0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:27 > 0:00:31An ice cream van trundles its tuneful way along a British street.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32ICE CREAM VAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Is this once familiar sight in danger of extinction?
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Has the ice age had its day?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Are ice cream men now dinosaurs
0:00:43 > 0:00:46roaming desolate streets in search of man?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Out the way, move out the way!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51BANG, SMASH
0:00:53 > 0:00:56That weren't my fault, you should have moved!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I bet you think those girls are gorgeous.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Oh, there is only one lady in my life.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- But what if you could go out with any girl in the world?- I love you.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I'm offering you Kelly Brook on a plate here!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- Not interested.- Tess Daly.- No.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I won't get upset, it's only a game.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Claire from work.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15BACKGROUND MUSIC STOPS
0:01:15 > 0:01:17HE MUTTERS CONTENTEDLY
0:01:19 > 0:01:20HE SIGHS
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Oh, aye.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27APPLAUSE
0:01:27 > 0:01:29My Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, what's all that about?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31LAUGHTER
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I cant watch it for people texting me.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35"Get this on, Jesus Christ, oh, my God,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37"are you watching this? Turn it on."
0:01:38 > 0:01:41POSH NARRATOR'S VOICE: "The boys go to the Appleby Fair
0:01:41 > 0:01:42"to try and find love."
0:01:44 > 0:01:47TRAVELLER ACCENT: "Well, we go up to the Appleby Fair, like,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51"and we see a girl and we grab them, we grab them."
0:01:51 > 0:01:53"You grab them? What do you mean, you grab them?"
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- "Well, you know, we- BLEEP- chin them, like, and that's love."
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Oh, yeah, that's romance, that(!)
0:01:58 > 0:02:00"There's one over there..." Face pixelled out.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"I think I'll have that one there."
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"Come on, I'll grab you, come on, come on!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09"Grab them, come on! Come on, you're mine! Grab them!"
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Bang! Like that. "She loves me."
0:02:12 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:17"How did you get on?" "I grabbed three, winded one, punched two."
0:02:21 > 0:02:24"Do you respect women?" "Well, you know.... You know."
0:02:26 > 0:02:28That's Bess with t'dresses.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32"I've been making dresses for the travelling community 20 years
0:02:32 > 0:02:34"and I don't reveal my prices.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"Look at little Roisin, she has drawn her dress
0:02:38 > 0:02:41"for her Holy Communion in pink crayon."
0:02:42 > 0:02:44She looks like a pink meringue!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49"The dress weighs more than Roisin, she's five."
0:02:51 > 0:02:54HE BREATHES RASPINGLY
0:02:54 > 0:02:57"I'm a princess, I'm a princess."
0:02:57 > 0:02:59AS NARRATOR: "They get back to the caravan and take the dress off."
0:02:59 > 0:03:02"Oh, my God. All your skin's come off your back, Roisin.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05"All your skin's come off your back!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"Get the Vaseline, get the Vaseline."
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Robert Edge is Mr Softy Top.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21On the streets of Bolton, where he has been dispensing
0:03:21 > 0:03:25ice cream for most of his life, he is known as Softy.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33The arse has fallen out of this business.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Nobody wants ice creaming any more.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Today it's all bloody Ben & Jerry and Haagen-Dazs.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Who in their right mind would want to queue for a cornet
0:03:42 > 0:03:46in the piss rain when they can get one out the Spar any time they like?
0:03:47 > 0:03:52You're joking, he is power-mad, wants to destroy us.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I used to have a boss, supervisor, just like Lard,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57when I worked at Walkers. Right piece of work.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59We had all booked to go on a Christmas meal,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01me and a few of the lads.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05We got a coach to pick as up from the Albion, three-course meal,
0:04:05 > 0:04:10all-in, coffee, mints, cheeseboard, disco after, dancing.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11PETER BEGINS TO LAUGH
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Anyway... - OTHERS BURST OUT LAUGHING
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Cut. Cut!
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- ON TV:- '..reserve, and dignity, and modesty, as she is...'
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Here he is, right on time.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, I wouldn't have worn that white bowtie.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Does he know it clashes?- And that stick. What's that stick for?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Look at Harry. Stand up straight, boy!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Walk straight.- Walk straight, Harry.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Stooped when he walks, he's got to be moon-shouldered.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47He's shitting or what, that lad.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- Here she is.- Oh, look at Kate. - Oh, that's lovely, that.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57You know what it's like? A fairytale.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59It is. They will love this in America.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05What do you reckon - nine, ten grand, this cost?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07HE LAUGHS
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Oh...- Look at that.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It's nice, that.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- You getting emotional? - I am. I'm getting emotional.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- I never knew you were a royalist. - I'm not, it's just nice!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31TRIUMPHANT FANFARE
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"Please welcome Diversity!"
0:05:37 > 0:05:40THEY LAUGH
0:05:44 > 0:05:48She signs the registrar and then Seal is doing a song.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51You're lying. Seal!
0:05:52 > 0:05:57Kiss from a Rose. Kiss from a Rose, from Batman, he is singing.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00OTHER MAN LAUGHS
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Look at 'em. YAWNING: Love's young dream.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- Oh, what?- His father's Errol Brown, from Hot Chocolate, that fella.
0:06:10 > 0:06:16# Strong deliverer, strong deliverer... #
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I don't mind Camilla. I feel sorry for her.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29# Be thou still, my strength and shield... #
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Coming out now.- Here we go.- Oh.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Leave it there, that's all right. That's fine, mate.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Here, quick, grab Philip.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39APPLAUSE
0:06:42 > 0:06:44CROWD ROARS
0:06:54 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Did you watch the wedding?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Wasn't it absolutely beautiful?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Lovely bridesmaids, lovely dress.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Lovely cake shaped like a horse and carriage.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14LAUGHTER
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I'm not talking about the royal wedding,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I'm talking about My Big Fat Gypsy Royal Wedding,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23that's what I'm talking about!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Hey, I bet Kate Middleton were kicking herself that she
0:07:26 > 0:07:28didn't have her wedding reception in a dog shelter.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I tell you that now. Oh-ho-ho.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Did you see that? Them girls.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36TRAVELLER ACCENT: "I want those, take the cats and dogs off the windows.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39"Take the cats and dogs off the windows, they're tacky.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"It's tacky. I want a 20ft love heart...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"with our initials in the middle."
0:07:45 > 0:07:48No, that's not tacky, is it, love(?)
0:07:48 > 0:07:50And that dress! She couldn't get down
0:07:50 > 0:07:51- the- BLEEP- aisle in it, honest to God!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54" # Make me a channel of your peace...# "
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Boom-boom-boom.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57" # It is in pardoning... # "
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Boom-boom-boom. "Sorry, sorry."
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Dragging all t'benches with her!
0:08:01 > 0:08:02" # All that I am... # "
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Boom-boom-boom.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08"It's disco time and the younger generation
0:08:08 > 0:08:10"of the travelling community hit the dance floor."
0:08:10 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:1713-year-old girl in G-string and bra, like that.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30"There's one there, grab her, grab her!
0:08:30 > 0:08:34"Come on, grab her. There she is, grab her, get her.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"Grab her, come here!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39"Come here!
0:08:39 > 0:08:40"Love you."
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Who said romance were dead?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Times are hard for Softy Top and, these days,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53he will stop at nothing to make ends meet.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I can't believe you're doing this again.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Simmer. Where there's tragedy, there's trade.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I've got some respect, I've not got me chimes on, have I?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Eh? Life, young Darren, is risk.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Come on, we might shift some of these flakes.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Get your hand off there. What do you want?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Can I have two Wispas...? - Can't park here, mate.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- What? Two Wispas, Darren. - You can't park here, mate.- Why?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Why? You're at the scene of an accident.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- That's me house, I live there. - Aye, and I'm Bob Carolgees.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Now, come on, get it shifted.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Thanks very much(!) Right, what do you want?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Can I have a funny face?- Oi!- What?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- What have I told you?- If I don't sell ice creams, I don't pay taxes.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32If I don't pay taxes, you don't get a wage.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34You're out of a job - it's simple.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35This is a police state, this.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I'm glad you're here, you have another Rodney King on your hands.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Zip it, mouth!
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Zip it.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Little bit of mist is going to roll in from the Irish Sea, as
0:09:44 > 0:09:47we head towards the early hours of the morning, and I am smiling
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- because you know what's going to happen. - LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Overnight temperatures...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Roasting, it's absolutely....
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It's muggy, it's very close, very clammy tonight.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Say what you see for tomorrow.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Manchester, 3 in Ramsbottom and 1 in Liverpool.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Well, that's the wind.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Oh, that's the wind.- Sunshine. - Sunshine is 6.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05No, no, that's the wind again.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Oh.- But this is the sunshine. - There you go.- That is the story.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- That's where we live.- Yep.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It's going to be dry and fine all the way through.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Top temperature tomorrow afternoon, wait for it -
0:10:15 > 0:10:16- 27, which is what?- Woo!
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Which is what?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It's three times that, innit? And something else.
0:10:20 > 0:10:2180. Well done.
0:10:21 > 0:10:2480! Oh, there'll be no Arctic roll left in Asda.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25- LAUGHING:- Back to you.- Well done.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Anyway, he said we couldn't go, just like that.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Said we had to clock off at our normal time.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34He knew we'd had it booked for months an' all.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Made us clock off at our normal time.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41ALL LAUGH
0:10:44 > 0:10:45If you don't like those charts,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47this might be the one that you like...
0:10:47 > 0:10:50SHE SNIGGERS
0:10:50 > 0:10:52You can see that the warm air is moving out of the way,
0:10:52 > 0:10:57and the cool air is coming back in, so that makes more sense too.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Hi! It's roasting, Diane!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Well, you just do it then. - It's roasting outside!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- You know...- Everybody is so happy.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08..I am going to come to one of your concerts and...
0:11:08 > 0:11:13Climb on your knees. God love Dianne Oxberry, God love her.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- Mmm. You've made it sunshine for everybody.- I have, for once.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19He wouldn't let us clock off early.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22He knew we'd had it booked, for months,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24and he made us clock off at our normal time.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I used to have a supervisor just like Lard
0:11:31 > 0:11:34when I worked at sup... When I worked at Walkers, supervisor.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Sorry. - LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I used to have a supervisor just like Lar...
0:11:39 > 0:11:42HE LAUGHS
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I'm really sorry, I can't help it, they were laughing.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49This is funny, this.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51In the dressing room.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53An act come in, I was sharing a dressing room with this act.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56And he come in and put his bag in front of t'heater,
0:11:56 > 0:11:57little heater on t'wall.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00And this is where I got the idea for Brian from, this.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01And it blew back, this heater.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05There was a guy singing, welder by day, Neil Diamond by night,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07you know? And he's singing...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10# Don't go changing to try... #
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I'll stand up for this, can I?
0:12:12 > 0:12:13- Do you mind?- No, no.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I'll go here cos you won't see.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17LAUGHTER
0:12:19 > 0:12:22# Don't go changing to try and please me
0:12:22 > 0:12:24# You never... #
0:12:24 > 0:12:25I'm in t'dressing room.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29He puts his bag down and heat blows back - bang - all the lights go.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32You could hear the compere, he runs down - "What have you done?!"
0:12:32 > 0:12:34He said, "You've put your bag in front of the heater.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37"You've blown the lights, you've blown the lights!"
0:12:37 > 0:12:40And he ran on stage, grabbed the microphone off the singer
0:12:40 > 0:12:43and went, "Marion? Marion? Are them cash tills still on, there?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"Are they still on?" She went, "Yeah!" He went, "Right."
0:12:46 > 0:12:47That's all he were bothered about - money.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Threw it back to this guy, he went...
0:12:50 > 0:12:54# I need to know that you will always... #
0:12:54 > 0:12:55- He didn't miss a beat!- Brilliant.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57God love him.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Me father was a great ice cream man.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I'm good, but he were great, you know?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08He knew all about tradition. He'd be out all weathers -
0:13:08 > 0:13:10rain, hail, snow -
0:13:10 > 0:13:14it never bothered him. Everybody loved him. Very sad when he died.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17What do you think made him so special?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Well, for a kickoff, he actually liked kids.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- And you don't?- No. No.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27They make this job a misery, kids, bane of my life.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Know what they used to do to me dad?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33They used to slap the back of his ice cream van, right,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35and then lay down in the road.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36He'd brake, thinking he'd hit them,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39they'd be lying there pretending to be in agony,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42he'd be handing them free Mini Milks through the serving hatch.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44They did that to him for years.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47He fell for it every time.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50That were his problem - lovely man, soft as shite.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53They won't do that to me though.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I hear a bang on the back of the van and I see 'em
0:13:55 > 0:13:58lying in the street, I tell you something, they better get the power
0:13:58 > 0:13:59back in their legs before I reverse
0:13:59 > 0:14:01or it'll be bye-bye Sunday football. Bastards.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03LAUGHTER
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I'll tell you another one.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I used to be an usher, £2.40 an hour and all the sweets I could eat.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I used to tell people endings of films as they were coming in.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I'd say, "There you go."
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I used to rip tickets and thread them through a needle.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Had to go on a course.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19And I'd tell them endings of films, I'd say,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21"There you go, two for six cence.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25"Didn't think Bruce Willis would be a ghost. Enjoy the film."
0:14:27 > 0:14:32But once we had a guy come in, one Saturday afternoon, he had a...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34God love him, he came in and said,
0:14:34 > 0:14:38"I don't feel very well. I think I'm going to have a fit."
0:14:38 > 0:14:40And I went, "Oh, God, oh, God."
0:14:40 > 0:14:43And he came in, we put him in t'corner and he lay down,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46they went and got the manager, and the projectionist Alan -
0:14:46 > 0:14:48he were in the job club.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50He were the only partially-sighted dwarf projectionist
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I ever met in me life - he had a pair of binoculars and a stool.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Oh, he were a diamond.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00They went and got him, they came down and saw to this man,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02put him in the recovery position.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04What are you doing to this poor man?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06No, I'm telling him, now, listen...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08And then, we had 200 kids in Toy Story.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10So I said, "What are we going to do?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14"Cos if they pile out and see him here, there will be pandomonium."
0:15:14 > 0:15:20They had rang for t'ambulance. So the manager said, "Get that!"
0:15:20 > 0:15:24And it were a 6ft cardboard cutout of Flipper.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29And they carried it over and sat it in front of him.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33All the kids come out, you know, and I said,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"Oh, God, you can't do that. That's awful."
0:15:36 > 0:15:40And t'paramedics came and said, "Where is he?" I said, "Over there.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42"Behind Flipper." You could just see his head.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- So... Oh, no.- We shouldn't...
0:15:46 > 0:15:48No, you shouldn't laugh at it.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- We're not laughing at him.- We're not.- We're laughing at Flipper.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Flipper.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Don't look at anybody else.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58JUSTIN SNIGGERS
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Shut up, for fu...
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Action.- Three-course meal, all-in.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Cheese...board, coffee...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13OTHERS LAUGH
0:16:13 > 0:16:18All right, come on. Come on now, this is it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Action.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Well, what are we going to do? - I don't know.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24HIS VOICE WAVERS
0:16:24 > 0:16:26HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I'm all right.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- You know Joyce Chung on checkouts? - Husband's a wrestler.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42- Well, she says he is. Have you seen him?- Yeah.- He's massive.- Huge, sumo.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Is he a sumo wrestler?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Yeah, of course. Have you seen the size of him?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I've never seen in his costume.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I've not seen in his costume but I know he's a sumo wrestler.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Built like a brick shithouse. - Anyway, I've got a bit of a problem.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I really need to book the second week of September off...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Yeah?- ..Joyce Chung's already got it off.
0:17:00 > 0:17:06- Yeah?- It's really, really vital that I have that week off.- Why?
0:17:06 > 0:17:11Well, I've told her I'm having an ingrown toenail taken out,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13but I'm actually going to Corfu.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- You've told who this? - Joyce Chung, she won't swap with me.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Is there anything you can do?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I have nothing to do with holidays and admin and all that.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- What are you asking me for? - Well, you're pally-pally with HR.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27What do you mean, I'm pally-pally? I'm, I don't...
0:17:27 > 0:17:28deal with holidays and all that.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Speak to Cath Hilton, she'll sort you out.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- Well, I've asked Cath Hilton. - And what'd she say?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Well, she quizzed me a bit because I used that excuse last year.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Ho-ho! There you go. This is your lies tripping you up.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- I've told you about this before. - I know.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Well, at first I said thrush and she just gave me some yoghurt.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Why would you do that?!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49She caught me on the hop!
0:17:49 > 0:17:54- What are you hopping around with thrush for?- Oh, please.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Please what?!- I've booked it, I can't get out of it now.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Who's ever had a week off for thrush?- What would you say?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- I wouldn't say thrush. - What would you say?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- I wouldn't lie, for a kickoff. - Well, I had to lie
0:18:05 > 0:18:08cos I'd already booked the holiday before checking the rota.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10What does Joyce want it off for?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12SHE SIGHS
0:18:12 > 0:18:15She's going back to Japan - her mum's just died.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22- Oh, well, something and nothing, innit?- Exactly.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- I'll lose £175 deposit. - She's lost her mam.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Well, she's still going to be dead the third week of September.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32You can't say that, for the love of Jesus!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- She will be, won't she? - You've no comparison there.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36You've got a family funeral...
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Well, if I don't have this holiday this year, I can't go again.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Why not, why can't you go? Sunny weather in November, December.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Because it's the only week I can get to go with our Mandy.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Don't you think I deserve it?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I think I deserve a bloody holiday after driving you in every day.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56If you get me the week off, you can come with me.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- I don't want to go to Corfu.- Why?!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01They don't have toilets, just have holes in t'floor.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- It's not 1956, John.- That's what they have.- Have you been to Greece?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- I know what goes on in Corfu. - That doesn't happen any more.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09They don't have a proper drainage system.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I know, but it doesn't matter...
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Who wants to squat over a hole?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15You don't squat over a hole,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- you just have to put your tissue in the bin.- Eugh.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Which I don't do. I break the rules, put it down the toilet.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I don't care if it blocks.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25What kind of an all-inclusive holiday you've got to
0:19:25 > 0:19:27put your bloody shit rags in a bin?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I love the Greek people.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Yamas.- Same to you.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I don't believe it. I've made a tenner today.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I've paid out more than I've made. It's on its arse, this business.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44I tell you, if it weren't for videos, I wouldn't make any money.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Videos?- Videos. I rent out videos.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50You mean like a mobile video library?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- Yeah, kind of. Only they're not... - Pornos.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56They're not pornos, they're...adult art.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Adult art of a variety. I get them from a bloke
0:19:59 > 0:20:01in the Smoked Cherry. It's all good...
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Good stuff, you know, quality gear, hot stuff.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- That's why he keeps it in the fridge, you know.- Very funny.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- What do you think about it, Darren?- Me?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Whatever floats your boat, innit?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14It took me a while to get me head round it at first,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17when I had customers coming up and asking for, like, big feasts
0:20:17 > 0:20:19and strawberry splits and screwballs.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I didn't know if they wanted porn films
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- or something to suck on.- Or both.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Eh? They're all good though, they're always out.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Beverly Hills Cock.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Eh, Shaving Private Ryan.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Forrest Dump, everyone's a winner, you know?
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Very popular with the gents.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Stops them attacking women and keeps me in wafers.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40CHEERING
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- What would you like to drink? - What's that blue stuff?- It is...
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Al's... Al-eyes... What's that?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- Alize.- Alize?- Yeah.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Can I have a bit of that, please? - Course you can, sir.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Bloody hell, this chair's a bit dicky. Like Barbarella, here.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Hang on.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- There you go.- Oh, thank you.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04So, I believe you've got a new DVD out.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- That's right.- You did your own...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Shite. You did your own...
0:21:09 > 0:21:10LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- You did your own tour yourself, didn't you?- Mmm.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Yeah, that's right. Watch out!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22AUDIENCE SCREAMS
0:21:28 > 0:21:30ALAN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:21:30 > 0:21:32APPLAUSE
0:21:36 > 0:21:38DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:41ALAN SHOUTS IN HIGH PITCH
0:21:41 > 0:21:43It's that chair!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- What did you do?- What can you do?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49We didn't go, we lost...
0:21:49 > 0:21:50LAUGHING: Come on.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52God.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Action.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55PETER GIGGLES
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Look at the floor, don't look at me.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58JUSTIN LAUGHS UNDER HIS BREATH
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- OK, and... - PETER GIGGLES
0:22:02 > 0:22:04All right, OK.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06And action.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Well, one of those...
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Softy decides that now is the time to unleash his secret weapon.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Double cones. Eh?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27"Look, kids, double cones. Twice the ice for half the price."
0:22:27 > 0:22:29MUSIC: I'm Your Man by Wham!
0:22:35 > 0:22:40The popularity of Softy's double scoop cone has created a problem.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Ice cream.- Fridge, where do you think?
0:22:43 > 0:22:44We've hardly any left.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- Plenty left, there.- He's running out of ice cream twice as fast.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- Got raspberry.- Boxes full of videos.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Serve these, will you? Serve these.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Hurry up.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03No ice cream. We've only got one tub left. Jesus wept.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Well, I just told you that.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07You'll have to go to the shop.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Quiet, act your age.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- Go to t'shop. - What do you want?- Take a 20.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- Six vanilla and get some flakes and all, please.- How many?- 15.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18No, 20, get 20.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Get a receipt and all. Hurry up, hurry up!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24437, take 12.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32And action.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37- What did you do?- What can you do? Couldn't go, didn't go.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38We lost our deposit.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Mr Softy Top has been reduced to rationing the ice cream
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- and there's still no sign of Darren. - Put some ice cream in!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Hey, don't start getting like that with me, love, you've got the same
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- as everybody else!- Well, I'd like some ice cream with me cornet.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58There's enough there, why'd you want more?
0:23:58 > 0:23:59No-one else has complained.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Hey, you're dripping raspberry all over me counter.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- State of this.- Don't touch that. - He's only looking.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07You look with your eyes, not your hands. That's why it's on a chain.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09There's more raspberry than ice cream! I want me money back!
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- Where've you been?- Coming. - Yeah, right. Hang on a minute, love.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- What's this - milk?! - I came as quick as I could.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Looks like it and all. Look at these, eh?
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- Mind your language, please.- They didn't have any flakes.- I wanted...
0:24:24 > 0:24:28I want flakes. I can't make 99s with fucking Crunchies, can I?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- I told you to watch your language. - Here, have some ice cream!
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Have some, eh? You stupid bitch! Oh...fuck off!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Eh? All of you, get out of here!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Fucking don't need this, do I?!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42ANGRY SHOUTS
0:24:45 > 0:24:48The day has been a disaster for Mr Softy Top.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52CHEERING
0:25:01 > 0:25:02- # When I wake up - When I wake up
0:25:02 > 0:25:04# Well, I know I'm gonna be
0:25:04 > 0:25:07# I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you... #
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Yeah, I know.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- # When I go out - When I go out
0:25:10 > 0:25:11# Well, I know I'm gonna be
0:25:11 > 0:25:14# I'm going to be the man who goes along with you... #
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Who?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- # If I get drunk - If I get drunk
0:25:17 > 0:25:19# Well, I know I'm going to be
0:25:19 > 0:25:21# I'm going to be the man who gets drunk next to you... #
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Yes, sir!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- # And when I haver - When I... #
0:25:24 > 0:25:25What's haver mean?
0:25:25 > 0:25:26# Well, I know I'm going to be
0:25:26 > 0:25:28# I'm going to be the man who's havering to you... #
0:25:28 > 0:25:30It's on here.
0:25:30 > 0:25:37- BOTH:- # And I would roll 500 miles and I would roll 500 more
0:25:37 > 0:25:41# Just to be the man who rolled 1,000 miles
0:25:41 > 0:25:43# To fall down at your door
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- # When I'm working - When I'm working
0:25:46 > 0:25:48# Well, I know I'm gonna be
0:25:48 > 0:25:50# I'm going to be the man who's working hard for you... #
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Chaka Khan!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- # And when the money - When the money
0:25:53 > 0:25:58# Comes in for the work I do, I'll pass almost every penny on to you
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- # When I come home - When I come home
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# Well, I know I'm going to be
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# I'm going to be the man who's coming home to you
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- # And when I grow old - When I grow old
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# Well, I know I'm going to be
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you
0:26:13 > 0:26:20# And I would roll 500 miles and I would roll 500 more
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- # Just to be the...- ..man... - ..who...- ..rolls...
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- # A...- ..thou...- ..sand...
0:26:25 > 0:26:28# ..miles to fall down at your door
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- # Da-da-da-da! - Haba-dab-da
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- # Da-da-da-da! - Haba-dab-da
0:26:32 > 0:26:35# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- # Da-da-da-da! - Haba-dab-da
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- # Da-da-da-da! - Haba-daba-dab-da
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da... #
0:26:42 > 0:26:45AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Ladies and gentlemen - The Proclaimers!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- AUDIENCE:- Woo!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59# When I'm lonely
0:26:59 > 0:27:00# Well, I know I'm gonna be
0:27:00 > 0:27:04# I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
0:27:04 > 0:27:06# And when I'm dreaming
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# Well, I know I'm gonna dream
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with you
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- # When I go out - When I go out!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# Well, I know I'm gonna be
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- # And when I come home - When I come home!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# Yes, I know I'm gonna be
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# I'm gonna be the man who comes back home with you
0:27:25 > 0:27:29# I'm gonna be the man who's coming home...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# With you
0:27:33 > 0:27:40# But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
0:27:40 > 0:27:46# Just to be the man who walks 1,000 miles to fall down at your door
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- # Da-da-da-da! - Da-da-da-da!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- # Da-da-da-da! - Da-da-da-da!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- # Da-da-da-da! - Da-da-da-da!
0:27:57 > 0:27:58- # Da-da-da-da! - Da-da-da-da!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da
0:28:01 > 0:28:03- # Da-da-da-da! - Da-da-da-da!
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- # Da-da-da-da! - Da-da-da-da!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da
0:28:08 > 0:28:10- # Da-da-da-da! - Da-da-da-da!
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- # Da-da-da-da! - Da-da-da-da!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da
0:28:16 > 0:28:18- # Da-da-da-da! - Da-da-da-da!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- # Da-da-da-da! - Da-da-da-da!
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da
0:28:23 > 0:28:24# Da-da-da-da!
0:28:24 > 0:28:25# Bobby Davro!
0:28:25 > 0:28:26# Da-da-da-da!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28# Bobby Davro!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da
0:28:31 > 0:28:37# And I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
0:28:37 > 0:28:45# Just to be the man who walks 1,000 miles to fall down at your door. #
0:28:46 > 0:28:48AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:28:51 > 0:28:53- Eh?- I don't like it.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Oh, I love the Welsh.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57CHEERING