Episode 3

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0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:04 > 0:00:08- 'That's what I was thinking.'- We're on just before the raffle?- 'Yeah, unless it rains.'

0:00:08 > 0:00:10- Why?- Are we outside? 'It's a gymkhana, man. Everything's outside.'

0:00:10 > 0:00:13Bloody hell! They won't want anything too rocky, then, will they?

0:00:13 > 0:00:16'We'll dust off the old wedding sets.

0:00:16 > 0:00:19- 'Swap Sweet Child O' Mine for Cotton Eye Joe - sorted.'- Good call.

0:00:19 > 0:00:23I'll pack my Stetson. They'll lap all that up in a field, won't they?

0:00:23 > 0:00:26- 'Too right.' - What time you coming over for me?

0:00:26 > 0:00:28'Hmm... Half one?

0:00:28 > 0:00:30'Go over the tops, unpack, sound check.'

0:00:30 > 0:00:33Half one? You're cutting it fine for a gymkhana.

0:00:33 > 0:00:37- 'We're not on until after dog agility.'- Who are they? A band?

0:00:37 > 0:00:40'No, it's dogs walking on beams and shit, jumping through hoops.'

0:00:40 > 0:00:43Oh, Christ almighty, Jim! What are we doing?

0:00:43 > 0:00:45'Hey, you never know who'll be there!'

0:00:45 > 0:00:47You say that every time. I know exactly who'll be there -

0:00:47 > 0:00:50a load of screaming kids and whingeing pensioners.

0:00:50 > 0:00:53'Pays the bills. Anyway, you not bringing your bird?'

0:00:53 > 0:00:57- Get lost.- 'What? I'll stick her on guest list.'

0:00:57 > 0:00:59- She's not my bird, all right? - 'Not your bird?'

0:00:59 > 0:01:03'You drive 45 minutes out of your way to pick her up every morning!'

0:01:03 > 0:01:06- And?- 'And? So she's clearly your bird, then.

0:01:06 > 0:01:11- 'Unless you're running a minicab on the sly. Hey, is she fit?'- Thin ice!

0:01:11 > 0:01:13'Cos if she is, she can help us unload van.'

0:01:13 > 0:01:17- I'll see you Saturday. - 'Hey, does your phone do this?'

0:01:17 > 0:01:19DISCONNECTION TONE Dickhead!

0:01:19 > 0:01:22- RADIO:- 'That's due to power problems on the Bury line,

0:01:22 > 0:01:26'so best thing to do - just check with your train company before heading there.

0:01:26 > 0:01:30'Forever FM traffic and travel with Brighter Day Careers,

0:01:30 > 0:01:34'moving your career in the right direction. Forwards.

0:01:34 > 0:01:37'When you look down, do you see the perfect breasts

0:01:37 > 0:01:40'or do you see pure disappointment?'

0:01:41 > 0:01:43- ENGINE REVS You can hear it, can't you?- Yeah.

0:01:48 > 0:01:50- It's shagged.- Yeah.- Feel that.

0:01:50 > 0:01:52Christ! That's hot, in't it?

0:01:52 > 0:01:56Hotter than July. She shouldn't be firing up like that.

0:01:56 > 0:01:59- No, not at that age. No way! - It'll be the pistons, I tell thee.

0:01:59 > 0:02:03- Do you reckon?- Aye. - Strip that compressor down.

0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Here she is - Bridget Jones.- Don't!

0:02:05 > 0:02:06- Morning.- Hiya.

0:02:09 > 0:02:11- You ready?- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Come on, then.

0:02:11 > 0:02:15- Yeah, try stripping compressor down.- I'll give it a go.- Yeah.

0:02:15 > 0:02:17Open her up, see if she bites.

0:02:17 > 0:02:21- See you, Steve.- All right, pal. See you.- See you.- See you, love.

0:02:25 > 0:02:26Ooh!

0:02:29 > 0:02:32- These yours? - No, they're our Sophie's.

0:02:32 > 0:02:35She had them on last night for Beavers' Got Talent.

0:02:35 > 0:02:39- Went as Little Lady Gaga. - Aw, that's cute!

0:02:42 > 0:02:46- Did she win?- No, she came second to a couple of pole dancers.

0:02:46 > 0:02:50- At Beavers? - I don't know what they were wearing.

0:02:50 > 0:02:53MUSIC: Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B Hawkins

0:03:02 > 0:03:04SHE SIGHS

0:03:04 > 0:03:07So not in the mood for this today.

0:03:08 > 0:03:11Don't know about you - I could just do with a day off.

0:03:11 > 0:03:14- You say that every day. - But I mean it today.

0:03:14 > 0:03:17- You say that every day as well. - But I really do.

0:03:17 > 0:03:21- You've got an easy day today, haven't you?- Yeah, so-so.

0:03:21 > 0:03:23What is it you're doing?

0:03:23 > 0:03:27I've just got to drop some paperwork over to Wigan.

0:03:27 > 0:03:29Why don't you just stick it in the post and have the day off?

0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Cos I want to catch up with Ian Litchfield.- Who?

0:03:34 > 0:03:38- Do you not read the newsletter?- Oh, God, no.- He's an old mate of mine.

0:03:38 > 0:03:40He's got store manager over there.

0:03:40 > 0:03:44Wants me to give him some pointers on his world food aisle. Wink-wink!

0:03:44 > 0:03:47Probably sink a full English while we're at it.

0:03:47 > 0:03:49Got a cracking Granary over there, apparently.

0:03:49 > 0:03:53Just reading about it last night on TripAdvisor. Highly recommended.

0:03:54 > 0:03:56It's all right for some.

0:03:56 > 0:04:00I'm still doing two for one on Dairylea Dunkers.

0:04:00 > 0:04:02Oh, God, I can't cope with that again.

0:04:02 > 0:04:04I think I'll phone up and throw a sickie.

0:04:04 > 0:04:06I've told you, don't be saying that to me.

0:04:06 > 0:04:09SHE SCOFFS What? I'm serious. I'm management.

0:04:09 > 0:04:11Yeah, and you're bunking off to Wigan for a full English.

0:04:11 > 0:04:14- That's different - that's work. - Oh, work schmurk!

0:04:14 > 0:04:17- You're just having a jolly. Why don't you just sack it off?- What?

0:04:17 > 0:04:21- Sack it off and have the day off with me.- Are you on glue?

0:04:21 > 0:04:25- How suss would that look?- What?! - Us both being off, same time.

0:04:25 > 0:04:27Well, you're practically off anyway.

0:04:27 > 0:04:32- I could throw a sickie and come with you.- To Wigan?- Yeah.

0:04:32 > 0:04:36And then we could go somewhere. Look at this weather!

0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Oh, come on. We'll have a laugh.- I just...

0:04:40 > 0:04:43I just can't take day off. I'm management.

0:04:43 > 0:04:44Yeah, you keep telling me,

0:04:44 > 0:04:46but that's all the more reason for you to.

0:04:46 > 0:04:50- No-one'll be checking up on you and I don't give a shit.- Clearly.

0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Come on.- What about Litchy?- Who?

0:04:53 > 0:04:55Ian Litchfield in Wigan.

0:04:55 > 0:04:58- Why? Does he want to come with us? - Don't be smart!

0:04:58 > 0:04:59No, I can't.

0:04:59 > 0:05:02I've got to drop this paperwork off.

0:05:02 > 0:05:05Well, you can still see him and I'll just wait in the car.

0:05:05 > 0:05:10- You've got it all sussed out, haven't you? Eh?- Come on, John.

0:05:10 > 0:05:12What's a few hours?

0:05:12 > 0:05:16Nobody'll miss you. You're on half a day anyway.

0:05:16 > 0:05:20Come on, let's go! Look at this. We don't want to be queueing for work.

0:05:20 > 0:05:22Let's go. Let's have the day off.

0:05:22 > 0:05:25Give yourself a break - you deserve it.

0:05:25 > 0:05:26You never do anything for yourself.

0:05:28 > 0:05:31Ah, true. Listening to this shit every day.

0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Exactly.- I am my own worst enemy. - You are.

0:05:34 > 0:05:37I've told you. I tell you that all the time.

0:05:37 > 0:05:39When was the last time you did something for yourself?

0:05:40 > 0:05:43- I've just ordered a NutriBullet. - Oh, whoopy-doo(!)

0:05:43 > 0:05:44Do a bit of juicing.

0:05:45 > 0:05:50- I'll tell you what needs juicing, John - life.- Eh?

0:05:50 > 0:05:53You need to squeeze every last drop out of it.

0:05:53 > 0:05:57Come on, have the day off! Let's live a little.

0:05:57 > 0:06:00It's not going to hurt. What's the worst that could happen?

0:06:02 > 0:06:05- RADIO:- 'I like it for lunch, I like it for tea, I like it for supper - whenever.

0:06:05 > 0:06:08'I love those chocolaty ones and once you've finished eating them,

0:06:08 > 0:06:10'you can drink the milk.

0:06:10 > 0:06:12'It's like having a chocolate milkshake - lovely.

0:06:12 > 0:06:16'This is Forever FM playing timeless hits, with INXS - Disappear.'

0:06:20 > 0:06:24- Do you have to do this now? - Don't worry. I do this all the time.

0:06:26 > 0:06:29Just have to phone before half-past so they can get cover.

0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Christ, you've got this off to a fine art, this.- Thank you.

0:06:32 > 0:06:36- Years of practice.- I'm not party to this. I'm not listening.

0:06:36 > 0:06:39- It's ringing.- No. SHE CLEARS THROAT

0:06:39 > 0:06:43- No.- I hope Simon's on. I'll just tell him I've got lady problems.

0:06:43 > 0:06:45He usually can't get off the phone quick enough.

0:06:45 > 0:06:47- WEAKLY:- Oh, hello, Debbie.

0:06:47 > 0:06:48Plan B.

0:06:48 > 0:06:50You all right?

0:06:50 > 0:06:53Oh, sorry for phoning, but I thought I'd better.

0:06:54 > 0:06:56Oh, do I sound terrible?

0:06:56 > 0:06:58SHE MOUTHS

0:06:58 > 0:07:00I feel absolutely dreadful, Debs.

0:07:00 > 0:07:03Yeah, I don't know if I've eaten something dodgy or what,

0:07:03 > 0:07:07but it's coming out of both ends now. Yeah.

0:07:08 > 0:07:10Oh! Sandra's off with a bug?

0:07:13 > 0:07:14That must be it, then, yeah.

0:07:14 > 0:07:18I had a swig of her juice yesterday, now you mention it.

0:07:18 > 0:07:20Yeah, I have, all night, Debs. It's ruined me.

0:07:21 > 0:07:24- I feel very weak now, Debs. - HE MOUTHS

0:07:24 > 0:07:27I think I'm just going to get my head down for a bit,

0:07:27 > 0:07:29sleep it off, yeah.

0:07:29 > 0:07:34OK, yeah. I'm sure I'll be back in tomorrow. Thanks, Debs. OK, bye.

0:07:34 > 0:07:35SHE RETCHES

0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Bye. Bye. - SHE RETCHES

0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Sorted!- Oh, you...

0:07:40 > 0:07:44- You're unbelievable, you.- What can I say? I'm wasted in promotions.

0:07:44 > 0:07:47How do you sleep at night? Oh, sorry, you don't.

0:07:47 > 0:07:51- I forgot, it's coming out of both ends.- Oh, grow a pair.

0:07:53 > 0:07:56Come on. I've done my bit, I've rung in sick.

0:07:57 > 0:07:59Come on - have the day off.

0:08:00 > 0:08:02- HE SIGHS - Go on. John!

0:08:02 > 0:08:04I... I don't...

0:08:04 > 0:08:06What if someone from work sees us?

0:08:06 > 0:08:09Well, then, we'll see them, and why aren't they at work?

0:08:13 > 0:08:14Go on.

0:08:15 > 0:08:17I'll need some air in me tyres.

0:08:17 > 0:08:18SHE SQUEALS

0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Sorted?- You've got changed. Where'd you get your clothes from?

0:08:35 > 0:08:38Er, top's from New Look. Jeans are from Dorothy Perkins.

0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Smart arse! Where did you get changed?- In the toilets.

0:08:41 > 0:08:43Oh, they're minging, John.

0:08:43 > 0:08:46- And what's in your bag?- I've got us some little treats for the road.

0:08:46 > 0:08:49I've got Revels, Werther's...

0:08:49 > 0:08:52- You've played me like a bloody banjo, haven't you?- What?!

0:08:56 > 0:09:00So, what do you reckon - Seaview Safari or Puzzle Palace?

0:09:00 > 0:09:03- I don't fancy Flamingo Land in heels, do you?- What are those?

0:09:03 > 0:09:06Two-for-one vouchers, thanks to Dairylea Dunkers.

0:09:06 > 0:09:09- You're unbelievable, you. - Oh, ssh, John!

0:09:09 > 0:09:12If we're going to have a day out, we might as well get some money off.

0:09:12 > 0:09:14I told you, life's for squeezing.

0:09:14 > 0:09:16Here, suck a Werther's.

0:09:16 > 0:09:19No, thank you. Horrible things.

0:09:21 > 0:09:25MUSIC: Lost Weekend by Lloyd Cole and the Commotions

0:09:49 > 0:09:53'Lloyd Cole and the Commotions and a Lost Weekend on Forever FM.

0:09:53 > 0:09:56'So, here we go with the Forever FM Golden Hour. But what year is it?

0:09:56 > 0:09:59'It was the year that IKEA opened their first store in Britain

0:09:59 > 0:10:01'and I've still got a screw loose.

0:10:01 > 0:10:04'In Beirut, special envoy Terry Waite was kidnapped

0:10:04 > 0:10:07'and tied to a radiator for four years,

0:10:07 > 0:10:10'so he would have missed out on these two pop condiments...'

0:10:10 > 0:10:12I've never been to the Wigan store before.

0:10:12 > 0:10:15- '..but what was the year?'- 1988.

0:10:19 > 0:10:21Look at this!

0:10:22 > 0:10:26MUSIC: Push It by Salt 'n' Pepa

0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Every store must have to have one. - John! Don't say that!- What?

0:10:29 > 0:10:31I'm not being racist.

0:10:31 > 0:10:33I'm talking about Chippendale trolley collectors.

0:10:33 > 0:10:36Have a bloody calendar out next.

0:10:37 > 0:10:40I'd take 12 months of that any day of the week.

0:10:40 > 0:10:42Ooh-hoo-hoo!

0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Oh, Christ, it's Litchy. Quick, get your head down.- Why?

0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Just get your head down. What's he going to think?- About what?

0:10:54 > 0:10:56About you - you're supposed to be off sick. Get down there.

0:10:56 > 0:11:00- He doesn't even know who I am, John. - It's not the point. Get down there.

0:11:00 > 0:11:02This is ridiculous!

0:11:04 > 0:11:08- All right, Litchy?- Hey, you all right, John?- How's it going?

0:11:08 > 0:11:12- Not bad. Good to see you. You're looking well.- Yeah, not so bad.

0:11:12 > 0:11:16- It must be agreeing with you. - What's that?- Being in lurve!

0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Come again?- I've heard all about you and your car-share buddy.- Oh, aye?

0:11:19 > 0:11:24- What have you heard?- Car sharing? Bloody bed sharing, more like? Eh?

0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Come on, spill the beans. - I'd sooner eat some.

0:11:27 > 0:11:30- This Granary open or what?- You're a sly old bugger, you, John Redmond.

0:11:30 > 0:11:35- Tell me about it.- Exactly, you tell me about it. Tell me all about it.

0:11:35 > 0:11:38- There's nowt to tell. - Hey, you're a dark horse.

0:11:38 > 0:11:41I'd sooner eat one. Time for a full English or what?

0:11:41 > 0:11:43I'm sure I could pull a few strings.

0:11:43 > 0:11:46I bet you've been doing a bit of pulling yourself recently, eh?

0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!- I'll pull your fucking head off, son,

0:11:48 > 0:11:52- if you don't change the subject. Caprice?- All right, touched a nerve.

0:11:52 > 0:11:55Only having a laugh. Come on. Follow me.

0:11:55 > 0:11:57Just hang on, let me get this paperwork.

0:11:57 > 0:11:58(Knobhead.)

0:12:02 > 0:12:05Here, pass me that paperwork, will you? Keep your head down.

0:12:05 > 0:12:08- I won't be long.- Hurry up. It's roasting in here.

0:12:08 > 0:12:12- Well, open the window. Dogs die in hot cars.- Cheeky bas...

0:12:12 > 0:12:15Right. Let's get a sausage in me.

0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Hmm, is that what she said? - Just get in the door!

0:12:39 > 0:12:40Sorry I was so...

0:12:40 > 0:12:42Where's she...?

0:12:47 > 0:12:51- Hiya.- Where are you?- I'm coming now. - I told you to stay in the car.

0:12:51 > 0:12:56- All right, Isis. I needed a wee. You were ages!- No, I weren't ages.

0:12:56 > 0:13:00I'm having a Magnum. Chill! I just saw you stuff your face.

0:13:00 > 0:13:03You'll get me shot. You're supposed to be sick. What if somebody sees you?

0:13:03 > 0:13:05No-one knows me here.

0:13:05 > 0:13:08- If I go down for this, I'm taking you with me.- Oh, get a grip.

0:13:08 > 0:13:10We're hardly Thelma and Louise, are we?

0:13:10 > 0:13:14- What's worst could happen?- Instant dismissal without statutory pay.

0:13:15 > 0:13:18'Very big competition starting next week.

0:13:18 > 0:13:21'Tell you all about it after this, Climie Fisher and Love Changes.

0:13:21 > 0:13:22'Forever FM.'

0:13:22 > 0:13:25MUSIC: Love Changes (Everything) by Climie Fisher

0:13:31 > 0:13:34I'm so excited! Come here! Mwah!

0:13:34 > 0:13:37Give over, will you? Driving down a road.

0:13:37 > 0:13:39Having the day off in A&E with those kind of stunts.

0:13:40 > 0:13:42How are you feeling?

0:13:43 > 0:13:47- Like dancing on the ceiling. - I'm excited!

0:13:47 > 0:13:50- It does you good to let your hair down.- I do let my hair down.

0:13:50 > 0:13:52Christ, you make me out to be a right misery.

0:13:52 > 0:13:56Come on, what was the last reckless thing you did?

0:13:56 > 0:14:01- Picked you up this morning.- No, come on, seriously.- I'm always reckless.

0:14:01 > 0:14:06- I'm reckless all the time. Reckless Redmond, they call me.- Who does?

0:14:06 > 0:14:08Every bugger! I'm in a band, for Christ's sake.

0:14:08 > 0:14:12Can't get more reckless than that. Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll!

0:14:12 > 0:14:16- Have you got any gigs coming up? - Gymkhana in Clitheroe on Saturday.

0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Rock'n'roll(!) - I know, tell me about it.

0:14:20 > 0:14:23- We're on after dog agility. - Oh, wow, the dancers?

0:14:23 > 0:14:25No, that's Diversity, that.

0:14:25 > 0:14:28Gone straight down the shit pan.

0:14:28 > 0:14:32Face painting and fruit scones and multi-neurons. How the mighty fall!

0:14:32 > 0:14:34I've shared a stage with Mark King, I have.

0:14:34 > 0:14:35Who?

0:14:35 > 0:14:37Mark King.

0:14:37 > 0:14:42Kingy, the King. Level 42, Lessons In Love. Kingy.

0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Does he play tambourine? - No, he plays the bloody bass.

0:14:45 > 0:14:47Can't do that - I'm driving, aren't I?

0:14:47 > 0:14:49I've never heard of him.

0:14:49 > 0:14:51HE SCOFFS Sacrilege!

0:14:55 > 0:14:56Shall we play a game?

0:14:56 > 0:14:59- We're already playing a dangerous game, bunking off work.- A car game.

0:14:59 > 0:15:02Did you never play car games on long journeys as a kid?

0:15:02 > 0:15:05- We never had a car.- Did you not?

0:15:05 > 0:15:08Mum could drive but we never got one.

0:15:08 > 0:15:09Did your dad not drive?

0:15:11 > 0:15:13He had his forklift licence.

0:15:13 > 0:15:17- Couldn't go too far in one of them. - We always had a car.

0:15:17 > 0:15:21We used to play I Spy, see how many red cars we could spot,

0:15:21 > 0:15:24used to try and get people to wave.

0:15:24 > 0:15:26I bet the hours flew by(!)

0:15:26 > 0:15:28Shall we play the yes-no game?

0:15:28 > 0:15:29- No.- I win.

0:15:46 > 0:15:49'..paper plant in St Helens today. At least ten fire engines...'

0:15:49 > 0:15:51Ooh, I've not been here for years.

0:15:51 > 0:15:54Last time was in fourth year, I think,

0:15:54 > 0:15:56with my neighbour Kath and her son Pat.

0:15:56 > 0:15:58Was he named after the peanut butter?

0:15:59 > 0:16:00Don't get it.

0:16:00 > 0:16:02Never mind.

0:16:03 > 0:16:06Right. I'll go and pay. My treat.

0:16:10 > 0:16:12'And a report out today suggests that drivers

0:16:12 > 0:16:14'across the north-west of England...'

0:16:14 > 0:16:15Cheese!

0:16:16 > 0:16:17Thank you.

0:16:23 > 0:16:27- I've just had a selfie with a giraffe!- Huh?- What are you doing?

0:16:27 > 0:16:30What am I doing? Keeping my head down - that's what I'm doing.

0:16:30 > 0:16:31You look even more suspicious in that.

0:16:31 > 0:16:34As long as no-one sees me, I'm not bothered.

0:16:34 > 0:16:37- Oh, balls!- What?

0:16:37 > 0:16:39Cut the giraffe's head off!

0:16:42 > 0:16:43When's that happened?

0:16:48 > 0:16:53Do you want summat to eat? I've got sandwiches, snacks...

0:16:53 > 0:16:57- Where did you get all that from? - Packed 'em this morning.

0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Flipping heck!- What?- You know what!

0:17:01 > 0:17:03What have you got?

0:17:03 > 0:17:09I've got, er, tuna sandwiches and Babybels, cheese strings,

0:17:09 > 0:17:11some yogurts, Petits Filous, Munch Bunch.

0:17:11 > 0:17:14I forgot a spoon, though, so you'll have to suck it up.

0:17:14 > 0:17:18Christ, how much have you got in that bag? You're like Mary bastard Poppins.

0:17:18 > 0:17:20I've also got Pom-Bears...

0:17:20 > 0:17:22Pom-Bears? How old are you?

0:17:22 > 0:17:26Our Mandy gets them in for Alfie and Chloe's packed lunch.

0:17:27 > 0:17:29I'll have some Pom-Bears.

0:17:29 > 0:17:31'This is Forever FM.'

0:17:31 > 0:17:34MUSIC: Don't Get Me Wrong by The Pretenders

0:17:41 > 0:17:47- Look at rhinos here. I bet these lads don't need any Viagra.- Why?

0:17:47 > 0:17:48They've got the horn.

0:17:53 > 0:17:58- What are they?- I don't know. I can't see their markings.

0:17:58 > 0:18:00Hark at you, David Attenborough!

0:18:01 > 0:18:03What? I'm just saying!

0:18:06 > 0:18:10- Aw!- Aw! What's black and white and eats like a horse?

0:18:10 > 0:18:11That fella!

0:18:14 > 0:18:17Hello! HORN BEEPS

0:18:18 > 0:18:22Hello! Would you like a Revel, too? Would you?

0:18:24 > 0:18:25Don't give him a coffee one.

0:18:26 > 0:18:29Oh, see? He heard me. He's off.

0:18:31 > 0:18:32And these idiots here.

0:18:34 > 0:18:37Move up. Oh, bugger this!

0:18:38 > 0:18:40Christ, get out of the way!

0:18:40 > 0:18:44- Get round 'em!- Only you could get road rage in a safari park!

0:18:44 > 0:18:47- They've been sat there for half an hour.- So?

0:18:49 > 0:18:50All right.

0:18:50 > 0:18:54Got to have some balls to work here, haven't you, with these animals?

0:18:54 > 0:18:57Looks like your man - what were he called? What were his name?

0:18:57 > 0:19:01- He was with animals.- Dr Dolittle? - No, Australian fella.

0:19:01 > 0:19:05- Rolf Harris?- No. Don't know.

0:19:06 > 0:19:08Bugging me now. Australian fella. Right nutter.

0:19:09 > 0:19:14- Steve... Steve Irwin!- Ooh, I used to like him.- Yeah, I did.

0:19:14 > 0:19:17Saturday dinnertimes. Frightened of nothing, that man.

0:19:17 > 0:19:19Didn't one of his animals kill him?

0:19:19 > 0:19:23- Yeah, stingray, stabbed him through heart. Ooh!- That's awful!

0:19:23 > 0:19:26Mind you, I suppose that's how he would have wanted to die.

0:19:26 > 0:19:28Eh?

0:19:28 > 0:19:30Stabbed through heart by a stingray? You reckon?

0:19:31 > 0:19:34I'm sure he'd have rather gone in his sleep.

0:19:37 > 0:19:39Look at this - lion preserve.

0:19:41 > 0:19:43Now you're talking!

0:19:43 > 0:19:49- Aren't they gorgeous?- Aren't they? Bloody hell, eh?

0:19:49 > 0:19:50Look at that!

0:19:50 > 0:19:54Nature's television. King of the jungle, them.

0:19:54 > 0:19:55Who made 'em king?

0:19:55 > 0:19:58They did themselves - they ate every bugger else.

0:19:58 > 0:20:00Look what he's eating here - like a rack of ribs!

0:20:02 > 0:20:05Makes you want to go veggie, doesn't it?

0:20:05 > 0:20:08- It's them or us.- John!- It is.

0:20:09 > 0:20:13- You're eating tuna - you can talk! - Tuna isn't meat.

0:20:13 > 0:20:15Tell that to a dolphin.

0:20:25 > 0:20:28MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEECH

0:20:38 > 0:20:40Bloody hell! Look at all these!

0:20:42 > 0:20:46Aw! Come on! Come to your auntie Kayleigh.

0:20:48 > 0:20:49THEY YELL

0:20:49 > 0:20:52It's on the car! HORN BEEPS

0:20:52 > 0:20:53SHE YELLS

0:20:53 > 0:20:58- ..mighty! Wipers on!- Don't! You'll scare it.- Hip-yay! Uh!

0:20:58 > 0:21:01There should be signs up. This place has gone downhill.

0:21:01 > 0:21:03- I'd love to have a little monkey. Wouldn't you?- No, I w...

0:21:03 > 0:21:05Ah! Ah!

0:21:05 > 0:21:08Oh, oh, they're fighting! They're fighting! Ooh!

0:21:08 > 0:21:11Oh, they're on the back!

0:21:11 > 0:21:13- ..the frig?- Trying to get in!

0:21:14 > 0:21:16- Uh! Uh!- They're everywhere!

0:21:16 > 0:21:20- Hello. Hello. - This is not a good day out!

0:21:21 > 0:21:23Look at these! He's on your...

0:21:23 > 0:21:25- He's on your mirror! - Aw, look at him, John!

0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Get off!- John!

0:21:27 > 0:21:32- Bollocks to 'em! Look at this one on me wing mirror!- Aw, hello!

0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Off there now. - It's making me broody.

0:21:35 > 0:21:38- How's that making you broody? - Is it not you?

0:21:38 > 0:21:42Look at this one here with his dick out. Bold as brass! Oh, look at it!

0:21:42 > 0:21:44This is wrong, this! We should be at work!

0:21:44 > 0:21:47You'd rather be at work than see that?

0:21:48 > 0:21:52- What are you doing? Don't take a picture!- Our Mandy'll love that!

0:21:55 > 0:21:57She'll have that as her screensaver.

0:22:04 > 0:22:06Nice here, innit?

0:22:06 > 0:22:09Used to come here all time when I were a kid, with my dad.

0:22:09 > 0:22:11Used to get train over.

0:22:14 > 0:22:15So, er, now I've got you,

0:22:15 > 0:22:18and, er, since we're having a moment,

0:22:18 > 0:22:24- there's been something I've been meaning to talk to you about.- Hmm.

0:22:24 > 0:22:29- Sounds ominous.- I've been... I've been thinking about this a lot.

0:22:30 > 0:22:33No pressure, like.

0:22:33 > 0:22:35If you... If you're up for it...

0:22:35 > 0:22:39- Yeah!- ..do you fancy being on my Christmas team?

0:22:39 > 0:22:41- Oh, yeah.- What?

0:22:41 > 0:22:45- Yeah, I do.- I thought you'd be chuffed.

0:22:45 > 0:22:48- I am chuffed. I'm dead chuffed. - Well, tell your face!

0:22:48 > 0:22:51Flipping heck, it's all you've gone on about. You've not...

0:22:51 > 0:22:52What's that?

0:22:55 > 0:22:56What the hell's that?!

0:22:58 > 0:23:00What the fu...? Oh! MONKEY SNARLS

0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Get out quick! What? - There's a monkey on the roof!

0:23:04 > 0:23:09- Go on! Get off! Hip-yay!- Oh, it's a little baby one.- A little baby?

0:23:09 > 0:23:12- The bastard'll rip your face off. Get back!- Don't be daft.

0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Want some Curly Wurly? Yes, you do. - Don't give it a Curly Wurly!

0:23:15 > 0:23:18MONKEY GROWLS

0:23:19 > 0:23:23Christ, that were a struggle! Little swine!

0:23:23 > 0:23:25- You all right?- All right?

0:23:25 > 0:23:27I'm cut to bloody ribbons! Look at my clothes!

0:23:29 > 0:23:32This is every shade of wrong, this. We're going to get screwed for this.

0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Kidnapping a monkey's a serious crime.- It wasn't our fault!

0:23:36 > 0:23:38I can't believe we drove all the way with him on the roof

0:23:38 > 0:23:41- and nobody stopped us!- I wondered why all those cars were flashing us.

0:23:42 > 0:23:44How are we going to get him back?

0:23:45 > 0:23:47You'd think they'd notice a missing monkey.

0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Do they not do an 'eadcount? - Maybe he's not from there.

0:23:56 > 0:23:58Oh, no, it's closed!

0:23:58 > 0:24:01Closed? You're having a laugh.

0:24:01 > 0:24:03I've got a monkey on board - how can it be closed?

0:24:03 > 0:24:05There must be a number or something, anything.

0:24:05 > 0:24:08No, there's a website. Give us your phone.

0:24:09 > 0:24:12- No internet, nothing.- Ah! - Is there a number?

0:24:12 > 0:24:14Have you got a receipt, anything?

0:24:14 > 0:24:17Hold on, hold on, hold on. Here we go.

0:24:17 > 0:24:20- There's a number on the receipt, there.- That'll do. Hang on a minute.

0:24:22 > 0:24:25- What's it doing? - He's eating a Werther's!

0:24:25 > 0:24:29Jesus, get it off it! It'll choke. We can't bring it back if it's dead!

0:24:30 > 0:24:33Oh, it just spat it out. He doesn't like them either.

0:24:33 > 0:24:34No bugger does.

0:24:37 > 0:24:39Bluetooth.

0:24:39 > 0:24:41'Welcome to Seaview Safari Park.

0:24:41 > 0:24:43'Sorry, but we've all gone home for the day

0:24:43 > 0:24:46'and all our animals are tucked up in bed.'

0:24:46 > 0:24:47This one's not!

0:24:47 > 0:24:49'We're open every day except Christmas.

0:24:49 > 0:24:51'For more information, you can visit...'

0:24:51 > 0:24:54What about when you're shut? Nah! That can't be it.

0:24:54 > 0:24:58What kind of show are they running? I said this place had gone downhill.

0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Well, what are we going to do now? - Er...

0:25:01 > 0:25:03RSPCA? They do animals.

0:25:03 > 0:25:07- Can we not just call the police, let them deal with it?- The police?

0:25:07 > 0:25:10- We're supposed to be keeping a low profile!- Oh!

0:25:10 > 0:25:14- I'll just call 999. Is it an emergency?- Yeah, I'll say.

0:25:14 > 0:25:16I just nearly lost a nose. Little bastard.

0:25:16 > 0:25:18'Oh, this is a lovely raspberry compote tune.'

0:25:19 > 0:25:20OK, thanks. Bye.

0:25:20 > 0:25:22They'll be here as soon as they can.

0:25:22 > 0:25:26- That's all we need. - What are we doing?

0:25:26 > 0:25:30- I'm trying to get it to sleep. Is it working?- OMG!

0:25:30 > 0:25:34- You've got to get a picture of this, John.- Why? What's it doing?

0:25:34 > 0:25:39- He's got Sophie's sunglasses on. So cute!- Get them off his head!

0:25:39 > 0:25:43- Like a little Elton John. Clever! - I can't believe this is happening.

0:25:43 > 0:25:45It's like some shit comedy.

0:25:45 > 0:25:47MUSIC: Hips Don't Lie by Shakira featuring Wyclef Jean

0:25:47 > 0:25:52Turn music up. Put it to sleep. Hips Don't Lie.

0:25:53 > 0:25:56What? The dirty little bastard!

0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Hey, hey, hey!- What just happened?

0:25:59 > 0:26:01It just took a piss. That's what happened.

0:26:01 > 0:26:04John, is this dangerous? Have we got a monkey virus?

0:26:05 > 0:26:09Can you smell that? That's potent. That is strong piss.

0:26:11 > 0:26:13It's leaving its scent!

0:26:17 > 0:26:19Right, cheers, bud. Thanks.

0:26:24 > 0:26:25That's that.

0:26:26 > 0:26:29Oh! Did you hear it crying?

0:26:29 > 0:26:30Bollocks to it.

0:26:30 > 0:26:32Have you seen state of my back seat?

0:26:32 > 0:26:35It still stinks of piss in here. Smells like Sugar Puffs.

0:26:35 > 0:26:38I've a good mind to send 'em cleaning bill.

0:26:38 > 0:26:41- That bobby said it's happening twice a week.- What a shame!

0:26:41 > 0:26:44Back in its cage now.

0:26:44 > 0:26:46Do you think it'll miss us?

0:26:49 > 0:26:51No, I do not.

0:26:51 > 0:26:53MUSIC: Monkey by George Michael

0:26:53 > 0:26:55# Why can't you do it?

0:26:55 > 0:26:57# Why can't you set your monkey free?

0:26:57 > 0:26:59# Always giving in to it

0:26:59 > 0:27:02# Do you love your monkey or do you love me?

0:27:02 > 0:27:04# Why can't you do it?

0:27:04 > 0:27:07# Why do I have to share my baby with a monkey?

0:27:07 > 0:27:10# Monkey, monkey. #