0:00:02 > 0:00:04LOUD TYPING
0:00:05 > 0:00:08I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11An old Underwood Five with original carriage return.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13- IT DINGS - Ah.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16I took her home, polished her up,
0:00:16 > 0:00:19and bought a brand-new ribbon off of electronicbay.com.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22OK, somebody's got to do something.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24I'm getting a cluster headache.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Oh, whoa, whoa, he's leaving.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29TOM: Let's go. I'm going to throw it away.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- No, I'm not. It weighs a billion tonnes.- What is he typing anyway?
0:00:33 > 0:00:36"If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter,
0:00:36 > 0:00:37"I'll kill you."
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm going to type every word I know.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Rectangle!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46America!
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Megaphone!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Monday!
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Butthole.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16but these interviews are more important than we thought.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Harvest fest is two weeks away,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21and awareness is still pretty low.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Boy, 35%.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24It's actually 34.2%.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- ROBOTIC VOICE:- 34.2%. I am Ben, the numbers robot.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28It's just an exact, uh, calculation.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- ROBOTIC VOICE:- It is just an exact calculation.- OK.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34So we're doing a huge media blitz to publicize the Harvest Festival,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37and we've got TV, newspaper, radio,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40and I even called Oprah.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Well, I tried to call Oprah. I-I couldn't get her number.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I'm putting it out there like the secret...
0:01:46 > 0:01:49And hopefully she'll call me.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Our first interview is at 93.7 FM with Crazy Ira and the Douche.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- IMITATING DJ:- Crazy Ira and.. - ..the Douche.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58They are Pawnee's most hilarious drive-time radio guys.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01So much better than Tubby Tony and the Papaya. Am I right?
0:02:01 > 0:02:02They're seriously so funny.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Is this right? - This feels almost perfect,
0:02:05 > 0:02:09but I don't think your core has maximised elasticity.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12OK, um, I'll come back if you guys are being weird.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15No, no, no, no! You're exactly the person that I most want to talk to
0:02:15 > 0:02:16right at this moment.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- And Lunge.- Oh.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Have you given my offer any more thought?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22What exactly would happen if I said yes?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25You would work at the State House. You would coordinate
0:02:25 > 0:02:27my professional and personal schedule, and we would give you
0:02:27 > 0:02:30a small relocation fee for your move to Indianapolis.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31- SOFTLY:- Oh, that sounds boring.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- NORMAL VOICE:- But I have nothing keeping me here.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Do you have Internet in your office?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- SNAPS FINGERS - Yes.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- SNAPS FINGERS - Fine. I'll do it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42That is literally the best news that I've heard all day.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44'Unlike April,'
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I still do not know what my future holds with Chris,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50and it's starting to bum me out.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I need some more vitamin D.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Yeah.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Oh, hey, crazy. What was that meeting about?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Oh, it turns out Chris is my real Dad.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I think you're lying. I think I know what that meeting was about.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06You can't go to Indianapolis. There's got to be something
0:03:06 > 0:03:09that I can do to convince you how much I care about you.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- HE GASPS:- Tell me your least favourite things
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- you have to do every day, and I'll do them for a month.- Fine.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17If you do everything I hate for a month,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19then I might begin to think about the possibility
0:03:19 > 0:03:23of thinking about maybe staying.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27That's all I have to hear. You won't live to regret this.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Unless Andy can un-kiss Ann,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34then I'm not going to change my mind.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37But if he wants to take my dumb sister to her dumb dance class,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39then I'm not going to dumb stop him.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44'Crazy Ira and the Douche... 93.7.'
0:03:44 > 0:03:46You know why I'd never be an astronaut?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Two words - space farts.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53You can't roll down the window of the shuttle. Am I right, folks?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Houston, we have a... FARTING
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Now, what do you think about that, Neil Armstrong?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- 'That's one small...' - FARTING- '..for man.'
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- 'One giant...' - FARTING- '..for mankind.'
0:04:01 > 0:04:02LAUGHING
0:04:02 > 0:04:05All right, switching gears here now.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07We got Leslie Knope and Tom Haverfart...
0:04:07 > 0:04:09FARTING ..and, uh, Ben Wyatt,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11and they're in the hizzy to talk about
0:04:11 > 0:04:14an upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Well, the Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19and it's where fun meets awesome...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21meets agriculture.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23And it is going to be next month right here in Pawnee.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27And, spoiler alert, it's going to have the best corn maze ever.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you, Douche?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, that's right, to your mom. WOMAN MOANING
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"Crazy Ira, clean your room!"
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- There's also going to be hayrides. - "Hey, ride me"
0:04:38 > 0:04:39is what Crazy Ira's mom said.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Stop it!
0:04:41 > 0:04:42WOMAN MOANING
0:04:42 > 0:04:45TOM: China Joe, you are a poet!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46LAUGHING
0:04:46 > 0:04:48My bird is missing.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49I need a permit to post signs.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Oh, let me just look for that form.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54There's no time! He can fly!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56'Nine things April hates to do.'
0:04:56 > 0:04:59"Number one - run the permits desk for an hour."
0:04:59 > 0:05:00That's no problem.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I eat running the permits desk for an hour for breakfast.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- Ow, that's... Ow. - Henry, stop it.- Ow.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09OK, Henry. Cute kid.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Andy, got a sec?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Yeah.- Henry.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Why are you working the permits desk?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19And why was that child clubbing your nuggets?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23I'm trying to stop April from taking a job with Chris,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26so I'm doing everything she hates doing for the next month.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- That's going to work? - She said it might.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31But it's all I got, man.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Give me the list.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36I'll help you.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Oh, my God. Thank you.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You got it.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45No, I don't care about their relationship.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I just don't want to lose April.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51I would never be able to find a worse assistant.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52OK, thanks, Leslie.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55But you know what we really want to do today
0:05:55 > 0:05:58is have a chat with Ben Wyatt here.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- Come on, Ben.- No, I'm more of a behind the scenes kind of guy.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Well, it's either come with us or get in the spank chair.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06So maybe it's time for an interview.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Come on, everybody, give him a hand.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Come on over, Ben. - Oh, yeah.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15So this guy, Ben Wyatt, we're looking him up on Altavista.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19He's from some hick town - Partridge, Minnesota -
0:06:19 > 0:06:24and, when he's 18, he's elected mayor.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26PATRIOTIC MUSIC
0:06:28 > 0:06:30FARTING
0:06:30 > 0:06:33That's funny. That's funny.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35He's 18, becomes the mayor,
0:06:35 > 0:06:39and then blows the whole budget on an ice-skating rink.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40City goes bankrupt.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- EXPLOSION - You're out of there!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44What did you call it again, Ben?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- LAUGHING - What was it called? Say it.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Ice Town.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:55I was just a... I was a kid, and, um, when you...you...
0:06:55 > 0:06:59you end up getting out there and, uh...and there's a...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Oh, I really wish you guys could see this guy right now.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03He is "draunched" is sweat.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06There's...there's also going to be ponies at the Harvest Festival.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09All right, let's take a caller from Douche nation.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- All right, talk to me, caller. - 'What's up, guys?'
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- 'Just douchein' over here in Eagleton.'- Sweet!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16'Seems like 18 is pretty young for a mayor.'
0:07:16 > 0:07:19'What were you, like, 12?' LAUGHING
0:07:19 > 0:07:21The funny, um...
0:07:21 > 0:07:22When...
0:07:22 > 0:07:23I guess...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27The fortunate, um...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Can we just sort of...?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31PAC-MAN DEATH SOUND EFFECT
0:07:31 > 0:07:34'Game over, man! Game over!'
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Nice job, man! Was that your first time
0:07:35 > 0:07:37talking to other people? Cos it came off that way.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39You embarrassed me in front of the Douche.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I'm sorry, you guys. I just... I haven't had to deal with
0:07:42 > 0:07:45that mayor stuff for 17 years. I guess I'm not totally over it.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- No worries. Look, it was just a bump in the road.- OK.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Fortunately, the Leslie-mobile is an all-terrain vehicle.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52So everything involving Ben is fine.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I just need to talk to you in private
0:07:54 > 0:07:57about something different that is not Ben related.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Ben, good job.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Your boy's a nightmare! - I know, but we need him.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04If they ask us about the budget, he's our numbers guy.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Well, we should just slap Ray-Bans on a calculator,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08cos that would be way more charming.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I'll do the newspaper interview. You and Ben do Channel Four.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Perd Hapley is a big softy. It'll be a puff piece. He can do it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17'So how are you liking Pawnee?'
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Um, there are a lot of... A lot of cars.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I mean, not too many...
0:08:22 > 0:08:23trucks and stuff.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26But, uh, yeah.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Cool.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Good talk, Ice Town.- OK.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Wow. Who knew that watercress, garbanzo beans,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37and walnuts could complement each other so well?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Good dressing too, right?
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Flaxseed and agave...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43same basic ingredients as bird feed.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44HE SIGHS
0:08:44 > 0:08:48I'm just going to come right out and say it.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49I want to define your bagua.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- OK. What's that? - It's a feng shui term.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56The energy in this house is a little stale,
0:08:56 > 0:09:01but I think I could redefine your flow in a very positive way.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Great. I'm not really attached to the way this stuff is arranged
0:09:05 > 0:09:09or the stuff itself or this house even, really.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Great. Let's do it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Am I not being obvious enough?
0:09:13 > 0:09:14I feel like I'm being obvious.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16This just in.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Harvest Festival? More like Harvest "Bestival."
0:09:18 > 0:09:20The Parks Department has planted the seeds,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22and now they're harvesting the rewards.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Great, you done?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26They'll put the "fun" in funnel cake. OK, now I'm done.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Tell me about Ben Wyatt.- Sure. He works for the state government,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32and he's been coming to advise us about our budget.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Oh, come on, Leslie. The Douche blew the story wide open.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Ben Wyatt bankrupts a town and then comes to Pawnee
0:09:37 > 0:09:38to tell us how to spend our money?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42There's no story here, Shauna. He's just a dedicated civil servant
0:09:42 > 0:09:43who's doing whatever he can to make sure
0:09:43 > 0:09:47that this is the best Harvest Festival ever.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- And he's easy on the eyes too. - SHE CHUCKLES
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Um, what exactly is the nature of your relationship with him?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Strictly professional, just friends.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- So are you colleagues or friends? - We are colleagues with benefits.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04We're colleagues who benefit from the fact that we're also friends.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I'm sorry, Shauna. I think I need to go.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08But, um, thank you so much.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11And as always, everything I said is off the record. OK? Bye.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- What's the next task? - Oh, we have to write her grandmother
0:10:14 > 0:10:16a thank-you note for a birthday cheque.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19It has to be really good, too, cos it's five months late.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Never written a thank-you note before. This will be fun.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23What does she call her?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Gamma. No, Nannaw.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Or Nanna... Gizmo.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Something like that.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33This is for your Gizmo.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I think you'll find it's pretty good.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38"Dear April's grandmother."
0:10:38 > 0:10:39I said grandfather.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- Oh. Oops. OK.- "You are a beautiful and amazing woman... " Man.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47"I hope someday I can become half the woman you are." He's a man.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"Thank you for the 500." It was 5.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50"Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD."
0:10:50 > 0:10:52He is deaf.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55OK, do you want me to make those changes, or is it good?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Before we do this next interview, there's a little secret
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I want to let you in on. It's called the Haverford Schmooze.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- I was just caught off guard. I'm fine.- Three easy steps...
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Smile...
0:11:06 > 0:11:10friendly physical contact, and flattery.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Hey, Perd, is your dad Robocop? Cos your arms are guns.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- Robocop didn't have guns for arms. - Oh, my God.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- That's so not the point, you nerd. - I'm just saying.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Why are we at a mall? - I'm getting you a new suit.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22I've let this go on long enough.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- I like this suit.- You shouldn't, cos it looks like garbage.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Your suit looks more like garbage. - Oh, really?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- Yeah.- Cos Brooks Brothers Boys doesn't make garbage.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35OK, this next thing is a photography-class assignment.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Can you figure that out?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy."
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Melancholy. - Give me this. Easy.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Boom - a sad desk.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Boom - sad wall.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49It's art. Anything is anything.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Oh, right on. I'll go drop this off and pick up the mail.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Sad floor.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57It does look sad...kind of.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Sorry for stepping on you, floor.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Hey. You got Andy doing all your work for you?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Yes. But he said he wanted to do it.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I'm only doing it, because I'm getting...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Yeah, I don't care. I got something to add to your list.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Yep. There we go.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17That's the stuff.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20April really does this every day?
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Yes. Work the heel.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Andy, can I be next?- Yeah.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I've got a corn so big, you could slap butter on it.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Welcome to Ya' Heard with Perd.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I'm Perd Hapley. The story of our guests today is that
0:12:33 > 0:12:36they are from the Department of Parks and Recreation -
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Ben Wyatt and Tom Haverford.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39What up, Perd? Big fan.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44- Me too, Perd. What up?- The thing about this first question is...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I'd like to ask you about the Harvest Festival.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Perd, it's going to be amazing... Carnival rides, games.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Sweetums is even building a plus-sized roller coaster
0:12:52 > 0:12:55for some of Pawnee's obese thrill seekers.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56You must be this wide to ride.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Wow. That's going to be a pretty big roller coaster.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Yep.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Hey, guys, how'd it go?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Well, there were some sticky moments.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Let's go to the video tape!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08'Ah! Look...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10'Who hasn't had gay thoughts?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- 'Who?- You OK?- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. I mean, you know,
0:13:13 > 0:13:17'sometimes I feel like I might need glasses. ..Is there a bird in here?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20'I swear I keep seeing a bird in the studio.'
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- How did this happen? - He was fine until Perd
0:13:22 > 0:13:24started asking him about the boy-mayor stuff.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26What's wrong with you? You look psychotic.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30'I was 18 when I was elected mayor, OK? So excuse me for that.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33'Cindy Eckert had just turned me down for senior prom.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35'Do you know how that feel...? I should call her. I should.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37'I... No, I shouldn't. And I'm not going to,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39'and I'm proud of myself for that.'
0:13:39 > 0:13:42And then he talked about feeling up Cindy Eckert
0:13:42 > 0:13:44for the first time for about five minutes.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46And then the show ended...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48as did our careers and probably Harvest Fest.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Boom - sadness. That's the one.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Natalie. Hey.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57It's me, Andy.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- You're an hour and a half late. - I know. I know.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I had to massage a tonne of feet...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Super sorry.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Come on, get in. I-I need to do everything on April's list,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- or she's not going to go out with me.- You're into April?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Ah. Come on. We'll talk about it in the car.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- Hold on. I'll get my books.- OK.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17OK, great. Call me.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20That should be some damage control.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I'm having dinner with Perd Hapley. Tom, what do we have?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I've gotten calls from a dozen businesses
0:14:24 > 0:14:26thinking about pulling their sponsorships.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Sweetums might cancel the fat-coaster.- Oh, my God.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31OK, look, we need to focus. We still have the Pawnee Today interview.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Well, is it too late to cancel?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Yeah, yeah, it's too late to cancel.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Joan Callamezzo runs this town. But, Ben, don't worry about it.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- You're not going in front of the camera.- Fine with me.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van?- Yeah.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48But she's being really difficult about it.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Uh, and it's actually not my van.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Uh, I stole it from a friend of mine.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I technically shouldn't be even driving, because, er...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58my licence is crazy expired. HE CHUCKLES
0:14:58 > 0:15:02That's, er, Dwyer. D-W-Y-E-R.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Oh, dude! Come on, I got to get out of here!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Natalie, tell this guy you know me.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09SHE LAUGHS
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Joan! Oh, I thought you were
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16BOTH LAUGH
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Joan, let's make a pact, OK?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Tom, I'm already married. - Oh, that's right, to Seal.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Oh, I confused you with Heidi Klum again.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- Oh!- See you later, Joan.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- That's how it's done. - JOAN LAUGHING
0:15:30 > 0:15:31OK, five, four...
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Hello, and welcome to Pawnee Today.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I'm Joan Callamezzo.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Today's guest is Leslie Knope,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40who is here to tell us how this year's Harvest Festival
0:15:40 > 0:15:42is going to bankrupt the city.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Well, Joan, actually, there's a lot f false information flying around.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- The Harvest Festival is... - Just jumping right in. That's rude.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I just want everyone to know what an extraordinary event
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- this is going to be. - But at what cost?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57How many cities does Ben Wyatt need to destroy
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- before he's put behind bars? - Ben Wyatt has done nothing wrong.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05You know, if you want to ask him questions, let's go for it, huh?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Just ask any question about his past or present.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Just get it over with. Ben, let's get up here. Yeah, yeah, come on.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13We'll just ask him a bunch of questions, and then we'll get
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- everything cleared and out of the way. Sound good? Yeah?- Great.- Good.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Uh, let's take some calls, Joan.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Why don't you?- OK. Uh, caller, are you there?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23'Yeah, how can you justify raising taxes
0:16:23 > 0:16:26'for something that will hurt the town?'
0:16:26 > 0:16:27I...
0:16:29 > 0:16:30For...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Uh, just to add to what Ben's stammering about,
0:16:34 > 0:16:36um, we aren't going to raise taxes,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- so that's that. - SHE CHUCKLES
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Next caller.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Do you fish, April?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- No. Fish are gross.- Let me give you a piece of fishing advice.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- I said I don't... - When you have a fish on the line,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52you don't just drag it behind the boat.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54You either reel it in, or you cut him loose,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- You don't know what you're talking about.- Maybe not.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Maybe you really do hate Andy.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him
0:17:06 > 0:17:09is a really good idea. What do I know?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13MOBILE PHONE RINGS, VIBRATES
0:17:17 > 0:17:19You are going to love this.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Verosian tea really supercharges the bacteria in your colon.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Plus, it smells interesting. Waft it.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Are we actually ever going to drink it,
0:17:27 > 0:17:28or we're just going to sniff it?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I love sniffing. Don't get me wrong.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32You are hilarious.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35So you're leaving soon.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Um, back to Indianapolis briefly and then on to a town
0:17:38 > 0:17:41called Snerling, Indiana, for several months.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Never heard of it.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45It's quite small. The cows outnumber the people 40 to one.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It sounds amazing.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I like you a lot.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I love spending time with you.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54And I thoroughly enjoy you, Ann Perkins.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I just think we need to talk about what that means for us.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- I don't want to be clingy. I...- Please, it is something
0:18:01 > 0:18:04that we need to figure out, and we should do that right now.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I'm so happy you said that.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Wow, that's disgusting.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Yes, it's very hard to drink.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- 'Yeah, why should we trust this Ben Wyatt guy?'- Because I'm trusty.
0:18:19 > 0:18:25Trust me. I'm trustworthy. And I am working very hard to...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28HE SIGHS: ..make sure that this town gets back on its feet.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31There we go. OK, great. Next caller.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33'So I looked you up on Altavista, and I found out
0:18:33 > 0:18:36'that the last seven towns you've gone to ended up bankrupt.'
0:18:36 > 0:18:40OK, first of all, why does everyone in this town use Altavista?
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Is it 1997? And second, I am a budget specialist.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49I went to those towns BECAUSE they were bankrupt, and now they aren't.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51And, yeah, I screwed up when I was 18,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54but who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're 18?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Joan?- I stole my...
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- CLEARS THROAT - ..gym teacher's husband.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01So there you go.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Well, what else do you got, callers? Going once, going twi...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- Oh, here we go.- 'Yeah, hi.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11'Um, can you tell me more about the corn maze at the Harvest Festival?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12'Are dogs allowed?'
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- Hello.- Hello.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18How did it go today?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19It was super fun.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- It was?- Yeah.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Do you have a list for tomorrow?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25SHE SCOFFS
0:19:25 > 0:19:26You want to do this again tomorrow?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Yes, I do. That's the deal, right? I got to do it for a whole month
0:19:29 > 0:19:32and then, you're not going to move to Indianapolis...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- I better be the only person you kissed today.- I am...
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I'm positive that you are.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48BEN CHUCKLES 'If I thought you were serious,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50'I'd be offended, Perd, but I know we're buddies,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52'and I know you wouldn't do that to me.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54'But, no, this is a birthmark, Perd, OK?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57'This is the little scar I got when I was nine
0:19:57 > 0:19:59'and I fell off my bike, so, no, I'm not perfect!'
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- I can't look away. - It's a... It's amazing.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04OK, wait, wait, no. Here's the best part.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07'OK, uh, that's all the time we have here on Ya' Heard.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09'I'm Perd Hapley, Channel Four.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12HE SCOFFS 'More like "Turd Crapley." '
0:20:12 > 0:20:13- Yes, yes.- Yeah?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- Bravo!- Thank you very much.