0:00:02 > 0:00:04Ron? Jack Cooper, from the controller's office. Got a second?
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Sure, what can I do you for? - Frankly, this is a little awkward.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10We've received this letter from a collection agency
0:00:10 > 0:00:13about an outstanding debt from the Pawnee Public Library.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16- It appears you have an overdue book. - Oh, do I?
0:00:16 > 0:00:20"It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis."
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Tammy.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often
0:00:26 > 0:00:28and make sure I'm doing OK.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32- And if I am, she tries to- BLEEP- everything up.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35OK, I pre-dialled 911, so all you have to do is press send.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37- You're worrying over nothing. - If she binds your hands
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and you can't reach your phone, just try to chew yourself free.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Whale tale. Whale tale.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46She's flashing a whale tale. Abort. Abort.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Hello, Tammy.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Oh. Hello, Ron.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51I didn't see you come in.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53I was just checking myself for scoliosis.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- And?- Straight as an arrow.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Just like somebody else I know.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Jerky?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Call off the dogs.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04You and I both know that, in my entire adult life,
0:01:04 > 0:01:08I have never checked a book out of the library.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Oh, my God, she's amazing.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13HE LAUGHS Ooh... Mmm.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I admit there was a time when that sort of behaviour
0:01:15 > 0:01:17would've driven me wild.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- But I'm in a healthy relationship now, Tammy.- A relationship?!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- With whom?- A lovely, intelligent,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26self-possessed paediatric surgeon named Wendy.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Sounds like a real whore.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Clear the late charges and cut the crap. Good day.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Good day, Leslie. - Good...good day.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58OK, so we're ordering them
0:01:58 > 0:02:01a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk toppings.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Sausage, onion, and peppers.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Scientifically proven to be the best toppings.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Nice. - Should we throw in some salads
0:02:07 > 0:02:09for a healthy option?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben. - Yeah, Ben,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15these guys are cops, not ballerinas. 'So we're throwing a little shindig'
0:02:15 > 0:02:17for the police department because we're asking them
0:02:17 > 0:02:20to volunteer as security during the harvest festival.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I don't know what it is about big outdoor gatherings
0:02:22 > 0:02:25that makes everyone want to urinate
0:02:25 > 0:02:29all over everything, but it does.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30And they do.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33OK, how about some calzones?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Calzones are like pizzas, but they're harder to eat.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38They're dumb and so was that idea.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Seriously? - This is embarrassing for you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Sorry to interrupt. Ron, you ready?
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Absolutely, my dear.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I am off to have a mid-morning pre-lunch
0:02:46 > 0:02:49with my lady friend, but I will be back in time for lunch.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51All right.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Oh, Ron's girlfriend's pretty.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56ANDY LAUGHS
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Tom's ex-wife.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01I don't want to see them together.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04It's like they're rubbing it in my face. All I can think about
0:03:04 > 0:03:06is Captain Moustache ploughing my ex-wife.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- And you imagine he's wearing a cape while he's ploughing her?- What?!
0:03:10 > 0:03:11No, just, Captain Moustache?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I mean, if all you can think of is Ron, you know... Maybe put him
0:03:14 > 0:03:17in some tights and a cape and then... and then it would be funny.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Now, I'm imagining a cape!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23April?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Did you call me?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26I did call you. Good ears.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28'Chris's assistant'
0:03:28 > 0:03:33went back to Indianapolis, so he's borrowing me for a few days.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Yay.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36I'd like you to get me some more post-its.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I'd like them in multiple colours. I'd like green. I'd like yellow.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Do not buy orange.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Got it. You want five million orange post-its.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- HE LAUGHS:- That's hilarious!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Oh, wait! I have a post-it for you.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- It says, "great job."- Mmm.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Great job!- Mmm.- There you go.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06They're getting really old and I'm an only child.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I'm sorry to see you go.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19I've really come to think of you as...
0:04:19 > 0:04:20a companion.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29HE CHOKES AND SPITS, THEN LAUGHS
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Canada!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35No, I don't suppose I would.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38BEN: Hey, I hate to nag, but shouldn't we be talking strategy,
0:04:38 > 0:04:42like, when to ask the chief for this huge critical favour?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Yes. I know exactly when we should do it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Post pizza, pre ice cream, between his third and fourth beer.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Full but not stuffed, tipsy but not drunk. Should be around 9:00.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52OK, so you've thought this through.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Just sit tight. I'll get you a beer.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Can I have two beers please?
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Hey, you OK?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Wendy and I are over.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04She's moving back to Canada.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05It's too bad.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I just taught her how to whittle.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11She made me this tiny sharpened stick.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Look, I'm going to tell you what I tell all my girlfriends
0:05:14 > 0:05:16when they get dumped.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Men are dogs.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Thank you, Leslie.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22That does not apply to this situation at all.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24But thank you. I appreciate it.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27This is a disaster. You're not into football?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I knew there was something wrong with you.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I knew it. I knew it, knew it, knew it.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Honestly, I haven't felt this good in years.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37And it's not just because of the supplements
0:05:37 > 0:05:39he has me taking and the soluble fibre
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and the increase in regularity. It's him.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44He's, uh, moving back to Indianapolis
0:05:44 > 0:05:46in a couple of weeks, which sucks.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51But if he asked me to move with him...I think I would.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I would like a local beer. I'd like it in a bottle.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I'd like the bottle to be cold.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57I would like a glass of white wine.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I would like it to be chardonnay.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02And I would like that with one ice cube. Thanks.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- Chief Trumple?- Hey, Knope.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08You know Ben Wyatt from the State Budget Office.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Yeah, how's it going?- Hello. - Thanks for the party. Good pizza.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Great. So, yeah, the pizza's dynamite, isn't it?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I just said it was good pizza.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18It's good. Pizza's good.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20You, uh...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24You know what I like? Calzones.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- What the hell is wrong with this guy?- It's all right.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- We'll check in with you later. - Take it easy.- Yeah, will do.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- What is wrong with you? - I was getting somewhere...
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Yeah, great small talk over there. OK, let me handle this.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- I get a little nervous with cops. - I'm in control!- TOM: What's up?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Tom Haverford's in the building. - Whoo!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Tom, what the hell are you doing?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Same thing you're doing, celebrating Pawnee's finest.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- I believe you know my date, Tammy Swanson.- Hiya, Ron.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Oh. Hiya, Ron.- Hey, Ron.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54I'm sorry. Is seeing your ex-wife on my arm making you uncomfortable?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Gee, I can't imagine why. Or can I?
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- Ooh, I like this song. Do you want to dance, Tammy?- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Ooh. Uh.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I know Tammy seems scary.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08But really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11library-book-pedalling, sex-crazed she-demon.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13SHE GIGGLES
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- I think that's enough.- Tammy.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Uh. Oh, hi, Ron.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- I was just tasting my new boyfriend, Glenn.- Tom.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22You don't know what you're mixed up in, son.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24This isn't about you. It's about me.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Typical Ron Swanson. Always thinking about yourself.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Maybe we like each other. - Yeah, maybe we do.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Ah-eey! OK.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- Let's take it easy. - Tammy, leave him out of this.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38So you can have a girlfriend, but I'm not supposed to see anybody?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Damn it, woman. Just crawl back in to the dank hole you came from
0:07:41 > 0:07:42and leave my friends alone.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- OK, let's settle down. - What seems to be the problem?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- What seems to be the problem? - Is there a problem here?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Basically what we had here was a dispute of a domestic nature.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50White male, 40, 45.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Caucasian male. Stocky build.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Approximately 5'10".
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8:55pm
0:07:56 > 0:07:58with a female unsub.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Appears to be slightly intoxicated. Claims to be an ex-spouse.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Real piece of work.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Real piece of work.- Real piece of work.- Real piece of work.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I know why you're doing this, and you're making a huge mistake.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Fight fire with fire, Leslie. He dates my ex, I date his.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Ron and Wendy aren't even dating any more.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14She's moving back to Canada.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- What?- Uh-oh. Oh, God. OK, hey. What's happening here?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Ron and I are going to get a cup of coffee and talk things out.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25It's time for Tammy and me to bury the hatchet once and for all.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Everything will be fine.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30MOANING AND GROANING
0:08:31 > 0:08:33MOANING CONTINUES
0:08:33 > 0:08:36It's been like this for hours.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- Right there. Right there. - Yeah. Yeah.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- Hey, Swanson! - BANGING
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Snap out of it!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Leslie. Congratulate us.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Ron's got one just like it on his penis.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Oh, yeah.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52What the hell happened to you?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Well...
0:08:54 > 0:08:57INDISTINCT YELLING
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Thank you.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06HE LAUGHS
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Rock'n'roll! Yeah, baby!
0:09:09 > 0:09:10- I got it!- Uh!
0:09:10 > 0:09:11You may now kiss the bride.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13WEDDING MARCH PLAYING
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- It's been kind of a crazy night. - TAMMY: Come back, come back.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27MOANING AND GROANING
0:09:27 > 0:09:29April, could you come in here a second?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32April, way to come in. Great initiative.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- You called me in.- Listen, could you please call Ann Perkins
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and tell her that I will be unable to enjoy lunch
0:09:38 > 0:09:40with her today, as I am just swamped. All day.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Copy that.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Hi, Ann. This is April.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49I'm just calling to let you know that Chris can't make lunch today.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I knew you wouldn't care. Goodbye.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55They started having sex at the court house. We had no choice.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Oh, well, I completely understand.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Chief, I need to ask you a huge favour.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Leslie.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Ron is a good man who just got caught up in something terrible.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06And I was hoping that maybe you would
0:10:06 > 0:10:09reduce his charges and release him into my custody.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13All right. But keep him away from that crazy librarian.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14I'll do my best.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17In fact, I don't want him within 500 feet of the library.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- That's good advice for all of us. - Nothing but trouble there.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Thanks a lot, bro. - Hey, stop.- Sorry.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- RON GROANS: Take me back to Tammy. - For the millionth time, no.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31That was not the favour we needed to ask for, Leslie.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33If we don't get the police for the harvest festival,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- there is no harvest festival. - I know. I'll figure it out later.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Can you turn the radio off? This is our song.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Your song is Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Ritchie?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Oh, wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your moustache.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- That's lovely. - I didn't shave it off.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52It rubbed off...from friction.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Uhh!- Uhhh!- Uhh!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Ron Swanson, this is an intervention.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59You have been spending the last 24 hours
0:10:59 > 0:11:02sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Well, the people in this room are your methadone.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06And we're here to get you clean.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Congratulations.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Holy matrimony, there's the man of the hour.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Jerry, what is this?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16That is the set of tumblers that I got from the registry.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18This is an intervention.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I thought you said on the phone it was a reception.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22OK. All right, let's begin.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I would like to address the goofy-looking,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message?
0:11:32 > 0:11:37You used to be a man. You need to get your house in order.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Look, I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you
0:11:40 > 0:11:43like my actual brother, Levondrious, who I hate.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46OK, Tom.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Ron, you look great.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52- Your skin is glowing. I've never seen you so happy.- OK, sit down.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Andy.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Ron, I do not really understand what is going on right now.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04But no matter what,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06you must keep going.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07No.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10You must stop.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I love you, buddy. Follow your dreams.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Powerful stuff.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21April? What are you doing here?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I work for your boyfriend. What are you doing here?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I came to see why Chris stood me up for lunch,
0:12:27 > 0:12:28but I think I just figured it out.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Because he doesn't like you. - No, I'm pretty sure that's not it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Actually it's because I didn't call you deliberately.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Which, if you ask me, is a fireable offence.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38So I would tell him that.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Also, he's not into you sexually.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- Mmm.- Ann Perkins!
0:12:42 > 0:12:45April Ludgate. Literally two of my favourite people on earth.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- I'm sorry that I had to cancel lunch.- Not at all.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52It's not a problem. April here was very apologetic on the phone.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- She also sent me flowers. - April. Nice touch.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01'Hello, Ron. It's Ron.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05'If you're watching this, it means that, once again,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07'you have danced with the devil.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09'Right now, you're probably thinking,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12' "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together."
0:13:12 > 0:13:14'But you're only thinking that
0:13:14 > 0:13:18'because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates
0:13:18 > 0:13:20'and lodged herself in your brain.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22'So you have two choices...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24'One, get rid of Tammy,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27'or two, lobotomy and castration.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29'Choose wisely.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30- 'You stupid- BLEEP.'
0:13:32 > 0:13:34This is a waste of time.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37You people have no idea what you're talking about.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41That was you on the tape. That was you talking.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42- TAMMY:- Ron? Ron!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Ron. Oh, there you are.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- SHE CHUCKLES - Ah!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Ron. Stop it. God, please.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Ron, don't do that. - Oh, it's done, Leslie.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Tammy and I are in love, and we're going to start a family together.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00In fact, she's ovulating.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Wow. Where are you going?- Jerry!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09We're going to spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11We bought ten cases of Gatorade
0:14:11 > 0:14:14and a 40-pound bag of peanuts for energy.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15- Oh, God.- Give me it.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20All right, OK. Excuse me.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Ann and I are headed out and I just wanted to thank you
0:14:25 > 0:14:28for everything today, and I will see you tomorrow.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29KNOCKING
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Hi, Chris.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36Uh, Ron Swanson has sent me over to deliver to you this document.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39"To whom it may concern, dear Chris,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41"there is an emergency regarding the Parks Department,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44"and April may just be the only person who can help.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48"I can't get into details, because it's super-classified.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"Please release April back to us permanently.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56"God bless America. Love, Bert Macklin, FBI."
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- What?- OK. Well, bye.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00April, listen.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03If you don't want to work for me, I'm not going to force you.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- You didn't have to do this. - She didn't do that. That...
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- Dude, I think it sounds like it was Macklin's call.- Look, I get it.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13You're young, and trying isn't cool. But I think you're smart.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I'm going to be going back to Indianapolis soon,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18and I think you should come work for me.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Wow, move all the way to Indianapolis,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23so I can pick up your vitamins and supplements.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Everybody starts somewhere.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29You'll travel, and you will meet interesting people.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Think about it.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34OK. I will.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Apparently, he wants April to move to Indianapolis with him.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41So that's something.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LOUD TAPPING
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I hope you're happy.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Look, I just wanted to show him what it felt like
0:15:48 > 0:15:50to have your ex-wife date someone you know.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Whatever happened after that is not my fault.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Yes, it is. Tom, you did a really crappy thing,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58and I think, deep down, you know that.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Whatever happens to Ron Swanson is on you.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07KNOCKING
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Excuse me, chief. Sorry to interrupt.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Hey, calzone boy, what's up?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Well, here's hoping that that nickname doesn't stick. Right?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19But that's not why I'm here.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Uh, Leslie Knope asked you for a favour the other day,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25but the real favour we need is much bigger.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27You mean, like calzone-sized?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Ah! Sure.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33We need the Pawnee police force to volunteer as security
0:16:33 > 0:16:35during the upcoming harvest festival.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- Now, the city won't let us throw the festival unless...- Say no more.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Just send me a schedule of how many officers you need and when.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Really? Just like that?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Leslie Knope gets as many favours as she needs.- Can I ask why?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Because she's the kind of a person
0:16:50 > 0:16:52who uses favours to help other people.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55And also, my buddy Dave was the crankiest bastard in the department
0:16:55 > 0:16:57till he started dating Leslie.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Huh. So she...? OK. Are they still dating or...?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05No. Moved to San Diego a year ago.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Oh. Was it a serious thing, or...?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10What do you care? You a pervert?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Nope, nope. I'm all good. Um, everything's fine. This is fine.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Don't think I won't do it. I'll wear this to work.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:21 > 0:17:22All right, one more.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Ooh, what's in here, huh?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27SHE GASPS: A new library card?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Read the name. - "Tammy Swanson Swanson."
0:17:29 > 0:17:32LAUGHTER You guys, that's amazing.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Well, you about ready to go, my love?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Yeah.- Wait, Ron! Stop!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Tom?- Jerry, what the hell?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Don't do it. She doesn't love you.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46You don't know what you're talking about. What are you doing here?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Yes, I do, OK?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51When I asked her to be my date, she cackled for a full minute
0:17:51 > 0:17:53and said, and I quote,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55"anything to make Ron miserable."
0:17:55 > 0:17:58It's not real, man. She's just messing with you.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01He's lying, Ron. Stay out of this, Glenn.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03It's Tom! And I'm not lying.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I won't let you destroy Ron. You'll just have to...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Ow! Ow! Aah!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- Oh!- He's attacking me, Ron!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Kill him! TOM GROANS
0:18:12 > 0:18:14SHE GROWLS
0:18:14 > 0:18:15TOM SCREAMS
0:18:15 > 0:18:17TAMMY LAUGHS
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- Yeah! Do your worst, Glenn! - You'll have to do better than that.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Aaaah!- Aah!
0:18:25 > 0:18:26HE MOANS
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Why are you hitting yourself, Glenn? Stop hitting yourself.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Tammy, that's enough!
0:18:31 > 0:18:32What?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Hey, baby.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36You almost had me.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41Again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenceless little man...
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Hey.- ..reminded me what kind of a monster you are.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48You're a joke! You're not even a man any more.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Oh, and by the way, last night, I faked four out of the seven.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Hmm. So did I.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Let's go, son.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Hey.- Hey. Sorry about the whole mess.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09The crisis has been averted, so let's go talk to the chief.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Oh, I already talked to him.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13They'll give us the hours we need, no problem.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- Great. What a relief.- Yeah.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Hey, are you hungry? I haven't eaten.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21You know, yeah. There's a really great calzone place
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- over in Idiotville.- Oh, really? - Down on Terrible Idea Avenue.- OK.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28That's weird, cos I thought it was on beating-a-dead-horse boulevard.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36No-one likes them. Good day, sir.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Leslie, I... you know, I...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I'm just kidding. Let's go.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Oh. HE LAUGHS WEAKLY
0:19:42 > 0:19:44OK. That was funny.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49High and tight.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Do you think it's going to leave a scar?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Tom, women like scars.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Shows you survived an attack,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57and they'll assume the attack was from a man.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Sorry, Ron, about everything.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Ah.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04To true love. May we both find it.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I'll drink to that.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Nice glasses. - Wedding present from Jerry.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- You're not going to return them? - Nah. Too much hassle.