0:00:02 > 0:00:07- And do I sound all right or do I sound like a robot?- 'You sound like you normally do.'- Do I?
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Do I sound like I'm in a tin box?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10My mum said I sound like I'm underwater.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12'Are you underwater?'
0:00:12 > 0:00:15No. I'm in the car. What are you on about?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17'And where's your phone, on your knee?'
0:00:17 > 0:00:20No, no. It's at the side of me. It's all Bluetooth now, it's hands free
0:00:20 > 0:00:21'Wow.'
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Are you there? Hello? I can't hear you now, you've gone.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Hello? Kayleigh?
0:00:27 > 0:00:30'All right, all right, I heard you,
0:00:30 > 0:00:32'I just didn't say anything, I'm doing my lippy.'
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Lipstick? You best get a wriggle on, I'm nearly here.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36- 'What, already?'- Yeah.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39'Just hang on, I've not got my bra on yet.'
0:00:39 > 0:00:42MUSIC: Labour of Love by Hue And Cry
0:00:45 > 0:00:53This programme contains some strong language.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Just get in the car.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Just get in the car. Come on!
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Get in the car. What were you doing?
0:01:14 > 0:01:15I was doing me Beyonce.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- Come on, we're going to be late. - All right.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I went to watch her last night at the arena.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24She was shamazing!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Best night of my life, ever.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Good then, was she?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Oh, unbelievable, John, two and a half hours, nonstop.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35You never said you were going. Did you have a date?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Joking, aren't you? My inbox has been barren for weeks.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41No, our Mandy and her mate had a spare ticket,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43it was all very last minute.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44But OMG!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47She was amazing.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51And she's sexy but she's not slutty with it.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52That's a hard balance, that.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56I know, yeah. She makes me feel inadequate as a woman.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I was sat in my onesie, after,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59picking crisps out of my teeth thinking,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01"I bet Beyonce doesn't do this."
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I bet she does. She's human, at the end of the day.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09She isn't, John, she squats in heels, how does she do that?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Believe me, I've tried - I nearly broke my back.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14And she's gorgeous.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16She is.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I mean, I'm not a lesbian, John, but she would get it.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21You can't say that.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Our Kelly'll be well jel when she finds out,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25she's always wanted to see her, she loves her.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28How is your Kelly getting on in Australia, has she settled in yet?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31She's OK, yeah. Homesick.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34It's a good job Skype's free. I speak to her every night,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I speak to her more now than I did when she was back here.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39It is amazing, Skype. We were talking to me cousin the other week.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40It were her birthday.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42It's nice, yeah, brings people together.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46I know, but she only lives three streets away - lazy bitch.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- RADIO:- 'This is Forever FM.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54'The cruise ship Ireland Virgin has been hit by a norovirus outbreak
0:02:54 > 0:02:57'and is currently languishing in port after reports that more
0:02:57 > 0:03:00'than 150 people have suffered from the vomiting bug...'
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Awful.- Oh.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I wish I'd thrown a sickie today.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Don't be saying that to me.- Why?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I'm management. I could sack you.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12As if.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16You know when you just fancy a day off?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Lying on the settee with a duvet,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23catching up on my soaps. Been ages since I last did that.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27I haven't had a sick day...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- I can't remember the last time. - Well, you should try it,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33my grandad's died four times in the last ten years.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Eh?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37My grandad, he dies every time I get a new job,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- when I fancy a few days off. - You can't do that.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43I've never met him - he died before I was born so I don't feel bad.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- That's sacrilege!- Nonsense. - You'll burn in hell.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48The only hell I know, John, is standing in the middle
0:03:48 > 0:03:52of an aisle trying to get people to sample my Mini Cheddars.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- You don't believe in all that hoopty, do you?- What?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Heaven and hell and the Bible and all that tosh.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05- Come on.- What?- You shock me.- Why?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Really?- Yeah, why?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10You'll be telling me dinosaurs existed next.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Are you for real? Of course they existed.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Bullcrap.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Of course they existed, how do you explain the bones?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Bones shmones, you've been brainwashed.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25It's all a conspiracy, you know.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Conspiracy? What are you on about?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30They just look ridiculous, like...
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Stupid.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35They don't mention them in the Bible.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39they weren't at the Nativity, they weren't on Noah's Ark.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41The stories don't match!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43What a load of utter shit.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I'm telling you.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49I suppose you think the moon landings weren't real or
0:04:49 > 0:04:50JFK wasn't assassinated.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- The strong man?- Who?
0:04:53 > 0:04:58- Geoff Capes? - JFK, cloth ears! Geoff Capes...
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- RADIO:- '...foreverfm.co.uk.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05'Katie, David in Rochdale's text in to ask about this hamster,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07'the one you had in your kitchen cupboard.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09'He wanted to know if it was wearing a top hat.'
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Good morning, Mr Magpie, how's your wife?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14What did you say?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Good morning, Mr Magpie, how's your wife today?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I just saw a Mr Magpie.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21It's on its own, it's bad luck,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23so I'll keep my fingers crossed now till I see another.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25So you're telling me, you don't
0:05:25 > 0:05:28believe in dinosaurs but you're superstitious?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- You're one on your own, you. - Completely different.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Is it balls.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35'Course it is.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Would you walk under a ladder?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Yes.- Open an umbrella indoors?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Why not?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Put new shoes on a kitchen table? Cross on the stairs?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Step on a crack?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Watch me, cos it's all utter bollocks, love.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52No wonder you're single, John.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55What's that got to do with anything?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Superstitious. You're as bad as me dad, he were like that.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01If he ever saw a hearse he used to have to hold his collar
0:06:01 > 0:06:03until he saw a four legged animal.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04How annoying.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06You're telling me, he was an undertaker. Got sod all done.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Was he really?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10No.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17RADIO: 'Playing timeless hits now and forever and ever and ever.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20'This is Forever FM.'
0:06:20 > 0:06:23So have you got anything exciting happening today?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I've got to arbitrate a disciplinary first up.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Whose?
0:06:28 > 0:06:29- I can't say.- Whose?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Janine Cosgrove and Elsie off deli.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Oh, yeah, what a carry on that was. Did you see it?
0:06:36 > 0:06:37I arrived at the headlock.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39She was dragging her round by her hair.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I know. Like a dog on a bitch.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Well, I'm surprised they've lasted this long car sharing.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Janine's a strict vegan, Elsie's meat mad. Her farts stink.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52She's been doing red days on Slimming World for years now.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Slimming World? Have you seen the size of her?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Think she's got a problem with her glands.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01She's a problem with her hands - they can't stop picking up quiche
0:07:01 > 0:07:05and shoving it into her fat mouth! I've seen the security cameras,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07we're losing a fortune on that deli.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10She's on her third written already, so she'll be up the road.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Oh, you can't do that to her, John. - She broke Janine's nose!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Oh, I know, but she's had a really crap year, bless her.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18She's been a victim to arson
0:07:18 > 0:07:20and her mum's lost her leg to diabetes -
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- she put the pictures on Facebook. - Of her mum?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25No, her husband's allotment.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Kids set fire to it, they lost a full crop of marrows.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Oh. Well, I'm filling up here(!)
0:07:32 > 0:07:34# Never let go, gotta hold on and
0:07:34 > 0:07:35# Nonstop till the break of dawn and
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- # Keep moving, don't stop rocking - Ah
0:07:38 > 0:07:39# Get on up... #
0:07:39 > 0:07:43So I've got that first up and then it's our team awayday today.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Oh, where are you off to? Anywhere nice?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Nowhere, Dave Thomson decided to make use of the big meeting room,
0:07:49 > 0:07:51so we're stopping in.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Bit of a pisser.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Last year we all had a beano to Abersoch.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Oh, it's lovely there,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01we had our Mandy's hen weekend there, all-inclusive.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05I put on a stone in 48 hours and snogged a pikey with moobs.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- What?- Moobs. You know, man boobs. They were bigger than mine.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10You can't say that.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Well, they were, he could have breast-fed a creche!
0:08:13 > 0:08:14No, you can't say pikey.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18But he was a pikey, John.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21He might have been but they don't like you saying that about them.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Anyway, I snogged a tinker with moobs.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29He had really rough skin on his hands -
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- must have been from spinning all them waltzers.- Jesus.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35# I know it's not much but it's OK
0:08:35 > 0:08:38# We'll keep on movin' on anyway... #
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Well, that's not much of an awayday, staying in work.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43It's not all day either, it's only 11 till 3.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Just like a long lunch. What's on your agenda?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Erm, this one's about team building, trust strategies
0:08:52 > 0:08:55and motivational role-play.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- What a load of hoopty.- Why?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Well, it is.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Just a waste of money,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- I'm sure it could be put to better use.- Like?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Well, the vending machine's been stuck on Scotch broth
0:09:09 > 0:09:11since the Olympics
0:09:11 > 0:09:13and the disabled toilet's got a crack in it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I nipped my bum twice last week.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17You shouldn't even be using it.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Oh, come on, we've all done it. - I've not.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Jobsworth.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24All I'm saying is, what's the point of having
0:09:24 > 0:09:27a management awayday like this?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Well, it's all about pushing the envelope, innit?
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Like moving things forward and knowing we're all giving 110%.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Bullcrap. Do you go on a course to learn that jive?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38What jive?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Business speak - 110%, pushing your envelope
0:09:42 > 0:09:43and all that guff.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46"Somebody's thrown me a curve ball."
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I mean, what a load of old balls. Who speaks like that?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- I don't know. - Why do you say it then?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54You're in a good mood(!)
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I think you should have thrown that sickie.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01- RADIO:- 'Sit in a shed this weekend with shed surgery and Forever FM.'
0:10:01 > 0:10:04'Forever FM traffic and travel
0:10:04 > 0:10:06'brought to you by Brighter Day Careers.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09'Stuck in a dead-end job going nowhere fast?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13'Log on to brighterdaycareers.co.uk and get your career back on track.'
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Aww, cute.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18'Still looking slow on the M62 between junction 18 and 19...'
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Look at this. Where's he going? - CAR HORN BEEPS
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Oh, let it go. What are you doing?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24It's an adult crossing.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26It's for kids. It's for kids this, mate.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- What did you say?- You've no kids with you. It's not for adults.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Say that again. - Lock your doors, lock your doors.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Say that again to my face.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Never you mind. Hurry up, love.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Yeah? How's that, eh? - Oh, you animal!- Go on!
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- Idiot.- Yeah, you'd better drive off, you bald bastard.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- I can't see.- What were you doing?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Well, it's a kids' crossing, isn't it?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- I'm up to bloody here with it. - He was quite fit.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I can't see a pissing thing now. Look at that egg.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- I can't see nothing. - You're making it worse.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58'This is Forever FM.'
0:10:58 > 0:11:00MUSIC: MMMBop by Hanson
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Do we have to do this?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05I can't see out the windscreen. Animal.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Should've opened me car door and winded him.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Do we really need to do this, John?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12It's all right. I'm not having the full platinum.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Here we go.- Are your windows up? Are your windows up?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17It's up, it's up.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Here she comes.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I can't do it. I can't do this, I can't do this, John.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Hey, get off me. What's up with you?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32We shouldn't have done this. MUSIC BLARES
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Are you deaf? - I can't stand the noise.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36What, MMMBop - Hanson?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38What's the matter with you?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's the water, there's just water everywhere.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42It's a carwash. What's up?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I'm aquaphobic. Got to get out.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Let me out, let me out!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48We can't get out now, I only have half the car washed.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49It cost me £6.50!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- I'm having a panic attack. - Now? You pick your moments.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- I'm going all funny. - Think happy thoughts.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Breathe. Just breathe. Think happy thoughts.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Just think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06# Said, oh, yeah
0:12:06 > 0:12:08# In an mmmbop they're gone
0:12:10 > 0:12:13# Yeah, yeah
0:12:13 > 0:12:15# Plant a seed plant a flower, plant a rose
0:12:15 > 0:12:18# You can plant any one of those
0:12:18 > 0:12:20# Keep planting to find out which one grows
0:12:20 > 0:12:25# It's a secret no-one knows
0:12:25 > 0:12:27# It's a secret no-one knows
0:12:27 > 0:12:31# Oh, no-one knows
0:12:31 > 0:12:33# Mmmbop, ba duba dop
0:12:33 > 0:12:35# Ba du bop, ba duba dop
0:12:35 > 0:12:38# Ba du bop, ba duba dop
0:12:38 > 0:12:40# Ba du, yeah
0:12:40 > 0:12:42# Mmmbop, ba duba dop
0:12:42 > 0:12:45# Ba du bop, ba du dop
0:12:45 > 0:12:46# Ba du bop, ba du dop
0:12:46 > 0:12:50# Ba du, yeah
0:12:50 > 0:12:52# Can you tell me? Oh
0:12:52 > 0:12:54# No, you can't cos you don't know
0:12:54 > 0:12:57# Can you tell me? Oh, yeah
0:12:57 > 0:12:59# You say you can but you don't know
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- # Can you tell me? Oh - Which flower's going to grow?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04# No, you can't cos you don't know... #
0:13:09 > 0:13:13It's all right, it's all gone now, deep breaths, that's it.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15SHE CHOKES
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Shit, what's up? What's up?
0:13:21 > 0:13:22What's that?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Poppadom. Oh, I'm sorry, I had that last night.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Sorry, sorry, sorry.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- RADIO:- '...with Lancashire Scrap Metal.
0:13:31 > 0:13:38'If the outlook is rubbish, call Keith on 08081-570-075.'
0:13:38 > 0:13:39'So, here we go again, then.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41'The Forever FM Golden Hour with hits
0:13:41 > 0:13:44'and headlines from a chosen year. "It could be you."
0:13:44 > 0:13:47'That's what the National Lottery started telling us
0:13:47 > 0:13:49'in this year and I've only ever had one ball.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51'The Lion King was stealing our hearts in the cinema,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54'whilst Fred and Primrose West were arrested for the murders
0:13:54 > 0:13:58'of 12 women in Gloucester but what was the year? Let me know.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01You're listening to the Golden Hour on Forever FM.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02'The Forever FM Golden Hour.'
0:14:03 > 0:14:06MUSIC: Bump N'Grind by R. Kelly
0:14:06 > 0:14:08'94. Wahey!
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Feeling better?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14You look a bit rough.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Thanks.- Well, you do.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30John!
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Oh, frig me. What time's the circus?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- You what? - Yeah, look at your face, Coco.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Oh, shit, I thought it was me lip balm.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- Why've I done that? - You look like Ivy Tilsley.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Thought you were dolling yourself up for Superted.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51He gets where water can't, this lad.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55# I don't see nothing wrong
0:14:55 > 0:14:57# With a little bump and grind
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Look at him, he's filthy
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Fingers crossed.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Oh, so you're feeling better.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I'm not, actually, me head's banging now,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I told you I should have done a sickie.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Well, too late now. Up and at 'em. Come on.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Wait, I can't go into work looking like this.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Well, you lock her up, Baby Jane.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30MUSIC IN CAR: How Bizarre by OMC
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- You all right?- Not really. - What's up?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Dave Thomson is a N-O-B head.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43He's just had a right go at me in front of everyone, I'm fuming!
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Why? What for?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Because I priced up an iceberg lettuce as a cabbage.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49What do I know about fruit and veg? I'm promotions.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51What were you doing on fruit and veg?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I was covering for Gayle, she's gone for a smear.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58I priced up a "couple" of iceberg lettuce as cabbage.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59How come?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Because they look exactly the same, that's how come.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Yeah, but they don't cost the same, do they?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I only sold about eight.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Next minute he comes over booming,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09IRISH ACCENT: "Stop right there,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12"you've cost this company a fortune today, missy." Missy!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15That's uncanny. I thought he was sat in the back, then.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Waving fruit and veg in me face.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19"See this? This is a banana. This, this is a tomato."
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Sarcastic pig.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22A tomato's not a fruit.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Oh, don't you start.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29# Every time I look around
0:16:29 > 0:16:32# Every time I look around
0:16:32 > 0:16:34# It's in my face. #
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- RADIO:- 'It is the big, big drive home. It's Forever FM.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38'Hello, this is Andy.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40'Have you had a good day today? We hope you have.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43'Here's a question for you - have you ever used Botox?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45'Apparently, scientists are now looking at...'
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- What happened earlier?- When?
0:16:48 > 0:16:52This morning in the carwash, like. What happened?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I'm so sorry, I haven't had an episode like that in ages.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00You said aquaphobia.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Yeah, it just came over me before. I had it really bad years ago.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05I had to go to counselling for it.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08You're joking. I didn't think you could get it that bad.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Oh, yeah, awful.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I didn't even have a bath or shower in the second year.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I know. Really traumatic.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15How did you cope?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Wet wipes, John. Saved me life.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Where did you get it, like? You're not born aquaphobic are you?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- I mean...- No. Well, it started...
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Me mum bought me a cheap swimming cossie off the market
0:17:27 > 0:17:30and I got allergic to all the pink, glittery butterflies on it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32My skin went just all red and itchy and eugh!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Anyway, me mum lost her mind,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36took it back to the woman who ran the stall.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Anaphylactic?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39I don't know her name.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41No, I mean, that's what it is, isn't it?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44When you're allergic to something, it's anaphylactic.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46You get symptoms, like, you get a rash and that.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Well, I did.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Swelled up like a beachball but just in the shape of me cossie.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Weird. Anyway, the woman wouldn't give us a refund.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Me mum lost her mind, sent the cossie to Esther Rantzen.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Never heard anything back.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01It took me years to pluck up the courage to go back in the water
0:18:01 > 0:18:04and when I finally did, I swallowed a plaster in Rhyl Sun Centre.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- RADIO:- 'And we're conduction clinical trials to help find a cure
0:18:07 > 0:18:11'for asthma and other lung and heart-related conditions.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15'You'll need to be available Monday to Friday, 10 till 4 for six weeks.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16'And, if eligible,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- 'we may reimburse up to half your travelling expenses.'- "May"?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22'To take part, text "heart attack" to...'
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Text "heart attack"! What? Oh.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You'd proper have to be on the bones of your arse
0:18:27 > 0:18:29to do that, wouldn't you?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Well... Don't knock it till you've tried it.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I would never try it.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I could do with a bit of extra income myself, actually.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Well, don't be doing that. Bloody hell, things can't be that bad.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Well, they're not THAT bad but I am constantly skint.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I shouldn't have gone to Beyonce last night, really,
0:18:46 > 0:18:50but sometimes you've just got to live a little, John, haven't you?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Very true.- You know, I'm always trying to make ends meet.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56It soon goes.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- If I could just get some extra cash, that'd help.- Yeah.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Hey, is there any money in the Christmas team
0:19:03 > 0:19:04you're putting together?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I don't know.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Am I on the list?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15We're calculating aisle space and working out staff rotas
0:19:15 > 0:19:17and all that carry-on.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Don't forget me.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22How can I forget? You mention it every bloody day.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26You must be on a good whack being management.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27You think?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I'm an assistant manager of a supermarket, love.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30I'm hardly Lord Sugar.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33You live on your own.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35So do you.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Suppose, I just don't know where it goes, John.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I've got the mortgage, utilities, petrol money...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Oh, and I'm paying 15 quid a month for heartsearchers.com.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Heart searchers?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49You know, me online dating.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Oh, yes, yes, yes.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Well, that's a waste of money, right there.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I've got me animals to pay for every month.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00What animals? I thought you only had a dog.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05Well, I have but I've also fostered a panda, a tiger and a donkey.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You've fostered a panda, a tiger and a...
0:20:07 > 0:20:10It's those appeals, John - they get me every time.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Them shitty appeals...
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Oh, they break my heart. I can't say no.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17You're forking out for a panda, a tiger and a donkey?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- No wonder you're on your arse. - Leeki, Thor and Jackie-O.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I've never met them but we keep in touch on Facebook.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- How?- They send me pictures.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- They have proper seen you coming. - No, they haven't.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34They're endangered species, John, once they're gone, that'll be it.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- That'll be what? - Well, they'll be extinct, won't they?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Like dinosaurs? Exactly.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40- Hardly.- Well.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49- RADIO:- 'Our station, your music - together, forever.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51'This is Forever FM.'
0:20:51 > 0:20:54SILENCE
0:20:54 > 0:20:55No.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57MUSIC STARTS BRIEFLY, THEN CUTS OUT
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Oh, what a balls-up.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03- Did that happen live on air?- Yeah.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Someone is going to get sacked.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07What a balls-up.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13MUSIC: Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears
0:21:23 > 0:21:25This song has never aged.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Never aged.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- BOTH SING:- # Welcome to your life
0:21:31 > 0:21:36- # There's no turning back... # - It hasn't.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39# Even while we sleep
0:21:41 > 0:21:43# We will find you
0:21:43 > 0:21:47# Acting on your best behaviour
0:21:47 > 0:21:51# Turn your back on Mother Nature
0:21:51 > 0:21:53# Everybody
0:21:53 > 0:21:58# Wants to rule the world... #
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Then, they had two black lads dancing
0:22:00 > 0:22:02in the video thing.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04And he was wearing high-waisted jeans.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I used to watch it all the time
0:22:06 > 0:22:08in t'pub in town. They used to have a video jukebox.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13- In the pub?- Yeah. - I must have only been about two.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16A pound a video, it were. Used to be packed,
0:22:16 > 0:22:17if I wanted to go on it.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22And they had a mechanical bull for a few weeks.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26What?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I lost my virginity on one of those.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31SHE GIGGLES
0:22:31 > 0:22:32You what?!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36What did you say?!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Hang on a minute!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42You lost your virginity on a mechanical bull?!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Frigging hell, what speed were it on?
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Fast enough.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Why did you tell me that for?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- I didn't really.- Yeah.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- It was a Buckaroo!- A Buckaroo?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I'm just talking silly. I don't mean it.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I bloody hope it weren't a Buckaroo.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I hope you didn't give it to a jumble after that.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14A couple of buckets missing.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- RADIO:- 'Forever FM, traffic and travel, brought to you by
0:23:22 > 0:23:23'Brighter Day Career.'
0:23:23 > 0:23:25PHONE RINGS
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Hey up, your mate is ringing me.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Hello, Dave.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33'John, it's Dave. Listen, FYI,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36'I've just had Colin on from CJK
0:23:36 > 0:23:39'and he's thrown us a bit of a curveball at the 11th hour.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42'He said that the earliest he can get it to us will be close of play
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- 'Wednesday. Now, do you think you can run with that?'- Wednesday?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Oh, it's going to be tight. It's going to be touch and go.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I don't think we'll have enough boots on the ground
0:23:51 > 0:23:54to wrap our heads around it. We don't want to paint ourselves
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- into a corner, Dave. - 'I hear you loud and clear, John,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59'but we need to close the loop on this. If we hit the ground running
0:23:59 > 0:24:01'on Wednesday, I think it'll be win-win.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04'But we need to keep our powder dry. We can't afford to drop
0:24:04 > 0:24:05'the ball at this late stage of the game.'
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Yeah, agreed. We're going to have to go belt and braces on this.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I'll speak to the rest of the team, A-SAP.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- I'm sure they'll go that extra mile. - 'We need 110%, John, nothing less.'
0:24:15 > 0:24:18You'll get it, Dave. I'll make sure they're all over it, first thing.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22'Oh, and thanks for sitting in on that shite this afternoon.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24'That Elsie, she doesn't deserve a second...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- 'Look, are you on your own here?' - DEEP VOICE: Yes.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Ah...!- Choo!- 'What was that?'
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I sneezed, Dave. Sorry.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34'Bless you! Look, that Elsie doesn't deserve a second chance.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38'She's pissed on her chips too many times, as far as I'm concerned,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41'but if you think her personal life is in the shitter,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- 'I'll take your word for it.' - She has had a rough year,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46but she'll come to her senses after a bit of leave.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48You know, reflect on her life and behaviour
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- and see how things pan out. - 'I didn't realise you knew her that well.'
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Well, I don't, Dave, but you hear things, don't you?
0:24:56 > 0:25:00'Aye. Did you hear I had a run-in with your wee pal Kayleigh
0:25:00 > 0:25:01'this afternoon?'
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Erm...no. No. Why, what happened?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08'Oh, the daft cow suddenly fancied herself as a greengrocer,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11'wandered over to F&V and turned the place upside down.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14'Talk about a shambles. 32 years in retail, John,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17'and I've never seen anything like it.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18'She had everything priced up wrong.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21'She was practically giving the stuff away.'
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Erm, I'm sure she was only trying to help.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27'Ho! Help? Aye! Look, she almost single-handedly closed us down.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30'Lucky I was on hand, to give her an arse kicking.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32'She's not the sharpest tool in the shed, that one, John.'
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I hear what you're saying, but trust me, her heart's in the right place.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39You've just got to get to know her. She's actually got some good ideas.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- 'Like?'- Well, you know, about staff morale and all that -
0:25:42 > 0:25:46you know, the vending machine in the staff canteen only serves
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- Scotch broth. And the disabled toilets...- 'I like Scotch broth.'
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Me, too. Who doesn't?
0:25:51 > 0:25:55But are you aware the seat on the disabled toilet's got a crack in it?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58'I'm well aware. It took a great chunk out of my arse this morning.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- 'And?'- And they all need addressing, is all I'm saying.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- If we can make the staff happy, I'm confident that we can...- 'Look,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08'don't let Kayleigh soft soap you with all that
0:26:08 > 0:26:10'hippy-happy workplace shite.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12'She's playing you like a fucking fiddle, John.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15'I've got her card marked. You've just got to realise that women
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- like that are only good for...' - You're breaking up, Dave.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I can't hear you. It's this new Bluetooth. Sorry.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23'All I'm saying is, you can't put lipstick on a pig.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- 'And if her grandad dies one more time this year...'- What's that?!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- MIMICS TRANSMISSION BREAKING UP - 'I can hear you fine.'
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- 'John?'- No, you're cutting out. I'll have to call you back.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- What an effin' arsehole! - 'What was that?!'
0:26:39 > 0:26:42It was the radio, Dave. The Archers, Ta-ra!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44What did you say that for?!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45(Has he gone now?)
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Course he's gone! And so will I be, down the bloody labour exchange.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52What did you... What did you say that for?! "Effin' arsehole"!
0:26:52 > 0:26:55When have they ever said that on The Archers?!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- He IS an effin' arsehole!- But you didn't have to tell him that!
0:26:57 > 0:27:01I did! I did have to tell him. I hate him. Did you hear him?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04IMITATES DAVE: "Almost got us closed down. Going to give her an arse kicking."
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- He's not Asian! - I'm going to kick his arse.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- I'll kick his Irish arse back to Ballykissangel.- He's not Irish!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- He's Scottish, you tool! - Oh, let it go.- I don't believe you.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I don't understand what goes on in your mind.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- Why didn't you stick up for me?!- I did stick... I did stick up for you!
0:27:19 > 0:27:24- No.- I did stick up for you. I said Scotch broth, disabled toilets.- No!
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- I did say the toilets. - He called me "a pig with lipstick". - Well, he might have had a point.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32I just used to come to work every day and nothing would ever happen.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Nothing! I would just sail in and sail out.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- Oh, don't say that, John.- What?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- You know how much I hate water. - Oh, for the love of God!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44'John? Are you still there, John?'
0:27:45 > 0:27:46# Love Shack
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# Baby, Love Shack
0:27:49 > 0:27:50# Love Shack
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- # Baby, Love Shack - That's where it's at, yeah
0:27:52 > 0:27:53# Love Shack
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- # Baby, Love Shack - That's where it's at
0:27:56 > 0:27:57# Love Shack
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# Baby, Love Shack
0:27:59 > 0:28:03# Dancin' and a-lovin' at The Love Shack. #