0:00:03 > 0:00:05SAT-NAV: 'Please make a U-turn.'
0:00:05 > 0:00:08I don't think you know where you're going, you, love.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10You're taking me all over the bloody place.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14SAT-NAV: 'Immediately make a U-turn.'
0:00:14 > 0:00:17I can't do a U-turn, I'm in the middle of the road, love.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21SAT-NAV: 'Please turn right and make a U-turn.'
0:00:21 > 0:00:22It's not that one.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24SAT-NAV: 'The route is being calculated.'
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Where are we going?!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- Where is this now? - SAT-NAV: 'Prepare to turn right.'
0:00:31 > 0:00:34OK. I'm prepared. I'm prepared.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35I've been round here twice.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37SAT-NAV: 'Now, turn right.'
0:00:37 > 0:00:38This is ridiculous, this.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42SAT-NAV: 'Please follow the road for three quarters of a mile.'
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Yeah. I've passed these houses twice.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48That dog were a bloody puppy.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Now where are we? Absolute piss take.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54SAT-NAV: 'The route is being calculated.'
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Me and you are going to fall out.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I'll tell you that right now.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Would have been easier pulling into the garage and getting a bloody map.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02SAT-NAV: 'Now, turn right.'
0:01:02 > 0:01:03HE HONKS THE HORN
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Just wait there. Whoa! Play the game.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08SAT-NAV: 'Please make a U-turn.'
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Last chance.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14SAT-NAV: 'Please turn left.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18'At the end of the road and then immediately turn left.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21'You have reached your destination.'
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Well this is a dead end! I can't go down here.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25SAT-NAV: 'Now, go straight.'
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Argh, you're off your tits.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Right, well, if this isn't it, you can bloody walk to work.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35SAT-NAV: 'You have reached your destination.'
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Finally. This is it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43What's up? You sulking now, are you?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50DOORBELL RINGS TO TUNE OF 'SINGLE LADIES' BY BEYONCE
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Hi!- Hi there, you all right? - Did you find me all right?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Not a bother, straight to the door.- Coolio.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15I'm actually a bit nervous, I've never been in a car with a stranger
0:02:15 > 0:02:19before. Well, I know you're not a stranger, but you know what I mean.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Do you mind if I turn the radio on?
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Go for it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26TALK RADIO
0:02:31 > 0:02:32MUSIC RADIO
0:02:35 > 0:02:36I love this.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42So do you think this car share thingy's going to work?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Not if we have to listen to THIS every day.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49I love Forever FM, they play timeless hits, now and forever.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I wouldn't say Martika's Kitchen was timeless.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Well, you remembered it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59RADIO: # My desire's running Longer than a country mile
0:02:59 > 0:03:03# So true, you can Make all my wishes. #
0:03:03 > 0:03:06So why do you think they're doing this?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Doing what? - Car sharing.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Apparently it's good for the environment.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15That and the fact we haven't got enough car park spaces at work.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20# In Martika's kitchen, baby... #
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Here, stick your drink in there.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Watch yourself, it doesn't fit all cups, don't force it. Ah!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You're having a laugh! You're having a laugh!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I'm so sorry, I'm mortified, John.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I'm... It's not a good start, is it?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44No, it's not a good start, not at all.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Not at all a good start. What is it? Red Bull?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Is it Red Bull? Fennel? Sweet and sour?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54It smells of sweet and sour. What is it?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56It's just a sample.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58A sample, a sample of what?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00My urine.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04It's in my mouth! It's in my mouth!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I've got your piss in my mouth.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- I'm so sorry. - What is happening?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Why have you got a sample in that?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13That's why it's called a sample, you put it in sample pot, love,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15you don't put it in a pop bottle, with a sports top.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16I'm sorry.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I had no choice, our Kieran's taken my funnel to Basra.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Too much. Oh, my God, I stink.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26That explains the sweet and sour, doesn't it? You dirty...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I'm not dirty, thank you very much, John.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I use a funnel for hygiene reasons, so it doesn't go on my hands.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32I don't need to know that!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34It's all right for you, you can just aim.
0:04:34 > 0:04:3740 minutes I was squatting through Daybreak.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Oh, my God, I don't believe this.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Turn round, I'll go back and dry your shirt in my dryer.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42I've no time for that!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I've got an appraisal at half nine with Dave Thomson
0:04:45 > 0:04:47and I walk in stinking like a gents' piss stones.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54RADIO: 'At Clear Vista Windows,
0:04:54 > 0:04:58'we're shattering prices on our UPVC windows and doors.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02'And smashing the cost of our cosy conservatories.'
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Did you?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Did I what?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Run the world.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17RADIO: 'You have to guess who it is. This is so easy, Katie.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- 'Can you put them in the toaster - Absolutely. Here we go.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21'So then, in the toaster
0:05:21 > 0:05:24'this morning we have a major Hollywood star.'
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Nearly dry. - Aye, still stinks, though.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29It's making me hungry.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35How am I going to explain the smell?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37You could say you got mugged.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Mugged? What kind of a sick mugger throws piss on you?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47You could wear my cardi?
0:05:50 > 0:05:51I'll pass, thanks.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- RADIO:- 'Looking OK so far this morning,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00'there are a few things to mention, though.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02'On the M60 at junction 3 we have a few delays
0:06:02 > 0:06:03'because of a broken down car.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06'It is just being recovered now, so hopefully that will be sorted soon.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08'The M6, we've got roadworks there,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11'heading northbound between junction 22 and 24.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13'So a bit of a queue there. It will add about 20 minutes
0:06:13 > 0:06:16'onto your journey, particularly if you're using the M6 there.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19'And in the city, Luke Street is closed this week, so delays around
0:06:19 > 0:06:21'the Blackhurst...'
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Nearly dry. - Is it? Very good.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Are you going on holiday this year?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- No.- Did you go anywhere last year?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- No.- Year before?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- No.- Blooming heck, you don't get out much, do you?
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I've been busy working, all right?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I went away the year before, if you must know.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Where did you go?- Malta.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Oh, nice, did you go to Bugibba?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Bugibba.- BuGIbba. - Bugibba.- Bugibba.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Yes, I did.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Who did you go there with?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Erm, I went with my ex.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Do I know him?- Him?!
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Does he work at our place?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12He?! He?!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Sorry, I thought you were gay.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Gay? I'm not gay, in any sense of the word, right?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20OK. Fair enough.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Touched a nerve.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25What made you think I were gay?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Well, you're always on your own.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- 'KIN HELL! AND?!- And you live with your mum, don't you?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32No, I... No, I do not live with my mum, thank you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Well, it was Diane off non-foods, she said you were gay.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Did she? Did she indeed? Well, I'll be having bloody words with
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Diane off non-foods, casting aspersions.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Oh, don't say I said anything, it was at the Christmas party
0:07:43 > 0:07:45last year and you got up to I Am What I Am.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- AND?!- And you were dancing a bit too enthusiastically.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Mother of pearl!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53The world's gone mad, when a man can't dance to Gloria Gaynor
0:07:53 > 0:07:56without being accused of being a 'omosexual.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59A what? An 'omosexual? It's homosexual, John.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Christ, I can't even speak now.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Don't be telling Diane, she'll be telling everyone
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- I'm a big gay mute next.- All right, Freddie, keep your vest on.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Freddie?- Mercury. Sat there in your gay man's vest.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13And whose fault's that? Throwing your piss all over me.
0:08:16 > 0:08:22# Oh, I love to love But my baby just loves to dance. #
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Look at the state of this.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35There you go, it's perfect, that. Good as new.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Apart from the clearly obvious piss stain.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Say it's coffee. - Yellow coffee?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Custard?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Mustard?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Korma?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Just pull your jacket to, you won't see it.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52I did me best.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Thank you.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Apology accepted.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05So, what was she called, your ex?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11SHE! She was called Charlotte.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13That's a nice name.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Were you with her for long?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Long enough.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Did she break your heart, were you gutted?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Do you still speak to her or do we hate her now?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28I appreciate your interest, Kayleigh, but some other time, eh?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I've enough on my mind today. Covered in piss.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Understood, Jonathan.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48All we need.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Whoa, whoa, whoa. This bugs me now, look at this.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Adult crossing here. It's a kids' crossing.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59He's on his own. He's no kids.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Chancer! It shouldn't be allowed. Judas.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I must remember to pick up some Mach 3 for our Kieran.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Who is that, your boyfriend?
0:10:11 > 0:10:12No, my brother.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Oh, right, does he live with you?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Yeah, on and off.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19He's in the army, so he's always away a lot.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23I bet that's tough. Has he ever seen any action?
0:10:23 > 0:10:24I hope not, he's a chef.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I'm surprised you're not courting.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Courting?! How old are you?
0:10:32 > 0:10:33- You know what I mean.- Courting?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Seeing somebody.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37No. No, I'm not.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Don't judge me, but I've just started this online dating thing.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44I'm not judging you.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46It's just so hard to meet someone when you get to my age.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48What age is that?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51John! You don't ask a lady her age.
0:10:55 > 0:10:5836.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Yeah, it's a last resort, to be honest. Heartsearches.com
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- Oh, yeah. I've heard of them. - Oh, have you? 50 quid joining fee.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06- Bit steep, ain't it?- I know.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10I'm hoping it'll weed out a few chavs. I don't want no scrubs.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Fair enough.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17My problem is, my clock's ticking now and my eggs are already nearly
0:11:17 > 0:11:20past their use-by date, if I don't get a spurt on, they'll be whoopsed.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22All right. A bit too much information.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Women need to think about these things, John. It's all right for
0:11:25 > 0:11:29men, you can reproduce into your 80s - look at Des O'Connor.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33It's cruel. It's cruel on the woman. It's cruel on the baby.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Before long, she's going to be changing two sets of nappies. Ugh!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- I suppose.- I hate it when old people smell of wee.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Aye, but you're all right with me stinking of it, aren't you?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I said I was sorry, didn't I? Anyway, you can't even smell it now.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49The smell's gone.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50What are you doing? Give over.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- Have a bit more.- Now I smell like a brothel cat. Stop it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Cheeky fish, it's Jade Goody's Shush, this. 50 quid a bottle.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02RADIO: 'Forever FM weather. With Lancashire Scrap Metal.
0:12:02 > 0:12:08'If the outlook is rubbish, call Keith on 08081570075.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14'So, here it is, the Forever FM Golden Hour, with hits and
0:12:14 > 0:12:15'headlines from a chosen year.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18'Today, it was the year that the Poll Tax was abolished
0:12:18 > 0:12:21'and Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen, tragically
0:12:21 > 0:12:24'died of AIDS while Julia Roberts was Sleeping With The Enemy.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27'Sounds like Freddie might have been as well. It's the Golden Hour from
0:12:27 > 0:12:29'the year this band were Losing Their Religion,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31'but what is the year?'
0:12:31 > 0:12:321991.
0:12:32 > 0:12:39RADIO: # Oh life, it's bigger It's bigger than you
0:12:39 > 0:12:42# And you are not me... #
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Aw, there he is,
0:12:44 > 0:12:45the pride of Britain.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Two, four, six... He's pushing his luck, isn't he?
0:12:51 > 0:12:5320 trolleys.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Everyone knows that the maximum is 14.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57You all right, Ted?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Overworked, underpaid and no time off.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Can you manage? You've got a lot of trolleys there.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09- I got it, son.- Hiya, Ted. - Morning, my love.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Aw, I love ol' Ted.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Have you finished with my shovel?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Thursday.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Thursday, yeah. He said that last week.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Right. Have a good day.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23You too, see you in a wee while.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29In you go. This shouldn't be open.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Thank you.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44It was that black it was purple. I better go.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45I'll text you later, OK?
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- Bye-bye, bye-bye. Sorry, I didn't know you were in here.- Yeah.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- I was stood by the door. - It's all right.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Clunk, click, every trip.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Yeah.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Good day?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Lovely day.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Aw, love old Ted.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Still got my bloody shovel.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10What is it with Ted and this shovel?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- He's got my bloody good snow shovel.- It's not snowing!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15It's not the point. He's had it for ages.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Since we had that bad snow.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Why do you have a shovel?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19In case of emergencies.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23And a blanket and some rope.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Some rope?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27You never know, do you?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Well, I've got my bags for life. And some party feet.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34What?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- RADIO:- 'Hair, fashion, beauty.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41'At Cut Above Hair Salon we don't just cut your hair,
0:14:41 > 0:14:42'we make love to it.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47'Our world-class creative stylists know all the latest haircuts.'
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Did I talk too much this morning?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I was a bit nervous, were you nervous? I always talk too much
0:14:53 > 0:14:56when I'm nervous, it's a really bad habit, I just tend to waffle on
0:14:56 > 0:14:59and on because I can't stand awkward silences, I'm always
0:14:59 > 0:15:01trying to fill the gap. Anyway, it won't matter now,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03because there won't be any awkward silences
0:15:03 > 0:15:06and if there ARE any silences, they won't be awkward.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- RADIO:- 'On the roads, looking like a busy one tonight.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10'The M6 causing problems again.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12'Long delays from junction 21 for no real reason,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15'just volume of traffic.'
0:15:15 > 0:15:16How was your day?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Well, it could only get better after piss-gate.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Piss-gate? Oh, yes, and?
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Well, nobody seemed to notice the smell, thanks to Miss Jade Goody.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28And I managed to blag a fresh shirt off non-foods.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Saw your mate Diane.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31You didn't say anything, did you?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35No, I couldn't, I'm a big, gay mute, remember?
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Sorry.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- RADIO:- 'What's up, Suze? You look well depressed.- You're right, Dad.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49'I am. I just don't know which college to choose.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53'There's too many options. I think my head is going to well explode.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56'That's how I felt, until I discovered Brillington College.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58'It's really wicked, Suze.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00'It's got a good on its OFSTED report,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02'which is one below outstanding.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04'And the courses it offers are really varied,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07'from media studies to animal husbandry,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09'theatre and make-up design, to applied mathematics.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11'Perfect for someone like you.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13'It sounds rad!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16'Brillington College, where brilliance is almost our name.'
0:16:16 > 0:16:19And you listen to this everyday?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20It plays good music.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28MUSIC: C'est La Vie by B-Witched
0:16:32 > 0:16:35# I said, hey, boy Sitting in your tree
0:16:35 > 0:16:38# Mummy always wants you To come for tea
0:16:38 > 0:16:40# Don't be shy Straighten up your tie... #
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I can't Irish dance, but I can Morris dance.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I'm quite good at it, I'll show you later.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- It's my party piece. - That's your party piece?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- AS CILLA:- And I do a good Cilla Black impression.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Surprise, surprise, our John.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I'm in your car.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And we're gonna have a lorra, lorra laughs, me and you.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09And here's our Graham with a quick reminder...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- You sound like Miss Piggy. - I can do that too.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- AS MISS PIGGY:- Kermy. Kermy, baby. Kermy. Hi-yah!
0:17:16 > 0:17:20It's a belter that, I bet your parties are swinging.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I bet your New Years are swinging, aren't they?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- RADIO:- 'Hello, Doctor.- Hello, Mary
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- 'How can I help?- Oh, I don't know what's wrong with me.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36'I've been proper down in the dumps.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38'I see. Depressed? Can't be bothered?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- 'Lack of energy?- Exactly. What could it be, Doctor?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45'It's obvious, you need a brand-new shed from the Shed Surgery.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- 'A new shed, I can't afford a new shed.- You'd be surprised.'
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Mary doesn't want a shed!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53She wants a shag, not a shed.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02So how was your appraisal?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Went well, actually, they talked about moving me
0:18:04 > 0:18:05forward for a promotion.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08And they're putting me in charge of Christmas.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Oh!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12That's fantastic, well done.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14184!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16184 what?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Sleeps till Christmas. I love it.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Oh, right. Basically, it means I've got to organise the store,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23they're giving me a trial run at the busiest time of the year.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I've got to get a Christmas team together.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Me! Can I be on your team? I love Christmas.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I've not had chance to think about it, you know, I've only just been told.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I'd be perfect. You'll need someone good in promotions
0:18:35 > 0:18:37to get everyone going. That's me.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40And it'll make a nice change from handing out free Snack-a-jacks
0:18:40 > 0:18:41all day long.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I'm really excited for you.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I love Christmas, I've started doing my Christmas CD already,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- shall I bring it in tomorrow? - Not in this car.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51# Step into Christmas Step into Christmas
0:18:51 > 0:18:54# De ba da da da Da da da da da da da! #
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- What's your favourite Christmas song?- Not that one.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57# Bah, humbug But that's too strong
0:18:57 > 0:19:00# Cos that's my favourite Christmas song
0:19:00 > 0:19:02# Merry Christmas Merry Christmas. #
0:19:02 > 0:19:05All right. All right. Enough now.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09# Cos we'll be driving Home for Christmas
0:19:09 > 0:19:11# I can't wait to see those faces! #
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Seriously, don't do that. Don't do that.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14# Driving home for Christmas! #
0:19:14 > 0:19:17All right. All right. I'm driving a vehicle, all right?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19All right, Grinch! Where's your festive cheer?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20I just... I don't know.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I just can't stand people singing in my face.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- What, when you're driving? - No, any time, freaks me out.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- What? Christmas songs? - Any songs.- Why?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I don't know, it just goes through me.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Did something happen as a child?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- Erm... Don't know, can't think of anything.- How weird.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I had a bad experience once at a girlfriend's house on Christmas Eve.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Oh, God! I'll never forget that.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Why, what happened?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Her family had a piano and they all got up and started singing.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54All got round it singing carols and harmonising,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- I could have died of embarrassment. - Oh, I'd LOVE that!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I knew you'd say that, it was proper uncomfortable for me.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Why? What's wrong with you, it's Christmas Eve, for God's sake.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Cos they were all too polished.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Eyes and teeth smiling, knocked me sick, singing right in my face.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11# Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen. #
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I swear, I physically had to run out of the house.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Was that Charlotte?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20No, no, that was Anna.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- And was she before?- Yeah.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Are you courting now?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27No, I'm not courting now.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Bloody hell, you're a right nosey bitch you, aren't you?
0:20:29 > 0:20:33What?! I'm just making chitty-chat, we can't drive in silence.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I can, I used to.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Was it serious?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Where did you meet her? - Where did I meet her?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Er... I met her on a train, yeah.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I went for an open day at uni, she was on my train,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52we got chatting and then we bumped into each other later
0:20:52 > 0:20:55when they were showing us round the campus, we just hit it off.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Then we travelled back together on the train and shared a Wimpy.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Oh, that's romantic, meeting on a train. You're like Jake Gyllenhaal
0:21:02 > 0:21:04and Michelle Monaghan in Source Code.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- What?- Source Code, it's a film, it was on Film Four the other night.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Never seen it.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You need to go watch it, John. It's really good.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15He is trapped in another man's body on a train for the last few
0:21:15 > 0:21:18minutes of his life and he falls in love with her, but he keeps
0:21:18 > 0:21:20having to go back in time again and again to foil a bomber.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24We were on a sprinter to Crewe, there was none of that going on.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Shall I tell you what happened?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27No, no, I might watch it.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30It's a bit disappointing really. He died.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Oh, well, there you go. Anyway, we spent the day together.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Have you seen him in Prince of Persia?- Who?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Jake Gyllenhaal. - No, I don't know the man.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40He's gorgeous.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43He's got beautiful blue eyes, you'd know him if you saw him.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I always get him mixed up with Bradley, what's his face? Bradley?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Walsh?- No, was in the A-Team?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Mr T?- Bradley... Bradley...
0:21:52 > 0:21:55He was in the A-team, Mr T.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- Bradley...- Wiggins? - You're just being silly now.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I'm not being silly, you asked me a question about my life, then when I start telling you, you start
0:22:01 > 0:22:04going on about Bradley Gyllen-thall or whatever and his film career.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Go on, then,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08tell me what happened, did you love her, did she give you butterflies?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Erm... Well, we went out for ages, you know.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12I was fond of her.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I did have funny feelings in my stomach.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16And then I threw up on my hand in Woolworths.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Turned out to be food poisoning. - Love sick.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21No, I had a dicky half-pounder on the way home, that's what it were.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23From Wimpy.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- Did she get it?- Many times.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Oh, the food poisoning? No, she had a bean burger,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30she was a vegetarian, weren't she?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Probably still is, knowing her.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Do you still see her?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38No, not for years now, she's married. She's got two kids, I think.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Why did you split up?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- She got in uni, she met someone else. - And did you not go?- No, I never.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I used to go up and see her in halls,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49but I didn't fit in with all her student friends,
0:22:49 > 0:22:54there were all giving it ACID and that, drugs, it weren't my scene.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- Have you ever dabbled?- I was a drugs mule once.- A drugs mule?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Seriously, I smuggled 500 E's to Glasgow on a Virgin cross
0:23:01 > 0:23:03country without even knowing.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07I had no idea my ex had sewed them into my gusset.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Knob rash!- What a shithouse. That's a dangerous game to play.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Don't worry, I got my revenge, I planted cress seeds under his bed.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Why?- You've got to think long term, John.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I sewed prawns into the hem of his curtains
0:23:21 > 0:23:24while he was at work, or dealing, as we later found out.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26School caretaker, my eye.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- He was a drug dealer and you didn't suss?- No, idea!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I just thought he was popular. He paid for everything in cash,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35he was always going to the toilet, I thought he had cystitis.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36What else did you do?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I opened every ring pull on all of the beers in his fridge
0:23:39 > 0:23:41so they'd go flat.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I painted clear nail varnish on the back of his credit cards
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- so they declined. - Mind you, I don't blame you,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49if the police had searched your crotch, you'd have got sent down.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I wasn't wearing them, John, they were in my vanity case.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Still, it's bang out of order.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56And then I found out he was poking my cousin in Wrexham,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58and I don't mean on Facebook.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00What an arsehole. You're best rid of him.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I parked up outside his school, opened the car doors
0:24:02 > 0:24:04and had Alanis full blast.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- Alanis?- Morisette.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10# Cos I'm here To remind you
0:24:10 > 0:24:13# Of the mess you left When you went away
0:24:15 > 0:24:18# And are you thinking of me When you ... her? #
0:24:22 > 0:24:23I hate him.
0:24:31 > 0:24:36# Now, baby come on Don't claim that love
0:24:36 > 0:24:42# You never let me feel I should have known
0:24:42 > 0:24:45# Cos you brought nothing real
0:24:45 > 0:24:50# Come on be a man about it You won't die
0:24:50 > 0:24:57# I ain't got no more tears to cry And I can't take this no more
0:24:57 > 0:25:01# You know I gotta let it go
0:25:01 > 0:25:03# And you know
0:25:03 > 0:25:07# I'm outta love Set me free
0:25:07 > 0:25:11# And let me out this misery
0:25:11 > 0:25:16# Just show me the way To get my life again
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# Cos you can't handle me... #
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I had an e-mail from HR. Hey, are you listening?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- What?- I had an e-mail from HR this afternoon,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I see the car share scheme seems to have been a success.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Oh, yeah. I heard.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32They said you can change your buddy if you're not happy.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Right. Right.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37How about you?
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- What?- Car sharing. What do you feel about it?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42How do YOU feel about it?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Yeah, it's good, yeah. Do you want to try a new buddy?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Oh, right.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55I suppose it makes sense to mix it up a bit, share with new people.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Yeah. I guess.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Are you going to ask for a new buddy?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Well, I want to keep my parking space.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Oh, right. Yeah.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Anyway, if you're going to be sharing with someone else...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Me? No, I'm happy sharing with you.
0:26:15 > 0:26:21Oh, right, yeah. I am. I mean, me too.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Good.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33'Forever FM.'
0:26:41 > 0:26:44OK, here we are, home sweet home.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Got my romantic meal for one again.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Oh, yeah? What are you on?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Good For You Chicken Korma. Might throw a few chips on with it.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Oh, yeah?- What about you?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Er... I've defrosted a lamb stew.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Oh, get you, Ainsley.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I try.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05You up to anything nice?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Nah, check my planner, I've got a couple of Brian Coxes need watching.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Well, maybe you could have a little think about your Christmas team
0:27:14 > 0:27:16and all the fun we're going to have.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19WE? I haven't even had chance to think about it,
0:27:19 > 0:27:20let alone get a team together.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I know, but if you don't pick me
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I'll tell everyone you've asked me to wee on you.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Get out of my car, you piss-throwing psycho. Go on, off.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31See you in the morning, you big, gay mute.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Hey! I am what I am!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Happy Christmas.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44# Every single day every single day That I'm without you
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# Hurts a little bit Hurts a little bit
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# Just a little bit more
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# Just a little more Just a little more
0:27:52 > 0:27:56# Than I've ever been hurt before
0:27:58 > 0:28:03# Every single day, every single day That I'm without you
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Hurts a little bit Hurts a little bit
0:28:06 > 0:28:10# Just a little bit more. #