0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Three divers to go then and this is
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Darren Croll of Australia.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Oh, that's a good dive.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39642.2 and now Petit of Canada.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Oh, even better! This final really hotting up.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Now the favourite, John Smith for Great Britain.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- What can he do?- ..A running bomb.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Oh, terrific! The crowd love it.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02And so do the judges.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Top bombing.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Would you welcome, please, Peter Kay.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Hello! Hello!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- Let me put my stuff down.- Hello!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- Oh, I'm on your foot.- You are.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I stood on your slip-on. How are you, David?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's over now. You can relax.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- I'm coming round. Coming round. Let me get sorted out.- What's this here?
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Stick this here a sec.- What...?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Stay there. How are you?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I'm doing all right.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50- Hello.- How are you?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Hello. Nice to see you.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- Let's get started.- Let's get started.- Are you all right?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- I'm all right, mate.- Got some stuff. Let's get sorted out.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Well, I brought a bag of treats, didn't I?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Because it was your last show, I thought we'd be having a laugh.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Presents?- I've got party hats here.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Stick one of them on.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Tablecloth. I thought you'd have had a big table, though, when I got that. There you are.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25You know, kick our heels up a bit. Enjoy ourselves. There you are.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Get stuck in.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Blow on that. Go on. Go on!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Yes! That's what you want!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Hang on.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Here you are. Look at that.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- What's that?- Victoria sandwich.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I bet you've said that a few times, ain't you, eh?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I've got some plates an' all.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55There you go.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Is it that way up? Got a knife.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I thought, you know, we were having a laugh.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- French fancies. Got them here. - Oh, dear.- Got the lot here. Cordial.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- What else have you got?- Cordial. Some cordial in there.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- You want a drink, David? Do you want a drink, David? Do you want a hat? - I don't think so.- Want a hat?
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Got a party popper here for David. One of them, mate. Come on.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Here you are. Hoorah!
0:03:20 > 0:03:25- Now you're talking! This is about you, this.- I know.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- This is your last one, man. - I know that.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Put it on, go on. Because this is it.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- What else is there?- You've had them all on here, haven't you?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- I've had them all on here.- Fred Astaire.- Yeah.- Bette Davis.- Yeah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Rod Hull.- Yeah.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- Morecambe and Wise. - The two of them.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45You're the kiss of death, aren't you, when you think about it?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46You know what I mean?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50How long have we got? You know what I mean?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53We're not on cos we're good, we're on cos we're alive.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Thank God you're on. I thought I were the youngest.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57It's like Cocoon, this.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Geraldine!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Her journey began right here.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Since taking her Pop Factor crown, she has become a...
0:04:13 > 0:04:17This is the incredible story of...
0:04:54 > 0:04:56'You're listening to Chorley FM.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01'I'm Paul Le Roy coming in your ears and here's Yazz and she's going Up!
0:05:01 > 0:05:05'The Phoenix Club in Bolton has its grand reopening tonight with
0:05:05 > 0:05:09'chart-topping pop band Half A Shillin' and TV's own Roy
0:05:09 > 0:05:10'"It's the way I tell them" Walker,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12'who'll be cutting the ribbon at 7.30.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15'Tickets are £15 each - that includes supper and bingo.'
0:05:15 > 0:05:19# We've been broken down
0:05:19 > 0:05:23# To the lowest turn
0:05:23 > 0:05:24# And been... #
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- You holding these or what?- Shut up.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Chuck us that hammer.- Here you are.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- You going bald?- No.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36You can see your head through your hair.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- It's always been like that. - Since when?- Since for ever.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41My hair, it's very fine.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- It's thin. I don't know about fine, it's thin.- It's not thin.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- It's not thin, all right? - It's anorexic.- Oh, shut it.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- Oh, dickhead!- Here, these are for tonight. Brian says you've got to wear them.- What are they?
0:05:50 > 0:05:55- Headsets.- Headsets? - Sets? For your head?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58It's all down here, "Grand Gala Opening of the Phoenix Club."
0:05:58 > 0:06:04- Yeah, very good.- Smithills Brewery.- Who's Brain?- Brain? - Brain Potter. Brain Potter.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05And on the back, Brain Potter.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Brain Potter on the front, Brain Potter on the back. A disgrace!
0:06:08 > 0:06:13- Pop-up.- Pop-up? What club's that? Whose club's that?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16That's not my club, son.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Ta-da!- Who the hell's that?
0:06:19 > 0:06:23- Who's that supposed to be?- It's you.- Get it off. Get it off now.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Stick 'em up your arse.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- How is she? How's your nan? - Oh, she's fine.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- I've got your present for you. - Have you?- Oh, she's great. She's fantastic.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Me and his nan are like that. - Here you go. She sent you that.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Have a go at that.- Thank you. What is it?- 66 now.- Is she?- Mm-hm.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Is she well?- Yeah, she's cracking. She's lovely.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- Does she still watch the programme? - Yeah, she watches you.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45She won't be next week cos you're off, aren't you?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Come on, have a look. She got you this specially.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50She had one of these spare for you.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- What is it?- What is it? Is when you...
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Put it on, round your neck. You know when you're in a warden...
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Whoa, whoa, whoa. Round your hat.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Take my hat off.- It's for when you're in a warden-controlled flat.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05You know what I mean?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Touch your button there.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09That's what you do.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- They come running, do they?- Yeah.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13If Mary's in the garden
0:07:13 > 0:07:15and you keel over watching Cash In The Attic...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- ..push that and that's it, you see? - What a very nice idea!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- And I've got you something now. - What have you got?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27I got you something because you've got to... Now you're hanging it up,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29you've got to keep active, you know what I mean?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I don't want you going stiff.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33You've got to keep going and I've got you...
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Here, you'll love this.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Stand up. Stand up.- Oh, God. It gets worse.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I've got you a job.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Here you are.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Put that on. There you go.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Put your arm in here.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Oh, yeah! Hang on. Wait there.
0:08:00 > 0:08:0220 minutes.
0:08:02 > 0:08:0420 minutes in the morning.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07It's a primary school. It's a primary school.
0:08:07 > 0:08:1120 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes at night. That'll be you.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Go on. Oh! That's it. Go on.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Go on. Go on.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Thank you. Thank you.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- I know why you want one of them headsets.- Why?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30You don't want to mess up your hair. HE CHUCKLES
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- What hair you've got left.- Don't.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Hey, baldy.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Baldy bouncer.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- Leave it.- Baldy, baldy. Baldy.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- Baldy, baldy, baldy. - LEAVE IT!- Oi! Oi!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48That's it. Every last one of them.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50GLASS SHATTERING
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Shine a light. What were that?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55HE GROANS
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Max!
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- Is he all right? Has he fell? - Jesus Christ. Help me, will you?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Get up, you girl.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Took my mum for a big shop today.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12We always go Asda, because we can park in that parent-and-child bit
0:09:12 > 0:09:14at the front of the shop.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19I'm with my mum. They don't put an age range on it, you might as well.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You're right at the front of the shop, it's beltin'.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25At least you know where you parked when you come out.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27You're not like them dads that can't remember.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I love seeing dads when they come out. They've no short-term memory.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33When the car is parked there and they come out...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36"Car's gone. Bloody car's gone.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"Jean. Jean, car's gone."
0:09:38 > 0:09:40They do that dad run that dads do. I love that.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Where they don't actually move any quicker. They just...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Have you seen that? "Jean."
0:09:46 > 0:09:50"Bloody car's gone. Sierra... Sierra's gone."
0:09:51 > 0:09:54You might as well walk. What's that?!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00"Jean, bloody car's... It's gone. We've had it."
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I love seeing people running for buses and then they miss them,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09and then pretend that they didn't want them.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11What's all that about?!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Anyway, how was your make-up party? - Virgin V.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28It's next Monday. I got my weeks wrong.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- I just went dogging instead. - Come again?- Eh?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- What?- Virgin V, it's next Monday.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Bugger the Virgin V. You went dogging?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Yeah, went with Ken my neighbour. There was nothing on telly,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40so we just went up the back field.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- Dogging?- Yeah.- As in dogging?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Yeah, dogging.- Well...
0:10:46 > 0:10:51- Well, you've opened my eyes.- What do you mean?- You went dogging?- Yes!
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- And who's this Ken fella? - Ken, my next door neighbour.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- He's in his 80s now, but he's very active.- Sounds like it.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Beautiful blue eyes.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02I think that's the glaucoma.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I have to link him through the woods.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06I bet you do.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Dirty old bastard.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09What?! What's your problem?
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Nowt.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14It is a shame for him, though.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16He usually takes Maggie, but she's on her last legs.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Who's Maggie?- His cocker.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19A cocker?
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Spaniel.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22A dog?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Well, what else?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25So dogging's with a dog?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Are you slow, John?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Of course dogging's with a dog. What else would dogging be?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33So you didn't have sex outdoors with people watching?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Are you out of your...?! What?! What are you...?!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Why are you asking me that?!
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Sick!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40SHE RETCHES
0:11:40 > 0:11:41- You are sick, John.- Why?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44You said you went dogging outdoors. What am I supposed to think?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46In the park, with my dog!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Dogging with my dog, Misty.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51So you go dog walking, you don't go dogging.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- Well, it's the same thing. - They're not the same thing.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Are they hellers the same thing. They're a million miles apart!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Where have you been living, on the moon?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Dog walkers are doggers.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I've even got a car sticker that says,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03"Dogging's for life, not just for Christmas."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05People are always beeping.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I bet they are! I bloody bet they are!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Dogging is people outside, using a car,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13having sex with other people watching.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Urgh!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Where's the dog?- What dog?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Where's the dog in your dogging?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I don't know. I...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- I don't think there is a dog. - Well, why is it called dogging?
0:12:23 > 0:12:28Don't know, but I'm telling you, dogging is not walking with dogs.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29You're winding me up.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Ask anybody.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- Do you know what? I bloody well will.- I'm telling you.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Whoa! Can you move back, please? Can you move back, please?
0:12:43 > 0:12:4615 quid a ticket, why can't we go around there?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Cos it's for VIPs only, that's why, love.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Oh, hey, it's all wrong, this. We're penned in here like cows.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- PADDY, ON RADIO: - 'Punch her in the face.'
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Right, Roy, if you'd just like to get under the ribbon. Ten!
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Nine.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- ALL:- Eight, seven, six, five,
0:13:03 > 0:13:08four, three, two, one...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10MUTED CHEERS
0:13:10 > 0:13:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Look at the lights, look at the lights.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Oi, love, look at the lights.
0:13:21 > 0:13:27Ladies and gentlemen, and Roy, welcome to the Phoenix Club.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- ONE PERSON CLAPS - Yay.- If you'd like...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31If you'd like to make your way through to the Pennine Suite,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"can-apes" will be served forthwith.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Eyeball, eyeball, I think I've got myself a convoy here.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37'10-4, Rubberdick.'
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Hey, less of the Rubberdick.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Baldly.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42MAX CHUCKLES
0:13:42 > 0:13:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Know what I love about a karaoke?
0:13:46 > 0:13:47When you're singing on a karaoke,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50you haven't got a clue that those were t'words.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I was singing Take That, Back For Good.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55# Wash your back Wash your back
0:13:55 > 0:13:56# Wash your back... #
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"Want you back"?! What's this, "Want you back"?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I've been singing "wash your back" for 15 years.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03It's only when you go on a karaoke and you see t'lyrics,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05that's what they're supposed to be singing!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07You know that song, We Are Family?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09For years, I thought they were singing,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13"Just let me staple the vicar."
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Right? Who's right and who's wrong here? Listen.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20# All of the people around us they say
0:14:20 > 0:14:22# "Can they be that close?"
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- SOUNDS LIKE:- # Just let me staple the vicar... #
0:14:29 > 0:14:30That's what they sing!
0:14:32 > 0:14:36"Just let me staple the vicar."
0:14:36 > 0:14:38What's all that about?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42# Just let me staple the vicar... #
0:14:45 > 0:14:47"We're giving love in a Femidom."
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- SOUNDS LIKE:- # We're giving love in a Femidom
0:14:51 > 0:14:54# We are family... #
0:14:56 > 0:14:59You know Duffy? Duffy, the Welsh songstress?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Last three years,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I thought that poor cow were begging me for birdseed.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- SOUNDS LIKE:- # I'm begging you for birdseed, birdseed
0:15:08 > 0:15:12# I'm begging you for birdseed, birdseed... #
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Apparently, it's "mercy". I thought it were birdseed!
0:15:15 > 0:15:20I'm on t'karaoke with it, "Birdseed, birdseed!"
0:15:20 > 0:15:21"Mercy"?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- MAX, OVER RADIO: Patrick, can you hear me now?- Yeah.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Hang on. Can you hear me now?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Hear you? I can see you, you dick.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Can you hear me now?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Yeah, you'll have to go further than that.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37They're dear, these, you know.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Can you hear me now?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:42# I can't go on
0:15:43 > 0:15:45# Thinking
0:15:46 > 0:15:47# Nothing's wrong... #
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Drive, by The Cars. A beautiful song.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51They used this on Live Aid, do you remember?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54They showed it over this harrowing footage
0:15:54 > 0:15:56of these starving Ethiopians.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58ONE PERSON CACKLES
0:15:58 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:08HE MOUTHS
0:16:09 > 0:16:13If you listen closely, they're actually singing about pork pie.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Pork pie, swear to God!
0:16:15 > 0:16:16# Thinking
0:16:17 > 0:16:19# Nothing's wrong
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- SOUNDS LIKE:- # Pork pie. #
0:16:22 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:25 > 0:16:29I pledged money, me. "Pork pie"! I pledged money!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34'Can you hear me now? Paddy, can you hear me now?'
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Yeah, where are you?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37'I'm here, look. I'm on the bus, on the bus.'
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Look, I'm here. Hey, look, I'm on the bus! Hey!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Hey! Look, I'm on the bus. Hey!
0:16:44 > 0:16:45LAUGHTER
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- MICHAEL JACKSON: - # You are not alone. #
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Can't believe it, can you? You know what I mean?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14He should have been on here.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21PARTS OF AUDIENCE "OOH"
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Apparently, according to Michael, your burgers are the best.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31# I can hear your prayers
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- SOUNDS LIKE:- # Your burgers are the best. #
0:17:42 > 0:17:44He must have had one of their burger vans.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46You know they have at funfairs?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Doing steak Canadians and hot dogs.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Speaking of hot dogs...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54# Near
0:17:54 > 0:17:56# Far
0:17:56 > 0:18:00# Wherever you are... #
0:18:00 > 0:18:03I believe the hot dogs go on.
0:18:03 > 0:18:11- SOUNDS LIKE:- # I believe that the hot dogs go on. #
0:18:15 > 0:18:18He's got a bit of rivalry, eh, Michael?
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Celine's peddling hot dogs.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22It's on his patch.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28How did you get on with Misty, being at work all day?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31She's a house dog. She's very lazy.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Ken nips round at lunchtime.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35What, has he got a key?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- Yeah.- You gave him a key to your house?- Yeah.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Why?- In emergencies.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43He nips in at lunchtime, lets her out the back,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45she has a little run round.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Sometimes, if he's going for a walk, he'll take her with him.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49You're very trusting, giving him a key.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51It's Ken, what's he going to do?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- Dance round with your knickers on his head.- Ugh...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56You're bad-minded, John, that's your problem.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Well, you leave a camera set up, you'll soon find out...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Yes, we will soon find out.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Never mind You've Been Framed, it'll be Ken Goes Dogging.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Right, pull over now.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- What?- Just pull over here, quick.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Why? What's up? Oh, come on, I was only having a laugh.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Excuse me.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Yeah, you. Excuse me, have you got a minute?
0:19:16 > 0:19:17You know him?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- Who is he?- Hello! You're beautiful, aren't you?
0:19:21 > 0:19:25You out with your daddy? You're beautiful. How old is she?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- She's just six months.- Aww. - Bloody handful, I can tell you.- Aww.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- Listen, would you mind settling an argument for us?- Go on.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Would you describe yourself as a dogger?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Oh, sorry, bud, she don't mean any offence.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Don't listen.- Is this a wind-up? - No, no, not at all, not at all.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Oh, God.- So, why do you ask? Are you both, erm, doggers?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Well, I am, he just thinks I'm some kind of weirdo.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Most natural thing in the world! I've done it for years.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- How I met the wife.- Aww.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53See?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And where do you do your dogging, mate?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58To be honest, best place I've found -
0:19:58 > 0:20:00the industrial estate after dark.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02- Right.- Need to keep your wits about you.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Yeah.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Why, are you looking for a mate to go dogging with?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Me and the wife would love the company.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Yeah, don't see why not. That would be lovely.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14See? Told you.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16He doesn't understand the joys of dogging.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Well, he's clearly never fucked in front of a crowd, has he, flower?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Right, drive on. Drive on, John! John, drive, drive, drive!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Since you crowned Geraldine your winner,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33she has become an international superstar, and it now seems
0:20:33 > 0:20:37that everybody wants a big helping of the dinner lady-turned-diva.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I've not stopped.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I've hardly had time to catch my breath, which is a worry
0:20:41 > 0:20:44because I'm asthmatic. It's been an amazing few months.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48I've been whisked here and whisked there. Here, there and everywhere.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I've done more photoshoots than Max Spielmann.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53They've had me in every position imaginable - nothing candid.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Not yet, anyway!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56GERALDINE SNORTS
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I met Barack Obama. Barack Obama, can you believe it?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01He's truly an amazing man.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Got to sing The Winner's Song with him.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05That was incredible.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08But one of the highlights for me was going on Hole In The Wall.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Though my team lost - I had Mr T and Stephen Hawking.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13No holes fit him.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17I also got to appear with one of my favourite bands of all time,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Take That. I was a special guest on their show.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Please welcome Geraldine!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26That was amazing. They were lovely, lovely men.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Gary, Howard, Jason and Mark - met them all.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I can't believe it. Look at me, stood here with Take That!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I can't believe it!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35And then I had to do a little bit of a quiz.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Which member of Take That would like to ride me like a donkey?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Now, come on!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- You can ride us all, Geraldine. - All of you. Form a queue.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I was getting down off the boxes and then Mark grabbed me
0:21:51 > 0:21:53and pulled me on top of him!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58What's he like? I was on top of him in the studio, straddling him.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59I nearly crushed him to death!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Unbelievable. What does he think I am, a machine?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05And can you believe I got a call from the lovely
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Stella McCartney asking if I could turn on the Christmas lights
0:22:08 > 0:22:10at a shop in Mayfair?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12We had to pay so much for this appearance.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14That was a very glamorous night.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Stella is such a lovely person, but sadly none of her clothes fit me.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Everybody was there. I got to meet Lulu.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23That was ironic because I ordered my very fist Cross Your Heart Bra
0:22:23 > 0:22:26when she was doing the Freemans catalogues.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29That was over 30 years ago! She still looks the same!
0:22:29 > 0:22:30I don't know how she does it.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33# He has a powerful weapon
0:22:33 > 0:22:35# He charges a million a shot. #
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And I had to go outside and flick the big switch.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42You should have seen the paparazzi - unbelievable! I felt like Diana.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Good job I don't have epilepsy.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46CHEERING
0:22:48 > 0:22:49We sang a few Christmas songs
0:22:49 > 0:22:52and then who would you believe showed up?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Sir Paul McCartney!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I'm sure that man's stalking me.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59It was amazing. We sang together...
0:22:59 > 0:23:07# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. #
0:23:07 > 0:23:09See, I knew we'd see each other again.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Special connection.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16But I think the highlight of everything I've done so far
0:23:16 > 0:23:18has been appearing on the Royal Variety Performance
0:23:18 > 0:23:20in front of Prince Charles.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I get emotional just thinking about it now.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25To think I used to sit at home when I was a little boy,
0:23:25 > 0:23:29me and my mummy and daddy, and dream about being on it one day.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31There I was on stage.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Hello.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Well, who'd have thought it?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Little old me on the Royal Variety Performance.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Now I'm about to perform in front of His Royal Highness.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48You'll get your crown eventually - I got mine.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49I met Prince Charles after.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I told him I had him at home on a tea towel, and would you believe?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54He's got one of me!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Said him and Camilla used to vote for me every week.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I'd like to take this opportunity while I'm here to say thanks -
0:24:03 > 0:24:06thanks to each and every one of the people who voted for me.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09My journey so far has been incredible
0:24:09 > 0:24:11and it's all because I had a dream.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Just like Dr Martin Luther King, I had a dream.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17And you've got to have a dream. If you don't have a dream,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20how else are you going to have a dream come true?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Meanwhile, k.d. lang's singing about arseholes.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- SOUNDS LIKE:- # Arseholes. #
0:24:33 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I don't waste my evenings.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50# What do you get when you kiss a guy?
0:24:50 > 0:24:54# You get enough germs to catch pneumonia. #
0:24:54 > 0:24:57After you do, he'll never bone you.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I swear to God, bone you.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Bobbie Gentry, filth. Listen.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05# Enough germs to catch pneumonia
0:25:05 > 0:25:09# After you do, he'll never bone ya. #
0:25:13 > 0:25:15HE MOUTHS
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Filth. I've sang that in the car with my mum!
0:25:21 > 0:25:27# I-I-I believe in you-ou-ou-ou-ou. #
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- You going out tonight? - No, back to my mum's again.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Power-washing the stone cladding,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- after I've taken her to Zumba. - Oh, where does she go?
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Mmm, church hall, Prestolee. Near the crematorium.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Oh, she wants to try Sh'Bam.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46It's the new Zumba, works every muscle group.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48She can come with me.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51St Michael's Primary every Tuesday. Don't, you'll make me yawn.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52How much?
0:25:52 > 0:25:553.50, but they test your cholesterol, as well.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Who does?- Shirley's husband.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Is he trained?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Well, he got a pack from Flora a couple of years back. He uses that.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- Oh, 'ey up, you're wanted here. - Oh, it's Ken from next door.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- You're shitting me.- Don't say anything, don't say anything.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Hiya, Ken!- Hiya, Kayleigh!- Hello!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- This is John from work. - Oh, hi, John.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Come in, why don't you? Come in! - This is Ken.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19That's a hell of a grip, eh? Bet you need that.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Kayleigh, do you fancy going dogging again after Corrie?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25HE CHORTLES
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- You all right? - She just told me a joke, buddy.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30I'll tell you it later, Ken.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34I think we need to have a little chat, Kenneth, all right?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37OK, I'll come out now, Ken.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38OK.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- I'll leave that one with you, Kayleigh.- Shut up.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Shut up!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- I'll see you in the morning! - See you tomorrow.- Yes!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Woof!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Get in there, Ken!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Whoo!
0:26:57 > 0:27:03# I-I-I believe in you-ou-ou-ou-ou. #
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Every time I think of it, I piss myself.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12- SOUNDS LIKE:- # Every time I think of it I piss myself. #
0:27:27 > 0:27:31# You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine
0:27:31 > 0:27:35# You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in. #
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Hey, can I just tell you I do my own choreography,
0:27:38 > 0:27:39in case you were wondering?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45I can't believe you kiss your cock at night.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- SOUNDS LIKE:- # Guys who likes to shine his machine
0:27:47 > 0:27:52# You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# I can't believe you kiss your cock at night. #
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Can't even see mine, let alone kiss it!
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much! Good night.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE