0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:10 > 0:00:15This programme contains adult humour
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Lonely This Christmas.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30It's singles' night tonight here at the Phoenix Club,
0:00:30 > 0:00:32where you could meet the love of your life.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Ho-ho! We're living la vida tonight!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37There are people here to suit all tastes,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and, speaking of taste, the flavoured-condom machine
0:00:40 > 0:00:42is restocked and ready for action.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43OK, we're going to move straight along now
0:00:43 > 0:00:45with the fantastic Mr Eric Carmen,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48because he's all by himself.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49# I never needed anyone... #
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I bet you've cried yourself to sleep many a night with this one.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Shabba!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Where are all the women?
0:00:56 > 0:00:57# Making love was just for fun... #
0:01:00 > 0:01:02So I woke up, rolled over.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Guess who's lying next to me.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Bonnie Langford.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Look at that lot.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09They're like pigs on heat.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Nearly broke her back.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Can you hear me now?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21You can peak too soon, son,
0:01:21 > 0:01:22like your dad.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Anyway...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Going to start now.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I rang a takeaway last night. I said, "Do you deliver?"
0:01:31 > 0:01:33They said, "No, we do lamb, chicken and fish."
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Bang. Phone down.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Now we've started. Now we've started.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I were on Preston train station.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41This announcement come on,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43"Ladies and gentlemen on platform four,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46"the next train is an express to Carlisle.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49"We advise passengers to move away from the yellow line
0:01:49 > 0:01:51"at the edge of the platform
0:01:51 > 0:01:53"as they may get sucked off."
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I'm like that, "Bring the train on! I'm ready! I'm ready!
0:02:01 > 0:02:02"Bring the train on!"
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Bit of blue. Bit of blue for the dads. Bit of blue.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07"He's blue, Alan. He's blue. He's going to be good. He's blue."
0:02:09 > 0:02:13# All by myself... #
0:02:13 > 0:02:16You know, song lyrics make good chat-up lines, don't they?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18You know, like "Heaven must be missing an angel"
0:02:18 > 0:02:21or "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You know, stuff like that.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28I don't know who you are but you're a real dead ringer for love.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Who sang that?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31- Meat Loaf.- Meat Loaf.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Everywhere you go,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37you always take the weather with you.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41No.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Bloke went to the doctor's. He walks in.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47He says, "Eh, my friend, have a look at this." Sorry. These.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48He had five of them.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51He said, "My God, man! How do your pants fit you?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:55- AUDIENCE:- Like a glove! - Like a glove, yes!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Jokes you can join in on, that's the future of comedy!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Kara-jokey. Kara-jokey.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05They'll all be doing it in 12 months, you watch.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07What's black and white and eats like a horse?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- Zebra!- Zebra, thank you very much!
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Any advance on zebra?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- Jam in!- With jam in! Jamming!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Knock-knock.- Who's there?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- Biggish.- Biggish who?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Not today, thanks.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27You see? That's a joke, that.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30That's the first thing you'll tell when you get home.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I were on the cover of the Big Issue so I had to buy one.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36He said, "I love you in Phoenix Nights."
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I said, "Where have you seen it?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Eh?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44I thought, "I'll have my pound back, you devious bastard."
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Dixons window?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48You better watch him.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I said, "Knock-knock." He said, "Who's there?"
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- I said, "I thought you were - BLEEP- homeless." Eh?
0:03:52 > 0:03:53You've got to watch him.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58OK, we're going to slow things right down now
0:03:58 > 0:04:01as we enter the erection section.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03That's right, if you've met somebody tonight,
0:04:03 > 0:04:04get them on the dance floor.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07If you haven't, what you still here for, you losers?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11# The band had only one more song to play
0:04:12 > 0:04:18# And then I saw you out the corner of my eye
0:04:19 > 0:04:24# A little girl alone and so shy
0:04:24 > 0:04:30# I had the last waltz with you
0:04:32 > 0:04:37# Two lonely people together... #
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I'm horny.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Horny, horny, horny.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Piss off.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Right.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Go on! That's it, Patrick!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04# Through the good and bad we'd get along... #
0:05:09 > 0:05:10All right?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13All right, Kenny, lad. How's it hanging?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It's nearly hanging off.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Just had three of them round the back.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24# I had the last waltz with you... #
0:05:29 > 0:05:31What's your theme, then? What theme are you...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Well, I've been thinking of a lot of themes.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37The Love Boat. Neighbours.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40But I think the one that I always like the most
0:05:40 > 0:05:42and I think everybody knows it
0:05:42 > 0:05:44is Blankety Blank.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- Know that... Do you know Blankety Blank?- Mm-hm. Well, we can try it.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Just try it and see. Everyone knows it.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51HE PLAYS BLANKETY BLANK THEME
0:05:51 > 0:05:52That's it. That's it.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54# Come on and Blankety Blank
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- # Blankety Blank - Bom-bom
0:05:57 > 0:05:58# Blankety Blank Blankety Blank
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- # Bom-bom - Blankety Blank... #
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Nah.- No?- It's... Well, no.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- Do you not feel it? - I'm not feeling it, no.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I'm not feeling it. I have to be truthful with you.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10If you were to choose a more soulful thing
0:06:10 > 0:06:13and it's something you could shine on... Something like...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Z-Cars?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17No. No.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Home And Away.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23# You know we belong together... #
0:06:23 > 0:06:24I love this.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29# You and I for ever and ever
0:06:29 > 0:06:34# No matter where you are
0:06:34 > 0:06:37# You're my guiding star... #
0:06:37 > 0:06:40It's very good. It's very good, what you're doing.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45I'd like to see a little bit more belief, hope.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46You're really singing.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48You're saying, "You're my guiding star,"
0:06:48 > 0:06:50to the people out there.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Is it dead behind the eyes? - It's not dead
0:06:53 > 0:06:55but it's not live.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57She's got to believe in herself.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01That's all I'm seeing at the moment, is a slight lack of belief.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05For you to win, you've got to believe you can win.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06I do believe me.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Well, it's not showing.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I need to see that you are believing the words.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Can you not feel it in my eyes? - It's in the eyes.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Not the mouth.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Is it not?- It's in the eyes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Let me see the eyes sparkle.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24No.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Yes.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I think, with what we've done today,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I think she's got it now.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34# No matter where you are
0:07:34 > 0:07:36# Oh, where you are
0:07:36 > 0:07:38# You're my guiding star... #
0:07:38 > 0:07:40That's it, that's it.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43# And from the very first moment I saw you
0:07:43 > 0:07:45# I saw you
0:07:45 > 0:07:48# I never felt such emotion... #
0:07:48 > 0:07:49- Yes.- Yeah!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52# I'm walking on air
0:07:52 > 0:07:54# She's walking on air
0:07:54 > 0:07:58# To know you are there... #
0:07:58 > 0:08:00She's a lovely girl. She's got what it takes.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03She's got the looks, she's got the voice,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05and, with the belief,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07she'll go all the way.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10# Closer each day
0:08:10 > 0:08:14# Home and away. #
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- I felt it then. I felt it then. - That was it.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I could feel it running right through me.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20You know what I felt then?
0:08:20 > 0:08:21I felt as if I was home
0:08:21 > 0:08:23and I was away.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- At the same time. - And I came back home at the end.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- You did.- Did you feel that?- You did.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30That's it.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That's going to win you the competition.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33- Do you think?- Yeah.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I think she's got the Pop Factor.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Fruit machine, pinned me up against t'serving hatch.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I were in a coma till New Year.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48When I woke up, I'd lost my club, I'd lost my legs.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I'd lost my will to live.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Can't go back.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Can't go back.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Ooh.- Yeah.- Ooh.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- I think they want us to leave. - Think they do.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Means we've got to lock up.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I've really enjoyed tonight.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Yeah. Yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You don't get chance to go out much.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Makes a nice change. You know, running this place.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15We could go out sometime if you wanted.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Who? Us?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Yeah.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Oh.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21- I mean...- Oh, yeah.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I'd like that.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Well, we can do that if you want.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26I'd like that very much.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- Great. Lovely.- Yeah.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32MUSIC: Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Flower for the lady?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Fuck off.
0:10:32 > 0:10:38# Did you ever know that you're my hero
0:10:41 > 0:10:48# And everything I would like to be?
0:10:50 > 0:10:57# I can fly higher than an eagle
0:10:59 > 0:11:05# Cos you are the wind beneath my wheels. #
0:11:08 > 0:11:10If you didn't go abroad for your holidays,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13then you had your holiday in England.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Glorious, big, six-week holidays at home.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Playing out till 11 o'clock at night. Light nights.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Have a water fight. Get an empty bottle of Fairy Liquid.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Go in t'front street. Having a water fight!
0:11:24 > 0:11:29"Mum, wash some pots. Wash some pots. Hurry up, wash the plate!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32"I'm having a water fight! Give it here. Right.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"It's full of suds, that one, isn't it, Mum?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"Squirting suds at other kids."
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Playing out in your slippers.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41How fast could you run in your slippers when you were a kid?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43How fast could you run in your slippers!
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Slippers are fast, slippers.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Three-quid slippers off t'market, they're fast.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Oh, they should give slippers out to athletes. I think that.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Nike slippers. They should give them out to...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57We'd piss it at t'Olympics with Nike slippers.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Because they're fast.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01When I used to run to the chippy on a Friday night in my slippers,
0:12:01 > 0:12:02fast...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Slippers.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Playing out, go outside, come in really thirsty.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"Oh, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty! I want a drink.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"Oh, I'm really thirsty! I want a drink! I want a drink!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"Give me a drink!" "Have a cup of tea." "What?"
0:12:19 > 0:12:21"Have a cup of tea."
0:12:21 > 0:12:22"What do I want a cup of tea for?"
0:12:22 > 0:12:25IRISH ACCENT: "That's the best thing you can have if you're..."
0:12:25 > 0:12:27"You're not even Irish, Mum, what's the matter with you?"
0:12:27 > 0:12:28"Have a good cup of tea,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"that's the best thing you can have if you're thirsty.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32"It cools you down."
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Bollocks.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Can you just see them at Wimbledon, eh?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41"Game, set and match. Can you get the kettle on for these lads here?
0:12:41 > 0:12:42"They're gasping."
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- RADIO:- Our world-class creative stylists
0:12:46 > 0:12:48know all the latest haircuts,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51including the weave, the buzzcut, the angel
0:12:51 > 0:12:53and even the waterfall braid.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56The what? Waterfall brake?
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Braid.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59What's a waterfall braid?
0:12:59 > 0:13:00It's like that.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Where'd you get your hair done?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Friend does it.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Friend does mine.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Who does yours?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11My mate Iqbal.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Does it for free.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14SHE SNORTS
0:13:14 > 0:13:15- What?- Nothing.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Is he a hairdresser or is he just...?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21No, he's a hairdresser. He cuts hair. He's mobile.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23But I don't think I'll go to him any more
0:13:23 > 0:13:25because I went round to him the other week
0:13:25 > 0:13:27and he did it in t'back kitchen and his daughter comes in
0:13:27 > 0:13:29and stands there looking at me while I've no top on.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- She's only about seven. - Why haven't you got a top on?
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Because he cuts my hair.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Don't have to take your top off to have your hair cut.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- Don't want hair on my shirt. - If you went to a hairdresser's,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- you wouldn't take your top off. - I'm not at a hairdresser's,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- I'm at Iqbal's house. - Yes, I know, but don't take your...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44That's even worse, in front of his daughter.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- His daughter shouldn't be there. She should be playing.- It's her house!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49MUSIC: Keep On Movin' by Five
0:13:49 > 0:13:50- Oh!- Oh!
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- This is a belter. - This is perking me up.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58It's like a little Berocca in the radio.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04# I woke up today with this feeling
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- # Trying... - Better things are coming my way
0:14:08 > 0:14:11# And if the da-da-da meaning
0:14:11 > 0:14:14# Things da-ba-ba ba-da-ba-dee
0:14:15 > 0:14:17# When the rainy days are dying
0:14:17 > 0:14:19# Ba-da-ba-da crying
0:14:19 > 0:14:21# All the bees and birds are dying... #
0:14:21 > 0:14:23The bees and birds are dying?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I don't think they're singing that.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28# Keep moving, don't stop rocking Ah
0:14:28 > 0:14:30# Get on up
0:14:30 > 0:14:32# When you're down... #
0:14:32 > 0:14:33They do that thing.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35All right, all right. Give over! I'm driving.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Can't do it sitting down.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39# But it's OK
0:14:39 > 0:14:42# I keep on moving on anyway... #
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Then you go back to school in September and you can't write.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01"I can't write. What's the matter with me?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02"I can't write.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05"I can't write."
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Six weeks of "Why Don't You?" and your arm's frigged.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"Cannot write! What's the matter with me?"
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Teachers, "Come on now."
0:15:15 > 0:15:16In assembly, "Come on now.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19"Quiet, everybody. Come on. Fingers on lips."
0:15:20 > 0:15:22You do that. You can still talk.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23"Na-na-na."
0:15:23 > 0:15:25"Fingers on lips, come on!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27"You're not on your holidays any more."
0:15:27 > 0:15:31There's that one lad with a lilo and trunks and a snorkel.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34"No-one told me! Bloody hell, I've got all my gear out here.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36"Put that cream on, will you?"
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- Jerry?- Yeah?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Who's done this?
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Don't know.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Who's knocked all this off here?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Vandals.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Needs screwing in, that.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Christ! My eyes! They're burning!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Are you regular, Brian?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Set your watch by my arse.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55JERRY GRUNTS
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Big night tonight.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Yeah, yeah. Bucket bingo, should be good.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02No, I'm talking about me and Beverley.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Oh.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I'm taking her back to Chez Potter. We're going to have a meal.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Meal?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I didn't know you could cook.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Oh, aye.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11A lot you didn't know about me.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Have a meal for two and then the world's your lobster.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Thinking of giving her a pearl necklace.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18TOILET FLUSHES
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Does she know?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I'm going to surprise her.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Think you might just do that.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Jerry.- Yeah.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31What do you do, Jerry?
0:16:31 > 0:16:32I'm a compere.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33No, what do you do?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35What d'you mean?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36You know, women.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Tactics.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Manoeuvres.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Well, you and Jean must at some point...
0:16:41 > 0:16:42I mean, for goodness' sake...
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- Me and Jean?- Yeah.- Never.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46What? Never?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Well, once or twice but I'm not a machine.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51And that were years ago. Beverley's different, Jerry.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53She's a modern woman. I can tell.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Well, I'll tell you this, don't rush.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I had a girl once I rushed. Big mistake.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58DRYER BLOWS
0:17:12 > 0:17:13..covered in piss.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27What's this you've come on with? Presents and stuff? I like this.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- There you go. Little gift for you, Jonathan.- Can I open it now?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Yeah, if you want to kill some time.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I don't need to fill time, we've got great guests waiting to come on.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39You'll like that. Love that. Done that myself.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40What is it?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Show it to the camera. There you go.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Cross stitch.- Cross stitch of what? Of you?
0:17:48 > 0:17:49My face.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Put that on your desk. Don't be ungrateful. Christ almighty!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- What are you doing now? - I'm messing your continuity up.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00That's what I'm doing.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07We can't edit this out. Are you going to...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Because, every time I come on one of your shows,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11it's always edited about you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Don't!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Where are you going? - I'm just having a look round.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You've seen London before!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Come and sit down. - No, I'm going to have a look round.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Go on.- Where are you going?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I'm seeing what's behind here.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Where's he gone now?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46You've ruined the whole illusion.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Go on, talk to me here. Talk to me here.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53It's freezing! It's freezing!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Go on.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56This is nice.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Go on.- You know what's nice is that we're paying for it,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03we might as well use it all. You might as well.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07You're more than welcome to come to my house.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08It's windy.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Oh, God!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Oh, no! No!
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Don't encourage him!
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I'll get it back! I'll get it back!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I got it back! I got it!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I've got it! I've got it! I've got it!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33It's all right! It's OK, everybody in that building!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Don't worry!
0:19:36 > 0:19:37He's got you.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38You know what this is?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41This is... If Ken Loach directed King Kong, this is what you get.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Ken Loach's Die Hard. That's what this is.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Peter, we're going to take a break. Can you hang on?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I'll be here. See you in a minute.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Don't go away, we'll be back with more Peter Kay after this.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56MUSIC: Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye
0:19:58 > 0:20:00# Baby... #
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Oh, yes. 26p, a bit of Marvin.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04He knew the score.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05# For so long... #
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Do you ever get lonely?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09No.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Not with Marvin, anyway.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13# I got you, baby
0:20:13 > 0:20:14# Come on
0:20:14 > 0:20:16# Oh, come on
0:20:16 > 0:20:18# Ooh... #
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Have you been to America?- No.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Me and Jerry went,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26when the Neptune burnt down a couple of years ago.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Oh, yeah. Had a marvellous two weeks.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Jerry got the shits.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Lovely time.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I've got a video of it somewhere. It's on the floor down there.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Just whack it in. I've set it. - Oh, right.- On top of there. Yeah.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Jerry did it with his camcorder. There.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42On top of Flashdance.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43It's set.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46# Sensitive people
0:20:46 > 0:20:49# With so much to give
0:20:49 > 0:20:53# I love you, sugar... #
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Sorry.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57This is it. Here, look. There you go.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Last night, this. They had a big firework display.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04So, have you always lived on your own?
0:21:04 > 0:21:08# There's nothing wrong... #
0:21:08 > 0:21:10No, I were with Jean for many years.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Worse luck.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Here we are, look at this. Look at these rockets.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Stand well back.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Blow your head off, them.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Marvellous what they can do, look.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26FIREWORKS EXPLODE
0:21:28 > 0:21:35# Don't you know how sweet and wonderful life can be?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43# I'm asking you, baby
0:21:43 > 0:21:45# To get it on with me
0:21:51 > 0:21:54# I ain't gonna worry
0:21:54 > 0:21:56# I ain't gonna push... #
0:21:59 > 0:22:01WOMAN MOANS
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Oh.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Splash your cream right in her headlights.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Where's the remote? Where's the remote?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Knock it off. It's Jerry's tape, this.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11It's Jerry's. Knock it off.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Sunday afternoons, then I'd get ready for school on Monday morning,
0:22:15 > 0:22:20have a bath, get me hair dried watching Hart To Hart and Magnum.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22My sister would be upstairs in t'back bedroom
0:22:22 > 0:22:23taping t'top 40 off t'radio.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Do you ever do that on Sundays? Tape t'charts?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30And try and stop it before he speaks?
0:22:32 > 0:22:33That's a skill, that.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35That's a skill.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38"Ultravox, Vienna's a non-mover."
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"Oh, shit!"
0:22:41 > 0:22:43"Five Star, Rain Or Shine has gone two places..."
0:22:43 > 0:22:45"Oh, shit. Come on."
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Do our own dance routines in the bedroom.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49In front of t'mirror.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# Tay-tay-tay-tay
0:22:53 > 0:22:54# T-tay t-tay tay-tay-tay
0:22:54 > 0:22:56# Take or leave us
0:22:56 > 0:22:57# Only please b... #
0:23:00 > 0:23:03"What's she doing up there? What's she doing?
0:23:03 > 0:23:07"Dancing? I'll come up there and give you something to dance about,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09"Lady Jane.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11"I'm trying to watch Highway down here."
0:23:12 > 0:23:14HE MAKES A BEAT
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Go to t'school disco on a Thursday night.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Have a bottle of 20/20 behind a skip.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25White Lightning.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"I'm pissed and I don't give a shit! Come on!"
0:23:31 > 0:23:33# Never gonna give you up
0:23:33 > 0:23:35# Never gonna let you down
0:23:35 > 0:23:37# Never gonna run around
0:23:37 > 0:23:39# Desert you... #
0:23:40 > 0:23:44# Too many broken hearts in the world
0:23:44 > 0:23:47# Too many dreams can... #
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"You're doing it wrong, watch me.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54"Well, take the callipers off.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58"What's the matter with you? Enjoy yourself!"
0:23:58 > 0:24:01# I won't give up the fight for you... #
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Listen, Beverley, erm...
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- I'm not very good with words. I was wondering if...- Sh!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32It won't be long now.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Just you wait.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Things I'm going to do to you.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Here we go!
0:24:51 > 0:24:56Welcome to Manchester Arena, ladies and gentlemen!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Won't be long now.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Just you wait. Things I'm going to do to you.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05MUSIC: Uptown Funk by Les Alanos
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Stuck! I'm not moving, am I?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Argh! Get me down!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Can you hear me now?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19We didn't have to have it here.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I said we could have this fundraiser at the Phoenix Club.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Have it here, they said.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25They wanted me to have big names.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I thought, "We don't need big names, we can do it ourselves."
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I've got regulars at the club that could pull this off.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33They're all entertainers in their own minds.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Do we look like a pair of dickheads?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48You're laughing in the wrong bit.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Y'all right?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55# Don't forget your black bin bags
0:25:56 > 0:25:59# They're on offer till December
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# They're your heavy-duty black bin bags
0:26:05 > 0:26:08# They're long and black and slender... #
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Dreadful! Where's Ray? Ray!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Ray Von! Where are you?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14# Pump up the volume Pump up the volume
0:26:14 > 0:26:16# Pump up the volume Dance, dance... #
0:26:16 > 0:26:20This next act has flown in all the way from Las Vegas.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- Has he?- Were power-washing my drive yesterday.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Kenny Sr!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29# Oh, baby, baby
0:26:29 > 0:26:33# How was I supposed to know
0:26:35 > 0:26:38# That something wasn't right?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# When I'm not with you I lose my mind
0:26:41 > 0:26:44# Give me a sign... #
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Give him a sign? I'll flip him the bird.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48# Hit me, baby, one more time. #
0:26:49 > 0:26:54# The circle of life
0:26:54 > 0:26:56# It's the wheel of fortune... #
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Just so you know, the money raised is going to a very worthy cause.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Finally going to put Africa on the map.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06We're going to open a club out there, Phoenix Club Africa branch.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07We're going to go out there
0:27:07 > 0:27:10and we're going to give them something they've never had.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Five-star adult cabaret.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Are you still alive?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Let's see you all clapping. Come on, it's Comic Relief!
0:28:08 > 0:28:13# The circle of life
0:28:13 > 0:28:16# It's the wheel of fortune... #
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Thank you very much, everybody!
0:28:18 > 0:28:23I would like to thank all the main cast of the show for doing this,
0:28:23 > 0:28:26giving so much of their time for free.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30It was something that I had a bit of an idea about
0:28:30 > 0:28:32and they've all been fantastic and they all did it
0:28:32 > 0:28:34and I really appreciate it.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Thank you very much. Thanks for supporting us.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39And, for Comic Relief, you've raised a total of...
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Yes! Goodnight! Thank you!
0:28:48 > 0:28:51# The circle of life. #