0:00:02 > 0:00:05- Hey.- Thanks for that year-over-year maintenance cost analysis. Really helpful.
0:00:05 > 0:00:10You're so welcome. I was thinking of you when I wrote it. Cos I was...
0:00:10 > 0:00:14- Cos I told you I wanted to read it? - Yeah.- It's a good reason.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Oh, anyway, Chris wants to see us in his office.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19- I guess we should head over there. - All right.- All right.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- Cool.- Great.- See you there. - I'll see you there, Benjamin. Ben.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25All right, Leslie-min. Leslie.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Hi, Ben.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Oh, hey, Ann.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Wow! That was the most sexual tension
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I have ever seen in a conversation about documents.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39It can't happen. We could both get fired.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- That's a dumb rule.- I know!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Well, if you have to follow it, I would just suggest
0:00:43 > 0:00:48avoiding one-on-one, tension-y situations with him.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50You're right. Good plan.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I am sending you two on a trip.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54BOTH: Really?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57The Indiana little league baseball tournament is upon us,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59and Pawnee hasn't hosted it in 20 years.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03So, I would like you two to go to Indianapolis and state our case,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06because you two are my dynamic duo.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Put it here. Eh, eh-eh, eh...
0:01:10 > 0:01:11- Go, team!- Yeah.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Ann, everything you have is too sexy.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36This is actually the dress that Julia Roberts wore as a prostitute in Pretty Woman.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I know. I look really good in it.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40I need a sweat suit or something.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I need to send out a signal that nothing is gonna happen.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh, this is insane.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47It's so obvious you're dying to be together.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48And now you're going on a road trip?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I mean, you guys could literally "get a room."
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Yeah, and I could literally get a-fired.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54All right, I will help you anti-seduce him.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Just tell me what else you need.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I need to think of unsexy, boring conversation topics
0:01:59 > 0:02:00we can talk about in the car.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I have a few ideas.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05We could discuss the New Yorker article The History Of The Ladder.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- OK.- We could talk about different dorms
0:02:08 > 0:02:09at Johns Hopkins University,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12and I could read from my Sonicare booklet.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- Oh, I have a good idea!- What?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Why don't you ask him about his penis?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19PHONE RINGS
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Pawnee Zoo, monkey speaking.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23HE MIMICS MONKEY CHATTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:27OK, everyone stop what you're doing and come with me - all four of you.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Where are you going? - Leslie's not here today.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31No boss. We can do whatever we want.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32I'M your boss.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34HE LAUGHS That's a good one, Ron.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Let's go, seriously. Come on.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Here's the sitch.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I developed a dope new game show
0:02:40 > 0:02:41where I ask couples scandalous questions,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44and they have to guess what the other one answered.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I call this Know Ya Boo.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Oh, that sounds like The Newlywed Game.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Shut up, Jerry! It's not The Newlywed Game, OK?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53It is totally The Newlywed Game.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55But big deal. Everyone steals.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57My favourite movie is Love Don't Cost A Thing, with Nick Cannon,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59which is based on Can't Buy Me Love,
0:02:59 > 0:03:03which is based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Don't know, don't care.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07And what exactly do you plan on doing with this game-show idea?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Are you going to shove it up your butt?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12No, I'm gonna test it out on you four bing-bongs
0:03:12 > 0:03:13and work out the kinks,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16then hire actual attractive people and make a demo.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18What network is gonna buy a game show from you?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21There's a million networks out there and they all need programming.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse,
0:03:24 > 0:03:25WoW, Boom, Zip, Kablam,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29I love Slurp HD.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Have you guys seen Ultimate Battle Smoothie?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- That's a dope show.- Oh, my God.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Yeah, so, basically, every dorm allows bed lofting
0:03:35 > 0:03:38but the students have really taken to it at Wolman and McCoy.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Did you go to Johns Hopkins?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42No.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Do you wanna play some music?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Sure! Ann and I burned an awesome CD for the trip.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Jimmy Carter's Crisis of Confidence speech,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Learning To Speak Mandarin,
0:03:52 > 0:03:5516 minutes of old-timey car horn,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59and something called Banjo Boogie Bonanza.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02BANJO MUSIC
0:04:03 > 0:04:06It's an amazing instrument, the banjo.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Yeah. I didn't realise it could be this loud.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Hello?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Hello?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Can I help you?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Hi. My class is here on a field trip,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- and I'm supposed to interview someone for a school project.- OK.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24You can wait at that table,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28and someone will be here sometime.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30But aren't you here now?
0:04:31 > 0:04:32No.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36# Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na
0:04:36 > 0:04:38# It's time to know ya... #
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I don't have the instrumental backing track yet, but it'll say "boo" there.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46CANNED APPLAUSE PLAYS Hey, everybody! Welcome Know Ya Boo.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I'm your host, Tom Haverford,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and with me as always is my CGI puppy co-host
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Bobby the Boo!
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Woof-woof! Hey, everybody!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56All right, let's get to it.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01First question - fellas, which rock star would your lady bang
0:05:01 > 0:05:03if she could bang one rock star?
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Jerry!
0:05:04 > 0:05:09I believe I have heard Donna talk about Prince a lot.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10What'd your boo say?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Ah! APPLAUSE
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Impressive!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17All right, Andy, which rock star would your lady get with?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Um, this is almost too easy - me!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Let's check in with your boo!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- Yay!- Oh!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26CANNED AUDIENCE GROAN Sorry.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Who is Jeff Mangum?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29The guy from Neutral Milk Hotel.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Oh! Oh.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Neutral Milk Hotel. What is that?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36That's my favourite band. I've told you that, like, a thousand times.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I don't remember. Why wouldn't you pick me?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I don't know. You're not technically a rock star.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"AUDIENCE" GASPS Boo-yah!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Somebody don't know their boo!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47That's the sound bite that's gonna play when a fight breaks out.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Look, little girl,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52can we postpone this for another day?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It's unsettling having you just sit there.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56But my report's due tomorrow.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- What's it on? - Why government matters.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Really?
0:06:00 > 0:06:04It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet
0:06:04 > 0:06:06that suckles on a taxpayer's teat
0:06:06 > 0:06:09until they have sore, chapped nipples.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine-year-old.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17What's your name, ma'am?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Lauren Berkus.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Lauren, my name is Ron Swanson,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24and I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know
0:06:24 > 0:06:27about the miserable, screwed-up world of local government.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29You have mustard in your moustache.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Don't sass me, Berkus. Let's get started.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37"Life, liberty, and property." That's John Locke.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39WHALE CALLING PLAYS
0:06:39 > 0:06:41What is this?
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Whale sounds.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43OK.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45You can change it if you want.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Yeah?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49MUSIC: "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green
0:06:49 > 0:06:50What the hell?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Oh, no, no, no. This is such a great song.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Yeah, I snuck an Al Green song in there.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I want them to get together. Sue me.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Did you see this? According to their rules,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04we may not have enough hotel rooms within city limits.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05I know. It's a silly rule.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08But maybe they'll be reasonable and not care.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Yeah, maybe we could just point out to them
0:07:09 > 0:07:11there are tons of hotel rooms just outside city limits.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Uh-huh.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Have you been to the Grandville Hotel and Spa?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Uh-uh.- They have the softest towels.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- Oh, I gotta tell ya. I love a nice towel in my life.- Me too. I know.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I mean, it's the simplest luxury, but it makes all the difference.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Their bath mats are amazing.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27It's like stepping on a lamb.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Oh, hold on. Hey, come here.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36You've got an eyelash on your face.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I got it. Make a wish.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40'Learning To Speak Mandarin. Unit three...'
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Get away from me.- Sorry.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43- I'm sorry.- Sorry.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Um...- Um...
0:07:45 > 0:07:46I'm allergic to fingers.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48'Where are you going?'
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Maybe we should just not talk to each other for the rest of the trip,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- and I'm just gonna concentrate on the presentation.- OK.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57'This is my little brother.'
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Next up... The delegation from Pawnee, please.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07And, so, as you can see, Pawnee has 12 beautiful baseball diamonds,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09and our seats have extra cushioning
0:08:09 > 0:08:12due to the massive size of our average citizen.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I have to bring up what happened last time Pawnee hosted this tournament.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17No, you don't.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Good evening. We begin with our first story tonight.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22They're cute, they're cuddly,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25but now they're wreaking havoc at the State Little League Championship.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Pawnee's raccoon infestation.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29CHILDREN SCREAM
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Have these little bandits stolen our sense of safety?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34The raccoon problem is under control.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37They have their part of the town and we have ours.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Muncie is larger. Bloomington is more central.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42What's the advantage of doing it in Pawnee?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46The advantage is that it's a wonderful city.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50I mean, look, I've been to 40-some-odd towns in Indiana,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and Pawnee is special.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I mean, the people are passionate and kind.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56They love their city.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00They take pride in their work.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03It's a very, very special place.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07JINGLE PLAYS
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Hey, it's Tom Haverford back here with Know Ya Boo.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Let's move to the next question.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Where is your favourite place to smush ya boo?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- Donna!- Back of my Benz?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Let's check in with ya boo!
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Her said her Mercedes!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22THEY LAUGH AND CHEER
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Jerry and Donna on fire.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- April?- This question is gross.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29That's kind of the point. What's your answer?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- In our bed, I guess.- Andy?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Where's your boo's favourite place to smush?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36At the Neutral Milk Hotel.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Get over it.- you get over it. You like some other dude's band more.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Do you even think Mouse Rat is the greatest band in the world?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- It's starting to not feel that way. - That band is really important to me,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48and, honestly, I've asked you to listen to them, like, a million times, and you never have, so...
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Cos their music is sad, and depressing, and weird.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53And art is supposed to be happy and fun,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55and everyone knows that.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56You know what? Whatever. Forget it.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58CANNED AUDIENCE GROANS
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Fine, forget it.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Damn! This game's got juice.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04This is your lunch.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Now, you should be able to do whatever you want to with this, right?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11If you wanna eat all of it, great.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14If you wanna throw it away in the garbage, that's your prerogative.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17But here I come, the government...
0:10:20 > 0:10:23And I get to take 40% of your lunch.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28And that, Lauren, is how taxes work.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- But that's not fair. - You're learning.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Uh-oh, Capital Gains Tax.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Well, Chris says congratulations
0:10:37 > 0:10:40and that together we're unstoppable.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41- Wow, cheers, sir!- Yup.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- You did it.- No, you did it.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45No, normally I do it.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46This time you did it.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- No.- You should take the praise.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Can I get a shot of you guys?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Yeah.- Sure.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Er, hey, when this thing's over, do you wanna grab some dinner?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Er, Chris recommended a place.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- Sure.- Yeah?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Um, hey, we were thinking about going to dinner, photographer.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05You want in? You wanna grab some grub?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Er, no, thanks. - They have great burgers.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Well, you don't even know where we're going yet, so...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I'm sure they have great burgers there, though.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Come on, photographer. Last chance.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- SHE SIGHS - Uh, OK.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Well, then, it's just us, then.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Yeah.- Sure. OK. I tried.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24And that, Lauren, is how FDR ruined this country.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Lauren, ready to head back?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Well, I guess it's time for you to head home.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I've really enjoyed talking with you.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33You are - and this is not a joke -
0:11:33 > 0:11:35much smarter than most of the people
0:11:35 > 0:11:36who work in this building.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- I liked talking with you, too, Mr Swanson.- Ron.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Hang on, hang on, I have something for you.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48This is a Claymore land mine.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Use that to protect your property.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- Thanks, Ron.- You got it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Tommy Hilfiger iPhone app - finally.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Hey, your stupid Know Ya Boo game made me and Andy get in a big fight.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05He just sold his guitar and he's, like, quitting music now.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07What do you want me to do about it?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10OK, welcome to the super-awesome bonus lightning round.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12First question...
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Andy, who did your boo say
0:12:13 > 0:12:16makes the best mac and cheese in the universe?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- HE SIGHS - The universe?
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Ooh.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Kraft?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23April said...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Andy!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- Aw!- Best couple ever. You just won 50 points.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Wait, why? We got it wrong.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Next lightning round thing.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Who is the number one Colts fan in the world?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Wait a minute.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40You set this whole thing up so I would be un-mad at you.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Well, guess what, ain't gonna work.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44You figured out April's trying to trick you.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46That's worth 100 points.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- HE LAUGHS - Wait, no.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Goodbye.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53LESLIE GIGGLES
0:12:54 > 0:12:56You were really great in that presentation today.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Oh, thanks.- I liked the stuff you said about Pawnee.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01That was really nice to hear.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05You know, Pawnee is a really special town. I, er, love living there.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08And, um...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10And I look forward to the moments in my day
0:13:10 > 0:13:14where I... Where I get to hang out with the town
0:13:14 > 0:13:17and talk to the town about stuff.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19And the town has really nice blonde hair, too,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22and has read a shocking number of political biographies
0:13:22 > 0:13:24for a town, which I like.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- Oh, God.- I'm sorry.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28And I know we can get into trouble,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30but I-I-I can't take this any more,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33and I feel like we have to at least talk about it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I mean, it's not just me, right?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38No, it's not just you.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Oh, God.- What? Are you... - Ugh.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- Are you all right?- Perfect. I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54The whiz palace, as I like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Ann, we have a serious code Ben.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Well, it's not really code if you say his name.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59He told me that he liked me.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03And I'm gonna go make out with him right now, on his face.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- That's awesome! - No, no, read me the script.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- 'Seriously?'- Yes!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11All right. "Leslie, it's Leslie Knope from the Parks Department
0:14:11 > 0:14:14' "speaking to you through Ann Perkins, friend and beautiful nurse." '
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Thank you.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"Do not do anything with Ben.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21"Be responsible, no matter how cute his mouth is. Your job is on the line!"
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Shut up, Ann!- You wrote that.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24No, you... then Leslie...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Leslie, you don't know what you're talking about.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I care about him very much,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30and I've had 2½ glasses of red wine,
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- and what that means is I'm gonna go make out with him right now, and it's gonna be awesome.- Yay!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36No, you're supposed to talk me out of this.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38No. Don't. Stop.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Shut up, Ann, I'm doing it anyway. - 'Yay!'
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Leslie!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49When Ben told me that you had won the bid,
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I was wildly ecstatic,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53and I had to come up here and celebrate with you.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55There is literally nothing in this world that you cannot do.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58So, what's the plan now? Should we take a long walk?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- HE GASPS - Mini-golf.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I'll probably... Do you... shouldn't we just go back to Pawnee?
0:15:03 > 0:15:04- Yeah.- Nonsense.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06There's no reason to drive all the way back home.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I've got a perfectly good condo right here in the city.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Oh, we couldn't put you out like that.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Double nonsense. I would love to have you stay with me.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Leslie, you can take the guest room,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17and, Ben, you HAVE to sleep on my couch.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20It is literally the comfiest couch you've ever been on.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- This is weird. - SHE LAUGHS
0:15:27 > 0:15:28We're on Chris's couch.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Yup, we are, and I'm wearing his clothes.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33SHE CHUCKLES
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- Er, well...- Well...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Sorry, I keep myself very well hydrated,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43and my bladder is the size of a thimble.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I urinate roughly 12 times a night.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- I think I might go to bed, too, actually.- Oh, yeah?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55OK. Um, well, look...
0:15:55 > 0:15:56TOILET FLUSHES
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Good job, again, today. It was...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- You too.- Really?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Yeah.- Well, that was quick and to the point.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Here's a tip.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07The key to a healthy urethra... radishes.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Good, I'm gonna go to bed.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- Good night.- Good night.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Well, now I'm up. You wanna boggle?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Are you Ron Swanson?- I am.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19OK, what exactly did you teach my daughter?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Oh, you must be Mrs Berkus.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Lauren was supposed to do a paper on why government matters.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26This is what she wrote.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28"It doesn't."
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- HE LAUGHS - Well said.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Is this a joke?- No, ma'am.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I legitimately believe that. I'm a libertarian.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Oh, that's nice. Well, she is a fourth grader.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38And fourth graders aren't supposed to have
0:16:38 > 0:16:40their heads crammed full of weird ideas.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42They're supposed to do cute reports and get gold stars.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43I'm very sorry. I was only...
0:16:43 > 0:16:47And you ate her lunch? And you gave her a land mine?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Really?
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- Well, it seemed appropriate at the time. I...- How?!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56POUNDING AT DOOR
0:16:58 > 0:17:00You know this is my house, right?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Yeah, hi. - Do you wanna come in?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- You OK?- No.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11Andy is totally mad at me right now and I don't know how to deal with him, so I thought I would ask you.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12You know, Andy and I broke up so long ago.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I don't think that I'd be the best source to...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Please.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- What happened?- He doesn't think I like Mouse Rat.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22And all I said to him was that this other band was better,
0:17:22 > 0:17:23but I don't know why he got all mad,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25because it's like an indisputable fact
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- that they're better. They're a real band.- Oh, boy. OK.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Well, Andy just wants you to be proud of him and his music,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33so this isn't really about being right.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35It's more about being supportive.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Oh, wow!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I didn't realise you were a marriage counsellor, Ann.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Sorry. - SHE SIGHS
0:17:41 > 0:17:43My instinct is to be mean to you.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I understand.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48OMG.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Leslie, I read that same article - The History Of The Ladder.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52It's utterly fascinating.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- Ben, you're gonna love this. - Really?- Do you know that the original image of a ladder
0:17:56 > 0:17:58is in a cave in Valencia, Spain,
0:17:58 > 0:17:59drawn over 10,000 years ago?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Oh, my God. How about some music?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03BANJO MUSIC
0:18:07 > 0:18:09That's amazing. What is this?
0:18:10 > 0:18:14HE SCATS
0:18:14 > 0:18:16ROCK MUSIC
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, man, I love this song.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22# The pit I was in the pit... #
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Wait a minute.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27# You were in the pit
0:18:27 > 0:18:31# We all were in the pit
0:18:31 > 0:18:33# The pit
0:18:33 > 0:18:36# I was in the pit
0:18:36 > 0:18:39# You were in the pit
0:18:39 > 0:18:44- # We all were in the pit...- #
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- What is this?- Living out my dream.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Playing a show with the greatest band ever.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54That's my guitar. You bought it back from Sewage Joe?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I actually stole it from his office,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00but whatever. He's a weirdo.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Maybe April doesn't think that we're the greatest band in the world,
0:19:05 > 0:19:09but, man, she loves me and I love her.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10So, you know, who cares?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I got the greatest wife in the world!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- Stop.- We're married!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19We're totally gonna do it later!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Oh, my God.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Well, actually, I think it's good that Chris showed up,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26cos I wasn't thinking clearly.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I love my job, Ben loves his job,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30and it's just not worth the risk.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Oh, hey.- Hey.- Chris just wanted me to drop off these receipts.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Oh, well, he's not here. He took off.- OK.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Uh-oh.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55All I'm saying is... keep an open mind for a while.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Listen to your teachers and read all the books you can.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Then when you're 18,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03you can drink, gamble and become a libertarian.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05The drinking age is 21.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I know. Another stupid government rule.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- So you'll write a new paper? - Yeah.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- Can you autograph this one for me? - Sure.