0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07MUSIC: Birdhouse In Your Soul by They Might Be Giants
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# ..Who watches over you?
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Make a little birdhouse in your soul
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Not to put too fine a point on it
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Make a little birdhouse in your soul... #
0:00:20 > 0:00:22What were these called?
0:00:22 > 0:00:23Hold on...
0:00:24 > 0:00:25They Might Be Giants.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26They Might Be Giants!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29I thought this was the Muppets.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- Really?- No, seriously.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- Thick as pig shit. - John!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
0:00:36 > 0:00:38# Who watches over you?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Make a little birdhouse in your soul
0:00:41 > 0:00:43# Not to put too fine a point on it
0:00:43 > 0:00:45# Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
0:00:45 > 0:00:49# Make a little birdhouse in your soul
0:00:49 > 0:00:51# While you're at... Light switch!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54# Who watches over... # You go the fast bit, and I'll...
0:00:54 > 0:00:56# ..in your soul
0:00:56 > 0:00:57# Not to put too fine a point on it
0:00:57 > 0:01:00# Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# Make a little birdhouse in your soul. #
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- RADIO:- 'They Might Be Giants on Forever FM, playing timeless hits
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- 'now and forever. Right...' - Belter!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11'Now for Who's In The Toaster?, our legendary breakfast quiz.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13'We've put a famous celebrity in the toaster,
0:01:13 > 0:01:14'you have to guess who it is.'
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Did you pick your mum up last night?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Oh, what a fiasco that were! Plane was delayed for two hours,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21and after all that I was at the wrong terminal.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24We didn't get to hers until 11 o'clock, and then I had to go
0:01:24 > 0:01:27back out to the Co-op Late shop because I'd not got her any bits in.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Bits?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31You know, bread and milk and stuff.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Anyway, looks well - I spend all me day in a supermarket
0:01:33 > 0:01:36and then I'm in Co-op Late shop at midnight buying bloody bits.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Why didn't you just pick them up in work?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Cos I've not got the time,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I had to pick her up from airport, didn't I?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Why didn't your Paul just go and get her?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Cos our Sophie were getting a badge from Beavers or something.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Oh, I used to love Beavers.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Anyway, how was your make-up party?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Virgin Vie?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54It's next Monday, I got my weeks wrong.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I just went dogging instead.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- Come again?- Eh?- What?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Virgin Vie, it's next Monday.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Bugger the Virgin Vie, you went dogging?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Yeah, went with Ken, me neighbour.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06There was nothing on telly so we just went up the back field.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07- Dogging?- Yeah.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09As in...dogging?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- Yeah, dogging. - Well...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, you've opened my eyes.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- What do you mean? - You went dogging?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Yes!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19And who's this Ken fella?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Ken, me next door neighbour.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23He's in his 80s now, but he's very active.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Sounds like it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Beautiful blue eyes.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28I mean, that's the glaucoma.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I have to link him through the woods.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Bet you do.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Dirty old bastard.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35What?! What's your problem?
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Nowt.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It is a shame for him though,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42he usually takes Maggie, but she's on her last legs.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- Who's Maggie?- His cocker.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46A cocker?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- Spaniel.- A dog?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Well, what else?
0:02:50 > 0:02:51So dogging is with a dog?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Are you slow, John?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Of course dogging's with a dog, what else would dogging be?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59So you didn't have sex outdoors with people watching?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Are you out of your...? What?!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Why are you asking that?!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Sex? Ugh...
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- You are sick, John! Sick!- Why? You said you went dogging outdoors,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- what am I supposed to think? - In the park! With my dog!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Dogging with my dog. Misty.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17So you go dog walking, you don't go dogging.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Well, it's the same thing.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22They're not the same thing! Are they hellers the same thing, they're a million miles apart!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- Where've you been living - on the moon?- Dog walkers are doggers.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I've even got a car sticker that says, "Dogging's for life, not just for Christmas".
0:03:29 > 0:03:31People are always beeping.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I bet they are. I bloody bet they are.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Dogging is people outside, usually in a car,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38having sex with bored people watching.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Ugh!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Where's the dog? - What dog?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Where's the dog in your dogging?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46I don't know! I...
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- I don't think there is a dog. - Well, why's it called dogging?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53I don't know, but I'm telling you, dogging is not walking with dogs.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55You're winding me up!
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Ask anybody.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Do you know what, I bloody well will.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Telling you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05MUSIC: Ignition (Remix) by R Kelly
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Nice to have the morning off, isn't it?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Yeah. Yeah, it is... God bless Old Ted.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- I can't believe he's gone. - I know. Madness, isn't it?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20It's so sad. Won't feel the same without seeing him in his hi-vis jacket,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23steering his trolleys round the car park.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26You know, he'd been collecting trolleys at our store since 1982?
0:04:26 > 0:04:31- That's dedication. We didn't open until 1990.- Really?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Diane off non-food's got her facts wrong.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Nothing new there, then.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38He's from Nigeria, you know.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Oh, was he? - Straight up, youngest of 12.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Aw.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Came over here in the '60s, apparently.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- He were a champion trampolinist. - Was he?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Trampolinist? Trampo...
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Trampo...lina? What do they call it? - Trampoliner?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Trampoliner?- I think that's if you're a woman.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56I don't know.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Yeah, he'd bounce for hours.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00World-class.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Remember he had that fundraiser in the car park for Help The Heroes..
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- I don't remember that. - You do.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- He put us all to shame. - He was fit for his age.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Aye, he were, yeah.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12He'd give your neighbour Ken a run for his money.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- Bloody dogging, indeed. - You're wrong.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- I'm telling you. - You're wrong.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I'm so right.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24MUSIC: Turn Back The Clock by Johnny Hates Jazz
0:05:28 > 0:05:31See, Ted was too energetic for his own good. That were his problem.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I still can't believe he tried to snake 26 trolleys,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- everyone knows the maximum's 20! - Well, you said that.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- I've always said that.- Yeah.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Pushed his luck.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Mind of their own when there's that many.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Poor old Ted. - It's a bloody tragedy.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Awful.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50He's still got my shovel.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Just forget it.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Bloody good snow shovel, that.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56You won't be saying that if we get snowed in.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Well, it's the middle of summer.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Wonder what the etiquette is, asking a widow for a snow shovel back?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04You are joking me.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I'm just saying...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Wonder what song he'll have?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- When?- Old Ted at the crematorium, as his send-off?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Jump Around?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Don't.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Don't!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Poor Ted. - World-class trampolinist.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37What are you going to have at your funeral?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Bit of a morbid question.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Er...thinking.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46This.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50SHE LAUGHS
0:06:50 > 0:06:52I don't know!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Don't tell me you've not thought about this?
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- Have I balls! Why would I think about that? I'm 39.- And?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- He could come at any time, John. - Who? Who could come?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- The Grim Reaper. - Oh, well. Bollocks to him.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Anyway, I'll be dead by then so it won't matter what they play.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Of course it matters, you want a good send-off, don't you?
0:07:11 > 0:07:12I don't know.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Owt mellow. Something by Kenny G or...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- Enya. - Ugh, Enya?
0:07:18 > 0:07:19I love a bit of Enya.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Hot bath, some candles...
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- We had a girl at our school called Sarah Way...- ..bit of Enya.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26..we used to sing Enya to her.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29# Sarah Way, Sarah Way, Sarah Way. #
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh - Sail Away, Sarah Way...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33She's a desk sergeant now, in the police.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I love that Sarah Way song.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Orinoco Flow, that. '88.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40First number one, that, only number one.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Too jolly for a funeral, that.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- You need summat much slower. - It's your funeral.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48You've got me thinking now.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Hmm.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Do you want to know what I'd have?
0:07:54 > 0:07:55What would you have?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Well...
0:07:58 > 0:08:02..for my entrance song, I'm going to have the instrumental version
0:08:02 > 0:08:05to My Heart Will Go On, off the Titanic soundtrack.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Proper weepy. And it's really good to slow walk in to.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- Get the whole audience wailing... - Congregation.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- Yep. They'll all be... - A bit of respect.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17They'll all be crying their eyes out at this, proper emotional!
0:08:17 > 0:08:21I fancy having a few poems in there, somewhere.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I have always fancied someone reading out the words to S-Club 7, Reach.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Reach for the stars? That's a bit chipper for a funeral, isn't it?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32They won't be singing it, just reading the words out.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35"When the world leaves you feeling blue
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"You can count on me I will be there for you."
0:08:38 > 0:08:40How? You're dead.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Well, I'll be speaking to everyone from heaven.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45"When it seems all your hopes and dreams
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"Are a million miles away
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"I will re-assure you."
0:08:49 > 0:08:51What are you on about?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"Reach for the stars Climb every mountain higher
0:08:54 > 0:08:58"Reach for the stars Follow your heart's desire
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"Reach for the stars
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"And when that rainbow's shining over you
0:09:03 > 0:09:06"That's when all your dreams will come true."
0:09:06 > 0:09:07And I'm the rainbow.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11So, whenever anyone sees a rainbow, they'll be thinking of me.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I'm feeling emotional.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20That is hardcore, Kayleigh.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- You've really given this some thought, haven't you?- I have.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25You've got to.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30I've also asked me Auntie Annie to play White Flag on the clarinet.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31- Dido?- Of course.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Then, for the finale... - There's more?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Oh, yes.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40They're going to play my favourite song.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Take That, Never Forget.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48See what I'm doing? See what I'm doing?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51So, it's just going to play as the curtains shut.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- I take it you're being cremated? - Oh, yeah.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I don't want to wake up dead. Scratching on the lid.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00So Take That's coming on, curtains are shut.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03All the trumpets at the beginning, dead dramatic.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05It's coming to the chorus,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07and everyone's going to be, like, nodding
0:10:07 > 0:10:10and they'll be crying but it'll be like a happy, smiley, cry-ey...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Cry-ey? - You know what I mean.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16And I wouldn't even object if a few people start doing the whole
0:10:16 > 0:10:18# Neeeever...forget... #
0:10:18 > 0:10:20You're actually looking forward to your funeral.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Well, It should be a celebration.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Why don't you go the whole hog and have a conga?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26That's just ridiculous.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29'..famous around the world for his martial arts films,
0:10:29 > 0:10:30'we were after Pat Moriarty!
0:10:30 > 0:10:35'The actor who played Mr Miyagi, of course, in the Karate Kid films...'
0:10:35 > 0:10:37MUSIC: Ordinary World by Duran Duran
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Me dad wanted Three Steps To Heaven, Eddie Cochran, when he died.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45They brought his coffin into church...
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Your dad's dead?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Yeah.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51But you talk about him all the time.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53When did he die?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Just before Christmas.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Sorry. I never knew.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00I were off work for a month. You signed my sympathy card.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Oh, yeah.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Yeah, I remember now.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08It must have been an awful time.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10It was all right. He'd been ill for ages.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Why do people always say it's all right when...
0:11:14 > 0:11:15it isn't all right?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20He'd been ill for ages, but it was still shit when it happened.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22What was he ill with?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Everything.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28You know what I hated?
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Organising stuff.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32The responsibility, and...
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I organised my grandma's funeral through work when she died.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39I couldn't believe they did funerals. They do everything now.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Yeah, Cath Hilton sorted it all out for us.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Me mum got the reward points.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44She got herself a new sun lounger.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Every cloud.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Sorry, go on. You were talking about your dad.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It's all right.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57The world just doesn't stop turning cos somebody dies, love.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I know you might want it to, but it doesn't.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Give over, will you?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Bloody dogging!- Wrong!
0:12:06 > 0:12:07I'm not wrong.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Go on, tell me about your dad's song.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Yeah. He said he wanted Three Steps To Heaven, Eddie Cochran,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14when we carried him into the church,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16so I gave it to them on a CD.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Double CD, I'd just bought it him for Christmas.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Hits Of The '60s.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I labelled it up for them to play,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25and as we came marching in through the door, they played Dizzy.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Rascal?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28No - Dizzy, Tommy Roe.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29I don't know it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34You do. # Dizzy, my head is spinning
0:12:34 > 0:12:35# Like a whirlpool... #
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Put the wrong disc on.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39It was track nine, disc two. Arseholes.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- What did you do?- We all had to shuffle back out with the coffin.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Moment was ruined. - That's awful!- I know,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49couldn't have picked a happier song.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52'..point nine magnitude quake hit just after 4am,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55'its epicentre is believed to be around the Carlisle area,
0:12:55 > 0:12:59'but it was reported across Cumbria, Lancashire, and even as far away
0:12:59 > 0:13:01'as South Cheshire. Forever FM news...'
0:13:01 > 0:13:03This is all a bit much, isn't it?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Having a funeral service in a supermarket.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I think it's nice.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10He'd have loved all this.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- Should be in work. - I wish we'd gone the crematorium now.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I can't, I've too much to do, they've got me working
0:13:17 > 0:13:20on a new trolley safety policy now, after what happened last week.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Should've got a pound to split them trolleys.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27'Golden Hour, with hits and headlines from our chosen year.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29'This morning, it's the year Tom Hanks bagged
0:13:29 > 0:13:31'his second Oscar for Forrest Gump,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35'and Scottish band Stiltskin were riding high at the top of the charts
0:13:35 > 0:13:37'with this rock classic. But what was the year?'
0:13:37 > 0:13:391994.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41That's clever.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49So who's going to be collecting trolleys now then?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Barbara Bask's eldest lad.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54He's home from uni for the summer.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Well, whoever he is, he'll never replace Old Ted.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02'The Forever FM Golden Hour.'
0:14:02 > 0:14:05MUSIC: Inside by Stiltskin
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Oooh.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Then again...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14He's shot up, hasn't he?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Hasn't he just?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Right, come on. Work.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- HE TURNS OFF RADIO OK.- Come on!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Goodnight, ladies.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Who you looking for? - No-one.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57That bleach heavy, is it?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I don't know what you're talking about.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I'll get rid of this then.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Bloody bleach, you must think I'm daft.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18That's who you were looking for.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- What? - Him! Ted's replacement.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25MUSIC: All Rise by Blue
0:15:25 > 0:15:26That's outrageous!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Where's his tie?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33It's too hot to be wearing a tie, John.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Oh, aye? I bet he'd like an older woman.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39What are they called...cougars.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- I don't what you're papping on about, John.- I bet you don't.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46I am a cougar.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Rarr!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53'It is Forever FM with a Big Drive Home.'
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Did you see they had to remove all the flowers from the scene
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- of Ted's accident in the car park? - Yeah.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- People kept taking them to the check-outs trying to buy them!- I know.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08What idiot picks up a wreath that clearly spells the name Ted
0:16:08 > 0:16:09and thinks it's on sale?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Well, you say that,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14but Joyce Chung on checkouts rang through for a price check.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- You're joking. - Nobody could find the price,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- so they put it through as cress.- Cress?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Nuts!
0:16:29 > 0:16:33'A Bambers' Sausage is a sausage the whole family can enjoy.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35'Made with all our own natural ingredients.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38'So you know exactly what you're getting.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41'Give your mouth a treat, try some of Ken's meat.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- 'Ken Bambers...' - That's just out-and-out porn.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47'..the home of the Old English Sausage.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49'Always and forever,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52'this is the station with the timeless hits.'
0:16:52 > 0:16:55'Timeless hits. Forever FM.'
0:16:55 > 0:16:57MUSIC: True Colours by Cyndi Lauper
0:17:02 > 0:17:06# You with the sad eyes
0:17:06 > 0:17:10# Don't be discouraged Oh, I realise
0:17:10 > 0:17:14# It's hard to take courage
0:17:14 > 0:17:16# In a world full of people
0:17:16 > 0:17:19# You can lose sight of it all
0:17:19 > 0:17:21# And the darkness inside you
0:17:21 > 0:17:24# Can make you feel so small
0:17:24 > 0:17:28# But I see your true colours
0:17:28 > 0:17:30# Shining through
0:17:30 > 0:17:33# I see your true colours
0:17:33 > 0:17:36# And that's why I love you
0:17:36 > 0:17:41# So don't be afraid to let them show
0:17:41 > 0:17:44# Your true colours
0:17:44 > 0:17:50# True colours are beautiful
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# Like a rainbow. #
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- You're quiet for a change. Oi!- Hmm?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I say, you're quiet for a change.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Just thinking...
0:18:09 > 0:18:10About what?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12About Old Ted.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- Not new Ted?- No.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Old Ted.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Been thinking about it all day. Do you think he was happy?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Happy in what way?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25With his life, at the end?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You mean right at the end?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- When the trolleys went... - No, I mean with his life!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Who knows?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35He seemed happy, he had everything, you know...
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Good job, lovely wife.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- My snow shovel... - John.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43I'd only used it twice. It still had its tag on.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Anyway...we'll never know will we?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49He seemed happy, but who knows what goes though people's minds?
0:18:49 > 0:18:50He was happy that day
0:18:50 > 0:18:53when he was bouncing on that trampoline for Help The Heroes.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Yeah, but you said he had everything you need to be happy.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Yeah, and your point is what?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Well, are you happy?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Are YOU happy? Cos you're acting weird.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I mean, I love me job, but do you ever fancy
0:19:05 > 0:19:07chucking it all in and going backpacking?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Are you on glue?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I'm being serious!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- I don't need this on a Tuesday. - John...
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- What? - Do you not?- Do I not what?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Fancy just getting away from it all?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- Why, are you offering?- No.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26I'm asking you because you said Ted had everything he needed to be happy.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29A good job, a lovely wife...
0:19:31 > 0:19:32I haven't got anybody.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I've got an amazing family, I've got great friends,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I go out and have a laugh and that, but all I've ever wanted
0:19:39 > 0:19:42is just to meet the man of me dreams and have babies.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Yeah, but that's why you're trying to find someone.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Giving this online dating a whirl.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51That's a good thing, yeah?
0:19:53 > 0:19:54But when?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Look, if it's meant to be, it'll be.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59What about you? You can't be happy on your own.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Jesus. Well, I were until you pointed it out.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Sorry.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I've always been happy on me own.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09But you must get lonely.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Never. Honestly.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Not everybody needs somebody to be with, you know.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I do.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Happiness, for me, is about enjoying the odd good time
0:20:19 > 0:20:22rather than expecting one constant party in life.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Accept your limitations and you can't go wrong, that's my advice.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29That can't be right.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Works for me.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35But you must want a bit of love in your life?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Look, women come and women go.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44# And when the rain washes you clean, you'll know. #
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- Kind of.- I love The Corrs. You never hear from them now, do you?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51The Corrs? Wash your mouth out! That's Fleetwood Mac.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53What? Dream's The Corrs that!
0:20:53 > 0:20:58They covered it, badly I might add. That were Fleetwood Mac, originally.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Oh, I'd rather jack.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Bet you would.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Rumours? You ever heard Rumours?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05- What?- What?!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Rumours is one of the best albums in the whole wide world!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Never even heard of it. - Excuse me?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13You've never heard of Rumours? Oh, you'll love it.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I'll burn you a copy. Tonight.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17One of my all-time favourite albums.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Mine's Now 48.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- Now 48?! - They're all on it, all me faves...
0:21:22 > 0:21:26S-Club 7, Steps, Samantha Mumba, Shaggy!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- It wasn't me. - No. No, I'm sorry.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- You can't have a Now album as your favourite album.- Why not?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Cos you can't have a compilation.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I can have what I want, John.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I love it, reminds me of the summer I worked in River Island.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Well...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45'You're listening to the Big Big Drive Home with Andy.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48'Just reading a report out today that says more UK children have pets
0:21:48 > 0:21:51'than ever before, with apparently one in three households
0:21:51 > 0:21:55'providing a home to either a dog or a cat.'
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Did you ever have any pets when you were growing up?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Fish.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Everyone had fish. You used to win them at summer fairs.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- They don't allow that now... - I know, that's wrong, though, cos they're always half dead.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Bounce a ping pong ball into a jar and win a goldfish.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11My grandad cooked our fish.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14We went to Pwllheli and he left it on the thermostat and boiled the frigger.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Did you have any other pets?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Erm... Had a dog.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22What happened to it?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Some other dogs attacked it. It were awful.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27One of the dogs...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29(bit its dick off...)
0:22:29 > 0:22:31WHAT?!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Well, I looked down and it only had half a dick.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36That's like a sex attack!
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Awful. And then it looked up... at me and Paul,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42and then just...died.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45So I rang my mate Dave up, he come up,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49and we put it in a Walkers crisps box and took it to the pet cemetery.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53£8.50 it were. Or two for 15 quid.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- Lovely dog.- Did you find out who the owners were of the other dogs?
0:22:57 > 0:23:01No, bastards. But it would hump anything with a pulse.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05It would walk silhouetted across the room like that.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07To the theme from Quantum Leap.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09With its hand like that?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Its paw. I'm driving a car!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Its paws! Paws up...
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Why?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Why?!- And it were fruity, with its lipstick out.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19When it still had one.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23They're all right, pets,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26but it's just the looking after them, isn't it, really?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31How do you get on with Misty, being at work all day?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34She's a house dog. She's very lazy.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Ken nips round at lunch time.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Why, has he got a key?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Yeah.- You've given him a key to your house?- Yeah.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Why?- In emergencies!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46He nips in at lunchtime, lets her out the back.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48She has a little run round.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Sometimes, if he's going for a walk, he'll take her with him.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52You're very trusting, giving him a key.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54It's Ken, what's he going to do?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Dance around with your knickers on his head.- Ugh.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59You're bad-minded, John, that's your problem.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Leave a camera set up, you'll soon find out.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Yes, we will soon find out.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Never mind You've Been Framed, it'll be Ken Goes Dogging.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Right, pull over now.- What?
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Just pull over here, quick.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Why, what's up? Oh, come on, I was only having a laugh.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Excuse me?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Yeah, you - excuse me, have you got a minute?
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Do you know him?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- Who is he?- Hello!
0:24:22 > 0:24:26You're beautiful, aren't you? You out with your daddy?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28You're beautiful. How old is she?
0:24:28 > 0:24:29- She's just six months.- Aw!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Bloody handful, I can tell you.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- Aw! Listen, would you mind settling an argument for us?- Go on.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Would you describe yourself as a dogger?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Oh, sorry, bud. She don't mean any offence.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Don't listen to her...- Is this a wind-up?- No, not at all.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Oh, God.- So why do you ask? Are you both, um...doggers?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Well, I am. He just thinks I'm just some kind of weirdo.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Most natural thing in the world! I've done it for years.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- How I met the wife.- Aw!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- See?- And where do you... Where do you do your dogging, mate?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01To be honest, best place I've found -
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- industrial estate, after dark. - Oh, right?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- You need to keep your wits about you.- Yeah, yeah.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Why? You...looking for a mate to go dogging with?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Me and the wife would love the company.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Yeah, I don't see why not. That'd be lovely.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17See, told you.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19He doesn't understand the joys of dogging.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22He's clearly never fucked in front of a crowd, has he, flower?
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Right, drive on.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Drive on, John! John, drive, drive, drive!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34'..Street in Ashton. That's still closed due to accident.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- 'Avoid the area if you can...' - Are you OK?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38World's gone mad.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42'..call us on the Forever FM Jam Line, it's 08081 570 555.'
0:25:42 > 0:25:48'Forever FM, traffic and travel. With BrighterDayCareers.co.uk.'
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Oh, I forgot to tell you -
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Dave Thomson and the team were happy
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- with me plans for the new trolley regulations.- Great.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58They were particularly fond of the name I suggested.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Oh, yeah? What was it?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Trolley Education.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Or just plain old TED for short.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12That's so lovely.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13He'd love that.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19MUSIC: I Believe In You by Kylie Minogue
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Are you out tonight?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37No. I'm back round my mum's again.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Are you keeping her company more since your dad?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43No, I'm power washing her stone cladding.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- After I've taken her to Zumba. - Oh, where does she go?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Church hall, Prestolee, near the crematorium.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Oh, she wants to try Shabam.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54It's the new Zumba. Works every muscle group.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57She can come with me. St Michael's Primary, every Tuesday.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- Don't, you'll make me yawn. - How much?
0:26:59 > 0:27:03£3.50, but they test your cholesterol as well.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Who does? - Shirley's husband.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Is he trained?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Well, he got a pack from Flora a couple of years back, he uses that.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Oh, ey up, you're wanted here. - Oh, it's Ken from next door.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- You're shitting me. - Don't say anything to him. Don't say anything...
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- Hiya, Ken!- Hiya, Kayleigh, love.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- This is John, from work. - Oh, hiya, John!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- Come in, why don't you? Come in! - This is Ken.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26You've a grip there, eh? I bet you need that.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Kayleigh, do you fancy going dogging again, after Corrie?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- Are you all right? - She just told me a joke, buddy.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I'll tell you it later, Ken.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42I think we need to have a little chat, Kenneth, all right?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45OK, I'll come out now, Ken.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47OK.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51- I'll leave that one with you, Kayleigh.- Shut up. Shut up.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- I'll see you in the morning. - See you tomorrow.- Yes.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Woof!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Get in there, Ken!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Whoo! "Since when?"
0:28:04 > 0:28:11# And I believe in you
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# I believe in you
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# I believe in
0:28:16 > 0:28:18# I believe in you
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# I believe in
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# I believe in you
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# I believe in
0:28:24 > 0:28:26# I believe in you
0:28:26 > 0:28:28# I believe in
0:28:28 > 0:28:31# I believe, I believe, I believe
0:28:31 > 0:28:33# In you. #