0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# La-la
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. #
0:00:26 > 0:00:28RADIO FREQUENCY SHUFFLES
0:00:28 > 0:00:32..RADIO: And we've got television's Bob Carolgees...
0:00:32 > 0:00:36MUSIC: Let's Hear It For The Boy by Deniece Williams
0:00:36 > 0:00:40- Right!- Hey! I'm reading that! - Get up.- What?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- Get up!- I'm not a rag doll! I'm not a rag doll, you know.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I'm just going to show you a few simple dance moves, that's all.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51- You're going to show ME how to dance?- Yes.- This I've got to see.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- That's just line dancing. Anybody can do that.- Is it?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07# Let's hear it for the boy... #
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- Where'd you learn that? - On the streets.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Look and learn, flower, look and learn. Here we go.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20Right, come on. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24# Maybe he's no Romeo, but he's my loving one-man show
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# Whoa-oh-oh-oh!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# Let's hear it for the boy
0:01:37 > 0:01:43# My baby may not be rich, he's watching every dime
0:01:45 > 0:01:47# But he loves me, loves me, loves me
0:01:47 > 0:01:50# We always have a real good time
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# And maybe he sings off-key,
0:01:56 > 0:02:00# but that's all right by me, yeah... #
0:02:00 > 0:02:02MAX GIGGLES
0:02:02 > 0:02:05# But what he does, he does so well, makes me wanna yell... #
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Is this really necessary? - Yes, it is.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Women love a bit of bump and grind,
0:02:09 > 0:02:13trust me. You're a man, I'm a woman, and you want me!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Yeah! That's right, you want me, I'm a woman!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I'm a woman and you want me!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21DUCKS QUACK IN ALARM
0:02:21 > 0:02:25# Maybe he's no Romeo, but he's my lovin' one-man show
0:02:25 > 0:02:27# Whoa-oh-oh-oh... #
0:02:27 > 0:02:32- Now, the most important thing to remember is balance.- Balance!- Yes.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Balance.- Give me a spin.- Yeah.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39- That's it, that's right, you've got it.- Is that it?- You're a natural.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I like it, Max, I like it.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43MAX YELLS
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- IN HELIUM VOICE: - Oh, God, go and get help!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49My balls have gone up into my stomach!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52# I just want to cheer, let's hear it for the boy
0:02:52 > 0:02:56# Oh, let's give the boy a hand
0:02:57 > 0:03:02# Let's hear it for my baby, you know you've got to understand
0:03:05 > 0:03:09# Oh, maybe he's no Romeo, but he's my lovin' one-man show
0:03:09 > 0:03:12# Oh-whoa-whoa-whoa!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14# Let's hear it for the boy... #
0:03:16 > 0:03:21Just been away. Just been t'Egypt.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:26That's how they pronounce it in Bolton.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28T'Egypt.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33My nan said, "When you going t'Egypt?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34"When you going t'Egypt?"
0:03:35 > 0:03:39She said, "Are you not on that t'internet yet?"
0:03:39 > 0:03:41On that t'internet?
0:03:41 > 0:03:42T'internet!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45"You want to get that t'internet, that's what you want to do!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47"Get on that t'internet!"
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Showing you.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53People talk with their hands, don't they? Computer.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"You know, the computer?"
0:03:55 > 0:04:00"You know? Phone!" You know when they do that? "Phone for you! Phone!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02"Phone for you!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05"Janet, phone for you! For you! Phone!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"Phone! Phone for you! Phone!"
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"Want a drink?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"Want a drink? Want a brew?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15"Cup of tea? Brew?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19"Want a drink?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"Drink?"
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"Drink? Yeah, I'll have a drink.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26"Thanks!"
0:04:26 > 0:04:28You won't know if I didn't do that.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"When are you going on your holidays?" This is the best one.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36"When are you going on your holidays?" "Not til end of June."
0:04:38 > 0:04:41End of June!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43"When are you going?" "End of June."
0:04:43 > 0:04:47"That's a fancy watch, Where'd you get that from? End of June!"
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Buy one of them, end of June.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52"Where you going?" "Tenerife."
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"Where?" "Tenerife." "Over there, is it? Tenerife?"
0:04:56 > 0:04:58"Then we're going to Scotland. Tenerife, Scotland.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02"Not next week, week after.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06"Not next week, week after. Not next week, week after.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"Not tomorrow, day after."
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Flipping calendar.
0:05:14 > 0:05:21MUSIC: Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Sorry, I opened my eyes then. - HE LAUGHS
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I just opened my eyes. Is that when you're doing the...?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- We're filming now. This is the bit! - I know, sorry.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- I thought we were...- Bloody hell fire!- I thought we'd stopped!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Right, let's do it again.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Well, you didn't have to call him an effing arsehole!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Well, he is an arsehole, John!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44He is an arsehole, I hate him! Did you hear him?
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- IN BIZARRE ACCENT:- "Oh, that's got to shut down. Going to kick her...arse..." Sorry...- What?!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51What the bloody hell's going on?!
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Well, you did, did you hear him?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- IN MASCULINE VOICE:- "Oh, I'm going to, to..."
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- What?!- "Oh, but..."- What?! - I forgot my accent.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Well, you didn't have to call him an effing arsehole, did you?!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- Well, he is an effing arsehole! - You didn't have to say that!- Well, I did, John. Did you hear him?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- IN BAD ASIAN ACCENT: - "Someone's got to shut down."
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- What are you doing?! LAUGHING:- I don't know! - HE IMITATES HER
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Well, what happened? Did you set a date and everything?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- No, we never got that far. - Then what happened to her ring?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22THE ring.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Well, what happened to the ring?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Oh, there's no need for that, is there?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34No-one would think that from that sentence.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Let's hear it for Albert! Albert's a registered diabetic.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Come on, the louder you scream, the faster the ride!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43You know the rules, folks, come on!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47What else are you going to do with your afternoons?
0:06:47 > 0:06:52Come on, son! You nearly hit the pensioners' record! Here we go!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Come on!- There he is!- Who?- Ray Von.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- But Perry thinks he's back on the waltzers.- Ay.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Look at this lot, though! I've not seen them this excited since
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- they printed that paedophile's address in t'paper.- I know.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05YELLING
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Oh, shit. Not another one.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Hey-hey!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10CHEERING
0:07:10 > 0:07:15Let's get another victim up! Just a little joke there from Ray! Come on!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I tell you, you know what we should have, don't you?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- St John's Ambulance? - Wild West night.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21- You reckon?- I do, indeed.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23What with that thing there, get some of them cowboys in,
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- do a bit about gunslinging, get some line dancing going.- Line dancing?
0:07:27 > 0:07:28- Yeah.- It's a bit "all that."
0:07:28 > 0:07:31No, Den Perry had it every week and it was sold out. Made a fortune.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Did he?- He did.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I draw the line at lynching.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- You speak the Japanese? - Yeah, 'tis my mother tongue.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45HE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Ooh.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Sorry.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Er, 'tis my mother tongue. - HE TRIES SPEAKING IN JAPANESE
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- SHE LAUGHS Sorry! Sorry.- Sorry?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Here we go.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- Um...- Shall I say...?- No, no.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I just want to be able to come straight out with it.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Um, 'tis my mother tongue.- Oh?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- HE ATTEMPTS HIS LINES IN JAPANESE - Oh.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Um, 'tis my mother tongue... - HE TRIES TO SPEAK JAPANESE
0:08:16 > 0:08:18'tis my mother...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- 'tis my mother tongue.- Oh?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24HE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Oh, no.- I'll do it again.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35He loved the sun, my dad, which always made me wonder why
0:08:35 > 0:08:38we always went to Butlin's for two weeks every year and it always rained.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Only time I ever saw my dad cry were at Butlin's, Filey.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44And when he trapped his balls in a sun lounger!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Oh, oh, yes! We went to Lloret De Mar, it's over there.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Lloret De Mar.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52And he got one of them white plastic sunloungers
0:08:52 > 0:08:53at t'side of t'pool,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56but it had a crack right up t'middle of it, right?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Gets to t'pool, sits on it, and when he puts his weight to the back...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04of the lounger...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06thus opening the crack.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10More like a man-trap opening.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12He didn't see a thing.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Everything fell through, just fell through. Plop, that were it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18You got the family jewels swinging in the wind now.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You know you've been in water and they hang lower, as well?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24They were that far from the concrete now, swinging down there.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28I went past on my lilo, pissed my sides, didn't say a thing.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"This is the life!
0:09:30 > 0:09:31"Bit of San Miguel.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"Deirdre, where's my sun hat, that sun's roasting, where's my sun hat?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"Pass my hat, there, will you, love? Pass my hat there.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41"I can't reach it, just pass my... H-A-AAAAAAT!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45HIGH-PITCHED: "Suffering Jesus!"
0:09:47 > 0:09:50It took five of us to get him in t'back of t'ambulance,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53towel wrapped around him, still sat on t'sunlounger.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"Deirdre, Deirdre, Deirdre!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"Go and pick my dick up, go get my dick, love!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01"Pick it. Get it. Quick. If it rolls in the pool,
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"they can sew it back on. Put it in ice."
0:10:05 > 0:10:09He spent the next two weeks kicking his balls down the beach like that.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Yeah. I trained there '86 to '95, boom time.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19'86 to '95, boom time!
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Yeah.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Huh.- Huh.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25OK.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Yeah, I trained there '86 to '95, boom time!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36We'll start again now.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Oh...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39This is it, now, stupid.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Yeah. No, here we go.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Yeah.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46No, here we go. This is it.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Yeah, I trained there.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51'86 to '95, boom time!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I went...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- I don't even care.- You're doing it deliberately, mate.- No, I'm not!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Have it.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Oh, yes.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22HE EXHALES
0:11:22 > 0:11:26So, cowboys and cowgirls, we've got a very special treat for you now,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29so will you give a mighty Phoenix welcome to a fabulous act!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31It's Wild Bill and Trigger.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34CHEERING
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I'm Wild Bill.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Say hello to Trigger.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46MUSIC: Theme from The Big Country by Jerome Moross
0:11:50 > 0:11:53There is a horse in my cabaret suite.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Are you? Because we've had this conversation.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- Hey.- Ah!- What are you doing? - Get this pumped up!
0:12:02 > 0:12:05I was a very naughty boy to this song many moons a ba...ba-ba.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07MUSIC: Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Pump this up!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- I was a very... Oh. - # Na na na na na na na... #
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Pump this up.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I was a very naughty boy back...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Oh, this is it.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Pump this up.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I was a very naughty boy to this song.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Here we go. Oh-ho-ho!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Pump this up.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I was a very naughty boy back... Oh.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Pump this up!
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I was a very naughty boy to this song many moons ago...
0:12:34 > 0:12:36back in Okinawa.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39What's he doing now?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42MUSIC: Theme from The Big Country by Jerome Moross
0:12:42 > 0:12:44He's digging for gold.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- Beautiful! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:46 > 0:12:48What a clever boy.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Well, what do you think?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57There is a horse in my cabaret suite.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I know, he's brilliant, isn't he?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Is it real?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Down.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07That's a good boy.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Oh, it's real, my friend.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10It's real. You'd better believe it.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I'll clean it up.
0:13:12 > 0:13:1330 grand, that cork floor.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16# Na na na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na... #
0:13:16 > 0:13:17- Oi, what are you doing?- Ah!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Get it pumped up.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21# Na na na na
0:13:23 > 0:13:25# Na na-na-na-na
0:13:25 > 0:13:27# Na-na-na-na Na na na na
0:13:27 > 0:13:30# Na-na-na-na... #
0:13:30 > 0:13:32This is it. Here we go now.
0:13:32 > 0:13:39HE SCATS INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:13:39 > 0:13:40What?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42# Still love you like that, murderer... #
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Here we go now.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45# Here comes the hotstepper
0:13:45 > 0:13:47# A little, little dance floor... #
0:13:51 > 0:13:52What?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54# Ch-ch-chang-chang
0:13:54 > 0:13:55# Here comes the hot stepper
0:13:55 > 0:13:58# I'm a lyrical dance-flap... #
0:13:58 > 0:14:00It's not "dance-flap"!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04# Still love you like that Murderer... #
0:14:04 > 0:14:06"I'm a lyrical dance-flap".
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Here we go, now Here we go, now.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11# Here come the hotstepper
0:14:11 > 0:14:13# The lyrical dance floor... #
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I can't fucking cope.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:14:21 > 0:14:24# You don't know my dung
0:14:25 > 0:14:28HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:14:28 > 0:14:31# For you do not know Doh-doh
0:14:31 > 0:14:33# Refrigerate my ass. #
0:14:33 > 0:14:38# Understand I'm the daddy of the mack daddy... #
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- # Here come the hotstepper - # Murderer
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- # I'm the lyrical gangster - # Dance flower... #
0:14:46 > 0:14:48# Like that
0:14:48 > 0:14:50# Stepper
0:14:50 > 0:14:52# On the little, little dance floor
0:14:52 > 0:14:54# Pick up the crew in the area
0:14:54 > 0:14:56# When you love me like that... #
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Cut!- What?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Let's have a sing-along.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03# There she was just walking down the street, singing
0:15:03 > 0:15:07# Doo-wah-diddy Diddy-dum-diddy-doo
0:15:07 > 0:15:11# Popping her fingers and shuffling her feet, singing
0:15:11 > 0:15:14# Doo-wah-diddy Diddy-dum-diddy-doo
0:15:14 > 0:15:16# She looked good
0:15:16 > 0:15:17# Looked good... #
0:15:17 > 0:15:21How? How does she look good? LAUGHTER
0:15:21 > 0:15:23She's shuffling her feet and clicking her fingers.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26She's like that.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31APPLAUSE
0:15:31 > 0:15:33How does that look good? What a load of bollocks.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35# Where did you come from? Where did you go?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37# Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe...? #
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Brian Potter.- Colin, baby, I thought it were you. How are you?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I've not seen you for donkey's years.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43I hope your money's not gone up.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46How are you keeping? Last time I saw you in Barracuda Club.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- There you were in a double act with, what's her name?- Minnie Haha.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Minnie Haha, yeah.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Not laughing now, is she? Lost her leg to diabetes, poor cow.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- Anyway, I've got Trigger now.- Yeah, you have. She's a beauty. Yeah.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Sorry, he. Christ, nearly had my eye out. Blooming hell.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Would you mind if I put him in that other room over there?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- It's pissing down outside. - It's pissing down in here,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07and shitting on 40 grand's worth of cork floor.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And you both... No, you can forget it.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Get out, then. Get away from me.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16He doesn't change, does he?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- No. Stick him in the Pennine Suite. He'll never know.- Right.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Let's see what happened a few days ago,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30when Geraldine made an emotional journey back home.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:33 > 0:16:37MUSIC: Fix You by Coldplay
0:16:37 > 0:16:39CHEERING Look at this.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42All the children are out. All the children are out!
0:16:42 > 0:16:43They've all got my face.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46They've all got my face. Look at this.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49CHEERING
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Now, I don't know if you know, but I used to go to this school.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I used to sit down there when I was a little boy.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Would anybody like to ask me anything?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11You, son.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Have you got a dick?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14# Tell my ma when I go home
0:17:14 > 0:17:16# The boys won't leave the girls alone
0:17:16 > 0:17:18# Pulled my hair They stole my comb
0:17:18 > 0:17:20# And that's all right till I go home
0:17:20 > 0:17:22# She is handsome She is pretty
0:17:22 > 0:17:23# She's the belle of Belfast City
0:17:23 > 0:17:25# She is courting One, two, three
0:17:25 > 0:17:27# Please won't you tell me who is she? #
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Look what they've done.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30What are they like?
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Oh, sure, we're just so proud of her.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37We don't care if it's a man or a woman, I'm telling you.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39All the best, Geraldine. You go in and you do us proud.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- You win it, girl. - CAR HORN HONKS
0:17:41 > 0:17:43'Everybody has been so supportive,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47'which I've found funny because, before I was in the competition,'
0:17:47 > 0:17:49people wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire...
0:17:49 > 0:17:50That's me.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52..and now I believe they would.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54MUSIC: Mama by Spice Girls
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I called to see my mummy while I was home, which wasn't easy,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01as we've not really seen eye-to-eye for a long time now.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07'I don't want to know a thing about it. Not one thing.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09'I finished with that boy when I found him in his daddy's shed'
0:18:09 > 0:18:12wearing a "Cross your heart, lift and separate."
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Now, that sent my Joe to an early grave, that did.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Well, that and the...the HIV.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22< I don't want to see her!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25No. She is no son of mine.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27# I didn't mean to be so bad...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30The last 12 months have been so tough for me,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and I've lost so much in finding myself,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34my friends, my family,
0:18:34 > 0:18:35and my penis.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38That's why I can't lose this competition.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42# Every day is so wonderful
0:18:42 > 0:18:49# Then suddenly it's hard to breathe
0:18:51 > 0:18:56# I am beautiful no matter what they say
0:18:56 > 0:19:01# Yes, words can't bring me down
0:19:03 > 0:19:06# I am beautiful in every single way... #
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And, if I win, I'll be doing it for one person,
0:19:09 > 0:19:13and that'll be me, Geraldine,
0:19:13 > 0:19:14cos she's all I've got left.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16# Oh
0:19:16 > 0:19:21# So don't you bring me down today. #
0:19:21 > 0:19:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:24 > 0:19:26HORSE SNORTS
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Are you a pet man? Do you have pets at home?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37No, we had a dog once called Oscar...
0:19:37 > 0:19:38but nothing since.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Nothing since?- Nothing since, no. - I'm scared to ask what happened.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Oh, he got attacked by some other dogs.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44- That happens all the time.- Yeah.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47There was a horrendous one this morning on the news -
0:19:47 > 0:19:48a guide dog being attacked.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51It were a bit of a thing, Oscar, he used to get his lipstick out
0:19:51 > 0:19:53and walk around t'front room - I think you know what I'm saying.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55You know when they get fruity, and they can't help it?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- LAUGHS:- He doesn't understand that. - Pardon? Dogs' lipstick.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Eamonn?- Cosmetics? I don't...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03There's doggy coats, doggy cosmetics?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Yeah, lipsticks.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07You know when they get their lipsticks out? Eamonn?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Dogs' lipsticks? - What, are they gay dogs?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Whoa, hang on a minute. Come on.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Some of my best friends are KAY. - Yes?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Me Uncle Tony, me Auntie Jean.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20No, it's... I'll tell you later.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Well, now, I know...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I know, with her, it's something dirty.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- I know that's... - Have you got a pen? I'll draw it.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Have you got a lipstick? I'll show it.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I'll get on me hind legs, and walk round...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Have you got a lipstick? - You see, the thing about her is...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Don't let him do that.- Come on.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- It's like this.- I've no idea what he's talking about.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44You got a...? Anyone got a lipstick?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- No idea.- Go on.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- What is he doing?- That's what they used t'do. Used to do that
0:20:50 > 0:20:52at t'middle of Quantum Leap. Every Tuesday night.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Can we have make-up on the floor, please?- I need lipstick.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Make-up on the floor. Make up, chop!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Have we got a make-up artist? She's crying here, she's running.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Come on.- If this is anything you're embarrassing me with,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05or going to let me down in public.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- What?- What?! - I can't explain it...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09You must have had a dog. Have you ever had a dog?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- I've never had a dog.- You must...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13You know about dogs, don't you?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Come here, let me tell you. - I don't really do animals.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Come here.- What? I have a microphone, be careful.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- You might get flu. - It's a dog's lipstick...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22It's... You know what I mean?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Come on, it's his... - Right, anyway...
0:21:26 > 0:21:27- Anyway.- ..what's the next story?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29You've got children, man. You've got children.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31How did that happen?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Way! Got it. Go on.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Oh, God.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- Before we go any further... - What camera are we on?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44..we don't want any old, mucky talk.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Zoom in, zoom in.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Oh, don't look at this. - Zoom in on that.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Hang on, wrong way.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51THEY LAUGH
0:21:51 > 0:21:53That...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56is a lipstick, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59We had a little discussion last time I was on, last year,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01about a dog's lipstick.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Eamonn didn't know what I was on about.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I don't know if that might enlighten you somehow.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09I'm not a vet...
0:22:11 > 0:22:13..just saying.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- Don't...- She's crying again now.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16She's crying again.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21HORSE GULPS
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- You can't go to work like that. - What?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25What are you going to do to do? Look at the state of you.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I'll just have a quick shower in the disabled bogs, it'll be fine.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're laughing, missy,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42but when I go, that'll be it - finito-binito.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43We're a dying breed.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45There'll always be fish,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- but there won't always be fish-fongers.- Who?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52There'll always be fish... Uh-huh.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55There's an horse in the Jocky Wilson Suite.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Yeah, right. FROM OTHER ROOM:- Look at the size of it.- Come on, quick.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- Typical Yorkshire.- Get me in.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04HORSE GRUNTS ANGRILY
0:23:04 > 0:23:05There you are. Told you.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09HORSE WHINNIES ANGRILY
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- What's up with it? - What's up with it?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It's... It's pissed, that's what's up with it.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Get Colin Bibby. Let go of me.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- How do you know?- I don't know - I know a pissed horse when I see one.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Get it a kebab.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I tell you what, I would not want to be a woman.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29They're only good for two things - cooking and pffff...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31can't shift... That moved.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Oh, my God.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38What's he doing?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- Kenny, pull it off.- You what?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I'm not pulling off a horse.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45We've not got a licence for this.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Kenny, get the mop.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49You better get in there,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51all hell's breaking loose.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Who's taught him that?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57HE YELPS
0:23:57 > 0:23:58MUFFLED THREATS
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- KAYLEIGH: - Don't look. No eye contact.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Hurry up. Hurry up, love, move forward.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04KAYLEIGH HUMS, THREATS CONTINUE
0:24:08 > 0:24:10MUFFLED THREATS BLEEP off, will you,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12for BLEEP's sake, you psychopath.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18MUSIC: Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen
0:24:18 > 0:24:20CHEERING
0:24:27 > 0:24:30# When you let me in I want to be your friend
0:24:30 > 0:24:33# I want to guard your dreams and visions
0:24:33 > 0:24:37# Just wrap your legs round these velvet rims
0:24:37 > 0:24:40# And strap your hands 'cross my engines
0:24:40 > 0:24:44# Together we could break this trap
0:24:44 > 0:24:48# We'll run til we drop and, baby, we'll never go back
0:24:49 > 0:24:53# Whoa Someday, girl, I don't know when
0:24:53 > 0:24:56# We're going to get to that place
0:24:56 > 0:24:58# Where we really want to go
0:24:58 > 0:25:00# And we'll walk in the sun
0:25:00 > 0:25:02# But tramps like us
0:25:02 > 0:25:07# Baby, we were born to ruuuun
0:25:09 > 0:25:13# Baby, we were born to ruuuun
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# Baby, we were born...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# Baby, we were born... #
0:25:21 > 0:25:25# Born free
0:25:25 > 0:25:28# And life is worth living
0:25:30 > 0:25:33# But only worth living
0:25:33 > 0:25:39# Cos you're born free... #
0:25:40 > 0:25:43# Nelson Mandela
0:25:43 > 0:25:46# Free, free, free
0:25:46 > 0:25:50# Nelson Mandela
0:25:57 > 0:26:01# 21 years in captivity
0:26:01 > 0:26:05# Shoes too small to fit his feet
0:26:05 > 0:26:08# His body abused but his mind is free
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# Are you so blind that you cannot see?
0:26:12 > 0:26:17# Free Nelson Mandela
0:26:20 > 0:26:24# Free Nelson Mandela... #
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# Ella, ella, ella eh, eh, eh
0:26:27 > 0:26:32# Under my umbrella ella, ella, eh, eh, eh
0:26:32 > 0:26:38# Under my umbrella ella, ella, eh, eh, eh
0:26:38 > 0:26:43# Under my umbrella ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh... #
0:26:44 > 0:26:46# Hey, boy sittin' in your tree
0:26:46 > 0:26:48# Mummy always wants you to come for tea
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# Don't be shy, straighten up your tie
0:26:50 > 0:26:53# Get down from your treehouse sittin' in the sky
0:26:53 > 0:26:57# Got to let me in Hey, hey, hey
0:26:57 > 0:26:59# Let the fun begin
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# Hey
0:27:02 > 0:27:06# I'm the wolf today Hey, hey, hey
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# I'll huff, I'll puff
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# I'll huff, I'll puff I'll blow you away
0:27:10 > 0:27:14# Say you won't Say you'll do what I don't
0:27:14 > 0:27:17# You you're true Say to me
0:27:17 > 0:27:18# C'est la vie
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# Say you will, say you won't
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# Say you'll do what I don't
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# Say you're true, say to me
0:27:25 > 0:27:29# C'est la vie... #
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Whoo! Here we go.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32FIDDLES PLAY
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# Say you will, say you won't
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# Say you'll do what I don't
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# Say you're true, say to me
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Want to say c'est la vie
0:27:56 > 0:27:58# Say you will, say you won't
0:27:58 > 0:28:00# Say you'll do what I don't
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# Say you're true, say to me
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# C'est la vie... #
0:28:05 > 0:28:07# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... #
0:28:07 > 0:28:09SHE BLOWS WHISTLE
0:28:09 > 0:28:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE