0:00:02 > 0:00:04Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Soon to be number three. We're coming for you, San Antonio.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09No, we are not.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10We're slimming down...
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Starting right here at City Hall.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15I am implementing a government-wide health initiative.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17We could have a City Hall dodge ball league.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I have first pick, and my pick is Ron.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Great idea! Keep 'em coming. Now, if anybody would like to join me,
0:00:22 > 0:00:26I will be running backwards up the big hill behind the Wal-Mart.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Don't freak out,
0:00:28 > 0:00:31but Joe from sewage just unhooked your bra with his eyes.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34What? Oh, boy.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- Hi, Joe.- What's up, Knope? Looking good these days.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41What do you say? Van's out back. Let's roll.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- Where's this coming from? - I don't know.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46You're putting out some vibe today. It's just driving me crazy.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Listen, if you're looking for a good time,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51why don't you come on down to the toilet party?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55- That's what we call the sewage department.- Great. OK.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Liking the view.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- Still got it, Joe. - No, you don't.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- Christopher, got a second? - Oh, hey, Ron.- Listen,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for 12 years.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade
0:01:30 > 0:01:33won't affect the only part of my job that I like.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Oh, no, those hamburgers are gone.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Red meat can cause sluggishness, heart disease, even impotence.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Has the opposite effect on me.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41You ever tried a turkey burger?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46If so, yes. Delicious.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48A turkey burger - you take lean ground turkey meat,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51and you make that into a burger, instead of red meat.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Why would anyone do that to themselves?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55What if I told you that I could make a turkey burger
0:01:55 > 0:01:59that tastes better than any other burger you've ever had?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Challenge accepted.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Cook-off later today in the courtyard.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06If I win, hamburgers remain in the commissary.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08What do I get if I win?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12The rarest jewel of all - victory over me, Ron Swanson.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I like that. We're on.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16You know, I can't believe I'm saying this,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19but I actually checked out that, uh, that snow globe museum
0:02:19 > 0:02:21that you recommended, and it was pretty awesome,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I have to say. I mean, I did get in trouble for shaking one.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Yeah, I'm not allowed there any more.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- So I have some ideas for the health initiative.- OK.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29How about I swing by later,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32and we'll just, you know, maybe go over everything?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Or we could go out after work?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37You know, go to JJ's or something, grab a bite.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Um, I-I don't think I can. But why don't we just talk about it later
0:02:41 > 0:02:43in this building?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46OK? All right.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48But, uh, you're great, and you have great ideas,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50and...
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Um...
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Uh, bye.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Bye, babe.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Hey, I brought this cholesterol-testing kit
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- for the health thing. - OK, let's do it.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07So I asked Ben out to dinner, and he said no.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- What?- Yeah.- He seemed really into you. What did he say exactly?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12He was like, "Huh? What? Huh? Oh. Bye."
0:03:12 > 0:03:14And then he walked into an office that wasn't his.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Oh. You know what? If he doesn't want to go out with you, he's nuts.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You're awesome, and there's a million other guys out there.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I have been having so much fun just dating a bunch of people.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I know. Who was that guy you were talking to out there
0:03:25 > 0:03:26- and then also kissing? I was... - SHE YELPS
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Crap on a crayfish. That really stings.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- I haven't pricked you yet. - Oh, sorry. I was just picturing it.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Maybe you need to cast a wider net.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Have you thought about Internet dating?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Really? I don't think that's for me.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Aah! You're a monster. - Still haven't done it yet.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I'll help you set up a profile. It'll be fun.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43All right, yeah, let's do it. OK, good.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- I'm glad that's over. - Oh, it's not.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47- SHE GASPS:- BLEEP- you, Ann!
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Who the hell is "Forp"?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I don't know. I couldn't really hear him.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54It sounded like his name was Forp.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- You get his number?- No.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Good girl.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Ron Swanson. April Ludgate.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Hey, I'm just gonna pop over to Grain 'N Simple
0:04:02 > 0:04:04to get the very best ingredients for my burger.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Do you want to come? - What is Grain 'N Simple?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- It's a health food store.- Pawnee doesn't have a health food store.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13No, but Snerling does, and it's only a 40-minute drive.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14What are you doing, Andy?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I'm getting healthier snacks for the shoeshine stand.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Chris is a food genius.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Did you know that the food you eat becomes energy? Yeah!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Boom! That's spaghetti.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Nachos.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26That's a cookie.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29That's my husband.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- See you tomorrow?- OK.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Is that a different guy from earlier?- What?- Never mind.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- You ready to rock this profile? - All right.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Yellow-haired female likes waffles and news.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Sexy, well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- Much better.- Hobbies? - Organising my agenda.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Wait, that doesn't sound fun. Um, jamming on my planner.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- Favourite place?- Upstairs there's this mural of wild flowers,
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- and I like to sit on a bench in front of it.- Really?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03It could be anywhere in the world - Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05No, just the bench in front of the mural.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- What about, like, an actual meadow where wild flowers are?- Ew, Ann.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- I'm scared of bees. Mural. - OK, what do you think of dogs?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Love.- Cats.- Love.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Fish.- Love.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Turtles.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19No opinion.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20They're condescending.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Describe your ideal man.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26He's dark and mysterious,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29and he can sing, and he plays the organ.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.- Mm.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- ALL: Hey, Chris. - Amber, Annie, Bill, Johnny.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43'No, I don't plan to buy anything here.'
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I buy my burger ingredients at food and stuff,
0:05:46 > 0:05:50a discount-food outlet equidistant from my home and my work.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I came here for the same reason people go to the zoo.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Sh. Look at that thing.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Nature is amazing.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05OK. Oh, my God.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08A 98% match. That's a soul-mate-level match.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12I've never seen anything this high before.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Awesome.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15OK. I know what you're thinking.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17And you know what? You have to forget about Ben.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19He had his chance, and he blew it.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23This computer could have found the future Mr Leslie Knope.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Yeah. OK...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Entire universe of guys I might date,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29let's see what you got.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Ah!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35'This is Craig at hoosiermate.com. How can I help you?'
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- Craig, your service is crap. - 'Can you be more specific?'- Yes.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Your soul-mate match was totally wrong for me.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I mean, I like him as a friend and everything,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44but I'd never go out with him. He's like a little sister to me.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46'We have a very sophisticated algorithm
0:06:46 > 0:06:47'that's paired up thousands of couples.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- 'I actually met my wife on the site.' - Really? Well, that's not gonna last.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- 'Excuse me?'- You heard me. Your marriage is a sham. Goodbye, Craig.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57See you, sweetheart.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Wow, he seems nice. - Eh. He kind of lives in a barn.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01- What's up?- What's wrong with me?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Why do good guys hate me and gross guys love me?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Diagnose me. You're a nurse. - There's nothing wrong with you.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09You are an intelligent, classy, attractive woman.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12But for whatever reason, right now
0:07:12 > 0:07:14only douche-y guys are buying what you're selling.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18So I should go and ask them what they think I'm selling.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20A douche-vestigation.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Nice!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- KNOCK AT DOOR - Hi, Joe.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I know you're gonna take this the wrong way,
0:07:25 > 0:07:26but can I talk to you for a second?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29You can do anything to me for any number of seconds.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Hmm.- Would you like to talk outside in my van?- No. Here's fine.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36I was flattered by what you said earlier.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40And I was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44She can't be in a wheelchair, no canes, no grey hair.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- So you're just attracted to me, cos I'm not an elderly person?- Yeah.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52And, as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55What does this do?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Yes, please.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Another, please.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19S-sir, is there a problem?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I'm just making sure no-one ever has to eat this.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I-I don't think I can give you any more.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25I want one.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Yeah, I'm calling to lodge a complaint about
0:08:32 > 0:08:36the seaweed and almond under-eye cream I purchased from you guys.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Oh, my problem is it smells terrible.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Yeah, I even mixed it with another under-eye cream,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43and it still smelled, so I ruined two eye creams.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Yes, I will hold.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50# Forever young I want to be
0:08:50 > 0:08:52# Forever young
0:08:52 > 0:08:55# Do you really want to live forever? #
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- What's this?- Dragon fruit.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02What's this?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04A kiwano or horned melon.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- What's this?- A peach.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I knew that.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Wow!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Fresh lettuce is my all-time favourite food.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- What's your favourite food? - Oh, I take skittles,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18and I put it between two starbursts.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- You know what I call it? - Skittle sandwich.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29It's nice because the flavour of the starbursts
0:09:29 > 0:09:34really bring out a... similar flavour in the skittles.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37# Forever young
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- # I want to be forever young... # - Hey, Tom.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Um...- What's up?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Do you want to go to lunch?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Uh, no, I don't really feel like going to JJ's.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49We can go anywhere. Your choice. I'm buying.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Can I get apps and 'serts?
0:09:51 > 0:09:55'Serts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I call sandwiches Sammies, Sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02I don't know where that came from.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I call cakes big old cookies.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I call noodles long-ass rice.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Chicken parm is chicky-chicky parm-parm.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Chicken cacciatore - chicky catch.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I call eggs pre-birds or future birds.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Root beer is super water.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Tortillas are bean blankies.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21And I call forks...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23food rakes.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Yeah, you can get as many 'serts as you want.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Well, let's get in my go-go mobile.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Car.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31This'll be fun.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Let's say you rub a bottle and a genie comes out
0:10:33 > 0:10:35and gives you three wishes, what would those wishes be?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Come on, Leslie. - This'll be a fun game.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Three wishes. Go. - OK, first wish, I have a huge house
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- with a tonne of balconies. - Yeah, OK.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45And I would just stand out there observing my empire,
0:10:45 > 0:10:46like a drug dealer in a Michael Bay movie.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50And I'll just spend my time out there reading my iPad
0:10:50 > 0:10:52and drinking espressos in a terry cloth robe.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58- Wish number two.- OK, I'm the CEO of the Spike TV Network.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Mm-hm.- And my best friend / personal assistant
0:11:01 > 0:11:03is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05And we create a raunchy animated series
0:11:05 > 0:11:10based on our friendship called Tommy and the Foxx.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- OK, we don't have to do this any more.- No, no, I'm into it now.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Wish number three - they remake Point Break.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I play both roles!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Keanu AND Swayze!
0:11:19 > 0:11:23If you continue cross-training the way you have, you're gonna...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I don't see any ingredients.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Have you bought ingredients?- Nope.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- Do you need help shopping?- No.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Are you hurt? Can you move? - Never felt better.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Chris!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- Can I get these?- I said one thing.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Eh. Honey?
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Pinwheel.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Let's play a different game. I'm gonna say stuff about me,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47and you say, on a scale from one to ten,
0:11:47 > 0:11:48how interested in that thing you are.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Ready?- OK.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- I love sunshine and fresh air and early-morning walks.- One.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- I have read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.- One.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- I work at the parks and recreation...- One.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- That's what you do.- One. - I once kissed a girl in college...
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- Eight.- ..where I graduated Summa Cum Laude in history.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07One, zero, negative a billion. Don't talk about it any more, please.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13'I love Food and Stuff.'
0:12:13 > 0:12:16It's where I buy all of my food...
0:12:16 > 0:12:19'And most of my stuff.'
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- Hey, can I get these? - How much are they?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Two bucks apiece.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Good deal.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Anything else?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Nope. Just the crows and the beef.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34So the only thing that's important to you is hotness?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Wendy, Lucy. All you cared about was the shape of their boobs?
0:12:36 > 0:12:37No. I really liked them,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40and they happened to have nice breasts.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43You're acting really weird. What'd you even buy me lunch for?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Just so you could yell at me for what I like about women?- OK.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Promise not to tell anyone?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Sure.- This is insane!
0:12:49 > 0:12:53But you and I got matched up on hoosiermate.com.
0:12:54 > 0:12:5698% match.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Soul-mate-level match.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02You want to date me.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03This is a date.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- This is not a date, OK?- Uh, you took me to a fancy restaurant.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09You paid for my meal. And you're trying to get to know me better.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I was just trying to figure out
0:13:11 > 0:13:13why only sleazy guys are into me right now.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Nice try. You love me.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18# Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford
0:13:18 > 0:13:21# Dating in the day dating in the night
0:13:21 > 0:13:24# Dating all day cos he's keeping it tight... #
0:13:24 > 0:13:25All right, Tom, enough.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27# Dating in the car dating on the floor
0:13:27 > 0:13:29# Dating everywhere cos she wants some more... #
0:13:29 > 0:13:32HE SCATS
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Hey, Tom, I'm just printing out these health tips.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Can you grab them for me? - One second.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I'm just looking at some real-estate listings.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Oh, this is perfect for us!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Three bedroom, and, oh, God, Les,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49it has that dream closet you've always wanted.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- A walk-in closet.- Oh, God.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Hey, hey, Boo.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57What's wrong? Where'd you go?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Come back to me.- Stop it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Don't disappear on me. I need you, Boo.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05All right. Uh, let's get into it.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08What do you guys have for health tips?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Ben, if it's OK with you,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Leslie and I are gonna lead the meeting today
0:14:11 > 0:14:13because of our deep spiritual connection.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17OK... All right. Is everything OK?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- Oh, yeah.- OK. - Everything is great, Ben.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Les and I just had something magical happen today
0:14:22 > 0:14:24at lunch.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26There is some weird juju in this room right now.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Office yoga. We do stretches at our desk
0:14:29 > 0:14:33or next to our desk or in a chair - always good for you. Um...
0:14:33 > 0:14:37We give everyone pedometers, and we have a contest -
0:14:37 > 0:14:39whoever takes the most steps wins a prize.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42You know, anything to get their heart rate up.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44You know what else gets people's heart rate up?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Doing it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Talking about sex with my boss.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Can you excuse us for a second? - Yeah.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Hey, can I talk to you for a second? - Ow! Let me get out of the chair!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Hey!- What is wrong with you? - Leslie, it's the workplace.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00You're being a little bit too feisty right now.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03You are being a little bit too much of an ass right now. OK?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- Knock it off. - I can't fight this feeling any more.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09You and I - we're dating.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- You should be so lucky. - Leslie.- Huh?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Tom.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24They should fix that.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It was all just a joke. I can assure you,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29there's nothing romantic going on between me and Tom.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I have a very strict policy - no office relationships,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34particularly between a supervisor and an employee.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36The taxpayers pay us, so we can't have anything
0:15:36 > 0:15:39appearing even remotely scandalous. I'm just saying,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41if you can't keep your mouth to yourself,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- I'm gonna have to suspend you. - I understand.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Look. Cucumber flower.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Wow. That's so cute.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- Wait, that's a garnish. You're not supposed to eat that.- What?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Type up those ones we talked about and we'll get it finalised tomorrow.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56JERRY: Yep.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- Hey, Tom.- Yep.- Um...
0:16:00 > 0:16:02What was all that stuff with you and Leslie?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Girl likes Indian food. What can I say?
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Fine.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08We got matched up on an online dating site.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11And I was messing with her. She got pissed.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13So she took me out in the hallway and kissed me
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- out of revenge.- Really?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17And as much as it pains me to admit this,
0:16:17 > 0:16:18it was not disgusting.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20OK, well, I don't need the details.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I'm just saying, she knows what to do.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27- All right.- Like, I was impressed. - Yeah.- It was stirring.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Goodbye.- It felt like... - Can...? Yep.- All right.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Just... All right. - Anyway, like I was saying...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I humbly place before you
0:16:34 > 0:16:37my east meets west patented Traeger turkey burger -
0:16:37 > 0:16:38an Asian fusion burger
0:16:38 > 0:16:41made with Willow Farms organic turkey,
0:16:41 > 0:16:45a toasted tallegio-cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aioli,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47and micro-greens on a gluten-free brioche bun.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Enjoy.- Mmm.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells - I'm guessing.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55What is this in here? Saffron?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Wow, somebody's got a sharp palate.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I love the umami flavour.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Stop being so pretentious, Kyle.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- Sorry.- Here's mine.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08It's a hamburger made out of meat on a bun with nothing.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Add ketchup if you want. I couldn't care less.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Ron, I'm so disappointed.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Never mind. This is better.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Way better.- Mmm. Yep. Mm-hmm.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- ANDY: Kyle? - Sorry, Andy. Ron's is better.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Damn it, Kyle.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Oh, my God, it's so much better, it's crazy.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Turkey can never beat cow, Chris.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Sorry.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37I don't understand. I-I-I've tinkered with this recipe for years.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Granted, it's been a long time since I've had hamburger.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48This is better.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50The commissary will continue to serve
0:17:50 > 0:17:52horrifying, artery-clogging hamburgers.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54CHEERING
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Man, we spent, like, 50 hours working on those burgers.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I know. Hard work never pays off.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Cooking is dumb.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08I swear on this dead crow that I will never cook for you.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I love you.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I just wanted to make sure that there were no hard feelings
0:18:14 > 0:18:15after I forced you to break up with Tom.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Oh, we weren't... No. No hard feelings.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Cos it's just a real bugaboo of mine. And it applies to everyone.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Just the other day, Ben told me that he might want
0:18:24 > 0:18:27to socialise with somebody from the government,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- and I said, "I'm sorry, not possible."- Really?
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Did he say who?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33No, and I didn't ask, cos it's irrelevant.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34He oversees every department.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36It simply can't happen.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38This is literally the best thing I've ever eaten.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Mmm. And it's so bad for me.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I'm gonna have to jog while I digest this. Excuse me.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46- Hey, what's up?- Hey.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Well, uh, I think I'm allergic to chutney.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Also, what's chutney?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- No clue.- Yeah.- Hey, I never got to tell you the rest of my ideas.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56You want to go somewhere and talk about 'em?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Um, let me get some actual food and then...
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Do you know that wild flower mural up on the second floor?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Mm-hm.- Yeah?
0:19:06 > 0:19:11- Do you want to meet there? - Yeah.- OK.- Sounds good.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13'I don't know if the online thing is for me.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16'I prefer to meet people in person.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20'It's like door number two on Let's Make a Deal.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23'Do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like
0:19:23 > 0:19:26'but isn't perfect,
0:19:26 > 0:19:30'or do you give it up for what's behind door number two?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34'I think I like what I have.'
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I'm gonna try to make it work with Tom.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I'm kidding!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41All right, be honest, Tom, how did you and I get matched up?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I made 26 profiles,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45each designed to attract a different type of girl.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Tom A Haverford - sporty and sexy.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Tom B Haverford - smooth and soulful.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Which letter did you get?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- N. Tom N Haverford. - HE LAUGHS
0:19:55 > 0:19:57The N stands for "Nerd." I never even check that one,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- cos no-one ever responds to it. - OK, well, whatever.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Tom N Haverford collects globes.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Great. That's enough.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05His favourite movie is books.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Donna.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Every time I want you to shut up from now on.