0:00:02 > 0:00:04Hi, I'm Tom Haverford. I work at the Parks Department.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- It's a little douchey. - Good call, J.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09I'm getting divorced, so I'm trying to up my game.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Who am I supposed to ask for fashion advice? Jerry?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13He wears the same soup-stained khakis every day.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Justin's my saviour. He's like an issue of GQ that's come to life.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Tommy Timberlake.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21You look like Encyclopaedia Brown.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Sequins!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Try it without the gloves.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Sequins, minus the gloves.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Hey, what's up? I'm Tom. Is my shirt lighting up?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Cos I didn't even notice.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35All right, guys. Let's talk accessories.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Be honest. Which cane do you like better? Dragon? Serpent?
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Dragon? Serpent?
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Belt buckle, says, "What's cracking?" I can have it say whatever I want.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44It can say, "What's cracking? I'm Tom.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47"What's cracking, girl?" "What's cracking, boo?"
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Eagle medallion!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Well, as far as white, leather suits go...
0:00:50 > 0:00:52It's horrible.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I like it.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20Sweetums has been Pawnee's leading sweet-treat manufacturer
0:01:20 > 0:01:21for over 80 years.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25And we are so excited about our new partnership
0:01:25 > 0:01:27with the Parks Department.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Starting next month,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Sweetums is going to take over the concession stands in our parks.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36I mean, I don't love the idea of corporate sponsorship,
0:01:36 > 0:01:37but Sweetums is an institution.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40When you think of Pawnee, you think of Sweetums.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Although candy is our bread and butter,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45we also care about the health of our customers.
0:01:45 > 0:01:52And that's why we'll be debuting our new healthy energy bar, NutriYums.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Take a look.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Hi, I'm Nick Newport, Jr, CEO of Sweetums.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02And I'd like to introduce to you our new line of energy bars, NutriYums.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04We start with 100% all-natural corn,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07then we add just a little bit of Sweetums corn syrup,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09a little drop of sunshine, and some other stuff.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And since they're from Sweetums, your kids will love them.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Wow, that family looks so healthy. Look at them. They're all wearing vests!
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Dakota? Denver?
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Sorry, Shoelace. We don't make NutriYums for dogs. Yet.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Shoelace.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25NutriYums. Where nutritious meets tasty. By Sweetums.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28If you can't beat 'em...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30ALL: Sweetums!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32'I could not be happier about this.'
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I think the entire government should be privatised.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37'Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41'Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token,'
0:02:41 > 0:02:42go on the swing set.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Drop in another token, take a walk.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Drop in a token, look at a duck.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Brendanawicz! Quick question, do you personally know Xzibit?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Because I was checking out that pickup truck of yours,
0:02:55 > 0:02:56and that ride is pimped!
0:02:56 > 0:03:01It's really nice of you to compliment my pickup truck with no ulterior motives.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Yeah, so, listen, I need to move some stuff this weekend
0:03:03 > 0:03:07into my new bachelor pad, since my divorce is finally going down. Just some odds and ends.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09You can bring up the Mark-mobile, help me move, right?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I'm totally blanking on a valid excuse right now,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- so, yes. I'll help you. - My boy!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- I- BLEEP- hate having a pickup truck.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Can I help you move? I'm really good at it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Afterwards, I'll take the cardboard from the boxes and use it for break dancing.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- I'll go, too.- Really? Cos an hour ago you told me
0:03:33 > 0:03:35you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. Do you want help or not?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41All right. See you guys later.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46I think that that's really, really sweet, that your grandparents still make love.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Ready to go? - Yes.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Your keys, please.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58You got to be kidding me. I'm fine.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Well, we'll let the chart be the judge of that.
0:04:01 > 0:04:06What are you, 5'11"? 210 pounds, three whiskies?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Looks like you are just over the line into impaired.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11You carry that with you all the time?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12It comes in handy.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance for alcohol.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20My old man used to put Wild Turkey on his Corn Flakes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I'm not going to argue with you, Ron. We're going to sit and wait
0:04:23 > 0:04:27until, you know, you're safe to drive, which would be in about...
0:04:27 > 0:04:28one hour.
0:04:29 > 0:04:35Insurance is a side bet when you wager half of your original bet
0:04:35 > 0:04:39because you believe the dealer has a 10 in the hole.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41HORN BEEPS
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Get off my car, woman!
0:04:43 > 0:04:4520 minutes.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48The dealer really has an advantage. That's what I get the most from this.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Hey, Ron.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Morning, Leslie. Did you have a good night?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I did. I watched a really good... What is that?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03This is what I did last night.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whisky
0:05:06 > 0:05:08and then I finished crafting this small harp,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12using a band saw, a spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Beautiful. - But wait, there's more.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Here are some photographs of me drinking the whisky.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24so you can tell that I'm not lying.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I feel like I'm in a spa.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31So, I got my truck all cleaned out and ready to go for tomorrow.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Do you have, like, furniture pads and dollies? That sort of thing?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Ooh, I thought the mover supplied those.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I'm not a mover! I'm a sap who owns a truck.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Don't talk about yourself like that. And bring some coffee.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Hey, are you moving out? Have you told Wendy how you feel yet?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Waiting for the right time.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49It's right now. The time is now.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Just don't worry about it. I'm fine.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Hmm.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53What's that over there?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Mmm!- Holy cow.- Wow.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- That is good stuff. - Great, right?
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Oh, my God. They're amazing.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01They're more than amazing. They are terrific.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Terrific's not more than amazing, Jerry.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05No? Well, it's not less.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Everything Sweetums makes is off the charts.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I like their candy fingernails.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I can't believe these things are healthy.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14It's not that crazy. Krackel bars, also healthy and delicious.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15No, they're not.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Yeah. They actually have rice in them. So...
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Andy, you're fine, but you're simple.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Who just put 100 of these in their body?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Ann!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Oh! Look at you! You're looking pretty unhealthy today.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36You might need one of these, NutriYum, by Sweetums.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37# If you can't beat them, Sweetums! #
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- I love that song.- Ow!
0:06:39 > 0:06:40I need to go check my e-mail.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- We're going to sell these in the park now.- They're healthy!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Holy God. No, they're not, they're terrible for you.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49No, they're not. There's a picture of Lance Armstrong on there.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Yeah, but look at the ingredients. "High-fructose corn syrup, corn syrup."
0:06:52 > 0:06:55There's only eight grams of fat. Yeah. Per serving.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- A bar is four servings. - Well, people seem to enjoy them. Look how happy everybody is.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Yeah, that's a sugar rush.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Yeah.- Yeah. - That makes sense.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09They're going to crash soon, and it's not going to be pretty.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I'm going to crash soon, too. cos I've eaten, like, 40 of these.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Oh, God!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19The kids here are beefy.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26I call them like I see them.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32- Leslie?- Yeah?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Let's get some almonds in you, OK?- OK.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Get in. - I can't open them.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Back to work.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I hate it here. This place is evil.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I think these are the only two films that say "Sweetums" on the label.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Well, let's take them both. We might find something interesting.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Here, just let me stick them under my shirt. Just walk out. - They have sensors!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Just check them out. It's free.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Hey, Marci. - Leslie.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Are they finally teaching you Parks people how to read?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Oh, I guess not. It's a movie.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05You're pretty cocky for someone whose job is obsolete because of the internet.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Let's see.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Hmm. You seem to have a 40 late fee
0:08:11 > 0:08:14on a book called Mysteries of the Female Orgasm.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Ann, grab the movie! Go, go, go, go!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Punk-ass book jockeys!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26ALARM BEEPS
0:08:28 > 0:08:32So, you guys all good with the Sweetums concession-stand deal?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I can go ahead and sign off on it?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35- You betcha.- Actually, no.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37No. We are worried that the energy bars
0:08:37 > 0:08:39that they're going to sell are grossly unhealthy
0:08:39 > 0:08:42and they're misleading people about what's actually in them.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45No, we're not worried about that. We're fine and we sign off.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Paul, can I have a sidebar with Ron?
0:08:47 > 0:08:48I guess.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Sidebar, Ron. I did some research, and NutriYums are terrible for you.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53I don't care. We're doing it.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55That's a... We're in a sidebar.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Do you not care about your city's health?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I care about the people's right to consume whatever they want.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- Paul, can you and I have a sidebar? - No.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05OK. I think maybe we should hold a public forum.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08That way we won't be liable.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10There's no point. It's a home run for the city.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13No, I think she's right. It's a good cover-our-ass move.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Let's do it. - Paul!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Leslie, why must you stick your nose into everyone else's business?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Sidebar, Paul. Ron's upset because I didn't let him drive last night.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Stop sidebarring.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Somebody's grouchy.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29You said it was just odds and ends.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32It is, yeah. And some furniture. And the plasma TV.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33You haven't even folded up the boxes yet.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Dude, Deep Blue Sea.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Greatest movie ever made.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40That's the Canadian version, 22 extra minutes,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43and there's a bonus audio track where LL Cool J raps all his dialogue.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45What? We're watching this right now.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- Pop it in!- No, no, no!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50We should really pack this room up and get moving.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54So, this is a really big room I need packed up, guys.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56This is your bedroom?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58No, it's a spare room I converted
0:09:58 > 0:10:01into a walk-in closet/ home fitness centre.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03What is that?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Oh! I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor cleaning robots.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I call him DJ Roomba. Little guy cruises around and plays music.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11What's hot, DJ Roomba?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13MUSIC: "Gangsta Luv" by Snoop Dogg
0:10:13 > 0:10:15DJ Roomba, tearing it up!
0:10:17 > 0:10:19He likes me.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Let's dance for a little while, Mark. What...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26NutriYums energy bars are just absolutely loaded
0:10:26 > 0:10:29with high-fructose corn syrup and fatty oils.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30And any way you slice it,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33they're just extremely unhealthy for you.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34'Leslie needs to butt out.'
0:10:34 > 0:10:36The whole point of this country is,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38if you want to eat garbage,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Any questions?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51If sugar is so bad, how come Jesus made it taste so good?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Yes?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagne and muffins
0:10:57 > 0:10:59every day of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Right.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02What's so bad about corn syrup?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04It's natural. Corn's a fruit.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Syrup comes from a bush.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Oh, boy.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09How do we know you're really a nurse?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I am, I promise. I work at Saint Joe's.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Well, the point is, my friend thinks you're cute.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Give me your number so he can have it.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Yeah, that's not going to happen.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Can I have your e-mail address? - Oh, my God.- I just got on AOL.- No!
0:11:21 > 0:11:22I think we should throw those bars out
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- and eat ham-and-mayonnaise sandwiches.- That's not a good idea.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Ham and mayonnaise! - It's not...- Ham and mayonnaise!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29No, no, no, no.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31ALL: Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Oh, God. I can't believe you do this every week.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I'm actually encouraged. The questions were more relevant than usual.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Yeah. I need to order the brown Timberlands in a size eight, narrow.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43How much is the next-day shipping?
0:11:43 > 0:11:44And, what's two-day shipping?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Yeah, I'd like to place an order for one pad thai, chicken,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50and no scallions on it, please.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Just for one person, yeah. Just one.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Yeah, I saw Mark carrying, like, three boxes. That dude is strong.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- Whatever. I'll carry five boxes! - Go get 'em, champ!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04OK, Donna. Where do you want this?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Uh-uh. That's it.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07My baby has a delicate suspension.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Are you kidding me? - No, I'm not. Move.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Put it in your truck, Brendanawicz. There's plenty of room.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Hey!
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Ah! My pocket squares!
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Sorry, Shoelace. We don't make NutriYums for dogs. Yet.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26NutriYums. Where nutritious meets tasty. By Sweetums.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I guess that about says it all.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30You know, it doesn't, actually.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I think we should watch another video right now,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35one that your company made 30 years ago.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I'm Nick Newport, president of Sweetums,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43giving you a look inside our corn syrup factory.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46This is all-new, high-fructose corn syrup,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50a miracle product that's sweeter than sugar, but cheaper to produce!
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Cheap, delicious, sugary corn is currently being used by farms
0:12:54 > 0:12:57to fatten up their cows and pigs.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Look how fat those cows are!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Fat, happy and docile, the way we like them.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08So, you still want to claim that corn syrup is healthy?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Corn syrup is natural, and it's fine in moderation.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12But don't take my word for it.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Nick Newport, Jr!
0:13:16 > 0:13:17All right!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22How you doing? Yeah! Yeah!
0:13:22 > 0:13:26My kids, Denver and Dakota!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Come on down, guys!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I just want to get... That's good hose water.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Don't get my shoes.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Hey, what's up, guys? You come to help Tom move, too?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Too late! We already almost got all of it.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45No, we just thought it'd be funny
0:13:45 > 0:13:47to see April doing physical labour.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It's been an awesome moving day.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I got the little robot to play Dave Matthews.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54# Little baby! #
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- What's he talking about? - DJ Roomba.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58What?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00All right. Back to the grindstone.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Awesome seeing you, dudes.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04See you. Later, bro.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Hi.- Hi.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13God, this is so weird. It's, like, end of an era, huh?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15It's kind of sad.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- Yeah, we'll still be friends. - Yeah.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Well, hey, you guys must be starving. Want me to order you pizza or something?
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Oh, that'd be great, yeah. OK.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Why don't you get some Canadian bacon on it, since you're from Canada.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27And sausage, cos I am brown and spicy.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34OK, all right. Well, I will see you around, I guess.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35- Yeah.- Right?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I'm around.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38I'll see you around.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Bye.- Bye.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Wow. Mr Newport, Jr. Thank you so much for coming.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50But don't you think that every person has a right to know
0:14:50 > 0:14:52what they're putting in their bodies? Right, everybody?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Is Shoelace here? Where's Shoelace?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Shoelace couldn't make it. But I do agree with this nice lady.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01That's why I say we should let the people be the judge.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Denver?
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Everybody! Check under your seats!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Look, look! I got chocolate!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Denver, you little son of a bitch.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24There's no pizza left?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Sorry, Jer. Too slow.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Do you want my crusts? Here, take this.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Nobody even told me the pizza was here.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Jerry! You stepped on DJ Roomba!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- That was an accident. - You killed him!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I built him myself. He was like a son to me.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42OK. Time to vote.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44All those who would like
0:15:44 > 0:15:46the bloated corpse of the government
0:15:46 > 0:15:47to keep running the snack bars
0:15:47 > 0:15:50at taxpayer expense, raise your hands.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53That seems like an unfair phrasing.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57And all those in favour of letting this heartless corporation, Sweetums,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59stuff your children with sugary crap, raise your hand.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Thank you, everybody!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I can't believe this.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07You know what? We did our job.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10We informed the public. That's all we can do.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- 'I'm sorry, man. There's nothing we can do.'- Are you serious?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17'Look, we'll get it fixed and I'll see you Monday.'
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I just got off the phone with my new landlord.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Apparently, there's been some sort of gas leak
0:16:21 > 0:16:24and I can't move into my place until Monday now.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Are you telling us we have to unload this
0:16:27 > 0:16:28and move it back in the house?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31No, I can't put it there. I promised Wendy I'd be out of here tonight.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I got it.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Everybody go home, pack away my stuff in your own houses.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Then on Monday, pack it back up,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43meet me at my new place, unload it there.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Come on, guys.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- See you, Tom. - Bye.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Hey, bro, want to go get our grub on?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Totes, bro. Wings and brews!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Why are you guys talking like that?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Just chillaxin' like your new bro, Andy.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Yeah. Want to play some Hacky Sack later,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06maybe listen to Blues Traveler?
0:17:06 > 0:17:07OK. I'm leaving.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09We're just kidding. Let's go to dinner.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I'm not hungry. And you guys aren't being funny.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Why are you being weird?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15We make fun of people like that. That's what we do.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18You know, for a gay couple,
0:17:18 > 0:17:19you guys are being really gay.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I said, "Of course I remember you. You're Chastity, right?"
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Leslie!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Even though I didn't invite you, you came here anyway.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I respect that, because you made a choice as a free American.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35What are you eating?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I call this "turf and turf."
0:17:37 > 0:17:41It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Also, whisky and a cigar.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I'm going to consume all of this at the same time
0:17:46 > 0:17:48because I am a free American.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50No cigars inside, sir.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Fine. I will smoke the entire thing outside.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Even though it is bad for me, I am going to do it.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Why is he being such an ass?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's a long story.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05It's freezing outside, so I will not be smoking this cigar.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08But rest assured, I could if I wanted to, because this...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10This is America, right? Is it?
0:18:10 > 0:18:11May I speak with you, please?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Look, I don't know if you're being a jerk on purpose
0:18:15 > 0:18:17just to prove you have the right to be a jerk,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19but either way, you're being a jerk.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20So, here. Take the booze chart.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Are you kidding me?- No.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25If you're going to drink, you should use it, OK? I'm going to head out.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27By the way, maybe it's none of my business,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30but if you eat three pounds of steak every day,
0:18:30 > 0:18:31you're going to die,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34and although I've already written your eulogy,
0:18:34 > 0:18:35and it's incredibly touching,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I would prefer not to give it for a while.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41The first line, by the way?
0:18:41 > 0:18:46"O Captain! My Captain! Ron Swanson, a swan song."
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Yeah, and it gets better from there.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55April! April!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59You want to watch me rollerblade in the parking lot after work?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I'm pretty awesome.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I used to be really good. That was, like, 70 pounds ago.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I can't. I'm kind of busy.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- Oh, that's lame. - Tomorrow?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Maybe. I don't know.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15OK. Bye.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Just kidding! I don't fall!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I...
0:19:28 > 0:19:30What are you eating?
0:19:30 > 0:19:31I didn't have time to have breakfast.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I'm going to toss these in the dumpster outside.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37And I don't want to see you digging around in there later.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I am sorry.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I have been a horse's ass.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50And that is the end of what I have to say.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Apology accepted.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Put a coat on. It's freezing outside.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Jerry! Jerry!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11This is the ghost of DJ Roomba.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Why did you kill me?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I'm going to haunt you, Jerry.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I'm going to follow you
0:20:20 > 0:20:22and play the Black Eyed Peas on a non-stop loop!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25MUSIC: "I Gotta Feeling" by The Black Eyed Peas