0:00:02 > 0:00:06And to my wife, I apologise. All I can say is I wasn't just having sex,
0:00:06 > 0:00:10I was making love to a beautiful woman
0:00:10 > 0:00:11and her boyfriend,
0:00:11 > 0:00:14and a third person, whose name I never learned.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I was building houses for the underprivileged,
0:00:19 > 0:00:24when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I bet cave sex is insane.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- Why?- Because of the echoes and the humidity.- Mm-hm.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33In my defence, it was my birthday
0:00:33 > 0:00:35and I really wanted to do it.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37'I think it's a real shame'
0:00:37 > 0:00:40when people focus on the tawdry details of a scandal.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Personally, all I care about is Councilman Dexhart's policies.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Not whether he was high on nitrous and cocaine during the cave sex.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Which, by the way, I heard he was.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52'One more shocking revelation'
0:00:52 > 0:00:54in a story that just won't stop unfolding.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56It turns out Councilman Dexhart
0:00:56 > 0:00:59may have also had sex with a prostitute
0:00:59 > 0:01:03in the limousine on the way to and from the press conference
0:01:03 > 0:01:05where he apologised for having an affair.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07'Perd Hapley...'
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Why does anybody wanna run for public office?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11You're just asking to have your entire life exposed.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Well, if you're squeaky clean, like I am, there's no problem.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Tom, you're married, and you hit on women constantly.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal. Just window-shopping.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25You can fly to Brazil, just don't enter the cave. Am I right? Up top!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I'm sure that you think that you're clean,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51but I bet that we could find something on you.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I changed my name, which is legal,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55and once in high school, a girl beat me in a wrestling match.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59That's it. I bet anything I could find worse stuff on all you guys.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Are you suggesting a game?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- I'm in.- I'm in.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- I'm out. - Not an option, Jerry.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- You're going down.- No, seriously, I really don't wanna play.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11No, no. Seriously, you are playing. We're gonna nail you.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12I will play, too,
0:02:12 > 0:02:17if only to prove that I can find more dirt on you than you can on me.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18APRIL: That's why we're all playing.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Your desk is over there.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I love games that turn people against each other.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27You guys will never believe what I just found on Jerry's Facebook.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29A friend. Burn!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32OK, again, I'd really rather not play.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Hey, guys. What are you guys doing?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Trying to see who has the least amount of dirt on them
0:02:36 > 0:02:38in case someone wants to run for office.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Well, it ain't Jerry. That's for sure.- What?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Well, he's got a couple of 359s on him. Public urination.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I don't like this game. I just don't like it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51He's probably gonna go anger-pee in the courtyard.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Well, you crazy park people, I'm out of here.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Leslie, I'll see you tomorrow. - Tomorrow, will be our
0:03:00 > 0:03:02first official... First date.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- Roger that. - Copy. Over and out.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08'Dave and I are going on our first date tomorrow.'
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I'm not nervous.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Why should I be nervous? We're just two people going on a first date.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14There's nothing to be nervous about.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16MOBILE PHONE RINGS, SHE GASPS
0:03:21 > 0:03:22That was my phone.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25- Hey.- Hey. Hi there.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27What are you... What are you doing here?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Oh, I'm looking for scandalous information about my co-workers,
0:03:34 > 0:03:35for a game that we're playing.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39My taxes pay your salary, right?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Yeah.- Cool.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And he looked up at me,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51and he said, "Thank you. You saved my life."
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Yeah. Hey, listen,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Do you have, like, a first date outfit I can borrow?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Yeah, I wouldn't go with a cargo pant.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- What about, like, a sexy hat? - I don't know what that even is.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Helping already.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Do you wanna just come by after work today?- Sure. Yeah. Tonight?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Several hours from now?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15SHE SIGHS
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Or you could just come over now?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I think that would be better. Let's go.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Oh, what you doing, guys?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Looking for dirt on me? No point.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Give up now.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, wait, there's this.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Everybody, I bought a Croissan'wich this morning.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40This isn't even a real receipt. Just a scrap of paper.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- Taliban robes!- What?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Where'd you get that photo from?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- Hey, Tom. Nice Taliban robes. - Those aren't Taliban robes.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52That's from Halloween, 10 years ago. I was dressed like a Jedi.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I'm sure that the voters would be able to tell the difference.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Mmm, looks to me like you're in the Taliban.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Well, did everybody know that Ron's ex-wife, Tammy,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02is actually his second ex-wife named Tammy?
0:05:02 > 0:05:08That's right. Ron has two ex-wives, each named Tammy.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Both of them bitches.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Yes, my mom's name is Tammy.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18What's your point?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Tom, that was a Jaeger-secret.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24You just breached a Jaeger-secret.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Damn, this just heated up quick!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Ta-da!- That looks great.- Yeah?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Will you be wearing it out of the store today, madam?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- BAD COCKNEY ACCENT: - I think I will, good lady.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- Hey, while I have you, can I ask you a question?- Shoot.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- What if he asks me if I've been married?- Have you?- No.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Well, then, say that.- But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47You know, I'm gonna say that I was married.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49The real question is, should I say that I have kids?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Guys like girls that have kids, right?- Whoa!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?- Leslie, relax.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Yeah.- OK?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I just have a few more questions for you, Ann.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03What if he shows up with another woman?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09What, if instead of Tic Tacs, I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien
0:06:09 > 0:06:12and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
0:06:12 > 0:06:17Those are all insane hypotheticals. And I promise you they won't happen.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19They have happened.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21All of these have happened to me.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23No, there's more.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26One time, I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27I thought it was terrible wine.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Once I went out with a guy who wore 3D glasses the entire evening.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy,
0:06:39 > 0:06:43and, while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48We went out a couple times after that, but then he got weird.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I know it sounds crazy, I'm a grown woman,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53but I am just not good on first dates.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Oh, OK. OK. You have a problem, and this is how we're gonna fix it.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit nearby,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05But let me tell you something, Ann, it never works.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08No, no, no. We are gonna go to a restaurant and have a practice date.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I will pretend to be Dave, and you will practise on me.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Oh! That's a way better idea.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Hey, Dave, it's me. It's Leslie. - Hi, Leslie.- Hi!- Good to see you.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20You don't wanna do that quite yet.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22So, Dave...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Let's begin our conversation.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- What's on the note cards?- They're possible topics of conversation.
0:07:30 > 0:07:35"Whales, parades, electricity." And the rest are blank.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Well, I couldn't think of anything else.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Leslie's in worse shape than I thought.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40LESLIE LAUGHS
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Oh... - LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Is she practice-laughing?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Oh, Dave... You!
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Ahem...
0:07:49 > 0:07:52The Danish call it "op og ned apparat,"
0:07:52 > 0:07:56which literally translated means the "up and down machine."
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Wow, that's a thorough history of the teeter-totter.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Now I'm gonna talk about the local flora and fauna found in Pawnee.- OK.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- What's amazing...- You know? Just ask me a question.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06- Just try to get to know me.- OK.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry. My mind is blank.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16How big is it?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- Really?- Oh, my God.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Hey, Tommy. Hi. - Hey.- Are you ready?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Yes, I am. Just give me one second.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Hey, Donna. Let me ask you something.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Do you hate black people? - Excuse me?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Cos, apparently, in 1988, you donated money
0:08:34 > 0:08:37to the presidential campaign for David Duke.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- The KKK guy?- I got a phone call. They said he would lower taxes.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Boom! How's it feel to lose so hard?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I'm sorry, honey. Let's get coffee.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Ree-Ron! You remember my wife, Wendy Haverford.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- Of course.- Yeah, hi. - How are things at the hospital?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Very good, thank you. I just got a paediatric surgery fellowship.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01- Nice.- We're celebrating, cos she's super rich and super hot also.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03OK. Come on, Tommy. Cut it out.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05You're super hot. Everybody else has to deal with it.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Let's get out of here. See you later, Ron.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I've established a scientifically perfect
0:09:12 > 0:09:1410-point scale of human beauty.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Wendy is a 7.4,
0:09:16 > 0:09:21which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Ten is tennis legend Steffi Graf.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Hi, Dave.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30You're late. And I can see your nipples through your dress.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32What? No. Really?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35In nursing school, we took a psych course on how to treat phobias
0:09:35 > 0:09:37with a method called "exposure therapy."
0:09:37 > 0:09:39So, like, if you were afraid of snakes,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41they would immerse you in a tank of snakes.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45So, I am going to immerse Leslie in a tank of bad date.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- You're 20 minutes late, I almost left.- OK.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- God!- Well, I was, er... dropping my niece off.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53What's your niece's name?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Torple. What? I don't know.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59That's not a name. I don't have a niece.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- My niece's name is Stephanie. - Stop lying.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Hey, look. There's bread. You want some? Oh, no!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- I got flowers in your soup. I'm so sorry.- Come on!
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Just... I have to go to the whiz palace.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13You know, Dave, the place where you...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15You know, the toilet thing.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21It's a bathroom! It's called a bathroom!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Hey, Mark.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Well, that's funny, because a little birdie told me
0:10:33 > 0:10:36that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- DONNA:- Oh, snap!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- What?- You didn't know that, huh?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I didn't know I was adopted.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Oh, no. Oh, Jerry. Oh, Jerry. I'm so sorry.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- I really didn't wanna play.- You...
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- That was not my intention. - It's not your fault.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00He totally baited you with that unpaid parking ticket.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02RON: Tom, could you come into my office?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Tom-ato sauce.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Ron-tonamo Bay.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Do be seated and congratulate me.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- For what?- Winning the game.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I just found out, through some pretty impressive investigating,
0:11:17 > 0:11:21that your wedding was a sham. It's a green card marriage.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22That's crazy. I was born in South Carolina.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24These colours don't run, baby.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Yes, but Wendy was born in Ottawa, Canada.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Her visa was set to expire the day after you got married
0:11:31 > 0:11:35at the county courthouse in front of three strangers and no family.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38OK. We met in college.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41She wanted to work in the States, she couldn't get a permit...
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I knew it. I knew you couldn't get a wife as hot as her.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Seriously, Ron. Games aside, you gotta keep this between us.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Don't tell anybody, please.- Come on. Don't worry. I won't turn you in.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Just admit that, when it comes to digging up dirt,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I bested you in this game. Say it. Say, "I bested you."
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Fine. You bested me. Is that all?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02No. I'll have your wife tonight.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04What?!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I'm just kidding. Get out of here.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Why would you say that, Dave? That dog was, like, my best friend.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- And when she died, it was... - Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Hey, Tiffany.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Yeah, I definitely wanna see you tonight.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21No, I can't really talk right now, cos I'm on a date with this drip.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Yeah, I can ask.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Hey, do you wanna watch a porno after this with me and my wife?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28No, Dave. Cos you're disgusting.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31So, it's definitely a no?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I don't understand why you're being so terrible. We're two people trying
0:12:34 > 0:12:36to go on a date. It's supposed to be fun. It's just a date.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39You're right, it is. Well done.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Sorry I had to get all medical on you. But now you see that,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44even if everything goes wrong, you'll survive.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Well, well, well.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You coy bastard.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Mark.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Tom.- You hate Ron, right?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- No. I think Ron is fine. - So, we're on the same page.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03You gotta help me take him down. There's gotta be something on him.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Tom, I'm starting to feel kind of gross about this game.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07It's not about the game anymore.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Ron has some serious dirt on me. I need to balance things out.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12You must know how that feels, you got tons of dirt in your past.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Please, you gotta help me.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19There is a man named Duke Silver.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22He hangs out at a bar in Eagleton.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26He's an old friend of Ron's, maybe you should ask him.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Thanks, man. I'm gonna dig up so much dirt on this guy,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31there's gonna be worms all over the place.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34- It sounded snappier in my head. - Yeah.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38'Ann is so awesome. I'm lucky to have a friend'
0:13:38 > 0:13:41who would spend a whole day being so mean to me.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Catch. I don't need your dress anymore, I'll wear my own stuff.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Me-power.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Good. You're officially first date-proof.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Thank you, Dave.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Listen, it is impossible that he's not gonna like you.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- He's gonna freak out about how awesome you are.- No, he's not.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Yes, he is. He's gonna love you.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02You're cool and you're sexy and you're funny and you're smart...
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Yeah.- Look, any guy would be lucky to date you.- Yeah.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- Yeah. Hell, yeah. - Yeah. Hells, yeah!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- Yeah. I AM awesome. - You ARE awesome.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- Yeah, and you are, too. - Thank you.- You are, too.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Thank you. - You are, too, Ann.- OK!
0:14:15 > 0:14:16- You're awesome.- You're awesome.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Help, police! Help! Help!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Hey.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Look, I know today is today, and it's not tomorrow,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33but I felt like you should know that I'm awesome,
0:14:33 > 0:14:34and you're lucky to have me.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And I think our first date tomorrow is gonna go awesome,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39off-the-charts amazing. Up top.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43All right, let's do this, bitch!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I'm not scared. Can I come and sit down for a little bit?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Cos I walked here, cos... The drinking.- I don't know...
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I do know. I'm coming inside. So, move, OK?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55You make a better door than a guy.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57- TOM:- Hey.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01This is gonna sound weird. I'm looking for a guy named Duke Silver.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Yeah, he goes on in a second.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Ladies, ladies, ladies, it's just about that time.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09It's with the jazziest pleasure that I bring out for you,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12my man, Mr Duke Silver!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14CHEERING
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Thank you, Dwayne.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22As always, it is a thrill to be here, during this witching hour
0:15:22 > 0:15:26with you lovely ladies. Now, relax, and let the Duke Silver Trio
0:15:26 > 0:15:29take you on a little journey to yourself.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Ann was helping me, because I was panicking about tomorrow.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- Well, did I say something to make you worry about...- No, no.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Just the whole idea of first dates just kind of freak me out.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57But not anymore.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01I can't even believe that I was scared to go on a date with you.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- I mean, you should be scared of me.- OK.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I think I need to return this sweater.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I think it fused with my shirt in the dryer or something.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12OK, I think that's a sweater-shirt combo.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I think it's going pretty well with Dave.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19He wants me. I can totally tell that he wants me.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'm right here. You know I'm here, right?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Did you see my bra? Mmm? Bee, boop.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Guess what? I'm wearing the hot one tomorrow, the black one.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- OK.- Can I use your bathroom?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Yes.- Are you impressed that I know what it's called?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Look, maybe I ought to give you a lift home.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Good. Well, in London, they call elevators "lifts."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- You'll give me an elevator home? No, thank you.- OK. Let's go.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- OK?- OK. Let's go...- OK. - BAD COCKNEY:- ..down to the pub...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- That's right. To the pub. - ..get a pint.- Yes.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- We'll put our knickers in The Beatles records.- OK...
0:16:48 > 0:16:49This is an English accent.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52ON TV: 'What I cannot believe is Dexhart's wife.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54'I mean, how clueless can you get?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57'How did she not know this was going on?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00'More importantly, how does she stay with him after all this?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02'I think Dexhart's credibility...'
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Hey. Can I help you at, er, 11:48pm?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09OK, here's the whole thing. Here are all my skeletons.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12When I was 16, I had sex with a married woman.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Right.- When I was in college, I smoked a decent amount of pot.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Uh-huh.- Nothing insane... - What the hell are you doing?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I'm trying to tell you that I've done some stuff
0:17:20 > 0:17:23that I'm not very proud of. But I like you.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26So, I would rather you not find out about this from anyone but me.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28This was a bad idea.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- SHE LAUGHS - No, no. It's fine.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I get what this is, and why you did it.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Is there anything that you would like to share from your past,
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- to sort of balance the scales?- Yeah.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43One time this guy rang my doorbell at midnight,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- to brag about getting laid when he was 16, so I shot him.- Good night.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51It's been a real gift making sonic love to you tonight.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55If you want more of the Duke, both my albums are for sale here,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Smooth As Silver and Hi Ho, Duke.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02And look for my new CD next month, The Memories of Now.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06So, come see me, come talk to me, come love with me,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and maybe we can walk through fire together.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Thank you. Good night.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Duke! Huge fan.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Look, Tom. I imagine you'll wanna tell everyone about this,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29but I have worked pretty hard to cultivate a certain authoritative,
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- or intimidating image around the office...- Can I get a picture?- Sure.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Say, "I bested you!"
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I bested you.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- All right. Thanks for loving the Duke.- Thank you. Thank you.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42That was a lovely photo.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Truce?- Truce.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- You're kidding me. - No. I'm not.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52You showed up at the guy's house in the middle of the night, drunk,
0:18:52 > 0:18:53and you didn't even sleep with him?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Should I have? - It never hurts.- God!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58DOOR OPENS
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Hey.- Hey.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Hey!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Er, ahem, You left quite a bit of stuff at my place last night.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Purse, and earrings, and a shoe.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I am so sorry for what happened last night.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14On my list of embarrassing things that I've done in my life,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17that was numbers one through seven.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- I totally understand if you wanna cancel.- It's OK.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- You can make it up to me tonight on our second date.- Second?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Well, yeah. Last night was our first date.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27That would make tonight our second.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I'm looking forward to it. 8:00?
0:19:30 > 0:19:328:00.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- You like dancing?- Yeah!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- I don't...I don't like dancing. - Then we don't have to go.- OK.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Well, we went on our first date, and I didn't even know it.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43A.K.A., I nailed it.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45No fires, no ambulances,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47just good old-fashioned showing up drunk
0:19:47 > 0:19:49at a guy's house late at night.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53However, I wanna be clear,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I have no plans to resign.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Is it weird that my feelings are hurt
0:19:57 > 0:20:00that no one's found any dirt on me yet?
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Hello! I drove a riding lawn mower through a Nordstrom!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09There's video that I took! It's on the Internet.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Nothing.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Jerry. Plastic surgery?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I got hit by a fire engine.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- You are so lucky.- How?