversation never happened.