0:00:02 > 0:00:05# La-la-la-la, da-da-da-da-da
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# La-la-la-la, da-da-da-da-da
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# La-la la, da-da-da-da-da-da-lah
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# La-a da
0:00:13 > 0:00:14# La-da-la-da-la-la-la
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Da-da-da da-da-la-da-da-da. #
0:00:18 > 0:00:25This programme contains some strong language
0:00:25 > 0:00:30OK, that was Living In A Box for Brian, whose wife kicked him
0:00:30 > 0:00:32out last night.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Moving on, oww!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Special request now from the father of the bride, Alan.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39He says "Please play something special for my lovely
0:00:39 > 0:00:40"daughter on this, her wedding day."
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Aww.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45So it is Kid Creole with Annie, I'm Not Your Daddy.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Check it out!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Oo! Oo!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I thought everybody knew.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I went to a wedding about two weeks ago. First one's up at any wedding,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00little girls about ten - 11-year-olds dancing. Like...
0:01:00 > 0:01:02# Don't care about the rocks that I got,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04# I'm still I'm still Jenny from the block.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06# Used to have a little now I have a lot... #
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:09You always get that.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13You always get little girls dancing.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15You always get little lads doing this.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Sliding on the knees!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Look at your trousers, get up! Look at his trousers!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39They're filthy, get up!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Look at your pants, they're filthy, come on, sit down, cool down.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Look you're roasting, you're wet through, sit down, have some lemonade.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Look you're like a bull mastiff.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51HE PANTS
0:01:52 > 0:01:53I want to go and play!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57You're 22! Just calm down, will you?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59You're the best man.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:02:09 > 0:02:10# See if I was in your blood
0:02:10 > 0:02:13# Then you wouldn't be so ugly... #
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Ooh! After this I've got a special song, Bat Out Of Hell,
0:02:17 > 0:02:18for the bride's mother.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20There she is coming out the toilets.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24I'd give it five minutes if I were you. Shabba!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:29You always get aunties and grandmas doing the bent over dance.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:40There's no kid, there's nobody there.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Grandmas always go early at weddings.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Sandra, your grandma's going now!
0:02:55 > 0:02:56It's ten to eight!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00She's going.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Grandma's like Yoda from Star Wars.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08She's about three foot tall with her anorak on.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Going now am I.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Going now. Going, going.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17That disco's too loud for me.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21That's not music, it's just bloody noise.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I'm going to get home and get settled.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Get the curtains drawn.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Give us a kiss.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Here you go, Grandma. You get home, you get home and get a shave.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Oh, I'll tell you who I saw today. Coming out the Post Office.
0:03:42 > 0:03:48Bumped right into him, I ain't seen him in years. What a smashing fella.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- Who's that?- Who's what?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53In the Post Office?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54I was in there this morning.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Yes, you said, who'd you see in there?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59'Ere I'll tell you who I saw in there.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Young Tommy Upson.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Who's Tommy Upson?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Who? - Tommy Upson.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I saw him in the Post Office this morning.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Yes, used to live down Ormond Yard when we were kids.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Oh, we have had a laugh.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16TOILET FLUSHES
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Who's that?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I just told you who it is, Tommy fucking Upson!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23What's the matter with you?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26God forgive me for swearing, you'll make my nerves bad, you will.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Oi oi.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Here he is.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31That better, sweetheart?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Oh, I'm about a stone lighter now.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Flushed itself.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38I tell you something,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41it's good to see you got plenty of loo rolls in there.
0:04:41 > 0:04:4336 I counted.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Yeah, well they don't eat nothing, do they?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I can't stand it.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50You go to someone's house for a pony and you've got to ration your wipes.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54You never have to hold back up here, Tom, and I mean that sincerely.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Brilliant.- There you are, go on, sweetheart, sit back down.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- That's it. - There's a drink there.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02There you are, Tom. There's my Diane's boy, Jamie.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- Hello, son.- Nice to meet you.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06He's home early, ain't he got a job?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09No, he tried everything, he ain't interested.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10I'm at university.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Oh, that's right.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Your nan said something about you being gay.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19My brother, he had a gay dog.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Who, your Billy?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Yes, that's right. Cost him a fortune in vet's bills.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- A gay dog?- No, not gay.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Um, diabetic.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Some kind of disability.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Being gay isn't a disability.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Well, it ain't exactly helped you in getting a job, has it?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Do you want an Opal Fruit? - Yes, please.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Thank you.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52You got any other colours?
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Red.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57You want red?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Thank you.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I shouldn't really.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06But hey, why not?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10RADIO CHATTERS
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Can't get into this bastard.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17MUSIC: A Town Called Malice by The Jam
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Put that in that door, will you?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41My friend's flatmate's sister's flatmate's friend made
0:06:41 > 0:06:43cheese on toast with Paul Weller.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47And that's a claim to fame?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Well, what's yours?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Uh, I once tried to get Rod Hull's autograph.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55But he couldn't do it.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I'm sure Rod Hull would just give anyone his autograph.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Well, that's what you think, but he couldn't sign autographs,
0:07:04 > 0:07:05according to his manager,
0:07:05 > 0:07:09because his writing hand's up the bird.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- I know but he can still... - That's a false arm, intit?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- That's his dummy arm, and his writing hand's up Emu.- Oh.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19So he couldn't sign anything.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Unless he stuck a pen in Emu's mouth,
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- and that'd kill the magic, wouldn't it?- Ahhh.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Did you hear about Rod Hull's funeral?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Is this a joke?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32No, no.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Funeral were crap but reception were good.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Good.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Do you get it?
0:07:43 > 0:07:44I thought you said it wasn't a joke.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Well, if I say it's a joke then you're expecting it.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49It is a joke but I lied.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Not get it?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55The funeral was shit but the reception was good.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56I don't get it.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- He fell off his roof fixing his TV aerial.- Ohhhhh!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Oh, is that cos he had a false arm? - What?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Bit of juggling.- Yep.- Bit of juggling.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Oh, no.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21What's she doing now whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- She's not wearing any... - I know, I can see, Lesley.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24What's she doing?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26POP
0:08:26 > 0:08:27- Oh!- Oh, my word.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Next!
0:08:29 > 0:08:30No, next!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32NEXT!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Ah, uggh, next!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39There's loads of bitchiness at weddings.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Oh! Look at that dress.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43When was she measured for that?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46The bride! Have you seen her?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Oh, you look really nice, Sandra, look at you!
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Aren't you a bloody princess.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Have a good day, mwah, you deserve it, you're a star.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58She's packed into that, isn't she?
0:08:59 > 0:09:04Look at her arms, looks like Russell Grant, what's the matter with her?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Action! - What's she doing, oh, whoa.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08She's not wearing any...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11What you laughing at?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- Come on. - Reset, please.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Get off! Get up! Next!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Next! Where they coming from?!
0:09:18 > 0:09:20She only had four!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Next!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24ALL LAUGH
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Get off, whoa! Don't catch 'em!
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Next!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29HE GIGGLES
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Ne-ext.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Next.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Should've pulled out a bat.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34ALL LAUGH
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Next!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Oh, ugh, next!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42HE LAUGHS
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I love DJs at weddings that talk all night
0:09:46 > 0:09:48and you can't understand a word they're saying.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52HE MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"The buffet's ready, the buffet is ready."
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I heard that, mum, buffet's ready!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Buffet! Charge! Buffet!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Don't go first, we don't know them.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Give it ten minutes, we're not pigs.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Dad - "Go and get me some buffet, go and get me some buffet.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"I've had no tea, I'll keep your seats, I'll keep your seats!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"You go, you know what to do."
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Oh, she's put a good spread on. Look at that.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Vol-a-vents, quiche, chicken legs, vol-a-vents, quiche again,
0:10:34 > 0:10:38chicken legs, fucking vol-a-vents, quiche.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41That's all it is, one table and a shitload of mirrors,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43that's all it is.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Always reminds me of Scooby-Doo.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48When they used to run down a corridor in Scooby-Doo,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50and they used to pass the same things.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Vol-a-vents, quiche, chicken legs, vol-a-vents, quiche, chicken...
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Here you are, Dad, I've got you some food.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03What's this?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Garlic bread, you're joking?!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Garlic bread in my mouth?!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16You slipped that in, didn't you?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Eh, that's beautiful that, that's beautiful that.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22That's the future, that's a taste sensation that.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24MAN IN AUDIENCE: It's the future!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26It's the future!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29What's that there? Excuse me, what?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Cheesecake? Jesus Christ.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Are my ears playing tricks on me? Cheese...cake.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38A cake of cheese, the dirty bastards,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40cheesecake, I'm going to be sick.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Cheesecake. Cheesecake, no. Cheesecake, no. Dirty bastards.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46A cake of cheese.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Excuse me, I've just lost my, eh, pack. But next tonight...
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Go on, go on, just let him go on.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55He first came to our attention more than ten years ago.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59"I've dropped my pack, I've dropped my pack", ladies and gentlemen. What's a pack?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03And since then he's tried his hand at virtually everything.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04- Like upstaging us.- I'm blushing.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07He's taking on the role of Roger De Bris in The Producers
0:12:07 > 0:12:10And I just want to say thanks for this dress, Tony.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12It's all right, babe, it's all right.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13You don't wear it as well as I do.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17No, I don't. You in this wig, now that'd get me going. I love you.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Is that live? I never knew that were live!- Of course it's live!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I never knew, I thought it was a bluescreen or a greenscreen.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- Of course it's live.- There's real traffic.- Yes, there is.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27That is happening as we speak.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30When you drive out later we'll go "There's Peter's car driving past."
0:12:30 > 0:12:31I'm going to go past in a dress and wave.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34And how different have you found it to doing what you used to?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36It's like being hit on head with a shovel.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38A bit like this interview, Peter.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I've had to dance. I've had to dance and everything.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Can I ask you very briefly about Comic Relief?- Oh, yeah.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- Cos you're doing a Proclaimers number, 500 Miles, aren't you?- Yes.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Why 500 miles, why don't you do Letter To America?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53It's a better tune!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55What, Letter To America?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Yeah!- See, no, it's not! - Oh, yes, it is!- You deaf?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Yes, it is, its way better!- Me and you could've done the Lighthouse Family.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Ohh, you're rubbish.- Ocean Drive, there you go, me and you.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05# Lifted, we could be lifted... #
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Yes, we could have been, yes.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08- Peter Kay...- Is that it?
0:13:08 > 0:13:09At where? Go on.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Your house, if you're lucky.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Manchester Palace. Up there. That way.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Peter Kay, thank you very much for joining us.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- I'll be here. - It's been legendary.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24After the buffet, everyone's a bit pissed now, they all want to dance.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26DJ puts on the Grease megamix.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Music Man - Black Lace, that's a winner.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Come On Eileen. Jive Bunny, bit of rock and roll for the mums and dads.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35RECORD PULL UP
0:13:35 > 0:13:37# Come on everybody
0:13:37 > 0:13:39# doo do doo do do do doo do doo #
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Uncle Knobhead, he's there, he's up.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44He's got his brand-new cream slip-ons on.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50His wife's got a beehive and a face like a smacked arse.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56They hate each other's guts but they both love jiving.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58They take it really seriously. Come on!
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Tss-tss
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Dads get up drunk with their ties fastened round their heads.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20I've not lost it.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I love it when dads sing and they're drunk
0:14:23 > 0:14:25and they haven't got a clue what the words are.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27# Dancing Queen,
0:14:27 > 0:14:31# Feel the meat on the tangerine
0:14:33 > 0:14:36# Dancing Queen
0:14:36 > 0:14:42# Eating Chinese with Mr Bean Oh yeah
0:14:42 > 0:14:46# You can dance in your underpants... #
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Now, here's a competition.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Right, yes, the UK premiere of Jennifer Love Hewitt's new
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- comedy The Truth About Love...- Aw!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Would you like to read this next link, Peter?- Can I?- Yes.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01On to sport now, and the transfer window may be over
0:15:01 > 0:15:04but Everton continue to strengthen for next season.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Here's Chris.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Yes, I think that's the most bizarre sport handover we've had,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- certainly this week anyway. - God love you, Chris.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Go on, Chris, knock them dead. - Thank you very much, Peter.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- Go on!- Well anyway, and staying with football now,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17with Blackburn in European action tonight,
0:15:17 > 0:15:21could their hopes of UEFA Cup glory lie-in a pair of underpants?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Rovers' midfielder David Bentley says he's worn his lucky
0:15:24 > 0:15:26jockey shorts for the whole campaign.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30And so far they've been making great strides in the competition.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33And with that I'll hand you back to the asylum.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- Wheyyyy! - Thank you.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36- Let's move on, yeah. - THEY LAUGH
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Anyway let's move on, let's move on.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40And it continues.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Like Basic Instinct, there.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44And it continues with the pictures you've been sending -
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- please keep it seasonal, Peter. - Seasonal?!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Yes, each one we show wins a Granada Reports goody bag.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Here's some pictures.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53This one's from Leanne in Blackpool, she says "My husband made me
0:15:53 > 0:15:57"breakfast in bed this morning, complete with I love you toast."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Yes, and Alex Biddleaxe says he has a secret valentine.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Get a life!- Here's his message to her from Saddleworth near Oldham.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- Don't be so rude!- Get a life.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08E-mails now. Peter?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Will you be my valentine? Think about it a bit.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14If you will that's great, If not, who gives a...?
0:16:14 > 0:16:15- See you later, bye-bye.- Bye-bye.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Bye for now.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21'Ey, what about Tommy Dickfingers?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- Dickfingers. - Hmm.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- Well, I think you're shitting me up, what about Tommy Dickfingers?- Yes.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34'Ey, what about... THEY LAUGH
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Oh, don't, not on this.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:16:42 > 0:16:46'Ey, what about Tommy Dickfingers? They found him in a wheelie bin.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47THEY LAUGH
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Be a bit more like that with them.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- I fuckin' did, like uhh! - Like that.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- What about Tommy Dickfingers?- Oh.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57They found him in a wheelie bin, two snooker balls as eyes.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59For eyes.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- What about Tommy Dickfingers?- Oh.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04They found him in a wheelie bin, two snooker balls as eyes.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05For eyes!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07THEY LAUGH
0:17:07 > 0:17:10As eyes. Go on.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14THEY CHUCKLE
0:17:17 > 0:17:20He's told me three times, like.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24The other type of DJs I always love at weddings are the ones that
0:17:24 > 0:17:28have their shirts open, cos they've been to TanTastic in the afternoon.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30They've got a back perm.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Blonde highlights in their hair, poor man's Paul Nicholas.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35They love themselves.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38And all they do is just flirt all night
0:17:38 > 0:17:40and show off and talk to women.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43And talk after every line of every record like this.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47MUSIC: Just A Little by Liberty X
0:17:47 > 0:17:48What am I?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- # Sexy - Tell me again.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# Everything about you is so sexy
0:17:53 > 0:17:59- What have I got? - # You don't even know what you got
0:17:59 > 0:18:00What have I hit?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02# You're really hitting my spot... #
0:18:02 > 0:18:03That's right.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06It's party time, come on!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10MUSIC: Feels Like I'm In Love by Kelly Marie
0:18:10 > 0:18:12That's right, come on.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14# Because you're near to me my head goes round and round
0:18:14 > 0:18:16What about your knees?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19# My knees are shaking baby, my heart it beats like a drum
0:18:19 > 0:18:23A drum, that's right, a drum. Come on.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27# It feels like, it feels like I'm in love. #
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Shabba!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34MUSIC: Celebration by Kool & The Gang
0:18:34 > 0:18:37AUDIENCE: Woohoo!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I love seeing people, me,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41at weddings when they start doing
0:18:41 > 0:18:43the walking to the dance floor dance.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Oh, you know who you are!
0:18:48 > 0:18:52When you start dancing while you're walking up to dance floor.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Then your mum gets up.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32There's always some cousin in his thirties, pissed up,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34still reckons he can break dance.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39MUSIC: Celebration by Kool & The Gang
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Thank you very much!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58AUDIENCE CHEER
0:20:02 > 0:20:05And then your dad, your dad's like this in the corner.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13MUSIC: YMCA by The Village People
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Now you're talking!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23# Young man!
0:20:23 > 0:20:24# There's no need to feel down
0:20:24 > 0:20:26# I said young man,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28# Pick yourself off the ground
0:20:28 > 0:20:30# I said young man...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Get up, get up, love, it's that one!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37It's that one, get up!
0:20:38 > 0:20:43# It's fun to stay at the YMCA... #
0:20:47 > 0:20:49And what about Tommy Dickfingers? They found him in...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51THEY LAUGH
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Calm down a bit, like. Calm down a bit.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03PETER LAUGHS
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Hey.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12THEY LAUGH
0:21:12 > 0:21:13What?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17'Ey, and what about Tommy Dickfingers?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19They found him in a wheelie bin...
0:21:19 > 0:21:20THEY LAUGH
0:21:21 > 0:21:24You nearly had it then, this is it, come on. Come on.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I were at that wedding that night
0:21:26 > 0:21:30when that woman collapsed with her Zimmer frame doing YMCA.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:34We laughed as well.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38They got thambulance for her.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Thambulance.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Thambulance come, they were trying to restart her heart on dance floor.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46You know with them defibrillators?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Like ER, "Clear! Boof! Clear! Boof!"
0:21:49 > 0:21:51All the lights were dimming.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Last orders, it's only half past nine, what's going on?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Is it a bank holiday?
0:21:58 > 0:21:59You want a drink? Drink? Drink?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01AUDIENCE CHEER
0:22:05 > 0:22:08'Ey, what about Tommy Dickfingers? They found him in a wheelie bin.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09THEY LAUGH
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Fucking hell!- Ohhhh, God!
0:22:15 > 0:22:16I love at end of a wedding.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Everyone on the dance floor, moving, keep moving.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22On the dance floor keep dancing, for New York, New York!
0:22:22 > 0:22:27Bum-bum-ba-da-bum, bum-bum...Everyone's up, big circle.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Bride and groom in the middle. Everyone kicking hell out of them.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# Be a part of it... #
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Bang! I'll make that dress fit, you fat bitch.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Pah!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I got hit in the mouth once with a slip-on.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Uncle Knobhead's green slip-on shoe.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Casualty at three o' clock in the morning
0:22:53 > 0:22:56with a slip-on hanging out me mouth.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I can't get it out, I can't get it out!
0:23:02 > 0:23:06# New Yo-oooork! #
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Bang, big light goes on.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Can I have your glasses please,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13can you make your way to the door please, come on.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Get back, you bastard.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I'll break your legs.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20DJ...
0:23:20 > 0:23:24HE MUMBLES: Thanks for coming ladies and gentlemen on this special evening,
0:23:24 > 0:23:25goodnight, goodbye, safe then.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Special note, take care, look after yourselves, give me three rings.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32OK, goodnight, god bless, I'll see you again, all the best, goodbye.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Ta-ra! Dad in front of the disco.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Whoa, no! What you mean, "Goodnight"?
0:23:39 > 0:23:43It's only early, come on, don't pack it up!
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Put a bit of Motown on for lads.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48You what?
0:23:48 > 0:23:52HE MIMICS THE DJ
0:23:52 > 0:23:54That's his proper voice, he really talks like that,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56that's his proper voice! Freak.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59And what about Tommy Dickfingers?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01You need to emphasise the dick.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03PADDY LAUGHS
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Oh, come on.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09"Emphasise the dick!"
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Ho.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22THEY LAUGH
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Come on.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Ohhh.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32And what about Tommy DICKfingers?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35THEY CACKLE
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Right, go on.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49I love it when people are drunk
0:24:49 > 0:24:52and they think that little bit of cardboard that you get from
0:24:52 > 0:24:54the bottom of party poppers are pound coins.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00There's a pound coin here.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03'Avin this.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07There's another one!
0:25:13 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Brian, taxi's here.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Oh, bollocks.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Go and ask him if he's been busy.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30I'm coming now love.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31I'm coming now.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Coming now.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Whaaaa.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02# Oh, Danny boy,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05# The pipes, the pipes are calling
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Sing with me Alan, Frank. Where's Knobhead?
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Casualty, what for?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Tit.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22WHISTLE
0:26:33 > 0:26:35AUDIENCE CHEER
0:26:38 > 0:26:40WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Rub it!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51IN HELIUM VOICE: # Oh, Danny Boy,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54# When summer's in the meadow
0:26:56 > 0:27:00# Or when the valley's hushed
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# And white with snow
0:27:08 > 0:27:16# Cos I'll be here in sunshine and in shadow
0:27:17 > 0:27:21# Oh, Danny Boy, Oh, Danny Boy
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# I love you
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# So-ooooo! #
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Everybody wave your hands, come on, wave your hands, sing along!
0:27:39 > 0:27:43# When summer's in the meadow...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Come on, everybody!
0:27:45 > 0:27:53# And when the valley's hushed and white with snow
0:27:56 > 0:28:02# Cos I'll be here in sunshine
0:28:02 > 0:28:05# Or in shadow
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- # Oh,- Danny Boy
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- # Oh,- Danny Boy
0:28:12 > 0:28:20- # I love- you so.- #
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Thank you very much, goodnight!
0:28:37 > 0:28:38Thanks a lot!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:28:45 > 0:28:46Thank you.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Goodnight, God bless.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Goodnight.