0:00:02 > 0:00:04SIREN WAILS SUE: OK, everyone! Dinner in five.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09That smells nice. Is it horse?
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Probably. How was Jake's driving lesson?
0:00:11 > 0:00:15I really think that we should pay a proper instructor to teach him.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19- Why?- Because they are professionally trained to hide the terror.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24Oh, come on. Hey, boys, now, I need you to clear away your homework stuff.
0:00:24 > 0:00:29He doesn't seem to notice things. You know, important things. Solid things.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Because he's a teenager. They're dreamy.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Mentally, he's just not there.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37At one point I yelled, "Pedestrian!" and he thought it was a criticism.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40So jammy. You get to do psychology. What do I get to do?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Oxbow lake. What the hell is an oxbow lake anyway? I mean...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Mum, can I... mind if I look at the football?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48No, we are all sitting down together for once.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Psychology's so interesting.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54It is interesting until you have to study it, then it becomes annoying like everything else.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Yeah, but it's the study of the mind. Once you understand the mind, you can bend it to your will.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Like Derren Brown. He can make people think they're being attacked by zombies.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05A very useful life skill. Ben, I need this cleared.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And...and career-wise, psychology's practical.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I will never do anything that makes me work with an oxbow lake.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13But I might be a psychiatrist.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- Psychologist. - What's the difference?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Er...a psychiatrist studies diseases of the mind,
0:01:18 > 0:01:23whereas a psychologist... writes crappy self-help books.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Karen!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Tea!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Ben, could you lay the table, please?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30So, your dad was just filling me in about your driving lesson.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34- How...how do you think it went? - I need lessons from a paid instructor.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Yeah, see?- Someone who knows what they're doing.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- Well, I know what I'm doing. - It's very distracting, sitting next to someone
0:01:40 > 0:01:46- who's constantly slamming their foot into the floor.- That's a reflex, a survival instinct.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- It's the same as throwing your hands in front of your face. - Also very distracting.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And he's too vague. He says bear left, when there's loads of lefts.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57- There was one available left. - Well, I think I proved that was untrue, didn't I?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- But that left was a canal. - You said turn left so I turned left and I stopped in plenty of time.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- You didn't stop in plenty of time. - All right, I tell you what.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Why don't I take you out tomorrow?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Look, I just...I don't think it's a good idea to be taught by a family member.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Oh, it'll be fine.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Karen! Tea!
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Oh, you haven't forgotten
0:02:16 > 0:02:18that you're taking her to a swimming match tomorrow, have you?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20No, I haven't forgotten.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21I've tried to.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25You know, I think this is perfect timing, her getting on the school team.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30It'll give her a chance to settle in with the other kids, it will boost her self-confidence.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35- Isn't it her self-confidence that's cheesing off the other kids? - Well...yeah.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39But I think a lot of that's a mask,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42to hide her insecurities.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- A mask?- Yeah.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47That she's been wearing for 11 years?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Yeah.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I've got a bad feeling about this.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55When she swam for the primary school,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57it was always little tournaments and she always won,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01but this one is against that big new academy,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04the one whose kids aren't allowed into shops.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Look, it doesn't matter how she does.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11The key here is that she's finally engaged in a school activity.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- What if she doesn't win? - Well, it'll be good for her.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- I'm not thinking of her. I'm thinking of us.- Think what kind of week we'll have.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22Oh, God. Do you remember Black March, when she lost that game of Risk?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Can I eat watching Game Of Thrones? - No.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27We're all going to eat together like a prop... Now where's Jake gone?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Jake! - Need the toilet!
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Ben!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33SIREN WAILS OUTSIDE I said lay the table.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Karen!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- What...what are you doing? - I've just got to print something off.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Well, what is it? - First 50 pages of my novel.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Which one?
0:03:41 > 0:03:46The one I'm working on currently, the one about the samurai who can time-travel.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Oh, right, that one.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52- Cos Phil at work, his wife is an editor for a publisher, so...- Do you think you could do this later on?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Because the printer's playing mind games and I need to get everybody sat down.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- Where's Ben? Ben! - Back in a sec!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01SHE SIGHS Karen!
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Jake!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Kids! It's...it's like herding cats.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Karen, are you ignoring me or are you wearing your headphones?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- KAREN:- I'm ignoring you!
0:04:10 > 0:04:11She's in a foul mood.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15She picked up a detention today for commenting on the deputy head's moustache.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Oh, right, so the deputy head is ultra-sensitive about his moustache?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- HER moustache. - Oh, right.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- I don't know why Karen does this stuff.- I do. It's because of you two.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Eh?- Yeah.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30You need to challenge her behaviour, confront her more.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- HE CHUCKLES - I'm being serious.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I know. That's what's so funny.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36You need to control her. She needs boundaries.
0:04:36 > 0:04:42Well, I think you're being a bit hard on us. Isn't he?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Course he is. We brought you up. We didn't do a bad job there, did we?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Yeah. But then you just seemed to lose the hang of it.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- You cut her way too much slack. - But...
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- She treats this place like a hotel. - Oh, well, that's just rubbish.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57KAREN: Mum! I'll have dinner in my room!
0:04:58 > 0:04:59That...
0:04:59 > 0:05:03is an untypical coincidence that is just...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Karen!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08You will come down here and have your dinner with everybody else,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10like a...proper person!
0:05:11 > 0:05:12There!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- What are those?- It's part of my costume for Spartacus.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Mr Farthinglow says I can take 'em home to try and get used to them.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22He says I have to try and get myself into the mindset of a rebel slave
0:05:22 > 0:05:24taking on the might of imperial Rome.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26This is a musical, isn't it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Ben, I won't say it again. No gladiator nets at the dinner table.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- You're so strict. - There. See?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Hallelujah! We're all here, all assembled. At last we can...
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Where are you going?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- I need a shower. - We're all about to eat.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Put a plate over it. I might grab it later.- No, you'll eat it now or it's going down the toilet.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44All right, all right.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46A family should always eat together.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Yep, the Borgias always ate together.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52No, your mum's right. We should eat together.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Salt and pepper, Ben.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Karen, what was that weird thing you were doing in the bathroom earlier?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Oh, yeah, that was my victory dance for tomorrow at swimming.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Victory dance.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Yeah, I, um...make a K so I spread my arms out like this.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Yeah, K for...kin' irritating. - That doesn't look like a K.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Yeah, it does, K like... - You look like a...a deformed S.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- OK! - No, doesn't K have to be like...
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- your arms should be longer, because...- Sit down and eat! - No...- OK, OK!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Enough. Everybody, let's just eat.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29Cos I was reading this piece, yesterday, about how families never eat together any more,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33because family life has become so fragmented and antisocial.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"Really? How interesting, Sue."
0:06:38 > 0:06:44Did you know that Spartacus hid from the Romans in the volcano of Vesuvius?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Hiding in an active volcano?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Well, that's either extremely clever or fantastically stupid.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Just imagine what it'd be like to be in Pompeii when Vesuvius exploded.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Imagine being mummified in... in an embarrassing position.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Cos you would have thought that at least one person would be on the toilet.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Well, if a volcano's exploding, I imagine most of the town would be on the toilet.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Did you know what the loudest bang ever recorded was?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09You shutting the front door, I imagine.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Krakatoa. - Well, this really makes a pleasant change, doesn't it?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Us all sitting down together, having a lovely sociable meal.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Apart from Karen.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- What? - I'll get her.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21PHONE RINGS No, no, no, you stay...
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Where are you going?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Going to get Karen. - Phil.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- Could you...could you please... - Yeah, sorry. The signal's rubbish here.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28- Pete. - No, I'm sending you another lot.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30No...
0:07:30 > 0:07:31DOOR SHUTS
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Bon appetit, everybody(!)
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Mm, this is delicious, Mother.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Oh, it's my absolute pleasure to cook for you.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Perhaps you'd like us to cook you a meal tomorrow.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Really? Yes, that would be...
0:07:47 > 0:07:52lovely, very lovely, and maybe somebody could do the washing up afterwards.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55DISTANT SIREN BLARES
0:07:57 > 0:07:58HE SIGHS
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Mm.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05SHE YAWNS
0:08:06 > 0:08:08HE YAWNS
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Oh...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12SHE YAWNS
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Oh.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Mm.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Ah.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Ooh.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Ah.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Oh.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Oh...
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- OK, let's call it a draw, shall we? - What?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36The "I'm more tired than you" competition.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39HE YAWNS Oh, shut up.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41HE SIGHS
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Do you think Jake's right? Do you think we have lost the plot as parents?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49He's at that self-righteous phase.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50When I was his age,
0:08:50 > 0:08:55I was absolutely convinced that my parents were totally wrong about everything.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Mind you, they were, really.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03I mean, all the normal parenting techniques have never worked on Karen.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Not the blackmail.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Not bribery.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10The threats.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14She worked out it was all just a bluff at the age of three.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16She gave us a contract at five.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Typed. I remember.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23The thing that worries me is the way she is with other kids.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I keep waiting for the penny to drop.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29You know, if you want to make friends, you have to be friendly.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Maybe Jake's right. Maybe we need to tackle her more head-on.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Tackle her more head-on? - Yeah, try and control her.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- Try and control her? - Could you stop doing that, please?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48And we're not that bad as parents, are we?
0:09:48 > 0:09:53If the three of them make it to adulthood and none of them are in prison,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55our work is done.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I mean, we're not...bad bad.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Jake's exaggerating, isn't he?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05We're more sort of middling rather than bad.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Jake's wrong about bad, isn't he?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Pete?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Oh, and we have a competition winner.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22What the hell are you talking about?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Computer cannot communicate with printer?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28It's there! It's... it's less than a foot away!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Did you get a chance to print off my novel?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34No, this printer's playing up.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Why don't you e-mail it to Phil and get him to print it out?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38No, his printer's playing up.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Maybe all the printers are ganging up on us.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Maybe it's a robot conspiracy to tip us all over into madness.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46It's just that Phil's wife said that the budget deadline for new commissions...
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I will print out your time-travelling samurai, OK?
0:10:49 > 0:10:54It's just at the moment I'm trying to get this registration form done
0:10:54 > 0:10:56for the course the firm are sending me on,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59which is tomorrow, so I think that's slightly more pressing.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Mind you, if Phil gets the novel to his wife, and she likes it,
0:11:03 > 0:11:08and it gets published, and it does well, we could all be millionaires.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Oh, yeah, I was forgetting.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Oh, bloody hell! Look at the time. Karen!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16You're going to miss your bus!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Dad, come and check this out. It's a thing that psychologists use.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It's called the inkblot test.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Is that the one where they work out someone's innermost feelings
0:11:24 > 0:11:26by spilling ink all over the table?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- What? - You spilt ink all over the table.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Oh, yeah. Er...I was wondering about that.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Um...anyway, all you have to do is, you have to see if you can find any shapes.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- I'm busy. - Yeah, just...what can you see?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- I see Mum. - Hm. That's interesting.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Because Freud thought that every man wanted to kill their father
0:11:44 > 0:11:45and sleep with their mother.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Yeah, well, Freud never met my mother. This is...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49So, you can see your mum in this?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I said Mum. Your mum, my wife.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Look, I can see her face. She's screaming.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57She's screaming, "What prat spilled ink all over the table?"
0:11:57 > 0:11:58- CAR ALARM BLARES - Hey, Karen!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- ENGINE REVS - If you want to win the race,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03what you've got to do is visualisation!
0:12:03 > 0:12:07You know, when you visually see yourself winning the race visually!
0:12:07 > 0:12:12Well, I'll just wait until this afternoon and then I will see myself win this race.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Well, yes, but today isn't all about the winning, is it?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17It's about the taking part, isn't it?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20It's about being part of a team.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Team player. On a team.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I was looking up loads of that psychology stuff last night.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Some of it's brilliant.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Have you heard about that bloke RD Laing?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Is he the one who thought that people's mental health could be improved
0:12:35 > 0:12:37if they smeared their faeces all over the wall?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Yeah.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44- I'm gonna find out more about him. - That is one of the most frightening things I've ever heard.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47It's called camaraderie, everyone pulling together.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49There's no "I" in "team".
0:12:49 > 0:12:51All for one and one for...
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Let's just go.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56WHISTLE BLOWS
0:12:58 > 0:12:59HE SIGHS
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Dad? Can you look after my stuff?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Only I don't trust the other girls. Some of them have got an agenda.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Especially that one, ever since I tweeted about her.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10- You tweeted about her? - Yeah.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12She gets offended very easily.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Very sensitive. Most of the girls in my class are.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Listen, Karen, you're going to keep finding yourself in confrontations
0:13:19 > 0:13:22until you learn not to be so confrontational.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23You're 11 now.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25You've got to learn a bit of self-control.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30Well, I can't help being upfront. It's who I am. I've got to be me.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34This isn't...Made In Chelsea. This is the real world.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37You can't just go round telling everyone what you think of them.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41You and your real world! Where are my goggles?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Oh, and, by the way, if you win this heat, I really wouldn't do your K dance.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- It's my signature move! - Yeah, but it will just antagonise your fellow competitors.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50It'll really get up their noses and it will...
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Affect their performance. Exactly. I know what I'm doing, Dad.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59COMPUTER GAME EXPLOSION 'Now you must brave new dangers,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01'if you are to reach the citadel of...'
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- COMPUTER GAME EXPLOSION - Oh! Cyber-crabs! I hate them!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Why can't you just...print?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Print it.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- Print it!- Die!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Why are you... - Any chance of a bit more noise?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- Stupid druid! - Take that up to your room, then.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16I don't have Internet connection up there.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18No! Vampire lobsters!
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Yes! Yes!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22He's been playing that for over an hour now.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Oh, in the name of God, just...just print.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28He should be doing his school work.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Oh, so you're on Ben patrol now?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I'm just saying, that's all. Over an hour.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35BEN GROANS Ben!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Can you stop playing with that now...
0:14:37 > 0:14:39COMPUTER GAME EXPLOSION ..and start doing your homework?
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Fair enough.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44A child has just done what I asked.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Oh. More psychology?
0:14:48 > 0:14:53You see, I told Mr Jacobs I wanted to take psychology in the sixth form,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56and he said that it's a bullshitter's subject,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58because the only reason people opt into doing it
0:14:58 > 0:15:01is they think the exams are going to be really easy.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Er...well, he wears a bow tie so he's not qualified to talk about anything.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Can you crack your knuckles? - CRUNCH
0:15:09 > 0:15:10No.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12OK, let's try "Help".
0:15:13 > 0:15:17And "Help" is no help, because the computer has gone off line.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18So, anyway,
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Ibrahim says that girls really like boys who can make their knuckles crack.
0:15:22 > 0:15:28- Yeah, that is a well-known aphrodisiac, the sound of grinding bones(!)- Argh!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Why are you getting angry? - I'm angry because I've just started a new job
0:15:31 > 0:15:34and they're not going to take me very seriously
0:15:34 > 0:15:37if I can't even print out a simple registration document.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Maybe you THINK that's why you're getting angry.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Eh?- Freud reckons that when you get angry with something,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46you're really getting angry with something else, something subconscious.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51So, you're getting angry with the printer because it represents Dad or Jake or...
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- Why can't you be the printer? - I just chose you for an example.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Why can't you choose yourself as an example?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Cos you don't choose yourself as an example.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58This switch was off at the wall. Who the hell did that?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Oh, yeah, that was me. Sorry.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03You're definitely the printer now.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05You watched me struggle with that!
0:16:05 > 0:16:09I was turning it off and on again to try and make it work.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10I could kill you.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12But is this really about me?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Yes. Yes, yes, this is definitely about you.
0:16:14 > 0:16:21Well, Freud said that women were always more angry because they didn't have a penis.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23You're joking, aren't you?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- You could be statistically more angry... - PHONE RINGS
0:16:25 > 0:16:27That's absolute bollocks.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I'm angry because you turned the printer off at the wall.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31- A lot of this aggression might stem...- Hello?
0:16:31 > 0:16:32- ..from your childhood. - Oh, hi, Dad.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34What aggression? I'm not aggressive.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37What's all that noise?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- That's just Mum threatening to kill Ben.- Oh, right.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- How's Karen getting on? - Well, she won a heat.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Although she was nearly disqualified at the start.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- What, for a false start? - No, for sledging.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Yeah, I couldn't quite hear what she was saying
0:16:49 > 0:16:50but the gesture didn't look very nice.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Well, you'll have to have a word with her.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- Yes, yes. - She's your responsibility.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57OK, spare me the lecture. Can you put your mum on?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- It has nothing to do... - I'm not saying you...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- ..with breast-feeding. - Mum, it's Dad.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Ooh! Thanks.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Hiya.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Did you print out those novel pages yet?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11'No, not quite yet.' The printer's been off at the wall and the computer's got...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Oh, it's back.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19OK. How's Karen getting on? Is she interacting with the other kids?
0:17:22 > 0:17:27Yes. She won a heat but there are some very fast girls in this final.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29God knows what she'll do if she doesn't win.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Probably go on a gun spree.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35OK, now, I'm in a file called Pete's Novels.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40Er...I don't want to print out the wrong thing. So, is it called Amber Reflections?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- No, that's the one about the psychic dwarf in the court of the Medicis. - Pluto's Feast?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47That's the Etruscan general who befriends a blind wolf.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49It's called Bushido.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- I think. Or did I change that? - Oh, yes, got it.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Bushido. Right.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Good luck with Karen!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00OK.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Mission Control...
0:18:03 > 0:18:07PRINTER WHIRRS ..we have liftoff! Yes!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09At last!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11The humans have won.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Excuse me, sir. Sir? Do you mind not filming?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You're not serious? I'm just filming my daughter.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Yes, but there are other children in the race,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and without consulting their parents, it's...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Oh, come on. No parent is going to object.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Well, um...that one did.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Oh, for God's sake! I'm just... - It's the law of the land, mate.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43No, it's not, Rumpole.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45It has no basis in law.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48There is nothing to stop me filming my daughter at a swimming gala.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55I'm getting better. Almost got next door's cat.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58He can make himself really big. Imagine if we could do that.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- You already have. You're gigantic. - I know.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- MIMICS ROBOT: Puny human! - Oh!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Can you please stop doing this? OK, put me down.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Thank you. Does this still fit you? - Mm.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Fit me a month ago. - I'll take that as a no.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- Give it to Jake as a hand-me-down. - Huh! LOL(!)
0:19:14 > 0:19:19OK, Jake, once you've finished that, I'll take you out for that driving lesson.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- I still think I need a proper driving instructor.- No, don't be daft. It all costs money.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Be fine. You'll see. You'll have your licence by summer.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Well, I don't want to take my test too early.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Why?- I don't want to be the first one in my lot driving, do I?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I'll end up ferrying everyone about everywhere.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37It's no fun being a glorified taxi driver.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40No. No, it's not.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Anyway, we'd better get out soon before the traffic starts to build up.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- Well... - Oh, come on, it'll be fine.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49My dad taught me how to drive, and then my uncle.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Why did your dad stop teaching you?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58No, that's what I've just said. There is no basis in law...
0:19:58 > 0:19:59We don't know who you are or whether you've even got a daughter.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02That is my daughter in lane 3 there.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Well, if you have got a daughter in lane 3 there, why don't you film her at home?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09We don't have a lane 3 at home.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- I think there are laws against this.- There are no laws against this.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12- I'm very uncomfortable and I think...- I'm perfectly entitled...
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Some of the other parents round here...- ..to film my daughter...
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Could the supervisor come to pool side, please? - There's no rule against it.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24So, basically, you're saying what happened in your driving lesson was Grandad's fault?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Yeah, I had to brake. I had no choice.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30If he'd been wearing his seat belt and he'd had his dentures in properly,
0:20:30 > 0:20:31he would have been fine.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34It was just, you know, an unfortunate accident.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37No such thing as accidents. That's what psychologists reckon.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Is that right(?)- Yeah.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41What they mean is, it's like, remember when I was little
0:20:41 > 0:20:43and I had that accident in Hastings?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- What, when you fell off the pier? - Yeah.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- That must have happened for a reason.- Yeah.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50And the reason was, you were doing cartwheels on the handrail.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Maybe, deep down, I wanted to fall into the ocean.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Maybe it was all about some, you know, emotion I was suppressing.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03When have you ever suppressed an emotion?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04- It's common knowledge that... - All I'm doing on this camera phone...
0:21:04 > 0:21:10- ..that paedophiles hang out... - I resent the suggestion that I am in some way a paedophile.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Well, you must be a paedophile. - I am not a paedophile!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Gentlemen! Perhaps we could move this, er...discussion into my office.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Listen, mate, you don't have to look like a paedophile to be a paedophile.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Um...sorry... - I've been CRB-checked.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Did Jimmy Savile look like a paedophile?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Well, yes. Yes, he did, actually. - Um...gentlemen...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- Yeah, but... - He looked about as pervy
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- as it is possible for a human being to look. - Gentlemen, please.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Yeah, but nobody knew he was a paedophile.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Yes, they did, loads of people. Hundreds of 'em!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Look, can everybody stop mentioning Jimmy Savile?
0:21:38 > 0:21:39I get this every bloody day.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I think you'll find it's a well-known fact that people have to be vigilant!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Look, never mind what they said in your Daily Mail.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Excuse me, gentlemen. Could we just...- It's not...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Sorry. Um...can we please... - I'm a teacher.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Ha-ha! They're the worst, ain't they?- Right, gentlemen.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Next to priests.- If we could exercise some self-control.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Nobody even knows who this bloke is.- Hi.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- HE CLEARS HIS THROAT - My name is Peter Brockman,
0:21:58 > 0:22:02and I am not, I repeat, not, a paedophile!
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Although I am a gay Gypsy asylum seeker.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Is he taking the piss?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10My office now, or I call the police.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Tell you something, mate...
0:22:11 > 0:22:13All I'm trying to do is film my daughter swimming.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16That's all I'm doing. It's perfectly fine.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I'm doing what everybody here is thinking, I'm actually doing.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Is that your dad?
0:22:20 > 0:22:21It's my daughter's lane.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- No. - I'm watching her swimming.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24- Right, come on. Let's go to the office.- Thank you.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- Let's sort this out in the office. - Let's go.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28PRINTER WHIRS
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Okey-dokey!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33PRINTER STOPS
0:22:33 > 0:22:34What the...
0:22:34 > 0:22:38It's printed it all out in symbols. What the hell has it done that for?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41It's like...it's like sodding Japanese!
0:22:41 > 0:22:46It's just full of...asterisks and exclamation marks.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49You should have kept an eye on it as it was going through.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Does your advice centre never close?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I'm going to have to start again now.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Your dad's stupid novel has used up all the paper. It...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Hang on. There's no... there's no paper left!
0:23:01 > 0:23:05There was a whole box of paper here this...yesterday!
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Where the hell has it gone?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Ah, yeah. I might be able to help you with this.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14I did print out some stuff on Spartacus and psychologists and knuckle-cracking.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19So, you're telling me that you've used up a whole box of paper,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21printing out material about...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24There was more on knuckle-cracking than I expected.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Oh, God.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I need to print out this registration form. The course is tomorrow,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Why is this happening to me?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Maybe, deep down, you want it to happen to you.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41I'd run if I were you.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43SIREN BLARES So.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Karen recorded her personal best.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- Yeah.- Brilliant.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Is she pleased? - Not really. She came third.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Third?- Third.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Oh, God.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Do you want a drink? - I've already got one, thanks.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Have you taken Jake out for his drive?- Yeah.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01And how...
0:24:01 > 0:24:05We'll pay for an instructor, with dual controls.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- How long were you out there with him?- It seemed like days.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Especially when we got on to the dual carriageway.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12You took him on a dual carriageway?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Not intentionally. He...he just suddenly turned left for no earthly reason.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- I told you he'll never pass his test.- Oh, I don't know.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23His emergency stops are quite good.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- Oh, did you get to print my novel off?- Yeah, it's on the side.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Hiya.- Hi.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- How was rehearsal? - Yeah, it was good.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Mr Farthinglow really liked my psychological interpretation of Spartacus.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37You know, how he's only rebelling against Rome
0:24:37 > 0:24:39cos he really wants Rome's approval.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Right.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I can't give this to Phil's wife to read. Look at it.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- She'll go blind. - Well, I'm sorry.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50But that was the only paper left, OK?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53This hasn't even got to the bit where the samurai teams up with Gandhi.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- Where's the rest of it? - The printer broke.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- Broke? - Yeah, it was an accident.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- There are no accidents. - It had it coming.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Does no-one in this family have any self-control?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- So, Karen came third? - I'm afraid so.
0:25:09 > 0:25:15Look, I think all we can do is...is keep positive and give her as much emotional...
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Oh, hello, sweetheart. Hey.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Well done on today. Personal best.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- That's brilliant! - Yeah, brilliant.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25It..it's quite an achievement to...to...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Oh, Ben! - Ben!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- What are you doing? Honestly! - Sorry.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31I was just trying to lighten things up.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36Yeah, but people aren't always in the mood to be ensnared in a net.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Sweetheart, sit down.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Yeah. No.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42PB, that's, er...something to be proud of.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- Did they give you a medal? - She left it behind.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46In a bin.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Well, I suppose even champions lose sometimes,
0:25:50 > 0:25:55but the mark of a true champion is whether you can accept defeat gracefully.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- Did you accept the defeat gracefully?- Yes.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Apart from demanding a drugs test.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04That girl had shoulders like a gorilla.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- And dropping out of the relay team. - Oh, Karen!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Honestly! - And you let her get away with that?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I can't physically force someone to swim, can I?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13BEN: Well, I saw Bradley Wiggins doing an interview
0:26:13 > 0:26:17and he says that you actually learn more from defeat.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Well, that's very true. You work out why you didn't win...
0:26:20 > 0:26:21- I know why I didn't win. - Good!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23It's because of this family.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Eh?- You all wrecked my confidence.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Well, I...I think that's...
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Him with his visualising, and you with your long talks that I can never follow,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36and Dad was banging on about self-control
0:26:36 > 0:26:41and then telling everyone that he's a Gypsy gay asylum seeker.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44That was irony.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Not everyone got it.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50It's no wonder that I lost.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Maybe you wanted to lose.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I lost because I come from a family of losers.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Well, thanks for that. I'm going to go and watch Pointless.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01This is exactly what I mean.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04She needs someone to lay down some boundaries, spell out some realities.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- Be our guest. - Well, someone has to.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Well, then you're clearly the man for the job, being such a parenting expert.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12All right, then. I will!
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Listen, Karen. You need to have a long, hard look at yourself,
0:27:16 > 0:27:20because this life doesn't owe you a living, you know?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23And it's not a one-way street,
0:27:23 > 0:27:27er...because it goes two ways, not one,
0:27:27 > 0:27:32and it doesn't revolve around you like you're some kind of roundabout.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Like he understands about roundabouts!
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Huh! Ah, African countries beginning with a B.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- Look, you're not actually... - Er...Botswana. Burundi.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- You need to... - Burkina Faso?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45No-one'll get Burkina Faso.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48How long should we leave him in there with her?
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Till his spirit breaks.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Belgian Congo.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Actually, does it still exist?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55What I'm really saying is,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58you have to be prepared to...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00meet people halfway,
0:28:00 > 0:28:04and not make the world come to you all the way.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06This is drivel.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Now, that is exactly what I mean, Karen. That is...
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Aah! Stop it! Mum! Dad!