0:00:02 > 0:00:04- I just don't like babies. - How can you say that? You saw him.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Little James is incredibly cute. - I don't like babies.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11You do like babies. Remember Karen when she was his age.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15That tiny little thing with those big eyes.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17I remember the projectile vomiting.
0:00:17 > 0:00:22The distance and the power and the volume.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- And the colour.- She was such a smiley little thing, though.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29God, in that cafe. That must have been a good four feet.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31They had to throw that whole tureen of soup away.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Baby James is so placid, though, isn't he?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35He's very low-maintenance.
0:00:35 > 0:00:41I was wondering about giving Carlotta and Terry a break.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45- You know, offering to have him... - No.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- ..just 24 hours. - No, absolutely not.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- You've already said yes, haven't you?- Uh-huh.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Well, I am going to arrange to go out. When is this happening?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57- Tonight. - Tonight.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Course. Come on, Pete!
0:01:00 > 0:01:0320 years together, and you still don't see this stuff coming.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Hiya. I'm really sorry to ask,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08but you don't have any eyelash adhesive, do you?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11No, sorry, Stacey. I...I've got my own eyelashes.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Attached.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Biologically.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- Would Karen have any? - She's 11.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Right.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- So, she wouldn't have any? - No.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26No probs. Cheers.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32One of your best mates phones from Australia and says can his daughter stay.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I was cornered.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37She's my goddaughter. What could I have said?
0:01:37 > 0:01:41You could have said, "There's a lot of nice youth hostels in Earl's Court."
0:01:41 > 0:01:42You could have said, "No,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45"you don't want to live in a house without eyelash adhesive."
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Anyway, he owes us now. We could send Jake to Melbourne.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Not immediately but soon, maybe.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53It's Jake I'm worried about.
0:01:53 > 0:01:58- Being in the house with her...at night.- But he's got a girlfriend, hasn't he?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I'm not sure, really, that Stacey is his type.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Pete, a girl that looks like that is any man's type.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- DOOR SLAMS - How did the rehearsals go?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Miss Gregory, the other music teacher,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12said that maybe Malachi should be Spartacus,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15seeing as it is a musical and Malachi can sing.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Oh, Ben!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Mr Farthingwell says that it's not all about singing and...
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Sorry, I left my undies in the dryer.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Oh, hi! You must be Ben, cos I've met everyone else now.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27I got here this morning. I'm Stacey. Hey. Fist bump.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- Fist bump, Ben? - Hi...hi.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37I'm going to be hanging here for a few days. Hope you're OK with that.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Ben.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Ben? You in there? Ben?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Ben! Ben! What happened at school?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Oh, yeah, Mr Farthingwell says that seeing as it's a musical...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I'm going to have to buy some more bras, cos my boob has just gone up a size.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Ha-ha!
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Ben? Ben, are you still Spartacus?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Mm, yeah. Yeah, I'm...I'm Spartacus.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I'm going to my room.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Well, it looks like it's not Jake that Stacey's going to be having the effect on.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07- Oh... - What?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Well, that's it, isn't it?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Only 13, but that's another one I've lost to the testosterone express.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- DOORBELL RINGS - Who's that?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Oh, that's not the baby already, is it?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Could be.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- SIREN BLARING - You would think,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27with three children, just from the laws of probability,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30that you would produce one who was capable of turning off the lights.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Ben, Karen, there are five lights on in total in your two rooms,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and it's not even night.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40JINGLE PLAYING Is the big man shouting?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Is the big man being a big old shouty man?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Karen? Ben? Did you hear any of that?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48No. You don't know what he's saying, do you?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51To him, it's probably like a dog being told to fetch, but in Chinese.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Ben, you are not a dog.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58You are my son, who I am asking to turn lights off.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59- You know, babies... - BABY BURBLES
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- learn emotions from facial expressions.- Ben.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- So, we could like teach them that...- What are you talking about?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- ..happy was an angry face... - Mm!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and angry was a really happy face.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I think if you look at my face,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14you'll get a fairly clear idea of what angry looks like.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16We've used this face for centuries...
0:04:16 > 0:04:19..when people don't turn the lights off.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Our electricity bill is huge.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25They probably think we're growing cannabis in here or smelting aluminium.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26DOORBELL RINGS
0:04:26 > 0:04:29JAKE: Er...it's OK! It's just a mate! I'll get it!
0:04:29 > 0:04:33See this? This is leopard in a tree. You used to love this when you were younger.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35BABY CHUCKLES
0:04:35 > 0:04:37SHE SIGHS
0:04:37 > 0:04:43- Why are you staring at me? - Just wonder at how things grow,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45and grow.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48How much does it hurt to have a baby?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Yeah, well...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53er...it's...you know, it's a lovely experience,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56but I suppose it..it does... it does hurt a bit.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59TOY JINGLES But it's sort of like a positive...pain.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03What about that lady across the road... road that had a home birth?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Was that a positive pain?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Um...
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Because she kept me awake all night with her screaming.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11That would have been positive screaming.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13"Just kill me now," she kept shouting.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15TOY JINGLES
0:05:15 > 0:05:16So, on a scale of one to ten,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19say ten being your head being chopped off with a chain saw...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Mm-hm.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25..and one being getting lemon in a paper cut,
0:05:25 > 0:05:29how painful was giving birth to Ben?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31BABY COOS Er...
0:05:31 > 0:05:35oh, how painful was it giving birth to Ben?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I would say... Oh! TOY JINGLES
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Look, oh, look, he's fallen over. Look. BABY GIGGLES
0:05:40 > 0:05:41On a scale of one to ten.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I would say t...
0:05:45 > 0:05:47two and a half, three.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52OK, so not too... not very painful at all, really?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55But, well, it...it...
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Yes, a little bit.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02It was a little bit...little bit painful.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Are you sure only three? Cos that's not that much.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Er...probably about th...
0:06:07 > 0:06:11BABY BURBLING ..five.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- Five?- Five, six.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14- Five or six? - Five, six, seven.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18OK, well, that's quite high, and how long does it last?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Um...it can be about, um...two hours.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Um...sometimes it can get to, um...
0:06:27 > 0:06:2912, a day.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- What? A day? - Two...days.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Two days? - Sometimes. That's very rare!
0:06:35 > 0:06:38The human body isn't actually very well designed for childbirth.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Be much easier if we just laid eggs.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And if you change your mind, you could have a very large omelette,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46although the Catholic Church might come out against that.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48BABY BURBLES All right.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50What have you done to your hands? Oops.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Oh, yeah, Stacey gave me these really cool fake nails.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Did she?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56BABY BURBLES Oh.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59You've got to admit, he really is cute.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02He's...small.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Interestingly, at this age, they are less intelligent than a crow.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Yes, although you probably shouldn't have said that to his mother.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Carlotta looked a bit... - And you do know why they're cute,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14don't you, Dad? It's so that, biologically, we don't kill them.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16You didn't say that to his mum, did you?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18We're programmed to respond positively
0:07:18 > 0:07:20to the big eyes and the big round hairless head.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Doesn't work for William Hague.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23For instance, lemurs.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25People love lemurs, and they're actually quite similar to babies,
0:07:25 > 0:07:26although they're a bit furrier.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Oh, no, that is so cute!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Stacey, did you leave your top in the laundry room too?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Er...no, I've got everything. I'm just heading out.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Oh, that is...that... You... you're going out like that. Right.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I'm just going to pop that there. It's my modelling portfolio.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41I said I'd show Karen.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- Is Karen interested in that? - Yeah.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I mean, it's just local mags and swimwear.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Were you saying something about lemurs, Ben? Because I love lemurs.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Ben?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Lemurs. - Oh, yeah.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Erm...lemurs were originally confused with the low sloris.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06No. Mo...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- No. Ro sloris? - Sloth?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10No, no.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I need to, er...need to revise.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Aah!
0:08:15 > 0:08:17It...it's fine.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I'm OK.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21TOY RATTLES
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Slow loris. I think it was a slow loris.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- DISTANT SIREN WAILS - Anyone in there? No?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Anyone in the bathroom?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33No.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35There's these things called switches,
0:08:35 > 0:08:40cleverly designed so if you push them, the light goes out.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45Think of a room as a giant iPod, cos you can turn them on and off all right.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Can you remember how to assemble these?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I'd forgotten you needed a degree in engineering to have a baby.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Is he still awake?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Yeah, I tried to put him down but he's still quite lively.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56He's in there playing with Ben now.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59You know this Stacey thing?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Do you think you could have a word with Ben?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- Oh...- Oh, go on.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07I...I did all the girl stuff with Karen, and that's a lot messier.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Didn't we give Ben a book about sex?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Did we? - Yeah, we did.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Because he came back and said he thought
0:09:11 > 0:09:14that human genitalia were very poorly designed,
0:09:14 > 0:09:18although I'm not sure his alternative is very practical.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I don't think women would want the testicles.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23And certainly not up there. Anyway, that book should have it covered.
0:09:23 > 0:09:29Pete! There was no chapter in that book entitled Not Staring At Women's Breasts.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32ELECTRONIC VOICE: I am Satan! I eat babies!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Jake. Not funny.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38You will be my slaves and you will buy Jake a new laptop.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Get out of our room!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Does it go the other way up? - Hang on. I can do this.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45It's four o'clock in the morning.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I haven't slept properly for weeks.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51CLOPPING AND CLUNKING
0:09:58 > 0:10:02There! There, just needed to access the muscle memory.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Right, I'd better... I'd better check on James.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07DOOR SQUEAKS AND BABY BURBLES
0:10:07 > 0:10:09TRAIN CHUFFING
0:10:09 > 0:10:12What exactly is that, Ben?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16It's a maze. I put those biscuits he liked at the far end.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19It's OK. Chickens couldn't work it out either.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Probably not a good idea to experiment on non-consenting children.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25It's something they established at the Nuremberg trials.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27You're cleverer than a chicken, aren't you?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Anyway, it is way past your bedtime so come on, off you go.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Do you want me to clean up? - Come on.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Hiya. Erm...it's all right if Alex stays over, isn't it?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Cos it's Saturday tomorrow
0:10:36 > 0:10:38and we just started watching the football on the laptop.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- Yeah, yeah. I suppose so. - Yeah? Thanks.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Don't stay up all night! DOOR SLAMS
0:10:42 > 0:10:45We won't see him before noon. He needs a Taser rather than an alarm clock.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Mum, could you buy me some more deodorant?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- Er... - Lynx Dark Temptation.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- OK.- Does that actually exist?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Yeah, you see, um... it's the chocolate one.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Dark Temptation? Do they do a Milk Temptation?
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Well, it's not dark chocolate. It's just chocolate in a deodorant.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Ah, that feral-teenage-boy, fox-in-the-bin smell,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07partially masked by chemical chocolate.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08That'll get the girls.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Well, it might do. When I was 13, boys just smelled of cider and armpit.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14They could do Lynx Cider & Armpit.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Oh!- What the...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Ah, have you got James? BABY CRIES
0:11:18 > 0:11:19I've got him.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- BEN:- You did want the lights turned out.- It's the whole street.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- I'll light some candles. - No! Ben, no!
0:11:25 > 0:11:27It's...it's all right. I know about candles and curtains now.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31BABY BURBLES
0:11:31 > 0:11:33OK, he's quite cute.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- MUSIC ON TV - It's Atlantis.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- Jason's just bumped into Theo Paphitis.- TV: Medusa is cursed.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Did James go down? - Yeah, he's in his cot.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Standing up, waving.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50You know that, um...friend of Jake's, Alex?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Didn't he go to Canada? - Oh, yeah.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- What you doing? - I'm texting Jake to come down.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00And someone needs to have a word with Stacey.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Walking around in towels and vests and...things,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I don't even know what they're called but they're very, very small.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It's not fair on Ben.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Someone needs to tell her to cover up.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- I'll give the Taliban a ring. - Seriously, Pete.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15MUSIC PLAYING ON TV
0:12:15 > 0:12:17You're not saying it should be me that says that?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20You are her godfather. Aren't you responsible for her moral wellbeing?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I just have to keep her and the Devil apart.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I didn't have to swear on the Bible that I'd tell her to wear...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- large underwear. - What, Mum? It's late.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34This mate of yours, Alex. Didn't he go to Canada?
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Yeah, it's a different Alex.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Is this Alex a girl? - Yep.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40You never told us it was a girl!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Well, I never told you she wasn't a girl.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44You know we thought she was a boy.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Dad, I can't spend my time trying to work out what you think.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Boy, girl, what's the difference?
0:12:50 > 0:12:51I think you've got a really clear idea
0:12:51 > 0:12:53what the difference between boys and girls is,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56which is why she's not spending the night in your bedroom.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Everything's about sex with you two. She's just staying over.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Well, she isn't, actually.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Well, anyway, if you're worried about us having sex, she's been up there for hours.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06We could have had sex like ten times by now.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09So, strangely, I don't find that reassuring.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Does Lizzie know about this?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Er...Lizzie and I, we're on a break. Alex is just a friend.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- A friend with benefits? - Mum, no-one says that any more.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Anyway, she's got to stay, because she's lost her keys and her mum's away.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24What bad luck!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26But her mum's fine with her staying here.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Oh, right. Well, give me her number, I'll give her mum a ring and check.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31She's lost her mum's number, er...cos it was a new number,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35um...and she lost her phone in the same bag as...as her keys.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37So, how did she ring her mum?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Well, she rang her mum before she lost her bag, Sherlock.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44So, she rang her mum to ask if she could stay,
0:13:44 > 0:13:48because she'd lost her key, before she lost her key, Moriarty?
0:13:48 > 0:13:53No, she...asked if she could stay before she had to,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56and then she lost her bag, with her keys in it, and now she has to stay.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Right, we need to talk to her. Jake, go and get her.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01OK.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02He's good.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04At least we've produced an intelligent liar.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Still, if she stays, she can't stay in his room.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10We could put her in with Stacey.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Yeah, but she'd just get up and go back into his room.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Hang on. What have we got at the moment?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18We have got Stacey in Karen's, and Karen in with Ben.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Well, I know, then we just put her in Stacey's room,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23and then we put Jake in with Ben.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25She's not feeling very well.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Um...so she's probably not going to come down,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30in light of the fact that she doesn't feel very well.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32OK, I know what we'll do, then.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Um...she'll go with Stacey, and then Ben can go in with you.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- She's probably too ill to move rooms.- We'll carry her.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Do you think she'll still want to stay?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Oh, she'll have to. She's lost her keys.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53SLAM We're good too.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55TRAIN CHUFFING
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Well, I never thought I'd see a baby projectile-vomit further than Karen.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04Oh, well, we were going to redecorate. That cream wallpaper was always a mistake.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08It's not cream now. Ben, can you turn the light off in the bathroom?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11And his weeing, it was like a...geyser.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Aah! - Sorry. Sorry.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I don't understand it.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19He's so placid by day.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Maybe that's why Carlotta calls him the werewolf.
0:15:27 > 0:15:34You agreed to look after, for the night, a baby called "the werewolf"?
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Well, I thought it was ironic, like Little John in Robin Hood,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41who is in fact very big.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44So, you thought they called him the werewolf
0:15:44 > 0:15:46because he was so calm at night?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Oh, it's cold in here. Is that radiator on?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52No, I've turned the central heating off.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Well, it's the only way I'm going to stop Stacey walking around like a prostitute,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00dressed in tea towels.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02OK, I'll turn it back on.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Has Alex gone home?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I don't know. Maybe. I didn't get a good look at her.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Did you get a good look at her, Ben?- Yeah.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14Ooh, God, Jake. He's going to be in a right strop with us cos we didn't let him...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17watch football with Alex. Freeze.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Morning, Mum. Morning, Dad.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26BABY BURBLES # Doo-doo-doo
0:16:26 > 0:16:28# We're going to the moon... #
0:16:28 > 0:16:33Sue, do you think Jake found a way around our room allocation strategy?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I don't know, Pete.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37He seemed far too cheerful this morning.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I know. What can we do?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41No, you're right. It's pointless speculating.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44I bet he did, though.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- We just have to walk away. - Yeah, OK.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50# Zoom, zoom, zoom, we'll be there very... #
0:16:50 > 0:16:51How do you think he did it?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53BABY BURBLES
0:16:53 > 0:16:55# Three, two, one... #
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Blastoff! Whee!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Can I have a go? - No.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04No, it's just that, with a baby, um... being thrown in the air and caught,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06there's quite a lot that can go wrong.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Oh, come on. I was about five when that thing happened at the petting zoo.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Seven.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I remember, because it was important in terms of legal liability.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15SIGHS
0:17:15 > 0:17:17DISTANT DOG BARKING
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Mum, this homework they've given me is too hard so I'm giving up.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Don't be silly. You can't just give up.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Why not?- Well, it's just...you know, it's wrong.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Life is about perseverance.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36You...you stick at things when they get hard and you...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- you don't admit defeat. - You are so right.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41What?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Well, it's wrong to just be defeatist and give up.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- This is about the hamster, isn't it? - Everyone's just forgotten about Tommy.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Well, he's been missing for months.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Yes, but there were those women in America who were missing for years
0:17:53 > 0:17:55and they were still found.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Karen, no-one is holding your hamster prisoner in their basement.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00SIREN BLARES OUTSIDE
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Listen, Ben.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05About sex.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I know they teach you the nuts and bolts stuff at school...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Yeah, I had to put a condom on a banana.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Yeah, I think you can take a GCSE in that now.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Yeah, but I was just wondering if you had any questions about, er...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19behaviour around...women.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23It's just that Jake did mention what had happened with Alex.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25There's no lock on that door. That was an accident.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Right.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Well, it is quite hard to walk in on a naked woman by accident.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34But should you come across a naked woman, you shouldn't stare.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Unless, of course, she's a stripper.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40But you shouldn't be going...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43to strippers yet, or indeed, er...at all.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Look, we have offered to replace Tommy.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47But he had personality.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49What personality?
0:18:49 > 0:18:54He...he was loyal, and he had a very good sense of humour.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Karen, don't be...
0:18:56 > 0:18:57What do you think we should do about him, then?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Nothing.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- We should give up? - Yeah.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04So, it is OK to give up, then?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Er...only when it's something that is...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11..insurmountably difficult.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Like this homework?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14That... It...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16That's...that...kind of...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18That would... Oh, that's...
0:19:18 > 0:19:23Even if you find yourself in a situation where a woman is fully clothed,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27you shouldn't stare, particularly at any particular...
0:19:28 > 0:19:29particulars.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Oh, hi, guys. Er...has anyone seen my modelling portfolio?
0:19:33 > 0:19:34No.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I thought I just left it here in your lounge room.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I need to learn my lines.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Oh.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Well, maybe Karen's got it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48BABY GRIZZLING Oh.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50What's up with you?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52BABY CRIES All right, all right.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Jake, you're doing a few little jobs at the moment
0:19:55 > 0:19:57to earn your driving lessons, yeah?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Yeah, must be about there by now. - What's the matter?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Could you have a word with Ben,
0:20:02 > 0:20:03about girls?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05And how to...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- behave with them.- Fine.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Not necessarily the way you behave. More...
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Sure. I can do respect for women. I've had that stuff from Mum.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17Oh, I've had this text from Terry and Carlotta.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22"Road blocked by flood. Be back soon as poss.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss."
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Four kisses?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28That spells guilt big-time.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Where's the hotel? Near Dungeness. I'm going on AA Roadwatch.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36I'm not spending another night with Rosemary's Baby.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Let Caesar come, fight me one-on-one.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42I need to have a chat with you about girls, Dad says.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Um...basically, they're 99 per cent exactly the same as you and me,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48except they like Taylor Swift,
0:20:49 > 0:20:50and salad.
0:20:50 > 0:20:56A...a girl is...is basically a boy in a girl's costume.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Right.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Talk to them about something normal, and they'll be interested.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Does that work with all girls?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Like for instance,
0:21:05 > 0:21:0821-year-old girls and 13-year-old boys?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Oh, yeah, they can't get enough of 'em.
0:21:10 > 0:21:1421-year-old girls are always on websites, looking at pictures of 13-year-old boys.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Hang on, wait a moment. Is it the other way around?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Ha-ha!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- MUSIC PLAYING - This is called baby aerobics,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24and we basically just copy what he's doing.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26CHUCKLES
0:21:26 > 0:21:27We used to play this with my baby sister.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And my dad, when he was off his chops on the booze.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33MUSIC PLAYS AND BABY BURBLES
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Oh, yeah, that's good.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42BABY CHUCKLES
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And don't rearrange your testicles mid-conversation.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48They don't really like that.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51So, always look 'em in the eye but not like a psychopath.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- Mm.- Don't stare at your feet or their boobs.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Unless they're not looking. But you didn't say that.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00And...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- don't scratch your bollocks. - You know, talk to girls... - TEXT ALERT
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- ..as if they're not girls, just... - Oh, crap.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12This site, it's the same. The A259 is slow-moving.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15There is nothing about it being blocked. They are taking the mickey.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Who have you told about Alex staying over?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21No-one, obviously. Why? Has Lizzie found out about it?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Well, who could have spread it about? - TEXT ALERT
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Oh, God.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- Alex, for example? - I'm going to ring them.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Mum, could you text Lizzie and say that me and Alex slept in different rooms?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Well, why should she be bothered? Cos you were on a bit of a break.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36That's right, isn't it? Or didn't she know about that?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Mum, come on, a text. - I'm sorry. I'm not getting involved.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Do you enjoy ruining my life?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Jake, it's Sharika on the phone.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- HE MOUTHS - He says he's not in.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Can I take a message? - Jesus! She's winding me up.- Mum!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50It's gone through to voicemail.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Maybe the torrential floods have swept her phone away.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Hi, Carlotta. It's Pete. I'm sorry to hear about the flooding.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Although I did just happen to notice that the road is now clear
0:22:59 > 0:23:02so we'll see you very soon...
0:23:02 > 0:23:03indeed.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yeah, OK, I'll tell him that.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Sharika said she didn't think you were such a sleaze-bag.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- OK, stop. - But he is a sleaze-bag.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11It's like being in the middle
0:23:11 > 0:23:13of some...teenage soap. TEXT ALERT
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Jake, there's loads of e-mails pinging in on your laptop.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18The speed of it is amazing. It's like the Arab Spring.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- TEXT ALERT - Only with Jake as General Assad and...
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Oh, here we go.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26"Won't make it back tonight. Big sorry!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!
0:23:30 > 0:23:31"PS, have you rung?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"Not getting messages."
0:23:34 > 0:23:38We could always leave him outside a police station.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Joke.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41MUSIC ON HEADPHONES
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Hi...Stacey.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- Sorry?- Have...have you heard about neutrinos?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Is that like a...is that a skin product?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54No...no, it's a subatomic particle. ALARM WAILS OUTSIDE
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Billions of them go through us.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Every day. DISTANT DOG BARKS
0:23:59 > 0:24:02They go through us? How do they get through us?
0:24:02 > 0:24:07If an atom was equivalent to the size of the universe,
0:24:07 > 0:24:12a neutrino would be equivalent to the size of...a golf ball.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- They go through the atom... - So are you saying that
0:24:15 > 0:24:19there are things the size of golf balls going through me?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Only...only if you were the size of the universe.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Ben, do you think I'm fat?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25No...no, you...you're thin.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28You're very...not very thin, just...
0:24:29 > 0:24:32You...you're not too thin or...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Any...anyway, are you interested...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37TRAIN CHUFFING ..in other subatomic particles,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40like the Higgs...the Higgs boson?
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Or quark?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Quark? Ha!
0:24:44 > 0:24:45That's such a stupid name.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50OK. MUSIC PLAYING
0:24:50 > 0:24:52SHE CHUCKLES
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Girls aren't interested in normal stuff.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58MUSIC PLAYING Stacey?
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Oh, hiya.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Um...I'm sorry to raise this.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06It's just, I was wondering if you would mind...
0:25:07 > 0:25:09not walking about in a towel.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Or...or underwear.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Oh, this isn't underwear. It's my nightie.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17It's just that seeing you in a limited amount of clothing
0:25:17 > 0:25:21has effects on a 13-year-old boy.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- CHUCKLES - Oh, right. I got you.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Yeah, we're a bit more relaxed back home.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Are you?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Um...OK, well, so if you wouldn't mind covering up...
0:25:32 > 0:25:34..in front of Ben.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36And Pete.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- And...and everyone, in fact. - You got it.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43And when you're in the bathroom, would you mind, um...pulling down the blind,
0:25:43 > 0:25:47only Mrs Brooks opposite has an elderly father with a pacemaker...
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Aw! - ..and a telescope.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I'm going to text them this.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57"I know you are lying."
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- You can't send that. - Why not?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Because they'll just pretend they didn't get it.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Do you think James has got a temperature?
0:26:06 > 0:26:07No.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Are you sure?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Yeah.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Think again.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Oh, a temperature?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Oh, yeah. Ooh!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19- Oh, I think you're right. - Yeah.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I'd better text Carlotta and let her know.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23- And you think that will... - Oh, yeah.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Yeah, that way, we'll be working on a mother's hormones
0:26:26 > 0:26:28and she'll have no defence.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30DOOR SLAMS JAKE: Oh, God!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32You think it was Alex told everyone Jake's secret?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Well, who else could it be?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Anyway, at least he's learnt something.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41He's learnt he has to respect women.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Yeah, cos they all talk to each other so you can't get away with stuff.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47No, Pete. Respect women.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- That's what I said, he needs... - TEXT ALERT
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Ooh. "Road cleared.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54"Back at lunch time." No kisses. Hm.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57DOOR SLAMS JAKE: Oh, God!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Oh, God!
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Oh, go on, you go and talk to him. Come on, I sorted this out.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07FOOTBALL ON
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Jake, you know how you said
0:27:08 > 0:27:11all that stuff about girls being from another planet isn't true?
0:27:11 > 0:27:12No, they are from another planet.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Boys are from planet earth,
0:27:14 > 0:27:18and girls come from some weird pink Death Star called Bitchita Major
0:27:18 > 0:27:22where they all SMS each other in some PMT-crazy bitching frenzy
0:27:22 > 0:27:24and excommunicate boys.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26So, stay away from girls as long as you can.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- Jake? - I'd just like some privacy.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33OK. Oh...
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- DOOR SLAMS - ..it's daytime. Karen!
0:27:36 > 0:27:40There's this thing called the sun, which means that you can pull back your curtains
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- and turn off that magic switch you... - MUSIC PLAYING
0:27:44 > 0:27:46SHE GASPS
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I...I'd forgotten that you were in Karen's, with all the room-changing,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52so I'll...I'll go now.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I'd forgotten she was in Karen's with all the room-changing, and...
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I'd forgotten she was in Karen's with all the room... I'll put out the bins.