0:00:26 > 0:00:28Will you please welcome the man himself,
0:00:28 > 0:00:29the one and only Mr Peter Kay.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Let's hear it.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Hello!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52How are you? How are you?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I'm bringing it over here with me.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- Take it with you.- Yeah, yeah.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20That might be one of your relations, Peter.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I know!
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Hello, darling. How are you? Lovely to see you.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Nice to see you, too.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- I think you dropped a ball. - I've dropped me balls.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29There you go.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Better cut that out.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Where are you? Where do I sit?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Sit on the couch, Peter - if you can in that.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Yes.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Happy Christmas!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Don't! I'll wee myself!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08We're not drunks here, we haven't had...
0:02:08 > 0:02:11He doesn't drink and I'm on the wagon.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Barbara doesn't drink, either.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15This is just good spirits, seriously.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18It's Christmas, it's Christmas.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Who have we got in tonight?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Let's have a look up here.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Come on, give us a wave.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29That lad's hit the jackpot.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30He's here with the wife.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Enjoy yourself, me old PayPal.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Who have we got down here?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41She's not taking any shit tonight, this one.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Don't hide behind your torch, love.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Watch her, she'll have you, she'll pounce on you.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47And her mate.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51There you go, anybody nice down here tonight?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I see young Terry Waite's in.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Nice to have a night out without the blindfold.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Hope it's not too bright for you.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03What about down here?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Oh, look, it's Gerry Adams in a trendy hoodie.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Oh, or is it George Lucas?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13You never see them both together, do you?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Never see them both together, I think you know what I'm saying.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22He's keen, he's keen.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Look at that lad!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Curtains?! What year is it?!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31You're twisting me melon, man, you talk so cheap.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Call the cops.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Oh, I feel like Anneka Rice on Treasure Hunt here.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Let's have a look, let's have a look.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Hello, my friend.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Never mind Ross Kemp On Gangs, Ross Kemp's on his knees here.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Can't get a seat.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Hello, over there, give us a wave.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Whoa, what have we got here? It's a human mountain.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Not a lie.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59This lad here will knock you on your arse.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03He's what known in stewarding as a BS -
0:04:03 > 0:04:04brick shithouse.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09You lot are in his patch and if he sees you even smiling,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11he'll have you.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I'nt that right, brother? He knows, he understands.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Who have we got here? Oh!
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Ooh, OK, you've a look of Susan Boyle, love.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Look at her! The absolute spit of her.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31You should think about doing a tribute act to her, love.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Incredible.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38And that's my fantastic audience in Glasgow tonight.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Thank you.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45It's a lookalike, calm down.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Su-Bo! Su...
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Come on, now, it's a lookalike, I've told you.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- That's him sorted out. - Feeling the pressure more than most
0:05:00 > 0:05:03is the club social secretary, Brian Potter.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06We caught up with him and the committee as they were debating
0:05:06 > 0:05:09the entertainment for the children's Christmas party.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10What about Nobby Allcock?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- No way.- Hear me out - I know he's blue but he does
0:05:13 > 0:05:16a smashing side-line in Punch and Judys for kids.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Yeah, what sort? We're not having him back after last Easter.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- He's filthy and he's - BLEEP- foul-mouthed.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Hey, there's no need for that language, please.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I've got a photograph of the wife in the wallet -
0:05:24 > 0:05:25can you curb your language?
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Look at me. National television looking like a right cock.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05No, you're looking...
0:06:05 > 0:06:06You look fabulous!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12OK, the Windy Dick, Den Perry's recommended him.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13The Windy Dick, he's called.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14- The Windy Dick?- Acrobat.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18But I Photostatted his biog for you, just chuck that out for me, please.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Direct from the streets of gay Paris, the Windy Dick is excitement.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25He has been thrilling audiences throughout the world
0:06:25 > 0:06:29for over a decade now. Self-taught acrobatics and balloon sculpture.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31A pure flight of fantasy with a whole host
0:06:31 > 0:06:34of unforgettable characters.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Cascade, Ricardo, Giorgio, his pet snake, which erupts from the mouth.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41That's all there is cos Marian unplugged the fax so she could hoover.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- What do you think of him? - I think the frog's a winner.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Balloons and all that, the kids will lap that up.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- Yeah.- Plus, if he's new, he'll be cheap.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50OK, all those in favour of the Windy Dick, please say aye.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Aye.- Aye.- Right, thanks for your attendance, gentlemen,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56and I declare this meeting closed. Thank you.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Things you miss about living at home. Why do mums call you
0:07:05 > 0:07:07by everyone else's name in family before they get to yours?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09What's all that about?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12"Pass me that, will you, Philip, Martin, Paul, John, James, Anne-Marie,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14"Peter, Peter."
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Anne-Marie?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21"Mum, I'm going out." "What should I say if anybody rings?"
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Well, I've gone out.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Things you don't miss -
0:07:32 > 0:07:36me mum shaving her legs with me Mach 3 Turbo.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39They don't show that on't advert, do they, mum in the bath?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"The new Mach 3 Turbo - smoother, too."
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I'm just having a shave, I'll be two minutes.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Aargh!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59"I haven't touched it." Haven't touched it?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03You've been planing a door frame with it is what you've been doing.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Missing face off here.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- RADIO:- Big, big drive home. So, today's tea-time teaser...
0:08:09 > 0:08:11So how was your appraisal?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14It went well, actually. Talked about moving me forward for a promotion.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- Oh.- And they're putting me in charge of Christmas.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Ooh!- Yeah.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21That's fantastic, well done.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23184...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25184 what?
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Sleeps till Christmas.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I love it. I've started my Christmas CD already.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Shall I bring it in for you tomorrow?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Not in this car.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34# Step into Christmas Step into Christmas
0:08:34 > 0:08:36# Dee ba deh da deh deh da deh deh da deh deh... #
0:08:36 > 0:08:38What's your favourite Christmas song?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Not that one.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40# Bah humbug, but that's too strong
0:08:40 > 0:08:42# Cos that's my favourite Christmas song
0:08:42 > 0:08:44# Merry Christmas Merry Christmas... #
0:08:44 > 0:08:45All right, enough now.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47# Merry Christmas Merry Christmas... #
0:08:47 > 0:08:48All right, all right.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51# Cos we'll be driving home for Christmas... #
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Yeah, leave it now.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Seriously, don't do that, don't do that.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59All right, all right, get off, I'm driving a vehicle, all right.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00All right, Grinch.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Where's your festive cheer?
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Next week in the club, it's the children's Christmas party.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Oh, look, it's Father Christmas.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Happy Christmas.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18The Windy Dick is more daring
0:09:18 > 0:09:20than Brian and the committee ever expected.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I go up on Sundays for me dinner.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I went last Sunday cos she had a big chicken.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41But I don't go every Sunday.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I don't go every Sunday because when she gets extra family,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46she's got to get the emergency chairs out.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Oh, every family has some emergency chairs.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Usually get them out at Christmas and birthdays when you get
0:09:52 > 0:09:54extra family, they're in back bedroom upstairs.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I were driving to me mum's on Christmas Day,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I saw a bloke crossing over Bury Road in Bolton,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01he had a fag in his mouth and two dining room chairs.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"Bring some chairs round, I've not got enough chairs.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12"Bring that little poof, bring that little poof round.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15"I don't know his name, bring him round."
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Everyone's at different sizes round t'table, nothing matches.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Cheers, all the best.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Big tall bar stool.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33It's a nosebleed up here.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34What do you want? Gravy?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36There you go.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38That's your gravy, there you go.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55MUSIC: All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey
0:10:58 > 0:11:00We can't be playing this.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01You recognise it?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I know what it is.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I love this one.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Love it.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Makes me proper happy, this.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10This is wrong.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Why?- You can't be playing this, it's the middle of summer,
0:11:13 > 0:11:14look at the weather outside.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- It's cracking flags.- And?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You can play Christmas songs whenever you like, John.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21No, you play them at Christmas -
0:11:21 > 0:11:23that's why they're called Christmas songs.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Tell you what, she's got some pipes on her, I'll give her that.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- What?- Pipes, singing voice.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38# All I want for Christmas is you... #
0:11:38 > 0:11:41You know she says that's all she wants for Christmas but I bet you
0:11:41 > 0:11:43any money if that's all you got her on Christmas morning,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45she'd lose her frigging mind.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Yeah, what she really means is all I want for Christmas is you,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51but carrying a sack filled with about four grand's worth of pressies.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Exactly. Typical woman.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Says one thing, means another.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59This is from one of my favourite Christmas films ever,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Love Actually.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- Watch it every year. - Show it every year and all.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Every day on every bloody channel.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Sick to death of it.- They play it at the end at that school show
0:12:10 > 0:12:13when Martine McCutcheon and Hugh Grant have the kiss
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- and fall in love. - What a load of crap!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- What?- As if.- What do you mean?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Well, as if the Prime Minister of England'd fall for a bloody maid.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Of course he could, John.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Load of old bull. - It's not bull, it's love...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27actually.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I'd fall for Hugh Grant easily.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31He'd only have to look at me once.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Hugh Grant?- Oh, yeah, definitely.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36He's gorgeous.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Wouldn't climb over him for a piss, John.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Charming.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Hello, welcome to our one-hour One Show cracker with Adrian Chiles.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51And Christine Bleakley,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54and to welcome our very special guest tonight.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Peter Kay is here.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Even though singing's not his day job,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Amarillo is just one of Britain's favourite comedian's
0:13:09 > 0:13:10three UK number ones.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Fresh from hosting the Royal Variety Show
0:13:15 > 0:13:17in front of Her Majesty, he now fulfils another lifetime ambition
0:13:17 > 0:13:19by appearing on The One Show.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Come on, come on, come on.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I accosted John Sergeant, I accosted him.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33He was in the corridor and I kidnapped him and he's here
0:13:33 > 0:13:35and he's staying, he's hostage,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38he's hostage! John Sergeant is hostage.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Hello, you.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Hello, Christine.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- How are you, darling? - I'm good, I'm good.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Adrian Chiles, what it is, brother!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Give me some, go on, do it, Adrian.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- Just, please sit down. - I know you want to! You animal!
0:13:53 > 0:13:57I am going to rock your world tonight, boy. Rock your world!
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Oh, dear, Peter, I have waited since the day I started on The One Show
0:14:01 > 0:14:03to have you here as a guest. Isn't that true?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06It's absolutely... She says that to most guests,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08but it's true in your case.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12It's either this or Emmerdale and I'll tell you now, this wins.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Thank you!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Up to half past, then it's Corrie, but...
0:14:19 > 0:14:22we'll deal with that at half seven.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- Don't go. - Are you sure I don't have to go?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28No, because in a minute when we go to this VT about bipolar
0:14:28 > 0:14:31or British Gas or something like that, or benefit fraud,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I'm going to write some ransom demands.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36So what's first, then?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Bullseye, Sunday afternoons.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40I used to love Bullseye, me.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44It were weird, Bullseye, cos it were shit and it were good.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Honest to God, you knew where you stood with Bullseye.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And every week my sister used to say,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50"How do they split a car between them?"
0:14:53 > 0:14:55End of the programme, "How do they split a fitted kitchen,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"with a chainsaw?"
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Cos usually on Bullseye, there were just two people,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02they weren't related, they were usually from the pub -
0:15:02 > 0:15:04the clever one and the darts player.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06There were two blokes, or two women -
0:15:06 > 0:15:10you usually couldn't tell whether the women were blokes on Bullseye.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Leanne, she'd be dart player, in stonewashed denim.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Love and Hat tattooed on her knuckles,
0:15:17 > 0:15:18cos she'd lost a finger.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Valerie, her friend, she'd be answering questions,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29she were the clever one in a maroon shell suit.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Five o'clock shadow.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35"Showbiz, Jim, showbiz."
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"Showbiz I'd like, please, showbiz."
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Showbiz you'd like, showbiz you'd like, OK, showbiz you'd like.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Showbiz, Leanne.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Spelling you've got, never mind.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Spelling you've got.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55For £4...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01For £4, Valerie, could you spell hermaphrodite?
0:16:03 > 0:16:04E-R-M-A-U-T...
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Err-ruh-mah-teh...
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Ermafra... I'll have to rush you, Valerie.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I'll have to rush you, son.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21When they run out of time on spelling, do you remember, Bully,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24used to walk across t'bottom of t'telly with a big dictionary?
0:16:24 > 0:16:25HE MOOS
0:16:30 > 0:16:34What were all that about, what were that?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35What were that? Moooo!
0:16:42 > 0:16:47Jim, Jim could see him. "Thanks for that, Bully, thanks for that."
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Jim's smacked off his tits, doesn't know what day it is.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58What's our man manhandling here?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02This has been developed by a university in Scotland,
0:17:02 > 0:17:07and it's to be used by patients who perhaps have lost a finger or two.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12It picks up impulses from the brain and will open and close the hand,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14but there are sensors on the fingertips,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18which mean any delicate objects you have, or are picking up...
0:17:20 > 0:17:21..won't get crushed.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I wouldn't mind borrowing this.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- May I have it back, please? - Can I borrow it over Christmas?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Can I just demonstrate what you mean?- It's like a claw, for Christmas, that.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37It is quite sensitive, cos look, it will actually pick up a cup,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39you see, cos it senses... Look.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Shall we give that...?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I won't be using it for cups, Adrian.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50It would be a good time to press on, then, wouldn't it?
0:17:50 > 0:17:54A question to bring us crashing back to the present.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58A big one, this - is your gas meter imperial or metric?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Is your gas meter imperial or metric?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03You see, on the face of it -
0:18:03 > 0:18:06on the face of it, that's possibly the most boring question
0:18:06 > 0:18:08we've ever put to you on The One Show.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Having said that, we did once ask you to tell us which you like best,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12broccoli or cauliflower. Do you remember that?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- I watched that one, yeah.- What did you vote? Did you go online?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Millions did.- It's just kept on me Sky+ planner, that.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18That's all I know.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I'm still burning discs of it at t'car boot, that, Adrian.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Broccoli was the clear winner.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Clear winner.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29It's like Pebble Mill on smack!
0:18:29 > 0:18:30I love it!
0:18:30 > 0:18:31I love it!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I don't know who you blackmailed to get this job, boy,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36but I am loving it!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43You...
0:18:43 > 0:18:44- Ow, me- BLEEP- hands.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Jesus wept!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56DIRECTOR: Action.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Oh, oh...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07MUSIC: I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Hear that noise? That's Roy Wood, that, cashing his royalty cheques.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I wouldn't mind being a pound behind that fella.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Oh, it proper reminds me of Christmas, this!
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- Yeah, it will do.- I always get it mixed up with Slade.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26Well, they're both in the same year, 1973, the year I was born.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- I bet that's why. - Why, what year were you born?
0:19:29 > 0:19:301976.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Oh, we used to play this every year when we were decorating the tree.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I remember having this on a single.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40I always used to believe in the words
0:19:40 > 0:19:43cos I actually do wish it could be Christmas every day.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Well, I'd have it every four years if it were up to me,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47like the Olympics.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50But you can't. It's Jesus's birthday.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51And?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I don't force him to celebrate mine.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56It's just a load of stress, at the end of the day.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- Why stress?- Hassle.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00You put on two stone over two weekends,
0:20:00 > 0:20:01you don't know what day it is,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04or when your bins are going to be emptied nor nothing,
0:20:04 > 0:20:05there's piss-all on television,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08and they've got the cheek to repeat that twice.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Sat in silence with people you can't stand for t'see rest of t'year,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14bloody panic buying presents for them at the last minute,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16and then you've got Amazon leading you a merry dance,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18not delivering the parcels on time,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21hanging round the GPO like an idiot in the rain...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Bah humbug, John.- Well.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I'm actually surprised you haven't been visited by three ghosts.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31What?
0:20:31 > 0:20:38It's Christmaaaaaaaaaaas!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40That's Slade, I've told you!
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Psycho.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44And it's summeeeeeer!
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Ya tit.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52HE HUMS BULLSEYE THEME
0:20:52 > 0:20:55OK, you're through to Bully's prize board.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Valerie, Leanne, come this way, come this way, boys.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06OK. Now, your £40, that's safe.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07That's going nowhere.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Back pocket of Farah.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Now you've got the time it takes for the board to revolve.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20What do you want to do? You can ask the audience,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22come on, ask the audience.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24AUDIENCE: Gamble!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28What do you reckon? Well, I've had a right good day, Jim,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31had a right good day, you know, we've really enjoyed ourselves.
0:21:31 > 0:21:37Just being away from the centre for a few hours is a blessing, you know,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40cos Leanne's electronically tagged.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41But, er... But, er...
0:21:41 > 0:21:44What? What?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46We're going to gamble, Jim, we're going to go for it,
0:21:46 > 0:21:47we're going to gamble.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Let's have a look at the prizes, shall we?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I-i-i-i-n one.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59In one, kids won't have to suffer Mum's Rola Cola any more...
0:22:07 > 0:22:09..with this fantastic SodaStream.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16And Bully's special prize!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19A speedboat. Always a speedboat.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Where do they live? Tamworth.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23200 miles to t'sea.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29When they used to lose on Bullseye, what did Jim Bowen used to say?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Let's have a look at what you could have won!
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Yes, my friend!
0:22:32 > 0:22:35"Let's have a look at what you could have won."
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Kick 'em when they're down, Jim!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Rub a bit of salt in the wound, my friend.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43"Let's have a look." He's bringing the speedboat on and showing it to them.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Bring it on, boys.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46MOROSE BULLSEYE THEME
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Take it back now. Take it back.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56You'll not see that again. You've shit-owt, take it back.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00"Let's have a look at what you could have won."
0:23:00 > 0:23:04I always think he'd make a really bad priest at a wedding, Jim Bowen.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08"I now pronounce you man and wife by the power invested in me.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10"Gary, Julie, OK.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14"Gary, before you whisk Julie off to Tenerife - it's over there, OK.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:20 > 0:23:22"Let's have a look at what you could have married.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24"Oh, you slipped up there!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27"She's 16, she's Filipino, take her back, boys!"
0:23:27 > 0:23:28MOROSE BULLSEYE THEME
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"Don't worry, you've still got your Bendy Bullys.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38"And your £40.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"It'll take me the commercial break to count it out."
0:23:43 > 0:23:45It's 40 quid, Jim.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47What is it in, 2ps?
0:23:52 > 0:23:57This is a catch-21 situation, Jerry, only you can get us out.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Me? How?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01CREAKING
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Excuse me.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Sorry. It's funny, that chair.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Me? How?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10CREAKING
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I'm leaving it in.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Me? How?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Shut up.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21We're in a Catch-21 situation, Jerry.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Oh, I'm laughing.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Me? How?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27CREAKING
0:24:28 > 0:24:30LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- What? What?- Come here a minute, come on!- Get off me, you girl!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- Come on!- You've heard, then?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Oh, I've heard.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Eh? Eh? Eh?
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Irritable bowels.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Move the- BLEEP- over there.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53MUSIC: Lonely This Christmas by Elvis Presley
0:24:54 > 0:24:56God almighty.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Lonely This Christmas.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Have you not got any carols?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04No. They don't do a Now That's What I Call Carol.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Oh, I like this one. It's one of my favourites.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10They're all your favourites.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13That's cos they're all Christmas songs.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14This is wrong, this.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Look at the leaves on the trees.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Every time I hear this, it just makes me want to march.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Good luck with that in a Fiat.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- Always makes me a bit sad, this one.- Yeah, I know.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Melancholy.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Happy sad.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42It's the "wish I was at home for Christmas" bit gets me.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Always reminds me of me dad.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Aw, why? Was he a soldier?
0:25:47 > 0:25:48No.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52He always used to play this and he always used to lift me up
0:25:52 > 0:25:54and dance round with me in his arms.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Lordy, must have been strong.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58And what's that supposed to mean?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- Well, how old were you? - I don't know, six, seven.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Well, you can't have been. This song didn't come out till the '90s.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Did it balls! Christmas 1980, this, Jona Lewie.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11No, no, it can't have been because I had this on cassette tape
0:26:11 > 0:26:14and this song used to come on after East 17 Stay,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16so definitely '90s.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20What? What does that mean, a cassette tape?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23It used to come on after East 17 and they were definitely '90s cos I had
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- the puffer jacket.- Where did you get the cassette tape from?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Someone made me a mixtape.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29What does that mean?!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31That means frig all!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Why would she have mixed them all up?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Mark is now about to shoot the video for Christmas 2000,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42the first single from his new album,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46making himself eligible for the most important annual music race of all -
0:26:46 > 0:26:47the Christmas number one.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Come on, let's make magic!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52This is fantastic, it's a dream come true.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56It's a real education, not just for me, for the Sumambis.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57And they're from Africa.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00They've never seen snow.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07I know it's not real snow, but they don't know that, do they?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14That's too small, that.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Who's built this?!
0:27:20 > 0:27:25# It's Christmas time There's no need to be afraid
0:27:27 > 0:27:31# Cos the world is now ready The plans have been made
0:27:34 > 0:27:38# He'll be bringing salvation
0:27:38 > 0:27:42# He'll be bringing us joy for every man and woman
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# Every girl and boy
0:27:49 > 0:27:56# Let's raise our glasses and sing Auld Lang Syne
0:27:57 > 0:28:01# As we sit on the fence at the crossroads of time
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# Our race is now over
0:28:07 > 0:28:10# Our future's begun
0:28:10 > 0:28:16# It's Christmas 2000 A new number one... #
0:28:16 > 0:28:18So why Christmas 2000?
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Well, people think I'm probably cashing in on the millennium.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not that shallow.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29What I am, though, is very religious and Christmas 2000
0:28:29 > 0:28:32is just a simple thank you to the big man upstairs.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36It's an ambiguous celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38- That won't be...- Many happy returns.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40That won't be till Christmas, 2000.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41Yes.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44This is going to be Christmas, 1999.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48What?
0:28:48 > 0:28:51This Christmas is Christmas, 1999, not 2000.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Bernie!
0:28:59 > 0:29:03# People talk of power Of His miracles performed
0:29:06 > 0:29:11# The healing of the sick, the disabled, the deformed
0:29:13 > 0:29:17# He'll be changing our future
0:29:17 > 0:29:19# He'll make everything fine
0:29:19 > 0:29:23# He'll be coming down your chimney
0:29:23 > 0:29:24# For the 2000th time
0:29:28 > 0:29:34# Let's raise our glasses and sing Auld Lang Syne
0:29:35 > 0:29:41# As we sit on the fence at the crossroads of time
0:29:43 > 0:29:49# There are 2,000 mountains still left to climb
0:29:49 > 0:29:55# It's Christmas 2000, let's have a good time
0:29:56 > 0:30:00# It's Christmas 2000
0:30:00 > 0:30:03# It's Christmas 2000
0:30:03 > 0:30:06# It's Christmas 2000
0:30:06 > 0:30:13# A new number one. #
0:30:23 > 0:30:24I can't get out of old habits.
0:30:24 > 0:30:29I still say to me wife, "Do you want to go to t'video shop for a DVD?"
0:30:29 > 0:30:31How old?
0:30:31 > 0:30:33And we get those boxsets now, us.
0:30:33 > 0:30:34Boxsets of series.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36You can't just watch one.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39You put 'em on, you're like, "Oh, God, put another one on. I want to see what happens."
0:30:39 > 0:30:42I'm like, "I want to go to bed now." "No, put another one on, I want to see what happens."
0:30:42 > 0:30:45It's ten to four. "No, put another one on."
0:30:45 > 0:30:48I'm sitting here in me own piss and shit. "Put another one on, I want to see what happens.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50"Put these two in, quick."
0:30:50 > 0:30:54Or you can series link it now with Sky+.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58It's incredible. Sky+ is right up there with daylight
0:30:58 > 0:31:02and running water as a necessity in my life now.
0:31:02 > 0:31:03You can't go back, honest to God.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06They come round and say, "Mr Kay, we're turning your gas off.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08"It's going to be off for four hours, we're digging at t'top of t'road."
0:31:08 > 0:31:10You're joking? All right, never mind.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12Dad, Sky's off. "Sky's off?!
0:31:12 > 0:31:15"Sky+ is off? Jesus Christ! Ring 'em up, quick!"
0:31:15 > 0:31:19It's like losing your left arm, you can't believe it.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21I got it for me nana.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23You know we went digital a couple of years ago.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26I said, "Nana, you've got to go digital."
0:31:26 > 0:31:29"I've just got used to pounds, shillings and pence."
0:31:29 > 0:31:30I'm like that, "What?"
0:31:30 > 0:31:32We're going digital. I've got you Sky+, right.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34It's fantastic. You've got...
0:31:34 > 0:31:35When you want to record something,
0:31:35 > 0:31:38you just press that red button there on t'remote.
0:31:38 > 0:31:39"Where do you put your tapes?"
0:31:39 > 0:31:41No, there's no tapes now.
0:31:41 > 0:31:42It's on a hard drive.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Just go with me, right. And you've got live pause now.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53Live pause. So if you want to pause it and go and have a cup of tea
0:31:53 > 0:31:55or a wee, you just pause it.
0:31:55 > 0:31:56"What about everybody else?"
0:31:56 > 0:31:58Come again?
0:31:58 > 0:32:00"What about everybody else?"
0:32:00 > 0:32:03You're not controlling Britain! It's just you, this.
0:32:03 > 0:32:04Bloody hell, it's only £40 a month.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07What do you want?
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Some couple in Crawley watching Holby City -
0:32:09 > 0:32:11"That's Edie gone for a slash.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17"Stopped again. It's quarter to ten here.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20"Stop start, stop start. What's happening?"
0:32:22 > 0:32:23DIRECTOR: Action.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28I enjoyed that. It was lovely.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32- Just put scolding hot- BLEEP- water in that, will you, Pete, next time?
0:32:34 > 0:32:35From the top. Still rolling.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57I remember the Gogo Birds.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59I wanted...
0:33:04 > 0:33:05Cut.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Only thing about Sky+ I don't like is me whole life's
0:33:18 > 0:33:20on times 30, times 30.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Fast forward. Everything's times 30.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24I've not seen an advert for four years.
0:33:24 > 0:33:25Are DFS still having a sale?
0:33:27 > 0:33:30And it's all or nothing, fast forward, you can't control it.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32You're like bang, bang, bang. Oh, it's back on, it's back on!
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Go back, go back, go back! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:33:34 > 0:33:38We're back to the beginning of t' programme, you've gone too far now, not back here.
0:33:38 > 0:33:39Fast forward again, fast forward.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Whoa, whoa, it's back on again! What you doing?
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Times six, times 12, do it in stages, take your time.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49Quicker just watching t'adverts.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51That's best when it comes up - two recordings have clashed,
0:33:51 > 0:33:54please choose one. What do you do with that?
0:33:54 > 0:33:56What do you do? Pick one, pick one, quick!
0:33:56 > 0:33:59Am I selecting the one I'm deleting? Am I deleting the one I'm selecting?
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Which one? Am I doing that one there? Pick one. I don't know! Throw it to me.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04I haven't got a clue! Choose one now.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06I don't know! Christ almighty, it's going to fail record,
0:34:06 > 0:34:08it's going to fail record, people, quick!
0:34:08 > 0:34:09Top or bottom? Top or bottom?
0:34:09 > 0:34:10Choose, choose!
0:34:10 > 0:34:13It's failed record now. It's too late, see.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19MUSIC: Last Christmas by George Michael
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Oh!
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Let me guess, this is your favourite.
0:34:24 > 0:34:25It is, actually, John.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27This is my all-time favourite.
0:34:28 > 0:34:29Yeah.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32This is my favourite, too.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Is it?
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Really? Aww.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39I knew I'd break you, get you into the Christmas mood.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41She says, licking a 99.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Christ, it's not that hot.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51I've got those flip-flops.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56The other thing I don't like is the panic,
0:34:56 > 0:35:00and I mean PANIC you get when you're down to about 4% on your planner.
0:35:03 > 0:35:054% we're on here.
0:35:05 > 0:35:074%. That's you, that.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11There's nothing on here of mine.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15There's nothing on here of mine.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19Look at all... I've two World's Strongest Men and a
0:35:19 > 0:35:23Ross Kemp In Bangkok and that's me done here, love. Nothing.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28Oh, and A Banged Up Abroad. Excuse me. Pardon me for breathing.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30One, two, three, four...
0:35:30 > 0:35:3327 hours of 24, how's that happened?
0:35:33 > 0:35:37You can't do that! That's not physically possible!
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Delete, delete. Oh, that's better, 48%.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Look at that, 48%.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43I feel cleansed. 48%.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47You've got to have a tidy planner.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51And then when we do finally sit down and watch something together,
0:35:51 > 0:35:52'king sister rings her up.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54Pause.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56HE MOUTHS
0:36:05 > 0:36:07HE CONTINUES MOUTHING
0:36:17 > 0:36:19HE CONTINUES MOUTHING
0:36:32 > 0:36:34HE CONTINUES MOUTHING
0:36:49 > 0:36:51'king 20 minutes. "I'll see you, bye."
0:36:51 > 0:36:52What's she want? "Nothing."
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Nothing?!
0:36:54 > 0:36:55Nothing.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Press play. Then phone rings again, it's me mum.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04"I didn't expect that twist at the end. I didn't think she'd kill him."
0:37:04 > 0:37:05What?!
0:37:07 > 0:37:10We're 20 minutes behind, you don't tell us that!
0:38:17 > 0:38:19You're booked! We'll have you!
0:38:21 > 0:38:24Look at that! Oh, my God!
0:38:27 > 0:38:29Woo! Woo!
0:38:40 > 0:38:42# The mood is right
0:38:42 > 0:38:44# The spirit's up
0:38:44 > 0:38:47# We're here tonight
0:38:47 > 0:38:48# And that's enough
0:38:48 > 0:38:53# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
0:38:53 > 0:38:59# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
0:38:59 > 0:39:04# The choir of children sing their song
0:39:04 > 0:39:09# They practised all year long
0:39:09 > 0:39:11# The mood is right
0:39:11 > 0:39:12# The spirit's up... #
0:39:12 > 0:39:14We'll do a stage dive...
0:39:14 > 0:39:16# We're here tonight
0:39:16 > 0:39:18# And that's enough
0:39:18 > 0:39:22# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
0:39:22 > 0:39:28# We're simply having a wonderful Christmas time
0:39:28 > 0:39:38# We're simply having a wonderful Christmas time. #
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Have you been a good little boy?
0:39:46 > 0:39:48Have you been a good little girl?
0:39:49 > 0:39:51Ho-ho-ho!
0:40:01 > 0:40:03# Once upon a Christmas song
0:40:04 > 0:40:08# Everybody sang along
0:40:08 > 0:40:11# You'd see the joy on every face
0:40:11 > 0:40:15# And the world seemed a happier place
0:40:15 > 0:40:19# These songs brought us together
0:40:19 > 0:40:22# Good time memories forever
0:40:22 > 0:40:26# Now I know what they mean
0:40:26 > 0:40:29# And what they've given to me
0:40:29 > 0:40:32# I'd have never believed
0:40:32 > 0:40:33# That we'd be me singing them
0:40:33 > 0:40:37# Over and over, and over again
0:40:37 > 0:40:40# Every December they get in our heads
0:40:40 > 0:40:42# Turn 'em up, play 'em loud
0:40:42 > 0:40:45# Every Christmas should be the same
0:40:45 > 0:40:50# Singing them over and over and over and over again
0:40:52 > 0:40:56- # They say they're good for the soul - Good for the soul
0:40:56 > 0:40:58# But someone tell me I don't know
0:40:59 > 0:41:01# Why no one seems to write them no more
0:41:01 > 0:41:03# Write them no more
0:41:03 > 0:41:06# So the only way to settle the score
0:41:06 > 0:41:10# Is to all make way for a new one
0:41:10 > 0:41:13# That keeps the heart of the old one
0:41:13 > 0:41:17# With a little bit of festive cheer
0:41:17 > 0:41:20# And you'll know when Christmas is near
0:41:20 > 0:41:24# When this record appears, once a year
0:41:24 > 0:41:28# You'll be singing this over and over, and over again
0:41:28 > 0:41:32# Every December you'll hear it and say
0:41:32 > 0:41:33# Turn it up, play it loud
0:41:33 > 0:41:37# Every Christmas should be the same
0:41:37 > 0:41:42# Singing it over and over and over and over again
0:41:42 > 0:41:44- # It's getting in your head - It's getting in your head
0:41:44 > 0:41:46- # It's getting in your head - It's getting in your head
0:41:46 > 0:41:49# And if you're not singing it all night
0:41:49 > 0:41:55# You'd be telling a lie... #
0:41:55 > 0:41:57Today, they're lining the streets,
0:41:57 > 0:42:01people of all ages overcome with festive joy.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04It seems Britain has found its Xmas factor once again.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07And the lady responsible for this Christmas magic?
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Geraldine McQueen!
0:42:24 > 0:42:29# You'll be singing this over and over and over and over again
0:42:29 > 0:42:32# Every December you'll hear it and say
0:42:32 > 0:42:34# Turn it up, play it loud
0:42:34 > 0:42:37# Every Christmas should be the same
0:42:37 > 0:42:42# Singing it over and over forever and ever again
0:42:46 > 0:42:47MUSIC STOPS
0:42:47 > 0:42:49CROWD GROANS
0:42:55 > 0:42:59# Over and over and over again
0:42:59 > 0:43:02# Over and over and over again
0:43:02 > 0:43:06# Over and over and over again
0:43:06 > 0:43:10# Over and over and over again
0:43:10 > 0:43:13# Over and over and over again
0:43:13 > 0:43:17# Over and over and over again
0:43:17 > 0:43:20# Over and over and over again
0:43:20 > 0:43:24# Over and over and over again
0:43:24 > 0:43:28# Over and over and over again
0:43:28 > 0:43:31# Over and over and over again
0:43:31 > 0:43:33# Turn it up, play it loud
0:43:33 > 0:43:36# Every Christmas should be the same
0:43:36 > 0:43:41# Singing it over and over forever and ever again. #