0:00:02 > 0:00:03- JAKE:- Can you tell Ben not to go in my room?
0:00:03 > 0:00:04SUE: Ben, don't go in his room!
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- BEN:- Can you tell Jake not to steal my clothes?
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Jake, don't steal his clothes.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Look, found it! Our old music festival tent.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14This has seen some service.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16- No... No, no! - CLANKING
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Oh!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Why would I take his clothes? He dresses like a 12-year-old bag lady.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Are you sure you want to do this camping trip?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25I wouldn't worry about that list if I were you.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28- It's got nothing to do with the list.- What list?
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Someone e-mailed your dad an article about 50 things to do with your children
0:00:32 > 0:00:34- before they become teenagers. - So I'm safe then?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Oh, Ben, could you get the water and the glasses, please?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40I'm trying to pack, but Jake's taken my pants.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Ohh, pant wars, eh?
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Look, you guys should all have your own personal colours.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48That's what my sisters and I used to do with our panties.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Yeah, we used to have all these G-strings out on the line.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I was red, and, er...
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Look, even though I've left home...
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Red. Juicy Couture, but still red.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Stacey, can I just borrow you for a minute?
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Yeah.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Jake?
0:01:03 > 0:01:07I would never take his pants. I'd probably get leprosy or...wet rot.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Are you sure you don't want to change your mind and join me and Ben on our...?
0:01:10 > 0:01:11No, thanks.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13You could play your guitar round a campfire under the stars.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18Yeah, I could, or I could play my guitar in my bedroom in the warm
0:01:18 > 0:01:22and I wouldn't have to listen to Ben running round banging on about Bear Grylls
0:01:22 > 0:01:24and trying to...drink a frog.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26You can only do that with certain South American frogs.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Ben's at a particular age,
0:01:29 > 0:01:34so, if a very attractive woman displays her undergarments...
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Oh, I got you!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Oh, bless him, little fella,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44he's got the jackeroos, as my dad used to say.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Yes, he has...whatever that means.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Jake, can you get the cutlery, please?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Ah!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54It's Ben's dummy,
0:01:54 > 0:01:55car keys...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59..to the old car.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01We haven't really done much of the stuff on this list, have we?
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Those lists are published solely to make parents feel bad.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Mrs Bun, the baker's wife!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I spent a whole game waiting for her once!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Oh, wait, there is one we've done here - "bringing up a butterfly".
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Do you remember when Ben...? He swallowed the...
0:02:14 > 0:02:18It means bringing up from a cocoon, not eating it and bringing it up.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Yeah, yeah, of course.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Ah, Dad, frost forecast for tomorrow.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Are you sure you want to spend your birthday camping?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Ben wants to see the meteor shower.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28He's growing up so fast.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32There's only a short window of time where he'll still want to do things with me
0:02:32 > 0:02:35and soon he'll be too big to fit in this tent.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39He's at that really funny in-between age, isn't he?
0:02:39 > 0:02:44One moment he's this big, great man-thing and the next moment
0:02:44 > 0:02:47he's a little kid again and comes and sits on my lap.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Did you manage to get that appointment with the chiropractor?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Yeah, Tuesday. Double session.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Oh, sod it!
0:02:55 > 0:02:56I'll take it like this.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Mm! Stay sat down, please, and eat that potato up.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Oh, no offence, but with the swimwear modelling,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I've got to watch the kilos even more than before.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Oh, no, not you, Stacey. No, I just... I just meant Karen.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20The cheesy potato's amazing, but it's all carbohydrates and fat.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24That's fine, Stacey. I just... I just want Karen to eat...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Well, the cheesy potato's all carbohydrates and fat.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Stacey knows this stuff.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30But you're not going to be modelling bikinis, are you, Karen?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- There's PE. - Hm?
0:03:32 > 0:03:37Girls are judgmental. They call Shiniqua "The Muffin".
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Well, Shiniqua is a little...
0:03:42 > 0:03:43patisserie-shaped
0:03:43 > 0:03:46and, of course, that's lovely in its own way.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49It's lovely if you don't care what you look like.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Hey, Karen, look.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Argh!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- PETE: No forks in eyes, Ben. - Stop trying to frighten me.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55You can frighten me if you like.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- I quite like being frightened. - No-one likes being frightened.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01So why is there an hour-and-a-half queue
0:04:01 > 0:04:04for the Stealth at Thorpe Park, which only lasts, like, eight seconds?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Cos stupid people just join queues.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10No! It... It's fear. It stops you from being boring.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12You can never be bored if you're frightened.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Well, you wouldn't like it if you were actually scared,
0:04:15 > 0:04:20like if you woke up, in bed, and there was a giant lizard about to murder you.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23You get that dream too? It's one of my favourites.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Positive you don't want to come?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Away from the city lights, we'll be able to see this meteor shower...
0:04:27 > 0:04:30No, tomorrow night's the deadline for my UCAS form.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Oh, yeah, I'm off to Mikey's, by the way. I won't be long.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35He said he'd finished that form weeks ago.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37JAKE: Everything's under control!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Still, it'll be nice, just you and Ben, won't it?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41It will, yeah.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Do you want a hand with the dishes? - Oh, no, you're fine, thanks.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49WHISPERS: I wish she'd stop going on about diet things when Karen's there.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I mean, she doesn't need to diet, look at her!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55OK, stop looking at her.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Well, it's difficult. Kids get very mixed messages about eating.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I know. It's like, "It's OK to be fat, but you mustn't be."
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I know this is silly, but I do sometimes worry about Karen and her food.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11I mean, she displays all the signs of someone with...food issues.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14You've been on Mumsnet again, haven't you?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15But she does.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Listen, think of all the websites we had to check out for Jake
0:05:18 > 0:05:20and he's turned out all right, hasn't he?
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Yeah.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I wish I'd been like him at his age. He's ridiculously chilled out.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- "Chilled." - Eh?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29He told me I couldn't say "chilled out", I have to say "chilled".
0:05:29 > 0:05:32In fact, he's really uptight about saying "chilled".
0:05:32 > 0:05:34LOUD CLATTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:36What are you doing with all those?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Because we're going into the wilderness.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Bear Grylls, he makes his own handles out of ash,
0:05:41 > 0:05:47but I didn't think we'd have enough time to fell the ash trees, so... Yeah.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50We're going to the woods to camp, not to dispose of a body.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51If you want one, there's always Stacey.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- BEN:- Ow, I've got a fork stuck in my head!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Yeah, yeah, very funny, Ben.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Oh, he has got a fork in his head.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02BEN: Dad, we need to get going.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05It is 6.45...
0:06:05 > 0:06:07on a Saturday morning.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I've made you a full English breakfast.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Thanks.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14It doesn't normally involve pizza...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16or chips.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- What are those? - Onion bhajis.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Happy Birthday.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Thanks.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Well, I suppose we'd better think about what food we need to take on our trip.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Sorted. We're all set. - So, what...?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29DOOR OPENS
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Have you only just got in?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Um, someone's broken into our car. They've smashed the window.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Oh, not again! Why?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Bloody hell.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42The last lot took the stereo.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45What this country needs is more intelligent crackheads.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46What time do you call this?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Oh, well, I texted Mum to say I'd be staying late at Mikey's.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Right, but this is so past late, it's early.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Dad, you've got to check the car. That's your priority.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- I think I'll decide what my priority...- But we'll still be able to go, won't we?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Well... - Dad!
0:07:02 > 0:07:03BEN: Has the seat dried out yet?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Um, not really.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07- Rabbit! - What?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Roadkill. Aren't you playing?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12All I need is badger and pheasant and I've got the set.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14So, Spartacus The Musical,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16how's it going? You've gone a bit quiet about it.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Yeah, I'm a bit worried about a scene Spartacus has with Lavinia.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Yeah?
0:07:22 > 0:07:23I've got to kiss her.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Right. And who's playing Lavinia?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Tulsa.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28She's really short.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Like, half-a-dwarf short.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32What, you're worried that everyone will laugh?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34No. Will they?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- No. - Then...
0:07:36 > 0:07:37why did you say they would?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I didn't. I was just worried that's what you were worried about.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43They gave her the part to boost her confidence,
0:07:43 > 0:07:44you know, because of the lisp.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46In Spartacus?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- They're all going to laugh, aren't they?- No, no, I am sure I will be...
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Ah, look, badger!
0:07:51 > 0:07:52That wasn't a badger. That was a tyre.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54No, that was definitely a big badger
0:07:54 > 0:07:56or a very small nun.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57So they won't laugh?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Or a large penguin. - Will they laugh?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- God, no.- Can you just rehearse my lines with me?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05So there's this really cool new diet you should try.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07It's called the MJH diet,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10which stands for Muslim, Jewish, Hindu.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Basically, you cut out all the foodstuffs that those religions ban
0:08:13 > 0:08:16because those old guys back in the day, they understood about toxins
0:08:16 > 0:08:20and you get, like, triple karma from doing all three.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, Stacey, could I just borrow you for a moment?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Yeah. Sure thing.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26RAPPING: I'm not a slave, I'm not an animal.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You say I behave just like a cannibal.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32But my soul is brave and your actions are damnable.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35It's justice we crave and our spirit's unjammable.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37So, listen up, don't make a fuss,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39but know his name,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42it's Spartacus!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45HE IMITATES A RECORD SCRATCHING
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Um, Stacey,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I would prefer it
0:08:49 > 0:08:53if you didn't visit thinness and diet issues with Karen.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Oh, I... I didn't realise she was...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58She's not...yet.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I just don't want her obsessing about being thin.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Dead on.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Of course, you don't want her ending up a little fatty either.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Well, I...think we'll just let her find her own shape.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16She hasn't mentioned anything to you about food or...?
0:09:16 > 0:09:21Oh, well, she did say something about school meals being bad for your figure.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Oh, no, hang on, or was that me?
0:09:25 > 0:09:26RAPPING: No, I'm not a liar.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28We'll beat you like Hannibal.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Your legions are tired and your warships are rammable.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- It was a dead fox! - No way. That was a pheasant.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37RAPPING: We're not for hire and we're just not bannable.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Our hearts are on fire and your houses are flammable.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42This holy flame is part of us,
0:09:42 > 0:09:43but know his name...
0:09:43 > 0:09:48BOTH: It's Spartacus!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50So, did Mr Farthingwell write all the lyrics?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Yeah, he has a rhyming dictionary.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Hm, I think you can tell that.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57What's this?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Oh. Yeah, I was, um...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I was browsing around on the internet
0:10:01 > 0:10:05and I stumbled across these great travel offers.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Oh, Rome! Oh, I want to go there!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Yeah. Oh, now I vaguely remember you mentioning that.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Oh, Rome is amazing this time of year.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Oh, have you been?
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Um...not myself, personally,
0:10:16 > 0:10:20but people I know have, and they say this is the time to go.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Right now.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Karen, what is in that sandwich?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28The only thing I don't like about Rome is...is how they're cruel to animals.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Marmite, first course,
0:10:30 > 0:10:31cheese, main course,
0:10:31 > 0:10:32and Nutella for pudding.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36It kind of makes me tearful how they kill them in that coliseum.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Oh, well, I think they've stopped that now...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42..the gladiators and the lions.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Even the Christians.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47There's those guys with capes who stab bulls.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Oh, bullfighting. No, that's Spain.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Cos Rome's in Italy
0:10:52 > 0:10:55and the Italians are famously kind to their animals.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Oh.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Spain's also very nice.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04RAIN PATTERS
0:11:04 > 0:11:07All I'm saying is, strictly speaking,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Spartacus should sing in Latin.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Have you said this to Mr Farthingwell?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13"It's an effing musical, Spartacus," he said.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16He calls me Spartacus all the time now and I call him Lloyd Webber.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I wish all teachers were like him.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Yeah, well, there used to be quite a lot of teachers like him...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23but then Michael Gove had them all killed.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25SUE: Oh! What brings you downstairs?
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Breakfast.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Or, as we call it, lunch.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You know you need to try and relax, Mum? I am quite low-maintenance.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I could have been a...gangster,
0:11:34 > 0:11:35or...heroin addict,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37or a priest.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39So you weren't going to tell us about being out all night?
0:11:39 > 0:11:44Only so you wouldn't worry. I protect you from yourselves.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45What are you doing?
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Oh...ee...I'm...nothing, really. I'm just googling about.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Oh, so you're spying on what Karen's eating at school?
0:11:51 > 0:11:56I'm not spying. I am carefully monitoring, like any responsible...
0:11:56 > 0:11:57- Spy. - I... Jake!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59PHONE RINGS
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Hi there. How's things?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Fine, yeah. Are you having a nice time with Ben?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Yeah, he's just off trying out his new Bear Grylls flexible saw.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09He's a bit worried about the musical, though.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11He's got to kiss a very short girl with a lisp.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Everyone will laugh.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Yeah, I know, but...
0:12:14 > 0:12:15CRACKING
0:12:15 > 0:12:17CREAKING LOUD CRASH
0:12:18 > 0:12:20What was that?!
0:12:20 > 0:12:24It sounded a bit like a very large tree falling over.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Ben!
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Er, Pete,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31I've been looking at what Karen's been eating at school.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- What? - Since they've got these lunch cards,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36everything they buy shows up on the computer
0:12:36 > 0:12:39and I'm worried because... PHONE SIGNAL BREAKS UP
0:12:39 > 0:12:41...16... PHONE BEEPS AND GOES DEAD
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Ben, did that noise have anything to do with you?
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Dad, we should go.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49We should go.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Right.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54ENGINE STARTS
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Karen, is your mum OK with me staying here?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Grazia Magazine says that older women sometimes feel threatened
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- by having someone young and hot around.- Oh.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Ben really likes it, though.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Ahh, yeah. He's got a bit of a puppy crush on me.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13He's got a photo of you on his wall underneath his Theo Walcott poster.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Ohh, cute!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19And he's rigged up a series of mirrors
0:13:19 > 0:13:22to try and create a life-sized image of you standing next to his bed.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23LAUGHING: Ohh!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- Actually, that's quite creepy. - Yeah.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27- Boys, eh? - Is there anything else on?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34The Great British Bake Off. This show is pathetic.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Excuse me, I love this show.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37It's just watching people bake cakes.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- They do pies as well. - A pie is a type of cake.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Why would you have a show all about cakes?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43That's so... They're so bad for you.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45It's so boring...
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- It's so exciting, there's like drama...- Cakes.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- There's like... - JAKE:- There is drama, actually.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53One time someone stole someone else's custard and it was crazy.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Really? And then did everyone run around and decide to make another cake?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57That's all going to go straight on her thighs.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59And there's judges as well.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02OK, see the guy there with, like, the orange face and the blue eyes.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04They're complementary colours.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Well, I've had enough of this. Let's see what else is on.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07CHANNEL CHANGES LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Come Dine With Me.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Come Dine With Me, Come Dine With Me...
0:14:10 > 0:14:11CHANNEL CHANGES REPEATEDLY
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Dad, is this how you remember it, from when you were a kid?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Yes...apart from the fly-tipping.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Jesus!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23It's like a woodland IKEA!
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Top Gear, Top Gear,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30QI, QI, QI, QI...
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Ah, The Man With 10-Stone Testicles.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38What? He's a man with ten testicles made of stone?!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40What?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Er... No, Stacey, um, I think, basically,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46he's got testicles that weigh ten stone.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47A stone is a weight, you know?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Why would anybody even have ten testicles?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Look, look, two. Two fleshy testicles.- Oh, Jake, change the channel.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57How does he walk? He probably rolls.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02My uncle brought me and a couple of my mates down here,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05oh, 36 years ago...
0:15:05 > 0:15:06BIRDS CHATTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:09..before these woods were full of parakeets.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11We went swimming in that stream down there.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Cool. I'll go get some water.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16We carved our names on a tree round here somewhere.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Back before trees were important.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21What's that?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24It's a condom. According to The SAS Encyclopaedia Of Survival
0:15:24 > 0:15:26these things are the best things for carrying water.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Where did you get them?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Jake's room. They're really light and they can
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- carry around two litres of water. - Where in Jake's room?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Bedside table.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Right.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36And his sock drawer and his coat pocket.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I haven't got him into trouble, have I?
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Um, no.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46It looks like no-one's going to be... getting into trouble, so that's good.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Er, we do have bottled water in the car.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I'll still get some wild water from the stream and then I can disinfect it.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Bear Grylls strains it through his socks.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58OK, as long as you don't mind if I drink the non-condom-and-sock water.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02You know Bear Grylls drank liquid from a dead camel's intestines?
0:16:02 > 0:16:06I think that's where they get Baileys from.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07VOICE ON TV
0:16:07 > 0:16:10My sister had her boobs done for her 18th birthday.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Oh, really? - This is her in Bali.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- Oh, wow, yeah, her boobs look really...- Stacey, could I just, er...
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Borrow me?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Sure.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I reckoned, now Ben wasn't here, boob talk would be allowed.
0:16:24 > 0:16:30Yeah, it's just, um, watching a programme about cosmetic surgery with Karen there.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32No, it's about female empowerment.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35What? Freaking Hell, I Hate My Tits?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Yeah. - It's just...
0:16:38 > 0:16:42I don't want Karen to think it's normal for women to be slit open
0:16:42 > 0:16:45and have bits of plastic inserted into their bodies to please men.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50Oh. Well, with Kitty, my sis, it was more of a self-esteem issue.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53You see, she had one boob much smaller than the other.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54My brothers used to call it "The Hobbit".
0:16:54 > 0:16:58She did a couple of things that were probably just calls for help,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00but we thought it was best just to get it sorted.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- Well, that does sound different. - No, that's fine.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Plastic surgery. I'll add that to the no-no list.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Have you thought any more about Rome?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I'm just worried it's a bit...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14old.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Well, it has been there quite a while, but there are...
0:17:18 > 0:17:21And I've this mate working as an au pair in...Stoke?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- Stoke.- Yeah, I was thinking about visiting her.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Stoke, party capital of Europe.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Is it?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Dad, it looks a bit cloudy to see meteors.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Yeah, afraid so.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- Get me that bacon, would you? - The bacon was for the traps, Dad.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38You've set traps?
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Yeah. To catch animals. It's in The SAS Encyclopaedia Of Survival.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46What are they, twigs that spring open?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Well, most are toggle and bait release deadfall basket traps.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Uh-huh.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55But I did also add some baited spring leg snares.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And where are these...snares?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Well, they're on the paths,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03all around the campsite, cos, you know, animals walk on paths.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05As do humans, of course, like me.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Well, then, you stay here,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10and then I'll just tell you when we've caught something.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Hang on, you have... You have brought food?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15No. You can't bring food. It's too heavy. You need to catch it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17And there's deer poo everywhere.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Your traps could catch a deer?!
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Maybe. I mean, probably not a red deer because they're, like, the size of cows.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25So we've got no food at all?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Maybe we should get the bacon out of the traps. If we washed it...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31They're really well camouflaged and, to be honest,
0:18:31 > 0:18:32I'm not really that sure where I left them.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36So, basically, we are stuck in the middle of nowhere,
0:18:36 > 0:18:37with no food...
0:18:39 > 0:18:43..and surrounded by well-camouflaged snares.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Correct.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Um...
0:18:52 > 0:18:56..Karen, I know that you've been talking to Stacey a lot
0:18:56 > 0:19:03and I just want you to know that you really don't have to worry
0:19:03 > 0:19:05about being...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07a nice size.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- Then why are you saying it? - Because you don't.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11There's lots of things I don't have to worry about,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14like being carried away by a condor.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Good, that's... - I don't have to worry about
0:19:16 > 0:19:18tripping and falling into the oven headfirst and being cooked.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20There are lots of things I don't have to worry about.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22So, what you're actually saying is,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I do need to worry about being a nice size.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27No! God, no, absolutely not!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28God, no! I...I...I...
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I couldn't... It...It couldn't matter less.
0:19:32 > 0:19:38It's just that I have stumbled upon
0:19:38 > 0:19:40what you've been eating at school...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42This is about the doughnuts, isn't it?
0:19:42 > 0:19:4516 in a week seems a lot.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I didn't eat them.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52LISPING: Thpartacuth, you are no leth a man than great Thaesar himself.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Let Caesar fight me one on one and then we will see who's boss.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Oh, Thpartacuth...
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Are you sure you want me to speak the way that Tulsa does it ?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Yes. Definitely. It helps to get used to it.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Oh, Thpartacuth, if you beat Thaesar, I would kith you.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10And what about now, Lavinia? Will you kiss me now?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Yeth.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Thanks, Dad.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So, are you sure that nobody will laugh?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Absolutely. They'll be...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22..too caught up in the romance.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Oh, look, some raisins from our last trip.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Can we eat those?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I mean, the mould is only... CLICK AND SNAP
0:20:31 > 0:20:33What the hell was that?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35One of my traps!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Why did you give the doughnuts to the other girls?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39You told me to build bridges and make friends.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Oh, you're buying friends with doughnuts?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- Yes. - Oh, God, that's a rel...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46No, actually, no, it's not, is it?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47I do know you can't buy friends.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52Well...you can, kind of, but you usually end up with the fat ones.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- Oh, Karen! - Oh, hello. It's Worrywoman.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57What are you worried about now?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I'm worried that I'm about to punch my son in the face.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06PETE: It's a rabbit. You've actually netted a rabbit.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- So what do we do now? - Kill it, gut it, cook it, eat it.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Well, whack it on the head with your club then.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I'm so hungry, I could eat any mammal.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Except a human, of course. - Probably not.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Or a panda cos they're endangered.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Or a liver of a polar bear because they're toxic.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23They're like huskies' livers. They're toxic as well.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24- And some sea lions actually have... - Ben?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- ..toxic livers. - Ben? It's OK.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29We don't have to kill it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32So, can we let the bunny go?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Yeah.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Oh, that was easy.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Oh, wow! Look at that!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Me and my mates carved that in 1977!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- BEN:- What?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Nothing. Doesn't matter.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Dad, there's a lot of cars parked up there on that track.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Yeah. Probably nature lovers.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59But they're flashing their lights. Do you reckon they're trying to signal?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Yep...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03but not to us.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Karen? This history essay, you've only done half a page.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10It's longer than Tequilla's.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Tequilla? - I texted her.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Why isn't anyone called Janet or John any more?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16There's a LaJanet in 7K.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19LaJanet?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I googled Stoke.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Isn't it lovely? - Well...
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I'm going to take a gap year.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- What? Whoa, whoa, hang on! - I've decided, Mum.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29But you decided you weren't months ago.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31What is it you want to do on a gap year?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32I haven't decided that.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Is this because you haven't finished your university application form,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39which you assured me was under control and has to be in by midnight?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- Definitely not. - Good. Have you finished it?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43- No. - Have you started it?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I don't need to. I'm going on a gap year.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Gap years are brilliant. As... - Stacey!
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Can you borrow me?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Just say no more words.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02It's probably the last chance we'll have to do stuff like this together.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Well, I thought that, too.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07No offence, but you're quite old already,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09and soon you'll just reach that age
0:23:09 > 0:23:11where you won't want to do stuff with me any more.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Oh, well, I thought it might be the other way round,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15now you're a teenager.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20Yeah, I mean...being a teenager is quite tricky.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I sometimes think I'm a bit weird.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Yeah, well, we all think we're a bit weird because we're the only ones
0:23:26 > 0:23:28who know all the stuff that goes on inside our heads.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Weird stuff does go on inside my head.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31I can imagine.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Because weird stuff goes on outside your head.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38You can always talk about it if you want.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Can I not talk about it if I want?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42That's fine too.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43- Don't say it, Mum. - Don't say what?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46That I'm going on a gap year for all the wrong reasons.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47I don't have to now, cos you've said it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Oh, Mum, look, I might as well put off going to uni for a bit.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Everyone I know who's graduated is either working in KFC
0:23:54 > 0:23:56or stuck in a duck costume handing out leaflets.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Yeah, but...
0:23:57 > 0:24:00And the fiscal cliff is still unresolved and how am I meant to fill in a form
0:24:00 > 0:24:05when I don't know what courses lead to what careers in three years' time?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And I've still got my student loan to pay off,
0:24:07 > 0:24:08then I'm never going get a mortgage
0:24:08 > 0:24:11and, oh, that's not even considering the Eurozone crisis.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Jakey, Jakey...
0:24:13 > 0:24:15come on!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17It's OK.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Look, I'll make us a nice cup of tea, and then we can just chill out.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Chill! It's "chill", Mum, for Christ's sake.- "Chill"!
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Right. Glad you're still taking the time to point that out.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Now,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31why don't we fill in this form
0:24:31 > 0:24:35just in case you change your mind again about a gap year.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Gap years are so...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41FOX BARKS
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Ben?
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Ben!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57So, what shall we put fifth?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Geography at Keele? Yeah, good.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Where is Keele? - It's, um...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06It's... It's below Newcastle and above
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Birming... I don't know,
0:25:08 > 0:25:09you're the one doing Geography.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Oh, stick it down.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Now you're in a better position to make a decision about gap year.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Sod it. No gap year.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Just get on with life.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Sure?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23All right then, that is us...
0:25:23 > 0:25:24done.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27So now all you have to do is send this off with your personal statement.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29You have done your personal statement, haven't you?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I've done a first draft.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Ben?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38The clouds have gone. I didn't know whether to wake you.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Oh, yeah.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Are they the meteors?
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Well, either that or Southampton's on fire. That is fantastic.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Those people in the cars down there.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50They still have their headlights on.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52They won't be able to see the meteors.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- No. - Do you reckon I should...tell them?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57No, best not, no.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Are they doggers?
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Yes, I think they are.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"I led a team on a charity walk through Morocco
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"to raise money for homeless people."?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Yeah, OK, fair enough. I did make that one up entirely, but, come on, Mum,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- everyone lies. - Yeah, but they lie better.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Well, actually, most kids,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20their parents write their personal statements for them.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21They...they contribute nothing?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Well, they read them,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25although Tommy forgot to do that.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27That's how he got caught out in interview,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29when they started asking about his missionary work in Angola.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34So did you like being a teenager?
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Not really.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I could cope with the misery and the acne,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I just wasn't very good at the rebellion.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42So I'm guessing you quite liked it when you turned 20?
0:26:43 > 0:26:44I wasn't great at that, either.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46So what bit did you like?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I quite like now.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53You like now? Despite having Karen and Jake and me and haemorrhoids?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Yeah, despite that.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00You see, I'm not sure about being a teenager,
0:27:00 > 0:27:01like, a proper one.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04To be honest, I quite like now.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Well, liking now, that's a real gift.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08That's as good as it gets. With luck, you'll...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10MAN SCREAMS
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- Shall we get back to the tent? - I think that's best.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Here, Mum, listen - this is really cool.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Last night, these slugs crawled into my boots.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Go and take them off.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25They're actually quite comfy.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27How are you feeling?
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Fine.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I'm really glad we did it.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33BEN: I'll run a bath, cos we're both really smelly.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Ben is brilliant at setting traps.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37So he caught something, then?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39A rabbit, a labradoodle, and two doggers.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43They should put that on their list of 50 things to do with your kids.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47It's something to go on his personal statement...when I write it.
0:27:47 > 0:27:5211.57 that application went in last night. Three minutes to midnight!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- JAKE:- We got there, didn't we?
0:27:54 > 0:27:55I bet she's rolling her eyes.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Relax, Mum, it was fine.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01I expect you know... Jake is very chilled.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03- "Chill." - Hm?
0:28:03 > 0:28:04I'm chill, not chilled.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Oh, this is cheating. You told us yesterday it was "chilled".
0:28:06 > 0:28:08- Hiya, Dad. - Hi, darling, what's new?
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Mum got rid of Stacey.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- No, I did not! - She paid for
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- her train ticket to Scotland. - She wanted to visit Edinburgh.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Mum told her it was always sunny.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Hang on, how much is a return ticket to Edinburgh?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Well, it wasn't a return.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23You need to watch Ben,
0:28:23 > 0:28:24cos I think he's got
0:28:24 > 0:28:26food issues.