0:00:02 > 0:00:03- What do you need?- I need...
0:00:03 > 0:00:06Do you need aspirin, paracetamol, codeine? I dunno, Pepto-Bismol?
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Oh, is it...oh-ah...
0:00:08 > 0:00:11- Uggh!- Arrgh!- I'm so sorry!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Hello, and welcome to Outtake TV.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Another collection of the bits you haven't seen,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46together with several more they'd much rather you never saw again.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50MUSIC: "Smile" By Lily Allen
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I can't take it!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08And now we're in the spirit of things,
0:01:08 > 0:01:10let's turn the spotlight on
0:01:10 > 0:01:13the BBC's drama department and Jane Eyre.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16As you'd expect, the costumes are faultlessly authentic,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18the settings dangerously accurate.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Shame about the actors.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23You still owe me wages.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- BLEEP.- What do I say?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:39'Ah, there you are'.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Is Adele in bed?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Ah,- BLEEP!- I can't remember!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:49 > 0:01:51What has happened here?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Master was reading in bed...
0:01:54 > 0:01:58And I've forgotten completely what happens next.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07JANE GIGGLES
0:02:11 > 0:02:12- THUD - Ow!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER BLEEP!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- I'm only gone for 24 hours and I return to this?- BLEEP!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:29BLEEP!
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Yeah? Cut?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- LAUGHTER - "Cut?" I don't remember Charlotte Bronte ever writing that.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44And while we're in horse mode, let's head off to Royal Ascot.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Where would that great sporting occasion be
0:02:46 > 0:02:49without the traditional "little Willy" jokes?
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Jodie, in the Royal Hunt Cup, you'll back your husband's horse?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Yes, I think I've got another one, but I can't remember.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I've lost so much. I'm not going to bet again.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01We're going to leave you and Willy because you look so fine.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03You look so fine together,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06we think that is the scene we should leave you with.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:10This lady had a bet in this race. Can you tell me your name?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Sheila.- Ha-ha-ha, honestly(?)
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Honestly.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- And you've backed?- Roxanne.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Earlier you told me that you were going to back Roxanne
0:03:20 > 0:03:23cos your name was Roxanne - I've been duped!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Oh, sorry. Yeah.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- And why are you backing Roxanne? - I just fancied the name.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34And looking at the new course today, what do you think of it?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Oh, I think it'll win.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:42I get the feeling, had you not been such a willowy beautiful thing,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46you would have forsaken the catwalk and been a professional sportswoman.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Absolutely! It would have been show jumping, cos I gave up show jumping...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Hello.- Oh, hello. It's my beer stand!
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- I'm not a fly. I am not a fly. - Hello, down there.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- How's the weather? - It's fine, slightly windy up here.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Oh, it's not so windy down here.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04- LAUGHTER - That's Jodie Kidd,
0:04:04 > 0:04:08who's 6ft 1, or if you prefer, just over 18 hands.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12And from Willy jokes, let's pan upwards to Claire of the big hats.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15She does take risks that girl.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Rides quite well, little bit uphill, we saw a few fallers yesterday.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Still takes a lot of jumping.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25If a horse takes off too soon they can ejaculate the jockey forward.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER That happened to Jack High.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30They do what Claire, with the jockey?
0:04:30 > 0:04:35If a horse takes off too soon, they can ejaculate the jockey right forward.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38No wonder Willy Carson's so small.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39LAUGHTER
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Meanwhile the more refined atmosphere
0:04:41 > 0:04:43of A Question Of Sport.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45APPLAUSE
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Hello and welcome to A Question Of Sport.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52With q...uh, sorry!
0:04:52 > 0:04:53LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I did have to be Philippa in the Olympics.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- You're known as Philippa Funnell?- Yes.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Oh, believe me, it gets a lot better.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Why? Why Pippa?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Because Pippa in Greek meant...say...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- BLEEP- job.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- What d'you think? - I think it's a female.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Peter?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:39With what goes on today, I'm not sure.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I've just been watching Big Brother. Oh, my lord!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I hope I go before it's compulsory.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:59In this, you need to count the number of bikes you see.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Now that's a disgrace, Sue!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Is that open to our own interpretation?- Exactly!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:10What actually qualifies as a bike nowadays?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I don't want to read my next line cos it said,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16"This could be any type of bike".
0:06:16 > 0:06:17LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:22You need to count the number of bikes you see.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24This can be any type of bike...
0:06:24 > 0:06:26or bicycle...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I can't do this...I can't. See his...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- SUE COUGHS - Steel yourself, come on!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Here's the first one.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:50In this you need to count the number of bikes...
0:06:50 > 0:06:51LAUGHTER
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- He hasn't done anything! - He looked at me.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55He hasn't done anything!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59If I do it again, I won't look at you.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Right.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Fortunately, no such innuendo from our next contributors.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Despite the fact they go by the names of Dick and Dom.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Hello? Hello?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- 'Hello'.- All right, Carly?- 'Hi.'
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- How are you?- 'I'm fine.'
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Where have you been on your holidays this summer?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22'I've been in hospital.'
0:07:22 > 0:07:23LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:26No, it's not funny!
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Window, trousers, meerkat, summer,
0:07:31 > 0:07:39- combination?- Window, trousers, meerkat, summer, cuts the trousers?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:41BUZZER
0:07:42 > 0:07:44DOM SQUEALS
0:07:44 > 0:07:46RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:56You haven't awarded any points yet.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:58 > 0:08:01You stupid fish! We haven't finished the game yet!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03He can't stop it!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05He's stuck!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08He's stuck in it!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:14And if you're wondering which one was Dick...
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Either way, on to Dick and Dom senior.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Now, listen.- I'm all ears. - I know you are, but listen anyway.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- They're from a top television company.- American?- Hmm.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Now, listen.- I'm all ears. - I know you are, but listen anyway.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31They're from a top television American com...
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- HE JABBERS - Top American television company.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Now, listen.- I'm all ears. - I know you are, but listen anyway.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- They're from a top American TV company called Fine Spirits. - Are they?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46No, it's a TV PROGRAMME called Fine Spirits, not a company.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Now, listen.- I'm all ears. - I know you are, but listen anyway.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53They're from a top TV American company.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54HE JABBERS
0:08:54 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Now, listen.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Of course, no visit to children's TV would be complete,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04without popping in to Blue Peter.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Now, we all know what the elephant did in the studio.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Well, since then it seems the team have begun to slowly
0:09:11 > 0:09:14work their way through the animal kingdom.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Not only do they love the green, they love the heat.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Of course, we've got big studio lights.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21SHE SCREAMS
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- LAUGHTER - No, no, it's OK.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Imagine being bathed in them.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Hopefully after all this I'll be fit for my next Have A Go Geff Challenge,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35which is boxing... Cheers, Mabel. ..which you can see on Thursday.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39If I lie down next to him, I'll have a good idea...
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- He's done a wee! Look, everyone! - What? Oh...urgh!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Snake wee looks like human wee. - I think that's a bit of poo as well.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Dear me! That's what happens on live TV.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- It looks like scrambled eggs! - What's going on there?
0:09:52 > 0:09:56I've never seen that before, that's a first.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58You know what? That really smells as well.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- Urggh!- What has he been eating to, to...?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Rabbits.- Urggh!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Oh my gosh! And his, his...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Like, Gethin, the length of his wee is longer than you. - LAUGHTER
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Soon on Blue Peter,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16a competition to name the two new pet rabbits.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Next, Look North presenter Peter Levy,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23possibly not the first man in line for when David Attenborough retires.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I have to say, I've never been as nervous in my life.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Joining me in the studio is a six and a half foot boa constrictor
0:10:29 > 0:10:31and also a snake expert, Paul Kemp.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Paul, good evening to you. - Hiya.- I know it looks daft,
0:10:34 > 0:10:38but I had to sit over here cos I can't get any closer to you,
0:10:38 > 0:10:39I am so nervous.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Tell me about him. What's the worst he can do?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45He can constrict, but at the size he is
0:10:45 > 0:10:49he wouldn't be dangerous unless he was around your neck.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52If...sorry I keep looking at that tongue.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- He's smelling you. - Is he smelling me?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57He's smelling ME, is he?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER Is he all right?
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Are you sure?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Yes. If it's an eight-foot snake then ...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Is, is...?- He's OK.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08If it's an eight-foot snake then it would be possible
0:11:08 > 0:11:11that he could eat pet rabbits in gardens maybe,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13or small dogs in gardens.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- He's getting agitated.- He's not.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Well, I am anyway. LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:21And what you've just seen was the live version.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Here's Peter a few minutes earlier in rehearsal.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30PETER GASPS Oh!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:39But a real trouper, is Peter.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41He doesn't just read the news,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43he makes it up as he goes along.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46The Government insist there is no specific threat,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49but it's reported soldiers are being brought in
0:11:49 > 0:11:51to guard Britain's energy plants,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53after MFI discovered al-Qaeda plans to blow them up.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Who did?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58MFI discovered al-Qaeda plans to blow them up.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- LAUGHTER - Yes, of course, MFI.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Britain's top-secret furniture warehouse.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Time for something altogether more gentle now.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Amazingly, in its 34th year, it's Last Of The Summer Wine.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Oh, you're really very fit, Howard.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18What makes you think you need a rowing machine?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Oh, you're really very fit, Howard.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- MUFFLED:- Wait a minute, I haven't said me line yet.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30LAUGHTER
0:12:38 > 0:12:40So this is what mother meant when...
0:12:40 > 0:12:43DIALOGUE DROWNED OUT BY TRAIN
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Let's move on to that imaginary hospital
0:12:47 > 0:12:49somewhere in the West Country,
0:12:49 > 0:12:53and frankly, the last place you'd want to be if you were ill.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Action!- Arghh-ahh-arghh!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- BLEEP- it hurts like hell!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- Is it bad? (I just said- BLEEP,- didn't I?)
0:13:00 > 0:13:02LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Sorry.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Hi, Trisha.- 'How did it go?'
0:13:22 > 0:13:24It went well.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32THEY LAUGH
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- So you're an expert in parent-child relations?- It doesn't take Freud!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40You know nothing about having a child.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- You don't know how that feels. - Really?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Well, you're about as close to Mozart as Elvis was...
0:13:46 > 0:13:50LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Whaaa!
0:13:52 > 0:13:53'Action!'
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I'm sorry, I didn't hear "action."
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- LAUGHTER - I put them in properly.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Hello, this is Dr Griffin from Holby "Ciffy".
0:14:08 > 0:14:10LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Can I go again? I forgot where I work.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Ahhh, dinner tonight at Padrino's?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Why, Mr Hume, you can't get enough of me, can you?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- Go on, then.- You're a wonderful woman. See you later.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Hi, have you seen my mum?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Um...I've forgotten my line.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Bum.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47- 'No, you can't say bum.' - I'm not allowed... Sorry.
0:14:49 > 0:14:55This is your local anaesthetic. Once it's done, we'll begin.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58So your dad drives lollies?
0:14:58 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:04And from Holby we jump in our 'lolly'
0:15:04 > 0:15:07and head off down the M4 to Albert Square,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09where things are going just as badly.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19CREAKING
0:15:19 > 0:15:21LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Your going to pay for this! - Fiver for the lot?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28See the state of these, they're ruined!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Don't worry, you can sell them as dusters.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Whoa!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Oi, what's going on?
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- I'm really sorry, I hit you! - That's cool, I like that.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39LAUGHTER
0:15:41 > 0:15:44CREAKING
0:15:44 > 0:15:46LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Hold up, look, how about this one?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53It's got its own garden with a built-in barbecue.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56What about this one, three bedrooms and two reception rooms.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58You know what that means, don't you?
0:15:58 > 0:15:59BOTH: Pool table.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01LAUGHTER
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Look, what he's thinking... - BOTH: Sandman.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Hiya, yeah, I can't really hear you.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Hang on... You don't mind, do you?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13No, we've both moved on, in't we?
0:16:13 > 0:16:18- Yeah... Yep. - BLEEP- the wrong poxy door.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22You're still the same poison you always were.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27You come near him again, I'll swing for ya.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30BANGING
0:16:30 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- 'Welcome to Vodafone...' - I'm so sorry. It suddenly...it...
0:16:47 > 0:16:48LAUGHTER
0:16:48 > 0:16:49It did this!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57INCORRECT DIAL TONE
0:16:57 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Ouch!
0:17:06 > 0:17:07CREAKING
0:17:07 > 0:17:08LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:12The bench there, with a bigger speaking part than Billy.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15But there's more to EastEnders than a squeaky seat.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19There's Martin and Sonia, the Burton and Taylor of Walford.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- Oh, come on. What's the harm?- No.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- One present! - No, it ain't Christmas.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- It will be in a couple of minutes. - It isn't Christmas until morning.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31What...eh. Sorry.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Did you get them?- Sorry, my fault.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It will be Christmas in a couple of minutes.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39It isn't Christmas until the morning.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Well, who says that then?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45It's a known fact. It's not Christmas till you've had a sleep.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47"Had a sleep"?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49You've had a sleep, little nap!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53That is a terrible line though, isn't it?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56No, it's not a terrible line.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58What are you talking about? You messed it up.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- COMEDY VOICE - Blame it on the line!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Come on, what's the harm?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07No, it's not Christmas yet.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- One present?- No.- It will be Christmas in a couple of minutes.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- No, it's not Christmas till the morning.- Who says that?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19It's not Christmas until you've had a sleep.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Right, ready?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31What take are we on?
0:18:33 > 0:18:34'And action.'
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- LAUGHTER - Oh, come on. What's the harm?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- No, it's not Christmas. - What, one present?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Come on. What's the harm?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- No, it's not Christmas yet. - One present?- No.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54It will be Christmas in a minute.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:07'Tis the season to be jolly.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Now, a first on Outtake TV from BBC3,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12the new comedy, Thieves Like Us.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13If you haven't caught it,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15each episode is called The 'Something' Job
0:19:15 > 0:19:18referring to the crime being committed.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21For example, this will be known as The First Take Job.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Not got the plates out yet? Come on, love, shake a leg.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33CLATTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:35LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Oo-o-o-o-o!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Well, how did the interview go? - Ah, nuts.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Yeah, you can say that again.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:55BELL RINGS
0:19:55 > 0:19:59'OK, that's three minutes. All change.'
0:20:05 > 0:20:06CLINKING Ooops!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- What d'you want?- To give up.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Tails it is.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:17 > 0:20:19So, for the last time, where is he?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21HER STOMACH RUMBLES
0:20:21 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:25That was my stomach!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Thieves Like Us suddenly going into slow motion.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Back to the real world and BBC News.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Quick look at the weather with Penny Tranter.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Oh, she was in a bit of a hurry. I said it was a quick look.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Roger Federer is through to the semi-finals
0:20:51 > 0:20:54after a tough win over James Blake.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56The number one took the first set.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59That's not Roger Federer, that was actually Tony Blair!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Coming up after 8.30 on Breakfast,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04well, BBC News 24, first of all,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06has the latest news from home and abroad.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Get that make-up on, Simon!
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Let's get reaction from Sir John Major who's in our Westminster studio.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Afternoon, thanks for joining us.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Seeing those pictures today, what did you think?
0:21:20 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Let's turn our attention to, uh...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26something a little different. Not just the camera angle.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31What's your reaction to what's happened? Thanks for joining us.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Good afternoon, we'll move on to the European football
0:21:37 > 0:21:39later in the bulletin.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41But some news which has broken this morning, first,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45and the Scottish premier league club Hibernian have confirmed
0:21:45 > 0:21:49that former Scotland midfielder John Collins is their new manager.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen may have been the reason why the BBC
0:21:55 > 0:21:58lost the, eh, rights to cover the...
0:21:58 > 0:22:02FA Cup because of critical comments about England's performance.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- Have we gone all green?- I'm not sure, is that just on our monitors?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09In our studio, we've gone green. Sorry if we've gone green at home.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15That's all the sport for now. Sorry about the dodgy camera work earlier.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Had a bit of a boozy lunch, that's all the problem it was.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20What's the problem? It's all the rage.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- LAUGHTER - See if the weather can do better.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Hello again. We've had some sunshine...
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Might stay rather gloomy along the east coast,
0:22:30 > 0:22:31but for most of us,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35some sunshine and when the sun's out, it'll be pretty warm.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37We'll leave you with a look at the weather prospects.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Here's Louise Lear.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41It's not Louise actually, she's having her lunch,
0:22:41 > 0:22:42but I'll do it instead.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44That's just fine.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Here are the areas, these showers being whooshed in by the wind.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51If you encounter the showers you'll get hail, thunder, but also
0:22:51 > 0:22:54some strong gusts of wind for the next 24 hours or so.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57That's not -99, I think that's a computer error.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04That cloud should start to thin and break
0:23:04 > 0:23:07and we'll see some brighter skies developing later on.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Sprinkly's licking my leg as we speak!
0:23:11 > 0:23:12I'll try to continue.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Neither I have. Where's it gone?
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Aw...it's down there. Thank you.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25SHE COUGHS
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Oh, dear.- Oh, poor Louise. That's not good, is it?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33It's not, and neither is this.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36It is one of the hardy perennials of the gardening world,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39and promises to showcase the very latest in garden design.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43The Chelsea Flower Show has allowed us a preview of this year's event,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46before the 150,000 expected visitors
0:23:46 > 0:23:49pour through the gates.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- I've read too much.- No, it's nice. I'm enjoying watching you.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I'll just carry on. Ian Palmer met some of this year's designers.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I wish I'd brought my knitting!
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Coming up after 8.30, BBC News 24
0:24:00 > 0:24:02has the latest news from home and abroad.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03When the presenters arrive!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- THEY LAUGH:- They're normally there at this time.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Have a look at this. This is the latest advertisement cricket-wise.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15It's Kevin Peterson in a television commercial...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Warts and all, quite literally there, with his tattoo,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21getting ready for the Ashes. He's a little like Terminator.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23And I can't tell you
0:24:23 > 0:24:25some of the comments that were made in the paper
0:24:25 > 0:24:27about googlies and things like that.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- May I have a "noser clook" - closer look!- You can't even say it!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- LAUGHTER - Oh, I say!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- I might listen to your Radio 2 show...- Please do.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Maybe catch your Channel 4 chat show.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Watch and listen to those things where appropriate.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Use the appropriate sense. If I released a range of lollipops,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I'd expect you to lick 'em, Gavin.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50AUDIENCE GASP I may watch the radio and listen to the TV in your honour.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Thank you. I'm glad to be present with a newscaster
0:24:53 > 0:24:54when you went like that.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- May I while I'm here? - It takes years of training.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58It's all over the place.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03- Let's get some sports news, Sonia McLoughlin's here again. - Selina Hinchcliffe.- Sorry.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Both blond hair, both quite tall.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Just after half past three, we should be answering your emails.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12They're coming in thick and fast as we speak.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Just give you a quick flavour.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Ben from Belfast wants to know, "Who's doing it
0:25:16 > 0:25:19"and what's the agenda?" We want to know how to stop it, don't we?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23To be honest, there's no point emailing because we've had so many,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26we've already selected the ones we're going to answer.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Yep, that ruined that, didn't it?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30That ruined that, completely ruined.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Yes, from a news point of view it's completely ruined.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37From an outtake point of view - perfect.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Like this from Darren Jordon, who sadly recently left the BBC
0:25:41 > 0:25:43to join the Arabic TV station Al Jazeera.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Mind you, if they'd seen him here
0:25:46 > 0:25:49MTV would have snapped him up immediately.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53# I see neon lights
0:25:53 > 0:25:57# Whenever you walk by
0:25:57 > 0:26:01# Don't get me wrong. #
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh, yes, multi-talented, our Darren.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Here he is on another night, waiting to read the news
0:26:07 > 0:26:11while enjoying the final of How To Solve A Problem Like Maria,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14which was reaching its climax in the next studio.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Why are they wearing aprons?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21'Helena and Connie,
0:26:21 > 0:26:27'you've both worked so hard to get to this point in the final.'
0:26:27 > 0:26:30DARREN GRUMBLES 'It's been an epic journey.'
0:26:30 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER 'The nation has now decided who will become Maria von Trapp.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41'For one of you, life is about to change forever.'
0:26:41 > 0:26:42I hate when they say that.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45How can they qualify that - "their life will change forever?"
0:26:45 > 0:26:48'The girl the public have cast
0:26:48 > 0:26:50'to be Maria von Trapp...'
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- (Connie.)- '..Is...
0:26:52 > 0:26:55'CONNIE!' SHE SCREAMS
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- DARREN CHUCKLES - Calm down, it's just a bloody show.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02CHEERING Congratulations, Connie!
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- You are Maria!- Ha-h! Smoke, flames, fire, dancing girls.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Well done!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Well done, darling.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Ah, she's not going to sing that ghastly song Goodnight, Farewell?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- STRANGLED VOICE: - # The hills are alive...#
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# The hills are alive...
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I can't take it. Auh!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:30 > 0:27:31# Music
0:27:31 > 0:27:35# With songs they have sung
0:27:35 > 0:27:40# For a thousand years
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- STRANGLED VOICE: - # The hills are alive
0:27:44 > 0:27:48# With the sound of music
0:27:48 > 0:27:52# My heart wants to sing every song
0:27:52 > 0:27:56# It hears. #
0:27:56 > 0:27:58There you go. I'm so happy for you.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Ladies and gentlemen, you solved the problem!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03THE GIRLS SCREAM
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- GIRL'S VOICE:- Oh, chaos.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Al Jazeera? They don't know the half of it.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Goodnight.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:18 > 0:28:20E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk