0:00:02 > 0:00:04After we are given the certificate, who should speak first?
0:00:04 > 0:00:06I think it should be me and then you.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08But, if you want, it could be you and then me.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Or it could go me, you, me.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- What do you think? - How about just you?
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Thank you, Ron. Yes.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Tomorrow, the Parks and Rec Department
0:00:15 > 0:00:18is receiving a commendation at the Indiana Statehouse
0:00:18 > 0:00:20for bringing the Harvest Festival back.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22And although it's purely ceremonial,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24it's a huge deal for me to go to the Statehouse.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27I couldn't care less about the commendation.
0:00:27 > 0:00:32But Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34the best damn steakhouse in the damn state.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39June 2004.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Porterhouse, medium rare, bearnaise sauce.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44January 2000.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45They call this one "the enforcer."
0:00:45 > 0:00:47February '96.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51The steak - rib-eye. The whiskey - Lagavulin 16.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53The lady next to me - a bitch.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Specifically, my ex-wife Tammy.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59OK, this is...this is the first time I ever went there.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Oh, look at me! I'm just a kid.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23She's showing some elephant pic...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Oh, la la! Look who's fancy!
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Big night at the Snakehole Lounge.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35It's a launch party for Dennis Feinstein's new fragrance -
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Allergic-For men.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Pawnee's own Dennis Feinstein is a real up-and-comer
0:01:39 > 0:01:41in the world of microbrewed perfumes and body sprays.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44His ether-based perfume "Blackout"
0:01:44 > 0:01:48was named one Maxim's top 100 ways to trick someone into sex.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50The club opens at 6:00, event starts at 9:00.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Oh, no, no, way too late. I will be deep into my bath by then.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54LOUD GROANS
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Don't let us picture that. Ben, you gonna go?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Oh, uh, I don't think so.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Probably just gonna take it easy, but thank you.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03They always ask me to go out with them, just being polite.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I move around a lot, so the friends I make in these cities,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09they're like Facebook friends, you know?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13"Hey, Doug from Bloomington is thinking about buying a shirt."
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I mean, come on, Doug, who cares?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18OK, Tom, I want you to take Ben and make him go
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- to that antihistamine party. - It's "Allergic," and forget it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22He doesn't know anybody in town.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Come on, Tom, take him under your tiny little wing.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28He's a fully grown man, Leslie. And tonight's just not about pleasure.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I'm schmoozing Dennis Feinstein
0:02:30 > 0:02:33so I can pitch him my new cologne, "Tommy Fresh."
0:02:33 > 0:02:35OK, well, while you're doing that, I want you to picture Ben
0:02:35 > 0:02:38in his motel room, by himself with no friends, staring at the wall.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Deal.- Tom. - HE SIGHS
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- So my band's working on a new album. - Oh, yeah? What's it called?
0:02:43 > 0:02:48April Ludgate Is the Best Ever, Volume One.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- Shut up.- So, uh, what do you want to do tonight?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54We could watch TV at Burly's house or we could watch TV at your house.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Or, I mean, we could watch TV at Best Buy.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Why don't we go to Tom's thing?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01That weird cologne party thing at the Snakehole?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Oh. I kind of forgot that you need money
0:03:04 > 0:03:05when you have a girlfriend.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Eh!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08I want to treat April like a queen,
0:03:08 > 0:03:14and queens deserve flowers and massages,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17chocolate, booze,
0:03:17 > 0:03:21diamonds, rubies, emeralds, them treasure chests full of scarves,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24different kinds of lubes that warm up when you rub 'em on stuff.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I'm gonna give her all that stuff and more.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Hmm, that sounds pretty awesome. Yeah, let's do it.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- OK.- OK. - All right. Bye.- Bye.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I don't know. I guess we're dating.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39It's new. Whatever. I don't like labels.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Go away.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47- This?- That would be good.- But does it say, "Hello, general assembly,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50"I've come to Indianapolis to accept your commendation"?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51As much as any one dress could.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- Hmm.- Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57What? That lying bastard! Wait. How do you know?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I don't have any actual proof.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh, then I'm sure he's not cheating on you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04And if he is, he's a monster.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06And if he's not, you guys are great together.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07But if he is, I will kill him.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Well, we had a really good conversation
0:04:09 > 0:04:10about our relationship last week,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14and he was very reassuring that we're headed in a good direction.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- Great. - But then he got distant.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- Oh.- And when I asked to come visit him in Indianapolis,
0:04:19 > 0:04:20he was totally weird.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24- He was weird.- Look, it sounds like you're just spiralling.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27But what if I'm not? What if I'm not? What if he has a girl up there?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I think he's cheating on me.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Wow. OK. Well, luckily, I'm heading up there.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I'll invite him out to dinner and poke around a little bit.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- OK.- I mean, he's not gonna be able to keep anything from me.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41In high school, they used to call me Angela Lansbury.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43But that was because of my haircut.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Hey, champ.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- Hey, champ...ion.- Listen, you should come out tonight.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50The club's gonna be dope. Plus, I'm pretty sure
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- you have nothing else going on. - Well, that's not totally true.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55The owner of the motel I'm staying at
0:04:55 > 0:04:58said she was gonna screen Hope Floats in the lobby.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Asked me if I wanted to watch.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Yeah. You should probably get out of that.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I think she's gonna murder you. Come on down to the Snakehole.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- OK. Yeah, no, I'll... I'll stop by. Thank you.- Cool.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Hey, you mind if I ask? What are you gonna wear tonight?- Uh, you know,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I was probably just gonna stick with this.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18HE LAUGHS: Come on, seriously. What are you gonna wear?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Oh, something different, probably go home and grab something.- Cool.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27If you would be willing to just take a brief pit stop, we could see...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Indiana's second largest rocking chair.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- No.- Then maybe we should take a quick two-hour sojourn
0:05:33 > 0:05:37to Dame Gervin's Misshapen Celebrity Castle.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40It's where Madame Tussaud sends all of its failed wax figures,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- and, if you can figure out who it is, you get to take it home.- No.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45What's wrong with you, grouchy pants?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I've been fasting all day to save room for Mulligan's.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Fasting's not healthy for you, Ron. - Leslie, you need to understand,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54we are heading for the most special place on earth.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56When I'm done eating a Mulligan's meal,
0:05:56 > 0:05:58for weeks afterwards, there are flecks of meat
0:05:58 > 0:06:01in my moustache, and I refuse to clean it, because,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04every now and then, a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Oh, I forgot to say, Chris Traeger is joining us for dinner tonight.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Please tell me he's meeting us at the restaurant.- No.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- We are picking him up. - Damn it, woman!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Welcome. I am so glad you guys called.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- This is gonna be great. Come on in, come on in.- Sure.- Or we could just...
0:06:17 > 0:06:23- Wow! Look at your foyer. It's like a spa in here.- Exactly.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26The entranceway to your house sends a message about who you are.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29And the front door provides energy flow and opportunity.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- You cannot limit that.- Yeah. Ron doesn't even have a front door.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34He won't even tell me his address.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Ask him where he lives. - Where do you live?
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Why?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41So this is some kind of coat closet or something?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Ah! Wow. There's a lot of men's coats in here.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I like coats.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Could I use your bathroom really quick?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49- It's right behind you.- Great.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Oh, the toilet seat's up.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55MUSIC PLAYING
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Hey, let me get a beer and a Pawnee sunrise.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- Do you want to pay cash or start a tab?- I... It's... Uh, I-I know Tom.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Tom who?- Tom Hammen... Hammenstein. - Haverford.- Haverford.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08He's, like, my best friend.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Hey, Freddy, this guy says he knows Tom and wants a drink for free.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- You, uh, you have money to pay for those drinks?- Yes.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- No.- Make room for the paying customers, huh?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Let's go, Knope! - Just one second.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- ANN: 'Hey, what's up?' - Hey, I think you might be right.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I found a women's razor in Chris' shower
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- 'and a pink swimming cap. - Are you serious? What the hell?'
0:07:34 > 0:07:37You know, it could be nothing, but it feels like something. I don't...
0:07:37 > 0:07:39'I'm coming up there.' PHONE RECEIVER CLICKS
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- Wait. - HORN HONKS
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- All right, OK. - All right, let's go.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50Oh, my God! They...they just forgot to unlock the door, that's all.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Ron, it looks like they're closed
0:07:53 > 0:07:56for some kind of health code violation.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Aah!- Ron, stop it! Ron?
0:08:00 > 0:08:07They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I should have been here.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13What happened to the steaks that were in there when they closed?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Do you think they got eaten?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Why don't we go back to my place
0:08:17 > 0:08:19and I'll fire up the grill?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- You sure you're not expecting company or something?- No.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26What do you say, Ron? Go back to my place and make you some grub?
0:08:26 > 0:08:30It'll be just as good as it would have been here.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31- OK.- OK.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36That man is a legend. Think about all the scents he's created.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41Attack, Yearning, Thickening, Itch, Coma, Sideboob.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Dennis Feinstein, though? I don't know.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47He should probably change his name to something a little more exotic
0:08:47 > 0:08:48if he wants to make it big in perfume.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Oh, his real name is Dante Fiero, but he changed it
0:08:51 > 0:08:53to Dennis Feinstein cos that's way more exotic in Pawnee.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55OK. So what's your plan?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Wait till he's alone, then I walk up and spray him
0:08:59 > 0:09:02with Tommy Fresh, and I say, "Uh-oh.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- "Looks like you just nailed your future."- Yeah. That...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08might actually work.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Is everything OK?
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Um, it kind of sucks that I'm super broke and I want to buy you stuff
0:09:16 > 0:09:19and it's embarrassing that I can't, but...
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I'm broke too, and I don't want anything.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I just want to hang out with you.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Plus, I can get free drinks any time I want.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26How?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Uh, I'm a girl in a sleazy club.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Hey.- Hey.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- I hate drinking alone. - Can I get you a drink?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Sure. ..Triple whisky.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39What's your name?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Oprah.- I'm Kevin.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Cool. I kind of want to drink alone.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- But...- I said I want to drink alone. Thanks. Bye.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Here. You take this one.
0:09:48 > 0:09:54I will, um, get myself a Martini from that idiot.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57So, Chris, do you have any sisters?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59No, I don't, Leslie. Do you have sisters?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- No, she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting?- Any aunts?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- Nope. You have aunts? - Girl cousins?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- A youthful grandmother, perhaps? - Nope.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Did you forget how to have a conversation?
0:10:11 > 0:10:15I am so happy you guys are here. I'm gonna go fire up the grill.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- I'm gonna kill him, Ron.- Why?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Chris is cheating on Ann. There's evidence everywhere.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23She's coming up here so they can have it out.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Ask her to bring some garlic salt. I'm worried Chris doesn't have any.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30MUSIC PLAYING
0:10:30 > 0:10:32HE GASPS I got this from a waiter.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I told him I had a pork deficiency.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Sweet! Pigs in a blanket. I always wondered why they call them that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Look what I got. Look what I got from the bathroom.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Mints. Six of them.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43- Nice.- Yeah.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48OK, whoever gets the most free stuff by the end of the night wins.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Deal.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Go!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Ron, would you like some salad?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Since I am not a rabbit, no, I do not.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Try it. Salad's good for you. - You got it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Mmm, delicious.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06So, Chris, what do you do up here in your spare time?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Well, uh, I exercise, and I exercise my mind.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12And I try to keep up on current events.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Oh, that's what you call it.- Sorry? - How are things going with Ann?
0:11:15 > 0:11:16You know what's funny about Ann?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19She's my best friend, and anyone who'd hurt her
0:11:19 > 0:11:20is someone I would murder probably.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Oh, is that what's upsetting you?
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Hmm?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27This is very uncomfortable for me. I don't know what to say.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Well, Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- his powers were more spiritual. - Shut up, you nerd!- I get it. OK.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Mr Feinstein, Tom Haverford.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47I'm the organiser of this soiree and I'm also a huge fan of yours.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I use all your cologne, sometimes two at once.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I don't recommend that. Are you from the FDA?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55You know, legally, if you're from the FDA, you have to tell me.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59I wanted to talk to you, because I actually created my own scent.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Oh, great. I'd love to smell it, right?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03HE LAUGHS
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- I know you're a busy guy. - Yeah, man. I'm crazy busy!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09But all day long, people are pitching me colognes.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11That guy just pitched me a cologne called "Sluts."
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I'm gonna tell you what I told him. Not just anybody can do this.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Although it's a great name and I'll probably steal it.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Please, it'll take two seconds. If you like it,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21maybe we go into business together, branch out in other states,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23move over to watches and fancy raincoats,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25open up stores in London and Paris.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I don't know. I haven't thought it through. But for now,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31I want to present Tommy Fresh.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35HE LAUGHS
0:12:35 > 0:12:37All right, I get it.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39It's a gag scent! Hilarious!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42As in, "It's hilarious how awesome it is"?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45It smells like somebody spilled Chinese food in a bird cage.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Horrible. It's assaultive!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50It takes everything in my power to not retch right now.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Kid, you need to find another game.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Leave perfumery to the real men.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Hey, Ann, if you get this, I don't know if you should come up here.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04He's not worth it, OK? Just call me, let me know where you are,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- and if you have...- Aah!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- Ron? - What in the devil's name is this?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Portobello mushrooms.- Where's the steak?- Oh, there's no steak.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- That's a healthier option. It's organically grown.- Lord!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Ron, are you OK?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Whoa, whoa, whoa, OK. Could you get us a cold compress or something?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26MUSIC PLAYING
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Hey, uh, six beers for, uh, table 12.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Do you work here?- Yeah.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38My dad owns this place. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Hey! This round's on the house!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- All right!- Whoo!
0:13:43 > 0:13:44How about some tips?
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- Uh, gum or mint, sir?- Uh, gum. - All out, sir.- Then mints, I guess.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Don't have those either, sir.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Do you have anything? - Out of everything, sir.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56'This is so awesome!'
0:13:56 > 0:14:00'We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club'
0:14:00 > 0:14:02and we give to ourselves.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Look, we'll find a 24-hour diner.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Or we can get one of those cows that we saw on the way up here
0:14:06 > 0:14:09and we'll bring it back and we'll make steaks out of that.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10DOOR SLAMS
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Ann Perkins, what are you doing here?
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Whose pink razor is in your shower?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Excuse me? - Leslie found a pink razor
0:14:16 > 0:14:19and a pink swimming cap in your shower. Whose is it?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I guess you're talking about my razor.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I shave my legs for swimming, and women's razors work better.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25For whatever reason, men's razor technology
0:14:25 > 0:14:28hasn't figured out how to properly contour the shinbone.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30And...and the swimming cap?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Indiana breast cancer awareness triathlon 2009. Came in fourth.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Well, I found concealer in your medicine cabinet.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39What's that about?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I'm a human being. Sometimes I get blemishes. I'm not perfect.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Oh, God. I am so sorry, honey. I'm so embarrassed.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I was scared that you were cheating on me.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53HE LAUGHS No, I'm not cheating on you.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55But I'm also not dating you.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58We broke up last week.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04We talked at your house. Do you not remember this?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Of course I remember, but we didn't break up.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I'm sorry, Ann, but I'm certain we did.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10OK, you said that you didn't want to leave Pawnee
0:15:10 > 0:15:13and that I was the most amazing woman you had ever met.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- Which you are.- Then I said I would move to Indianapolis if I had to,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18and you said you didn't want to make me do that,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20and then you said that in a different world...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Oh, my God. You broke up with me.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Oh, my God.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Yeah, so here's what happened.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32and Chris is such a positive person,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34when he broke up with her, she just didn't realise it.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It's kind of understandable,
0:15:36 > 0:15:37although it does kind of make you wonder
0:15:37 > 0:15:39how good of a nurse she is.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Oh, my God. You left,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43and you said you were gonna work late, and I kissed you?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46As enjoyable as that was, I did find it odd.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47SHE EXHALES
0:15:47 > 0:15:49And then I wanted you to meet my parents?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- I'm sure they're great people, but strange.- This is humiliating.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I'm sorry, I gotta go.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Hey, w...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Hey, man.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03I, uh, got you another melontini.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Thanks.
0:16:06 > 0:16:12Listen, that guy is a jerk, and if you ask me, he smells like...
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Success.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18He smells like success.
0:16:18 > 0:16:24- You know what I smell like? - A teriyaki hairpiece?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28I smell like the guy who's always coming up short.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30And you know what? I'm just sick of it.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Tommy Fresh was my dream.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Now no-one's ever gonna smell it but me.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I can smell your dreams, Tom.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I can.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43And I can smell 'em from here.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- And honestly, they smell- BLEEPING- terrible.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50But I like Tom.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- I've got a jar of olives. - Heh! Nice.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56A thing of toothpicks that look like swords.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59And a year's supply of toilet paper.
0:16:59 > 0:17:05I got... Boom! ..38 in tips.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07180.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12BOTH: We should give it back.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Follow me.- OK.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Oh, my God.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Wow. Thank you.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31One time, when I was in high school,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39There was another time where I was on a date
0:17:39 > 0:17:41and I tripped and broke my kneecap.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43And then the guy said he wasn't "feelin' it,"
0:17:43 > 0:17:46so he left and I waited for an ambulance.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then
0:17:49 > 0:17:51he got down on one knee and begged me to never call him again.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Skywriting isn't always positive.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Another time, a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic
0:18:00 > 0:18:03with wine and flowers, and then, when I tried to sit down,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming."
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- And then he broke up with me. - BOTH LAUGH
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Who was Rebecca? - Yeah. Exactly.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Thanks for driving me.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Wait. You're getting your commendation tomorrow
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- at the Statehouse.- Oh, please. It's just a goofy ceremony.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- I don't even care about it. - Leslie.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Besides, Ron is staying behind. He'll go.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Is Ron gonna be OK?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30SHE SIGHS
0:18:30 > 0:18:31I honestly don't know.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39This isn't a steak. Why would you call it that on your menu?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I don't know what to tell you, man.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Wait, wait.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I worry what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs."
0:18:52 > 0:18:58What I said was, give me ALL the bacon and eggs you have.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Do you understand?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05It's called a tommytini.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07It's just vodka and a bunch of cinnamon.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09That sounds gross.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Ben!- Oh, Miller lite.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- How'd you know?- Everybody knows. That's your drink.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Tommy.- Let's do this.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19# You know just what I need I need that fast money
0:19:19 > 0:19:21# Fast cars, fast women...#
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Mmm!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24How's it going?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Hey, look who's socialising!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Yeah, and I'm having a good time. - Sit with us.- OK.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Ann's in kind of a crappy mood, because Chris dumped her.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Ah, yeah, like a week ago, right?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Yeah, but I only knew about it an hour ago.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Oh, so that's why you tried to kiss him.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44We were all seriously confused about that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Who's "we"? What are you...? Oh, God!
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Did you keep the toilet paper?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Yes. I feel bad, but I need it.- Ew! HE LAUGHS
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Hey, hey, that's gotta be Feinstein's car.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Give me the Tommy Fresh.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- Why?- Gimme the Tommy Fresh.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:08He's gonna smell your dreams now.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09HE LAUGHS
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- Are you OK? - HE GAGS
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- Is it that bad? - Oh, my God, it's unbelievable.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15- Oh! - HE GROANS