0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08MUSIC: Once Upon A Christmas Song by Geraldine McQueen
0:00:26 > 0:00:28MUSIC: Gloria by Laura Branigan
0:00:40 > 0:00:41# Gloria
0:00:43 > 0:00:45# You're always on the run now
0:00:46 > 0:00:48# Runnin' after somebody... #
0:00:50 > 0:00:52THEY MUMBLE WRONG LYRICS
0:00:53 > 0:00:56# I think you got to nail down #
0:00:57 > 0:01:01- # Before you start to blow it - Ba-da-da-da-da boo-doo
0:01:01 > 0:01:04# I think you're heading for a breakdown
0:01:04 > 0:01:08# So be careful not to show it
0:01:08 > 0:01:11# You really don't remember
0:01:11 > 0:01:15# Was it something that he said?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19# All the voices in your head
0:01:19 > 0:01:22# Calling Gloria... #
0:01:24 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Do you ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks?
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Do you ever do that?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I swear to God, now, you never get used to that.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36As you get older and you dip your biscuit...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Cos you don't know when it's going to fall.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And you panic!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43When it falls... It's like out-of-body.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47It's like slow motion. Like, "Muuuuuum!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52"Get a spoooooon!
0:01:52 > 0:01:56"Me biscuiiiit's fallen in me breeeew!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"Hurry up! It's siiiinkiiiing!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06"Aaaaaargh!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08"Bastaaaard!
0:02:08 > 0:02:11"It's burning me finger!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"Hurry uuuup!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18"You're too laaaate, it's sunk!"
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Rich tea are bad for that.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Rich tea are the worst ones.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29They should be called BLEEPing one-dips, rich tea.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33That's all you get, one dip. You have to be like lightning!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39They're the worst ones, rich tea.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43You have to get four together to get a good chance of getting a dip in.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46They've no backbone. I'm willing them to have a bit of backbone.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50"Come on!" "Oh, I can't, it's too hot, it's too hot!
0:02:50 > 0:02:51"It's too hot!"
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"You're a biscuit, it's your job!"
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Bring the pig hither, come on.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03PIG GRUNTS
0:03:05 > 0:03:08MUSIC: Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere Theme
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Boy, take the pig outside. Round the back. Go on, chop chop.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Come on.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Can't get the staff these days. I do apologise. Go on, chop chop.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36PIG GRUNTS
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Chop chop!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Boy!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51PIG SQUEALS
0:04:01 > 0:04:04PIG SQUEALS
0:04:05 > 0:04:07PIG SQUEALS LOUDLY
0:04:07 > 0:04:08LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:17If only she knew the danger she were in.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23She's the only thing I've got left of any value now... Oh...
0:04:23 > 0:04:24"She?! She?!"
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- It's knackered.- It's not knackered.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33When we've finished, they'll think this lad's a pig gigolo.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Hey, a pigolo.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Exactly.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Loves that. It's Geoff Capes of t'pig world.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Get that pillow thing down in there, you!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47PIG GRUNTS
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Come here! Come on, girl.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55THEME MUSIC CONTINUES
0:05:07 > 0:05:10PIG SQUEALS
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- I couldn't get off!- Are you all right?- I couldn't get off!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:20They're on their arses, rich tea. And they're cocky! They're cocky.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22They don't even fit into your cup,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25you've got to bite a bit off to get 'em in your brew!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29They're not like Hobnobs.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34You see, that's a different class of biscuit, an Hobnob.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Hobnobs are like Marines, Hobnobs. They're like SAS.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41They're like the Steven Seagal of t'biscuit world, an Hobnob.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46You dip an Hobnob, it's like, "Again! Again! Dip me again!
0:05:46 > 0:05:53"Dip me again! I'm going nowhere, me, son! Dip me! Dip me! Dip me!"
0:05:55 > 0:05:57They drink half your brew!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01"Where's me brew gone? Where's me brew?!"
0:06:02 > 0:06:06"You don't dip me, I'll drink the bastard! Again! Again!"
0:06:06 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:14They always leave loads of shit at the bottom of your cup.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16"Ugh!"
0:06:20 > 0:06:22MUSIC: GLORIA CONTINUES
0:06:22 > 0:06:25# Gloria... #
0:06:25 > 0:06:27THEY MUMBLE LYRICS
0:06:29 > 0:06:32# On the main line
0:06:32 > 0:06:34# Or will you catch him on the rebound? #
0:06:36 > 0:06:39THEY MUMBLE
0:06:39 > 0:06:43# Take a lover in the afternoon... #
0:06:43 > 0:06:44THEY GIGGLE
0:06:51 > 0:06:53# You really don't remember
0:06:53 > 0:06:55# Was it something that he said? #
0:06:55 > 0:06:57'I used to do this thing, it's Soft Cell,'
0:06:57 > 0:07:00a band, with Marc Almond, and they did this song,
0:07:00 > 0:07:04and I always imagine, when they didn't have much money, that, erm...
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Marc Almond got his dad to play keyboards on the songs
0:07:07 > 0:07:09when they first started. LAUGHTER
0:07:09 > 0:07:12You press play, Stewart.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14MUSIC: Say Hello, Wave Goodbye by Soft Cell
0:07:16 > 0:07:20# Standing at the door of the Pink Flamingo
0:07:20 > 0:07:23# Crying in the rain... #
0:07:23 > 0:07:25TWO KEYBOARD NOTES
0:07:25 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:29"Was that all right?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"Now?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32"No.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35"Now? No."
0:07:37 > 0:07:41# You and I had to be the standing joke of the year... #
0:07:41 > 0:07:43"Now?" TWO KEYBOARD NOTES
0:07:43 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:48 > 0:07:51And now he starts getting cocky now, he starts getting cocky.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55SEQUENCE OF KEYBOARD NOTES
0:07:55 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:03MUSIC STOPS
0:08:03 > 0:08:04And I used to do that.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06APPLAUSE
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Eyes down, your first number...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The Apollo bingo hall.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16It's 8:20am and Patrick O'Neill arrives late for work.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18'I hate this job.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20'This is the worst job I've ever had
0:08:20 > 0:08:24'and I used to work in a Harvester, and that's saying something.'
0:08:24 > 0:08:27What's got 90 balls and screws old women?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Bingo.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33'I tell you, they pour in, week in, week out, same faces every time.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36'Pensions burning a hole in their shoulder bags, spending every bit
0:08:36 > 0:08:39'of money that they've got, loose change, life savings.'
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Listen to this one, the other night,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I were up there collecting glasses, right? Nice as you please.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Down there, some woman had some kind of a fit or something,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48right in the middle of the game...
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Right in the middle of the game, on her back and on her arse,
0:08:50 > 0:08:54eyes down, she's lying there, but everyone carried on playing.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Nobody moved. They daren't. Cos it's bingo, you can't...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Tom carries on calling, "Six and two, 62..."
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I can't do his voice. Right? Shouts for a supervisor.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Supervisor, she comes running over,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07gets this woman into the recovery position, right?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12But everyone carries on playing. Nobody moved. Know what I mean?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Unbelievable. So everyone's carrying on playing.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Tom shouts for another supervisor to come over.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Janice comes running over to help her husband, right?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Cos he's doing two books.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25He's doing his own and his wife's and he can't manage.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Crime's on its arse. You see, things have changed.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31No-one's bothered.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Years ago, an alarm would go off on your front street.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36You'd be out, you know, "Is everything all right?"
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Giving it good neighbours. "You all right?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"Your alarm were going off...and I'm a bit of a nosy bitch."
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"Are you sure? You're all right, are you sure?"
0:09:43 > 0:09:45That were years ago. Now, no-one's bothered.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"Have you heard that over there?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"Two days that's been going off over there! Two bloody days, eh?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"It's a good job I'm not on nights. Have you heard that?"
0:09:55 > 0:09:57They could be dead! "Look at this!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"26 bottles of milk, the greedy bastards! Look at that, eh?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"What have they got, a lion? Look at all these here!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05"All t'free papers hanging out of t'door."
0:10:05 > 0:10:06It's bad. Crimewatch is bad.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I said to my sister, "Do you watch Crimewatch?"
0:10:08 > 0:10:10She went, "No, I don't watch it any more.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12"It's not as good as it used to be."
0:10:12 > 0:10:14LAUGHTER
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Video fits on Crimewatch.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19If you saw someone who looked like one of them video fits,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21that'd stick in your mind. They're freaks.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26They don't look human. They're just made-up faces.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28It looks like bloody Shrek.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Shrek in a woolly hat and a donkey jacket.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:38If that come up behind you in the Co-op late shop,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40you'd shit yourself!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Can I have 20 Berkeley Red?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44"Get your hands up, mother-stickers!
0:10:44 > 0:10:47"This is a fuck-up!"
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Can you film that, there? Can you film him, Tom Dale?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53That's Tom Dale, the King of the Callers.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Calls himself that. No-one else does.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I hate him. He hates me.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01He's another one that wants rid of me.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02He won't say anything, though. He's a coward.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Either that or it's cos I once saw him in Preston wearing a dress.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Whatever Tom says, goes. Staff included. Bloody bingo Mafia.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13'Women love him, they idolise him.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15'He had a week in Fuengirola this summer,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17'attendance figures dropped by 40%.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19'Ron didn't know what to do.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21'He actually had to come in and do some work. Shit himself.'
0:11:21 > 0:11:24He were lost. Ron's only in today cos you're here.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28If you can, film Tom doing his warm-up before he goes on stage.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32'He does these bloody exercises.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35'He's like one of them American evangelists,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38'and drinks energy drinks before he goes on.'
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I don't know why, cos when he goes onstage,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43he just stands there for 20 minutes.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Tom likes to be centre of attraction all the time,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48especially with the ladies, definitely a ladies' man.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Tom has his favourites, I'm sure.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55It seems, when the session's over, he goes and picks certain people
0:11:55 > 0:11:58out he sits with, and then you can guarantee the next night, they win.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01MUSIC: Let's Get Ready To Rhumble by PJ & Duncan
0:12:01 > 0:12:03# Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic
0:12:03 > 0:12:05# Watch us wreck the mic...
0:12:05 > 0:12:06# Psyche! #
0:12:11 > 0:12:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:12 > 0:12:15'As long as you're a dolly bird, you're all right with Tom.'
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I'd like to go to his caravan some night.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Yeah, see what's going on!
0:12:22 > 0:12:27MUSIC CONTINUES
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Thank you very much. Good evening, winners!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- ALL:- Good evening!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Good evening, losers, thanks for being...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39So many of you coming tonight. Yeah, was the cemetery shut?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Big Sheila's in from Wigan. Hello, Big Sheila, love. You all right?
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Yeah, hello, love.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Wigan's famous for two things - rugby players and beautiful women.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51What position do you play, Sheila?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:56A couple of hellos before we kick off this afternoon.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Elsie? Elsie Jackson, is she in this afternoon? Elsie?
0:12:58 > 0:13:02There you go, hello, Elsie, love. 78 years young today.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05That's from you daughter Sandra and your sister-in-law Sharise.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Many happy returns. I tell you, Elsie, if I was ten years older...
0:13:11 > 0:13:12..you'd be dead.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14LAUGHTER
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Reconstructions are bad on Crimewatch
0:13:16 > 0:13:19cos sometimes in reconstructions, they don't use actors,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22they actually use the staff that were involved in the robbery.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25They get them back in and say, "We're doing a reconstruction."
0:13:25 > 0:13:27As if they're not traumatised enough!
0:13:27 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:32So you've got some old woman shaking like a shitting dog...
0:13:32 > 0:13:3460 quid, cash in hand.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37LAUGHTER
0:13:41 > 0:13:44"All right... All right... You want me here?"
0:13:50 > 0:13:52"And action." "Get on the floor!"
0:13:52 > 0:13:53HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM
0:13:53 > 0:13:56"It's happening again! It's happening again!"
0:13:56 > 0:14:00That's just cruel, that, putting her back through that!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06You always have some manager, right boring manager,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09narrating them reconstructions. He loves it.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12"I usually arrive at work about 20 to eight, ten to eight.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"That particular morning, the morning of the robbery,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"they were doing, er, road servicing works at
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"the roundabout and the dual carriageway was gridlocked..."
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Get on with it, son, you're up against Bad Girls, here!
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Cut to t'chase, will you?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"I usually open up in the mornings when I arrive."
0:14:28 > 0:14:30IMITATES SHUTTER OPENING
0:14:30 > 0:14:31"Morning, Jean!"
0:14:31 > 0:14:33That's wrong - Jean's been locked in!
0:14:33 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:36"Morning, Jean!"
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Cut that out.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48"Morning, Jean." "About time and all, I've been here all night!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"I thought you were never going to come!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"I daren't move in case the alarm goes off!"
0:14:58 > 0:15:02"Where's Frank? He's late this morning." Proper wooden.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Frank comes on...
0:15:04 > 0:15:07OLDER VOICE: "As I was driving towards work,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"I noticed a small, white Transit van."
0:15:10 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:16"It was parked diagonally across both lanes. There were..."
0:15:16 > 0:15:18HE STAMMERS
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"There were two men discussing something...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26"There were two men discussing something.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"I don't know what it was, but they both had sawn-off shotguns.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34"I couldn't, yeah, I couldn't quite see their faces clearly,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"as they were both wearing ski masks.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41"I thought, that's odd, as it hadn't snowed in months."
0:15:43 > 0:15:47He saw it all, him. It's bad.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50They never swear when they come in as well on them reconstructions.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52"Come on, get on the floor, you sponge! Come on!
0:15:52 > 0:15:56"Get that flipping safe open, you melon! Come on!"
0:15:56 > 0:15:57How realistic's that?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59And there's a family fun day today
0:15:59 > 0:16:02at the soon to be re-restored Phoenix Club in Bolton.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04The fun starts at two o'clock.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06You're listening to the what's on guide on Chorley FM,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09where the listener comes first.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11MUSIC: Keep On Movin' by 5ive
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Howdy. Where do you want it?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- What is it? - Inflatable for Brian Potter.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Sounds like a good swap.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Set it up out here.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31People stop at nothing to get on television now, hence...
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Embarrassing Bodies. Oh, my God! What's going on with that programme?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38They're not embarrassed about their bodies at all.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40If you're embarrassed, you don't climb in the back of a truck
0:16:40 > 0:16:42in Leeds and drop your drawers!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45What's going on there? Have some self-respect!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Talk about scraping t'barrel. We're through t'wood.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51See Jackie t'other week with t'hairy back?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54What were all that about? It's like a werewolf.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58MOCK TEARFUL: "I've had this condition for about six years now.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01"I just don't know what else to do. I can't cope any more.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03"Everyone's laughing at me.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06"Every time I lift my breasts up, they fart."
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Well, you want to get your jugs out on national television, flower.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16That's your best bet. That'll solve a million problems, that will.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18See that one, "My vagina's too big?"
0:17:18 > 0:17:22You must have seen that one! It looked like a manhole, literally!
0:17:22 > 0:17:23I swear to God! Ugh!
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Close your legs, it's like an eclipse! What are you doing there?!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Flick over? I nearly kicked t'telly off t'wall!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35It's pleased to see you!
0:17:35 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:36 > 0:17:40How about that? You all want one, don't you?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Look, what it is, is we're struggling here.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I've sorted all this out, right? Just relax, will you?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49You're twistin' me melon, man. Everyone knows what they're doing.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Everything's going to be all right.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Oh, my God! Sweet Jesus of Nazareth!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Well? What do you think?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- It's not a castle. - You never said a castle.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- We're not having that. - I said I want an inflatable.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06It IS an inflatable.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10It's...inflatable filth, that's what it is!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- It's almost as big as mine, that.- Where did you get it?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Big festival in Amsterdam. It's one of a set.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I've got the other in the van, do you want to see it?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- No, I do not! - We're not having that.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23You're damn right we're not having it, Jerry, it's going back.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Go on, take it.- But, Brian...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- It's a family fun day, man!- Yeah?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32There's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a...
0:18:32 > 0:18:33love length.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35THEY SNIGGER
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- On a what?- Can we not disguise it?
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Yeah, yeah, we'll put a woolly hat on it and say it's you.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- It's not what it looks, Brian. - It's not how it looks?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49It's a 20-foot cock and balls, man!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51It don't look like nothing else!
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Get me Zantac, Kenny.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55It's not happening. What's so funny?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Hey, lads...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59he thinks this is how you have to have it.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03No, Brian. The cock's optional.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07All you have to do is strap it down, whack the tarpaulin over them
0:19:07 > 0:19:11and hey, presto - Sammy Snake.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13"Sammy Snake"?!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15It's only got one eye.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17No, it hasn't.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Ta-da!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21What about the balls?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Snake's eggs.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Kids love reptiles. Brian, you'll make a fortune.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Are you going to do Phoenix Nights again?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Would you go back to the old characters?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Will you do more with Geraldine or are you always looking forward?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I'm going to do something completely different.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I like doing things that I've never... You know when it's that
0:19:43 > 0:19:46whole thing, if something scares you, you should do it? Argh!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER But the thing is...
0:19:48 > 0:19:50How childish! How childish!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I was ready for that. I could see you were going to do something.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54No, you saw it coming.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Argh!- Argh!
0:19:56 > 0:20:00The thing is, I'd like to do, I think...
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Hey!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- LAUGHTER - Argh!- Oh, too quick.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08If someone's just tuned in... Two blokes going, "Argh! Ooh! Argh!"
0:20:08 > 0:20:10They'd love this in Czechoslovakia.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12LAUGHTER
0:20:12 > 0:20:14They'd love it.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Erm, OK, so you've got no plans to go back to anything old?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- Cos I was thinking... - Why are you rushing? Slow down.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:25Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26I was thinking...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- I know, they're beautiful. - Take that home.- No.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Go easy on them crisps, Stephen. Save me some.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Erm, Peter... - Who are you talking to?- Yes, you.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- You know I'm talking to you! - Someone said, "Yes, OK" in your ear.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Yeah, they said...- "Get him off!"
0:20:46 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I'm going. That's me done.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- No!- Come on!- A couple more.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55No, I hate the bit when you're wrapping up. It's really...
0:20:55 > 0:20:56No, no, no, don't be like that.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59It's like how you tie it all up. You're not good at that.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02LAUGHTER You've never been good at that.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- I won't subject myself to this. - It's only every two years.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- I know, but just come on and be nice.- One more thing, right?- Yeah.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15When I'm... Argh!
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Hey!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18CHEERING
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Damn it! Damn it!
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Damn it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I'm telling you, Jerry.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26You've got to have eyes on the back of your arse in this business.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- What's that?- What's what?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- That.- Oh, that?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33That's my Big Pink Paradise.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37It's for the kids. Come on, I'll show you. Come on, Jerry.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Come on, up and at 'em.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40That's it. What do you think, eh?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- My Big Pink Paradise.- No, no, no.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- What?- It's a portable toilet.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Forget them.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50WAS a portable toilet, Jerry, it WAS a portable toilet. Not any more.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Now it's a playroom for the kids. What do you think?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- I've got the climbing frame there, look.- What's that?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58For the kids, the little 'uns.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Scaffolding?! Have you gone mad?!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Come and feel this. That'll take a kid's eye out, that.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Bit of bubble wrap, Jerry, it'll be right as rain. You'll never tell.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Look at that there, ball pool, look. Where have you got these balls from?
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Off the roof. Give 'em a rinse, good as new. Look at these, Jerry.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Brian Potter and the Hurricane Hand-dryers. Watch this.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19HAND-DRYER STARTS
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Oooh!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Blast of air as they're running past, in their hair,
0:22:23 > 0:22:24they'll love it.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26They love anything like that, little 'uns.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Why's everything got Potter on it? - Potter's all the rage, Jerry.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- Kids love Potter. Do you not go to the pictures?- No.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I've not forgot you though, Jerry, I've not forgot you.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39I've got you in here. Look at that, Jerry the Berry Fruity Penny Chews.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Please God tell me that's not a condom machine.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45WAS a condom machine, now it does penny chews, 10p a piece.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I don't know how I think 'em up, Jerry. I frighten myself.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- All you've got to do now is get into your costume.- Costume?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- What costume ?- I've told you...
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Jerry the Berry.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55UPBEAT MUSIC STARTS
0:22:55 > 0:22:58# Oh, there'll be lots of laughter here today
0:22:58 > 0:23:00# Ba-da-da-da-da!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02# Come and join the fun in our parade
0:23:02 > 0:23:03# Yee-ha!
0:23:03 > 0:23:07# Mums and dads, boys and girls, grannies and grandads, too
0:23:07 > 0:23:10# We've got lots of incredible things for you
0:23:10 > 0:23:14# At the Phoenix fun day Come and join the gang
0:23:14 > 0:23:18# The Phoenix fun day, the best in all the land
0:23:18 > 0:23:22# What's the place we all love best?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25# The Phoenix, the Phoenix, forget about all the rest, oi! #
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Three, two, one...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34CHEERING
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Hugh... Hugh, are you...?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Hugh Jackman, ladies and gentlemen.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Hugh Jackman.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42CHEERING
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Everything still...?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Genuinely you've hurt something? Come and sit down.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- I'll get you a glass of water. - Oh, hang on a sec, hang on a sec...
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Argh!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Oh!- Yes!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58CHEERING
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Yes!- Yes!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Yeah!- Yeah!
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Get out, you're a bad influence! He's a bad influence.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10MUSIC: WALKING ON SUNSHINE
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- # Said I'm walking on sunshine - Whoa, yeah
0:24:14 > 0:24:16# Oh, I'm walking on sunshine... #
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- Your lad's let himself go. Is he on steroids?- He's a berry, Perry.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22He's Jerry the Berry, Perry.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23All the way, all the way.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Turn it, come on! Oh, look at that!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Uh-oh.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34# Oh, I used to think, baby, you loved me,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36# Now I know that it's true
0:24:39 > 0:24:45# Oh, but I just can't wait my whole life just a-waiting for you... #
0:24:45 > 0:24:47AUDIENCE GASP
0:24:48 > 0:24:51# See, I don't want you back for the weekend... #
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Oh, my God.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Argh!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Get it down! Get it down!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Oh, you've excelled yourself this time, Potter!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Eh? Family fun day?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- Ha-ha-ha!- Get it down!
0:25:06 > 0:25:07# Walking on sunshine... #
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Watch the berry! Here we go!
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Keep moving. # Don't it feel good? #
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Oh! Oh!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25It's going to blow! Get back!
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Brian!
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Brian!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29BANG!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34MUSIC: (Is This The Way To) Amarillo by Tony Christie
0:25:40 > 0:25:42# When the day is dawning
0:25:43 > 0:25:46# On a Texas Sunday morning
0:25:47 > 0:25:49# How I long to be there
0:25:51 > 0:25:54# With Marie who's waiting for me there
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- # Every lonely city - La-la-la la-la
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- # Where I hang my hat - La-la-la la-la
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# Ain't as half as pretty
0:26:04 > 0:26:08# As where my baby's at
0:26:08 > 0:26:12# Is this the way to Amarillo?
0:26:12 > 0:26:16# Every night I've been huggin' my pillow
0:26:16 > 0:26:19# Dreamin' dreams of Amarillo
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# And sweet Marie who waits for me
0:26:22 > 0:26:26# Show me the way to Amarillo
0:26:26 > 0:26:30# I've been weepin' like a willow
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# Cryin' over Amarillo
0:26:33 > 0:26:35# And sweet Marie who waits for me
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:26:40 > 0:26:44# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:26:44 > 0:26:48# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# And Marie who waits for me
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# There's a church bell ringin'
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# Hear the song of joy that it's singin'
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# For the sweet Maria
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# And the guy who's comin' to see her
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- # Just beyond the highway - La-la-la la-la
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- # There's an open plain - La-la-la la-la
0:27:12 > 0:27:16# And it keeps me goin'
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# Through the wind and rain
0:27:19 > 0:27:23# Is this the way to Amarillo?
0:27:23 > 0:27:27# Every night I've been huggin' my pillow
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# Dreamin' dreams of Amarillo
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# And sweet Marie who waits for me
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:27:37 > 0:27:41# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:27:41 > 0:27:44# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# And Marie who waits for me
0:27:48 > 0:27:52# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:27:55 > 0:27:59# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# And Marie who waits for me
0:28:02 > 0:28:06# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:28:06 > 0:28:10# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:28:10 > 0:28:13# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# And Marie who waits for me
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:28:21 > 0:28:24# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
0:28:24 > 0:28:26# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la... #
0:28:28 > 0:28:32MUSIC: Once Upon A Christmas Song by Geraldine McQueen