0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09MUSIC: I Touch Myself by Divinyls
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# I don't want anybody else
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# When I think about you I touch myself
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# Ooh, ohh, I don't want anybody else
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# I want you
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# I don't want anybody else
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# And when I think about ya
0:00:32 > 0:00:34# I touch meself
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# Ooh. #
0:00:42 > 0:00:46HE LAUGHS
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Harry Potter! What do you reckon?
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Magic!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Whoa, yeah. Yeah, it is tight, that, you're right.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- As a nun's chuff.- Ooh.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04No WD knocking about?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Have you not brought your wand?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08THEY CHUCKLE
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Jesus!
0:01:11 > 0:01:14HE LAUGHS
0:01:14 > 0:01:16No, it's Hagrid.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- She wonders why she's single. - Shut up, you.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- I can't believe you've talked me into this.- You look fantastic.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I look ridiculous. I said I wanted to go as Madonna.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- That's funnier than Madonna. - Oh, yeah, funny for who?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- It certainly made me laugh. - You can eff off.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33We gotta get a photo of this. Come here.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37- Must we? Oh, let me pull me beard down a bit.- No, keep it up.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Come on, I'll do a selfie.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Say "Quidditch!"- Quidditch.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- RADIO:- 'Forever FM in the evenings with Paul Banter.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51'Loving the banter, Forever FM.'
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Stop fiddling, you look fine.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I'm burning up, here.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Is the air con on?- It's on full.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I can't wear this all night.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- You can't take it off, can you?- Why not?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Cos...you'll lose the full effect. Stop playing with it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Just put it on.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10How am I going to eat with this on?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I've got a full Chinese banquet to wade through yet.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Oh, aye, I forgot about that.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Six courses. I'm ready for that tonight.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I'm going to have hair in me kung po.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I'll tell you something - they know how to put a good spread on,
0:02:25 > 0:02:26t'Chinese, don't they?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- What were it last year? - Er, Indian tapas.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Oh, yeah. Weren't so clever, that.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- I went as Pocahontas.- What did we have the year before that?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38She didn't have a beard.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- It's itching me face! - Just leave it alone.
0:02:41 > 0:02:46Gastro pub. Stavros Flatley. Cracked me up, that.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Father and son, those two.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- Father and son.- Will anyone actually know who I'm supposed to be?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Well, they will if you stick with Harry Potter.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I haven't even seen Harry Potter, John.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I might win the fancy dress, then you'll be laughing, won't you?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Don't like it when you go for something obvious.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Look at Joyce last year, she went as a chest of drawers.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Stapled some knickers to her busters.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Her busters?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Whatever the kids call them.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12What do you call yours?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Cagney and Lacey.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- You call your breasts Cagney and Lacey?- Yeah.- Why?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I don't know, just always have.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Although I always preferred Cagney to Lacey.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Haven't I, Mary Beth?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34# I'm a dreamer... #
0:03:34 > 0:03:38It seems funny hearing the radio this time of night, don't it?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Never normally listen to it now. Much more dancey.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I like it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I love this song, it reminds me of Brunel's in Rhyl.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Did you ever go raving?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- What do you reckon?- No. - SHE LAUGHS
0:03:53 > 0:03:56MUSIC: Crazy Frog by Axel F
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- Oh, this is shite!- What?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Crazy Frog.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Had a little willy.- He did have a little willy, remember that.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- How rude!- Yeah.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Crash helmet and cock out.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10And his bike.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13He didn't even have a bike. He were just in mid-air, weren't he?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Flying around. Little green penis. With his helmet on.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19SHE LAUGHS
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- RADIO:- 'Any exciting plans tonight, Jenny from Bolton?'
0:04:21 > 0:04:24'Yeah, meeting a friend for a glass of wine, or maybe two.'
0:04:24 > 0:04:26'Good work. Don't have too many, Jenny.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28'Hello, Forever FM, who's this?'
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- 'It's Mark from Preston.' - 'You up to anything tonight, Mark?'
0:04:30 > 0:04:33'Yeah, going out on the piss for me mate's birthday.'
0:04:33 > 0:04:36'Can't be saying things like that. This is Forever FM.'
0:04:36 > 0:04:39MUSIC: The Key, The Secret by Urban Cookie Collective
0:04:39 > 0:04:41# I got the key to
0:04:41 > 0:04:43# Another way
0:04:43 > 0:04:44# I've got the key... #
0:04:44 > 0:04:47HE YAWNS
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Think it's past Harry Potter's bedtime.- Mm?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52You, yawning your head off.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- Oh, shattered. Woke up again last night.- Same time?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- Yeah, 1:21. That's three nights on t'bounce, that, now.- Weird.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- I know. It's freaking me out. - Why's that, then?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05HE BURPS Lord knows. It's doing me head in.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Ended up watching telly for four hours.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Documentary about Lance Armstrong.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Him who went to the moon?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Jesus Christ, no.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I wonder what it is.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- What?- Why you keep waking up at 1:21.- I don't know.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22It's doing me bloody head in.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Maybe it's the other side.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Ian and Margaret? No, they're in Buxton, they're on a retreat.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- I'm drawing the curtains for them. - No, the spirit world.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Maybe they're trying to tell you something.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39They pick their moments. I daren't ring anyone after nine.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Anyway, you don't believe in all that hocus pocus, do you?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44He says, dressed as a wizard.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54MUSIC: Milkshake by Kelis
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Here we are.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oh, look at George!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Don't he look better with ringlets?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Really suits him.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Oh, look at this cowboy.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12He can ride me any time he likes.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Look at him, he can't help helping.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Least he's dressed for once.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... #
0:06:23 > 0:06:24You were saying?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26That's bang out of order, that.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29# I can teach you but I have to charge
0:06:29 > 0:06:31# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... #
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- I'm ready for this free bar. - What free bar?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41We had a free bar last year.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- No, we didn't. - Well, nobody stopped me.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47You're off your arse.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I've not brought me purse.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Go on!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Hey, me crown's slipping!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01You're damn right!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Oi! D'you mind? I've just had her waxed.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Give me a minute, I'm nearly done.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Ooh, look! It's Harry Potter.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Let the boy watch.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Hey, young Gareth, on your way.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- We'll be having bloody words in t'morning.- Sorry, Mr Redmond.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Hey, hang on, where you going?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I'm half-cocked here!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Rabbits.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- John!- What?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Mr Redmond!- John!- What?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Can we give Elsie a lift home? Please?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39See, what it is, Mr Redmond, there's no taxis, that's the Ramadan.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- She can't get home.- Can't get home.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- What?- It's on our way. Fine.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Where's your beard?
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Tell him.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Had a little bit of an accident, truth be told.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I was a bit sick...
0:07:55 > 0:07:57if truth be told, but I'm fine.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00She threw up over it, she couldn't wear it.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Was better out than in, love.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- It went right down...- Couldn't get her wee hand round the U.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06..in the toilet.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Well, that's that, innit?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09It's free.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- Free now, John.- It's not free, it's my deposit up the river!
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Hey, hey, hey!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16It's only money!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18You can't take it with you.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- There's no pockets in shrouds. - All right.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23There's no cash machines in heaven.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Is that the motor?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Just love her.- Where's she live?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37# In a midnight sky
0:08:37 > 0:08:40# Oh, oh
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- BOTH:- # Zoom
0:08:43 > 0:08:48# You chased the day away
0:08:48 > 0:08:51# High noon
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- # The moon and stars... # - RADIO OFF
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Oh!- Oh!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Party pooper!- I was enjoying that!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Killjoy.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06You've upset her.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Mm!
0:09:08 > 0:09:09You've upset me.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12We work our bollocks off all during the week.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15The one night of the year when we party...
0:09:15 > 0:09:19and you're pissing on our bonfire.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Come on, John, it's a party.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23There, happy?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27# Loving you... #
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Aww!- Oh, I love this.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- Turn it up... - # Because you're beautiful... #
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Don't put you off your driving, sorry.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36# Making love with you
0:09:36 > 0:09:40# Is all I wanna do
0:09:40 > 0:09:42# La-la-la-la-la
0:09:42 > 0:09:44# La-la-la-la-la
0:09:44 > 0:09:49# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ah-ah
0:09:49 > 0:09:52# Doot-n-doo-doo-doo
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- HIGH-PITCHED:- # Ah-ah-ah-ah! #
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- RADIO:- 'Ah, what a lovely message.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04'We'll dedicate the next song to you guys.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07'This is Forever FM with Phyllis Nelson.'
0:10:07 > 0:10:09# Hey, baby
0:10:09 > 0:10:11# You go your way... #
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Here, Mr Redmond, can you turn that heat down?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I'm sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Please.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Don't feel me up, you dirty pig!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:32 > 0:10:36# And our bodies... #
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Here, Mr Redmond, can I spark up?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- No.- No.- Oh, come on, please, I'm gasping.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Well, you'll have to get out. - Why, we stopping?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- No.- He's anti-smoking, Elsie.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Is she? Do I know her?
0:10:50 > 0:10:55- Eh?- What do you call your auntie? Does she work at our place?
0:10:55 > 0:11:00- What you pappin' on about? - She said your auntie was a smoker.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Oh, I could murder a cup of tea. Could you?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09No tea for me, love, not at this hour of the night.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12See, what it is, I'm a slave to the heartburn.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Elsie?- Mm?- Me too. Me too.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Brown toast with me.- Oooh!
0:11:18 > 0:11:23- And sour cream Pringles.- I knew you were going to say that.- I love 'em!
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Very moreish, Elsie.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Like crack.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Oh, don't talk to me about sour cream Pringles, they're lethal.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Four hours I spent in the A&E on Boxing Day night
0:11:35 > 0:11:38with my arm wedged into the tube.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Apparently I have very wide wrists.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Have you tried the Gaviscon?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44What, for my wrists?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- For your heartburn. - Oh, Gaviscon? Oh, no, thank you.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Last thing I want's a little fireman in my mouth.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Then again... - GIGGLING
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Did you see Dave Thompson?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Billy big bollocks. - What was he thinking?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- Dressed as Mr T again. - See he likes to limbo.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- Who?- Dave Thompson, blurgh!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Wants to take it easy after what he's been through.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Triple bypass. He's had two stents put in since Jubilee.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- He's only 51. That's no age...- No.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Have you heard about Trevor on the back door?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Kayleigh, sure I told you.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28What's up with him?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31They've given him till Christmas.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Loan sharks?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36No. He's riddled. Absolutely riddled.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39He didn't have a clue till he shaved his beard off.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41That's awful.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Well, I hear you, but we all have our crosses to bear.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47And I'm a slave to jogger's nipple.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Christ, how much jogging do you do?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I have never jogged a day in my life.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:58She's so funny!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- COUGHING:- Where's me inhaler?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13What about Rick and Donna?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15That were a bit of a shock, weren't it?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- Getting engaged! - I've known about that for months.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Big Dianne off non-foods told me but I never said nothing.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Very romantic.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- So lovely.- I must admit, I was filling up, blubbing...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I'm such a big softie, aren't I?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- Tacky, though, weren't it? - Ooh, rough as arseholes.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Imagine her proposing. That's a man's job.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45You'd be mortified in front of all those people, wouldn't you?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49And Rick looked like a right dick dressed as Mrs Brown. Anyway...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52never mind them - what about yous two, huh?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- What's going on with you two? - What do you mean?- What?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- You know.- No, I don't. What you on about?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00You'll be next, the two of you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02You're not fooling me, you're not fooling no-one.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06You can't kid a kidder. You're the talk of the store, the two of yous.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- What you on about?- Why?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Wouldn't you like to know? - Yeah, I would.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I am saying nothing.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I might be many things but I am not a gossip.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Go on, what have you heard?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Well, we all know who you'll be picking for your Christmas team
0:14:21 > 0:14:23this year, I'll put it that way.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- What do you mean by that?- You can drop the act, the pair of yous.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Cos you're not fooling no-one.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I told you, you can't con a conner and you can't kid a kidder.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- She's talking shit. - Why, what they been saying?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Well, you tell me, Kayleigh.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42I've said too much already. Loose lips sinks ships.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47So I am saying nothing. My lips is firmly sealed.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48I wish.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53Anyhoo, it's none of my business what you get up to with this...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55this...um...
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Well, he's no longer a boy but he's not yet a man, know what I mean?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01He's a man...boy.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Uh-huh, a man boy.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04A man-bo.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05A mambo!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Mambo...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10It's the quiet ones you have to watch, isn't it, Kayleigh?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- It is, it is.- Know what I'm saying? Look at his wee face.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Look, he's morto! He's beaming away.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18She's a scream.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20She's a scream, isn't she, John?
0:15:20 > 0:15:21She's a scream.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Well, as I say, I'm mental. I do not care!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26She doesn't. She doesn't!
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- Happen that's why you're on your third written warning.- Oh...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Are we nearly there yet, anyway? - I'm saying nothing.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Yeah, well, you'd best say something when I run out of diesel.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45SIREN WAILS
0:15:46 > 0:15:49And I hear Joyce Chung
0:15:49 > 0:15:52has an S-shaped vagina...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54but that's her business.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I'm saying nothing. I'm not a gossip.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Are you done?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00MUSIC: Perfect Moment by Martine McCutcheon
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I'm just drip-drying.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04# This is my moment... #
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Give me a minute.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07# This is my perfect moment... #
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Oh, I need to go myself, now.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Oh, my dear God.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14THUNDER RUMBLES
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- RADIO:- 'Timeless songs, timeless love,
0:16:17 > 0:16:21'late-night love songs - Forever FM.'
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Which way now?
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Straight on.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- What?- Straight on!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Do you know where she lives?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I think she lives round...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32MUSIC: Crazy For You by Madonna
0:16:32 > 0:16:34HE CRUNCHES
0:16:35 > 0:16:40- SHE SINGS ALONG: - # Swaying room as the music starts
0:16:40 > 0:16:45# Strangers making the most of the dark
0:16:45 > 0:16:52# Two by two their bodies become one... #
0:16:55 > 0:17:00# I see you through the smoky air
0:17:00 > 0:17:05# Can't you feel the weight of my stare?
0:17:05 > 0:17:11# You're so close but still a world away
0:17:11 > 0:17:14# What I'm dying to say is that
0:17:14 > 0:17:18# I'm crazy for you
0:17:18 > 0:17:22# Touch me once and you'll know it's true
0:17:22 > 0:17:27# I never wanted anyone like this
0:17:27 > 0:17:29# It's all brand-new
0:17:29 > 0:17:32# You'll feel it in my kiss
0:17:32 > 0:17:34# You'll feel it in my kiss
0:17:34 > 0:17:38# Because I'm crazy for you
0:17:38 > 0:17:43# Touch me once and you'll know it's true
0:17:43 > 0:17:47# I never wanted anyone like this
0:17:47 > 0:17:49# It's all brand-new
0:17:49 > 0:17:53# You'll feel it in my kiss
0:17:53 > 0:17:58# I'm crazy for you
0:17:58 > 0:18:02# Crazy for you
0:18:04 > 0:18:06# Crazy for you
0:18:11 > 0:18:14# It's all brand-new
0:18:14 > 0:18:16# I'm crazy for you
0:18:16 > 0:18:18# You know it's true
0:18:18 > 0:18:20# I'm crazy... #
0:18:20 > 0:18:24# Make dreams come true with Garden Tiles! #
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Elsie, which way now? Left or right?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Straight on!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32What, through the pub?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Oh, no. No, no, no, you've passed it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Go back on yourself.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Make a U and then straight on.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I might as well drive straight to work, at this rate.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45MUSIC: How 'Bout Us by Champaign
0:18:45 > 0:18:51# No sense in draggin' on past our needs
0:18:51 > 0:18:55# Let's don't keep it hangin' on... #
0:18:55 > 0:18:59You should put me on your Christmas team this year, Mr Redmond.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I could be your Mrs Santa Claus.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04SHE GIGGLES
0:19:07 > 0:19:11(Mr Redmond, Kayleigh's asleep.)
0:19:11 > 0:19:16# Some people can love one another for life
0:19:16 > 0:19:18# How 'bout us? #
0:19:18 > 0:19:20SHE LAUGHS
0:19:20 > 0:19:23# Some people can hold it together... #
0:19:23 > 0:19:25# I think we're alone now... #
0:19:27 > 0:19:29SHE GIGGLES
0:19:29 > 0:19:31# Can we? #
0:19:31 > 0:19:38Aye, Mrs Santa Claus, sat down all day, that'd be the ticket.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41You could come in my grotto...
0:19:41 > 0:19:4325/7.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Think about it.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Think...about...it.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I'll... I'll think about it, all right?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Oh, anything to get me away from
0:19:54 > 0:19:57standing in that fucking deli all day long.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00My oul' knees are shot.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Here, when we get to the house,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04you're going to have to walk me to my door.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Walk you to your door?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I just said to you, my knees are shot!
0:20:07 > 0:20:13There's nobody else to help me since my Eddie left me in the shit.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15He shacked up with his physio.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Massaging his stump, my brown eye...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20And under my nose, too!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23She's supposed to be helping him to walk, not walk out on me.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28She's just after his benefits and his raspberry ripple badge,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30the dirty Welsh whore!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35You live and you learn.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37You do that.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40# How 'bout us? How about us, baby?
0:20:40 > 0:20:41# How 'bout us?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43# How 'bout us, baby? #
0:20:43 > 0:20:46You live on your own, don't you?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48What?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49You live on your own.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Yeah, yeah, I do, yeah.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It's hard, isn't it?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Here, listen to me,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03seriously,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07if ever you want to go halfsies on a Pot Noodle,
0:21:07 > 0:21:08you just let me know.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13# How 'bout us, baby?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16# Some people can hold it together... #
0:21:16 > 0:21:18ENGINE RUMBLES
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Right, we're here.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24'Forever FM news...'
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Finally.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I tell you, I'd have been quicker walking.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30You're welcome.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35Oh, bloody hell, there's my whole life all over the floor.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Here, is that my Nutri-Grain?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Just take it. Take the Nutri-Grain.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Right, Kayleigh, love, I will see you soon.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Mm-hmm.- We'll have to have a girls' night out, eh?
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Def. That will be a right laugh.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Oh, they can do a lot of things, our kid,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51but they cannot stop us laughing.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52They can't.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54They broke the mould when they made you, Elsie.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Didn't they, John?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57They shut the factory.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Oh...
0:21:59 > 0:22:01You hang onto this one.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03He is a keeper.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I would ride him like I had stole him if I was you.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I am here. I can hear you.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Well, are you going to walk me up my path, Mr Lover-Lover?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13GIGGLING
0:22:13 > 0:22:14What do you...?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Laters.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- Elsie, your trophy. - For God's sake...
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Bless. Nighty-night.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Lock your doors. It's like the bloody Bronx round here.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I've just seen a pram on fire back there.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32MUSIC: Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird by Will To Power
0:22:32 > 0:22:33# Wanna tell you I love your... #
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Here, hold that.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Where have you been?
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Where have I been?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54The bloody headcase is running a bath for me now.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55I just walked out.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- WITH MOUTH FULL:- She's a nightmare.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Nightmare? You said they broke the mould.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01You wanted to give her a lift home.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I thought she'd never stop talking, John.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I know. "I'm saying nothing,"
0:23:05 > 0:23:07and then she never shut her bloody mouth.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Well, she's a right nosy cow -
0:23:09 > 0:23:11just wants to know everyone's business.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Eh? What about Joyce Chung's vagina?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I'm saying nothing.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22MUSIC: A Groovy Kind Of Love by Phil Collins
0:23:32 > 0:23:35# When I'm feeling blue
0:23:35 > 0:23:38# All I have to do
0:23:38 > 0:23:42# Is take a look at you
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# Then I'm not so blue
0:23:45 > 0:23:49# When I'm in your arms
0:23:49 > 0:23:52# Nothing seems to matter... #
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Here you are - home, sweet home.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Oh, quick, put your foot down. Keep going.- Why?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Cos he's still up and about with his bike.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Does the man not sleep?
0:24:03 > 0:24:04He'd sleep out here if he could.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Just, quick, drive past. Quick, go down there.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Let's have a minute.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Have a minute?
0:24:11 > 0:24:12We've had five hours.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21# We've got a groovy kind of love... #
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Are you all right?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I was just checking the...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36So...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Mm-hmm.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Apparently, we're the talk of the shop.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Aye.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46According to Elsie, the woman who says nothing...
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Mmm.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I'll believe that when I see it.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50'Late-night love songs...'
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- We've got tongues wagging, John. - '..Forever FM. (Forever FM.)'
0:24:53 > 0:24:56# Feels like... #
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Don't you love this song?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Donna Lewis, '95... - Listen to the words.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03MUSIC: I Love You Always Forever by Donna Lewis
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- # Of light mists - And rain is
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- # Of pale amber rose - Pale afternoons
0:25:11 > 0:25:14# Feels like
0:25:14 > 0:25:18# I'm lost in a deep cloud...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# Of heavenly smell
0:25:21 > 0:25:24# Touching, discovering you... #
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Are you laughing?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28You're drunk.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- I'm not drunk.- You're so drunk.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31I'm not drunk!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34You're not drunk? You're leathered.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35- I am a bit.- You are.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36A little bit drunk.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- You're leathered. - A little bit tiddly.- Steaming!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- KAYLEIGH LAUGHS - Nice-drunk.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42- Mm-hmm.- Fluffy.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44I'm fluffy-drunk.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Funny. I don't know about fluffy, but you're funny-drunk.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- Am I?- Yeah.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Do I make you laugh?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Yeah, you do, very much.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Do I make you happy?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Yeah.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Yeah, you do, very much.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- # I don't want a lot for Christmas... #- Oh!
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Who's that? What? Mariah Carey?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15No. It's Elsie.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Oh, no. Oh, no, don't answer it. Bloody hell, don't answer it.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- Ignore it. Ignore her.- Should I?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Yes, ignore her. Trust me, ignore her.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- No, no, no, no, no.- Oh, no. - John, John, John, John...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Hiya. Are you all right?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32What's the matter?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Are you all right, Elsie? You sound...
0:26:34 > 0:26:36She left her inhaler.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Has she left her inhaler?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40I don't know. I don't know!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- Oh, no...- Hold on a minute.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Oh, yeah, you have, Elsie. It's here on the floor.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- I've got it.- Bloody hell.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Wh-what? Don't worry, John will give it you.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Tell her I'll bring it in to work in four hours.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Bring it in to work in four...
0:26:56 > 0:26:58She says she wants it now.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Christ. We'll be in work in three hours, can she not wait?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04She sounds in a bad way. She can't breathe.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Good.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I'm...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I'm on my way, tell her.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13He's on his way, Elsie. Sit tight, love. Yeah.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Yeah, he'll be with you in a bit. OK. I'll tell him.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20She said ta very much, and you've still got her fork.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24MUSIC: Oh Patti by Scritti Politti
0:27:24 > 0:27:25All right?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- You'd best go.- Mmm.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30John to the rescue.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31My hero.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33John the bloody mug, more like.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Well, I'll see you in the morning.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36The morning?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I'll pick you up in two hours.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42ENGINE RUMBLES
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# Don't lead the life that I left you with
0:27:45 > 0:27:50# Listen to the cars call in the rain
0:27:53 > 0:27:57# I got so tired of concluding
0:27:57 > 0:28:01# That there's nothing for us to conclude
0:28:02 > 0:28:07# Oh, Patti, don't look for certainty in your life
0:28:07 > 0:28:11# I've gone where a lost cause can be found
0:28:13 > 0:28:17# And don't feel sorry for lover boy
0:28:17 > 0:28:21# You know, he wants the world to love him
0:28:21 > 0:28:24# Then he goes and spoils it all
0:28:24 > 0:28:28# Don't feel sorry for lover boy
0:28:28 > 0:28:32# He wants the world to love him
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# Then he goes and spoils it all for love. #