0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07ALARM SOUNDS Hey, hold on. Alarm!
0:00:07 > 0:00:11There you go, it's midnight. It's popping off.
0:00:11 > 0:00:16Right now is a lyrical tribute, yeah, to my Angel,
0:00:16 > 0:00:18and it is because she is turning...
0:00:20 > 0:00:22..a whole year older.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27RAPPING ON RADIO: # Turn it up, turn it up. Who's ready? Who's ready?
0:00:27 > 0:00:29- # I'm ready.- She's the one She's my number one...
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# First I had sex with her mum in the car, then she came out like "Raah!"
0:00:33 > 0:00:34# Never seen that before
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# I never seen that before, the first sight that I saw
0:00:36 > 0:00:38# I knew that, what?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# She take the gallery by storm, she take the gallery by storm, car!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44# It's her destiny-ny to be... It's her destiny-ny to be...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46# To be the first female garage MC. #
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Well, not the first... # But the first to do it properly.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53# A lyrical monopoly, lyrical legacy, it's hereditary to be what?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55# The best garage MC, car!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58# Who's your daddy-dy? Who's your daddy?
0:00:58 > 0:01:02# It's me. The...the MC.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08That was pure emotional inside.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09We're all feeling it.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Steves has even got a tear in his eye.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Yeah, man. I think it might just be from the smoke, but I would...
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Yeah, it was emotional though.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Still liked it. You still liked it.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Really enjoyed it.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Hold on.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27COUGHING
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Easy boys. You all right? Come through.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33The old birthday thing, you know what I mean? Better early, like.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- Yeah.- Easy! Ah, look at that! Look how she's holding the spoon.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37It's like a mic.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Natural instinct. Just like her dad, eh?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Got to do the old cards and that, yeah?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Yeah, got loads of cards. It's amazing.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Crack one open, see what it says.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- Happy birthday, Angel. - That's a thoughtful message.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Not even any money in it as well.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56It's pointless if they're not going to make a effort,
0:01:56 > 0:01:57you know what I mean?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Aw, don't worry, Angel. Nana sent you some money, hasn't she?- Yes.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Tell 'em how old you are today.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Five.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Big five! My little Angel's getting old.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I started getting, like, crow's feet and deep lines when I was your age,
0:02:09 > 0:02:13so you're lucky that Mummy knows how to fight the signs of ageing.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Got two-for-one manicure and eyebrow threading
0:02:16 > 0:02:18at Brentford Nails down the high street.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Just a little birthday treat for my little birthday lady.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24I've got something as well, actually. I was going to wait for him
0:02:24 > 0:02:26to get down here, yeah, before I told you
0:02:26 > 0:02:28but Decoy is actually going to be your chauffeur,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30the driver for the day, so...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32BOTH: Thanks.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Yeah, that's it cos you've got to look good
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- for your little party, ain't you? - Yeah.- Yeah? Aw!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Party being actually organised by yours truly.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44It's going to be an absolute madness, innit?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- She's going to be going mental, this little one, innit?- Aw.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Thing is with kids, yeah, it's, like, quite hard to predict
0:02:50 > 0:02:52their little life moments, like.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55That's why birthdays are good cos you can always see 'em coming and, like,
0:02:55 > 0:03:00make sure you're always there for everyone like, you know what I mean?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Not the actual birth, however.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I was just thinking, cos the actual birth is different.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07We had a whole new aerial revamp.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09We had to do the...the station up and that.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12It's bare madness and Miche understood.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Anyway, on her way to the hospital
0:03:14 > 0:03:17she ended up bumping into Decoy so he took her, it was fine,
0:03:17 > 0:03:18do you know what I mean?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20All worked out in the end.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Even took some photos.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25I did make him delete them though, cos he shouldn't really
0:03:25 > 0:03:29have been down that end in the first place cos it's a bit...
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Make sure you have a good time, yeah?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34When you get back, Daddy'll have a little party sorted for you, yeah?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Yeah.- All right, sweet. Don't be running off with them, yeah?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40'Course not, man. Do you want me to get anything?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41No, got it all sorted, mate.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Chabuds is getting this banging Polish premium vodka, like.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Yeah, but what about, like, balloons or a cake or something?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Yeah...Yes, I've got it all on here. Don't think about it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- I'm sorting it. Come on!- Yeah? All right.- Come on, guys, get out, yeah?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- All right, yeah.- See you lot later.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Sorry.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Sorry.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Ah, it's all worth it though, innit?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09See the look on her face? Ah, she's so excited.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13To me it's about giving her a memory she will never forget.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Although she probably will forget it cos she's only five and, like,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20when she gets into her drug-taking years she'll be getting wrecked
0:04:20 > 0:04:23and her memory will get wiped, so...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Still good to make an effort though.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34# Open up your gap... #
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Sorry.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Oh, no. No, I like that. I like that tune.- Yeah?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Yeah, yeah.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Even with...
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Oh, you like this one, don't you, Angel?- Yeah.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51# Girl, you gave me all your pussy
0:04:51 > 0:04:54# And you even licked my balls #
0:04:59 > 0:05:03All right, so 35 for the smoke machine, yeah?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Right, er, chuck in a couple of the strobes and I'll bump it up
0:05:06 > 0:05:09to 40, we'll call it quits, get a little drink for yourself, eh?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10'Which strobes...'
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Boss, I've got them vodkas for tonight, mate.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Straight from Poland, yeah. Fresh off the boat.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Ssh!
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Why don't you come a bit later?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I knew you were busy and that, I thought you might need...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- One second mate.- ..spare hands and that.- Just, whatever, just...
0:05:26 > 0:05:29People actually read it as Polish,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33so it's a... It's a good legal loophole that we've got going on.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36You know, the first few batches we had a few teething problems,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38you know, people losing their teeth and that.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Erm, but what we've tried to do is make it as strong as possible
0:05:42 > 0:05:48without any serious side effects or noticeable disabilities.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51People in Southall already going crazy for it.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Don't care. Don't do birthday cakes.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Get the geezer that comes in a van to pick one up on the way.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- 'We don't just...' - Can I speak to someone that's...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Oh, give me someone that's above you, yeah?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Don't touch that! Steves! Come on, mate. Huh?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Wake up, you've got your set in a minute, you mug. Hello?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Yeah, I know, I know.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Right, basically, if I'm forking out all this for the smoke machine,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I'm definitely going to need a birthday cake chucked in.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Well, I don't care if it's not Argos policy, yeah. Change it!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22That's my policy!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33There. That's the only one I could find.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Ah, thank you. Cheers.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Put that on.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- I'll tuck it in. Shall I tuck it in? - Yeah, tuck it in.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43All the way round.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46There! Hey!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49There you go.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50No you're... No, come here.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- We only really did the short ties in school.- Well...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Shirt really smells.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Don't worry about how you smell,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01just worry about looking smart, that's the most important thing.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Cos I've got a job interview today, yeah, a tie one,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06not the country.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09The suit shop, the one next to Gregg's in West Ealing.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11So Roche knows the manager there,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- so I've got an interview down there today.- Yeah, let's just say he's got a good chance.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Let's just say, yeah. I'm really looking forward to it, actually.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Yeah. It'd be nice, wouldn't it, to have a job.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Then you could start paying some bills,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26spending some more time with me and Craig.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yeah... Cos, um...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30yeah, then I can spend...
0:07:30 > 0:07:32more time with you lot and that.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34That's better.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Yeah?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38James Bond sort of shit.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Well, I hope he gets it. It'd be nice to have a bit of money, you know,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45so it wasn't all just me making all the money and...
0:07:45 > 0:07:47That'd be good.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Easy, boys.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I think it'd be good for him, I think he'd feel better.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55He'd feel a sense of achievement if HE came home with some money.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- You've got that job interview today, yeah?- Yeah.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Absolute nightmare, mate.- Yeah?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- I tell you what, do you want to do a bit of role play for the interview?- Yeah, yeah.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Yeah? OK, pull up a chair, mate. - All right, cool.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Listen, mate, you need to be sure of yourself, yeah?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09You need to be completely confident.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- From the minute you walk in the door, yeah?- Yeah.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- OK, you grab the goat by the horns, OK?- Yeah.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Don't be afraid of the goat, OK, that's your goat, OK?- Yeah.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22You are going to penetrate that goat, OK?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23This is, er...
0:08:23 > 0:08:27This is where I work, this is Quality Foods, quality and quantity.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31I haven't always worked here but, er, you know,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I'm not going to pretend this was my dream.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Er, sitting in a Portakabin
0:08:36 > 0:08:40making sure that the quality foods, er, are paid for.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- So you need to know everything about ties.- Yeah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- You need to know about what tie goes with what shirt.- Yeah.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- What's the battery life on, like, on my musical tie, yeah?- OK.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Um, how do I get these masala stains out of the tie.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53What if you don't know?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57I don't know if you can see but that screen is just that view out of that window.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I have spoken to them about it and said, "That's what I'm actually
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"looking at, I don't need to look at it on the screen,"
0:09:04 > 0:09:09but they said that's, that's the most important bit of the car park.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10- So if it's a woman...- Yeah, yeah.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- ..you use your charm. You'd be like, "All right, sexy," yeah?- OK.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- "I love what's on your face," something about their face, they love it.- Yeah.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- Or if it's a fella, if it's a geezer...- Geezer.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- You have a little bit of banter with him, OK?- Ah, lovely, yeah.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26"All right, dude, what are you up to tonight? Going down to the chippie for a pint, mate?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28"Meet some prossies tonight?"
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"Did you see the fight on Match Of The Day last night..."
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- What's that?- No, OK.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I tell you what, maybe for you it's best not to say too much,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- OK, keep it short, keep it sweet. - Mm-hm.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Always leave them wanting more.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Always leave them wanting more.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Exactly, say it again. - Always leave them wanting more.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- Leave them or lead them? - Lea..leave, leave them.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Leave, leave, you confuse me now. - Always leave them... OK.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- Always leave them wanting more. - Exactly.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Sick.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Um, so this is actually, like, a fish pedicure, which is really good
0:10:06 > 0:10:09if you have, like, dry skin or arthritis, so...
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- How are we getting on? Does it tickle, does it?- Yeah.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- Yeah?- Yeah, no, it probably won't cos I'm actually a qualified freelance nail technician, so...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Yeah, so I do a lot of these sort of therapies on Angel at home already.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- She's very used to this kind of thing.- Oh, nice.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I was actually going to get some of these fish myself for my home salon
0:10:26 > 0:10:29but the man at the pet shop wasn't sure what I meant.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Being a mum is the hardest job in the world
0:10:32 > 0:10:34and probably the most important job in the world.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36As soon as you give birth, you've got the job
0:10:36 > 0:10:40and then you need to work hard and make sure that you can keep the job.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'm trying to get him to put his feet in.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- No, he's a man, they don't do... - Daddy seems to like the fish, doesn't he?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- Shall we see if Daddy would like to get his feet done?- Yes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Nah, I mean...- He's not her daddy, he's our driver.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- I just drove down here, yeah. - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- Um, I'll just go to the car actually.- Yeah, see you in a bit.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Oh, do you know what, yeah, shove your mini Kias, up your arse, mate.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Absolute mug!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05So, boss, let me know if you need any help, yeah.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10I mean, you know, anything you can get from Argos, Chabuddy G can get you as well.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Tell you what, Chabuds, mate, have you got a smoke machine
0:11:13 > 0:11:17cos I've still got so much more on this list I still ain't got.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I ain't got a cake, balloons, party food,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23strobe light, banners, clown.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Oh, fuck! And also I ain't got Angel's birthday present.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Listen, mate, don't worry, OK? Just don't worry.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32How much money you got?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- About 70s, I reckon, around about that.- £70, yeah.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I still got to get her a present.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41It's bit of a coincidence cos, you know, I organise parties all the time.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I can give you the full party package and it includes every...
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Let me just check.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46It will include...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49OK, balloons, clown...
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Yeah, pretty much everything on there I can do for you.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54All that, what, for 70?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58All for 70, mate, OK? Party's practically my middle name, yeah.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Chaparty G.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Do you usually do it from the top, then?- Ow!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Sorry, yeah, that's how I was trained to do it, yeah. That's how I'm going to do it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Interesting, yeah. It's like a foreign technique.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14So maybe if we get a bit more, like, from below.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15That's it and take a deep breath.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Yeah, you're ready?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Good girl. PHONE RINGS
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Hi, babe. Yeah, right now?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- GRINDAH:- 'Looking for Angel's present now actually.'- Ah, OK.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- 'There's so much man, there's so much.'- Yeah, maybe, like, get her something different.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Like, she's got loads of guns now, like.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- No, I'm not getting her guns, I'm by all the girly stuff, so... - 'All right.'
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- So I was just ringing to check, so I'll speak to you in a bit, yeah? - Bye babe.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47It's mad actually, like...
0:12:47 > 0:12:51presents are a proper big deal to kids, like, these days, like.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Ah these are... These are all right, innit?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Seen that? That's sick.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Oh, she'll love this, yeah.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03CAR SQUEAKS
0:13:05 > 0:13:06That's a good piece, that is.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I shouldn't have give Chabuds all that money, actually.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16Here's one, though. A little trick of the trade if you want a discount,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18all you've got to do is give it a little...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Ah, fucker...just...
0:13:31 > 0:13:34No, good, good quality that is, actually.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Excuse me.- I'm sorry.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Oh, probably the best place cos...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43..read that, music.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45That's her main passion anyway, so...
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Wh... Ah, no wires as well.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52That is...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54That's sick. She'll love this, like.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57# As we enter, as we enter
0:13:57 > 0:13:59# Birthday thing for the one Angel. #
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I've smashed it, ain't I?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02You know, yeah.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05# Inside, inside... #
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Jokes. It's not on, so...
0:14:22 > 0:14:25They're in there, they'll call you in when they're ready.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Right, cheers, fella, thank you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31(Fuck. I think that was a girl.)
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Ah, it's all fluffy at the back.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I love these...water coolers.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Let me just...
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Perfect.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Yeah, that's looking smooth right now.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Free water here, as well, yeah.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02They ain't mucking about, they know what they're doing.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Uh!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Uh, God.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Uh, God, I'd use the...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I'd use the bloody stairs cos the lift is jammed.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36I tell you what, I haven't sweated this much since my last brush with passport control.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Grindah!- Hello, mate. - Here they are, boss.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Just wrapping up the presents.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Ah...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- Smashed it, come through, yeah? - Yeah.- All good?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Yeah, brilliant, man.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Let's see what you've got.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00- Chocolate willies?- Yeah.
0:16:00 > 0:16:06Everything's cock-related. It's my little girl's birthday party and there's cocks everywhere.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- I know, listen...- Oh, for f... - It's still all classic party stuff.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- No.- All we've got to do is disguise it a little bit, OK?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Think about it, if you change it and it doesn't look like a willy
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- you won't think twice before putting it in your mouth. - I'm not putting that in my mouth!
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I'm not putting anything like that anywhere near my mouth.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24The company is called Chabuddy's Party Package,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26which is a bit of a play on words, you know what I mean.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Er, it's mostly aimed at hen parties. I've never really done a children's party before
0:16:30 > 0:16:33but, I mean, it's the same thing really, isn't it?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- Where's the smoke machine? - I got incense, mate.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- What's incense? - It's like smoke machines
0:16:39 > 0:16:42but it has a lovely aroma attached to it, free of charge.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- So not a smoke machine?- Not exactly...- Fucked it up, great(!)
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- I've got a choice of cherry or sandalwood.- Oh, for f...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Definitely cherry.- Good choice.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Why the fuck do I want to smell of sandals?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- What's that, then?- That's one of my favourites, actually.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Oh, willies, for...- After dinner willies. They have sauce...
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Stop touching them!
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Mint, minty...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Feeling quite confident, actually.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Yeah.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Oh, vibrating.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Roche...
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"Don't... Fuck this."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Words of encouragement.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23DOOR OPENS
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Kevin Bates?- Hello, boss.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Hi, Kevin, I'm Chris, I'm a friend of Roche's. How are you doing?- Yeah, good, man. You?
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- Good, very good, thank you.- Lovely. I've just got these boys with me, I hope that's all right.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Er, yeah, Roche warned me about them - Oh, right.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37You're not Watchdog, are you?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- No, cos we're completely above board here.- Yeah.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45- Er, listen, this is really just a formality, nothing too much for you to worry about.- OK.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Regional manager's going to be sitting in.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I'm going to ask a few questions, no tests or anything like that.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Ah, yeah, fuck doing a test, mate. I've never done a test in my life.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- Um, anyway, do you want to come through?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- Have a seat.- Cheers, thank you.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Hello, I'm Kevin, nice to meet you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I'll take this off.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Whoa, Jesus that's pungent.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18So, you know what, it's all about just making use of what you've got, using your imagination, like, yeah?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21So the chocolate penis cake is now a caterpillar cake, yeah?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Chocolate willies, now bunny rabbits, yeah?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- Novelty condoms, balloons. - Disgusting.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Business is all about adapting, you know, rolling with the punches.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Um, for example, I used to have this Indian restaurant back in the day when I first started out
0:18:34 > 0:18:37but I changed it to an Italian one cos there was just too
0:18:37 > 0:18:40many Indian restaurants in the Curry Mile, so I adapted, yeah.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43So in the menu we changed a few things, we had the...
0:18:43 > 0:18:47The samosa calzone, we had the spaghetti tikka masala, yeah.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51We even renamed the chef, so Gurday became Gino
0:18:51 > 0:18:52and Mandy became Mario.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Which was quite funny cos he was a part-time plumber, as well.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Right. Well, um, thank you for coming in to see us today, Kevin.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05And thank you for having me in your wonderful establishment.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Er, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Well, my name's Kevin Bates, AKA Beats.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16I co-run a pirate radio station called Kurupt FM,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19108.9 on the dial, best believe.
0:19:19 > 0:19:25Um, we play mainly garage music and drum 'n' bass quite late in the evening,
0:19:25 > 0:19:30but not the new stuff, more old school jungle sort of stuff.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34So, yeah, I'm a DJ but I also ad lib a bit, as well,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and I run it with my partner in crime, MC Grindah.
0:19:37 > 0:19:43MUSIC
0:19:43 > 0:19:45We're keeping numbers down this year
0:19:45 > 0:19:49so just invited, like, Angel's main friends, so just, like, Beats,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Steves, Weapon X, all that lot, and, like, her nan's coming, as well.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56A lot of her school mates are quite immature and there are a few of them that
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Grindah didn't really get on with, so...
0:19:58 > 0:20:02it's better to keep them away so we don't have any trouble this year.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05(There you go.)
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Love this tune.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- (Look at this.)- Happy birthday!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Come here, ah!
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- Surprise! Do you like it? - Yeah, it smells really nice...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Ah, that's called incense, it's a new thing.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- It's actually like smoke machines but better and more fragrant. - I love the bling.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Don't touch them, they're a bit greasy, so you don't touch them either.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And don't let her touch the chocolate bunnies.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I've been surrounded by ties my whole life.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45By the age of 13, when I started at school, I really got into them,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48just sort of looking at the way people do them up,
0:20:48 > 0:20:50just wear them, and, like, yeah,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54so man does have a huge passion in ties.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Right, great, moving on.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02Um, what sort of skill sets do you have that would enable you to perform this role effectively?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Er, skill sets...
0:21:05 > 0:21:07DJ set eight till ten, so...
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Do you want me to repeat the question?- I'm going to stop you there actually, Christopher,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- cos I need to head to the toilet, if that's all right. - OK, well, actually...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19No, don't worry, I know where it is.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23(Move, move.)
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Always leave 'em wanting more. Standard.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Job done.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Sweet.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49MUSIC
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Stop. So, on Angel, yeah.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- What is it?- Lucky girl.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05MUSIC
0:22:07 > 0:22:11No, Steves... No, move it on, mate, it's not your game, it's for Angel.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Let 'em have one layer!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Oh, Mum, be nice. This is my mum, Carol.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Don't tell 'em my name. People will think we're sisters.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20You've used that once.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Keep it moving.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Keep it moving, Steves.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34Yeah, there's, like, there's good news and there's bad news.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Well, I already know the bad news cos I spoke to Chris earlier.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Yeah, I didn't really get that one.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44No, of course you didn't get it cos you fucking walked out halfway through!
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Sorry.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I absolutely smashed it with this one, yeah, come.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Come here, wait till you see this.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Whose is... Whose is that one?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Oh, it's Decoy's. Which one's yours?
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Well, nothing. It's pointless now cos Decoy's is massive. Mine's tiny compared to his.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11All right, guys, listen. Special appearance coming very soon,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14get your party hats on cos we're going to have a good time,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16all right, special performance coming quite soon.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Yes, bruv.- Decoy!
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- I'm telling Decoy about my modelling days.- Decoy doesn't give a shit about your modelling days.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Oh, shut up. I don't know why you knock around with him, I swear to God.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29God, you weren't exactly a model, you were an extra in a DFS advert.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Why have you got a massive present? - It ain't nothing big, trust me.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Of course it is, it's bigger than all the rest.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Kids love massive presents.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Mine's tiny comparing to yours.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- That's all right. - No, we've got to swap.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Bruv, no, it's cool, man, just give her yours. It ain't about size, is it?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Well, it's easy for you to say, you're Jamaican.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Don't touch the balloon, don't touch the balloon.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Oh, no, you have got to grow up!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I'm already struggling supporting Craig and fucking Debbo.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58- Who's Debbo?- Oh, he's that fucking African kid me and Craig sponsor.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Oh, yeah, he loves him to bits, though.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05To be fair you can't put a price on them things.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Hello? Am I getting through to you at all?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Yeah, sorry.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Just that clown looks proper weird, like.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Where's his shirt?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Maybe it's just like modern clown, sort of thing.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Ladies and gentlemen!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Now, the special entertainer for tonight,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Mr Throb De Niro!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31The clown.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Oh... Yay, a clown.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Never had a clown before, have you, Ange?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44So, no helicopter stuff today, all right?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Come on, then, mate, get to it.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51What do you want me to do?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54MUSIC: "I'm Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Don't do that.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17I think that part of being a mum is just being able to, like, handle whatever gets thrown at you.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Like, I've got this mug, it says on it,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22"keep calm and be a mum",
0:25:22 > 0:25:25and, like, that's, like, a slogan I just live by now.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28OK, listen, make an animal out of this or something, man.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Whatever happens, I'll always have to look after Angel,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34like, make sure she's going to school and not getting fat or anything.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37If, like, one day I do look down on her and she's getting a bit,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41like, you know, chunky or whatever, then I'll just know what to do.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Oh, my God, you could crack walnuts with those!
0:25:47 > 0:25:52No, you couldn't. Right, that's it, you're done, mate, get out, get out!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Sick. Get out.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57You're finished.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02That was good, wasn't it? Like, he was actually, like, a technically talented dancer.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Yeah, I'd like him for my birthday, Miche.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- I haven't been paid.- I don't give a fuck. Sort it out with Chabuds.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10It's a five-year-old's birthday party. She'll be scarred for life now.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13It's all right, he'll come back, he'll come back.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17You're going to open some presents? That'll be fun, wouldn't it?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Yeah? Which one do you want first?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22That one? Yeah?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I think that's the one from Daddy so maybe he should be here when you open it.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Why is it... Is it closed? Come on!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35What's...
0:26:35 > 0:26:36It's not moving.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Ah.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41It's baby shampoo.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Ah, baby shampoo from Steves.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Yeah, I couldn't think what else they really use, so...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Hello?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52You're fucking joking me.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54DISTANT SHOUTING
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Yeah.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Sweet.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59A doll's house!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Look at that!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04I love it! I mean Angel loves it.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Thanks Uncle Decoy.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08What do you say? You don't like it?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- No, I don't have to say...- OK.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Do you want to open Daddy's one? Oh, he'd love this.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I've got to call.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21No fucking signal. Have you got... Have you got a phone on ya?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23You'd see if I had it, mate.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26What about you lot? I've got to tell 'em to stop the party!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31What, you got a microphone from Daddy?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Yeah, best present.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper #
0:27:39 > 0:27:43# It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper #
0:27:43 > 0:27:48# It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper. #
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- Hello!- Press that one.- Shut up.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Conducting. Just pure conduction.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- Monday... - Is the day that we roll.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Tuesday...
0:28:01 > 0:28:03It's going straight to voice mail.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Ah, you can tell, you can just tell.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10Angel is a bit of a tomboy, like, but she's also got her girly side.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Like, half of her is me, you know, like, girly, nails, shopping,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16and then the other half of her is a bit more, like, violent,
0:28:16 > 0:28:20like stabbing stuff and, like, breaking all her toys
0:28:20 > 0:28:23and, like, shouting at me, and that's more like her Grindah side.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Have you got a screwdriver or something?
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Completely pointless, this whole thing.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Did you just fart?