0:00:01 > 0:00:04We now go live to Councilman Bill Dexhart,
0:00:04 > 0:00:07who's giving a press conference about his sex scandal.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:11 > 0:00:15You are getting a rare glimpse at this exclusive, government-only event.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Each December, one department puts on a show
0:00:17 > 0:00:20that spoofs what happened in our town.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Prepare to laugh your Asnov!
0:00:23 > 0:00:28Sid Asnov is a former city councilman. Some of the jokes are sort of inside.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Councilman Dexhart, you're involved in yet another scandal?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35That's crazier than Mayor Gunderson's dog, Rufus.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Yes, there is a new one, and it's a doozie.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I don't want to go into the details, but let me just say
0:00:44 > 0:00:47that it involves multiple women, a love child,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51nurses, rabbis, priests...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Hey!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Well, I hope you can all join me at my fundraiser tonight.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01I am being supported, of course by the Glitter Factory and 1-800-Mattress.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Classic!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07# Pawnee is a city that ain't very pretty
0:01:07 > 0:01:09# And good government is our goal
0:01:09 > 0:01:11# We may not be big And our mayor wears a wig
0:01:11 > 0:01:14# But at least the raccoon infestation is under control
0:01:14 > 0:01:18ALL: # It's the most wonderful time
0:01:19 > 0:01:24# In Pawnee... #
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Lot 48 was once a horrible and disgusting pit,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52and now it's the site of Pawnee's Winter Wonderland.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55This could not be more perfect if I had planned it myself.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Which I did. And it's awesome.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58So, let's talk skedge, guys.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01The kids are gonna come at 9.00am on Saturday,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03and everyone's gonna do Santa for two hours,
0:02:03 > 0:02:05so I would just advise everyone,
0:02:05 > 0:02:06before you get in your costume,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08to go to the bathroom, so we can avoid what happened last year.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It was just farts.
0:02:10 > 0:02:126.00pm, carolling with the youth choir,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15and I am proud to announce, for the first time ever this year,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18our tree lighting ceremony will be simulcast on internet radio.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Thank you.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- That's a really big deal. - It is. Thank you.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Listening to that tree lighting is gonna be dope.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28OK. Any questions, direct them to me. Dismissed.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Hey, there was a message for you on the work voicemail.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Councilman Dexhart wants to meet with you
0:02:35 > 0:02:37at 9.00pm, the Boardwalk Lounge.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- Shut up.- No.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I'm not scared. I got nothing to apologise for.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I could've been a lot harder on him. He got off easy.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46And often.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Thank you, I'll be here all week!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You gotta tell me about him. I don't know anything about him.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56OK. He's 23, he's kind of my boyfriend, he's gay.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Last year we got drunk and he took me to the Ice Capades,
0:02:59 > 0:03:00and I didn't get him anything.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- And he's gay?- Yeah.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Brokeback Mountain DVD.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04- No.- Fellas love that.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- No.- Does he already have, like, chaps?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Like assless chaps? - You know what? Forget it.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10OK. Why are you asking me?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Because... I don't know. There's no one else to ask.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15At least you're kind of young.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18All right, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna think about it.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Through the course of all day, I'm gonna mull it over.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21It's all I'm gonna think about, but you're in good hands.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22I'm gonna come up with something really, really good.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Really? All right.- Yeah.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- You got that? - Yeah.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Councilman Dexhart? I'm Leslie Knope.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Thank you for meeting me.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It's my pleasure.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I am assuming this is about my performance
0:03:35 > 0:03:37in the Government Follies last night.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I'd just like to say that I have nothing to apologise for,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42except for perhaps being too incisive.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I don't want you to apologise.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I want to know who told you.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48- Who told me? - Mmm-hmm.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Nobody. Nobody told me nothing!
0:03:52 > 0:03:53What are we talking about?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Based on that skit,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I know you heard about the new scandal that's about to break.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Who told you? Was it the babysitter?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Was it the nurse who delivered our love child?
0:04:02 > 0:04:03- What? - All right, stop playing dumb.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You know damn well what happened.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I got the babysitter pregnant,
0:04:07 > 0:04:11then when she was in the delivery room, I had sex with not one,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13but four nurses in a supply closet,
0:04:13 > 0:04:17as well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant. Mmm.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22Now, which one of them told you? Was it the liver lady?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Well, I... No-one... I haven't... I haven't heard any of this,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28ever, in my whole life.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Oh!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Believe me, I would have remembered this.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34OK. Well, in that case,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36everything I just told you was just a funny prank.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38HE CHUCKLES
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Oh! Hi! How was your meeting?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48It was fine. Pretty straightforward.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Short meeting. He's a busy guy.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Yes, very busy. Look at this article.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54No!
0:04:56 > 0:04:57What the...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02'The story of this story is that it won't stop developing.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05'The mystery woman who met with Councilman Dexhart last night
0:05:05 > 0:05:08'appears to be a government employee named Leslie Knope.'
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Oh, my God! Oh, God!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12'According to unconfirmed reports in the Pawnee Sun,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15'the two bent an elbow at this local watering hole,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17'and although they left separately,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20'no-one knows where they woke up together.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22'Perd Hapley, Channel Four News.'
0:05:23 > 0:05:26All I did was write and perform in one amazing skit.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Leslie, it's the Pawnee Sun. It's a tabloid.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Nobody else has written about it.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Yeah, no one believes that garbage. Nobody even reads that thing.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Leslie! What? Nice work, girl.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Oh, God! How do I fight back? Give me some options.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44How would that help?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I don't know. I just want to see if I can do it.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49April, I appreciate that, but I don't think it's something
0:05:49 > 0:05:51worth losing your virginity over.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Leslie, I don't know if this is important or not,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56but I have heard a lot of very, very interesting chatter
0:05:56 > 0:05:57around the shoeshine stand today.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Oh, my God! Really? What have you heard?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02A lot of things. Like, "Can you believe it?"
0:06:02 > 0:06:04and, "The Parks lady boned Dexhart,"
0:06:04 > 0:06:07and, "Of course she did, she's totally good to go."
0:06:07 > 0:06:09And one guy was like, "I wouldn't hit that."
0:06:09 > 0:06:11And the other guy was like, "Me neither."
0:06:11 > 0:06:13And then this third guy was like, "I would."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15So I don't know if that's helpful at all.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Well, keep your ear to the ground.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20OK. I'll just...
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I'm not gonna let these people intimidate me. I'm gonna do my job.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I would be lying if I said that I never thought
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I would be involved in an incident like this.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Except I always assumed that I would be the politician
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and the man would be accused of sleeping with me.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38And that man would be the Vice President, and I would be the President.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40OK, all right. Well, you look good.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42You need to put some tights on, though,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45and I want you to make sure you keep your neckline nice and high.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Leslie Knope? Alexa Softcastle, Pawnee Sun.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Can I ask you a few questions?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Don't say anything.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I'm not afraid to say anything. OK? I have nothing to hide.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I'd never even met Councilman Dexhart before yesterday,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57and that's all I'm gonna say about the matter.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Some people are saying this isn't the first time
0:06:58 > 0:07:01that you've had sex with a married councilman.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Who's saying that? - Some people.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05OK. This interview is over.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Go home, lay low. - The truth will come out.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I can't! I have too much work to do.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14This department is not gonna deputy-direct itself.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I think we can manage.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Just give me your schedule and we'll cover for you.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23OK. I've made copies of Leslie's daily work schedule,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26so we'll just split into teams, and each team will take...
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Damn, 10 items, and we'll knock this out.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I swear to you, I never even met the guy before last night.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38It's OK. I believe you.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- You do?- Of course. I think I know you pretty well,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43and that doesn't sound like you.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Thank you.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47If I ever see that guy, I'm gonna punch him right in the face.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Yeah, that's sweet. Use your nightstick.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Which meeting is this?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Reorganisation of Local Auditing Systems.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Kill me.- Right. First order of business.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Leslie? Where's Leslie?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Oh, um, I gave her the day off, Paul. Thought that was best.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Oh, yeah. That's good.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11So you'll be making the presentation, then, Ron?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Yep. Yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Hey, so, that kind of brings us to what I wanted to talk to you about.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22I... You know my Army reserve unit?
0:08:23 > 0:08:28We got called up to active duty. I ship out in four days.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Oh, my God!
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Where you going?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32San Diego.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Oh, my God!
0:08:33 > 0:08:34It's not dangerous.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38It's mostly maintenance. But I'm going for, like, a year.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Maybe 18 months. And I was kind of hoping
0:08:42 > 0:08:45that maybe you'd want to come with me.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Like, on a permanent type basis.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Well, I don't know, it's kind of a weird question.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I mean, I joined to put myself through college...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00..and it's... I'm just a desk jockey,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02but it's still... It's rewarding.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06So, yeah, I guess I'm in love with the Army.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Oh, Leslie? Well, yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Yeah, I'm definitely in love with Leslie. That's affirmative.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21I know this seems kind of fast, but I feel like we got something here.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- I do, too. - Yeah?- Yeah.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27You don't have to answer right away.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Well, you kind of do. I mean, I need to know soon.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Wow! - Yeah.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Are you gonna go?
0:09:36 > 0:09:41This whole Dexhart thing is not making me feel very attached to Pawnee right now.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- San Diego. Jeez. - Yeah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44You could learn how to surf.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45I know how to surf.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I took lessons when I was a kid. I'm actually pretty good.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I bet you are.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I would miss Leslie like crazy.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Aw!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59All right, sorted out that payroll issue, this is done.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01"Bring a case of beer to Sanitation." Why?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Let's skip that one. They can buy their own beer.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I'm getting hungry. Let's get something to eat.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Hey, have you figured out what you're getting Ann for Christmas?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Oh, I got her a pretty great computer bag.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Yeah? That's a terrible gift.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13No, no, Tom, she needs one.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16She mentioned it to me two months ago, and I wrote it down.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19That's what's called being an amazing boyfriend.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Have you seen Ann? You know how hot she is?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Men give women of that calibre speedboats, private jets,
0:10:26 > 0:10:27not computer bags.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29OK. What do you think I should get her?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Diamonds. Can't go wrong with diamonds.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32- Diamonds? - There isn't a woman alive
0:10:32 > 0:10:33who doesn't love diamonds.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Even the super left-wing chicks that saw Blood Diamond and cried,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38when they get a diamond, they're like,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40"Yeah, bitch, give me more of them blood diamonds!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"Make them extra bloody." Trust me.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49'We are here looking at a videotape. This is back in April 2005.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- 'We're looking at Councilman Dexhart...' - Leslie, you should see this.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55'And he's now about to shake hands with Leslie Knope,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57'the alleged sex toy.'
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Oh, for cripes' sake!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- 'Look at the way she's smiling at him.- Mm-hm.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05'And then almost unconsciously touching her hands to her hips.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06'See that? Right there.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- 'It's like she's sending him a message that she's ready for childbearing.- Wow.'
0:11:10 > 0:11:12In a 24-hour news cycle,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15the tiniest story gets dissected over and over again.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19In 2004, a kid from Pawnee went to the Olympics,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21and it was reported on for over a year.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24He wasn't even competing or anything,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27he just was going, literally, to watch the Olympics.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36It was way too easy to get this guy here.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Councilman Dexhart, this has gone far enough.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I want you to hold a press conference and clear my name.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Mmm... No, thanks.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Why not? What's in it for you?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46To be honest, being linked to Leslie
0:11:46 > 0:11:48is a lot less damning than the real story.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51You're like a glass of whole milk.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53What are you, Lutheran? I love Lutherans.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Councilman, with all due respect, get a grip.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57If you don't hold a press conference,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I'm gonna come forward and tell the whole story.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00It won't do you any good.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Take it from me, denying only makes things worse.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Listen, I gotta go.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I'm expected at two different maternity wards.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10But before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Should we?
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Oh, my God!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15People already think we did it.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16You've got nothing to lose. I'm very good.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Get out of here! - All right, fine.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- Shoeshine. Shoeshine. Oh! Hey!- Hey.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I've been thinking about your gay boyfriend all day.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- I have got some awesome ideas.- OK.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31First idea, spray-tan gift certificates.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Ugh. No.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Trip to Germany? Germany is awesome.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38And expensive.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Good call. I didn't think of that.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43OK, you know how people say that you should give gifts
0:12:43 > 0:12:46that you would want to get yourself? What would you want?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Easy. Indianapolis Colts' Reggie Wayne jersey,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50number 87, double XL, home blue,
0:12:50 > 0:12:54signed by Reggie Wayne right after he catches a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- OK. Never mind. - No?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Hip-Hop Abs Dance Fitness DVD?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02'We just received these exclusive photos.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05'We have pictures of City Councilman Dexhart...'
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- My God!- '..with Leslie Knope...' - I cannot believe it!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11'The big issue now is, who is this mystery woman?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15'She and Knope are standing very close to each other,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17'and any time you see two women standing very close to each other...'
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Oh, no. No, don't say it. - '..you immediately assume...'
0:13:19 > 0:13:20- Please don't say it. - '..lesbian.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- 'Oh, of course.' - What?
0:13:22 > 0:13:27'It is a veritable storm of information coming into the studios here today.'
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Hi, this is Leslie Knope, and I would like Joan
0:13:29 > 0:13:31to clear all of her guests tomorrow,
0:13:31 > 0:13:32because I'm coming on the show.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35If you think that you can drag me and my friend through the mud,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37then you've got... Yes, I'll hold.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Unbelievable. - Hey.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40- What happened? - Got a call
0:13:40 > 0:13:43from some panicky morning joggers.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Apparently, Sanitation didn't empty this dumpster.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47To the raccoons' delight.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58They'll hunt the kids for sport.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00'Fess up, guys. Who dropped the ball?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"Bring a case of beer to Sanitation."
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"Bring a case of..."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Yeah, this one's our fault, Ron, and we will take care of this for you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10OK, good, because I have to run a public forum,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14supervise the maintenance crews, and teach crafts at the senior centre.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Simultaneously.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Joan, I just wanted to say thank you for letting me be on your show.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I'm really happy that I have the chance to clear my name.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Well, sure. I see you brought your girlfriend for support. That's nice.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27What? Oh, no. She's not my...
0:14:27 > 0:14:28And in five, Joan.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- She's a...- We're... Four. Three.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32You've got it wrong.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Sex. Drugs, possibly. Rock 'n' roll?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39We'll find out, on Pawnee Today's exclusive interview
0:14:39 > 0:14:42with the woman at the centre of the Dexhart sex scandal,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Leslie Knope.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Leslie, my first question has to be, when did the affair start?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Joan, I spoke with Councilman Dexhart
0:14:51 > 0:14:53for the first time that night.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56We met for about 15 minutes, and then I went home, alone,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58and that's the whole story.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Well, Leslie, we all saw the tape from four years ago,
0:15:01 > 0:15:05and you were flashing some serious "do me" eyes. That's just my opinion.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I don't understand why I'm on trial here.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11You should be grilling Councilman Dexhart.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14You know what? That's a really good idea. Let's bring him out!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Councilman, come on out!
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Hi, sweetie.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Why didn't you tell me he was gonna be here?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I thought it'd be more exciting!
0:15:22 > 0:15:23You look great.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28It's like I'm invisible.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32OK, my name is Ron. You don't need to know my last name.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Whoever wants to talk, go ahead, and we'll be out of here in a tight 15.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I found a sandwich in one of your parks,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41and I want to know why it didn't have mayonnaise.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- What's so funny? - Oh.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I don't think kids should be allowed on the playground equipment.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49OK. We've been over this. If you're worried about swine flu,
0:15:49 > 0:15:51use hand sanitiser...
0:15:51 > 0:15:52I'm not worried about swine flu.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I already had the swine flu. I'm worried about the turtle flu.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- The turtle flu? - Turtle flu.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Turtle flu.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04Joan, this whole Pawnee Sun story is "gotcha journalism" at its worst.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Honey, let's just keep our private life in the bedroom, where it belongs.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09We do not have a private life!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Stop saying that we have a private life!
0:16:11 > 0:16:12The fact is, we never slept together,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15and if we did, you would have proof,
0:16:15 > 0:16:16and we would have seen it by now.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Councilman?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I can prove it.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23She has a mole on her right buttock.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26What? That is a total lie.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28You've never seen my butt. What are you talking about?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30He has never seen my butt.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Well, I guess it's your word against his.- That's right.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Fine.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Here, Joan. Why don't you look for yourself?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Is this happening?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Wait.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48There's no mole. There is no mole.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52This exclusive story, there is no mole on Miss Knope!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I can't believe it's come to this. This is utterly humiliating.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Well, Councilman? Care to make a comment about No-Mole-Gate?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Yes.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04I really didn't think that Miss Knope would pull down her pants on TV,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06but since she did,
0:17:06 > 0:17:11I will admit that the rumours of our affair are indeed false.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- Thank you. - However, I have no plans to resign.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Oh, great. OK, Councilman. You know what? You're a class act.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Thank you.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I thought you did great.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23When you get all feisty like that, it gets my heart racing.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Like I'm on a Stairmaster,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29except more, like, in a sexual...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32..context.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I can't go to San Diego with you.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42My life is here. My friends, my career.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46I guess I just thought with everything that happened, you'd want a fresh start.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50I know. I really care about you, Dave. I just...
0:17:51 > 0:17:52I love this town.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55I'm sorry.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58You want your ticket back?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01No. You know what? Keep it.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04You may want to come visit me, right?
0:18:04 > 0:18:09There's a 75 change fee, but I could pay you that, or I could reimburse you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11There's a lot of ways we could handle that.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Oh! Oh!- That's...
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Hey. Sorry I'm late.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Hey!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Honey. Honey, I'm so proud of you. Leslie Knope!
0:18:29 > 0:18:33That took guts, mooning Joan Callamezzo!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Aw! Honey! - Thanks, Mom.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Oh, God! Is something wrong with the tree?
0:18:38 > 0:18:39No. Nothing wrong.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41But it's almost 9.00. It should've been lighted up an hour ago.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43We waited for you.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51OK, everybody. Count down.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53ALL: Five! Four!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Three! Two!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57One! Yeah!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12It's gotten a lot harder to work in government.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15You think Winston Churchill ever had to pull his pants down and show his butt?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18No. But would he have? Yes.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Now, could he have? Well, maybe not towards the end of his life,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24but he would have.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Because he loved his job.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Ohh! Reggie Wayne!
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Dude! You remembered me complaining about my computer bag!
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Do you like it?
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Yeah, it's perfect.
0:19:47 > 0:19:52It's way better than the gift that I got you. It's Pacers tickets.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- Oh!- They're not even good seats! Ugh.- This is awesome!
0:19:55 > 0:19:56It's not awesome.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I actually got you a second gift.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You don't have to come to this game with me.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06You don't have to.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07- That's the nicest gift anybody's ever...- Is that good?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- Gotten me in my life! Yes! - Is that good? Come here.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Oh, thank God!
0:20:12 > 0:20:16There's a bunch of messages waiting for you about a bunch of things I don't understand.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Hi, this is Leslie Knope in the Parks Department.