0:00:03 > 0:00:04TV ON
0:00:04 > 0:00:05Doctor Zhivago!
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Yes!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Just in time for the massacre.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12PHONE RINGS
0:00:13 > 0:00:15TV OFF
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Hiya.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19- What are you up to? - 'Oh, you know.'
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Hard at it. Just getting stuck in to some odd jobs.
0:00:22 > 0:00:23'Don't forget that'
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Dave is coming round to fix the central heating,
0:00:26 > 0:00:28cos they're saying it could be minus seven tomorrow.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31You're not going to do a joke about global warming, are you?
0:00:31 > 0:00:32- No.- 'Good.'
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Cos I heard three of those in the newsagent's.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Karen should be back by five
0:00:37 > 0:00:41- and can you make sure she... - Don't you worry. Everything is under control.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42OK, bye
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Eh?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49VOICE MAIL INDISTINCT
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Oh, no.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53No!
0:00:56 > 0:00:57BACKGROUND CHATTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:06OK. Melissa, so, um...
0:01:06 > 0:01:10I've made a seating plan, so if you sit here...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12See? "Melissa".
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And, er, Judy, if you could sit here... PHONE RINGS
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Oh, hang on. Sorry, this won't take a sec. Hello.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23My stupid phone has been storing up voice mails from hours ago.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26'There is one from Dave the plumber, who is stuck on another job.'
0:01:26 > 0:01:30So he needs me to go and pick up the pump from the...pump place.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32And the other one is from the garage,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35saying that I have to pick up the car by 4.30 today.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36But they said tomorrow!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38No, they are closing tomorrow...
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- But it's a bank holiday on Monday! - 'Exactly.'
0:01:41 > 0:01:43So, if I don't shift my arse,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45we're going to have no heating and no car for three days.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Sorry, you're breaking up. I didn't hear that.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Is there any chance of you getting home for Karen?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53No!
0:01:53 > 0:01:59This...this video-conferencing thing is with a potential American client
0:01:59 > 0:02:02and they've asked me to set it up and sit in on the discussion,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04'so they're finally taking me seriously.'
0:02:04 > 0:02:07They're not going to take me seriously if I bunk off home
0:02:07 > 0:02:08and cook my daughter's fish fingers.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10'Tell Jake to cover Karen.'
0:02:12 > 0:02:13SIGHS
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Sorry about that.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20Okey-dokey. Let's get this Skype connection up and running.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25And...abracadabra.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Bish-bash-bosh.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Hi-ho, hi-ho,
0:02:36 > 0:02:41it's off to w... I'm just going to ring IT.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Pick up, pick up... Ah, Jake!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- Any chance of a lift? - What?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I've lost my Oyster card, and it looks like snow.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50You've lost... Hang on - you don't have an Oyster card. You lost it last week.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Yeah, I took yours.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53So when you say you've lost your Oyster card,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55what you mean is, you've lost my Oyster card?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Yeah. Bummer, eh?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Well, I can't give you a lift cos I haven't got a car, so you'll just have to buy a ticket and...
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- I can't do that - I've got no cash. - You've got no cash?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- What kind of person... - PHONE BEEPS
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Hold on a minute.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Hiya.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Karen's just texted. She's forgotten her key.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Jake is OK to let her in, isn't he?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Well...
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Someone has to let her in, Pete.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22If Mrs Delgado spots her freezing on the doorstep, she'll report us to Social Services again.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- No, she... - She will, Pete.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27There'll be interviews and spot checks and...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30it'll be Ben and the harpoon all over again.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31'Look, I will sort it.'
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Jake? Listen, I've got to go fetch a pump and a car and I need someone to let Karen in.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- I can probably make it home in time. - Good man. - Provided I get a taxi.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- I'm not paying for a... - PHONE BEEPS
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Hold on.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Yeah?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Another text from Karen.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49The headmistress wants to see her, so she's being kept back after school.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Splendid!
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Splendid?!
0:03:51 > 0:03:55No, obviously that's not splendid, no, but it does
0:03:55 > 0:03:59take the pressure off a bit. Just leave it all with me, OK?
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Still there?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- So, about this taxi. If... - 'No taxi, Jake.'
0:04:02 > 0:04:06You've got to use your own initiative. You can't just keep forgetting stuff.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08You need to be more organised.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12You're 17 now - you're about to head out into the real world.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Come on, Dad, look....
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Can't chat - got to ring Karen.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16PHONE RINGS
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Come in, Karen.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I expect you'd like to turn that off, wouldn't you?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Yes, Mrs Raynott.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Eh?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Oh, I'll send a...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Bloody predictive text!
0:04:34 > 0:04:40Why would I be sending a text to someone called Karma?!
0:04:40 > 0:04:45We have invented technology that is more impatient than we are.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- PHONE RINGS - Ah! Ben!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Listen, how quickly can you get home?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51My name is Lee.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Sorry? - 'My name is Lee.'
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I find phone.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57I'm sorry, this is a very bad...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59'My name is Lee.'
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I ring first number.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03OK, I understand.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05'Where are you?'
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I am Lee.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Yes. Where are you?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12No hear. Bad phone.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17- (SLOWLY)- 'Listen, that is my son's phone.'
0:05:17 > 0:05:21I tell him to come find you.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Where...are...you?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28I am...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Lee. Yes, I think we've established that.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39So...
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Karen Brockman.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42I've heard a lot about you,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44especially in the weekly staff meetings.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Now then, I understand you've been having a bit of trouble
0:05:48 > 0:05:51adapting to secondary school and that's not unusual -
0:05:51 > 0:05:53different children react in different ways.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58But I have to say, in my 19 years as a head,
0:05:58 > 0:06:03this is the first time I've had one write a formal letter of complaint...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05to the governors.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Do your parents know you wrote this?- No,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I don't usually involve them in school stuff.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13They just...panic.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Well, Karen, I must congratulate you on a very thorough review
0:06:18 > 0:06:20of the school's shortcomings.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23You've certainly saved Ofsted the bother of a visit(!)
0:06:23 > 0:06:24I particularly like this very helpful list
0:06:24 > 0:06:28of all the rules you think are "lame".
0:06:28 > 0:06:32I wonder if you'd be kind enough to talk me through your findings.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Read it to me.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Go on.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42"Number one - staff defects..."
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Hi, Dad.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45- Jake, listen,... - 'I'm OK to get home now,'
0:06:45 > 0:06:48thank you for asking. Mikey lent me his Oyster.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Good, good. Can you just nip back to the school,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53and can you pop into Ben's Spartacus rehearsal
0:06:53 > 0:06:57and tell him that a Chinese man called Lee has found his phone
0:06:57 > 0:07:00and is waiting for him in the cafe on the common?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03'OK? I'm going to whizz out just as soon'
0:07:03 > 0:07:06as I can find my bloody keys.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Oh, I've got those.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Well, where are your keys?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I wish I knew.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Why does this family lose everything?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I'm going to start nailing things to people's hands.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Nope, I didn't get that. Your phone is so crap.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Just get back here to let Karen in, OK?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Spare keys, spare keys,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29spare keys, spare keys...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Spare keys, spare keys...
0:07:32 > 0:07:36In the fruit bowl with all the fruit - where else?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"13 - the kitchen staff can get very rude
0:07:38 > 0:07:41"if you ask them when they last washed their hands.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42"14..."
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Shall we take the remaining 12 points as read? We don't want your voice getting tired, do we?
0:07:45 > 0:07:50What was your primary school like, Karen? Was it small?
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Small and friendly?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Quite small, yes.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56And I bet you got lots of gold stars, didn't you?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Cos at primary school they dish out gold stars for...
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Well, for breathing, really.
0:08:00 > 0:08:06But my job at this school is gradually to introduce children to the adult world.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10So here, we get judged on performance.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Now, how do you feel you've been performing, Karen?
0:08:14 > 0:08:20I think my performance can improve in some areas.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21That's good.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24But I think some teachers have been under-marking me.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Oh, yes. Point number 24.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31How are we doing? Are we sorted?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35We're fine. Jake's on his way back, I'm off to the garage -
0:08:35 > 0:08:37everything is under control. Mrs Delgado
0:08:37 > 0:08:39is looking at me. I'm giving her a friendly wave as I say,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"Burn in hell, you nosy cow."
0:08:44 > 0:08:46(SIGHS) I've never seen one do this before.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Yes, you have mentioned that.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Um, what's the ETA, Brett? Only this meeting should have started three minutes ago.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Have you tried switching it... - Off and on again? Yes, I have, several times,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58because I am aware that this is a highly sophisticated piece of technology
0:08:58 > 0:09:02that can sometimes be fixed by randomly switching it off and on.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I know. It's weird, isn't it?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06PHONE RINGS
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Yes, Jake?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11They wouldn't let me on the bus. Mikey's Oyster had nothing on it.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13He gave you an Oyster with no credit on it?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15He didn't know - it's his dad's Oyster.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Oh, for...
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Did you give Ben that message?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Er, no. He wasn't there. The rehearsal got cut short. Ben'll probably be home by now.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25So if I get a cab, he could probably pay for it when I get there.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Dad?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Dad...?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31ENGAGED TONE
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Hmm!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35So let me get this right, Frank.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38You're calling us because we're paying too much for our electricity?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40ENGAGED TONE
0:09:40 > 0:09:41PHONE RINGS
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Jake's just texted - he's stranded.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Who's going to be home for Karen? Have you contacted her?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49No, her phone's off. But, I'll text her and tell her the spare key's in the big flowerpot.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53It's illegal to leave an 11-year-old at home on their own.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Yeah, but the phone's busy. I think Ben must be at home.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00It's also illegal to leave a 13-year-old in charge of an 11-year-old.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Yeah, but it's...less illegal.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05"Less illegal"?
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Yeah.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Also, that 13-year-old is Ben, a boy
0:10:09 > 0:10:12who several insurance companies have blacklisted.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I'll ring Janet over the road
0:10:14 > 0:10:16and see if she can cover till you or Jake gets back.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Fine. I'm nearly at the garage.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22All right, ladies. Looks like we're in business.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Sue?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I-I've just got to, um... I-I-I...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I won't be a tick. I've just...got to...
0:10:29 > 0:10:30SIGHS
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Oh, hi, Janet.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Jane?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Oh!
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Hello, Jane.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Yeah, do you know, actually, I rang you by mistake.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I meant to ring someone else - I meant to ring Ja...
0:10:53 > 0:10:57No. No, I haven't been in touch for a while. I'm sorry about that -
0:10:57 > 0:10:58things have been a bit...
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Eight months? As long as that?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Yeah, well, as I say, things have...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Have you? Right.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13- Hello.- Good afternoon.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I've come to collect my car. My name's Brockman.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21- Of course. They bring out for you in a moment. Would you like a coffee? - Er, no, thank you.- Tea? Juice?
0:11:21 > 0:11:22No, really, I'm...
0:11:22 > 0:11:23We have juice-maker.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24No, honestly, I'm fine.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Help yourself to magazine.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Thanks, I am in a b...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29ENGAGED TONE
0:11:29 > 0:11:33One question. What exactly is a direct debit?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38No. Oh, OK, yeah, my parents are going to have to deal with this.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Oh, yeah, sorry, I'm only 13.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Yeah. Yeah, you're right - I do have a deep voice.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48It's actually why I was given the part of Spartacus in school.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Yeah, it's about the whole story of Spartacus.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Except now I don't get crucified because two RE teachers threatened to resign.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55No.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00No, i-it doesn't mean you're a bad picker of men, it's just...
0:12:00 > 0:12:03A-ha. Li... Li...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Listen, Jane...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Mm-hm.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Cage-fighter. Aha...
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Well, at least he wasn't a jihadist like the last one.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Oh, he was. Right.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Listen, now's not a great...
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Don't cry.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Please, don't...don't cry.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Sorry to abandon you, Karen. Bit of an issue over whether
0:12:28 > 0:12:31someone's allowed to throw a javelin whilst wearing a niqab.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Perhaps you might like to mention that in your next missive to the governors.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Biscuit?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Um, OK.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Garibaldis.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Tell me, Karen, do you like Roald Dahl?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Sorry?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Have you read much Roald Dahl?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49When I was younger, yes.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51And which was your favourite? Was it Matilda? I bet it was.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Yes, it was.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Yes, Matilda. A very special little girl who refuses to buckle under,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and so defeats all those stupid grown-ups.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03It's a great story.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Shall I tell you something, Karen?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I'd ban Roald Dahl.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12He's probably ruined more children's lives than polio.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Ruined them with the ludicrous belief that all adults are stupid
0:13:16 > 0:13:19and can routinely be outwitted by small children and the occasional fox.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21More bickies?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I will call you back in a while, I promise.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29You just...relax and...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32get on top of the hyperventilating thing.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34OK, cos I... Cos I really should be in a m...
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Oh, I...can't 'ear. You're brea'...up...
0:13:43 > 0:13:44PHONE OFF
0:13:47 > 0:13:48SIGHS
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Yeah...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Oh, no!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I dunno. These things are great when they work, in't they?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00You see, Karen...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03you're a kid...and we're adults.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06We outrank you.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09We're stronger than you, we know more stuff than you
0:14:09 > 0:14:10and we can reach things you can't.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13And, yes, we may sometimes come up with some stupid rules
0:14:13 > 0:14:16but, nonetheless, them's the rules.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Not all of the grown-ups in Matilda are stupid.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Her form tutor, Miss Honey, was nice. She let Matilda go and live with her.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24In the real world, dear,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Miss Honey would be sacked for inappropriate behaviour.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Now, if you like reading, I recommend this.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Lord Of The Flies.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Yup. That's what really happens when children get to make the rules - corpses everywhere.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40So, Karen Brockman,
0:14:40 > 0:14:45what are we going to do about your little complaint...hmm?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- PHONE RINGS OUT - Actually, will it be much longer?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- Only I am up against a bit of... - 'Hello.'
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Ben! You have been on the phone for ages!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Did you know we're paying too much for our electricity?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00What? Look, you've lost your phone.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Didn't get that.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03You've lost your phone.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Oh! Yeah, right.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I noticed I hadn't got it.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08I thought maybe I'd left it at home.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Well, why didn't you borrow a phone and ring home to check?
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Oh, I don't know our phone number.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16You don't know your own home phone number?!
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Oh, come on. Who knows phone numbers? We have phones to remember those.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Look, get on your bike, shoot up to the cafe on the common
0:15:23 > 0:15:26and collect your phone from a fella called Mr Lee.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29'Then head straight home, OK? It's very important.'
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Karen's forgotten her key.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34And how exactly do I recognise this Mr Lee?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38He's a Chinese tourist in a cafe in Ealing.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Now, get going.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- MACHINE WHIRS - Excuse me.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Excuse me.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Excuse me... Hello!
0:15:48 > 0:15:49MACHINE STOPS
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Right, like I was saying, I am in a bit of a....
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Juice? Cranberry and wheatgrass?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- No, thank you. - Carrot and apple is very calming.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- No, I'm sure...- I also have beetroot, blueberry...- Yep, good.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- ..strawberry, banana, ginger... - Super. No, thank you!
0:16:01 > 0:16:02I have to pick up a pump
0:16:02 > 0:16:05and I'm a little bit worried that they might close, so if...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- PHONE RINGS - Excuse me.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Janet's not picking up. Will someone....
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Will someone definitely be home for Karen?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Ben should be back by then. - You're breaking up.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- I said, Ben should be in the house because...- Still can't hear.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Is this better?- Yep. Better. - Right,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- I said, we should be OK, because Ben...- No, you're gone again.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- How's this? - You're all hissy.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Are you sure you're not standing too close to an appliance?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Oh, right, yeah. Silly me. I've got my head in a microwave.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Oh, so you heard that - that's excellent. Now... - You're breaking up.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37You...you really need to replace that phone.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38I can't hear you.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Maybe it's me - I'll try moving around a bit.- I'll go outside.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Is this better?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- No, you... - Is that any better?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47CAR ENGINE ROARS
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Is that any better?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Can you hear me?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Yes!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Right, no-one move!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56The situation is this. I'm just...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09CHATTER
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Excuse me. I am really up against it now.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24When I arrived, you said my car would be ready in a moment
0:17:24 > 0:17:27and that was quite a few moments ago.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Of course. I chase up you at once, Mr Brockman.- Well, you...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32PHONE RINGS
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Why haven't you answered my text? - Well, which one?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You've been sending them at the rate of about one a minute,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38each of them saying something different.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- You see, this is the trouble with texting.- And he's off.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45It is a licence for indecision and unpunctuality and...
0:17:45 > 0:17:50- Once you've got the car, you'll pick me up outside Nando's? Right. Cheers, mate, bye.- What?!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Yay! Hooray. We have liftoff. - At last.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Mr Johnson? Welcome.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02I'm Sue Brockman, acting deputy office co-ordinator
0:18:02 > 0:18:04here at Optimum Outcomes.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Er, firstly, I'd like to apologise for the delay.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I hope we haven't kept you waiting for too long.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Am I supposed to be seeing something?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I'm supposed to see something, aren't I? I'm not seeing anything.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Mr Johnson, can you... Can you hear us? Cos we can see you.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Mr Johnson, it's, er, Melissa - Melissa Grainger.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22We can see you but we can't...
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Can you get Jason from IT in here? - Can you hear what we're...?- Crap never works.- This is ridiculous.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27(MUMBLES) Brett?
0:18:29 > 0:18:34OK, I've spoken to Danny and he said your car will be ready shortly.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Shortly?
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Yes.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Could you be a bit more...precise?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40It will be ready presently.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- No, you see, "presently" is no better than "shortly"...- Directly? - I- need a time, not an adverb.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47How many minutes?
0:18:49 > 0:18:50I check for you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Goddamn it, Jason. This meeting with the British assholes
0:18:55 > 0:18:57was supposed to have taken place 20 minutes ago.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Mr Johnson, we can hear you.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I hate every inch of this cr...
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Hey, geronimo! I see something!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Er, hi, Mr Johnson. Er, can you see me?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- I see a forehead.- Ooh, right. Well, if we just...we just....
0:19:11 > 0:19:15I can't negotiate with a forehead. I have to look 'em in the eyes...
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Is that good?
0:19:16 > 0:19:17PHONE RINGS
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Sue! I'd hugely appreciate it if you didn't take any more calls. With you in a second, Mr Johnson.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22That's not a face. That's the...
0:19:22 > 0:19:26(CHUCKLES) OK. Yeah, yeah.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Great, I'll tell him.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32OK, so Barry said your car will be ready in 15 to 40 minutes...ish.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- They're twiddling with something. - Did he say exactly what they're twiddling?
0:19:35 > 0:19:40No, the guys don't like to confuse me with technical bollocks.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- OK, sorry, I can't risk not collecting that pump. - When will you collect your car?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Presently. Directly. Shortly(!)
0:19:46 > 0:19:49So, Karen, after careful consideration,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I've decided I'm going to file your little tome.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Actually, could you file it for me?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Where, Mrs Raynott?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02In the green, circular filing cabinet by your feet.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I bet you win all the arguments at home, don't you?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Of course you do. Cos they're family - they're your prisoners.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16You can grind them down day after day.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18But I'm not your prisoner, am I, Karen?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20No, Mrs Raynott.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23To me, you're just one child out of several hundred.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27You see, Karen, everybody is unique... but nobody's special.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28That's the real world.
0:20:28 > 0:20:34And the real world isn't going to change, so you are going to have to. OK?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36OK.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41All I needed was someone to explain it to me.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Splendid! I sense the emergence of a team player.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Do you know, Karen, I once knew a little girl like you
0:20:47 > 0:20:50a long, long time ago.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51She was clever.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54She had lots of opinions, which she loved to share.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57She thought she was the centre of the universe
0:20:57 > 0:20:59and she didn't think the rules should apply to her.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02And do you know what happened to that strong-willed little girl?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Did she become a head teacher?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07No, she got expelled. She's in prison now.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Turns out the rules did apply to her after all.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Bye-bye, Karen. Enjoy the book.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Oh! Phew!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I was worried you'd be closed.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26It's Mr Brockman. I've come to collect a pump for my central heating.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30It's £112, please.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Just in time, eh?
0:21:32 > 0:21:36There's talk of blizzards tomorrow. So much for global warming, eh?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Yeah, although, actually...
0:21:39 > 0:21:40What?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Doesn't matter.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48'Hi. This is Ben. Sadly, I'm afraid I'm unavailable to talk right now
0:21:48 > 0:21:51'as I've been abducted by aliens.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56'Please leave a message. Aargh!
0:21:56 > 0:21:57'They're probing me!'
0:21:57 > 0:21:58BEEP
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Ben, it's Dad. Are you home yet?
0:22:02 > 0:22:03This is coming up blocked.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It must be so cool being Chinese. I mean, there's so many of you,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11it must be really easy to find people with the same interests as you.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13There's only 70 million people in the UK
0:22:13 > 0:22:16and I still haven't found anyone like me.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20And you get to eat snakes and sea slugs and birds' nests and stuff like that.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Also, in China, do you guys send out for English takeaways?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26You talk fast.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- MR JOHNSON:- '..fully baked before this thing is ready to roll.' - OK.- 'Um,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32'you know what? I think Bob from our Zurich office
0:22:32 > 0:22:35'needs to be in on this conversation. Is there any way can we patch him in?'
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Oh, I'm sure we can manage that, can't we, Brett?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Irregular spending pattern?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Yeah, well, you can't just block my card without war...
0:22:48 > 0:22:49You sent me a voice mail?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Oh, well, I will probably get that sometime next month.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Yes, I can definitely confirm that I am me,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58and I'm really in a hurry so...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02My memorable place? OK, my memorable place is...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06..Arsenal?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08OK, then it's Ealing. OK, it's not Ealing.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Look, I've had this card for ages!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Er...
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Edinburgh.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Torbay.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Lindisfarne.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20'And so we're going to go through those steps, and I have to
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- 'dot all the T's and cross all the I's...' - PHONE CHIMES
0:23:22 > 0:23:26'..to make sure that we're kosher with the folks upstairs. But I'll tell you this...
0:23:26 > 0:23:33'Er, you folks are certainly, right now, my number-one pick, er...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35provided that you are able to...'
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Oh!
0:23:36 > 0:23:37SUE: I'm sorry.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Don't call me. I'll call...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42My mother's maiden name is Hatton - is that not enough?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44My favourite colour is blue.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46W-We had a cat called Timmy. I...
0:23:46 > 0:23:47- PHONE RINGS - Oh, Sue.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50This had better be fantastically important!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52No, it's a credit-card check.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Can you remember my memorable place? Because I can't.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- I should have picked a more memorable memorable place, but I... - 'All right. OK,'
0:23:59 > 0:24:01just... Just calm down.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02I've lost you.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Oh, this bloody phone...
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Calm down. Your memorable place is...
0:24:06 > 0:24:07DRYER WHIRS
0:24:07 > 0:24:09..the same as...
0:24:09 > 0:24:10DRYER STOPS
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Your memorable place is the same as
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- 'my memorable place.' - Oh, that is...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16It's where we first met.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Right, so that's, um...
0:24:19 > 0:24:20..Yates's Wine Lodge?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23No, where we first met. For the first time.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Oh, right, where we... Where we... Where we...
0:24:26 > 0:24:28First met. The place where...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30You can't remember where we first met, can you?
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- Sue, I'm under a lot of pressure here.- For God's sake, it's New...
0:24:34 > 0:24:35LINE BREAKS UP
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Sue, you're breaking up. I missed the second bit.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38New...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40LINE BREAKS UP
0:24:41 > 0:24:42No, I missed the same bit again.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Oh!
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Right. OK, listen, it's definitely got the word "new" in it.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53What do you mean, that's not enough?!
0:24:53 > 0:24:57OK, um, New Cross. New Malden.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Newcastle-upon-Tyne.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Newcastle-under-Lyme.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05New...sagent.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Hello?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11OK, I'm nearly home now.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13SUE: 'OK, let me check I've got this right.'
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Our 11-year-old daughter
0:25:15 > 0:25:21is most likely standing on our doorstep, in full view, frozen solid.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24And we have absolutely no idea where her brothers are.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26That's the gist of it, yeah.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27And we have no heating and no car.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Nope.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31But the good news is... Karen's not standing on the doorstep.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33'That's not good news!'
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Where the hell is she?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Listen, I'm going to ring the school.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Don't worry. I'll ring you back.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42- KAREN:- Is that you, Dad?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Yeah, I'm just...
0:25:51 > 0:25:55- I thought you'd forgotten your key! - Yeah, turned out it was in my inside coat pocket.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Oh.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57- PHONE RINGS - It...
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Ben, is that you?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I can't hear anything - your phone's crap.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07Where in God's name are you?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I'm at the cafe on the common with Mr and Mrs Lee and their friends.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Listen, if we ever go to Shanghai I've got loads of addresses.
0:26:13 > 0:26:19- Can I bring some of them home for tea?- Ben, I've had a very difficult day and I really don't want to be...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21invaded by Chinese hordes.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23That's a bit racist.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"Chinese hordes" isn't racist.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- Oh! Oh, oh, I thought you said "whores".- What?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- SHOUTS:- Chinese whores!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34You need to replace that phone.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35DOOR BELL RINGS
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Ben...just...come home now.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- RINGING CONTINUES - All right, all right!
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Oh! Let me guess - you've lost your key. Or, rather, you've lost my key.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Er, no. I've lost the feeling in my hands -
0:26:49 > 0:26:50couldn't turn the bloody thing.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Thanks for picking me up, by the way(!)
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I couldn't get the car...or the pump.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58They refused my card, and I forgot my memorable place.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00You forgot something?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Ah, well, you need to be more organised, Dad.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04You're nearly 49 now.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- Yes, OK. - You'll be heading out
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- into the real world soon. - OK.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I'm going to make a cup of tea. Who else would like one?
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Did you hear that?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Yes.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Any takers?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Yes, I'd like one, please, Karen. Thank you.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23METAL CLANGS
0:27:23 > 0:27:24What was that?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Oh, that's the plumber. I let him in earlier.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Dave?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Dave? - Yeah?
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Listen...I couldn't get that pump. I'm really sorry.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Oh, don't worry.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Turns out I had another one in the back of the van.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44You had one?
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Yeah. I left another voice mail, couple of hours ago. Didn't you get it?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51No.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53No, I didn't.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57PHONE RINGS
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Hello.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Hi, Mum. Yeah. No, everyone's accounted for here.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- How's your big meeting going? - 'Well...'
0:28:05 > 0:28:09we had some problems, but everything seems to be sorted now.
0:28:09 > 0:28:14'...a very valid point. I am going to have to confer with Bob on this.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16'Bob, do those numbers make sense to you?'
0:28:16 > 0:28:18So, everything's all right at home?
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Everything's good.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Although Dad does need a new phone.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Ah, yeah, I know...
0:28:23 > 0:28:25No, he needs to get a new phone because he's stamping on this one.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Stamping?
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Yeah, kind of stamping.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Kind of hard to describe.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Have you ever seen Riverdance?